Cheerio Confessions

Its been a while since I've posted (sorry about that) but I felt like posting an "I Don't - Wednesday" today...and away we go!

I Don't Wednesday #6: KetZchup

I Don't ... Know why I haven't posted in so long.

I've started ketZchup posts but they are all so long and unfinished and the longer it takes me to finish them - the more behind I become. I hate being behind like this. So they are still waiting to be finished.

I Don't ... Know why I don't just start from the here and now.

You know...Say, screw the postS waiting to be finished and move on. To Hell with those damn wanna-be posts!

I Don't ... Know why I just wrote that "I Don't" because I do know.

I Don't ... move on because for starters, I'm suffering from some serious OCD. Secondly, someday I will publish this blog. Someday it will be added to the other journals I have that chronicle my life. And to cut those things out would be to remove large sections of my life.
As it is, I'm already not blogging HUGE, GINORMOUS parts of my life over the past 3 to 6 months because it has been made quite clear to me that if I chronicle those happenings:

A) I would be using MY BLOG against others. You know, because that's why I started it. Revenge. Spite. Viva la Revolution! And all that jazz. *insert eye roll here*
B) I would be hiding behind MY BLOG even though the thoughts, feelings, expressions, etc that are/have been/would be covered (if I were to cover said taboo topics) have already been shared privately (via emails and a very few phone calls) with the parties involved. So I'm not hiding behind anything. But whatever.
C) I would be discussing other people's lives and that isn't right. Nor is it fair.
Now I have not had a single complaint about my blog from people - except for a few loons who felt that I was being unkind to my dead-beat-dad exhusband once upon a time. So I stand corrected - by myself - that I have had a few complaints over that past 2 years or so. That being said, in case it has escaped anyone, I tend to discuss other people's lives on a pretty regular basis - when I can find time to blog that is. I discuss my own and those of my family (ie Rob, husband; Gavin, 9 year old son; Elliott Richard, 3 year old son; Emmett John, 17 month old son; Maggie Sue, nanny-dog; Cleo, cat). I discuss my sister, Trisha, my Mom, Mary. (See Mom, I'm posting again. lol) I discuss quite a few people. Yet no one else is screaming unfair. But don't worry ... I think I have come up with a way to discuss what I want without further pissing anyone else off. Hhhhhhmmmm........I'll have to think about that some more.

Anyway, I digress.

I Don't ... Believe how quickly the month of December is flying by!

I had it all planned out so that the boys could do our usual traditions - make ornaments, make Christmas gifts for Grandma & PaPa and now for Grandma Mary (who they are beyong super excited to include to the traditions this year!) etc. Plus there are Godparents to consider. Then while I get the gifts together for the 3 boys. I'm also putting together a group gift for the boys. Plus a few surprises. I've had it all figured out, planned out and ready to go on paper since mid-October.

I was so sure I had it all figured out. Then I forgot to take my Lyrica for 1 flipping day! Which has thrown me off by like 3 days! So I'm back to not being able to drive again; so unhelpful right now!

I Don't ... Know how to care for Gavin effectively all the time.

Sometimes its a breeze. Sometimes I see the damage others have done to him before the legal system finally got a clue. Before I finally got a clue. Sometimes that damage is more than I can deal with and I know that they knew what they were doing - whether they deny it now or not. Sometimes I wish for the chance to interrogate them about it, with the chance to only get honest answers and then smack them all silly in the end. Sometimes I wish for a winning Lotto ticket, too. None of those things is going to happen.

I Don't ... Know how to raise Gavin his way.

Elliott Richard his way. Emmett John his way. Without making any of them feel singled out. Without damaging any of them.

I Don't ... Know how to survive anymore.

Surviving is usually the only thing I know to do. It comes naturally. After a lifetime of various rings of my own personal hell. Surviving is as natural to me as breathing. Lately, I can't seem to remember how.

Ah, yes, the Story of Gavin. Definitely not your "fairy tale princess" story, that's for sure. But it's part of our story and it's the beginning of his story, nonetheless. So it must be told. Besides I know you're all simply dying to know where it all began with my ex. ;)

Before (Coming Soon!)

The Pregnancy (Coming Soon!)

Labor & Delivery (Coming Soon!)

Birth to 6 months (Coming Soon!)

6 months to 1 year (Coming Soon!)

Gavin's 7 Rules

Our Support Teams

What is Autism?

What is Aspergers?

What is Bi-Polar?

What is ADHD?

What is OCD?

What is PICA?

What is Sensory Integration Disorder?

What is a Conduct Disorder?

