Cheerio Confessions

I've been on my Lyrica for quite a few months now with pretty good results. So I was hopeful. I was hopeful that we had a dose right off the bat that was going to work. I was hopeful that my days of sobbing and crying wishing for death because of a fibro flare were behind me. I was hopeful that maybe when I saw Dr. T later this month he would give me the OK to begin physical therapy, something he won't permit me to do until we have my pain under control for a while with medications. My hopes have been dashed.

For the past few weeks now I've been having a few minor flares here and there. Nothing major by any stretch of the imagination. Certainly nothing I needed extra medications to manage. I just needed to take things a little slower on those days. No big deal. Then there was this past week. I have felt as if I've been run over by a train of teamsters, beaten to a pulp by the best boxers known to mankind, set a flame and left a flame for no other reason than to watch me burn and finally my very badly abused and battered shell is taken and repeatedly crammed into a a very small space (like a coffee mug, or a play dough container, ice cream container etc).

I've been taking my medications but I don't think it's helping at this point. I think the ever colder temperatures and the added stress of Mr. Emmett John's hearing tests and possible hearing loss is just shoving me over the edge; past a point where the Lyrica at my current dose can help me.

Hopefully, Dr. T's office will call me back from the message I left yesterday and let me know what they think and want to try. Because I can't take many more days of collapsing onto the floor in tears and sobs while I ugly cry because I'm in so much pain.

2/28

Well, Christmas has officially come and gone. There are now...what, 364 days to Christmas 2010. Or something like that. Thank God! No offense to Jesus or Mary or anything but I'm telling you what...every year the Holidays get more difficult to survive.

I had everything planned out this year. I was going to start preparing just after Halloween so that I wasn't running around like a chicken with my head cut off come Christmas Eve. It didn't work. I didn't get any of the gifts made that I wanted to. I didn't get the kids all figured out etc so I could help them create their gifts for everyone. My Mom was the only one who's gift was completely finished in time to give to her. And I was running around up until 30 seconds before she came in the door to get that wrapped etc.

But it's not just the prep work. Or the decorating, which I can't even manage to find a way to get done anymore. It's all of it. It all seems so complicated. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not a Scrooge by any means. I just noticed this is all.

Take toys for example. You have the gifts that Gavin and Elliott Richard received, which were taped in and twist-tied in. Am I the only one who thinks this is complete and total overkill? But I digress...their gifts are protected with the strength that I thought only Fort Knox could offer. Then you have Mr. Emmett John's gifts. Most of his gifts were what I affectionately call "Old School" toys. He received the pull behind telephone, the shape block sorter and the little "bed bug bopper". None of those were taped or twist-tied. You opened the box and pulled them out. End of story.

Heck even if you compare video games! When I was a kid, the Nintendo was the "in thing". Everyone either had one, knew someone who did and/or wanted one so badly they could almost taste it. True, by today's standards the graphics are horrid. However, the controls were easy and straight forward. Up was up. Down was down. You get the idea. Nothing was overly complicated. Now there are 3 different major systems with beautiful graphics in their own right. Each specializes in a different type of game genre. And each seems to have their own unique way of making the controls complicated.

Sorry to be all doom and gloom, I'm just over-whelmed from all the running and buying and wrapping and the going and visiting and whatnot. I still think it holds true though - things have gotten far to complicated over the years. At times, I really do feel that it's almost complicated simply for the sake of being complicated. But that's just me. =)

Aside from taped and twist-tied to death new toys (more pictures to come tomorrow), the Cheerios are doing well. We are exhausted and well-fed. We had a blast with family. And now we are all attempting to recover. Except the boys seem perfectly content to stay hyper and completely bouncing-off-the-walls. (lol) Our Christmas was beautiful and everything a Christmas should be. And we hope that you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!

I've got pretty awesome news but I don't want to share it yet because it's not quite final.

Emmett John is having his surgery to have his tubes placed on Thursday, Sept 10th.

I have to schedule to have an EMG on my lower body to try and determine why I'm having bi-lateral leg pain and numbness. Insurance wouldn't pay for the MRI but they'll pay for the torture. Jerks. Bright side, I can take 2 Xanax before the EMG, which will help since I'm beyond phobic when it comes to needles.

Gavin's first day of school is tomorrow. So we opted to stay home and lay low today. Nice and calm day.

I'm trying to get my new organizer all set up and filled in, which is taking much longer than it should because Mr. Emmett John keeps trying to help me. lol I figure once I get that done...His surgery (15 minutes) and recovery (about 12-24 hours at home) done...And my test done...I'll be back to my blogging self. Or maybe before that, who knows. ;) lol

Please pray that his surgery goes off without a hitch.

I just wanted to spend a few minutes with you and tell the world how I feel about you....

We have been together for 9 long years and been married for 6 short ones. I know that "long years" sounds bad but we have been through one trauma after another, year after year. Most couples wouldn't survive half of what you and I have been through together. There is just something about us that defies logic and statistics. We always joke that no one would have ever put us together because we are like oil and water.

