My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Eh, why not...

10:14:00 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm supposed to be working on labels and whatnot to try and make life easier within my household. I'm sick. I don't want to. So I'm stalling.

My laptop appears to be slowly dying. It's sad because I really like my little laptop. She's been good to me. But she's old and tired. Her CD/DVD Rom Drive just died. She doesn't even try anymore. *sniff* As long as the internet continues to work at least until Tiny is born, I'll be okay.

Help, we've fallen and we can't get up.

9:42:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 1 Comment »
***I've been working on this post for a week now. I've been torn between not posting it and posting it. So I've fiddled with it and saved it a dozen times but I think it best describes the past week and why we did what we did.***

I'm still feeling like crap. Life has been crazy, per usual.

As for what's going on, I haven't blogged about it yet because I'm not sure how to say it without sounding like a...I guess a horrible person and failure as a mother.

I've posted before about how difficult it can be to live with Gavin and his Autism/Asperger's and everything else that he has (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression - just to name a few). Currently our family is in a state of "survival mode" as Gavin's psychiatrist puts it. Even daily life is a struggle to survive right now.

I've never been sick so many times - back to back - like this in my life. Usually I either get a cold that last a day or two and then I'm better or I get the really bad stuff like pneumonia. Lately though, I can't get well. It's one thing after another after another. I'm stressed. Elliott Richard isn't sleeping, which means Rob and I aren't sleeping either. The whole house is just filled with stress. It's suffocating. In an attempt to bring our family out of this spiral we're in, Gavin has gone to spend some time with my parents.

On the one hand, I know that this had to happen. I know that we had to get a break and get some help. On the other hand, I feel like I'm failing as a mother because I should have both of my children home with me. I should be able to handle this. I should be able to juggle everything and still come out on top. But I just can't right now.

We cannot do this alone. We are trying. We are struggling. And one of my biggest fears is that we will fail. My parents help us, any time that we need it. A few other family members try and help when they can. As horrible as this sounds, it isn't enough. I will be forever greatful for the help my parents offer us. I will be forever greatful for the help others other us when they can. However, it truly isn't enough. My parents can't help us as much as we need. We are trying to get respite care set up to get us as much help as possible but that requires two things we don't have enough of: money and time.

I've been searching the internet looking for contacts that can be made that will help. So far I've come across "Help Me Grow", I've never used this agency before because I really didn't understand who they were or what they did. I feel lucky that I've stumbled upon them when I did, hopefully they will be able to help us. Gavin's (MRDD) SSA, Andrea, is looking into funding but it will take a while to get it pushed through and approved. She is also going to help us with respite care, which will be tricky because respite care workers are prone to high turn-over rates and we can't have one person only to have start all over when that person up and quits. I'm doing everything within my power to pull a rabbit out of my hat and make this family work. But it still feels as if I'm not doing enough.

Help, we've fallen and we can't get up.


7:22:00 AM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
That's how I feel. I took a 2.5 hour nap yesterday and still went to bed at 10:00pm. And now I've got an ear ache and a sore throat. Blech.

I've been trying to make a list of the things I'd like to have accomplished before Tiny is born and/or I end up on bed rest. It feels like every time I write something down, I think of 5 more things to add. *sigh*

So far my list of Must Do items includes: get Elliott Richard's room gutted, get Elliott Richard sleeping in his room, rewash all the baby stuff in baby safe soap, have all of the out-grown baby clothes packed up and stored in the attic, find a way to make life as easy and smooth as possible for everyone, go on a tour of the hospital's new maternity/labor and delivery ward, have all of our contacts and case workers set up and established

And my list of Try to Do items includes: finish updating Gavin and Elliott Richard's baby books, finish the cross stitch birth announcement for Tiny, gut the attic and sell everything that is just taking up space, keep up with my pregnancy calendars and journal, find a baby book and baby journal for Tiny

That's all I can remember off the top of my head right now but those lists are still pretty long. I've already set up our tour of the hospital. I went for the earliest date I could get in case I do end up on bed rest, I want to have already seen the hosptial. Especially if I end up in the hospital, it would be nice to know where we are going. lol

I can't believe that Elliott Richard is going to be 2 years old in less than 2 weeks! It's crazy how quickly the time flies. He's still cutting his last tooth, which is being incredibly stubborn at this point. I'm not sure what we will be doing for his birthday though. It can't be anything that will get Gavin's back up and honestly, everything seems to get his back up lately. It's been suggested that we do nothing but that just seems wrong and unfair.

Today is Gavin's first day home in a week. Last Monday I called my Mom sobbing because after all the days off of school, coupled with snow days and weekends our house had been non-stop. I was sick, again, and not getting any better. And we were all on edge and getting on each other's nerves, so I asked her if she would take Gavin for a while. She took him Monday night after work and he came home last night after going grocery shopping with Grammy. Granted he came home for a few hours every day after school but for the most part he was with my parents. The break certainly helped but it feels like we barely just scratched the surface. Rob and I spent the whole week basically sleeping and trying to recoup, so we accomplished nothing. *sigh*

I keep trying to come up with ways to...peacefully co-exist, for lack of a better way to put it. But I keep falling short. I can't help but feel that if I were just a little more organized and on top of things that everything would be better. I try, Lord knows I do but it goes against everything I am. I don't know how to be organized. I can figure it out enough to set it up but when it comes time to implement it I just can't seem to get my brain around it and make sense of it. There's got to be a way though. I just haven't found it yet. At least, I hope there's a way and I just haven't found it yet. *sigh*

Ah...true love...

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