My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

My response...

8:54:00 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Honey,

Look, I know things are bad.
The irony is I feel the exact same way. If I hadn't blown out my back I would have been hired full time at the fire department and that would have afforded us better insurance and financial stability and more money means we can deal with these things better.
I know most or all of our troubles are Gavin related (and I am having one of those moments right now because he wants his Lego's back) and out of our control but I feel like I should be able to do more.
Please don't apologize for things you aren't responsible for.. Gavin is the way he is, we KNOW that isn't your fault and it certainly isn't his fault. (He just came down again asking for his Lego's and it's only been about 3 minutes since the last time)
We will figure this out some how. I don't know what we will do or how we will survive but as long as we stay together and keep talking we will make it. I honestly don't think this "tunnel" has an end but we can try to make the best of it. If not for ourselves then for Elliott and Emmett.

I want you to know that you have already given me the world twice and below is the proof.

But please keep talking to me. I know it's not easy but really does make a difference and you are better at it then you think.
Now when get up may try to take a short nap :)

I love you honey. Thanks to telling me how you feel....

Hormones with a side of Cool Whip

4:25:00 AM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
Well, here we are. Day 11 post partum. Just when I think my hormones are starting to even out, they take another hairpin turn. I'm thrown into another crying jag over a crazy look from Emmett. Or the most recent episode of "Army Wives".

Last night (Saturday night) was my first truly sleepless night. I mean those first few hours were sleepless but that's because I was riding an adrenaline rush. Emmett woke up at 3:00am hungry and fussy. I nursed him but he was still pretty fussy so we went downstairs. By the time he fell asleep, I couldn't. Then when I could, he was making funny noises that terrify me. So I gave up.

Tonight has been...you guessed it...anther sleepless night. Elliott Richard woke up at like 1:30am and no matter how exhausted he was refused/fought sleep. Finally at around 4am Rob took him downstairs so Emmett John and I could sleep. Yeah. I look like I'm sleeping, huh?

Bright side? Emmett John is sleeping at this very moment.

Not so bright side? He and I are co-sleeping. Something Dr. H is dead set against. Something Rob was okay with until Dr. H stated that it's taking a risk and made his case against it.

Problem? Emmett hates the bassinet. (I know. I know. Why would he want to sleep there when he could sleep next to me.) and I need to sleep. Plus, with me, Rob, Elliott Richard, *and* Emmett John all in the same bed room...well, it's far more difficult. If it were just the three of us with Elliott Richard in his room, we could let Emmett fuss a bit. But that wakes up Elliott Richard and we end up with disasters like tonight.

Oy.

Oh and just to clarify my last post to Rob. Nothing has happened. We are as good as can be expected. I just wanted him to know how I feel and I suck at saying it out loud. So I write it.

To my darling husband

3:55:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 1 Comment »
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything. Everything that I brought into this. Everything that I've done to make matters worse. Just...everything.

I'm sorry that I can't be more. I'm sorry that I can't find a way out of this. I'm sorry we're stuck. I'm so sorry.

I wish I had the words to say. The answer. The magic key or golden ticket to make it all better. I don't.

I'm sorry.

You deserve so much more than this. More than this drama. More than the stress and heartache. You deserve the world. I only wish I had it to give to you.

I love you. And I'm sorry.

Just a quicky.....

12:16:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
We have been really struggling and Emmett has only been home a week. Gavin is exhausting and Elliott Richard has hit the terrible 2's. We have our hands full and haven't had time to update. I am so stressed out that I don't feel much of anything anymore. I have developed nervous ticks and they are driving me crazy....Lizze and I have been trying to figure out how we are going to survive but can't seem to find the time to talk much about it. Part of me thinks we are really just avoioding the subject because neither one of us likes the topic..... But I am going to try to sleep. We will try to post more ofter because it is an outlet for us...

Good Night

We have picture and I will try to post them in the morning....

Ah...true love...

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