My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Health issues about to be discussed...you've been warned...

11:22:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I won't go into details (you can email me if you know me and would really like them) but I've been having some health issues as of late. I had a doctors appointment today to try and find the cause...here's what we found, what we didn't find and what the plan is.

What we found:
  • I'm slighly anemic.
  • A whole bunch of cysts.

What we DIDN'T find:

  • The cause of my health issues.

The plan:

  • I have 2 weeks for my body to straighten itself out. If it does not, I will
    have minor outpatient surgery in 14-ish days.

Yeah, so today has sucked.

It's official...

9:07:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
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I have absolutely no life outside of blogging, nursing and changing diapers. (lol)

Look where my little plot can be found...

5:31:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 1 Comment »
So I know that Nate (Confessions of a CF Husband) often Googles his blog title and then posts a "thank you" to those who mention it. Well, I was bored with a raging migraine (from the stress of today) so I decided to Google my blog title (CheerioConfessions) and see what pops up. Some I expected to see. Others were a complete surprise to me. Here's what I found:

*Surprises!*
http://giadadelaurentiis.us/2007/08/23/celebrity-chefs-august-22-2007/ (all because I *heart* Alton Brown!)
http://itp.nyu.edu/~cjc367/hippiekidstories/links.html (last one under "Some More Hippy Kids")
http://hundredacrewood.blogspot.com/2008/02/scary-thought.html (Katrina showing some love.)
http://deannasegars.blogspot.com/2008/06/new-to-this.html (note to self: must check out blog)
http://babyblogdirectory.blogspot.com/2008_06_01_archive.html (interesting....)
http://anonblog4me.blogspot.com/2008/07/hello-again-sad-again.html (dearest Slade likes her...hhhhmmmm, must check it out)

The straw that broke my Faith...

3:55:00 PM Posted In , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
The title I really want to put there is "F**K FAITH".

Yup, you read that right. I didn't because I have too much respect for those of you who have faith.

I know I've said this before but I'm done. I don't have it in me anymore to operate on faith. I woke up this morning convinced that God was going to provide for us Like He Promised. WRONG.

I just knew in my heart and soul that the van was meant for us and he would work his miracles and make it happen. That he couldn't possibly let us fall to the wayside, forgotten again. WRONG.

We did not get the van. We did everything within our power to make it happen. All for naught.

I'm not writing this to offend those of you who are so sure of your faith, so strong in it that it radiates from you. In fact, I envy you. I envy those of you who are able to be so unwavering in your faith. Part of me wishes I were like you. Alas, I am not. I can only be me and I am done.

I've been screwed, forgotten, disillusioned, abused, walked on, walked over, and generally ignored far too many times. My faith, what little I had and struggled to hold on to and maintain, is gone. *poof* There is no more to be had. I will not look for it. I will no longer struggle to maintain it. I will no longer exhaust myself clinging to it. It's gone. I will mourn it and move on.

Now this probably seems dramatic to you. Especially if you do not know me or our story. I assure you that I am not dramatic at the moment. In fact, I'm quite calm and collected. The van was just the final straw. I would say that it was the straw that broke the camel's back except we weren't lucky enough to have ever received a camel. So it's the straw that broke my faith. After everything I've been through...everything we've been through I'm done.

I will not go so far as to call myself an atheist, however, I would label myself as agnostic at this point. I do not know if he exists. He might. He might not. All I know is that it's been ages since he's shown himself to me. Since he's helped me. Since he's carried me when I couldn't walk anymore. So if he's there, I can't see him (or hear him or any other verb you care to insert there).

Dreams

10:15:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I had some crazy dreams last night.

First, I dreamt that my first love from high school, Ben, and I were arrested along with a few other people. One of them being Ben's wife. (Don't know if he's married in real life but he was in my dream.) So we were arrested (don't know what we did) and spent forever trying to get our story straight. In the end, Ben took the fall so that his wife and I could go free. Before they carted him off to jail I gave him a hug and apologized for how things between us ended - 12 years ago. lol (Things didn't end well. I was madly in love. He wasn't. It was rather ugly, which was my doing. Lately I've been wondering if I should apologize someday...)

Then I dreamt that I was at the local flea/farmers market. As I was driving around picking things up (Including a ton of tofutti ice cream - I'll explain this in another post.) I kept talking to God about the van. I kept praying/begging for him to helps us find a way. Then right before I woke up, I told him (God) that I trust him and I know that he'll help us find a way to get this van. I'm terrifies that we won't be able to make it work and we'll lose this opportunity. But I guess I should listen to my dream and just go with faith, trusting that God will fins a way to provide the van for us.

Just a bit of randomness...

12:10:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 1 Comment »
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