I wanted to take this time to tell you in written words (I know how important written words are to you) how much you mean to me. These are my most treasured memories.... So far.

I remember the first time I met you (you know the first time I'm talking about) and I learned about some of what you had been through.

I remember I felt so sorry for you because no one deserves to be treated like that.

I remember after knowing you for only a brief moment, I felt proud of you because I realized you were NOT a victim.

I remember the first time I saw you at the park.

I remember our first kiss was at dusk standing in your Aunt Paula's porch.

I remember our first movie was Space Cowboy's.

I remember the first time we ate together was at M & H.

I remember the first time I met Gavin was at the park because we wanted to date for a little while before I met him.

I remember Gavin spilling his lemonade all over me that day.

I remember the fear I saw in your eyes as that happened because you thought I would be upset and walk away.

I remember us daring each other to say "I love you" because we were both to scared to be the first one to say it.

I remember parking the car in Rosemary's driveway and talking for hours and hours about nothing just to be together.

I remember you nursing me back to health both physically and emotionally after I destroyed my back on a call and decided to end my career as a Fire/Medic.

I remember your Grandma M taking me ( I was terrified of her at the time) to Burger King and telling me it was my turn to take care of you now.

I remember the worst day of your life and the pain in your eyes when you learned she passed away.

I remember that seeing you in so much pain was the first time my heart had ever truly been broken.

I remember asking you to marry me as we were walking to my car after I picked you up from school that sunny afternoon (if anyone is wondering she said yes).

I remember you being there for me on the worst day of my life, when I Grandma B passed away.

I remember our wedding day in North Cheerioville and dinner at Papa Bears after because we didn't want nor could we afford anything fancy and just wanted to be married.

I remember our honey moon at the cabin and you wearing your hooded jacket (looking like Kenny from South Park) in 90 F weather because you were hiding from the bugs.

I remember cutting it short and spending the next few days in the hospital because we both caught some freak virus.

I remember the day we found out you were pregnant with Elliott Richard and all the water you had to drink because I made you take like 6 tests just to be sure.

I remember the first time I heard his heart beat and yours together at the same time, amazing.

I remember witnessing Elliott Richard's birth and being so full of emotion and truly feeling what love was for the first time.

I remember standing there and looking at you in amazement because you created this perfect, tiny little child.

I remember a few minutes later begging God to take my life and spare our sweet Elliott Richard after he was born premature, both his lungs ruptured and we almost lost him.

I remember that was the longest 14 days of my life.

I remember we both felt so helpless not being able to touch him and seeing him in so much pain every day.

I remember being so afraid to leave to get food or sleep because we didn't want him to be alone if God was going to take him.

I remember that even though you had spent 6 months on bed rest and weeks in labor you were my rock and I was a complete mess.

I remember the first time you held him in the NICU, you looked so beautiful and at peace for the first time in a long while.

I remember learning you were pregnant with Emmett John and how excited we were.

I remember how much you taught me about courage and selflessness during the 8 months of bed rest leading the birth of our youngest miracle.

I remember having to be told over and over again how perfect he was when he was born because we were so scared something was going to happen.

I remember watching you hold Emmet John for the first time while I stood in awe of what you had just accomplished.

I remember the day we went to court and I finally after 8 years got to adopt Gavin.

I remember all the joy and pain that comes along with raising Gavin together.

I remember how fiercely you protected him and always do.

Now there are some things I would like you to remember.

Please remember the first time I saw you I knew you were the one. My soul mate. My penguin...

Please remember that you the strongest most beautiful woman I have ever met and I am truly honored to be your husband.

Please remember that I am completely and hopelessly in love with you.

Please remember that not a day goes by that I don't know how lucky I am to have you in my life.

Please remember that I am eternally grateful for ALL that you do for us even though you don't think it's enough.

Please remember that you are the glue that holds this family together.

Please remember that I will always, always be here for you...

Please remember that I would do ANYTHING to take your pain away.

Please remember that I am so sorry that I can't.

Please remember that I will forever be grateful that you read my email.

Please remember that I am also grateful you didn't listen to your cousin when she warned you about me saying I was a "Mac Daddy". Yes I am talking about you Sam :)


It seems like only yesterday and at the same time it feels like forever ago that we said I do. Does that even make sense? It's like time revolves around us.
Actually, time is meaningless for us because soul mates were created to be together no matter how long it takes to find each other, so time is irrelevant. I believe soul mates are like a circle with no beginning and no end. I know you are my soul mate.

I can't remember or imagine us not being together. That being said..... I have a question I have been meaning to ask you....


Scroll down.......For dramatic effect..




































































Keep scrolling.....































































































Keep scrolling....































Your almost there.....











Ok here goes nothing......























Lizze I have loved you from the first day we met. Every day I find myself looking forward to spending the next day with you. You are the most amazing mother and the best wife I could have ever hoped for. You are truly so much more then I deserve...





Scroll down.......




















