My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

She lives!

11:33:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 3 Comments »
It's currently 11:33pm. Rob is snuggling with Emmett John. Elliott Richard is asleep in bed. Gavin is also asleep, finally. I have no idea how long I have before Emmett John decides he's starving. (lol) Ah, the joys of exclusively breastfeeding. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to attempt to keep this update short and sweet, since I don't know how long I have to write/post it.

Emmett John saw Dr. H, his pediatrician, for the first time today. He's been on the walaby blanket for about 18 hours, give or take. At his appointment this afternoon his bili level was 15, which is down a whole whopping .4 from Sunday. *sigh* Rob and I were really hoping for a greater improvement than .4 but honestly, we'll take whatever improvement we can get at this point. He goes back tomorrow for another bili level, which while necessary I hate it. Poor baby is running out of real estate on his heels!!!!

Other than that he's absolutely perfect. Since we've started the walaby blanket his nursing is back up to snuff. For a while there, he was nursing but not very effectively and that's painful for mommy!!! Now he's back and nursing like a champ. (Thank God for small favors!)

The Stats (at birth)
Weight: 7lb 4oz
Length: 19.5in
Head Circ: 13.5cm (?)
The Stats (at discharge)
Weight: 6lb 14oz
Length: 19.5in
Bilirubin Level: 12
The Stats (at Dr. H)
Weight: 6lb 13oz (down 1oz from discharge Saturday, not bad)
Length: 19.5in
Head Circ: 33.6cm (right, it's cm isn't it?)
Bilirubin level: 15 (whatever unit it's measured in)

I'm sorry if I worried any of you with my "I'm only human" blog from a few days ago. I just needed to vent. Rob says it was all about him but in all honesty it wasn't. It was about him and about a zillion other things/people. I'm just dealing with raging hormones and a little bit of baby blues. I'm keeping a close eye on it. So is Rob. But I thank you all for your support and love. It helps, truly it does.

My cousin Sam came over and visited with me today. Which is to say that she came over to see Emmett John and was kind enough to listen to me ramble for like an hour. (Thanks Sam!)

There was so much I wanted to put in this post but my "Mommy Timer" is telling me that Emmett John is going to be calling for me in a few. (Nursing mommies will understand that comment. lol) So it will all have to wait. Not that I remember what most of it was...but that's beside the point.

Quick Update....

3:49:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »
Emmett has run into some problems and is becoming very jaundice. We have to wrap him up in a UV blanket 24 hrs a day. He is getting blood drawls everyday and is being very closly monitored at home. Other then that he is VERY small but in really good shape. Lizze is struggling a little bit right now but said she is going to post some time today. We have pictures of Emmett glowing blue. We will keep you posted....

I'm only human.

2:55:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 3 Comments »
I am only human.

I bleed just like everyone else. I hurt. I get completely over-whelmed. I'm 2 days post-partum with everything that comes with that...raging hormones, pain, sore breasts, raging hormones, crying, sobbing...did I mention raging hormones?

I realized something today. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How I'm a "statistical anomaly". It dawned on me today that while people may say that out of one side of their mouths...they are dumping their issues on me out the other side. It feels like they really say it because it makes them feel better about dumping their issues on me. If they see me as this strong, wonderful, rock of a woman or even if they just *say* that's what they see...they don't feel the guilt. I get these lovely back-handed compliments and they get to unload.

Maybe it's my fault. I should just start unloading. I should bare the deepest pieces of my soul to stop them from dumping theirs on me?

No one knows how terrified I am. How when I move while holding Emmett I have flashes of him tumbling from my arms. How I laid in bed and shook after his birth because I couldn't bear the thought of him going to the NICU. No one knows how he has quirky preemie things he does that terrify me. So I have sat in bed for three days and held him and watched him. When I would put him in the bassinet and he would make funny/new baby noises, I sat bolt upright and watched his every move. I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep total since Wednesday night. I have had conversations that I'll never remember. I've been "on" for everyone. I've shouldered everything and just kept on going.

Lucky me.

Elliott Richard Meets Emmett John.........

11:55:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 4 Comments »
Elliott met Emmett for the very first time today. This is a small clip of how it went. Nothing was done to the video because I am to tired and I have both Elliott and Gavin at home now. I just wanted to show how it went. Gavin does not appear on tape. This is for a couple reasons...

1) Gavin doesn't always like being taped.
2) With all the legal "Crap" we are very careful with Gavin.
Once this is all over with (hopefully very soon) then we can just do what we want. But until then we have to be careful what we do. If you are new here and wondering what I am referring to skim through some of the older posts and you'll understand.. Those of you that know us know what we are referring to... Gavin was completely indifferent to Emmett today when they met for the first time. We kinda expected as much. But we know Gavin loves Emmett in his own way and that's good enough for us.

Until later.... Thanks You

Introducing Emmett John

9:35:00 AM Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 20 Comments »
Emmett John was born at exactly 12:30am this morning after about 10 hours of "Official" labor. Lizze pushed 12 times. Emmett was born and given right to the NICU staff for once over.. I am so pleased to announce that he is perfect. No problems at all. We were terrified as the time grew closer because of what happened with Elliott Richard.

Lizze did an amazing job and I am so grateful for all her hard work and personal sacrifice in order to bring him into this world. She is absolutely amazing and I am so proud of her. The hospital staff are second to none. I will post more later.

Thank you for yours thoughts and prayers though out this process. While we will still need your continued prayers because of the turmoil our lives are in we made it over a huge hurdle. Thank you so much for thoughts and prayers....



11:10pm W June 25, 2008

11:52:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
Well, doctor just checked me again. I'm now 5-6cm dilated. 90% effaced. Still -2 station. She placed an internal monitor........

Having baby now

10:50pm W June 25, 2008

10:56:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Just got checked again. I'm a whopping 5cm and 80% effaced. -2 station. We want 10cm 100% and +2 station. I'm having some major itching as a natural side effect of the epidural. They've increased my pit quite a few times and my epidural once. I predicted he would be here between 9 and 12. I was wrong.

I'm off to try and sleep for a bit.


9:00pm W June 25, 2008

9:06:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 4 Comments »
Doctor (not Dr. D) just came in and checked me. I'm still dilated 4cm but now I'm 80% effaced. So we are making some progress. She said she isn't worried b/c this is my pattern...stall then jump to 10cm. Other than that, nothing much has changed. Tiny is tolerating labor really well. And the general concensus is that he should be fine and we should be able to avoid the NICU.

That's my prayer request: no NICU.

I'll update or have Rob update as needed. Although *the* update make take a while. ;) lol


6:51:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 4 Comments »
Epidural in.
Dilated to 4cm.
Water completely broken now.
That's about it for now.

Stupid phone...

5:10:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
Stupid phone cut me off in mid-email when I was still typing. Oh well, I'll fix it later.

Long story short:

My water is leaking. (it took 2 tests and an ultrasound to confirm this.)
I've been admitted.
Pitcin was started @ 230pm.
Last time I was checked (2.5 hrs ago) I was dilated to 3cm and effacing more.
I am exactly 36 wks today.

We will probably post more later on. Pray he doesn't need the NICU. Please God, don't let him need the NICU.

Guess what?!

4:54:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm currently admitted to the hospital! Yes, you read that correctly...I am in the hospital! :)

I was having some nasty contractions last night and this morning. Late last night I was feeling like my water may have broken but I literally didn't have *any* evidence of it breaking so I blew it off. I woke up this morning after a crappy night's sleep with some horrible cramping. I was having some contractions about 5 mins apart that were making me...let's say uncomfortable. (I'm sure Rob will feel free to correct me later. Lol) At one point Rob backed into the "man cave" to get away. Lol

We came in anyway just in case my water was leaking. Turns out that I was rig

We have a name!

12:15:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 3 Comments »
Seriously. We do.

I don't think I'll share until he's born though.

Ha. Ha. (Remember you love me! *muah*)

36 weeks & Update

12:02:00 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
What Tiny is up to this week: The countdown continues… and in fetal developments: most of the bones (soft skull aside) in their little body are now completely hardened, providing a solid structure from which they can now make their grand debut into the world. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are structurally ready for a secure launch. In physical fitness news: their muscle tone has also improved over these past few weeks, and you’ll definitely be impressed by their steel-like Ulnar grasp (a newborn reflex that occurs if you lay your finger in their palm). And in genital development: if you’re having a girl, her labia are now fully developed. Finally, in the fluids/excretion department: the amniotic fluid-to-baby ratio has fallen over these past weeks, although they’re still swallowing fluid (building up even more meconium for that historic first poop), and some vernix caseosa. They will be more than ready to swallow and digest milk after birth. Just in case you didn’t get it quite yet: you’ve got yourself an adorable and hungry 6.5 lbs 20 inch baby—are you ready?

Now this is all assuming of course that Tiny sticks around for another 7 days. Personally, I highly doubt we'll make it to 37 weeks. And at this point, I question if we'll make it to the end of the week.

I've been having contractions 8 minutes apart all day. My mom came and picked up Gavin for a slumber party. Elliott Richard is having his first slumber party sans grandparents over at Uncle Jon and Aunt Teri's. (I'm not sure who was more excited - Elliott Richard or Aunt Teri when she picked him up.) I was having contractions 3 minutes apart for a few hours but they have moved back to 8 minutes apart. I am having some serious pressure though, which is new. I haven't had pressure like this yet. At times, the pressure is actually more painful than the contraction itself. My nurse yesterday/last night (the one who fought for my admittance) said if "anything changes, anything at all come back". I think the amount of pressure I'm having definitely qualifies as "anything changing". So if that keeps up (it's only gotten worse as the day goes on) I will probably go back in. And then I will probably be sent home, again. *sigh*

Just an observation

1:38:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Dr. D was kind enough to call in a script for the Zofran. (Thank God!) My insurance will pay for 10 pills. We aren't sure if this is 10 pills at a time. Three days worth at a time (since it's prescribed 3 times a day). Or if it's 10 pills a month. I'm currently trying to figure this out. Anyway, they are dissolving tablets. Which is nice. However, in their attempt to make them not taste like asprin they made they berry flavored. Which is absolutely disgusting when you are already incredibly nauseous.