Okay, Emmett John is fussy so this is going to be the fastest update I can manage. (Yeah, right. lol) Please forgive me if this seems jumbled and disconnected, Emmett John and Elliott Richard aren't big on sleep at the moment.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in nearly forever. I simply haven't been in the mood, which stinks because I was hoping to partake in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) but I can only do so much. I do apologize though if my being MIA has made any of you worry.

Gavin

About a month ago Gavin was started on a new bi-polar medication, 150mg Trileptal BID. Everything was fine. It seemed to be working. His moods were gradually evening out. Then the bottom fell out. His moods took a nose dive. He began rapid cycling again. So we called Dr. R and he decided to double Gavin's dose to 300mg BID, which he had planned to do anyway. So two weeks ago, we double the Trileptal. We give Gavin his meds and proceed with getting ready for Gavin and Elliott Richard's flu shot appointments. On our way to Dr. H's office for flu shots, Gavin broke out in a serious rash. Dr. H wasn't in the office but one of the other peds saw him and confirmed that it was a reaction to the Trileptal. She said that there wasn't anything we could do for the itching (apparently Benedryl doesn't work on drug reaction rashes), so that was fun. We were told to keep an eye on his breathing etc but told he should be fine. (Ever try explaining to an Autistic 8 year old that he can't scratch and you can't help the itch? Yeah, I don't recommend it.) Since the ped wasn't worried, we sent Gavin to my Mom's as planned. At like midnight or 1am our phone rings. Gavin now has a fever, the chills etc. His breathing was fine so Mom gave him Tylenol for the fever and we all went back to sleep. He was fine in the morning so it appeared that the worst had passed. Until he got home. The chills, fever etc had returned. He was now running a 104 degree fever! So Rob is calling Dr. R and Dr. H's offices trying to figure out what to do. I'm trying to get Gavin comfortable and giving him Tylenol etc. Dr. R's office decides he has the flu and not a drug reaction at all. Dr. H's office said to keep a very close eye on him, if anything changed or the fever hit 105 we were told to call back ASAP. To give a general idea of how Gavin was feeling, he went to bed at 5pm and slept through the night until 8am the next day!!!!!! (This is a big deal because I don't think he's slept that much since he was Emmett John's age!) On the bright side, he recovered really quick. On the not-so-bright side, I'm definitely not going to win "Mother of the Year" this year. When Gavin went back to school, I accidentally gave him the 150mg dose of Trileptal. Luckily, he survived and we now know for 100% certain that Dr. H was right (it was a drug reaction) and Dr. R was wrong (it was NOT the flu). So while he broke out in a rash again, he handled it like a champ and it was gone within a day or two. So since this whole drama went down Gavin has been unmedicated for his bi-polar, which at the very least is making things interesting. Rob and I see Dr. R today to figure out what the next step is.

Other than that whole mess, things with Gavin have been fairly....typical for Gavin. He's rapid cycling. We're struggling to keep up with him. The whole situation is just exhausting. Of course that could have something to do with the fact that he hasn't adjusted to the time change at all. He puts himself to bed at 6pm every night and asks for him meals an hour early. We've tried to explain it to him but he doesn't get it. Poor thing. Hopefully he'll adjust soon.

On a positive note, a few days after the adoption was finalized (we should have the paperwork any day now - woo who!) the school had an Awards Assembly for the students. Gavin received awards for Perfect Attendance (which was blown for this grading period with the drug reaction), an award for meeting his reading goals with his Title 1 tutor, and another one I can't remember. (Hey, I already told you I wasn't winning Mother of the Year.) The school even went and changed his name on all of his awards so that they read Gavin G. :)

Elliott Richard

Well, unofficially potty training has begun. We've started buying Elliott Richard Lightning McQueen Pull-Ups. It took a little bit of convincing to get him to wear them but now he's in love. He's now changing his own diapers, well, he's taking his wet (and dirty - unfortunately) diapers off and then running around the house buck naked screaming "New biper!" He also tells us (sometimes before and sometimes after the diaper removal) that he's peed or pooped. He will sit on the potty, sometimes for nearly an hour. Then he gets up, puts on a Pull-Up and pees. Oy. So progress is slow and basically non-existent at some points but we are getting there.

During Gavin's whole Trileptal reaction, Elliott Richard received his flu shot. I expected a lot of tears and screaming. Daddy said that he was fine with the shot. (I was meeting with the ped about Gavin.) It was having his legs held down that ticked him off. Once they let him go, he was fine. lol I swear he never ceases to amaze me.

