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I have a theory...or two...

7:20:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
And this being my blog I am about to subject you to my theories. :) Don't you feel lucky?

Theory #1: Procreation and Fertilization
We need to evolve so that the second there is a fertilized egg that successfully implants, there is a warning. I don't care what this warning is. It could be a literal glow, like our whole belly just *lights up*. Or a light within our belly button. Heck, in keeping with the "pee on a stick" tradition, something could change with our urine. Whatever it is, it needs to be obvious. It needs to scream, "Hey you, lady! You're pregnant!" Perhaps if the pregnancy results in twins (or more) the light within the belly button could be...flashing. Something to say, "Oh and by the way, there's more than one."


Yes, I'm taking the "fun" out of finding out your pregnant. Yes, I'm making it impersonal. But you know what, if you've never struggled with the Hell that is known as "The 2ww" (The 2 Week Wait) then you don't know how much those two weeks hurt. And just how much all of those pee sticks cost! Besides, this is my crazy, messed up list of theories. :) lol

Theory #2: Notification of Sex

No. No. No. I do not mean a notification that you are going to have sex or have had sex. Hopefully you already picked up on those signals and they resulted in Theory #1.

I mean that the sex of the child (fetus/embryo - whatever) is determined at fertilization. Therefore it's perfectly reasonable to want to be notified as soon as possible as to the sex. (For those of you who wish to be "surprised" - sorry surprises have no room in my theories.)

Oh, I know! The light! (Or the urine, whichever option you went with. If you went with urine and you have boy/girl twins then your urine would be purple.) The light will be blue or pink depending upon the sex of the child. And if it does happen to be boy/girl twins it would flash pink and blue, alternating of course. Yes, that's perfect. The light is directly tied to the sex. (And for those of you who don't like "blue for boys and pink for girls" - again I'm sorry. These are my theories and it's just easier to have blue = boys and pink= girls. Nothing sexist about it. It's all about convenience.)
There now we have it established that not only am I pregnant, but the sex and number of fetus(es). The next problem to arise with pregnancy, is naming the child.

Theory #3: The Naming

As some of you know, naming a child can be HELL! Sure, sometimes it works out all nice and neat...You open that baby name book to exactly the right page at that exactly right, cosmic moment and the stars align, the angels sing and the name literally jumps up off the page and does a little jig for while screaming "ME! ME! ME! I'm the perfect name!"

Well, to those of you who are lucky enough to have those moments...pfth on you! :p

The rest of us spend hours upon hours, reading every baby name book ever written (no matter how obscure), searching websites, checking meanings, popularity, spellings...the list goes on and on. We find a name and it feels "sort of right" but not quite there. Kind of like your second favorite pair of jeans. The pair that are your first choice only when your favorite pair is dirty and in the wash. They fit. They feel okay. But they just aren't perfect! So we keep looking. We re-read the baby name books, the websites. We ask friends, family, the telemarketer that dared to call, and the cashier at the grocery store what names they like. We consider every name ever known to man. Literally. No name is too off-the-wall for a brief period...

Cosmo, Tallulah, Nevaeh...the list goes on and on. Just look at the celebrities! Do you think they wanted to name their children "Pilot Inspector" or "Fifi-Trixiebelle"?! No! Of course they didn't. But they couldn't decide. It came down to the wire. Their children were going to have blank birth certificates and go through life as "Baby Boy" or "Baby Girl", which honestly may have been preferable to the chosen names but that's neither here nor there. Now those poor children are saddled with horrible names! That's a lot of pressure on a parent!

There has to be a way to find out what our children are destined to be named without the hours of reading and stressing. Let's see...for the religious (or non-sci-fi inclined) we could go with a dream. A divine intervention if you will. You go to sleep (having already had your pink and/or blue light warning) and the child comes to you and tells you, "My name is..." There you go, problem solved. In the time span of a week tops, you have managed to not only discover that you are pregnant but also learn the pre-destined name for your child(ren). At this point you breathe deep sigh of relief and focus on enjoying your pregnancy. (Ah, life is good.)

