Lizze,

I have been trying to figure out how to reach out and find you. I know you are going through something very profound. I can't and won't pretend to understand how you feel and where you are. I know you feel so many different emotions and I can see all the pain and fear in your eyes even though you try to hide it from the rest of the world. I wish there was something I could do to help carry this burdon. I feel absolutely helpless. I know how hard it is for you to trust anyone anymore and rightfully so. You have lost a great deal or rather a great deal has been taken from you. Over the years you have learned not to trust anyone. You have been forced to put a wall in order to survive.

I have found over the years that I am paying a price for what others have done. I was hurt because I thought that after 10 years and everything we have been through I shouldn't have to prove myself.. I'm sorry it took me so long to understand...But I get it now...

Lizze, I only saw the doors you still had closed and I missed all the ones you have opened for me. I'm so sorry I didn't see it sooner but I see it now...

I am writing this because if I try to say this it will never come out right. Sometimes speaking isn't enough. You know I prefer to talk but I think this is a better way for now.

I love you so much. I want to thank you for opening all the doors you have. I understand how hard that is to do. You once told me you have let me in farther then anyone else. At the time I didn't think it was enough.. I want you to know that I didn't understand then. I'm truly honored to be where I am even if there are still some closed doors.

I need you to understand that I am here and I believe in you. I know sometimes you are feeling your way through the dark but you aren't alone. I will be here even I just sit outside the door patiently waiting until your ready open it for me.. I think I will quit while I'm ahead.

I have been listening to this song for a while now and I think it says most of what I have been trying to say....I think it fits us pretty well... Especially the refrain....It's 4am now so I am hoping this will make sense....

I love you,

Rob

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Insanity has found me again. Fuck!

Seriously, I've always had some strange "talent" for attracting crazy and insanity. Usually more crazy than insanity. Mostly stalkers. Some abusive exs. This time I've managed to get both insanity AND stalker. Clearly I haven't lost my touch. Yay, me. (That was sarcasm, btw. In case you're new to the blog.) Oh, and the best part? He's my cousin who I haven't seen or heard from in about 5years. Yeah...nice,huh?

Lizze
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Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Just Elliott Richard and I goofing off a bit...letting off a bit of steam before bed. Sometimes it's great having a tiny 3 year old Terrorist in the house. Of course, there are still plenty of moments when I'd like to ship him off - like just now when his playing with the "tiny ball" (trackball on my blackberry Ruby - yes, I named her but she's a post all by herself) while I was typing this post which placed an entire sentence worth of letters scattered about the rest of the post. *sigh* Ah well, the fun definitely out weighes the other stuff. (lol)

Gotta run! My Terrorist is frantically waving "The Cat in the Hat" with an angry pout on his face. This could get ugly...

Lizze
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I have been putting a "water mark" via Photobucket on my photos - both new and old. I am trying to keep these from taking too much away from the pictures themselves; however, at the same time I am trying to make it so that the pictures cannot be copied from my blog and printed out for personal use.

Again, I'm sorry for the generic nature of my "water mark". I will see what I can do to make it more professional and less intrusive in the future. For now, I have to work with what I have.

Thank you for the understanding! :)

Today, I survived 24 hours Savella-free; which led to me spending the day feeling like I had been set on fire.

Tonight, I start my Lyrica. I pray that it's a "wonder drug" like Dr. T hopes it will be.

Gavin celebrated 1st Gotcha Day Anniversary!

Saturday 9: Hey Jealousy


1. Tell us a story when you got jealous. I hate to disappoint you but I'm not the jealous type. Just ask Rob; it drives him crazy.

2. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My past and the effects it has on me. I hate feeling like a different person, or less than a person, or an incomplete person because of what I've been through and what I've survived. I wish I'd never been through anything at all. I wish there had never been any trauma to survive.

3. Who do you mess with the most? My hubby, Rob. My sista, Trisha. - for fun
Myself, the head games I play with myself are by far the cruelest.

4. Do you have any special talents? What are they? Some say I'm a good writer. Others say I'm an okay artist. Pretty much anything creative seems to be my "thing". If you ask me, I guess my "talent" is surviving. Most shrinks agree that not a lot of people could survive my life.

5. If you could have a secret fling that no one would ever find out about, would you? Nope. It's wrong but if that isn't reason enough for you...See #3.

6. What's the furthest you've been from home? Florida and Texas.

7. How many Saturday 9 player's blogs do you typically visit? I try to visit each and every one of them - unless the link is broken. I only comment when the mood strikes me though.

8. Some great bloggers lose their "mojo" and quit blogging. Could you see that happening to you? I go through phases. Sometimes I blog multiple times a day and it still doesn't feel like enough. Other times it feels like too much to blog once a month or when something major happens. So I just roll with the punches and go where the wind takes me. That way I don't get completely burnt out and give it up altogether because blogging is important to me. I blog to keep a record of our lives for my boys since I can't really write very much anymore.

9. What's the biggest mistake you've made so far this year? Honestly, I've made too many to listen them all. Let's go with...not keeping appointments when I should have. Not speaking up when I should have. Not pushing for what my sons needed. Not taking better care of myself. Yeah, that'll do.

And...here we go!

1. The crickets sing, me to sleep on chilly fall nights.

2. Be true to yourself wherever you are, in whatever you say and whatever you do.

3. I want to get far away from the insanity and drama that seems to find me.

4. Every day of Fall, I wake up in pain; someone please, tell me this was a dream nightmare.

5. But as for me I choose Edward, Twilight and OME.

6. As for me, I come from a place few have been to and no one understands.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with Rob and Trisha, tomorrow my plans include sleep and recovery and Sunday, I want to take the boys trick or treating!

I Don't Wednesday #5: Foods I Don't Eat

I don't ... eat liver and onions. I know I tried it once and it didn't taste horrible. It's just the idea more than anything else. Ick.