Other than that stuff, there's really not much to report in the land of Elliott Richard. He's still completely obsessed with Emmett John and helping me as much as possible. Which usually means that whatever I'm doing is taking twice as long as it would normally but whatever. He's growing like a weed. Eating us out of house and home or not eating at all. (I just love the terrible two's!) And as his hair grows back from his first hair cut, I'm thrilled to say that it is still wavy/curly! :)

Emmett John

I think I probably have the most to update on when it comes to Mr. Emmett John.

I'm thrilled to report that Emmett John is now the new and improved wireless version. We saw Dr. K and our nurse Vick at the Apnea Clinic last month (yes, I'm really that behind). The only concern they had was one Apneic episode that wasn't a full-fledged episode. His breathing slowed way down and then seconds after his breathing picked up again his heart rate dropped. Since they didn't happen simultaneously, it doesn't count as a true Apneic Episode and he was cleared for release. :)

Since then, he's gained a few pounds and grew a few inches. He now weighs 17lb 3oz and is 26.75 inches long!!!! That's the 80th and 90th percentiles respectively!! Craziness I tell ya.

He's been babbling and laughing (whenever he isn't screaming in pain from the reflux) for a while now but he's recently added the squealing to his list of tricks. He seems to have a very select sense of humor though. Only certain silly noises, scaring/startling him and whatever it is Daddy does seems to amuse him. Although there are times now when he will laugh when he hears someone else laugh, which is super cute! He gets super excited when he sees Mommy, Daddy or Elliott Richard. (Gavin hasn't shown much interest in him so Emmett John doesn't see him hardly ever.) He's rolled over but didn't seem terribly impressed with the accomplishment and hasn't done it in a while. He can't decide between his thumb, his Nuk binkie (he'll take other binkies but strongly prefers the Nuks), and this little blanket I actually bought for Gavin like 7 years ago. He had his first bowl of cereal on Wednesday. In keeping with his tradition of being polar opposite of everything I know from raising Gavin and Elliott Richard, Emmett loves his cereal. I couldn't shovel it in fast enough. lol He holds on to toys that we hand him for a moment or two but gets the biggest kick out of reaching/batting at his hanging toys on his bouncy seat. Speaking of which, he loves that bouncy seat. He'd sit there and kick (making it bounce) all day long if it weren't for little annoyances like hunger and diaper changes. lol

We are keeping a close eye on his reflux because he is on 15mg of Prevacid once a day and he developed a hoarse voice about two weeks ago that isn't really going away. It hasn't gotten any worse, which is something I suppose, but it's not really improving either. We saw Dr. H yesterday for his 4 month checkup and 3 of the 5 vaccines he was due for. Dr. H said to give it until the middle/end of next week, if it hasn't gone away by then I'm supposed to call back and he'll send Emmett to a ENT to have his vocal cords checked out. Other than the hoarseness, Mr. Emmett John is practically perfect in every way. And quite possibly the cutest 4.5 month old in the house. ;)

The Adoption & Legal Issues

Not a whole lot to report on this front. The paperwork for the adoption has been filed. We are just waiting on the judge to sign and date them and get them back to my attorney. At that point I can drive around town and change Gavin's last name with everyone. The school is almost as excited about this as we are. ;)

As for the fact that Gavin will never see them again, well Rob is currently out having "Guy Time" with Gavin to discuss that very fact. Per the suggestion of Dr. R. So I will be sure to update you on how that went when I know more.

There is still the small matter of the contempt motion that Pam filed against me. I filed an objection on September 4th and we just learned that the courts are requesting transcripts from the court date on July 31st. (You know, the court date I didn't attend because I felt it wasn't in Emmett John's best interest?) John, my attorney, emailed Pam's attorney handling the matter and informed him of the adoption and the circumstances surrounding the adoption and the only response he's received so far was "I'll have to get back to you." This lead me to believe that Pam and/or Nick hadn't informed him that Nick no longer has any rights to Gavin. That was probably an interesting conversation. The way John has explained it to me, Pam can drop the whole case but since I didn't do what I was court ordered to do the magistrate can still try and force the jail time issue if he really has a bee in his bonnet over me. This remains to be seen, however, I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I do.

Life in General

Life in general is...well, it's life. I'm exhausted. Emmett John gets up at 4am every morning. Elliott Richard usually isn't too far behind - getting up at 5 or 6am. I'm up so I usually just bring Elliott downstairs with me so that Rob can sleep. That way if we have a few empty hours during the day I can grab a nap. I've started seeing my therapist, Nina, again. I love her. She also has a massage therapist, Kim, whom I also love. She does wonders for my fibro, which is currently kicking my butt. So overall, things are...trying to find a new sort of norm.