(Rob is getting really nervous)


















Keep scrolling....























(Rob takes a deep breath and gets down on one knee)










Elizabeth Ann Cheerio (name has been changed to protect the Cheerio family),

Will you do me the honor of marrying me......... again?

This time I want to take our time and do it right. I want to pick a church we are both comfortable and happy with. I want to be married in front of God and our family including those we have gained since the first time :)

I want us to have a new start. I want this to be when we finally put everything behind us and move forward together as a family. What do you say?


I will anxiously await your answer......


Your Loving Husband,

Rob

1. I remember, I remember this one time at church camp.

2. Dear God, I want you to know that I could use a little help down here.

3. Is that my 1 yr old climbing over the back of the couch!!???

4. I'm trying to resist the temptation of cheesecake calling to me from the bakery.

5. I'm saving a hug just for you!

6. If I made a birthday list sanity would definitely be on it!!!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to Wal*Mart with my sister, tomorrow my plans include waking up pain-free (God-willing) and Sunday, I want to work on the laundry or take a nap...probably take a nap!

If you would like to play along with the Friday Fill In please head on over to Janet's Blog and check things out! Enjoy!

(You're supposed to sing the title to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas".)

3 Sick Boys

Yes, you read that correctly all three of my boys are sick, again. Isn't that always how it seems to go in the Cheerio household though? I'm not sure if it's better this way or not. I guess it is. I know it would definitely be much easier without the #1 down there. But I digress.

Elliott Richard

Elliott Richard was first. For all the "gory details" see this post here. He will finish up his antibiotics tomorrow. Yippee! Because even though he's on the "bubble gum" meds that most kids love he's 3 and a terrorist and therefore he enjoys being difficult.

Things were just starting to return to "normal" (not a term that usually applies to our household). Meaning that Elliott Richard was sleeping in his bed rather than on the couch in the living room with Daddy. He was sleeping through the night again. Wasn't super whiney or clingy. He was himself again. He seems to be doing much better. Although he's developing a cough, but I'll get to that in a moment.

So things were starting to look up...and then...

Emmett John

Emmett John, never one to be out-done in anything, was next. Friday afternoon he spiked a fever. By Friday night, his fever was 102.8. By Saturday morning it was 103.2 so off to see Dr. Beth we went. No ear infection or strep. It was just a virus. She said to let it run it's coarse and by Monday the fever should be gone. If Monday morning the fever was still there or his cold symptom had returned, I was to bring him back in.

So we suffered the weekend. No one slept. Emmett John screamed a lot. I considered clawing my eyes out and super-gluing my ears shut. But decided against it in the end. We all survived (I use that term loosely).

Monday morning, always the over-achiever, Emmett John still had his fever and his cold symptoms had returned with avengance so off we went to see Dr. M. But really, let's be honest here, what's a week in the Cheerio household without a visit (or two or three - keep reading) to the pediatricians' office? He checked out our young bebe and thought for sure he had strep throat so he did the swabs - rapid and 48hr. Both ended up coming back negative.

So now he's just a super-clingy grump. He doesn't really want to eat. But he downs water and juice like they are going out of style. He's exhausted but won't sleep. Wants to snuggle but doesn't want held. My fellow mommies out there know this drill well. *sigh*

Gavin

Then of course, Gavin had to jump on the bandwagon. Although truthfully, it's not like he had much of a choice, with two sick little brothers the odds were stacked against him in a major way. So a week or so ago Gavin developed a cough. As the week went on the cough got worse. The problem that Patty brought to our attention at our appointment on Tuesday was timing. The cough started about the same time that Dr. R increased Gavin's dose of Zyprexa. Patty was worried that the Zyprexa was possibly that Gavin is over-medicated and it's causing decreased respiratory function. Of course, I mean what else would you expect from a Cheerio Child?!

So I called and made an appointment with Dr. M. The appointment was actually going to work three ways. Here's what they are and why:

a.) If Gavin is over-medicated, the dose will be changed.

b.) If Gavin is sick, hopefully it's something that will be fixed with anti-biotics.

c.) Everytime Gavin gets a tickle in his throat he proclaims that he has asthma, which he does not.

So I was hoping to find answers to all three of those when we met with Dr. M. Although truth be told, Dr. H has already told Gavin on numerous occasions that he does not have asthma. Heck, even his original pediatrician Dr. Mike told him he didn't have asthma. But he's still convinced that he does.

So we went. We saw. We talked. Some of us more than others. Dr. M asked Gavin a bunch of questions to rule out asthma, which he was able to do, again. Then as Dr. M and I were talking about the cough - when it came on, the meds he's taking etc - Gavin kept jumping in with random Aspie statements. "I like pancakes." Things that given the given the context of the conversation really didn't make much sense. Gotta love those Aspies. :)

Dr. M checked him out and let us know that:

a.) He is not over-medicated. Huge relief there.

b.) He is sick.

c.) He also does not have asthma, although I don't know that this will put an end to the debate.