I don't ... eat peanut butter. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich will cross my lips only very rarely. I do eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, especially during the holidays because they always taste better then. But peanut butter is gross. There is just something about it...the smell, the texture. No thanks.

I don't ... eat Burger King. I don't know what it is about their food but I don't like it. It smells good from a distance. The closer I get; the worse it smells. I just won't eat it.

I don't ... eat cookie dough ice cream. Cookie dough alone? Yes. Ice cream of just about any other flavor (within reason)? Yes. That particular flavor? No. It spells complete sugar overload for me. I can't stomach it. I'm getting queazy just thinking about it.

I don't ... eat spaghetti with sauce. When I was pregnant with Elliott Richard, pasta with sauce was one of (if not the big) my food aversions and it just carried over. Now I struggle to be in the house when Rob makes it for dinner for everyone else. It just turns my stomach. I used to be able to eat at least pasta prepared different ways without the red sauce; not anymore. I can't even eat that since my pregnancy with Emmett John.

I don't ... eat chicken noodle soup. Campbell's chicken noodle soup is okay. But honestly, even that is pushing it. Rob loves chicken noodle soup, especially homemade chicken noodle soup. So he makes it quite a bit and when he makes it; he makes a lot of it. But I just can't eat it.

As soon as I can figure out how to make the graphic I want with the very limited graphic programs at my disposal, I will have these really cute graphics to go with a new thing I'm adding to the blog. It will be the "Ketchup" where I catch you up on whatever the topic is. Haha Isn't that cute? I thought it was. I just can't get the graphics I want made, which is frustrating me. However, I realized that I haven't posted an actual update in weeks so I guess I'll have to get started without my cute little graphics. :(

But that will have to wait until tomorrow because it's 12:36 am now and I need to go to sleep...soon. First, I need to finish some blog rounds. Nighty night all.

1.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when my daily and/or weekly dose of drama will be limited to "Mom, he won't share that toy!" or one of my neighbors getting drunk and running her mouth.

2.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when Emmett John will not be a medical mystery. He will not have any specialists and will only need to see Dr. H for well baby visits and the occasional sick visits.

3.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when I can write what I want, when I want on my blog and not worry about who is reading it.

4.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when I can pay my balance off to John (my attorney) and not have someone (who shall remain nameless - we all know who though) file something else. At which point, my balance will return again because John has to prepare to fight, again. It gets old.

5.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when Elliott Richard will decided that he no longer "likes to be pee-pee soaped" and he wants to use the potty. Then we will only have Mr. Emmett John to put in diapers. And we will also be able to put Elliott Richard into pre-school, which I know he would love.

6.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when Dr. T is able to find a medication or combination of medications that works to not only keep the pain from getting worse but also lessen it to some extent. That would be amazing.

7.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when the boys could spend the night away from home - some with their Aunt Trisha and Uncle John and some with their Grandma and Pa-Pa G - so that Rob and I can get away from home for a weekend. We haven't been away from home (hospital/NICU stays so do not count) since our first wedding anniversary, which was Thursday September 3, 2004 if your curious.

8.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when I am secure enough in myself as an artist and a woman that I can sit and loose myself in my art and not be weighed down by thoughts of "It's not good enough" or "It's not perfect" or "Crap! It's all crap"...you get the general idea. I want to just get lost in my art and not care what anyone thinks; including myself.

9.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when I don't need a therapist anymore. A day when I've put all the horrific pieces of the puzzle that is my life back together. The pieces I've carried with me for the past 20+ years. The pieces I've fought to hide out of shame for things I didn't do. The pieces I only see in nightmarish flashbacks when I sleep. Someday I'll have them all put together and I won't be haunted anymore.

10.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when Rob and I have managed to survive the Terrorist 3's. I'm also hoping for that same day in the future ... when all three boys have also managed to survive the Terrorist 3's. (Whoever dubbed them the "Terrible 3's" was clearly either on crack, had never raised a child of their own or had been blessed with one of those rare children that didn't become a Terrorist between the ages of 2 and 1/2 and oh say 9 - since Gavin is still a Terrorist at times and I don't know when it will wear off.)

11.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when we are able to set up a routine and get into a groove and the slightest little thing doesn't throw everything out of whack.

12.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when my boys will grow up to be men. They will be happy and healthy doing whatever it is that they chose in life. I don't care their preference in partner or job. I don't care where they live, although I'd like it to be somewhat close to where ever we are. I just want them happy and healthy - in all ways. (Since obviously #10 needs tohappen first in order for this one to take place. lol)

13.) I'm hoping for a day in the future ... when I'm spending far less time dreaming of the future and planning for it and a whole lot more time actually living in it.

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***Edited to say*** Okay, so I meant to finish this before it auto-posted at 8:00 pm on Thursday. Obviously, that didn't happen. lol Sorry about that. So now it is 9-ish am on Saturday - just a few days late - and I'm finishing it because the idea of a partially finished post on my blog is driving me crazy. lol

I Don't Wednesday #4: Regrets

I don't ... regret leaving my ex-husband. If I hadn't left, I wouldn't have met Rob. Rob wouldn't have led to his family and I honestly could not have asked/prayed/wished for better in-laws - parents or siblings. They are amazing. Rob also helped me to create two beautiful boys. So really, what more could I ask for there? Oh yeah, Rob is pretty great too. ;) lol

I don't ... regret looking for Mom (aka Mary) starting when I was 16 years old. I don't ... regret finding her when I was 20 years old even though it didn't turn out how I had hoped. I don't ... regret looking for Trisha on MySpace on a whim 3 years ago even though that didn't turn out how I had hoped either. Because it's all turning out how I had hoped in the end, which is how it should be.

I don't ... regret standing up for myself or my family when it was the right thing to do. Even when it wasn't the popular thing to do.

I don't ... regret wearing my heart on my sleeve even though most would say it's "weakness". At least people have always known where I was coming from and where I stood.