Reverse Engines!!!!

9:58:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
Okay, so one more quick post before I try and nap. (Ha! Yeah right!) Anyway, it occurred to me last night that for 4 months everyone has been praying for us. For Tiny to stay put. To this I politely and lovingly scream...


No more praying for him to stay put!


I beg of you!

Pray for him to COME OUT!

Out I say!

Weekend Update

9:41:00 AM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Yeah so it's Tuesday and I'm just giving the weekend update. Sue me. (Seriously, go ahead. All the "cool kids" are doing it these days. lol)

Thursday ~ L&D visit. I think I posted from my cell phone in my room.

Friday ~ L&D visit #2. Again I think I posted from my cell phone in my room. (Feel free to correct me on this and I'll fix this part of the update.)

Saturday ~ Stayed home. Absolutely miserable. On again, off again contractions with cramps.

Sunday ~ Home again. Still miserable. Still having on again, off again contractions. Tiny was moving like mad. Whoever said they slowly down on the movements when they run out of room, didn't know my son. Ate Wendy's spicy chicken for dinner. (That's the first thing I'd had to eat since Saturday at dinner.)

Monday ~ Home in the morning. Phenergan not working. Unable to keep down food or water. Probably dehydrated. Forcing down water. Trying to hold it down, failing more often than not. Went in to L&D at 1:00pm. Declared in "latent early labor", which is a fancy term for "stuck at 2cm during early labor". Once I get over this 2cm hump I may just fly. It's just a matter of getting to that point. We were in L&D for 6-7 hours. My nurse was able to see a few of my "10" contractions that for whatever reason weren't showing up on the monitor. So she was fighting to have me admitted but since I'm not changing the doctors weren't going for it. They gave me Zofran for the nausea et al. (I'm currently waiting to hear from Dr. D's office on whether they are willing to call in a script so I can keep hydrated blah blah blah.) Then they released me.

Now we wait. Well we wait. I try and stay sane. I woke up with horrible cramps - I think I only slept through them because the Ambien didn't leave me much of a choice. I was feeling pretty good this morning and made the mistake of eating a doughnut and drinking some water. The contractions have decided they don't appreciate the doughnut being in my stomach and are trying to evict it.

Lisa came at 8:00am and gave me my last 17P injection. She assured me that it will not stop what has already started. (Woo who!) I will miss her weekly visits. I will NOT miss the injections. (lol)

Rob is "nesting". I am exhausted. I think I'll let him nest and go try and nap.


9:06:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
Here's the current list of first names. Don't ask me for middle names because we just aren't there yet. I have included origin and meaning in case you are interested.

Elijah - (Hebrew) Lord is my God

Caden - (American) Fighter (also spelled: Kaden, Kayden, Kaeden)

Lucas - (Greek) from Lucania


9:05:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »
***This is a vent. An unleashing of the flood gates. Maybe in releasing the floodgates I will finally *fully* go into labor.***

I appear to have lost my God. I've been praying, mentally calling, desperately seeking and the line appears to be dead. I think I've got a wrong number. Or he's got caller ID and is avoiding my calls.

I begged last week, "Please God, let's end this. Whatever it takes, let's get Tiny here and be done." At that point, my labor came to a screeching halt. Since then it's been stuck in a puttering car-dying while you are driving it kind of mode.

I'm having just enough contractions to physically, mentally and psychologically exhaust me. I've been walking around all weekend with that full-body tensed-up feeling that you get either just after running that 2K you really didn't prepare for or like Rob says "when you feel like you're going to puke but you never do". My mom says
, "maybe that feeling is impending labor".

I've eaten once in two or three days because the nausea is horrible - even with the phenergan. I've lost my mucous plug, which could either mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. I've had pink tinged mucous since then, which again could mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. (Sorry that's probably *way* too much info.)

I can't sleep, even *with* Ambien. I toss and turn, while I try and get away from the "feeling" (see 2 paragraphs up). I'm sure I kept Rob up all night.

I am a grumpy and generally horrible person to be around. Rob keeps begging me to go back to sleep. I don't even want to be in my own skin at this point.

I begged God four days ago, "Please!? Can't we end this?" I get that God doesn't always answer our prayers in the manner we would like. Really, I get it. But at the same time, I never really had him pegged as a sick and twisted kinda guy.

If Tiny isn't coming, FINE! But enough with the torture already.

I hereby wave the white flag in surrender.

Time is running out!

8:59:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm not sure when but I doubt it's going to be long before Tiny makes his grand enterance into the world. If you haven't already, you'll want to be sure to enter your guess into the poll we've got going!

You won't find mother of the year here

11:39:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 6 Comments »
I feel like I've been complaining, a lot; however, I am being honest. Something I hope my friends and family have come to expect from me...honesty. It's so rarely seen anymore. Many don't know it when it stares them right in the face. Other's don't care to know it at all because lying is easier.

Me? I prefer the truth. I will lie on certain things. Christmas. Birthdays. Other holidays/events where gifts or surprises are involved. But in all things big and major, I tell the truth.

I like to think that's why some of you read the blog at all. Because of the honesty you'll find here. Because it's not post after post of how rosie things might be or could be or we would like them to be. We show you the honest truth. The nitty gritty of our lives, within reason. (Let's face it, something things just aren't meant for sharing. ;) lol)

Rob and I spent the better part of 7-8 hours in L&D last night. When we arrived my contractions were 10 minutes apart. Then they were 7 minutes apart. Then 5 minutes. In the end, just before I was sent home, they were 3 minutes apart and kicking my butt.

Long story short, I was "violated" 6 ways from Sunday. Had one incredibly painful IV placed about 30 minutes before my release. And monitored for 7-8 hours. In the end, I had dilated to about 2 cm (an increase from the 1 cm/40% effaced I've been for 3-4 weeks) but that wasn't enough. I needed to dilate more and faster for it to be "true labor". They sent me home.

Elliott Richard was "spending the night" at Grandma and Grandpa G's. I used that term loosely because apparently very little sleep was had.

Gavin spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa W's. Although from what I hear, sleep was hard to come by there as well.

We got home at 2-ish am. I took a Darvocet and an Ambien to help me sleep. They finally kicked in (ie won out over the contractions) at around 4-4:30am. I slept for about 4 hours total last night. My uterus contacted away. Like the "Little Engine that Could" only without the accomplishment in the end.

We woke up. I took my morning meds. Made a quick trip to Wally World for envelopes for my cards. Came home. Laid down for a while. (Contracting 7-10 minutes apart all the while.) Grandma G and Aunt Jenny brought Elliott Richard home. Hung out with my Twitter Bug until the contractions became so bad that I was clinging to the couch for support and sobbing. Grandma G and Aunt Jenny came back. Elliott Richard was gone again.

Off to L&D we went again. So sure that "this was it". So sure we would be seeing our Tiny soon. I contracted 3-5 minutes apart all the way to the hospital. I contracted during the entire trip from the ER to L&D. I contracted and I cried.

They wheeled me into L&D. My favorite nurse, Shawn, was on shift. She saw me. Then she saw the tears and lack of smile, which I usually always wear when I see her. (She is a truly special nurse in my book.) She caught on that we meant business and it might actually be it. It took a few moments to get my ID bands on because I was doubled over in pain. I finally flung my right arm out to the side so they could band me - pain or not. They debated moving my wheelchair because of the pain. I think I half mumbled, half grunted "it won't matter". So they moved me. As if I were either made of glass or going to shred their heads from their shoulders...I'm not sure which.

I climbed into bed with a lot of help from Rob. He helped me get dressed. Something that never happens due to my fierce independence streak. I think I laid my head on his chest and sobbed for a moment. I got into bed. Shawn came in. Hooked up the monitors. And as if she had flipped a switch (a very cruel and vindictive switch) it all stopped. My contractions disappeared. The few I had weren't showing up on the monitor but were obvious upon viewing and feeling my belly. It all just came to a screeching halt.

I cried.

They checked me, again. I'm still dilated to 2cm. No change. These contractions that were bringing me to my knees sobbing in pain weren't enough to get the job done.

I cried.

Shawn came back in. She zapped Tiny with a vibrator/buzzer thingie because he was asleep and they needed to see his heart rate with some increases and decells before they could release me. She placed it on my belly and *buzzt*. Tiny literally jumped from his spot head down with his back in the center of my belly to the left side of my belly. As far away from the violating "buzzt" as he could get. All in one moment, Shawn "buzzt" Tiny. Tiny jumped. And my entire uterus seized up in a massive contraction.

They were all happy with the outcome. We were discharged. The nurse who discharged me (not my beloved Shawn) said that the "seasoned nurses" swear by spicy food and sex. I've been eating spicy food. The other is a no-no while on strict bed rest, which Dr. D is adamant I continue until Tiny arrives or 37 weeks - whichever comes first.

We came home again.

Gavin is still with Grandma and Grandpa W.

Elliott was with Grandma and Grandpa G until about 2 hours ago. They were nice enough to bring him home along with Taco Bell for me (spicy food on a budget) and a sundae for Rob. Elliott fell asleep in the car. Rob carried him to bed.

I feel like a horrible mother.

I didn't get to say "amens" (aka prayers) with Elliott Richard last night or tonight. I love to say "amens" with him. I didn't get to tuck Gavin in or remind him that he needed to sleep and turn the TV off at 10pm last night or tonight.

When Tiny comes, if Heaven forbid he is in the NICU, I know I will camp out at the hospital. I will not leave. I will sleep in whichever room they see fit to give me. I will drag myself from bed every 3 hours to help feed him. I will pump enough milk to put most dairy cows to shame. I will ask questions. I will beg for chances to change diapers and watch baths. I will stalk my son, his nurses, his doctors and anyone else who may possibly have information on his progress and prognosis. My life Gavin and Elliott Richard, will be placed on hold. I will miss them. I will love them (no less or no more than Tiny). But I will be where I am needed most. And so the good of the two will stumble while I focus on the good of the one.