Apparently, Gavin has some funky form of bronchitis. The normal anti-biotics won't work on it because of the cell walls or something. And the anti-biotic they would normally prescribe is Zythromax or something in that family but Gavin is allergic to those. Even if he weren't he can't take them because they increase the levels of the Zyprexa in his blood stream. So he's on an anti-biotic I've never heard of before, which after three boys (especially Emmett John) I didn't think that was possible. lol And I have to take him back on Monday so that Dr. M can listen to his lungs and make sure that he's improving etc.

Back to Emmett John

Now we get to go back to the pediatrician today. In the last 24hrs Emmett John has developed a rash that started on his back so I thought it was heat rash. Then it began to creep. It creeped to his sides, stomach and now it's creeping down both arms and legs. So I called and talked to Paula, one of the lovely nurses, and she talked to Dr. M. He said that he felt Emmett John should be seen because of Gavin and Elliott Richard both being sick. So at 4:15pm we will be back at the pediatrician's office. This time we get to see Dr. H though. Yippee! So we'll see what that brings us. Oy vay.

2 Ped Appointments

Yeah, it was 2 ped appts if you only counted Emmett John with Dr. M on Monday and Gavin with Dr. M yesterday. However, if you count Emmett John with Dr. Beth on Saturday and now Emmett John today. The grand total is now 4 ped appts but that doesn't work with my title at all. ;) lol

1 Fibromyalgia Flare

Yeah, that would be me. Of course, who else would it be. I love living in Ohio. Really, I do. Lately though, this weather, it's killing me. The ups and the downs - the weather is just crazy and it's downright killing me. I've been flaring off and on for nearly 2 weeks now. But that's another post entirely, believe me.

A Baby on the Way

Okay, so he's not so much "on the way" anymore because I started this post 5 days ago and let's face it, that's kind of a long time for active labor! (Ouch!) On Thursday, August 6th my cousin Sam went into labor with her second child, first boy. If you would like to see his stats and a picture of him head on over to her blog. Try and prepare yourself though ~ seriously.

Welcome to the World and to the Family, Mr. Evander Benjamin!

Or is it a train?!

Seriously, given my luck, I hope it's not a train.

I took Mr. Emmett John to see Dr. H this morning at 10:15am. (I also doubled booked myself without realizing it and missed my appointment with my therapist but I digress.) He checked out both of Emmett's ears and said they look good. They aren't perfect by any means but they look "like ears that are on the mend rather than getting worse again".

Yay!

At first he was under the impression that Mr. Emmett John has had a few more ear infections then just these last few. So he wanted me to push Dr. KR for the tubes next week. After he looked back through his medical records, he changed his mind. Now he wants me to be sure and mention it to Dr. KR and if he looks at Emmett's ears and they are infected again, even after finishing the Augmentin, then he wants me to push for the tubes. Other wise he said to just follow Dr. KR's lead on what to do.

So for now, there is hope! :)

For now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I just hope it isn't a train...please keep praying!

Sorry I've been MIA again. It's been a crazy month for a few different reasons. I'll go into some of it when I'm ready, but not now. For now I'd like to focus on Mr. Emmett John. He's turned 1! (I have pictures and video that I will be sure to post - as soon as I find them.) And he's been sick. You're surprised, I know. But this is crazy even by Emmett John standards.

About a month or so ago, I took him in to see Dr. M because Emmett John had been super fussy and grumpy. Totally inconsolible. Picking at his food. He didn't want to drink. Wouldn't sleep. Completely not himself. He didn't have a fever or anything. But there was clearly something off. So away to see the pediatrician we went...completely expecting to find nothing.

Wrong!

Turns out that Emmett John had a horrible, bright red ear infection in his left ear. He just happens to be one of those kids who doesn't have any signs of an infection (fever etc). So Dr. M gave us a prescription for the pink "bubblegum" medicine (that I can't remember the name right now). He took that for 10 days. About 4 days after he finished that he was still Super Grump. So I called them back. (This was last Wednesday.) Guess what happened then?

Yup. Away we went to see Dr. M again. He checks. Again expecting to find nothing but an over-protective mommy. Wrong again. Now he's got a nasty, bright red ear infection in his right ear. Again, he didn't have a fever. He was just a grump who wasn't sleeping, eating, drinking etc. So we left that appointment with a prescription for Omnicef. Believing that it would clear up the infection and when we returned today all would be right with the world.

Wrong again!

We saw Dr. M again this morning bright and early at 8:45am. I was hoping against hope that he would find no more infection. Even though I knew that his behavior was indicative of his ear infection still hanging around. I was right. Dr. M checked and his right ear is still bright red and inflamed. Now Mr. Emmett John is on Augmentin, which is the last and strongest medication they are willing to try. If this doesn't work, when we see Dr. KR on July 29th for his continued hoarseness we will also discuss having tubes placed in his ears. :(

We go see Dr. H next Wednesday to see if the Augmentin has worked. We would see Dr. M again except he will be on vacation, lucky guy. So while it's a small thing, in the great big scheme of things, if you could pray that his ear infection clears up in the next week. I would really appreciate it.