I don't ... regret getting married by the mayor of North Cheerioville rather than having a big wedding that we couldn't afford and would have needed loans to pay for. Besides now I get to take the next 3 years to plan my dream wedding and make sure I can make it as cheap as possible. :)

I don't ... regret starting my family before everything else. That was the path I chose for my life and I stand by that decision.

I finished some personal things and closed the proverbial door on others.

Jessica loves me! She really loves me!

Okay, maybe that's a slight exggeration but she did give me the Honest Scrap award for my blog. :) Something I'm super excited about by the way. :)

Jessica is from Mental Vomit, a blog which I simply adore! She and I have quite a bit in common but I won't go into the how's and why's, just trust that we do. Anywho, she has bestowed this wonderful award upon me and now I must abide by the rules of the award...and away we go!

*Say thank you and give a link to the presenter of the award {Check}

*Share “10 Honest Things” about myself

*Present the award to 10 other bloggers whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design or to those who have encouraged me

*Be sure to tell the 10 bloggers chosen that you are giving them the Honest Scrap award and provide the guidelines for them

Share "10 Honest Things" about myself, hhhhmmmm. I was planning to use something similar to this for my Thursday 13 this week. Oh well, let's see what I can come up with.

1.) I have been secretly coveting this award for as long as I've had a blog. I try to be very honest on my blog, without hurting others whenever possible. So I was seriously thrilled when Jessica gave it to me. (Yeah,I'm a dork, I know.)

2.) I have gotten so used to having migraines that it takes me an average of two weeks to figure out that I have a sinus infection and not just a particularly nasty migraine headache. Like now. Oy.

3.) I have been in therapy off and on for the past 15 years (since I was 14 years old) and I'm only just now finding out some of the serious reasons I should have started in the first place.

4.) When I was 9 or 10 years old, I wanted to have 6 kids. I wanted them all to be girls. I had all of their names picked out - most of which I had stolen from my favorite television shows at the time. (So think of all the popular tween shows from like 1989 and 1990 and you've got a pretty good idea of the names I had picked out.) Oh yeah, and I wanted sextuplets because I figured having them all at once had to be easier than one at a time to me. (Like I said, I was 9 or 10 years old. I knew nothing! lol)

5.) During my childhood, tween years, and teen years I was abused and misused by various different male individuals (and one female). None of them were ever held responsible - for various different reasons, all which were out of my control and had nothing to do with me "not wanting to". Is it any wonder why I've been in therapy since I was 14 years old?!

6.) When I have had enough...or I'm overwhelmed with a situation etc I begin to twirl my hair at the crown of my head (something my neice - who happens to look a lot like me when I was her age also does) or pick at my fingernails.

7.) I have two collections of angels. One set is made of various Christmas themed angels. The other set is a set of collectors Josef birthday angels. My Granny gave me both. I got a Christmas angel every Christmas and a birthday angel every birthday.

8.) You can tell how bad my migraine and/or fibro is on any given day by which of my pets are following me around the house. If Cleo is following me around; it's pretty bad. If both, Cleo and Maggie are following me; then it's really bad.

9.) I wish I were neat and organized but my brain literally doesn't work that way. I've tried to force it; but I just don't know how to make it think and work that way.

10.) I have struggled with the first 9 for like the last hour and a half. But I give up on #10. Sorry; however, some of 1-9 are very deep and detailed scrap so that should make up for the lack of a #10. lol And since this is my blog and my 10 Honest Scraps, I say it does. So there! (How's that for maturity for ya? Yes, I'll be sure to bring that up with Mollie (my therapist) next week. :p lol)

Now I need to present the award to 10 fellow bloggers. In no particular order:

1. Ellyn at Profoundly Seth
2. Amber and Dee Dee at Our Micro Preemies
3. Dragon's Lair Designs
4. Cate at Show My Face
5. Cynthia K at Crumbs in the Minivan
6. The Masto Mama Chronicles
7. Trisha at Minivan Mayhem - The Postlewait Papers
8. Julie at Julie Olsen's Journey
9. Nikky at Pleasantly Chaotic
10. Latree at Dandelion

And now that I've followed all the rules that come with this award, I'm off to...find something else to do. Watch television with Rob. Blog. Post some pictures to the blog. Who knows.

Just an FYI: I started this post at like 8:30am on Monday 10/12/2009. I wasn't able to finish it thanks in part to children, sinus infections/migraines, chores, and life until 11:00pm Monday 10/12/2009. It is now 1:51pm Tuesday 10/13/2009 and I am editing it because I was rushed to finish it by the previous stated time for the previous stated reasons. Now I am happy with the finished product. I think...

Saturday 9: Lie to Me

1. Can you tell when someone is lying to you? With some people, I can. With others, I can't. It depends on: the person, the lie, and how well I know. Also how much I care whether or not I'm being lied to. Sometimes I just don't care.

2. Tell us about one of your flaws. Do you live with it or try to correct it? I tend to get tunnel vision and become very obsessed about things. Sometimes I live with it and sometimes I try and correct it. It all just depends on what I am obsessed with and why.

3. When was the last time you laughed hard and what struck you as funny? As sad as this sounds, I don't remember.

4. Tell us about a time when you should have tried harder. In high school. I should have gotten better grades and gone to college right out of high school.

5. If you won the lottery, what would you buy first? I will pay off all of our bills first - house, new car, utilities, credit cards - all of it, paid off.

6. What movie do you know every word to? Chicago & Twilight

7. What was the best thing that happened to you this week? Gavin had another amazing week. Rob was super understanding, compassionate and caring.

8. What was the worst thing that happened to you this week? More drama.

9. What do you think is the biggest difference between men and women? The ability to create children vs birth them. There are times I think we don't give men the credit they deserve. But then I change my mind because I'm a woman and I can. ;) lol

Human contact overload. Wanted: deserted island!

I haven't done a Google it in what feels like forever. So, I figured, "Hey, I'm in a blogging mood. Emmett John is sitting on Rob and watching the penguins. The boys are upstairs playing. Why not?!" Any away we go!