There is no doubt in my mind that Rob will at some point attempt to lure me home. Attempt to lure me back to normalcy. I can't fathom that. I can't fathom a sense of "normalcy" with one child fighting for life while the other two live. I can't make that work out in my head.

In the end of July, I will be summoned to court. To defend myself against charges that have no basis within the scope of the real world. I will be drug my newborn child. Ripped away from him. I will likely be his only source for food. And yet, I will go. I will go because in the end of July, just as those few days from now, I will fight for the good of the one. While the good of the two must suffer. I will be angry. I will be hormonal. It's likely that I will be blunt, which may or may not work to my favor. However, the fact will remain that for that day Gavin will be the good of the one. Elliott Richard and Tiny will be the good of the two placed on temp hold.

Until then, I am trying to find a way to survive. The contractions on a 10 on the lovely pain scale (that we all know I love so much) of 1-10. (1 being no pain at all and 10 being "a shark could be ripping my limbs off and I would not notice") I'm so tired that Ambien on an empty stomach still takes 3 hours to kick-in over the pain. I'm so frustrated with my body and it's sudden unwillingness to follow through. When I've been fighting it for 4 months to NOT follow through. I'm so frustrated that I struggle to see and feel the miracle that is every movement of Tiny within my belly. And this makes me feel horrible beyond words.

How many women would die to be me at this very moment? How many would love nothing more and yet will not be granted such a miracle? What right do I have to complain and be irritated with the miracle that is our unborn son, when I myself was told 3 years that he was a complete and total impossibility.

For all of these things, and many other things that simply were unable to penetrate my sleep-hazy mind, I will not be awarded "Mother of the Year". I am sorry to disappoint. I am a mother. I am a human. I am not Super Mom. At least, I'm honest about it. That counts for something, right?

Good night

1:04:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »
We're home. I have a throbbing migraine. I'm physically exhausted. My contractions are painful and my nurse told me not to second guess myself, that I know my body better than anyone. I've eaten some waffles. Took my meds for the migraine and ambien to sleep through the contractions. Now i just wait for it all to kick in.

So until later today, good night.


11:57:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
It's now 11:38pm. I'm beyond caring about grammar and spelling etc so ignore the typos.

Here's the run down:

BP: 112/72 (which is kinda high for me)
Tiny's Heartbeat: 131 bpm
Pulse: 101 bpm
Weight: 181 lb (from Dr. D's office)
Fundal height: 36 cm (from Dr. D's office)
Cx: 3 minutes apart
Dilated: 2 cm

Intern/resident guy just came back in and checked me again. I'm still only dilated to 2 cm, which means I'm not in "true labor" (bull****!) and they are sending me home.

I'm not sure, but I may kill someone. If I commit a crime while in labor (true or not) does that automatically qualify me as "temp insane"?

Thank God they started my ultra painful IV and humilated me 6 ways from Sunday just to send me home!



6:03:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 5 Comments »
35 weeks appears to be the limit. Contractions are 10 minutes apart. Have been that way all day. Some feel closer than 10 minutes to me. I feel like I'm leaking but at this point who knows. They will not help me along unless my water breaks. Something had better freaking happen because these are exhausting. I'm going in. If they send me home, fine. But I don't know that they will.

If you pray, do it now! We don't have a name. I'm shaking. I'm exhausted. I'm so not ready.


35 weeks

11:39:00 PM Posted In Edit This 3 Comments »
What Tiny's up to this week: Congratulations! You’re now carrying nearly 6 lbs of baby not counting their amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord, or the placenta itself. We’re impressed because that’s a LOT of work non-stop. Are you feeling proud of yourself yet? Well, get to it—you’ve done an amazing job! At this point, your little grower is almost busting out of the womb size-wise, which make their restricted attempts to move much more challenging. Of course, your stubborn little sucker is still trying to move around as if they weren’t in a cramped space. And the accumulationg baby fat deposits are starting to level off so your little butter ball will be padded and warm when they head out of their super snug little home.

So if I was carrying "nearly 6lbs of baby" last week what does that mean for this week?

It's the little things.......

10:47:00 PM Posted In Edit This 2 Comments »
Some of you may remember I gave up my prized xbox 360 Elite (which was my only outlet) in order to replace our video camera. It was really the only thing I had left I hadn't sold off. I hung on to it as long as I could but I decided I would rather have the ability to record and document our lives (which I love to do) then play video games.
Well I used my fathers day gift (Best Buy gift card) to get Call of Duty 4 for my PC (which is actually pretty high because of my video editing and computer repair work I do for people out of my home office).

I had mistakenly assumed that I could use my wireless 360 controller for this game (like you can with most new games). Turns out you can't and that really sucked. I have never been able to use a mouse and keyboard to play a game like this. I used to play my xbox Live friends in Call of Duty 4 for the 360 all the time after the kids went down at night.

After a day or 2 of really being mad at myself for not checking the controller info out before getting something I cannot return, I decided to try the mouse and keyboard because I LOVE this game. Not that anyone cares but I am actually getting pretty good at it now. Once I beat the single player game I may try online.

This is the only good news I have to post. It's stupid but it's all I got at this point. It's the little things.......

Just call me Sha'Nay'Nay

8:56:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Sha'Nay'Nay is my alter ego. She's the name I go by when I've had enough of my life and I want to be someone else for a while. That's the name I answer to when I can't stand the sound of Mom, Mommy, Mama, Lizze etc. Although no one calls me that anyway so I honestly don't know why I bother.

I've been trying to formulate a blog in my head all day. Nothing sounds good. Nothing does justice to life. And I don't want to sound like "Wendy Whiner" as my Daddy used to call me. Mostly, I just don't really know where to start.

My stomach is killing me. I can say with complete sincerity that I have rarely had pain like this in my life. And I've injured myself quite a bit between 8 years of gymnastics and being a typical hyperactive kid growing up. At least with all of my various injuries, the pain peaked and then began to subside at some point. There is no peak. There is no subsiding. It's just a plateau of intense pain at this point. My stomach/diaphragm muscle is so exhausted from the pain of it all that I can physically feel tremors in it.

You know, rarely in my life have I ever been speechless. I just love to talk. I usually have an opinion on just about everything. But now...I've got nothing. That's how overwhelmed and far gone I am at this point with everything. Rob met with Pattie tonight. He's told me what was discussed. I don't remember it. I'm sure he'll tell you what he can later.

I was a complete slacker today. I didn't make any cards. I didn't update Tiny's pregnancy journals and calendars. I played solitaire on my phone. Watched a lot of pointless television. Napped off and on. And now I'm going to take half of my night-time medications and then I'll take the other half later. Who knows, perhaps I'll have something insightful to babble about once they kick in. Seems to be how it works out every other night. *sigh*

Drama. Drama. Drama.

12:29:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 4 Comments »
My nightime medications are slowly starting to kick in, which means I'm becoming "chatty cathy". (lol) I debated between discussing the neighborhood drama of late and discussing what my current favorite shows are. I'm going with neighborhood drama for $200. (haha)

Let's see...where to start. We have an issue in our neighborhood with the teenie-bopper boys who like to imagine they tough guys. The one kid's mother seems to almost be afraid of her son. Her daughter seems to believe her younger brother is a "good kid who don't cause no trouble". Apparently she missed him getting hunted down by the cops for fire starting the other day. I'm sure the cops must have misunderstood him. (sarcasm)

Well, lately the teenie-boppers have acquired a basketball hoop (the details of the acquition are shady and hazy and still remain unclear) and begun playing basketball in the street. Now while this isn't necessarily an issue, it becomes an issue because Team Teenie-Bopper doesn't like to play by the same street rules we all followed growing up. *We* had fear of the massive vehicles plowing down the street. *We* respected the fact that they could (and just might) flatten us into asphault pancakes. Team Teenie-Bopper has decided that *we* should fear and respect *them* so long as they are playing basketball. The scene from "Wayne's World" of 'game on' and 'game off' for traffic, doesn't happen here. If we ask them not move with either civilized words or a beep of the horn, we are rewarded with a few colorful choice words or certain fingers being flashed our way. Then they continue to play. Leaving us with the choice to try and drive around them or wait for them to allow us through or just plowing through and ending up on the 6 o'clock news. And they know they we would never go for option 3.

We've called the cops. They made them move the hoop. Only to have it back in the street 20 minutes after the cops have left. We've tried to talk nicely to the older sister, which led to a verbal argument between the sister and my other neighbor (who is very cool). My neighbor called Teenie-Bopper's mom at work and told her that we (the neighborhood) are not going to put up with his behavior anymore. His mom said she's asked her kids to behave or the will get evicted but they don't feel there is anything wrong with their actions.

When did parents become so terrified of their own children? Granted, there are times when Rob and I are terrified of Gavin; however, this is a completely different situation. Gavin's anger and almost un-natural strength when he's enraged make him terrifying. We don't fear him lashing out in general. We fear him actually harming himself or one of us in a blind rage. She seems to fear TB because his behavior is so out of control and she knows she helped create that, that now she doesn't know how to undo it. So she fears him. (Did that make sense?)

It's sort of sad though. Because she lost control of her kids, they will likely lose their home. Only the kids are too self-centered and self-destrctive to care. It's just sad. But at the same time, we live here too and it's only right that we should be able to drive the streets without having to worry about running someone down.

