My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor


12:06:00 AM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
So tired. So frustrated. Completely overwhelmed. Shrink says panic attacks are coming from sensory overload.

Elliott Richard is doing much better. He's able to nurse and keep it down now. So we are very slowly working on solids again after yesterdays projectile vomiting at bed time. Hpefully all this dehydrating mess is finally behind us.

Gavin is staying with my mother to allow Rob and I to focus on Elliott Richard and recover ourselves. Plus it's a nice vaca for Gavin.

6:46:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »

Posting from PSP.

Elliott Richard does not have the chicken pox like we thought. His ped said it was a reaction to his MMR vaccine coupled with the stomach flu. Then we came home and Elliott Richard couldn't keep anything down and was really pale. We decided to take him in to the ER. The ER said it was rotovirus~whatever that is. He was dehydrated but luckily we caught it before he needed to be admitted. Thank God for small favors.

Houston, we've got Pox.

2:30:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Elliott Richard had his MMR and chicken pox vaccines on the 7th. Apparently it's very rare for a child to develop chicken pox even though it its a live form of the virus. And in keeping with tradition, Elliott Richard is very rare and has developed chicken pox. *sigh* This is the same child who simply had to come one month early, ended up in the hospital with his first case of the stomach flu, developed some yucky blister/absess on his left middle finger literally over night...Elliott Richard doesn't do anything the easy way. *sigh* I was really hoping he would avoid the whole pox ordeal but no such luck. Now we've got to watch him to make sure he doesn't spike a high fever, like Rob did after he had the MMR vaccine as a baby, or get dehydrated with the vomitting and stuff. :( Poor little guy. Plus how do you explain to a 13 month old not to scratch?

I still seriously need a vacation. Oh and Rob and I have to meet with Nick and Pam on the 24th again. Gavin's therapist wants one more meeting before court on the 26th. She wants to know who is willing to work together and who is out only for ;)

The Life of an Asperger's Parent

5:22:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I love my son, Gavin. I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I just wish he were "normal". I wish I didn't have to hear "I just said 'T' 'B' 'Y'" like it was the most amazing thing ever. And then to hear that same sentence over and over and over again. It's just too much some days. Rob sent me an article on Autism written from the parent's POV but I can't bring myself to read it because it just hits too close to home.

I wish for the child I had at first. The sweet, sweet little boy who could make sense of the world. I long for the days before we had pediatric developmental neurologists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, physical therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and special schools. I long for a week without an appointment. My weeks will never be empty again. Gavin will always have one appointment or another. I long for time to myself. I long for a day without stimming - stimulating behaviors he uses to try and self-soothe...flapping his hands as if he's trying to take flight, repeatative clearing of his throat, saying the same sentence/word etc over and over again, tapping his fingers, bouncing/rocking in place etc.

Most people who know me will tell you that I am far from "normal" myself. And I usually loath normal. I am all about individuality, sense of self, marching to the beat of your own drummer...yahooie kabluie. As much as I hate to say this, I wish he could just be NORMAL. Sit quietly. Not respond to everything with a major melt-down and fit. Not pull his hair out over the smallest slight. No more stealing and hoarding food. No more "fighting" with the insurance company over specialists and services that he needs but most kids don't so they don't automatically cover them. (I put fighting in quotes because it's not so much a fight as an obstacle coarse trying to get through the red tape in the proper order.) No more guilt for playing favorites as a mother because honestly, Elliott Richard is just so much easier. No more guilt over things I'll never have answers for - did my actions those first 8 weeks of pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant) cause this? If I had never married my ex-husband and Gavin had never seen the D.V. would he be this way? Did I not love him enough? Did I coddle him too much? WHAT IF?!

I want normal. I want to not have to schedule every moment of every day for the rest of my life. I want to not have to live by prescriptions and doctors appointments. I want to put him to bed and a half hour later he's asleep and he stays asleep until 8 or so the next morning. He doesn't wake up at 3 am with nightmares and play with toys quietly because he's up for the day but knows we need a few more hours sleep. I want a break. I want someone to care. I want someone to understand. I want someone to tell me it's not my fault and we aren't going crazy. I want to be someone else for a little while but every time I try to change my name - Gavin flips out and demands I become "mommy" again. *sigh*

6:10:00 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Antibiotics should not make you sicker than the virus/bacteria they were prescribed to treat. Just an observation I wanted to share.


8:09:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I have the sinus infection that would.not.die! I feel horrible. I went to Aultman North yesterday for antibiotics and came home with horse pills. Apparently I waited too long and let things get a little out of hand. *shrugs* However, I don't remember agreeing to trade off the sinus headache that was threatening to blow the top of my head off for the nausea that could bring a yak to its knees. *sigh* Now it's Easter Sunday and Gavin expects me to be happy and upbeat and blah blah blah...I just don't have it. *blech*

On a side note, why when there is a mouse in my 103 year old house do my cats sleep round the clock and ignore it? But when there aren't any mice and life is quiet, do they stalk through the house as if every shadow hides hundreds of the little buggers? My cats are morons.

Back to vegging in front of the tube...

The Meeting

1:36:00 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
The meeting was...interesting. The panic attack didn't set in until after we were home and I tried to watch a repeat of "Judging Amy" involving a case of spousal abuse who threw a chair through a window...I fell apart at that point.

Nick claims he wants to do whatever is in Gavin's best interests even if that means Gavin never spends the night at his mother's house again. *insert confusion here* Rob and I are taking everything he said with a grain of salt at this point. As you can see my thoughts are still pretty scattered today.

I remember Rob confronting Nick on why he came to court twice the legal blood alcohol level two different times if things are so different. lol I kicked him (Rob). Gavin's shrink jumped in to redirect the conversation.

Pam kept asking "what about me?" and "what about what I want?" Nick kept reminding her that it wasn't about her. I wonder how long this new "sober super-dad" will stick around. He looked familiar that's for sure - he was the same guy I thought I was marrying 7 years ago. Needless to say, that's not the guy who showed up to the alter or the "marriage" afterwards. He was sporting a stylish dragon tattoo on his right upper arm. Along with a very stylish *insert sarcasm here* tongue piercing. (I've never understood the point in tongue rings.) I told them I want to form a team that acts in Gavin's best interests reguardless of what that happens to mean for any of us. Nick says he agrees. Pam not so much. She asked me if I was willing to drop all legal proceedings at this point and agree to never use lawyers again. about NO!! Sometimes I wonder if I have "idiot" or "born yesterday" tattooed on my forehead. She just wants lawyers gone because she thinks Nick is then free to be an alcoholic and drug addict without consequence. Or she knows something I don't know, which could be, and she can't fight the battle on more than one front. Either way, no dice.

Here we go...

2:34:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm meeting with Nick and Pam in 2.5 hours. The panic attacks are already starting. Think i'll go vomit now.

Ah...true love...

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