Okay, I started this at like 8am this morning. It's now 4pm. Emmett John is screaming because he's tired and starving. I have a raging migraine. We are going to lay down. (Woo whoo!) As soon as Daddy mows up the leaves. (Stupid lawn. Stupid trees. Stupid fall.)

First, I would like to say ''Thank you" for all the love, support and prayers. It means the world to me.

With that said, there are a few thoughts I'd like to share and some myths I'd like to address - not necessarily in that order.


Myth #1: Now that the adoption is finalized a huge weight has been lifted and our stress has disappeared. FALSE

The short version answer is that while the stress from constant legal battles is hopefully finished we now have a new stress of trying to recover and resort our lives. If you want the wordy, jumbled answer, keep reading.

Myth #2: This was Nick's last great noble act as Gavin's father. UNDETERMINED

Some will say this Myth is true. I'm not so sure. Nick made it very clear when I told him I was pregnant with Gavin what his thoughts and feelings were. He's been wishy-washy for 8 years. Never once doing the right thing for Gavin. Never once putting Gavin's needs above his own or before his mother. Why now? It really doesn't matter in the long run. I guess for the sake of Gavin we'll just go with the "noble, super father-of-the-year" theory. I don't buy it but whatever.

Myth #3: Now that the adoption is finalized, we will never have to deal with Nick or Pam again. UNDETERMINED

In theory, this is how things should go. Once the contempt motion, charges and pending jail time have been dealt with there shouldn't be anything left for them to do. The adoption is final and there's no going back on that. There are 3 different loop-holes she could attempt to exploit except they don't apply. So while in theory we should be finished with the two of them as soon as this contempt craziness is over. There's also a very real chance that she may file stupid motions from now until Doomsday simply because she can. Hence the reason for the "UNDETERMINED" label.

Myth #4: Pam and Nick are victims in all of this. FALSE

Short answer: Bull-pucky.
Long answer: Nick is possibly a small victim in all of this. Simply because A) his mother did what she did knowing full well that he would eventually become collateral damage and B) I firmly believe that a large part of who he is, is because of her. So while he is responsible for his own actions (or inactions as the case may be from time to time) he is still a victim because of her. She, however, is NOT a victim in any sense of the word. This became a "war of attrition" because of her. Everything that was nasty, ugly, bitter, hateful, vengeful, and aggressive about this legal snafu was because she made it that way. She made things ugly. She stated time and time again that her main concern was never Gavin. It was always HER. How she was going to get what she wanted. Didn't anyone care about HER needs. It was never, ever Gavin. She even went so far once as to tell Patty that she was trying to have me thrown in jail because it was the only way for her to get what she wanted. She didn't care that having his mother thrown in jail was in no way, shape or form in Gavin's best interests. She only cared about getting what she needed and wanted. To Hell with the rest of us. In my book, that makes her the aggressor and villain. Not the victim.

Oh and yes, I am fully and completely aware that she has effectively lost her grandson. And yes, I can only imagine how difficult that must be and how much that must hurt. However, she lost him because her actions led them to this point. She and Nick repeatedly did what they wanted and every choice they made - together or independently of one another - led them to where we are now. They could have been seeing him for the past 15 months and the adoption would have been a much smaller threat or possibly not filed at all. However, they didn't like the new location. They didn't like being supervised. They didn't want the new rules. So they opted to stop coming up and seeing him. In doing so, they shot themselves in the proverbial foot. I didn't do any of this to them. They did it to themselves. So yes, while I am very sure it must suck and hurt a great deal they did this to themselves. And that does not absolve her of the responsibility for her actions over the past 8 years. That does not remove the titles of aggressor and villain. At least in my book.

Myth #5: I am pregnant. FALSE

Okay people, this has nothing to do with the court battle et al. However, there are rumor circulating even though I have posted to say that I AM NOT PREGNANT so I felt that this matter should be discussed in the "Myths" forum.

So please, for the love of God and all things holy in the world, hear me when I say I AM NOT PREGNANT! There are no tiny Baby Gs growing within my belly. The only baby in our family is Mr. Emmett John. And honestly, while I'm certainly not against more babies in the future, Mr. Emmett John and I are quite content with him being the center of my universe. You see while I love to share my body with babies while pregnant and then again while nursing, I'm not sure that I could handle sharing all of me with two babies at the same time at the moment. And I don't think Emmett would be exactly thrilled to share his nummies or give them up at the moment. So please, allow me to repeat (hopefully for the last time) that I AM NOT PREGNANT! NO! NO! NO! NOT PREGNANT! I'm glad I could clear that up for you.