I don't remember being told that being a grown up was going to be about making sure your neighbor's kids are raised properly as well as raising your own children. I don't recall any clause to that effect when I signed on to this parenting gig 9 years ago. *sigh*

I'm not looking for perfection here. I'm looking for responsibility. I'm looking for decent parenting skills. I'm looking for some humanity. Is any of that really so much to ask for? Or are my expectations simply set to high? I mean, I get the whole "boys will be boys" or "just leave them alone, they're kids" mentality. However, at the same time, the kids need to have a basic understanding of respect. Respect for others. Respect for self. It's one thing to ride your bike down the biggest hill in your neighborhood at 12noon. It's something entirely different to ride your bike down that same hill at midnight while screaming at the top of your lungs, ya know? Or like while treasure hunting...the *only way* to get to that "uncharted plot of island" was through three or four different neighbors yards. You could get there. You could even cross through those yards to do it but that didn't mean you had to trample Mrs. Smith's prize roses to get there, you know?

Simple respect. Respect for every little thing. For other people, whether you like them or not. Whether you agree with their lifestyles or beliefs.

I just can't help but wonder when things went from respect based living, to gimme-gimme-mine -mine-mine based living snd how do we get back to the way things usued to be.

Names, Names, Names......

11:01:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 10 Comments »
As my amazing wife posted earlier, we are at a loss trying to come up with a name. Lizze and I are overwhelmed. We are physically and emotionally exhausted from the past 7 years. So I am reaching out to you guys for some help...

We need ideas for a first and middle name. We are having a tough time putting thoughts together let alone come up with something this important.

So please post a comment to this blog with a name idea or ideas....

Thanks in advance for your time. Hopefully this should prove to be fun..



10:54:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I just wanted to take a minute and welcome those of you that are new here. Lizze and I were so excited to here from you guys today... Your kind words, thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.

We love to hear from all of you. Again, welcome. We hope to hear from you again.....

There is no way we could ever repay all the kindness you amazing people have shown us since we made this blog public. Please know we keep each and everyone of you in our thoughts and prayers. Thank You...

Bed Rest ~ Day 98

8:38:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Honestly, I don't know if today is day 98. I've lost track. Not that it matters much. The whole point is that I've been on strict bed rest now for over 3 months! And bed rest in general for just over 4 months. Insanity.

Tomorrow is my second to last appointment with Lisa. It's bitter sweet because while I will definitely miss her. I will not miss the injections. (lol)

I just can't believe that we are winding down to the end. It seems like just the other day I was "late" and shocked to find myself carrying another little miracle. (Never tell me I can't do something because that's a sure-fire way to guarantee it. lol)

Now of course Tiny is massive. His butt in planted in my ribs and causing pain pretty darn close to what I had with the DVT while pregnant with Elliott Richard. I would double over with the pain, except that bending at the "waist" (my waist disappeared a long time ago lol) makes the pain worse. So I just try and stretch out as much as possible to minimize the pain. It's actually making living and functioning quite unbearable at the moment.

We still don't have a name for Tiny. I've resigned myself to one of a few things taking place:

1) I will simply put "Tiny" on his birth certificate and be done with it. (Not likely but looking more appealling everyday.)
2) I will just let Rob fill out the paperwork and wash my hands of the whole thing. (Again, not likely but looking more appealling everyday.)
3) I will just open a baby name book and name him the first thing I place my finger on. (Girl or boy, I don't care at this point.)

Rob has been trying to discuss names lately and I honestly want nothing at all to do with it. The idea of discussing names physically turns my stomach. Gavin is convinced Tiny's name is Alex and when I explain that we don't know what his name is I get screamed at. *sigh* I honestly hate all names at this point. Rob asked me for my top picks the other day. I don't have any. I hate them all. None of them feels right. None of them sounds right. I'm just over-loaded on stupid baby names. I mean honestly, do I look like a chick that needs more pressure right now?! *pfth* Whatever. Forget it.

I was going to write more but the pain in my belly is getting worse. I keep expecting to look where it hurts and see a bruise there. I'm always surprised when it isn't there. I have cards to get done. A mess to clean up from making the cards that need finished. And I have to try and maintain some sanity through this pain. (Not likely.)

98 down ~ 37 to go

Weekend Recap

4:08:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Wow. I can't believe the weekend flew by so quickly. Not that weekends hold any "special" meaning apart from the rest of the week at this point. But anywho...

Let's see if I can remember what went on this weekend.

Friday - Gavin spent the night with Grandma W. Rob, Elliott Richard and I stayed in and hung out. Same song; different day.

Saturday - Rob, Elliott Richard and I hung out. I worked on cards. Rob fiddled with the desktop and straightened up around the house. Elliott Richard spent most of the day with Aunt Kate and Grandma G doing some running around and shopping. After Grandma W brought Gavin home the three of us packed up and headed over to Grandma and Grandpa G's to celebrate Father's Day. Everyone was there. And I was thrilled to learn that even though we were "fashionably late" we hadn't missed out on the cookout! (Yippee!) And I ate *way* too much food. (lol)

Grandpa G got a set of ceramic coasters that look like big golf balls. (Very cute.) He also got an Indian's jersey and tickets for him and Mom G to an Indian's game. Mom G got an Indian's t-shirt too! (Very cool!) They are both really excited to go.

Then Rob opened his card from everyone and found a gift certificate for Best Buy inside! :) (Thanks guys!) We left not long after the opening of gifts/cards and of course made a beeline for Best Buy. (lol) Rob picked out a game for the PC while the boys and I waited in the car. Which was *loads* of fun. (That's sarcasm, by the way.)

First, Elliott Richard was moving around in his carseat. He wasn't touching Gavin or even attempting to touch him. Yet Gavin decided he didn't like the fact that Elliott was moving in his general area so he began to scream at Elliott and then scream at me to "make him stop". I told Gavin I can't yell at Elliott for *moving*. Which of course set Gavin off further. *sigh* Then Elliott wanted Gavin's attention for something so he said his name. Which set Gavin off, again! That time Gavin began screaming at me, "Mom! Mom! He's saying my name! Tell him to stop! I don't want him saying my name!" Again I told Gavin that Elliott is free to say whatever he likes (barring cuss words etc) and I would not yell at Elliott for saying Gavin's name. Which set him off, again! At that point I just told Gavin to ignore Elliott because I refuse to yell at Elliott for taking up space or taking and there was nothing else that could be done.

I am honestly at a loss for what to do anymore. While Gavin has every right to feel the way he does. And while I understand that a large part of it is due to his "something more". I will *not* reprimand Elliott Richard for merely existing, taking up space, or talking etc. That's not to say that I won't reprimand Elliott if he actually misbehaving (ie right up in Gavin's face, screaming at him etc) because I will. The same will hold true for Tiny. I don't mean to sound cold or heartless but I will not constantly relocate Tiny and myself because Gavin is upset by his crying. I also will not reprimand Elliott Richard for being a little boy because it doesn't jive with Gavin's view of the world. I know he can't help it. I just don't know how we live wth him/along side him. With two small boys under the age of 3 and Gavin that's something that needs to be figured out. *sigh*

Sunday - Father's Day was pretty quiet around here. Grandma and Grandpa G took the boys to see Great Grandpa B and celebrate Father's Day with Grandma G's side of the family. They had a blast! And Rob and I were given one last little break before the sleep deprivation begins. :)

Overall, it was a pretty low-key weekend, which was nice. At least there wasn't anything too out of the ordinary or stressful going on.

Now I need to find a way to make something smoothered in cheese for dinner....yum....gooey cheese...

The People That You Meet

11:28:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
So I'm swiping a line from Mr. Rogers here. The people that you meet each day...this blog's for you. (Now I'm swiping from Bud Weiser. Lol)

Dear random neighbor,

While I appreciate your zest for life and love of family, it truly is un-necessary for you to stand in the middle of the road to discuss such personal matters as: baby-momma payments (otherwise known as child support), who the new baby-momma is (and whether it's considered 'cheating' if you are just booty-calls etc.). It definitely is not advisable to proclaim how strong you are and what a wonderful job you are doing in not "pulliing yo baby-momma out-tha-car for a beat down" just moments before you reach *into the open driver's side window* to smack your baby-momma. Not smart. Remember, avoiding angry neighbors and calls to the police is just like real estate. It's all about location, location, location.

Dear many not-so-random neighbors,

With the discovery of the automobile eventually came to invention of the horn. It's a fabulous liitle invention. Always available while driving to share your emotions when words just aren't enough. Or when words *are* enough but you really don't need them repeated (remember the situation in daycare that just got cleaned up from last month? Yeah, that's my point...)That's why we were given the horn. To replace the "eff you's" with "beep beep's". However, it is a gross misuse of "The Power of the Horn" to use it as a doorbell.

Yes, I realize that you are "busy" and very likely lost in your own head going over and over a list of everything that needs to done. But honestly, would it kill you to pull up (which you do anyhow), place the car in park (again, which you likely do anyway), and then rather than continuing with the current method (which includes leaning on your horn at all hours of the day and night until *someone* responds) you could deviate and be considerate of the rest of the block. Rather than honking us all into insanity or simply a blinding-sleep-deprived rage, you could get out and go up to the door and knock or ring the actual doorbell. Just as effective in the long run with only slightly more effort involved. Of course, if the sole purpose of using the horn is to save you from having to actually *move* (Gasp! The horrors!) then you aren't likely to knock on the door. So how about you pick up your cell phone and only disturb ONE household; as opposed to the whole block? Just a thought...

Dear dog-lovers in our neighborhood,

Just to clear a few things up that may have confused you:

No, I do not think your unleashed, unregistered, and likely very dangerous (beit by breeding or by training or both) Pit Bull is cute/sweet/well-trained (insert various adjectives here). Your dog terrifies me and I do not want to make friends with him/her. As such, you allowing said pooch to roam the neighborhood does not give me warm fuzzies. It gives me great pause and reason to call the dog warden in order to protect myself, my family and my neighbors. So save us all the time, hassels, and heart palipations and get a leash or leave Fluffy in the house.