Okay, so one my nearest and dearest Due Date Buddies from my pregnancy with Mr. Emmett John, Julie, just found out some scary news. Apparently, she has breast cancer. Luckily, it was found early. But that doesn't change how scary I'm sure it all must be. So if you pray, or whatever it is you do if you could add Julie and Bob and Cooper to your prayers (or whatever) I would appreciate it. I just adore Julie and I hate to break it to breast cancer but she's going to kick it's ass! The extra prayers and whatnot certainly couldn't hurt though, right?

Didn't God see my white flag? Doesn't he understand that I can't possibly carry anymore? Can't he see how much pain I'm in? Hasn't he noticed how I'm buckling under the weight of all I carry now? Can't he see how much I'm struggling? How little sanity I have left? My patience is gone, too. Can't he tell I feel utterly alone? That I feel as if everything I touch falls to pieces. Can't he hear me screaming for him? Why doesn't he answer?

All I've ever wanted, ever since I can remember, was a family. The stereotypical American dream...a house, a husband, a cat and a dog, 2.5 kids. Granted I have .5 more kids and I traded the dog for 2 more cats than the stereotypical American dream but you get the point. Now that I have want I wanted, I don't know if I was up for the challenge.

I've read the poems about being a parent to a child with "something more". I've heard the euphemisms. It's all crap. Complete and utter crap. I didn't plan a trip to Italy and end up in Holland. I am the mother of a child with special needs. Technically, if there is something more complicated than special needs, that would probably fit better. So far Gavin's laundry list of diagnoses are:

Asperger's/Autism
PTSD
ADHD
Bi-Polar
OCD
Sensory Integration Disorder

And now it has come to our attention that Gavin may also have Pica. Apparently he has been eating toilet paper and the stitching on his comforter. Last night he came downstairs and asked us if his gums were bleeding. I told him no and asked why they would be bleeding. He cheerfully informed me that he sometimes cuts his gums when he's eating his blanket. So we had the food vs non-food conversation. During which I asked him why he would eat toilet paper and his blanket. He said because it tastes good and we don't feed him enough so he eats these things.

Now I don't owe anyone an explanation on this matter, however, I will offer one. First of all, we do feed Gavin enough. In reality he eats more than me, the nursing 28 year old grown woman. Also because of his Autism and various mental disabilities he does not possess the ability to self-regulate so we have to limit his access to food. We have tried in the past to allow Gavin to eat until he feels he is full. What ends up happening is he eats until he vomits. Then after he vomits, he tries to go back and eat some more. So we cannot allow him to attempt to self-regulate during meal times. We make sure that he at least gets all of the suggested values on the food pyramid everyday. So please, rest assured that Gavin is getting plenty to eat.

I checked his comforter last night to see which part of it and how much is missing. All of the "decorative" stitching that holds the center of the comforter together, is gone. He's eaten it. The fact that he's eating the toilet paper actually solves a mystery Rob and I have been pondering for a while, where does all of our toilet paper go. Now Gavin believes he's been eating his comforter for 2 years, however, I know that the last time I washed it (maybe a week or so ago) all of the stitching was there. Just to give you an idea of Gavin's mindset about this whole situation, while I was checking his comforter last night Gavin asked me if I would be replacing it. I told him no. Then I aksed, "Why would I?" His response, "Because this one is almost gone." Yup, he expects us to help him continue this behavior. (Oy vay.)

Obviously it's not a good thing that Gavin is eating non-food items. This is new territory for both Rob and myself so the first thing I did was call Patty. She said that contrary to what Gavin is claiming, she does not believe that we are not feeding him enough. She has seen his inability to self-regulate and as such trusts that we are feeding him plenty. She said that us not feeding him enough is an excuse. She doesn't have a lot of experience with Pica so she suggested I call Dr. R and Dr. H and ask them for their thoughts. So I called both of them and left messages with their nurses. Dr. R said Pica is more of a physical, developmental disorder and we should call Dr. H. Then Dr. H's nurse called back. He wants to see Gavin tomorrow (Tuesday) morning and then he will likely refer us for an x-ray. Dr. H wants to make sure that the string Gavin has eaten hasn't formed a solid ball in his stomach because if it has and it tries to make it's way through his system in one piece it will likely cause a bowel obstruction. And so that is where we are now. (By the way, it's 8:30am on Tuesday now because I had to take a break last night when my laptop died.)

In 2 and 1/2 hours I will pack up Gavin and Emmett John. We will pick up Grandma G and head to Dr. H's office. While we are there I will change Gavin's name! (Yay!) Then our morning of ultra-fun, super cool doctor's appointments and tests will begin. (That was sarcasm by the way.) I will update from my phone on Twitter while we are gone and if I get a chance I'll post updates to the blog as well.

Prayers and positive thoughts would be much appreciated.

