My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Where to begin

9:04:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 8 Comments »
Apparently everyone is worried about me having baby blues and/or post-partum depression. While I appreciate the concern, until yesterday I was doing really well. At least mentally and emotionally, physically I look like crap and still feel *really* sore. My body is currently declaring mutiny against me for having put it through that Hell again. (lol) My mom tells me this normal and in a few days I should begin to physically rebound. We'll see. ;) As for emotionally and mentally, I'll be fine. Really. Baby blues are perfectly normal and they don't qualify as post-partum depression until I've had them for 2-3 weeks. So let's just give me a chance to recover first before we start worrying about what might happen.

Yesterday was an...interesting if not completely hellish day. It started off innocently enough. Although I am quickly learning how difficult it is going to be taking care of the boys needs while caring for Emmett John and protecting him and Elliott Richard from Gavin.

Emmett John needed to be taken to the pediatrician's office for another heel stick. Rob was too exhausted to drive so we tried to find someone to take Emmett John and I. No luck. In the end Rob had to take him because it had to be done. He didn't like it. I didn't like it. But what other options did we have?

They left. I sobbed. Elliott Richard told me, "Don't worry. It'll be okay." Then I washed Emmett John's clothes, which we are flying through because we only have so many newborn sized outfits. (Even the newborn size is too big. But 0-3 months is insane.) I even managed to get Emmett John's binkies boiled. While that's not a lot at least it's something.

Shortly after I completed my two whole chores Gavin threw a fit of colossal proportions. It started with screaming that I thought meant he was severely injured. Nope. He was angry. I was now injured from running up the stairs two-at-a-time (apparently a no-no at 5 days post-partum). There was screaming, kicking, flailing, wall-bouncing. Fun was had by all.

Rob and Emmett John got home about half way through the fit. They found me sobbing in the "man cave". I took Emmett John. Rob went to try and get through to Gavin. He came down like a half-hour later. I was no longer sobbing but still crying. (I cried off and on for the rest of the day.) At that point Rob called and made arrangements for Grandma W to watch Gavin and Grandma G to watch Elliott Richard while Rob, Emmett John and I met with Pattie.

We met with her. I cried some more. I spilled my guts on all things Gavin. She said that she's never seen parents do more for a child. That we have jumped through every hoop and something should have worked by now. Nothing has. No one knows what we can or should do. Before we left, my mom called saying Gavin would spend the night and she would drop him off on the way to work in the morning.

After the appointment, Emmett John was *starving* so we stopped by Grandma and Grandpa G's so I could nurse. While we were there my mom called. She needed to bring Gavin home because he kept having massive meltdowns over not being allowed on the internet. They couldn't get him to stop. For the time being, we've lost our biggest source of help with him. I'm not angry or upset with my parents. They gave their all. Unfortunately, "their all" isn't enough from anyone for Gavin.

So that was my Tuesday.

I'm so stressed. I'm grateful for everything God has granted us lately. (Emmett John's complication free labor & delivery. His health and avoidance of the NICU. Etc) At the same time, there's so much more we need help with. I feel guilty asking God for more. As if to ask for more would be selfish and greedy.

8 Comments:

Nicole said...

I know that you are dealing with a lot - all the way around. I just want you to know that Pattie is right - you do everything you can for Gavin and even try to do more. No kid, no family regardless of circumstances could ask for more. If nothing else, know that I admire you for taking on all that you do. I am in total awe of your ability to continue to face everything you do, and find a way to make things work.

And you know that no matter what - to vent, to cry or if you just need a laugh, you know where and how to find me ;)

Katrina said...

I am still praying for your family! I am glad that Emmett John came problem free! But as for the issues with Gavin, and your sanity, I am praying!

Jen said...

Lizze,

I'm sorry you had an emotional day yesterday! I remember when I brought JJ home I had quite a few "emotional" days. I'm sure you will have some more but they will get fewer and farther between.

I hope you really listened to Pattie and know that you have done EVERYTHING for Gavin. I'm sorry that your parents aren't going to be able to help anymore. I know they were such a help to you.

I don't think you should ever feel guilty about asking God for things. He knows how grateful you are and He will provide you, Rob and your sweet boys with everything you need! You can always lean on Him!

Sorry such a long comment! I will be praying for you and your family.

I want to see some more pictures of that beautiful baby!

Barbie said...

Liz,
Please don't think that Dad and I can't help anymore...that was just one incident. I just felt that Gavin needed to go home and take his medicine and sleep in his own bed, etc. because he was having such an emotional day and I couldn't calm him. Usually, I am able to deal with him effectively. I am only human, I have times when I get overwhelmed too. But it's nothing a little break and some rest can't cure. Of course I want to help with Gavin and will continue to do so if you want me to. Love, Mom

Rob said...

Mom,

I just read this and think I should clarify what she meant. I believe what she meant was that even you are beginning to feel the overwheleming exhaustion that is Gavin anymore. We realize that this is our resonsiblility. When Gavin was doing better is was easier to let people helps us because we knew he was managible. More recently we are feeling like it is unfair of us to put this "burden" (and we love Gavin but burden is pretty accurate) on anyone else. I believe that is what she meant because we were discussing this last night. We will talk later and figure something out. Please know we are extremely grateful for all the help we get, it's just getting harder to accept because we know what we are asking of people when they take him for even a little while. I am going to post a blog about this to make sure you see it.

Thanks

Barbie said...

I talked to Liz and made it clear that I am not upset at all...just wanted to make sure that you understood I am still able to help with Gavin. I want to help with Gavin. I don't want you guys to feel guilty asking for help. I don't think anyone could handle this all by themselves. Usually I can handle his tantrums, but lately I think he has been reacting to all the stress and upheaval (no one's fault) that is going on around him. So I think that may be why he has been acting out more. Not sure what the answer is right now, but I am certainly willing to help as much as I can.
Love, Mom

Jacques said...

Hi Lizze

The idea of feeling depressed once your baby is born may seem unlikely, or even bizarre, but a dose of the baby blues or postnatal depression is perfectly normal. The period following birth is a time for learning and a time of stress in which you confront new roles, new relationships and a new daily routine. Feel free to read the article about baby blues and some tips on how to cope or survive during this period. baby blues

Julie said...

Hey Lizze - you're right - the baby blues are totally normal and expected, particularly in the first two weeks after the baby arrives - it's the hormonal flush going on. I cried at EVERYTHING nearly every day last week. This week, week 2, has been much better on that front. People need to understand that the crying and emotions are not due to depression or sadness, they're purely our body's response to the tremendous purging of pregnancy hormones which had months to build up but only days to purge.

Hang in there - you're doing a great job. :)

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