Yes, dogs will bark. And yes, smaller dogs will usually bark more than most. (Gotta love that "Little Man Syndrome".) Admittedly, at first it did not bother me. Then I realized that it did not bother you either. Ever. I also later realized that your dogs spend nearly all day, everyday out in the fenced in yard. So rather than barking a few times a day, we now have it all day, everyday. Thank you for that. My life is now complete.

I think I'm done now. (lol)

PS This blog was meant as a tongue-in-cheek sort of vent. And odds are if you know about this blog and have read this one; it does NOT apply to YOU. :)

Do you know what I just *love*?

10:57:00 PM Posted In Edit This 1 Comment »
I just love when teeny-boppers call *my* cell phone and give me attitude and lip. Here's how the call went: (remember her voice was high-pitched and attitudey in that way only a teenage girl can pull off)

Me: Hello? (I didn't know the number.)
TB (Teeny-Bopper): Hi!
Me: Uh...hi?
TB: Hi! (can't you just picture her doing that head bobble thing?)
Me: Ummm...
TB: (catching on): Uh...who are YOU?
(remember she called ME!)
Me: Who are you looking for?
TB: Oh, for-get it! (click)

Yeah, so I just love getting those phone calls.

(That's sarcasm by the way.)

Bed Rest - Day 95 What a dream!

10:05:00 AM Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
So lately I've had to start taking an Ambien at night to sleep through the contractions (that accomplish nothing) and the back pain (which also accomplishes nothing). Ambien is a wonderful thing for a 34 week bed-rest bound pregnant woman. I still wake up if I have to pee or if Elliott Richard needs me. But I do not wake up for half-hearted contractions,, charlie-horses or stabbing siatic back pain. Unfortunately, I have developed a tendancy to have off-the-wall conversations with Rob (in person) and Nikky (via text messages). (lol) And the dreams I have towards the end, when it's wearing off, are...quite...interesting.

Take last night's dream for example, I dreamt that I woke up in bed next to Rob and I had slept through most of labor and pushing! I awoke to find Tiny's head already out and looking at me!! (Ack!) In my dream, I wasn't freaked out by the fact that his head was out and he was looking up at me. He had the cutest chubby cheeks and a head full of hair. (Gavin was born completely bald. Elliott Richard had some strawberry blonde peach fuzz that was either shaved off or pulled out during IV's etc in the NICU.) I just finished pushing and out he came.

It was kind of nice because everything was very calm and peaceful. No second guessing. No running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Just pushing and snuggling. Although I prefer for that "pushing and snuggling" to take place within the safety of my local L&D. (lol)

Rob said he had a dream about Tiny being born as well. Perhaps he'll share that later because I haven't heard the details of it yet.

We are supposed to go to Mom & Dad G's tonight to celebrate Father's Day. I think it will depend on how I'm feeling as to whether or not we go. For now, I'm off to work. (haha) The cards won't make themselves, that's for sure. ;)

95 down ~ 40 to go

Bed Rest ~ Day 94

3:40:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
So I've had like 4 or 5 different appointments this week. I can't believe I haven't updated on any of them.

Actually, I can believe I haven't updated on them. I haven't updated because my laptop died. It's official. It's dead and gone. So now I have to use the desktop. I don't like using the desktop. It's a perfectly lovely little desktop. And I'm sure Rob could tell you all about all the bells and whistles that it has, which make it a really cool (sweet, awesome - insert adjective here). But the fact of the matter is, I'm spoilt. I was used to writing my blog and surfing the net where ever I was at any given moment. I was used to not having to share. Now I have to share. And I may be crazy but I think this keyboard hates me. (I'm just throwing that out there.) So it's more difficult for me to post now.

Anyway, here's the run down of the appointments:

Tuesday June 10th - Lisa came bright and early at 8:00am. (For what it's worth, when I set up the standing weekly appointment at 8:00am every Tuesday I was already up. Now that school is out, not so much.) I can't find the stats for that appointment. So we'll just assume that all was well in the land of Tiny.

Wednesday June 11th - As Rob previously posted I was scheduled to have my BPP and NST at the hospital at 7:00pm, however, they called and asked me to come in at 3:00pm because the tech who was scheduled to perform my NST called in sick. This meant that the family members we had invited could not make it because they were all at work. It also meant that we had to run around like chickens with our heads chopped off in order to get everyone ready and where they needed to be. In the end, everyone got ready. Everyone got where they needed to be. Here are the stats:

The BPP Stats
Tiny's Heartrate: 127 bpm
Score: 8/8 (That's a great score, by the way.)
Tiny's Weight: 6lb 3oz (That's up from 4lb 11oz two weeks ago!)
Tiny Measured: 36 wks 2 days (Rather than the 34 weeks he actually is.)

After the BPP we went upstairs to L&D (my favorite place to be) for my NST. It went pretty smoothly. I had a few contractions but nothing major and was released after 30-45 minutes. Here are those stats:

The NST Stats
Tiny's Heartrate: 147 bpm
My Temp: 97.5
BP: 102/67
Pulse: 102

Thursday June 12th - We saw Dr. D at 11:00am. I asked him about feeling woozy lately. Told him about my extreme nausea. Was given a refill on my Phenergan. And had my blood sugar and iron levels checked. He also said that if I go into labor before 37 weeks, he won't try and stop it. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to make his grand entrance. He also gave me an end date for this all. He said that if I make it to 37 weeks, he will release me. So at 37 weeks I can stop taking the Procardia, no more Heparin injections and full release from bed rest. (Yippee!) So the end is in 3 weeks unless Tiny decides otherwise. Here are the stats from that appointment:

The Dr. D Stats
Weight: 183lb (I maintained my weight from earlier this week.)
BP: 106/70
Fundal Height: 35cm
Tiny's Heartrate: 150 bpm

I turned out to be slightly anemic so they started me on iron suppliments. I made the mistake of taking them a few hours ago and all they did was make my nausea worse. So now I'm hot and nausous and I can't get it to go away even with the Phenergan.

(PS I'll scan the ultrasound pics and post them later. Oh and the spinkle pictures and belly pictures too.)

94 down ~ 41 to go

Mostly, I pray...

12:05:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 2 Comments »
I'm so far past overwhelmed at this point that I can't even see "overwhelmed" anymore. My pregnancy is nearing the end and while that's amazing because we've made it this far; it also sucks. I want it to be over because I'm in so much pain and I can't seem to find any relief. But I don't want it to be over because I feel like I haven't had a decent chance to really enjoy this pregnancy. It feels as if every moment has been about everything and everyone else. And the few moments that weren't about everything and everyone else, were spent trying to figure out "should we call", "should we go in".

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I don't even really know which way is up anymore.

I go to bed every night and I pray. I pray that God will give me more patience. That tomorrow we won't have massive meltdowns every hour, how about every two hours? I pray that Gavin will not physically lash out at Elliott Richard because Elliott had the audacity to love him. I pray that Elliott Richard will finally realize that he cannot touch, cuddle, snuggle or even talk to Gavin. I pray that his sense of self-preservation will kick in and he will learn to avoid Gavin. I pray that the next day won't be as exhausting as the one before. I pray that God will help me to find a way, any way to make it work with three boys. I pray that we haven't dug ourselves in too deep. I pray to make it through one more day pregnant with Tiny. Then I pray that Tiny comes soon because I don't know how much longer we can keep going like this. I pray that God will show me the way and be obvious about it because I'm so tired that subtleties are lost on me right now. I pray that God will just tell me what Tiny's name is meant to be; because we are struggling to find one and that's just one more thing on the pile right now. I pray that Tiny will be "typical" because I don't know that we could handle another child "with something more" and Elliott Richard deserves to have a sibling he can relate to. I pray that if I am to have Tiny early, that it's also obvious. I need a gush of fluid or contractions every 3 minutes apart. Anything that screams "This is it!" and leaves no room for guessing.

Mostly, I pray for help. Over and over again. "God, please help me." I pray for it until I fall asleep.

Sometimes I wonder if God can hear me. Other times I know he must hear me because I scream it inside my head. I scream it so loudly that my head hurts. A piece of my heart breaks with every scream. Surely God can hear that. Surely he must know how absolutely terrified I am. How I'm terrified I will miss a subtle change in my pregnancy. A change that if caught would mean Tiny lives. But once missed, means he is lost to us forever. Surely he must know how I think of myself. How everyone proclaims to see this wonderful, giving mother and all I see is a failure. I failed to protect Gavin from the abuse. I failed to protect him after we left, which was my sole purpose in leaving - to protect Gavin. How I fail everyday to find a level on which to relate to Gavin. How I fail to accomplish everything that needs done. How I fail to be strong enough, smart enough, calm enough. Surely he can hear my cries begging him to make me more. Make me better. Make me stronger. Make me more. Surely God knows how much we need him. How quickly we are drowning. Sinking faster than the Titanic. Surely he hears us and knows. "God, please help me."

People send me forwards. Funny forwards. Religious forwards. Heart-breaking fowards. I get them all. I read them sometimes. The religious ones always give me a moment to pause and think. Grandma Gene sent me one weeks ago. It showed a man walking and he was hit by a tiny pebble. But to that man, that tiny pebble might as well have been a boulder. He stops and he turns around and screams. He screams because he's had enough. He screams because that pebble got through and while the pebble was tiny to God, it was huge to the man. He screams until he notices Jesus standing there. Shielding the man from all the other hundreds of pebbles and boulders and stones that are being thrown. Jesus looks down at the man and says, "Sorry, I must have missed one."

I get it. For every pebble, for every boudler, for every stone that we are hit with; God is shielding us from many, many more. I get the meaning of it. I don't feel it. But logically, I get it. I just wish I could feel it too. I wish the few that get through, didn't feel so big and life altering.

What kind of world are we living in?

9:56:00 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Rob has been updating about the goings-on in our household lately. However, there are a few things I want to say as well. (I wrote this but somehow I ended up signed in under Rob's user info. I would repost it to correct it but we'd lose the comments.)