I have my moments where everything seems clear and maybe life isn't so hopeless. My moments when I know that I am right where I need to be. That for better or worse, things really will be okay.

I just had one of those moments.

My sweet Emmett John was nursing. He looked up at me and smiled, his great big toothless grin. Then he lost his latch, which startled him. So he "attacked" me in an effort to make sure his "nummies" didn't get away.

In that one brief moment, despite the pain and my cold and everything else in the world, my soul was at peace and my heart was full.

Life is a crazy thing.

I sat in the waiting area at the outpatient lab in the hospital with Emmett John this morning. Waiting to register him soi could drop something off (that's another post). While we sat there and waited, I noticed a few things that touched me in one way or another.

I watched strangers help a 92 year old woman they didn't know simply because she needed help.

Then I watched an obviously physically and emotionally exhausted father struggle with his 3 or 4 year old son. I chuckled when he told his son he was "more persistent than diarrhea". (lol) Then I found myself praying when his phone rang and he told the person on the other end that it was highly likely he has liver cancer.

I can't really explain it but witnessing these two events touched me. I know I'm often over-loaded between home, kids, PTA and other stuff but really, I can't imagine. I can't imagine wanting my independence so strongly and yet having to rely on people I've never met and likely never see again. Or going to the doctor with my son believing that I'm going for a standard med check to make sure I'm on the correct dose, only to learn that it's likely I have liver cancer.

They were both so positive, too. She was so appreciative of the help she received. He was so stressed it was etched in the lines of his face, yet he played with his son and joked around with me when Emmett John began screaming.

I only hope that I can handle things as well as they were, should I ever find myself in a similar situation.

**I started this blog on Wednesday October 1st. That's why it says "today" but applies to events from yesterday. lol***

I am about to beg for your help and support blogosphere. You have been warned. ;)

Today Rob and I went to court. Gavin was in school. Elliott Richard and Emmett John were with Grandma & PaPa G and Uncle Brian (Thanks again guys!). (This was the first time I left Emmett John with anyone besides Rob. We both survived but that's for another post.)

Rob and I went to court because in the end of July Rob filed to legally adopt Gavin. Today was supposed to be the arguments and evidence as to why we do not need Nick's consent to move forward with the adoption. I say "supposed to be" because it didn't happen. I will post details but not just yet.

This is where the begging comes in...

We need your prayers, if you pray. Positive thoughts, if you don't.

I can't find words at the moment to adequately express just how important this adoption is to our family. To our wellbeing, sanity, and safety. So if you could please pray for us. And if you don't mind and would be willing, could you please pass us on to anyone and everyone you know who would be willing to pray for us.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. Without your support, I'd be a little crazier than I already am. ;)

Okay, it's no huge surprise that I have been having a pretty serious (at least in my book) crisis of faith lately. I'm hurt. Pissed off. Angry. Try as I might to just give up and give in, I can't. (And believe me when I say I've TRIED.) There is a part of me that is sincerely done, that doesn't want anything more to do with any of it. Seriously, if I could just...stop. I would. I'm completely jaded at this point. However, there are a few things that even my semi-cynical mind cannot ignore.

First, out of all the blogs in all the world about how many various topics I am continually drawn to blog full of faith. Complete. Total. Give yourself over. Hold on tight because it's a bumpy ride. Faith. I don't seek them out. Granted, a few I've found through blogs I already read and those blogs also tend to lean more towards the faith-based. So it would stand to reason that following blog links from there may link me to more faith-based blogs. But what of the blogs I find through Google searches? What of the blogs I find just randomly? I'm not searching for things of a faith-base. They just seem to find me.

Second, my resolve as a rebelious teenager is severely lacking. (I'm not the same strong-willed strictly for the sake of being strong-willed gal I used to be once upon a time apparently.) To this end, try as I might to be angry with God. It's just not working for me. Try as I might to stop talking to him. I cannot. Try as I might to stop praying. I keep doing it. Seriously. I have wanted nothing more for the past few weeks to have nothing more to do with God. Period. Ever. I can't seem to do it.

Third, I read these blogs written by those of you with such a strong faith and connection with God. And I covet that. There is a part of me that is...not jealous exactly. I don't want to take it from you, for myself. I want to figure out how you got there. How your faith is so strong. How you just turn it all over to God and trust that it will work out. How did you get there. How do you do it. I read these blogs that I am drawn to and I feel a stirring. An inner screaming of "I WANT THAT!"

Problem is I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to get "that". Rob is Catholic - born and raised. I am Protestant/Non-Denominational. The plan when we got married was for me to convert to Catholism because my religion/faith has never been something of huge importance to me. And it seemed important to him for me to convert. (I'm not saying that it is or was important to him or his family. I'm merely stating that at the time of our marriage 5 years ago I felt that it was of great importance to them. Not judging. Just stating my impression.) Now, I'm not so sure I want to convert. This is going to sound crazy coming from a recently self-proclaimed agnostic (yeah, that's going well don't you think?)...but I don't feel that Catholism is where I personally need to be. I just don't happen to know exactly where I do need to be. If that makes any sense at all...