I feel as if I'm stuck in limbo. Maybe purgatory is a better analogy - I was in Hell but now I've been released and I'm waiting to see what happens next. Typically, in our lives, this is where the other shoe drops. Be it a lightning strike that kills our cat. Gavin has a nervous breakdown. A freak hurricane blows through Ohio. I go into preterm labor (if I were pregnant, which I stated quite clearly in Myth #5 I am NOT). Or my ex-mother-in-law (a.k.a. Pam) tries to have me thrown in jail - again. So until I get some inclination as to what's next, I'm stuck here.

Now please remember that while Hell sucks, it is all that I know. I have been a full-time resident for nearly a decade! Nick and I started dating in the Summer of 1998. The physical abuse and head games (a.k.a. psychological abuse) from Nick started not long after we started dating. The abuse and head games from Pam and Tom (Pam's husband who died in June 2003) started around the time I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. The Summer of 1998 to now is 10 years of abuse and head games.

My entire life for 10 years has been tainted and stained by them. Every choice, every decision, every everything was out of my control even though I've had sole custody since October 2003. I could only use the medical professionals the courts approved. I could move but had to stay within a 30 mile radius of my parents' house. And if I moved, I had to notify Nick and Pam and the courts 30 days before the move to give them time to object. My medical and psychological records were open season if they wanted them. Heck, my entire life was open season...my family, my friends, my activities, my job, my grades in college - you get the idea. It even came to the point where I had to cut off contact with my sister, Trisha, and her family because they were trying to use them against me. (I miss my sister so very much.) My life had to be as bland and straight-laced as humanly possible. I don't remember how to live outside of those parameters anymore.

Sadly many of you have only ever known me as I am since Nick. I was happy, funny, and fairly laid-back once upon a time. I gave of my heart freely and wore my heart on my sleeve. I don't know if that Lizze even exists anymore.

The abuse of the past decade, the nearly constant onslaught of legal battles and character assassinations has made me angry and bitter. I'm cynical. I survived by adopting a sort of state of constant vigilance. I trust very few people. The few I do trust, I question their motives constantly. I have nightmares about Pam and Nick taking me to court and taking my children - not just Gavin but Elliott Richard and Emmett John too. I jump at the slightest noises. Basically, I am the poster woman for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Over time my untreated PTSD triggered my Fibromyalgia and all that comes with it - migraines, panic attacks, acid reflux, and constant pain.

You know, I'm a pretty intelligent gal. Logically, intellectually I knew how much stress I was under. I knew that the stress only made matters worse with my Fibro. I knew that it played a huge part in most (if not all) of my health issues. I also knew that Gavin and I (and Rob and the boys as well) all have a very symbiotic relationship. Meaning that he feeds off of the emotions running through our home. I knew that the stress in our home was making Gavin's rapidly growing laundry list of psychological issues worse. I knew these things. I don't deny them. I have never denied them.

At the same time though there was little I could do. I made countless offers to Pam and Nick. I tried more times than I can count to find a middle ground, a gray area so that everyone could be happy and involved in Gavin's life without the additional drama and stress of constant legal battles. I was rebuffed. I was left with no options other than to fight the motions that were filed against me. These battles made life worse for all those involved. I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

What I didn't realize all this time, was how much of that stress I was carrying with me. I didn't realize that in "letting go" of the stress I wouldn't in fact be releasing it. That wouldn't be the end of it. I foolishly thought that in letting go of the stress I was actually releasing it. Much like you would release an animal into the wild. That I would let go and it would be gone. I didn't realize that letting go would trigger some horrible health side effects like migraines that medications don't touch and Fibro flares that left me crying and sobbing (the tears burned like the dickens - that's how bad my flare was). I've been having panic attacks. I haven't had a panic attack since I was pregnant with Elliott Richard. I'm beyond exhausted. My body is covered in hives. It feels like my body is slowly shutting down.

If this blog is any indication, well then it shouldn't really be too difficult to see how much I'm currently struggling. My thoughts are all over the place. (More so than usual.) And that's if I'm able to string two thoughts together. Most of the time I sit and stare trying to make sense of it all and yet completely unable to do so. I can't even focus on my favorite television shows anymore. By the time I get to the end, I can't remember what happened in the beginning. If my DVR didn't tell me that I had watched it, I wouldn't know I had 90% of the time.

I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. This blog doesn't make any sense. My thoughts are scattered. I started by stating how I feel stuck. I've jumped to about a zillion points after that. And I keep coming back to the fact that I'm stuck. I'm in limbo. I don't know where else to go. I don't know what else to say. And as my post title so clearly states, I can't even tell which way is up anymore.

***FYI: I hope y'all understand that when I refer to "my life" et al I truly mean "our lives" it's just that this post is from my POV. So please don't think I'm excluding the effect this nightmare has had on my entire family.

