My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Update on Life

9:15:00 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Emmett John and I have been home for 2 weeks today.

I can't believe it. I'm still pretty sore if I don't take it easy. Or if I try and do too much. Apparently I'm going to have to relearn my limits or discover my new limits.

My hormones are still sorting themselves out. It's nowhere near the worst it's been since Emmett's birth. I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal. Mainly I've been tearing up at appropriate times and triggers. Sad parts in television shows. Sad songs on the radio. Stuff like that. And at least I'm no longer bursting into tears. Only tearing up.

Emmett John is turning out to be quite the laid back little baby. He was awake at 4:00am today. It didn't occur to me until later in the day that he's been working so hard to build up and increase my milk supply and last night it wasn't coming in fast enough for him. We've had this same problem all day today. He wants more but it just doesn't happen that quickly. Other than that, he's content to snuggle with me or relax in his swing or bouncy seat. He's awake more during the day now. And I just love watching him check out the world around him. He's just fascinated with Elliott Richard, which Elliott Richard *loves*.

Elliott Richard has been having a pretty good week. He's definitely entering the "terrible two's". He wants to pick everything out himself. Do it himself. As polite as he is, he still demanding while using his manners. It's a good thing he's so darn cute. ;) lol Other than the terrible two's, Elliott Richard is *all about Emmett*. When I change Emmett's diaper, Elliott is right there helping. When I nurse Emmett, Elliott is right there asking if the baby is hungry for nummies. He's quite the little helper when he's not trying to help by burying me in diapers, clothes, or blankets. lol

Gavin...well, he's Gavin. He's been claiming lately that he "doesn't hear" us, however, it's becoming more apparent that he's lying and not having a difficult time hearing us. I can say this because he hears us when it benefits him. When we call him for meals. When we tell him that we are going somewhere fun or doing something he wants to do. He only "doesn't hear" us when we ask him to do something (pick up your toys, bring down your dirty clothes etc).

It's also been asked where the pictures of the three boys together are. Long story short, they don't exist. Gavin is too volatile and unpredictable at the moment to have that kind of contact with Emmett. Never mind the fact that he is completely uninterested in Emmett. He doesn't ask about him. He doesn't look at him. He doesn't even react when Emmett cries. It's as if in Gavin's world, Emmett does not exist. For us to get pictures of that nature we would have to force Gavin to do something he is not comfortable with, which is just asking for trouble.

Overall, I'm starting to feel like I'm finding my footing as a stay-at-home mom again. I figure right about the time I have the home life down to a science again; I'll get to try and work in my duties as a President of the PTA at Gavin's school. lol It never stops does it?

Family update

4:51:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Well Gavin is at Grandma W's and I thought I would take a few moments to do a quick family update.

Emmett is doing great. I'll leave it at that because Lizze will post more later. Elliott has really taken to Emmett and is VERY good with him. Elliott loves to hold Emmett (as seen in the pictures Lizze posted earlier)and showers him with kisses and "nice touches"(Elliott is supervised of course).

Gavin is a whole different story. Gavin is really not doing very well at all. Everything is a struggle with him. Gavin doesn't hold or have physical contact with Emmett. The reason for that is the MAJOR safety concerns for Emmett. Gavin is far to unpredictable to allow him to hold Emmett no matter how much we would like him to. Emmett's health and safety HAVE to come first. Also Gavin has no interest in his little brother so it seems to be working out because we don't have to tell him he's not allowed.

Gavin only held Elliott one time when he was a baby and that was because Gavin was in a slightly better place and much smaller at the time and hadn't done the things he's done since then. We are NOT willing to take any chances with Elliott or Emmett. We live with Gavin every day and we know how "Dangerous" he can be to be around. Dangerous is not an exaggeration either. We don't believe he would ever deliberately hurt anyone but when he rages he has no control over himself.

As Emmett's and Elliott's PARENT'S we have made the decision(along with and supported by his specialists) not to allow Gavin much, if any, physical contact with Emmett and Elliott as it's the only way to ensure everyone's safety... We have to put the well being and safety of Emmett and Elliott first and foremost. We don't like the idea but we do it because we know it's the only thing to do.

I know that it seems cruel and unusual but we have witnessed many things that everyone else hasn't. We know how painfully difficult it is to accept that Gavin will never be "Normal" but that is the reality whether we like it or not. No amount of treating him like a typical child is going to help him. In fact it will only serve to make things worse. We are forced to face this reality and fall out every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Emmett and Elliott are forced to deal with this also.

And while this may seem cruel to everyone, we do know what we are doing. We are desperately fighting to keep this family together and we have managed to do this so far despite ALL the cards being stacked against us but it's getting more and more difficult. The past 2 or 3 weeks alone we have lived from one meltdown to the next. Emmett was home for less then a week and one of meltdowns almost knocked him out of his swing and onto the floor. Gavin was freaking out over Lego's again and started trying to smash and throw things in the living room. We were trying to get him upstairs and he decided to take out his frustration on a balloon that had floated directly above Emmett while he was swinging in his swing. Gavin lunged at the balloon trying to smash it completely oblivious to Emmett. If we hadn't stopped him Emmett would have gotten hurt. That is the reality we live in. That is why we do things the way we do things.

What everyone doesn't seem to understand is once Gavin hurts someone (accident or not) the fight is over. We will have no choice but to send him to residential treatment even though it would kill us to do so. If we didn't then we would be failing Emmett and Elliott because we wouldn't be keeping them safe.

While we are lost and completely overwhelmed, there is a rhyme and reason for all that we do. The sooner we all come to grips with the reality of the situation the easier life will become for us and Gavin. Gavin is NOT a typical child and NEVER will be. He HAS to be treated in a different way. We don't have to like it but its what's best for Gavin and everyone else involved. We have been doing this longer then anyone else and we are privy to information and experiences that most people aren't.

Gavin requires special rules and a strict schedule. If we deviate from that his world begins to crash around him. When that happens he lashes out at everyone and everything around him (including himself). It can take us weeks to bring him back down and under contol. Even routine doesn't seem to help much anymore.

Emmett and Elliott end up paying the price for all of this, as they will learn to fear their big brother. Lizze and I are already forever changed by this situation. Our health, both physical and emotional has been going down the drain. We will not let this happen to the kids. We are trying to keep things as stable as possible so we can live together as a family but with every passing day we are realizing that all of us living together may be impossible. Nevertheless we are trying because we love Gavin deeply.

Ah...true love...

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