My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

One of my many truths

10:50:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 4 Comments »
I didn't write this. I found it on a website (blog?).

The Making of a Wife Beater

First, I will wine and dine her
Then I fill her head with fairytale dreams
All the while, telling how gorgeous she is

Just a few more moves
and I will be all set

Now it time,
to build her confidence skyscraper high, with lies
Mmm, this is a major key;
To make them fall below their foundation

Not quite finished
How can one forget these fun tools
Get her pregnant
and make her totally reliant on my money

Wooohoo, the fun begin

First a few curse words,
kneaded with some demeaning gestures
Next tighten her wallet a little more,
then start blaming her for everything
and slow down the intimacy

She’s almost ready for her first slap

I need to yell louder
and tear apart her core viciously

Its time to push her over
She’s all primed

Smack, crackle and punch
Wow, what a cool way to start my day
Now, its time to say I am so sorry over and over
and hold her tight, while I beg for forgiveness

Hey, I can’t have friends and family know
She needs to lie for me
After all, it all her fault
Once she does this, I win

Here’s my favorite part:
It’s so easy to beat on someone that loves you unconditionally
Because they have nothing left and no place to stay
And the fatherly bonus is,
my little son tommy will know how to keep his woman in place
Now you know why, I always wear a shit-eaten grin

Edward K. Deputy

I am not posting this to be enflamatory, no matter what you may think. I am posting it because it made me think. It made me sad because it's true. This is how my years as an adult began. I've often been asked "why". Why I married him. Why I stuck around as long as I did (the longest 8-9 months of my life). Just why. All I can say is, this is why. I didn't see it coming and then once it was there, once reality set in I thought I could change me. I thought I could change him. I thought I could fix it all and give Gavin what he deserves - two parents who love him. So for those of you lucky enough to never have been in this type of a relationship, this is how it begins. This is the anatomy of an abusive relationship and a wife beater...

Tiny Bubbles

7:50:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Mr. Emmett John had a follow-up appointment with Dr. H this morning. We went to follow-up on the whole apnea roller coaster, as well as to get his 2 months shots. We opted to put off at his 2 month appointment until we figured out the whole apnea thing because we didn't want to put anymore stress on his body than necessary at that point. So we went. Christine, our lovely nurse, weighed Emmett John. He is now a whopping 14lb! While that's huge to me he's slowed down to gaining 1/2 a pound a week rather than nearly a pound and a 1/2. However, I checked Gavin and Elliott Richard's babybooks and Emmett John is at least 3/4 of an inch longer and at least a pound heavier than both Gavin and Elliott Richard were at this point. Sheer craziness.

Then we saw Dr. H. I told him about the massive increase in Emmett's foam and how Emmett basically screamed at me all weekend unless I was holding him and walking the floor. We discussed the apnea issues. And in the end we decided that we would see what happens at his appointment with the Apnea Clinic on the 23rd. Increased his Zantac to 1.2mL BID. And then we decided that Emmett would only get 3 of the 5 shots he was supposed to get. He got the Hib, pneumococcal and oral rotovirus vaccines. Then when I take him back in 2 weeks for a Zantac follow-up he will get the final 2 vaccines - polio and something else. Dr. H said that he hated to give Emmett the shots at all because he'll be so fussy for the next 24 hours or so, which I appreciate. In the end I told him that unfortunately we are used to the fussiness.

Which brings up to where we are right this moment, me typing with one hand while I bounce Emmett John in my left arm (while being careful of his thighs). Elliott Richard and Gavin are in bed. Rob is in the "man cave". It's been a long day...did I mention that school was canceled because Ike blew threw Ohio (yes, a hurricane in Ohio) and cut off most of the city's power? Yeah, that made for a fun day. I pray to God that the night is shorter than the day has been.


7:39:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
I'm sorry it has been a little while since I posted but things are getting really bad. I don't know how to explain in words how I am feeling right now. We have been dealt a few blows these past few days.

Friday we received a letter (I can't go into much detail at the moment) from our attorney demanding a VERY large sum of money (for us anyway) in order for him to continue fighting to keep Lizze out of jail. This was very unexpected and the timing couldn't have been worse. It felt alot like extortion. Either I came up with the money or Lizze WILL GO TO JAIL. We have spent the past few days scrambling to come up with the money.

Luckily I was able to come up with the money. Our luck also extends outside the hospital and courtroom. Our house has been struck by lighting 3 times in 5 years. I have been waiting for almost 3 years now to replace our crippled tv. We finally were able to replace it around my birthday last month. We got an amazing deal (especially with insurance paying for it) and finally were able to have something nice to watch. I know it probably seems materialistic but I assure you it's not. We have given up everything nice we had over the years in order to get Gavin what he needs. I have sold all the gifts from Microsoft (ranging from laptops to xbox 360s to very expensive software) I received for my work with them. Finally with the tv we had something to cling to. Something to help us feel more normal if that makes sense.
Anyways, we had to return it to keep Lizze out of jail and keep fighting a fight we want nothing to do with. Obviously returning the tv was not a tough decision, family first. Lizze's safety and security is way more important then a tv. But it's demoralizing none-the-less. I know Lizze feels really guilty for all of this but I keep telling her not to because it's not her fault. She has done nothing wrong and everyone knows it. We will have our day and this will forever be put to rest.

Gavin is so exhausting. We are so physically and emotionally bankrupt at this point. Gavin is back to his meltdowns over and over again. Last Friday was his worst day of school in 3 years. I honestly don't know how much more of this we can take. I don't want to go to court again. I just want to be left alone. Gavin just never stops anymore. There is constantly drama, meltdowns and then more drama. He is regressing to the point where I cannot even understand him anymore. He repeats himself over and over and over again. He starts speech therapy again this week so maybe that will help but I don't know anymore.

I was driving my invoices up to the office to get them paid and I heard a song on the radio. I can't remember the name but it struck a chord. They were asking "How many times can break without shattering?". I know we have been broken so many times I and terrified that we will not survive another one. I am so scared that there will be no future for my family. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Ah...true love...

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