But...wait...what's that? You aren't the religious type and don't really believe in "divine intervention dreams"? Okay, fine then. Let's see...we could go sci-fi? Something along the lines of "Battlestar Galactica". I mean we have colored lights in our belly buttons so why not run with that, right? So, you've had you light experience. You now know you are pregnant. You also know the number of fetus(es) and the sex(es). At that point, your body is kind enough to spit out a print out. I'll allow you to use your imagination as to where this print out comes from. (Get your mind out of the gutter! Shame on you. Honestly, this is a family blog!) I was thinking along the lines of mouth, ear, or slit from behind your ear. Whatever. with the name destined for your child.


Either way, you now have the fact that you are definitely pregnant, the sex of the child(ren), and the name(s). Life is good. Life is peaceful. And that's one less thing to stress out over for the next 9 months. Besides think of all the shopping you could get done from the get-go! (Ah, shopping, I miss you so.)

Theory #4: The Warning System

For those of us prone to high risk pregnancies and even for those prone but blissfully unaware of what's looming on the horizon, there should be an advanced warning system. I honestly don't care what it is. A letter from God in the mail would work. Another divine intervention dream. Or in keeping with the light theory, the light could change to RED. Bright, nearly blinding red that simply screams "WARNING". This light would also activate if at any point something goes "wrong" allowing the mother-to-be to know that, "Hey, we need to book it to L&D!" (I can't tell you how many times I've begged for this warning system over the past 6 months.) This warning system would also serve double duty, it would also serve as warning for the OB as well. That way there's no question. It's not the mother-to-be being over-protective or worrying too much. It means there is something off that needs to be explored.

Theory #5: Labor & Delivery

When it comes time for "the big day", again there should be warning. Some of us are lucky enough to have our water obviously break in the very beginning. Thereby forcing us to stop and say, "Uh oh, it's time." However, most of us never get that warning. So we spend hours and days and sleepless nights trying to time contractions and judge on a ridiculous scale of 1-10 what our pain is. (I hate that stupid scale.) When we should be resting. Or not worrying because it's false labor. Or hauling booty to L&D because "it's time" was actually 12 hours ago, which means you are rapidly approaching the land of no return. Other wise known as, "the land of NO EPIDURAL"! (AH! The horror! And for those of you who prefer natural childbirth, bravo for you. However, if God had intended for me to go naturally he would have seen fit to have me born before epidurals were discovered. As I was not born then - at least not that I can recall - I choose to go with the beloved epidural.)

So there needs to be a warning system here as well. Let's see...it can't be the same as Theory #4's warning system. That would be entirely too confusing. So let's just make it completely obvious, shall we?

On the religious/non-sci-fi front, we could yet another divine intervention dream. It's a simple dream. A timer is all we need. So you close your eyes. Go to sleep. And all you dream is a rapidly counting down timer telling you that you have X days, X hours, X minutes, X seconds before "it's time" becomes "Happy Birthday".

For the sci-fi inclined, rather than a dream we still get the timer. (X days, X hours, X minutes, X seconds) Only it shows across our belly. No denying that warning now is there. Either way you have an idea of how long before the end, which gives you plenty of time to haul booty to L&D and get that beloved epidural (if you so choose). Or to wait it out at home before calling your midwife and having a baby.

There we have it. Pregnancy from start to finish. No muss. No fuss. No questioning. No second-guessing. Just in and out, "Pregnancy in a Can" if you will. All the convenience of fast food without the calories! ;) lol

Ah, if only life were so simple...

2 Comments:

Nicole said...

ahhh now if only life worked that way!

Kari said...

I came across your blog a couple weeks ago and I am loving keeping up with you and your family.

I was on bedrest with both of my children but my 2nd pregnancy was the worst!!! I feel for you!

I love your theories list..it is great!! I really like the name one..I do not think there is a harder job..and if you are like my hubby and me we never liked the same name at the same time.Our first child was easy...but the 2nd one was soo hard..that is why she now has a good ole double name we compromised, her name is
Emily Klair...so good luck to ya'll in the name game!!

I just wanted to let you know that you have a blogger friend in TN that is thinking of you and your family...during this time.I love your post keep them up.

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