7 Oct 11:06:50 PM www.google.ca i believe that faith has brought us here...cheerios commercial ~ I can't believe that people are still looking up this commercial. Okay, honestly I'm more surprised by the fact that people are still watching commercials. I figured everyone was recording television to skip the commercials by now.
7 Oct 05:11:37 AM www.google.co.in i love my baby and cant live without him ~ Me too. Isn't it great? :)
3 Oct 10:09:11 PM www.google.com 4 year old boy refuses to potty train attachment parenting ~ I hadn't considered this but now I'm starting to wonder...maybe this is Elliott Richard's problem.
2 Oct 02:00:22 AM www.google.com things i can't live without ~ I just covered this not too long ago as my Thursday 13! Go check it out.
1 Oct 08:24:27 PM blogsearch.google.com vincent d'onofrio ~ Oh how I *heart* him! And oh how y'all have devastated me by informing me of his leaving the show. I won't watch it once he's gone. I refuse. What's his face just isn't that good at "crazy". I'm sorry but he's not. Vincent fans know what I mean. And now because it's my blog and I can....
30 Sep 01:51:49 AM www.google.com micropreemie autism high functioning ~ Hhhhhhmmmmmm...interesting. I don't know if there's a connection but I'd be interested in doing my own search to find out.
29 Sep 02:02:55 PM www.google.com have you ever had a cheerio ~ I've seen one. Have you? Just in case you haven't check out my badge at the top right of my blog...the background is a whole bunch of them.
24 Sep 12:26:14 PM www.google.com johnemmett.blogpot.com ~ I was curious so I checked this blog out. It was a temporary blog. There are no posts. And the profile is empty. Bummer.
21 Sep 06:53:04 PM www.google.pl masochistic torture ~ And again we find ourselves discussing Mr. Emmett John's future with our fine military. Assuming, of course, that there is a United States of America and a military to speak of once he's of age. Who knows...we may be American Socialist Nation by then. But we won't go there just now.
18 Sep 06:19:29 PM www.google.com cant live with them... cant live without them... but for more than 2 weeks!!! even years!!! ~ I assume the "cant live without them" part brought you to my blog. Although I'm not entirely sure what this person was searching for. Men maybe? ;) lol
17 Sep 06:23:06 PM www.google.ae i remember when we were asking each other ~ What?! "I remember when we were asking each other" WHAT?!?! What were you asking each other?! Why do these people torture me like this?! I'm curious by nature and these searches...oy! It's killing me! lol
16 Sep 02:04:11 PM www.google.se cheerio governor ~ There's a Cheerio Governor?! Wow. I mean we have a Cheerio Mayor here in Cheerioville but we don't have a Governor because those are for a state as a whole. But that's cool.
13 Sep 06:35:11 PM www.google.com length of first cheerios commercial ~ Another interesting search. I wonder if this was for curiosity sake or for a report or project or something.

I don't ... understand some people. I don't ... understand how they can believe something so strongly one week and then when that clearly didn't work out well for them they change gears so completely. How does that work?

I don't ... understand how people claim to "know" what I am going to do next. And even though it hasn't happened, they still claim to "know" that it will. How do they know my mind better than I?

I don't ... understand when doing what is best for my family became the wrong thing to do. I knew that it wouldn't be the popular decision. I knew I would be making people unhappy. However, it was the same decision across the board for all. Yet, I was only judged by one. I don't ... understand.

I don't ... understand the new policy for "Health Care 'reform'". It just reads like a foreign language to me. Almost as if Obama doesn't want the American public to understand it.

I don't ... understand how Obama-Mamas trust most of what comes out of Obama's mouth. I'm aware this makes me unpopular in alot of crowds but it's how I feel.

I don't ... understand why all of my articles that I write lately keep coming out like high school term papers - overly-serious, pretensious crap.

I don't ... understand why the FDA keeps approving medications for fibromyalgia when they really doesn't work very well.

I don't ... understand why I'm so drawn to these "Lockdown", "Lockup" jail shows on National Geographic and MSNBC channels on television. Something about them simply fascinates me. I don't ... understand why.

Not for good, mind you...just for the next week or so. Our internet is out and they can't get out to fix it for a week or so (wha wha what?!)...which leaves me high and dry without my internet.

That means...

No blogging of any real length. *sob*
No new articles on my Examiner.com page. *double sob*
No OME. *triple sob*

I forget what life before internet was like!?!?

1.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer ~ Yes, it's old school. Yes, it's slightly cheesey - especially now. But I love it! I have been known to record it from start to finish and watch it - repeatedly. Back when it was still on television. There is just something about this show that speaks to me on some level and I can't get enough of it. I currently own the first season on DVD. I would love to own all of the seasons so that I could sit down with a few gallons of sweet tea, some popcorn and chocolate and watch them all. All of the seasons, back to back all in a row.

2.) The Office ~ I admit when The Office first began, I hated it. I was offended by Michael Scott. There are still times when I will cover my eyes because I am offended by Michael Scott and can't bear to watch him say or do whatever it is that's about to happen. lol But even I couldn't avoid the pull of Jim and Pam and everyone else for long.

3.) Law & Order ~ I remember hearing the theme song to L&O when I was kid at my Granny's house but I couldn't understand that appeal. As an adult, I understand the appeal. I haven't seen anything near all the episodes but of the repeats that I've seen, I have absolutely no problem watching them, repeatedly. If only recording them all didn't fill-up my DVR box so quickly.

4.) Law & Order: Special Victims Unit ~ I started watching this series in the 2nd season. It was love at first sight. Even with my history, I love it. In fact, I firmly believe that it's my history that allows L&O: SVU and I to have such a strong bond because in SVU I can see the justice take place that I'm likely never to receive myself.

5.) Law & Order: Criminal Intent ~ Vincent D'Onofrio, enough said.

