My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Bed Rest ~ Day 94

3:40:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
So I've had like 4 or 5 different appointments this week. I can't believe I haven't updated on any of them.

Actually, I can believe I haven't updated on them. I haven't updated because my laptop died. It's official. It's dead and gone. So now I have to use the desktop. I don't like using the desktop. It's a perfectly lovely little desktop. And I'm sure Rob could tell you all about all the bells and whistles that it has, which make it a really cool (sweet, awesome - insert adjective here). But the fact of the matter is, I'm spoilt. I was used to writing my blog and surfing the net where ever I was at any given moment. I was used to not having to share. Now I have to share. And I may be crazy but I think this keyboard hates me. (I'm just throwing that out there.) So it's more difficult for me to post now.

Anyway, here's the run down of the appointments:

Tuesday June 10th - Lisa came bright and early at 8:00am. (For what it's worth, when I set up the standing weekly appointment at 8:00am every Tuesday I was already up. Now that school is out, not so much.) I can't find the stats for that appointment. So we'll just assume that all was well in the land of Tiny.

Wednesday June 11th - As Rob previously posted I was scheduled to have my BPP and NST at the hospital at 7:00pm, however, they called and asked me to come in at 3:00pm because the tech who was scheduled to perform my NST called in sick. This meant that the family members we had invited could not make it because they were all at work. It also meant that we had to run around like chickens with our heads chopped off in order to get everyone ready and where they needed to be. In the end, everyone got ready. Everyone got where they needed to be. Here are the stats:

The BPP Stats
Tiny's Heartrate: 127 bpm
Score: 8/8 (That's a great score, by the way.)
Tiny's Weight: 6lb 3oz (That's up from 4lb 11oz two weeks ago!)
Tiny Measured: 36 wks 2 days (Rather than the 34 weeks he actually is.)

After the BPP we went upstairs to L&D (my favorite place to be) for my NST. It went pretty smoothly. I had a few contractions but nothing major and was released after 30-45 minutes. Here are those stats:

The NST Stats
Tiny's Heartrate: 147 bpm
My Temp: 97.5
BP: 102/67
Pulse: 102

Thursday June 12th - We saw Dr. D at 11:00am. I asked him about feeling woozy lately. Told him about my extreme nausea. Was given a refill on my Phenergan. And had my blood sugar and iron levels checked. He also said that if I go into labor before 37 weeks, he won't try and stop it. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to make his grand entrance. He also gave me an end date for this all. He said that if I make it to 37 weeks, he will release me. So at 37 weeks I can stop taking the Procardia, no more Heparin injections and full release from bed rest. (Yippee!) So the end is in 3 weeks unless Tiny decides otherwise. Here are the stats from that appointment:

The Dr. D Stats
Weight: 183lb (I maintained my weight from earlier this week.)
BP: 106/70
Fundal Height: 35cm
Tiny's Heartrate: 150 bpm

I turned out to be slightly anemic so they started me on iron suppliments. I made the mistake of taking them a few hours ago and all they did was make my nausea worse. So now I'm hot and nausous and I can't get it to go away even with the Phenergan.

(PS I'll scan the ultrasound pics and post them later. Oh and the spinkle pictures and belly pictures too.)

94 down ~ 41 to go

Mostly, I pray...

12:05:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 2 Comments »
I'm so far past overwhelmed at this point that I can't even see "overwhelmed" anymore. My pregnancy is nearing the end and while that's amazing because we've made it this far; it also sucks. I want it to be over because I'm in so much pain and I can't seem to find any relief. But I don't want it to be over because I feel like I haven't had a decent chance to really enjoy this pregnancy. It feels as if every moment has been about everything and everyone else. And the few moments that weren't about everything and everyone else, were spent trying to figure out "should we call", "should we go in".

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I don't even really know which way is up anymore.

I go to bed every night and I pray. I pray that God will give me more patience. That tomorrow we won't have massive meltdowns every hour, how about every two hours? I pray that Gavin will not physically lash out at Elliott Richard because Elliott had the audacity to love him. I pray that Elliott Richard will finally realize that he cannot touch, cuddle, snuggle or even talk to Gavin. I pray that his sense of self-preservation will kick in and he will learn to avoid Gavin. I pray that the next day won't be as exhausting as the one before. I pray that God will help me to find a way, any way to make it work with three boys. I pray that we haven't dug ourselves in too deep. I pray to make it through one more day pregnant with Tiny. Then I pray that Tiny comes soon because I don't know how much longer we can keep going like this. I pray that God will show me the way and be obvious about it because I'm so tired that subtleties are lost on me right now. I pray that God will just tell me what Tiny's name is meant to be; because we are struggling to find one and that's just one more thing on the pile right now. I pray that Tiny will be "typical" because I don't know that we could handle another child "with something more" and Elliott Richard deserves to have a sibling he can relate to. I pray that if I am to have Tiny early, that it's also obvious. I need a gush of fluid or contractions every 3 minutes apart. Anything that screams "This is it!" and leaves no room for guessing.

Mostly, I pray for help. Over and over again. "God, please help me." I pray for it until I fall asleep.

Sometimes I wonder if God can hear me. Other times I know he must hear me because I scream it inside my head. I scream it so loudly that my head hurts. A piece of my heart breaks with every scream. Surely God can hear that. Surely he must know how absolutely terrified I am. How I'm terrified I will miss a subtle change in my pregnancy. A change that if caught would mean Tiny lives. But once missed, means he is lost to us forever. Surely he must know how I think of myself. How everyone proclaims to see this wonderful, giving mother and all I see is a failure. I failed to protect Gavin from the abuse. I failed to protect him after we left, which was my sole purpose in leaving - to protect Gavin. How I fail everyday to find a level on which to relate to Gavin. How I fail to accomplish everything that needs done. How I fail to be strong enough, smart enough, calm enough. Surely he can hear my cries begging him to make me more. Make me better. Make me stronger. Make me more. Surely God knows how much we need him. How quickly we are drowning. Sinking faster than the Titanic. Surely he hears us and knows. "God, please help me."