The title I really want to put there is "F**K FAITH".

Yup, you read that right. I didn't because I have too much respect for those of you who have faith.

I know I've said this before but I'm done. I don't have it in me anymore to operate on faith. I woke up this morning convinced that God was going to provide for us Like He Promised. WRONG.

I just knew in my heart and soul that the van was meant for us and he would work his miracles and make it happen. That he couldn't possibly let us fall to the wayside, forgotten again. WRONG.

We did not get the van. We did everything within our power to make it happen. All for naught.

I'm not writing this to offend those of you who are so sure of your faith, so strong in it that it radiates from you. In fact, I envy you. I envy those of you who are able to be so unwavering in your faith. Part of me wishes I were like you. Alas, I am not. I can only be me and I am done.

I've been screwed, forgotten, disillusioned, abused, walked on, walked over, and generally ignored far too many times. My faith, what little I had and struggled to hold on to and maintain, is gone. *poof* There is no more to be had. I will not look for it. I will no longer struggle to maintain it. I will no longer exhaust myself clinging to it. It's gone. I will mourn it and move on.

Now this probably seems dramatic to you. Especially if you do not know me or our story. I assure you that I am not dramatic at the moment. In fact, I'm quite calm and collected. The van was just the final straw. I would say that it was the straw that broke the camel's back except we weren't lucky enough to have ever received a camel. So it's the straw that broke my faith. After everything I've been through...everything we've been through I'm done.

I will not go so far as to call myself an atheist, however, I would label myself as agnostic at this point. I do not know if he exists. He might. He might not. All I know is that it's been ages since he's shown himself to me. Since he's helped me. Since he's carried me when I couldn't walk anymore. So if he's there, I can't see him (or hear him or any other verb you care to insert there).

I had some crazy dreams last night.

First, I dreamt that my first love from high school, Ben, and I were arrested along with a few other people. One of them being Ben's wife. (Don't know if he's married in real life but he was in my dream.) So we were arrested (don't know what we did) and spent forever trying to get our story straight. In the end, Ben took the fall so that his wife and I could go free. Before they carted him off to jail I gave him a hug and apologized for how things between us ended - 12 years ago. lol (Things didn't end well. I was madly in love. He wasn't. It was rather ugly, which was my doing. Lately I've been wondering if I should apologize someday...)

Then I dreamt that I was at the local flea/farmers market. As I was driving around picking things up (Including a ton of tofutti ice cream - I'll explain this in another post.) I kept talking to God about the van. I kept praying/begging for him to helps us find a way. Then right before I woke up, I told him (God) that I trust him and I know that he'll help us find a way to get this van. I'm terrifies that we won't be able to make it work and we'll lose this opportunity. But I guess I should listen to my dream and just go with faith, trusting that God will fins a way to provide the van for us.

I am writing this from my hospital bed in Emmett John's hospital room. He's been a fussy for few days so his ped, Dr. H increased his zantac dose yesterday. Then today he was still fussy. I actually had to wake him for a few feelings. The biggest concern were the 2 times he was gasping for air...trying to catch his breath.

We saw Dr. H at 4:30pm. Emmett John new weighs 12lb. 11oz! That's nearly a one pound gain since his appointment last week. Dr. H said the fussiness is probably reflux and a little tummy bug, which is giving Emmett John the runs. The missed feelings and gasping were his biggest concerns. Those concerns earned him the admission to the peds unit at the hospital.

So here we are. They are watching him on the monitors for the night. They are also keeping an eye on his intake (times he nurses) and output (diapers) to make sure the tummy bug doesn't dehydrate him. The current plan is to watch him tonight and send us home tomorrow with an apnea monitor. So long as no surprises happen tonight. I don't see a whole lot of sleep in my future tonight so I'll update if anything changes.

Okay, I should try and sleep now; while he's asleep since I don't know how long it will last. Oh and not only is my "Tiny" gaining nearly a pound a week but he's grown 3 inches in a month!!!! He's now 24.5 inches long! I swear he's going to pass Rob up at this rate!

Prayers (even though I'm still boycotting there's no need to punish Emmett John) and positive thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Okay, so I promised you pictures and an update...three days ago. I have the pictures. They are on my phone. I just haven't gotten around to posting them yet. However, I will give you a quick "driveby" update. Ready? Here we go...

Elliott Richard has recently gone through a pretty big change. He now thinks everyone should go through this change. He also has a slight case of impetigo (ie bacterial rash). While both he and Emmett John were at the ped's office Thursday he said the cutest thing. Here's the convo:

Me: So I shouldn't worry about Emmett's "foaming at the mouth"?
Dr. H (ped): Nah, it's most likely the reflux. Unless of course you think he's rabid?
Me: Nah, I think he's good.
Elliott Richard: (looking very confused) That not rabbit! That baby Ennett!