What kind of world are we living in? That our legal system is so quick to trumpet "Family Re-unification", "Save the Family"; and therefore so quick to toss the best interests of the child to the side of the road. I'm all for family re-unification. If, and only if, it is in the best interest of the child. I'm sorry if a parent is an alcoholic, an addict, mentally ill or abusive, or they simply don't care enough to be involved. I feel for them. However, it is not our responsibility to follow these "adults" around and try and force them into roles they obviously have no interest in or are simply incapable of filling. It is not our responsibility to make sure they do the right thing. If they choose the substance, the illness or the actions above the child; they have made their choice. Why should we continue to give them second, third and fourth chances to make "the right choice"?

If I have $50 and I choose to spend it on myself rather than on my children. That is my choice. I have made it. Was it the right choice, not likely but that is something I (and unfortunately my children) will have to live with. No one is going to follow me around while I'm shopping with my $50 and ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure that's what you want?" Why should we follow these "parents" who have made their decisions around continually asking, "Are you sure that's what you should be doing?"

It sucks that the children pay the price for our follies. It sucks that they will remember someday that Mommy or Daddy made the wrong decision. It sucks that those children will likely harbor ill-will towards their "parents" for the decisions they have made. But that's life. We cannot possibly protect our children from everything because then they would experience nothing. That's not life.

Life is painful and bloody and ugly. Yet at the same time it's sweet and beautiful and joyful. When we attempt to protect them from everything, we deny them the opportunities to experience life in all it's beautiful, twisted glory.

While we can't protect them from everything; in today's legal system it seems nearly impossible to protect them from anything. Including the big bad wolf that is known and knocking down our door. Nevermind trying to protect them from the big bad wolf that lurks in the shadows and is yet unknown.

What use is it to be a child's sole custodian when your opinion in the "best interest" of your child, doesn't matter. Logically, we should be the one's who know our children best. And therefore are most equipped to say "Yes, little Johnny can handle this." or "No, that's way too much and would throw little Johnny into a tale-spin." Yet, when we attempt to do this. When we attempt to fulfill our roles as advocates for our children, the courts label it as "parental alienation" or "custodial interference". They chastise us and say, "Bad parents! How dare you!" and slap us on the wrist for speaking up.

All the while we have the "non-custodial parent" on the other side of the court room. Drunk and stoned half out of their minds and the court commends them for showing up at all. It doesn't matter that they are under-the-influence, after all, isn't it great that they showed up! "Yay for the non-custodial parent! You came to court to fight for your child drunk and stoned! Here! Have a gold star!"

How did we get here? How did we manage to jump from one extreme to the next? It used to be that men automatically received custody because they were the man of the house and society was a "good ole boys club". Then it was the mother automatically received custody because they were the mothers and it was cruel to take a child from its mother. Now it's supposed to be a fair game. It's supposed to be the child "wins" and the best parent for the job receives sole custody. But that's not quite right either. Now it's the parent with the most money, the best attorney or the smarmiest attorney (the attorney who is willing to win at all costs of self-respect and reputation), or the best connections wins.

Some people will deny this. You can tell these people by their indignation at the idea of a biased legal system. And God bless them for it. Those few people are the only ones keeping our entire legal system from sinking forever into this moral quagmire we have created for ourselves. They are the ones on the street corners protesting. They not only know what the Bill of Rights are; but they exercise those rights. Our country has found itself in an on-going popularity contest. With our citizens going with the "popular vote"; rarely going against the grain to stand up and say "I'm going to do what's right".

Unfortunately, until we can find our way out of this disaster we've created for ourselves...until we can truly become "one nation under God, indevisible, with liberty and justice for all" our children will continue to find themselves stuck in the middle. Bad parenting won't be a negative thing because what does it matter if you are a bad parent; if no one else cares. Children will be lost in the system. Hearts will be shattered and bruised and the "cure" will be getting even. Our children will continue to look in the wrong places for love. They will continue to turn to deaf ears for help. Parents and children will continue to place their faith (the only thing some of them have left) in a legal system that proclaims to protect them. Only to have their hopes dashed and their faith lost because the "good guys" rarely win. And the "bad guys" rarely see justice.

Wednesday update....

8:54:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Well today has been very busy. We were very excited today because we were having another ultrasound tonight at 7pm. Also my brother Jon his wife Teri and my sister Kate were coming to see the baby. We tried even when we were pregnant with Elliott to involve people in the pregnancy but no one was really interested or able to really be involved.... So we were really excited at the idea that they were going to come with us. This may be the last ultrasound for us EVER (no more kids)....

Then the phone rang and the hospital canceled the 7pm ultrasound and moved it to 3pm. We had to scatter to change plans with the baby sitter (my mom) and be there in about 30 minutes from the time of the call. Needless to say no one was able to make it to the new time... That really sucked...

Then on the way home I was going to hit our McDonald's that we always hit on our way home from the hospital and guess what, it wasn't there. Apparently it was torn down a few days ago.... ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Gavin has been, well, Gavin today. He held nothing back. He started the day by screaming at Elliott for touching him.... Poor Elliott is so confused because Gavin is rejecting his affection.... Hopefully as Elliott gets older he will understand and not take it personally.......

Lizze is miserable and getting worse as the end draws near. She is in tons of pain and cannot get comfortable at all. The weather has cooled down so that's a plus....

Lizze has been creating away on her cards. New ones will be posted soon. Be sure to check out her fathers day cards there are still a few left.

Over all today wasn't to bad.......

34 weeks

2:25:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 3 Comments »
What Tiny is up to this week: Your amazing baby is on the move! They’ve been riding fairly high in your stretched-out womb till now (while kindly compressing your poor internal organs), but now they’re planning on making the big move to your pelvis this week. If you haven’t noticed it already, you’ll be feeling the weight shift that signals that your baby is most likely out of breech position, with their head now resting on your pubic bone. In liver news: although not quite fully formed, your little miracle’s liver is now capable of processing a certain amount of waste. In general, most of your child’s prenatal physical development is pretty much up to snuff and ready for the outside world. Naturally, further weight gain is expected—so you’re still not at maximum capacity despite probably feeling like you definitely are maxed out.

Bumped once again....

4:20:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Well it appears that there was another "Mix Up" with the doctors today. We are supposed to see Gavin's therapist tonight but guess what, someone took our time slot again. This is happening all the time. Our last appointment was canceled at the last minute and we just got the call that this one was also canceled.

I would like to know how it is we are supposed to get help when we have no one left to help us. It will most likely be another month before we can get in again......

I am so close to giving up right now. Maybe we aren't meant to get through this because we have yet to catch a break. And that is the truth. We never catch a break. It's one nightmare after another.

We desperately need help with Gavin and we aren't getting it. Our parents help by taking Gavin and we are very grateful but that doesn't fix the problem. We need help living with Gavin. We need to know what to do with him. We are COMPLETELY LOST...and COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. I don't think anyone really gets that....

Gavin's therapist is also supposed to broker a mediation with Lizze's ex-mother in law in an attempt to get her to she how much damage she is doing and once again try to resolve this peacefully. We are running out of time to deal with this and I have no patience left.

We are using the very best of the best when if comes to Gavin's doctors but that also means they are in demand. We don't pay cause we have no money and Gavin's father won't provide health insurance for him. Gavin is on one of the Medicaid HMO's and some of his doctors will not take it. So I believe everything comes down to money. Those with it get what they need and those without get pushed to the back. Don't get me wrong his doctors are great and we are grateful that they have taken him on under these conditions but we still feel lost. I truly believe if we had the money this court stuff would have been done long ago but we don't so we keep getting dragged through eh mud over and over again. We have no idea what to do.

Today we cried.....

12:35:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »
We all know that Gavin is "Special". We know that he lives in his own world away from the rest of us. We just didn't realize how far away his world really is.

We have come to accept that Elliott and Gavin probably won't ever have a relationship in the way that most brothers have with each other.

Today Elliott had bumped his hand. I kissed it to make it better but that wasn't really what he needed. Elliott saw his big brother Gavin coming down the steps to get some more water. Elliott ran over to Gavin and was almost crying to him that he had a boo boo. He asked Gavin to kiss it and make it better. Gavin pushed him aside and walked right by. Elliott then ran after him begging him to kiss his boo boo. Elliott even said "please" which he rarely ever says but Gavin ignored him. Gavin started back up the steps like Elliott wasn't even there. By this time Elliott was desparatly pleading with him to kiss it and make it better. Gavin returned to his room without any thought to his little brother. Elliott sat down on the step and started to cry the way a 2 year old cries. Then he slowly walked over to us with his head hung and climbed into Mommy's lap and just snuggled. We both had tears streaming down our faces and we asked him if we could kiss it and make it better. Elliott just quietly wispered Gavin.

At that very moment we realized just how hard this is on Elliott. Gavin isn't to blame for this becasue it's not his fault but never the less it impacts all of us.....It impacts all of us in a very real way....

OMG is it Monday!!!

10:10:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
You know how they say everyone has their breaking point? I am no exception to this rule. I just can't tell if I have actually hit mine yet. I know that sounds weird but I have become so numb anymore I just can't tell. I know at this exact moment I don't think I can take anymore. I don't mean that to be dramatic but I think if anything else happens I will just break. Not in a violent way but mentally break down. I already have a hard time even putting coherent thoughts together. I don't remember anything anymore. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't feel restful and all I have anymore are nightmares.

Lizze is completely overwhelmed and in so much pain. Elliott is so stressed out he doesn't sleep more then a few hours or less at a time. I feel like he is being robbed of his childhood. We cannot play outside because A) I don't have any energy anymore and B) our neighborhood just keeps getting worse. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I know Lizze feels the same way. We don't want to go outside because or some of our neighbors and we don't want to be inside because Gavin is in there. I know that sounds terrible but he is so indescribably exhausting. I know its not his fault but it doesn't lessen the impact his behaviors have on the rest of us. I slao know I probably sound like a scratched record but it is what it is.