Okay, I am currently working on a long, in depth post about this week. Until I get it finished (which may take a few days - yes, it's that long) you'll have to be happy with this quickie post. So, without further ado, here's the run-down:

Monday
IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting for Gavin at 11:00am. Everything went off without a hitch. I'm really looking forward to this year. I'm hoping for an awesome year.

Tuesday
Dr. H for Emmett John at 11:30am. He has a nasty cold and sore belly. Told to watch for signs of a bowel obstruction. So far, so good.
Spent most of the day just trying to make it through to court.

Wednesday
Spent all morning killing time.
Courthouse at 1:00pm.
Attorneys met at 1:10pm.
Nick gave up his rights at 1:25pm.
Court at 1:30pm. Attorneys met with the judge. Nick signed the actual paperwork.
My attorney congratulated Rob at 1:45pm. Rob left to pick Gavin up from school.
Rob officially adopted Gavin at 2:30pm!!!!!

Thursday
Spent the day surviving after court.
Gavin had a spectacular day!

Friday
Grocery shopping. I managed to find some new milk-free, soy-free foods! (Yippee!) And I learned that Passover foods are milk-free and often soy-free, which opens up a whole lot more foods. :)

I am about to beg for your help and support blogosphere. You have been warned. ;)

Today Rob and I went to court. Gavin was in school. Elliott Richard and Emmett John were with Grandma & PaPa G and Uncle Brian (Thanks again guys!). (This was the first time I left Emmett John with anyone besides Rob. We both survived but that's for another post.)

Rob and I went to court because in the end of July Rob filed to legally adopt Gavin. Today was supposed to be the arguments and evidence as to why we do not need Nick's consent to move forward with the adoption. I say "supposed to be" because it didn't happen. I will post details but not just yet.

This is where the begging comes in...

We need your prayers, if you pray. Positive thoughts, if you don't.

I can't find words at the moment to adequately express just how important this adoption is to our family. To our wellbeing, sanity, and safety. So if you could please pray for us. And if you don't mind and would be willing, could you please pass us on to anyone and everyone you know who would be willing to pray for us.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. Without your support, I'd be a little crazier than I already am. ;)

I didn't write this. I found it on a website (blog?).

The Making of a Wife Beater

First, I will wine and dine her
Then I fill her head with fairytale dreams
All the while, telling how gorgeous she is

Just a few more moves
and I will be all set

Now it time,
to build her confidence skyscraper high, with lies
Mmm, this is a major key;
To make them fall below their foundation

Not quite finished
How can one forget these fun tools
Get her pregnant
and make her totally reliant on my money

Wooohoo, the fun begin

First a few curse words,
kneaded with some demeaning gestures
Next tighten her wallet a little more,
then start blaming her for everything
and slow down the intimacy

She’s almost ready for her first slap

I need to yell louder
and tear apart her core viciously

Its time to push her over
She’s all primed

Smack, crackle and punch
Wow, what a cool way to start my day
Now, its time to say I am so sorry over and over
and hold her tight, while I beg for forgiveness

Hey, I can’t have friends and family know
She needs to lie for me
After all, it all her fault
Once she does this, I win

Here’s my favorite part:
It’s so easy to beat on someone that loves you unconditionally
Because they have nothing left and no place to stay
And the fatherly bonus is,
my little son tommy will know how to keep his woman in place
Now you know why, I always wear a shit-eaten grin

Edward K. Deputy

I am not posting this to be enflamatory, no matter what you may think. I am posting it because it made me think. It made me sad because it's true. This is how my years as an adult began. I've often been asked "why". Why I married him. Why I stuck around as long as I did (the longest 8-9 months of my life). Just why. All I can say is, this is why. I didn't see it coming and then once it was there, once reality set in I thought I could change me. I thought I could change him. I thought I could fix it all and give Gavin what he deserves - two parents who love him. So for those of you lucky enough to never have been in this type of a relationship, this is how it begins. This is the anatomy of an abusive relationship and a wife beater...

Okay, so I've sat "idly" by and watched as this whole shared parenting thing has unfolded. I've read my husband's posts, now removed. I read all the comments that were posted. And now it is time for the Mama Bear to report for duty and squash this nonsense.

First, I feel for every husband/father that has been wrongfully judged by the courts. Obviously, I feel for them more than ever since I've been one of them for the past seven years. It isn't right that anyone - husband/father or wife/mother - is able to lie and manipulate the courts to do their bidding. Our justice system is supposed to be one of truth and justice. Unfortunately, in my experience truth and justice are rarely present in modern day courtrooms - civil, criminal or juvenile/family. Our system is perfectly flawed and often times the good slip through the cracks.