6.) NCIS ~ The plotlines are amazing. The cast chemistry completely draws me in. Plus my nearest and dearest, Nikky, watches it with her hubby Chris so we get to discuss it. You know, in between diapers and doctors appointments and other misc parenting things. lol

7.) Good Eats ~ I've said it once, I'll said it again...I *heart* Alton Brown. I considered naming Emmett John, Alton but figured people would struggle with it. Plus I didn't think Rob would agree. I just love how he makes cooking everything from the simplest meals to the most complicated things sound so easy that I actually feel like I could make them. (I'm still convinced I could make omelets and creps, if I took the time to try. LMAO)

8.) Reba ~ I stumbled upon this show completely by accident a while ago. Now I'm in love. When I can't find anything else on that I like, there's usually an episode of Reba on. I love Reba anyway because I'm a big country music fan but to see her acting rather than singing is such a lovely change. Then when she sings in the show, acting as if she isn't a professional singer in real life, I just love it. Plus it's just a good family show and you can't go wrong with that these days.

9.) Friends ~ I've always loved this show. Even back when it was popular, way back when. Then when Gavin and I were living in "Hell" with...well, in "another lifetime" we used to sit and watch reruns after dinner but before bedtime. We would sit and watch and rock for an hour and it amazed me because Gavin wasn't even a year old but we was always so calm and quiet for the entire hour. It's one of the few happy memories I have from that time. Plus the episodes are always good for a good laugh when nothing is on.

10.) Judging Amy ~ This is another one I don't remember how I got started on it but much like Buffy, I could record it and watch it from beginning to end over and over again without any problems. When we became involved with Child Protective Services a few years ago, I actually said that I only had one request for our Social Worker...I wanted her to be just like Maxine Gray from Judging Amy. I just knew if our Social Worker was compassionate and tenacious in all the right ways; we would be okay. Janice was and we were. In the end, Judging Amy was what helped to renew my faith in the Juvinile Justice System time and time again.

11.) Blues Clues ~ Okay, admitedly I won't love this show because it's a show I personally enjoy. I will always love this show because my boys love and enjoy this show, at least for now. So by playing this show I can usually assure myself a half hour, maybe more, of peace and quiet. Some days peace and quiet is worth everything in the world, which makes this the most very important show in the world.

12.) Intervention ~ This is one of those reality shows that keeps me honest. It keeps me on my toes. Because of my fibromyalgia and migraine headaches I'm on quite a few different heavy duty medications and watching this show reminds me of what could very well happen to me at any given moment if I don't stay on my toes.

13.) The Real World ~ My original reality television show. The one that got me started. I remember way back when I found it on MTV, which I wasn't supposed to be watching at the time (my big act of teenage rebellion) and I fell in love. I didn't know then what reality television was but I thought the idea was pure genius. I still love the all day Real World Marathons. Granted, I prefer the older seasons to the new ones but I'll take what I can get.

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Every once in a while I find myself pondering, "How much is too much?" What things just should not be shared on a blog? Does such a limit exist? Or is it merely a self-imposed limit used to try and keep the peace and help maintain relationships? If it is self-imposed is there a "right time" to remove it? Do others have a say in it's removal even if they aren't an active part of the blog itself?

Some seriously major things have been going on in my life lately. I was asked not to say anything about these goings on; however, that request was made before. Before I was disowned and my family was threatened. This is now.

Now I just have to figure out "How much is too much?" before I post the details. Problem is that I can't just post part of it because it won't make much sense. So now I have to decide what to do.

Any thoughts?

All by myself!

I am so tickled that I have taught myself how to create HTML blog buttons! Now I have one for my blog. One for my Examiner.com Articles page. And one to link you to the OME sisterhood. I always thought these were super difficult to create and perhaps the really fancy ones are; but my easy ones are so much fun and easy to make! :)

YIPPEE!

I also have a bunch of stuff to update you about. After I finish my second article and get some other work done first. :)

Gavin's 7 Rules

I will give more details about my big news tomorrow, once my laptop is recovered after it's death by battery drain earlier this evening. (Oops! Lol) I will say this though...I've managed to accomplish one of my life-long goals - to become a freelance writer! At this point, I've only written and had one article published but I have many, many more swirling around in my head. If you have a second, please check out my first article...

http://www.examiner.com/x-22824-Cleveland-StayatHome-Moms-Examiner

YIPPEE!!! :)

I've got pretty awesome news but I don't want to share it yet because it's not quite final.

Emmett John is having his surgery to have his tubes placed on Thursday, Sept 10th.

I have to schedule to have an EMG on my lower body to try and determine why I'm having bi-lateral leg pain and numbness. Insurance wouldn't pay for the MRI but they'll pay for the torture. Jerks. Bright side, I can take 2 Xanax before the EMG, which will help since I'm beyond phobic when it comes to needles.

Gavin's first day of school is tomorrow. So we opted to stay home and lay low today. Nice and calm day.

I'm trying to get my new organizer all set up and filled in, which is taking much longer than it should because Mr. Emmett John keeps trying to help me. lol I figure once I get that done...His surgery (15 minutes) and recovery (about 12-24 hours at home) done...And my test done...I'll be back to my blogging self. Or maybe before that, who knows. ;) lol

Please pray that his surgery goes off without a hitch.

I just wanted to spend a few minutes with you and tell the world how I feel about you....

We have been together for 9 long years and been married for 6 short ones. I know that "long years" sounds bad but we have been through one trauma after another, year after year. Most couples wouldn't survive half of what you and I have been through together. There is just something about us that defies logic and statistics. We always joke that no one would have ever put us together because we are like oil and water.

I wanted to take this time to tell you in written words (I know how important written words are to you) how much you mean to me. These are my most treasured memories.... So far.

I remember the first time I met you (you know the first time I'm talking about) and I learned about some of what you had been through.

I remember I felt so sorry for you because no one deserves to be treated like that.

I remember after knowing you for only a brief moment, I felt proud of you because I realized you were NOT a victim.

