My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor


1:48:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 6 Comments »
I am so overwhelmed, over-loaded and exhausted. I have coughed my throat and vocal cords completely raw. I can't speak above a whisper without the sensation that my throat is being slit. (At least how I imagine that feels anyway.) I've lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks. Dr. D says I'll gain it back once I feel better but what if I don't have that much time? I have to choke down food to feed Tiny. I can't taste it and I hurts like Hell to swallow. But I suffer through it anyway. I live on ice cubes right now. Trying desperately to stay hydrated because they said Tuesday I was getting dehydrated. The more I improve, the more I cough. The more I cough, the worse my throat/vocal cords get. The worse they get the worse I feel and more overwhelmed I become. I'm so far beyond my limit that all I want to do is cry. Only I can't cry because it stirs up my nose and cough, which again just exacerbates the issues. So I sit here. Feeling completely alone and cut off from the world. Trying to hold it together. Trying to stay sane. Trying desperately to eat and drink enough. Trying not to cry. Patience in my household is a thing of the past at the moment. Everyone is irritating everyone else. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't dare turn to Rob. (You've read his posts, he's drowning as it is.) I can't call my mom because I can't talk. And while Elliott Richard is cute, he isn't much for the deep conversations.

I feel as if I'm holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm not carrying it because carrying requires me to get up and move around. *sigh* I'm holding it all and I feel as if I'm being buried alive under neither the weight of it. I'm chasing my tail...Go on bed rest. Stay down. Help Rob. But don't get up. Watch Elliott. But don't get up. Keep an eye out for preterm labor. But don't over-react. Gain a lot of weight so Tiny has a better chance at birth. Crap, I lost weight. Gain it back. Can't swallow. Find a way anyhow. Can't talk. Figure it out. Appease your friends. No wait, do what you need to do to survive. But don't forget to call them or their feelings will be hurt. I just can't take it anymore!

If I knew that it wouldn't jeopardize my health or Tiny's I would say forget bed rest. I would do the laundry, the dishes, take care of Elliott Richard, take care of my duties at school, do the shopping and the running around. I would take care of all my jobs that have been dumped on Rob and are contributing to his drowning. Then I could say forget the Heparin shots too. And that would be one less thing for Rob to worry about. I would do all the things that I always did. If only I knew that I could get away with it. If only I knew that it wouldn't be an issue. If only I knew that Tiny and I would make it out okay.


Nicole said...

the only words of advice I have honey (other than a big fat hug) is that, "This too shall pass". I know it's irritating to hear (it drives me up a fricking wall when I hear it) but it is true.

Nicole said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ah...fellow bedrester. If you can just hang on a few more weeks then you'll get to the point that cheating is allowed. In a few more weeks you can do a load of laundry and take care of Elliott and take some of the load off of Rob. Until then all you can do is take a deep breath (not too deep or you'll cough) and take care of yourself.


Anonymous said...

Don't worry about school. We all are behind you 100% and know that what you are doing needs to be top priority. We'll just be tickled pink, or blue, to see you strolling into school with little Tiny. We're praying for you.


MarcsMom said...

hi Liz, Double what Nancy said....Don't worry about the school that just need to rest and take of the two of you...I told you if you need anything at all call (or have Rob call) Marc and I are still here. I figured you will call when you are feeling up to it. No rush (miss our talks tho) Markie told me he played outside at school with Gavin today was thrilled about that! (((((((hugs)))))))) ttys

Julie said...

Thinking about you and sending thoughts and prayers for quick healing and less stress.

Ah...true love...

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