Second, I have no obligation to justify my life to anyone. I do not have to post the entire story. In fact, the very reason I do not post the story in its entirety is because a) I am currently involved in open litigation and b) to protect Gavin. I do not know you (you know who you are and you know if you are excluded in this) and therefore do not need your pity or sympathy.

Next, I tried to keep this whole legal snafu out of open court. I tried mediation. The mediator determined that my ex-husband and his mother were completely unwilling to mediate, which makes the process a moot point. You cannot negotiate with people who are unwilling to give. So please do not assume that because I am involved in open litigation that I chose to be there. I did not. I know that open legal battles are ultimately not in Gavin's best interests. However, as his mother it is my job and privilege to protect him. Unfortunately, that requires me to be involved in open litigation at this time. Such is life I'm afraid.

Also, I am not trying to alienate my son from his paternal biological family. Quite the contrary. When DCS was called (by Gavin's pediatrician) and thereby involved, my husband and I were investigated to determine if it was in fact a case of Parental Alienation. The final determination was that it was NOT Parental Alienation and in fact, we had done more than most to try and facilitate healthy contact and safe visits. When we say that they live 2 hours away; this is the truth. It is not an attempt to alienate them. In fact, while we do not enjoy the drive we are not the ones refusing to drive. They are. If you had gone back and read any of the past posts you would have learned that we had supervised visits setup here in Gavin's hometown (because it was determined by DCS and family court that they were unfit for anything more than supervised visits); however, they decided more than a year ago that they did not want to be supervised and were no longer willing to drive to see him. I had no part in this decision. And for the record, the supervision was put in place because of their actions and testimony in court - they did it to themselves. I had no part in it.

I have learned over the years that while some are meant to be doctors or lawyers; some are meant to be parents and some are not. My ex-husband most likely was not intended to be a parent; however, through actions and his own freewill this continues to be the case. When you say that "Fact is, men don't wake up one morning and say, "my wife and kid(s) need me, I'm outta here"." how would you know? Do you know every man, every father out there? No, you do not. The irony of the situation is that this is basically what my ex-husband did. When we were married he spent his time getting drunk, getting stoned, hanging out with friends, and most likely cheating on me. I spent my time taking care of Gavin.

Do you know where he was for Gavin's first birthday? No? I do. Out using.

Do you know where he was for Gavin's first Christmas? No again? I do. He was asleep on the couch. When I begged him to get up and watch Gavin open his gifts do you know what he told me? He said he didn't care and that he would see what Gavin got when he woke up.

What about Gavin's first word? First steps? That's right, he wasn't there.

Were you there the time my ex tried to put his fist through a table? No, you weren't. You didn't see that. Gavin and I did. Were you there with us while he pinned me to a door by my throat? No, you weren't. I was there. Gavin was there. We have the scars from it. You don't. So please, do not lump us in with your "evil mother/victimized father" group because the fact of the matter is that isn't us.

The fact of the matter is, you are simply generalizing to serve your own agenda. (I bet you didn't expect that I had friends who would come to my "rescue".) I do not know that it helped your cause. In fact, I'd be willing to say that it's hurt your cause because my friends defended me. Because I have people who love me and were unwilling to let your comments go. You know it's true what they say, word of mouth advertising can do more to hurt or help you than nearly every other type. How would you say your "advertising" was going now?

So there, now you know more of the back story. Do you feel better? Does it make things easier for you to spin? Does it bother you at all that what you claim to be fighting against - prejudice and unfairness - is exactly what you are perpetuating? Of course, I'm just the mother and not the father; so my injustice is irrelevant to you. Don't worry. You can justify it by saying "She must either be a really bad actor, or is experiencing the justice that is 99.9% reserved for men."? I'm truly sorry that men are victims of injustice.

I'm also sorry that women are abused and beaten and then victims of injustice as well. You won't stand up for them will you? I can't tell you how many "wife beaters" I've personally seen get away with their abuse. But don't you worry about us because we are strong and we will eventually come out on top. We don't need people like you.

So please, keep your ill-informed assumptions to yourself from now on. (After all, you know what they say about assuming...)You aren't doing your "cause" any favors and we certainly don't need your insanity around here.

I've been asking for your prayers pertaining to some issues that I had not elaborated on here. I am grateful for each and every prayer that is sent up on our behalf. I still cannot elaborate on what is going on for a multitude of reasons. However, I need to know something.

Where is God?