I remember the first time I saw you at the park.

I remember our first kiss was at dusk standing in your Aunt Paula's porch.

I remember our first movie was Space Cowboy's.

I remember the first time we ate together was at M & H.

I remember the first time I met Gavin was at the park because we wanted to date for a little while before I met him.

I remember Gavin spilling his lemonade all over me that day.

I remember the fear I saw in your eyes as that happened because you thought I would be upset and walk away.

I remember us daring each other to say "I love you" because we were both to scared to be the first one to say it.

I remember parking the car in Rosemary's driveway and talking for hours and hours about nothing just to be together.

I remember you nursing me back to health both physically and emotionally after I destroyed my back on a call and decided to end my career as a Fire/Medic.

I remember your Grandma M taking me ( I was terrified of her at the time) to Burger King and telling me it was my turn to take care of you now.

I remember the worst day of your life and the pain in your eyes when you learned she passed away.

I remember that seeing you in so much pain was the first time my heart had ever truly been broken.

I remember asking you to marry me as we were walking to my car after I picked you up from school that sunny afternoon (if anyone is wondering she said yes).

I remember you being there for me on the worst day of my life, when I Grandma B passed away.

I remember our wedding day in North Cheerioville and dinner at Papa Bears after because we didn't want nor could we afford anything fancy and just wanted to be married.

I remember our honey moon at the cabin and you wearing your hooded jacket (looking like Kenny from South Park) in 90 F weather because you were hiding from the bugs.

I remember cutting it short and spending the next few days in the hospital because we both caught some freak virus.

I remember the day we found out you were pregnant with Elliott Richard and all the water you had to drink because I made you take like 6 tests just to be sure.

I remember the first time I heard his heart beat and yours together at the same time, amazing.

I remember witnessing Elliott Richard's birth and being so full of emotion and truly feeling what love was for the first time.

I remember standing there and looking at you in amazement because you created this perfect, tiny little child.

I remember a few minutes later begging God to take my life and spare our sweet Elliott Richard after he was born premature, both his lungs ruptured and we almost lost him.

I remember that was the longest 14 days of my life.

I remember we both felt so helpless not being able to touch him and seeing him in so much pain every day.

I remember being so afraid to leave to get food or sleep because we didn't want him to be alone if God was going to take him.

I remember that even though you had spent 6 months on bed rest and weeks in labor you were my rock and I was a complete mess.

I remember the first time you held him in the NICU, you looked so beautiful and at peace for the first time in a long while.

I remember learning you were pregnant with Emmett John and how excited we were.

I remember how much you taught me about courage and selflessness during the 8 months of bed rest leading the birth of our youngest miracle.

I remember having to be told over and over again how perfect he was when he was born because we were so scared something was going to happen.

I remember watching you hold Emmet John for the first time while I stood in awe of what you had just accomplished.

I remember the day we went to court and I finally after 8 years got to adopt Gavin.

I remember all the joy and pain that comes along with raising Gavin together.

I remember how fiercely you protected him and always do.

Now there are some things I would like you to remember.

Please remember the first time I saw you I knew you were the one. My soul mate. My penguin...

Please remember that you the strongest most beautiful woman I have ever met and I am truly honored to be your husband.

Please remember that I am completely and hopelessly in love with you.

Please remember that not a day goes by that I don't know how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Please remember that I am eternally grateful for ALL that you do for us even though you don't think it's enough.

Please remember that you are the glue that holds this family together.

Please remember that I will always, always be here for you...

Please remember that I would do ANYTHING to take your pain away.

Please remember that I am so sorry that I can't.

Please remember that I will forever be grateful that you read my email.

Please remember that I am also grateful you didn't listen to your cousin when she warned you about me saying I was a "Mac Daddy". Yes I am talking about you Sam :)


It seems like only yesterday and at the same time it feels like forever ago that we said I do. Does that even make sense? It's like time revolves around us.
Actually, time is meaningless for us because soul mates were created to be together no matter how long it takes to find each other, so time is irrelevant. I believe soul mates are like a circle with no beginning and no end. I know you are my soul mate.

I can't remember or imagine us not being together. That being said..... I have a question I have been meaning to ask you....


Scroll down.......For dramatic effect..




































































Keep scrolling.....































































































Keep scrolling....































Your almost there.....











Ok here goes nothing......























Lizze I have loved you from the first day we met. Every day I find myself looking forward to spending the next day with you. You are the most amazing mother and the best wife I could have ever hoped for. You are truly so much more then I deserve...





Scroll down.......




















(Rob is getting really nervous)


















Keep scrolling....























(Rob takes a deep breath and gets down on one knee)










Elizabeth Ann Cheerio (name has been changed to protect the Cheerio family),

Will you do me the honor of marrying me......... again?

This time I want to take our time and do it right. I want to pick a church we are both comfortable and happy with. I want to be married in front of God and our family including those we have gained since the first time :)

I want us to have a new start. I want this to be when we finally put everything behind us and move forward together as a family. What do you say?


I will anxiously await your answer......


Your Loving Husband,

Rob

Thursday 13 ~ Reasons I Married Rob & Why I Love Him Still

1.) As corny and cheesey as I'm sure this will sound, it felt right. Granted, this was long before Twilight but he was my Edward. Once we met, I was drawn to him. Perhaps that's part of the reason why the Twilight series holds such a strong appeal for me. ;)

2.) The first time Rob and Gavin met, we went to the park. Keep in mind, this was before the "switch was flipped" and things with Gavin changed. Then we went to dinner at one of my favorite local places. While waiting for our food, Gavin dumped his cup of lemonade in Rob's khaki short wearing lap. It looked like Rob had peed himself. I was sure I would never see Rob again. Rob says that's the moment he fell in love with me.

3.) After the "switch was flipped" and things with the divorce became more difficult, I gave Rob the chance to leave. I offered him an "out". No hard feelings. I would understand. He stayed. Most men would have run. True love stays.