People send me forwards. Funny forwards. Religious forwards. Heart-breaking fowards. I get them all. I read them sometimes. The religious ones always give me a moment to pause and think. Grandma Gene sent me one weeks ago. It showed a man walking and he was hit by a tiny pebble. But to that man, that tiny pebble might as well have been a boulder. He stops and he turns around and screams. He screams because he's had enough. He screams because that pebble got through and while the pebble was tiny to God, it was huge to the man. He screams until he notices Jesus standing there. Shielding the man from all the other hundreds of pebbles and boulders and stones that are being thrown. Jesus looks down at the man and says, "Sorry, I must have missed one."

I get it. For every pebble, for every boudler, for every stone that we are hit with; God is shielding us from many, many more. I get the meaning of it. I don't feel it. But logically, I get it. I just wish I could feel it too. I wish the few that get through, didn't feel so big and life altering.

What kind of world are we living in?

9:56:00 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Rob has been updating about the goings-on in our household lately. However, there are a few things I want to say as well. (I wrote this but somehow I ended up signed in under Rob's user info. I would repost it to correct it but we'd lose the comments.)

What kind of world are we living in? That our legal system is so quick to trumpet "Family Re-unification", "Save the Family"; and therefore so quick to toss the best interests of the child to the side of the road. I'm all for family re-unification. If, and only if, it is in the best interest of the child. I'm sorry if a parent is an alcoholic, an addict, mentally ill or abusive, or they simply don't care enough to be involved. I feel for them. However, it is not our responsibility to follow these "adults" around and try and force them into roles they obviously have no interest in or are simply incapable of filling. It is not our responsibility to make sure they do the right thing. If they choose the substance, the illness or the actions above the child; they have made their choice. Why should we continue to give them second, third and fourth chances to make "the right choice"?

If I have $50 and I choose to spend it on myself rather than on my children. That is my choice. I have made it. Was it the right choice, not likely but that is something I (and unfortunately my children) will have to live with. No one is going to follow me around while I'm shopping with my $50 and ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure that's what you want?" Why should we follow these "parents" who have made their decisions around continually asking, "Are you sure that's what you should be doing?"

It sucks that the children pay the price for our follies. It sucks that they will remember someday that Mommy or Daddy made the wrong decision. It sucks that those children will likely harbor ill-will towards their "parents" for the decisions they have made. But that's life. We cannot possibly protect our children from everything because then they would experience nothing. That's not life.

Life is painful and bloody and ugly. Yet at the same time it's sweet and beautiful and joyful. When we attempt to protect them from everything, we deny them the opportunities to experience life in all it's beautiful, twisted glory.

While we can't protect them from everything; in today's legal system it seems nearly impossible to protect them from anything. Including the big bad wolf that is known and knocking down our door. Nevermind trying to protect them from the big bad wolf that lurks in the shadows and is yet unknown.

What use is it to be a child's sole custodian when your opinion in the "best interest" of your child, doesn't matter. Logically, we should be the one's who know our children best. And therefore are most equipped to say "Yes, little Johnny can handle this." or "No, that's way too much and would throw little Johnny into a tale-spin." Yet, when we attempt to do this. When we attempt to fulfill our roles as advocates for our children, the courts label it as "parental alienation" or "custodial interference". They chastise us and say, "Bad parents! How dare you!" and slap us on the wrist for speaking up.

All the while we have the "non-custodial parent" on the other side of the court room. Drunk and stoned half out of their minds and the court commends them for showing up at all. It doesn't matter that they are under-the-influence, after all, isn't it great that they showed up! "Yay for the non-custodial parent! You came to court to fight for your child drunk and stoned! Here! Have a gold star!"

How did we get here? How did we manage to jump from one extreme to the next? It used to be that men automatically received custody because they were the man of the house and society was a "good ole boys club". Then it was the mother automatically received custody because they were the mothers and it was cruel to take a child from its mother. Now it's supposed to be a fair game. It's supposed to be the child "wins" and the best parent for the job receives sole custody. But that's not quite right either. Now it's the parent with the most money, the best attorney or the smarmiest attorney (the attorney who is willing to win at all costs of self-respect and reputation), or the best connections wins.

Some people will deny this. You can tell these people by their indignation at the idea of a biased legal system. And God bless them for it. Those few people are the only ones keeping our entire legal system from sinking forever into this moral quagmire we have created for ourselves. They are the ones on the street corners protesting. They not only know what the Bill of Rights are; but they exercise those rights. Our country has found itself in an on-going popularity contest. With our citizens going with the "popular vote"; rarely going against the grain to stand up and say "I'm going to do what's right".

Unfortunately, until we can find our way out of this disaster we've created for ourselves...until we can truly become "one nation under God, indevisible, with liberty and justice for all" our children will continue to find themselves stuck in the middle. Bad parenting won't be a negative thing because what does it matter if you are a bad parent; if no one else cares. Children will be lost in the system. Hearts will be shattered and bruised and the "cure" will be getting even. Our children will continue to look in the wrong places for love. They will continue to turn to deaf ears for help. Parents and children will continue to place their faith (the only thing some of them have left) in a legal system that proclaims to protect them. Only to have their hopes dashed and their faith lost because the "good guys" rarely win. And the "bad guys" rarely see justice.

Ah...true love...

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