I know I can speak for Lizze when I say we don't want to give up on Gavin but I just don't think we can do this much longer. I know that we won't survive this long term. I know that.. No matter how much we keep pushing ourselves we just don't have much left.
It's like when you are working out with free weights. If you are doing some curls or even bench pressing you can only go for so long before you hit a fail point. No matter how bad you want to do that last rep you just physically can't. That's what it feels like.
I have to much to worry about right know to be able to cope at all. Here's my top worries at the moment:

1) The pregnancy. I could of easily lost Lizze the last time and we almost lost Elliott. That is my worst fear.

2) Keeping Lizze out of jail. I know I said they cannot get away with this but never say never. After all this is our live we are talking about. Anything that can happen will happen, regardless of the odds. If we can fend this one off what will they do next? Because apparently our lives are complicated enough already.

3) How do we ensure the health, happiness and safety of Elliott and Tiny and how long can we keep it up. We also have to take care of ourselves but when? How do I keep my family from falling apart.

4) How do we all live together. Things are only going to get worse for Gavin once the baby gets here. Worse for Gavin means worse for us. More meltdowns and more violence.

5) How do we do all of this without making Gavin feel different (I know we don't think he can perceive things like that but as his parents we assume he can) then the other kids. We don't want him to feel unloved or unwanted but he has to be treated differently then the other kids.

6) How will we survive financially? Because I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off. Retirement? What's that?

There it is. My current worries... All are very real. There are so many more but just listing these has made me sick to my stomach.

We need a miracle.. I am pretty sure that's what it is going to take to get through this alive....

That's my "completely overwhelmed, extremely stressed out and losing my mind" rant for today. I had to blow off a little steam...

Ok now the Lizze update. We had to go in to see Dr.D this afternoon because her contractions were getting really weird. They are 15 to 20 minutes apart but some were lasting 10 minutes. So we had to get checked out.. Same song different day. Nothing we can do but Tiny is doing great. We are almost 34 weeks so nothing will be stopped if she does officially start labor. So we are on edge because we really don't know what is going on but we know it's getting real close. I am sure Lizze will post more later.


Bed Rest ~ Day 90!!!!

9:45:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Wow. I've spent 90 days on strict bed rest. That's just unreal to me. Of course, I've broken out of jail a few times during those 90 days but still. It's been 90 days since preterm labor went from a concern and possibility to a reality. It's been 16 weeks since the ER docs said we were experiencing a "threatened abortion" (I still hate that term.) and if it happened it wouldn't be our fault. Tiny's a fighter, that's for sure. I just hope he has it in him to fight for another 4 weeks.

I've spent the weekend having crazy contractions. They were consistantly 15-20 minutes apart, which is nothing new. But some of them were lasting for 5-10 minutes a piece. I woke up this morning with cramps that were so bad I actually thought for a split second that I was getting ready to start my period. Then I remembered that I was pregnant and that wasn't going to happen. After debating all day, Rob finally called Dr. D's office. They had me come in at 4:10pm.

I had an NST and fFN test done. Dr. D said that while I was having some contractions things looked good. He said that if I go into labor at this point he isn't going to stop me. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to enter into the world. They gave me a shot of Demerol/Phenergan to help with the pain and nausea from everything. I must admit, it was nice to be relatively pain-free for a little while.

The Stats
Weight: 183 (I gained 4lb! Yay!)
Tiny's Heartrate: 147bpm
NST: passed (3 cx/20m)

For now we are just waiting. Again. I'll be sure to update if anything changes. I'm hoping to make it to 36 weeks but Rob thinks it will be sooner. Let's hope not.

Rob is now cleaning like a mad man. I think he's nesting enough for the both of us. (lol) We have a lot we need to get figured out PDQ. I need to get a duffle bag and pack it for me. Have bags packed and ready for the boys. Have arrangements made for who is taking which boy. There is so much to be done and I just don't have the energy to do any of it.

90 days down ~ 45 to go
13 weeks down ~ 5 to go


11:06:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I need to write up my own update. I know this. I keep trying. The fact of the matter is that I'm so exhausted, I'm lucky to function at all. My morning (all-day) sickness has returned and the phenergan isn't touching it. Although eventually it does knock me out for a few hours. So I guess I'm getting away from it that way. As soon as I can find 15 mins to myself in this mad-house, I swear I'll post an update. For now, know that we are surviving...for the moment.

Bed Rest ~ Day 89

11:05:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
A- Attached or single: Attached

B- Best Friend(s): Rob & My Mommy

C- Cake or Pie: Cake

D- Day of Choice: Monday

E- Essential Item (s): Pop, journals, art supplies, pens, cell phone, PC

F-Favorite type of music: Christian and Country

G- Gummy Bears or Worms: Sour Patch Kids

H- Hometown:
NE Ohio

I-Indulgence(s): pop, chocolate, art supplies, pens, journals

J- January or July:
July (for mine and Tiny's birthdays) January (for the weather - I hate the HEAT!)

K- Kids: 2.5

L- Last movie: August Rush (awesome flick!)

M- Marriage Date:
September 2003

N- Number of Siblings: 1 brother (2 - 1/2 sisters I don't have contact/relationships with)

O- Oranges or Apples: Both

P- Phobias or Fears: Small Spaces, needles, water, spiders

Q- Quote(s):
Bad luck is something we endure. Good luck is something we create. ~ Bobby Kennedy

R- Reason To Smile: My family

S- Season: Spring

T- Tag : Nikky (because it's so much fun to mess with her lol), Julie, Slade, Apple

U- Unknown Fact About Me:

V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: I eat meat. Does that mean I'm an oppressor of animals?

W-Worst Habit: Procrastination

X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Ultrasounds

Y- Your Favorite Food: Mexican

Z- Zodiac: Cancer

89 down ~ 46 to go

Thank You's

7:17:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Lizze and I wanted to take a minute and say thank you to Gavin's very "GIFTED", patient, kind and caring teachers (including staff). You know who you are... We would have been lost without you. Gavin has done so much better as your student then he ever has before. Thank you for your patients, understanding and compassion this past year. You are trully a credit to your perfession. We really hope we are woking with you again next year.There's a few containers of "box tops" in it for you... :) lol

Thanks Again for all your hard work. All of you have made a "HUGE" difference in our lives.....

Rob and Lizze

Happy Saturaday.....

2:04:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Today has been pretty uneventful thus far. My parents are taking the kids for a little while to go celebrate my Grandma G's birthday.... Happy Birthday Grandma...

We have only had 1 or 2 minor meltdowns today (Thank God). Mostly today is just not listening. It's not like he is ignoring us, or disobaying us. He is just lost in his own little world and so we are literally repeating ourselves a dozen times for everything.. It quite exhusting acctually. However, no violent tantrums so far... Great job Gavin!!!!!

Well we are going to try and rest while they are gone.

For the Record...

11:11:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It has been asked by Anonymous "why do you all have ptsd?" I have it as a "parting gift" from my ex-husband and our previous disaster of a marriage. Rob has it from all the horrors he witnessed while saving lives as a firefighter/paramedic. Gavin has it...well, he's a minor and my just take my word for it...he has it. His Autism actually puts him at an increased risk because he can't process the world around him, let alone tell; which makes him the "perfect victim". Elliott Richard doesn't have it. Thank God for small favors. (When I have more time, I may eloborate on my "parting gift". But seeing as how it's currently 11:07pm and I've been having wicked contractionns all day and Elliott has been super can wait. Most of you know it already anyway and no one likes repeats. lol)

Thank you for the question.. :)

Good Night........

Another day in paradise.....

9:03:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
The first day of summer vacation has been a disaster. It started at 7am with Gavin beating on our door because he thought his TV wasn't working (even though he hadn't even turned it on, cause if he had he would have seen it was working). Then he beat on the door an hour later because we were sleeping to long, I guess.

I lost track of the meltdowns today. It started first thing this morning and continued until about 7pm this evening. I think Gavin scared the teller at the bank today because out of nowhere he started screaming and screaming as loud as he could. Then he started to lash out at Elliott who was trying to kiss it and make it better. Gavin hasn't listened ALL DAY LONG. I am losing my mind. Elliott is not feeling good again and keeps waking up and screaming and we are having a hard time comforting him..

Lizze isn't doing good. Her contractions are raging right now. Some are lasting pretty long and are really painful... We are living in our bedroom because we have a window air conditioner in there (Gavin can't stand the air so he hangs in his room). We have to keep the windows on the first floor closed because the people in our neighborhood are not nice and have zero class. They curse and yell and do drugs right outside my house. We cannot allow the kids to play out side in our fenced in yard because our neighborhood is going down the drain.

I keep wondering what kind of life we are giving our kids. It breaks my heart to see my family falling apart and I don't know what to do about it... Our quality of life is nothing anymore... I want so much more for my wife and kids but no matter what I do nothing works or something else happens and drags us right back down.

Elliott is screaming I got to go. Hopefully tomorrow is better....

I will keep you posted on Lizze's condition...

Today so far.....

12:05:00 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Well last night Elliott went to bed a little before 7pm. That was really good because he was tired. But we soon learned that he was tired because he was getting sick. He was up all night long, waking up every 30 mins or so crying. He woke up with a fever of 100 F. Another night with no sleep is par for the coarse.

Gavin seems to have slept better last night but was up by 6am and watching cartoons. We got of to school with to many problems. This is the last day of school for the summer and we are both on edge because we know what that is going to mean.

Lizze and I have been trying to figure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be for the Elliott and the baby. We are waiting to find out if Gavins MRDD rep was able to get us funding to increase our home security system so it will monitor Gavins room at night. At this point we don't feel comfortable putting Elliott in his room unless we lock Gavin in his (which we are also uncomfortable with)room at night. That brings up safety concerns for Gavin and it will also encourage him to use is carpet as a toilet again (WE DON"T WANT HIM TO START THAT AGAIN)...

Today my goal is to try to get the kitchen caught up (it fell apart with all the plumbing problems) and laundry done.