4.) He supports me. No matter what. Even when I don't support myself or my own dreams, there's Rob cheering me on.

5.) He finds the things in me endearing that most would try and quash. Like my love of office supplies. Or my obsession with books and the written word. Or the "battle" we have over which is better, technology or the books and the written word. Like the 100's of pens I have around the house. Or the journals and notebooks. My crazy taste in music and movies. Or how I will watch the same movie or read the same series (ahem, Twilight) repeatedly. He loves these things about me.

6.) I knew from his baby pictures that he was going to make some cute babies! ;)

7.) He's never once laughed at my phobias, ever. He holds my hand and strokes my hair when I have to get shots (needles). He takes care of me when MRI's are needed (small places). He's always there. He never laughs, no matter how silly they may seem to him.

8.) He gave up the fire department for us. I never asked him to do that. I never would have. That was his. His before we came along. And his for as long as he wanted it, I never hinted. Never thought. I knew that was his first love when we started dating and I was okay with that. When he quit; I knew how deep his commitment went.

9.) When my Granny died on Saturday, May 11th 2002, he took care of me for a week. He didn't push. He just loved me. If I hadn't had him and Gavin then, I wouldn't have made it through. He was there and that meant the world to me.

10.) When my world shattered that first weekend Gavin spent with them and I laid in his bed and cried. Paralyzed. Totally unable to move for two days. He slept on couch cushions upstairs so I didn't have to move before I was ready. He didn't push me then either. He was there. And I survived that too. With him.

11.) Every terrifying moment of my pregnancies with Elliott Richard and Emmett John, he was there. He gave me my shots; so I wouldn't have to give them to myself. He stood up for me. He cared for me. He slept on chairs when beds weren't available. He held my hand. He brought me food. He cried with me. Even when he had to go home to feed a dog or take a shower; he never left my side because he would call. From the road. As soon as he got home. Before he left.

12.) The worse my fibromyalgia becomes, the more they find wrong, the worse my health gets the more things falls upon Rob. More chores. More kids things. More "Mommy duties". I sleep more. I take more hot baths. I take more meds. I cry more. My life gets more difficult. His life gets more difficult. Still he doesn't leave. Still he loves me. Still he picks up the slack and keeps on chugging. He takes Gavin to his appointments. He takes me to mine. He naps when/if he can. And we all just keep moving forward. As one family. One unit. One marriage with 3 beautiful children.

13.) Look at my beautiful man over there ~~~~~~>

How can you not fall in love with that beautiful soul?!

If you would like to join in on the fun of Thursday 13 follow the links below.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

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Happy 6th Anniversary my Wonderful Husband!

I love you so much! I truly couldn't do it without you!

For my Tuesday Toot this week, I have joined the September Comment Challenge!

The challenge is to leave 500 comments between now, Tuesday, September 1st and Wednesday, September 31st. Which honestly sounds next to impossible but really super fun! :)

If you would like to join in the next to impossible, super fun...head on over to The September Comment Challege. Grab the button. Sign up. And join the fun. :)

In case you are curious, I have left a whole 8 comments so far today. But I still have to finish reading my Saturday 9's (yes, I'm that far behind) and my Tuesday Toots. So I should have plenty of comments (which I would have left anyway, I'm not leaving comments just for the sake of this challenge) left by the end of the day. (Assuming I can stay away from OME long enough. lol)

OME Sorority for all Twilight women!

If you are a woman (25 years +) and love Twilight stop by OME and check it out! The ladies are great. The boards are great. The moderators are great. (Of course, I could be biased because I'm both a lady on the board and one of the moderators. :) lol) We have a blast. But don't take my word for it, come and check it out for yourself. ;)

Saturday 9: The Waiting


1. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Yes, I have and now I'm married to him. :)

2. How do you eat oreos? However I want because I can. Usually I take them apart and lick the icing until it's gone. Then I eat the naked halves. Sometimes I just eat the cookie.

3. Are you cocky? Not usually but I guess I can be. Depends on my mood?

4. Did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? I had two - Michael and Jennifer. They lived in a hole in the ceiling. I don't know why but they did.

5. What t.v. station do you watch the most? Whichever has my reality television show on at the moment, usually CBS, VH1, or History, Food Network, Nat Geo.

6. Have you ever seen the ocean? In pictures. In movies. On TV. Do those count?

7. Have you ever been hospitalized? More times than I care to remember. Just for fun let's see if I can...Time #1 ~ 2 weeks old for some crazy 106 degree fever illness thing. Time #2 ~ Childbirth of Gavin in January 2000. Time #3 ~ Preterm labor with Elliott Richard. Time #4 ~ DVT and preterm labor with Elliott Richard. Time #5 ~ Childbirth of Elliott Richard. Time #6 ~ Childbirth of Emmett John.

8. What's your favorite brand of rootbeer? Woody's - it's made locally at an ice cream stand.

9. Could you live without a computer? No! How else would I check my email, write my posts, keep up with my blogs, and keep up with my moderator duties at OME?!?!?! What kind of crazy question is this? Honestly.

If you think you would like to join in the fun of the Saturday 9 then swing on by Crazy Sam's blog and join the fun! :)

Okay, so admitedly my Friday Fill In is a day late and a dollar short but it's better late than never, right? ;) Besides, I've been busy.

1. He was a vision of everything I'd ever wanted in man but there way no way he was the one for me.

2. September 3rd although the first day of school is a very close second is what I look forward to most this time of year.

3. My best friend in love and a forever kind of way is Rob; in a sisterly way is Trisha; in the "dog is man's best friend" way is Maggie Sue.

4. It's truly always best to be honest with (you) me because I'm one of those people where whatever my imagination comes up with really and truly will be much, much worse than the truth.

5. Appearances can be deceiving but I'm still one of those people who usually finds myself stuck to my first impressions.

