My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

I'm only human.

2:55:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 3 Comments »
I am only human.

I bleed just like everyone else. I hurt. I get completely over-whelmed. I'm 2 days post-partum with everything that comes with that...raging hormones, pain, sore breasts, raging hormones, crying, sobbing...did I mention raging hormones?

I realized something today. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How I'm a "statistical anomaly". It dawned on me today that while people may say that out of one side of their mouths...they are dumping their issues on me out the other side. It feels like they really say it because it makes them feel better about dumping their issues on me. If they see me as this strong, wonderful, rock of a woman or even if they just *say* that's what they see...they don't feel the guilt. I get these lovely back-handed compliments and they get to unload.

Maybe it's my fault. I should just start unloading. I should bare the deepest pieces of my soul to stop them from dumping theirs on me?

No one knows how terrified I am. How when I move while holding Emmett I have flashes of him tumbling from my arms. How I laid in bed and shook after his birth because I couldn't bear the thought of him going to the NICU. No one knows how he has quirky preemie things he does that terrify me. So I have sat in bed for three days and held him and watched him. When I would put him in the bassinet and he would make funny/new baby noises, I sat bolt upright and watched his every move. I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep total since Wednesday night. I have had conversations that I'll never remember. I've been "on" for everyone. I've shouldered everything and just kept on going.

Lucky me.

3 Comments:

Samantha said...

Hello to the brand new family of five! Beans and I are going to be in Akron on Monday...I thought maybe we could pop in and meet Emmett. Then I read this blog and thought maybe you'd rather have some time to yourself. Let me know...and let me know if there's anything you need help with right now... (I could bring some food...I promise no ketchup or cheese!)

Raelyn said...

I hope you can get some sleep soon! I know how important that is and how hard it is too get when you have a newborn.

Barbie said...

You are dealing with postpartum depression...it's normal and usually doesn't last too long. Sometimes just knowing that what you are feeling is normal and won't last forever is enough to make you feel a little better. It's time for you to rest and concentrate on taking care of you and baby! You have to stand up for yourself and let everyone know that you need your life as calm as possible right now. That means setting boundaries: don't answer the phone, let people know when you don't feel up to company, or how they can help. Put do not disturb on the door if you must. Pump some milk and let Rob give the baby a bottle so you can sleep. That's my advice,
Love, Mom

Ah...true love...

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