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Lost

9:05:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »
***This is a vent. An unleashing of the flood gates. Maybe in releasing the floodgates I will finally *fully* go into labor.***

I appear to have lost my God. I've been praying, mentally calling, desperately seeking and the line appears to be dead. I think I've got a wrong number. Or he's got caller ID and is avoiding my calls.

I begged last week, "Please God, let's end this. Whatever it takes, let's get Tiny here and be done." At that point, my labor came to a screeching halt. Since then it's been stuck in a puttering car-dying while you are driving it kind of mode.

I'm having just enough contractions to physically, mentally and psychologically exhaust me. I've been walking around all weekend with that full-body tensed-up feeling that you get either just after running that 2K you really didn't prepare for or like Rob says "when you feel like you're going to puke but you never do". My mom says
, "maybe that feeling is impending labor".

I've eaten once in two or three days because the nausea is horrible - even with the phenergan. I've lost my mucous plug, which could either mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. I've had pink tinged mucous since then, which again could mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. (Sorry that's probably *way* too much info.)

I can't sleep, even *with* Ambien. I toss and turn, while I try and get away from the "feeling" (see 2 paragraphs up). I'm sure I kept Rob up all night.

I am a grumpy and generally horrible person to be around. Rob keeps begging me to go back to sleep. I don't even want to be in my own skin at this point.

I begged God four days ago, "Please!? Can't we end this?" I get that God doesn't always answer our prayers in the manner we would like. Really, I get it. But at the same time, I never really had him pegged as a sick and twisted kinda guy.

If Tiny isn't coming, FINE! But enough with the torture already.

I hereby wave the white flag in surrender.

3 Comments:

Katrina said...

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this pain as much as you are. I am praying for you! I know it may feel like God has abandoned you, but keep up hope!

Chris said...

Lizzie, don't loose faith in God. Chances are that if he's not letting you go into labor and have Tiny yet, then it's for the good of the baby and not some sick twisted joke against you. Have faith that everything is the way it's supposed to be and for the best and hang in there a little longer.

I can't possibly know what your poor body is going through, but I do know that when it is all said and done you will be a much stronger woman for it (if that is possible)

That being said, mucous plug and bloody show are EXCELLENT signs that things are progressing!

Big Hugs! Almost there!

Chris (from TTC Buddies)

Raelyn said...

Only God knows when it is the best of time for you and Tiny. He would never forget you. It is probably impossible to see the good in it now. But we know he does what is best for us.
Praying for you!

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