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Should have known I was alone

4:03:00 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 4 Comments »
I've been asking for your prayers pertaining to some issues that I had not elaborated on here. I am grateful for each and every prayer that is sent up on our behalf. I still cannot elaborate on what is going on for a multitude of reasons. However, I need to know something.

Where is God?

From where I'm sitting, he isn't listening. He isn't paying attention. He isn't helping. I'm a good Christian. I do my best each and every day be a good Christian. I follow God's laws. I follow man's laws. I strive to be a good person and raise my children to be good people. And yet, I am without help.

If I look down into the sand there are no foot prints at all. I'm frozen in place and there is no larger than life, unseen force helping me. I've been left there. Frozen. Terrified. Overwhelmed. And completely alone.

If my wavering faith, my questioning of God, makes me a bad Christian. I'm fine with that right now. I will declare it proudly!

MY NAME IS LIZZE AND I AM A BAD CHRISTIAN!!!

God isn't here. I'm looking. I'm listening. I'm talking. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. But as a mother I can only sit idly by and wait for so long. I've only just now, within the past hour, given up on God. I've only just now turned away. Until that moment an hour ago, I was waiting. I was listening so hard I could hear my own heartbeat. I was talking. I was begging on bended knee for help. And I've been ignored yet again.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't.

I do what I'm told. As a mother. A Christian (which I still refuse to be any longer). An American citizen. A basic human being. I am kind to others. I am kind to my children. I am a rule-follower. Never a rule-breaker, at least not the major ones. I go without so others don't have to. And still, I am ignored. My children are ignored. My family is ignored.

Well, I'm done being ignored. If I am meant to go this alone. If God isn't going to listen, talk, answer, help. That's fine. I'll go alone without the delusion that help is on the way. Because you know what, it's not. No white knight on a beautiful white horse is on his way to help us. I get it now. I wish I had understood it then. It would have been easier to live through knowing I was alone without help. I guess I should be grateful that I know it now.

4 Comments:

Tressa said...

Hi Lizze,

I just want you to know that whatever you are going through, I am here to help. We all question our faith at one time or another, and it doesn't make you a bad Christian or a bad person, just someone who is having a hard time seeing God right now. I have faith that help is out there for you, and I'll be happy to help you find it, because oftentimes God doesn't bring it to us... we have to find it ourselves. Email me anytime, and I hope that things get better soon.

Anonymous said...

Lizzie...I think we have all felt what you are feeling now. Being a mother is hard when your kids are perfect and great. When they are sick or have issues it makes it is an even harder job. My only advice is that God is there but that you sometimes don't recognize his hand at work until many years later. Does that suck? My life that I have now is nothing like I thought it would be. I don't have two of my children living with me. I lost one daughter the day after she was born. I hardly ever understand what God is trying to tell me. I hope that things get better for you. I think it may be time to investigate alternatives for Gavin as difficult as that may be.

susanb573

Julie said...

I'll keep praying for you, especially now that you can't or won't and that is most definitely understandable. I've had so many moments over the years where I've asked the same questions. And, like Susan said, have found God's handy work show up days, weeks, months, even years later. Doesn't make life easier at the time/moment that we're most in need but it does help to restore faith in what's good and right eventually. I hope you get the help you need - somehow - I wish I could help you find it. If there is anything I can do please email me - I can make calls, write letters, be there for you to vent to, let me know. Love, J.

Raelyn said...

It hurts me to read this. I am hoping you have found some peace by now. I am here if you need anything. I wish I could help more.

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