6. The last person I gave a hug to was Rob and Emmett John (group hug).

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to wroking on the OME Twilight Sorority Message Boards, tomorrow my plans include hiding inside from the weather and trying to survive the flare it brings with it while blog surfing and working/surfing on the OME boards; hopefully taking Elliott Richard to the NICU Reunion and Sunday, I want to sleep in, take a nap, not have a flare, maybe wash some laundry, surf the web...SSDD!

If the Friday Fill In looks like something that you would like to participate in, just hop on over to Janet's Blog: Friday Fill Ins and get started! :)

Have a great weekend!

Thursday 13 ~ Things I Cannot Live Without (in no particular order ~ really)

1.) Blank Composition Notebooks ~ I need these to keep my thoughts organized. Computers are great and all but I need these to brain storm and whatnot. I can't do that properly with a computer.

2.) Pens ~ Pens, pens glorious pens. Pens of all colors, shapes and sizes. I collect them. I love them. They just so happen to go hand in hand with #1. Funny how that works, huh?

3.) My cell phone ~ But not for the reasons you may be thinking. Sure I love to talk, mainly to Rob and Trisha. However, it also has a camera in it and it's the easiest thing to grab to catch those fun, silly, adorable moments with my boys, my man, my sister, my dog.

4.) My Zune ~ I admit I didn't want it at first. When Rob bought it for me, I was not happy. Sure, it's blue, my favorite color. Now that I have it and I've learned to use it (and it's only taken me like forever) I can't live without it. I listen to it in the tub, when I write, when I just need some "me time".

5.) My laptop ~ Okay, so it's not "mine" per se but for now, it is. And for now, I can't live without it. I couldn't blog without it. I couldn't keep up with Twilight web sites without it (yes, I'm that obsessed). I've made some great new friends all over the world (Hi Latree!) with my baby and that just wouldn't have been possible without her.

6.) Rob ~ Yes, he's my husband. Yes, our marriage is seriously stressed 99.9% of the time. Lately though, things have taken a pleasant turn for the better. Stress or not stress, things are looking up. Stress or no stress, I couldn't do this without him. I need him by my side. He is truly my better half. My in-laws did a fabulous job raising him and I don't want to go through life without him.

7.) Trisha ~ My big sister. I love her. I looked for her for 10 years. It took MySpace to help me find her. (lol) We are alot alike. Then again, we are totally different. Logically, I know that I spent most of my life without Trisha in it; however, emotionally I feel like she's always been there. Kind of like when you have your children, I can't remember life before I had a sister.

8.) My boys ~ All of my life all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. I always thought I wouldn't be fulfilled until I had a daughter. Then I had Mr. Emmett John. Now I know that I wasn't meant to have a daughter and I'm more than okay with that. I am the mother of three wonderful, adorable boys and I wouldn't have it any other way.

9.) Books ~ I love to read. If couldn't do anything else for amusement for the rest of my life, I would want to read. Hands down. Well, read and write...you know what, never mind...I do love books but I can't pick any one thing over another. I'm too selfish. ;)

10.) Reality television ~ Some people say that reality television is the downfall of mankind. It kills brain cells. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yahooie kablooie. Whatever. I say that reality television is the single greatest television invention in a really long time. It is perfect. It's fun and mindless and just...ah...perfect.

11.) Chocolate ~ Chocolate is the perfect food. Honestly, anyone who can find something wrong with chocolate needs to have their head examined because you clearly have deeper underlying issues. Unless of course you are allergic to chocolate, in which case, you have my deepest sympathies and you are, of course, exempt from my prior assessment.

12.) My Blog ~ I've made it very clear at numerous different points in my blog that I prefer the pen and paper journal to the internet blog. However, being the mother of three small boys does not allow the time for a pen and paper journal. Also my arthritis in my hands is preventing me from writing as often and as much as I would like, which makes the blogging much easier than the pen and paper journal. My blog keeps me sane. It makes me happy. I just love it.

13.) Sleep ~ I love to sleep. I miss sleep. With three small boys, sleep is something that is often difficult to come by. (Says the mother with a coughing 3 year old on her lap at 12:15am while she scrambles to try and finish this blog that was supposed to have posted 15 minutes ago. ;) lol)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

So, one week ago today I posted a blog about my missing/expired driver's license. Well, as it turns out Rob didn't remember getting a card in the mail about my license because they hadn't sent one. How do I know this, you might ask? Because I just got it in the mail yesterday!

Yup, you read that right.

Wonderful, fantastic always on top of things Governor Strickland and his fantastic staff sent me my notice last week that my license had expired last month. However, his card did make sure to mention that I could drive with an expired license before they would make me take the exam again. (Gee, thanks.)

On the bright side, if he gets rid of charter schools as quickly as he sends out the expired license notices; Gavin's school isn't in any danger at all. ;)

Can't wait for my new daytimer!

:) It should be here by Friday, hopefully. :) I can't wait! I can't wait! :)

If you would like to partake in the fun of Six Word Saturday, then head on over to Cate's Blog. Grab the button. Put your info in Mr. Linky. And join along. :)

Saturday 9: I Ran
1. When's the last time you ran? I haven't ran in years. Although I used to run all the time when I was stressed out.

2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? The really well loved pairs do.

3. What are you dreading right now? The new school year. I'm terrified that Gavin won't make it to the end.

4. Do you like Mexican food? I love Mexican food!

5. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate peanut butter

6. When was your last doctor's visit? Wednesday 8/19/2009 with Dr. T

7. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? Maybe in some alternate universe but not in this one.

8. How many pets do you have? 2 ~ 1 dog, Miss Maggie Sue & 1 cat, Miss Cleo (not the washed up psychic) unless you count the numerous fish and a turtle then I have more than 2

9. "First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you? Yes and no. I believe that first loves always hold a special place in our hearts but I don't believe that they "are never over". My first love is definitely over. A part of me will always love him but I'll never be in love with him again. I only have love for my Robby now.

If you would like to join in the fun of the Saturday 9, head on over to Samantha's Blog and jump right on in!