Lizze is resting but is in a tremendous amount of pain still. She is distracting herself by working on some greeting card orders she has in right now (thank you for the orders).

Elliott is feeling a little better and is all over the place once again.

I am going to keep setting small goals and try to accomplish them.

The mail just got here and still no check. Our economic stimulus check was supposed to be here by May 30th and we still haven't seen it yet. It is starting to make me nervous (but I am constantly on edge so that doesn't take much) because our income tax return direct deposit got lost this year and was delayed because of that... I just hope it shows up eventually...

That's all for now... More later....

Bed Rest ~ Day 87

8:57:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I can't believe it's morning already. Last night seemed to go on....forever.

Elliott Richard is getting sick. He doesn't seem to have any symptoms other than a fever and a grumpy disposition at the moment. He didn't sleep for crap last night, which in turn means that we didn't sleep for crap either. We gave him some tylenol and he seems to slowly be making a come-back. Genetics seem to work in his favor here because Rob and I both tend to get sick and then recover pretty quick. (Rob just tends to get sicker since he doesn't get sick very often. Whereas I tend to get whatever it is to a lesser degree but I get it more often.)

I woke up feeling like I had a night of charlie horses in my right leg and uterus all night. I am so incredibly sore it's unreal to me right now. I don't know how I managed to sleep through a bunch of charlie horses but it feels as if I did. My stomach feels as if I was beaten on in my sleep. Rob keeps asking me if I need to call Dr. D's office because I'm in so much pain and discomfort at the moment. I don't think I'm in labor or anything. It's probably just normal pregnancy related torture. (Thank you, Tiny.)

Today is officially the last day of school. I honestly can't take the time to feel overwhelmed at the idea of Gavin home all day everyday.

87 down ~ 48 to go

my thoughts.....

8:41:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 8 Comments »
I started this post a few days ago and I really struggled with this. I don't know if this will make any sense but it has been swimming around in my head and I needed to get it out.....

First of all I wanted to express our many thanks to all you out there that come by and visit us here, or at our card store. I cannot begin to explain to you how good it feels to know there are still caring people out there. Most of you don't know us outside of this blog but still choose to leave kind words and encouragement. Your kindness is so very appreciated. We have been living through some very difficult times for the past 7 or 8 years now. It's comforting to know people care....We will forever be grateful for your thoughts and prayers..Please know we keep all of you in ours....

Secondly I would like to re-emphasize the purpose of this blog. As I said earlier we are living and have been living through some very difficult times. We have been defending ourselves and Gavin (our 8 year old with Autism/bipolar disorder/adhd/ptsd/ocd and sensory integration disorder) from his drug and alcohol addicted father and abusive grandmother. They have been waging war on us for almost 7 years now. Even with EVERY doctor,caseworker and teacher 150% behind us, we still cannot stop the barrage of contempt motions and the psychological warfare from continuing. These attempts never go anywhere but we still have to go to court to address them. Currently there are 2 motions pending to have Lizze put in jail for up to 60 days. Again they CANNOT win but we still have to drive 2 hrs to appear in court in another part of the state and pay our attorney a crap load of money we don't have just to make this go away only for it to happen again. Lizze has been on bed rest for many months now and the stress of all this stuff doesn't help. Our attorney along with her doctor told the court that if forced to appear in court now, it could very well kill her and or the baby. The court then had to force a continuance because her ex mother and law refused to postpone court till after the pregnancy despite knowing what could happened to Lizze or our unborn son. In the end Lizze was granted about 5 days recover from labor and delivery before she must appear in court and deal with this stuff. We are hoping this will be the very last time we are put through this and we intend to close any possible loop hole that may exist to ensure this cannot continue to happen in the future.


Gavin is a sweet, compassionate child with a huge heart and spirit. Gavin is also Autistic and Bipolar (just to name a few). He is struggling with every single aspect of life right now. He is severely regressed and best we can figure he is somewhere between 2 and 4 years of age emotionally. He cannot handle anything anymore. He is violent to himself and his little brother. We cannot allow them to play together because Gavin can snap in a second. Gavin is a good kid but is troubled. We have exhausted all our resources (physically, emotionally and financially)trying to protect him and ensure early intervention for his disorders. We are doing everything we can to ensure he has a good life and as bright a future as possible. Unfortunately, right now there is nothing more we can do for Gavin because he has so many problems we have to wait until he cycles down and we can pick them apart and see what is what. The most painful part is now our lives have been reduced to "ensuring the health of the healthy". The various Doctors we see have all told us that the only thing we can do at this point and for the foreseeable future is to "Physically Survive". We can no longer pour everything into Gavin because we have other kids to worry about now.

The best way to explain it is like this: Think of all of us as bank accounts. Gavin's account is always in the negative no matter how much we deposit. Elliott has a growing balance and retains anything we can give him. Lizze and I have over the years "spent" or "deposited" all our money into Gavin's account. No matter how much we deposit into Gavin's account it will never have a positive balance (at least at this point). Over the many years we have been doing this we have been beaten down so many times that we have lost all our money. What very little we have left has to be divided up between everyone. However, there isn't enough to go around. So with what little we have left, we have to figure out how to "spend" it. As I stated earlier we have been advised by the doctors to "invest" the money into Elliott and the baby because they will benefit from our efforts. This again is because no matter what we do we cannot fix Gavin. If we continued to pour money into Gavins account then Elliott and the baby would be negatively effected and we cannot allow that.

I know this sounds bad and unless your in our shoes it might not make any sense. I know some of you out there know what we are talking about. All we can do for Gavin at this time is Love him, care for him, keep him from hurting himself or others and keep trudging along. However we are to the point where residential treatment is once again being kicked around. Our family is crumbling under the years of trauma, stress and pressure. Our health is going down the drain. Pattie said she cannot believe we have made it this far for this long. She said we "HAD" to get immediate relief or we would completely fall apart and whats left of our family could be lost. She said it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when".
We had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our life. We sent Gavin to stay with Lizze's parents. My parents picked him up from school and her mom took him after work and then to school in the morning. They have been doing this for 6 or 8 weeks now. This has helped Lizze get through the past 6 or 8 weeks of the pregnancy. Gavin is in a kind loving environment and was shielded from all the stress from the pregnancy and the court things... It was the lesser of 2 evils.However, not a day goes by that we don't feel like complete failures as parents. We are reassured by his therapist Pattie that we have done "absolutely everything we can" and now we have to survive. We are and have been for a while at the point where we are having to choose between our kids. Gavin does not tolerate Elliott very often anymore. Elliott has been hit, pushed, screamed at and kicked across the floor for simply touching Gavin. Elliott is paying a very high and we owe it to him to continue to protect him from that. We have to ensure that Elliott has a safe and loving home and the only way we can do that with Gavin there is to keep them seperated. That is very difficult and not always possible. Elliott still has his toddler bed in the corner of our room because it's not safe for him to be in his own room unless we lock Gavin in his at night.
School is out for the summer this Thursday and Gavin will be back home full time again and I don't know what we are going to do.

If all this wasn't enough all of this has taken its toll on our health. Lizze has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (due to the extreme amount of long term stress and trauma), ptsd, depression and a few other things. Her body has basically turned on itself. I am suffering from a career ending back injury,ptsd,depression and degenerative disc through out my spine. Lizze and I both live in constant physical pain every single day. It makes things so much more difficult to deal with. However we push through it and do what we need to do for our family...

Wow I got off track...
Sorry about all that the flood gates opened....

SOOOOOOOO, back to the point...

This blog is our ONLY outlet. Over the past few months we have had the honor of meeting some really kind people on our blog. It has been very therapeutic to be able to use this as a forum to vent our frustrations with the major setbacks and share our miracle moments also.. We spent years keeping this all to ourselves and "sugar coating" everything because we knew its was to overwhelming for people to hear about. Since then we have come to the realization that it doesn't help us much to hide all this. So now we use this as a (most of the time) journal of our daily trials. I am sorry if anyone felt like we had different motives (ie looking for free stuff or money or anything else like that). I want to make it clear this blog is here for us to tell our story and that's it...
We have been overwhelmed by all of your thoughts and prayers, and honestly, sometimes that's all that gets us though the day. Through this blog we have found that there are indeed kind, selfless, compassionate people still left in the world and they seem to have migrated here. We are asked many times by people how they can help. Honestly, we aren't looking for anything. Your thoughts and prayers are more then we could ever have asked for or even imagined. But to honestly answer those who are asking to do more, you can feel free to visit our card store. Lizze has opened a greeting card store in an attempt to help us finacially make ends meet. So if you need a card just check her store out or pass the link along. This store is hopefully going to help us to continue to survive. Again, PLEASE don't feel you have to do anything. All we humbly ask for is your continued thoughts and prayers.

My head hurts and I need to make dinner. I hope this made sense. It sounded right in my head but that doesn't mean anything anymore...

Thank You for your support.
Please know that we keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers each day.

33 weeks

10:48:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
What Tiny is up to this week: For all the weight and bulk you’re lugging around these days, you’d think your little champ should weigh much more than a mere 5 lbs and measly 17 inches in height, but nope, that’s about the average size for a baby in its thirty-third week. In terms of appearances, they’re getting cuter and pudgier every minute as they pile on the baby fat for those adorable little wrist rolls and chubby toes. And as we’re sure you’ve already noticed they’re getting stronger with every passing day. Nowadays, it’s possible to observe a well-placed kick just by watching your belly—but you already knew that didn’t you? Although they’re getting stronger, your bigger-by-the-day baby is losing space to move around, so the actual rate of movement will drop off in the last few weeks, despite that powerful drop-kick they’ve been working on. Hey, did you know you’ll continue feeling their movements even during labor?

As you can see from the sidebar, Tiny has gone back to Tiny because we can't decide on a name. Again. *sigh*

Ah...true love...

Daisypath Anniversary tickers Daisypath Wedding tickers

***My Baby Boys***

Lilypie Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

You are *here* too!