Gavin started school last Monday. He's doing okay so far. He has a new classmate, which I predict will be disastrous. Only time will tell.

Um....I've added stats for Gavin and Elliott Richard to the sidebar along with Emmett John's stats. Elliott Richard weighs 29lb 11oz!!!!! Emmett John is now 11lb 13oz!!!! I've got two chunky monkeys on my hands!!!

I swallowed my pride and talked to Dr. D about PPD. Turns out that extreme anxiety is a form of PPD. I did not know this. Now I do. He put me on a low-dose anti-depressant for a little while. Hello, placebo effect! I'm already feeling better. Still very jumpy and anxious but not as bad. I'm still adjusting to the meds so I'm tired and napping. A lot. (Which is a big reason the blog has been so desolate lately.)

Emmett John is doing much better. He's now 8 weeks old, which I can't believe! The increase in his Zantac seems to have finally fully taken effect. He's much happier and laid back now. Sleeps really well at night. Not spitting up as much. It's been nice. (I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out.)

The twins are adjusting nicely. Blue is slowly starting to show some interest in actually being a member of the family. He's slowly seeking out attention. Cosmo is still a complete spaz. Elliott Richard loves them both...nearly to death at times. They tolerate him really well. I think they'll fit in nicely....once Cosmo settles down some. lol

Rob threw his back out again. We've been trying to nurse that back to "normal" for the past 5-6 days. He really needs to have major back surgery (he's honestly needed it since the injury in 2001-2002) but that's not an option right now with everything else that's going on.

I'm still acting like a spoilt teenager and ignoring God. Do I believe this is hurting him? Nope. Do I care? Nope. I'm still hurt and pissed off and feeling abandoned.

We still have that major thing going on that I can't elaborate on yet. Rob and I debate just laying all the cards on the table. As long as we stick to the facts, there's nothing anyone can do. I'm still anxious (shocker I know) about it all though. So for the time being we still aren't going to elaborate. However, I will say this...From where I stand, there are some who are seeking to wage war upon me and my family. If a war is what they seek, a war is what they shall get. (For those of you who know me IRL; you know I will wage war on behalf of my family. For those of you who do not know me IRL; I am fiercely loyal and there isn't an angry, protective mamma bear on the planet that holds a candle to me when I'm ticked off and feeling protective.)

Rob's 30th birthday was today (I started this blog on Sunday, August 24th.) and his family threw him a great cookout/party. All of our nearest and dearest came. We ate good food. Laughed. Talked. And generally had a good time. Rob made out like a bandit. The boys had a blast. Plus, my little brother came to the party and I got to "hang out" with him for a bit. It was more me trying to hang out and him looking a mix of confused and amused. But I'll take what I can get at this point. (lol) Overall, I think Rob had a pretty good day.

So that's about the long and the short (more short) of it. I will post all the pictures I've been taking and saving to post as soon as I can.

I've been asking for your prayers pertaining to some issues that I had not elaborated on here. I am grateful for each and every prayer that is sent up on our behalf. I still cannot elaborate on what is going on for a multitude of reasons. However, I need to know something.

Where is God?

From where I'm sitting, he isn't listening. He isn't paying attention. He isn't helping. I'm a good Christian. I do my best each and every day be a good Christian. I follow God's laws. I follow man's laws. I strive to be a good person and raise my children to be good people. And yet, I am without help.

If I look down into the sand there are no foot prints at all. I'm frozen in place and there is no larger than life, unseen force helping me. I've been left there. Frozen. Terrified. Overwhelmed. And completely alone.

If my wavering faith, my questioning of God, makes me a bad Christian. I'm fine with that right now. I will declare it proudly!

MY NAME IS LIZZE AND I AM A BAD CHRISTIAN!!!

God isn't here. I'm looking. I'm listening. I'm talking. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. But as a mother I can only sit idly by and wait for so long. I've only just now, within the past hour, given up on God. I've only just now turned away. Until that moment an hour ago, I was waiting. I was listening so hard I could hear my own heartbeat. I was talking. I was begging on bended knee for help. And I've been ignored yet again.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't.

I do what I'm told. As a mother. A Christian (which I still refuse to be any longer). An American citizen. A basic human being. I am kind to others. I am kind to my children. I am a rule-follower. Never a rule-breaker, at least not the major ones. I go without so others don't have to. And still, I am ignored. My children are ignored. My family is ignored.

Well, I'm done being ignored. If I am meant to go this alone. If God isn't going to listen, talk, answer, help. That's fine. I'll go alone without the delusion that help is on the way. Because you know what, it's not. No white knight on a beautiful white horse is on his way to help us. I get it now. I wish I had understood it then. It would have been easier to live through knowing I was alone without help. I guess I should be grateful that I know it now.

Go on, tell me my boys aren't stinking adorable. I dare you! lol

You can't do it, can you? Nope, that's because he's the cutest darn 2 yr old around. ;)

(Yeah, the quality of the video is pretty crappy. But what do you expect from a video taken in semi-darkness with my phone? lol)