From where I'm sitting, he isn't listening. He isn't paying attention. He isn't helping. I'm a good Christian. I do my best each and every day be a good Christian. I follow God's laws. I follow man's laws. I strive to be a good person and raise my children to be good people. And yet, I am without help.

If I look down into the sand there are no foot prints at all. I'm frozen in place and there is no larger than life, unseen force helping me. I've been left there. Frozen. Terrified. Overwhelmed. And completely alone.

If my wavering faith, my questioning of God, makes me a bad Christian. I'm fine with that right now. I will declare it proudly!

MY NAME IS LIZZE AND I AM A BAD CHRISTIAN!!!

God isn't here. I'm looking. I'm listening. I'm talking. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. But as a mother I can only sit idly by and wait for so long. I've only just now, within the past hour, given up on God. I've only just now turned away. Until that moment an hour ago, I was waiting. I was listening so hard I could hear my own heartbeat. I was talking. I was begging on bended knee for help. And I've been ignored yet again.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't.

I do what I'm told. As a mother. A Christian (which I still refuse to be any longer). An American citizen. A basic human being. I am kind to others. I am kind to my children. I am a rule-follower. Never a rule-breaker, at least not the major ones. I go without so others don't have to. And still, I am ignored. My children are ignored. My family is ignored.

Well, I'm done being ignored. If I am meant to go this alone. If God isn't going to listen, talk, answer, help. That's fine. I'll go alone without the delusion that help is on the way. Because you know what, it's not. No white knight on a beautiful white horse is on his way to help us. I get it now. I wish I had understood it then. It would have been easier to live through knowing I was alone without help. I guess I should be grateful that I know it now.

*Where my girls at?*
I've been blessed enough recently to see "Sex and the City" the movie. I love it. But I find myself wondering the same thing I wonder while watching the television show. I find myself wondering if having a group of girls to go through life with is the norm. Are they normal? Thereby making me abnormal in the fact that my best friends are women I've never met. Or am I normal in the fact that I lost touch with my high school friends and never really became super duper close with another group of females since then?

Don't get me wrong here, I have girlfriends. I have Debbie, whom I love to bits. I have Gavin's teachers, whom I talk to about nearly everything when school is in session. I have my mom, my aunts and my cousins; as well as Rob's mom and sisters. But it just seems different. It feels different than what I imagine it must feel like to be Carrie and the girls.

So which is it blogland? Am I normal for not having a posse of girlfriends with standing dinner dates etc? Or am I a freak of nature who is missing out?

*Hypothetically, do you think...*
I was asked today if I felt (hypothetically) that having Gavin living some place else that was safe, with people I trusted would help our situation.

My answer?

I believe that once we all adjusted and "recovered" we would emotionally and mentally be in a better place.

This probably sounds mean and cruel but please allow me to explain. I feel this way because if Gavin were living some place else safe (i.e. with my parents), Rob and I would no longer have to keep Gavin separated from the boys. Our home would no longer a war zone. We wouldn't have to either reprimand Gavin or Elliott Richard for doing what comes naturally to them. (Being affectionate in Elliott Richard's case. Hating physical contact in Gavin's case.) We wouldn't have to worry about Elliott Richard or Emmett John getting caught in one of Gavin's rages. There are so many things that we wouldn't have to worry about.

Would we miss him? Absolutely.

Would we feel horrible having to separate our family like that? Without a doubt.

Would it help us all to survive in the end? Probably.

(Disclaimer: I am not asking for help, money or handouts. I am writing this blog to help you further understand exactly where we are and to get it all out of my head. So please do not take the portion below (or the portion above for that matter) as anything other than information.)

*Is it possible?*
Is it possible that the light at the end of our tunnel is a train? Or two? Or ten?

I mean there are so many things that we will work our entire lives to get out from under and still never see the light of day.

For example, we need a new home for various reasons. However, our options are limited by many things. We cannot live in an apartment, duplex, townhouse etc because of Gavin and his "something more". Which leaves buying a house, renting a house or a land contract.

There is a house we love. It belonged to a very dear friend of ours and Rob's parents/family. We are praying for a miracle to happen that will allow for us to get this house. Miracles of this type and magnitude do not happen to/for us.

We have been fighting for 7-8 years in order to live in a war zone. Every time it feels as though progress has been made and the end of the war (not just the end of a particular battle) is near, another motion is filed and we are thrown back into a life of turmoil. This battle has cost us more emotionally, mentally, psychologically and physically than anyone can imagine. Financially it has cost us $50,000 and that amount is still climbing. If we are ever able to end the war and cease paying in all ways not financial, we will still be buried under that financial debt.

We currently have a small family car. It is nowhere near large enough for our family. Especially not with Gavin and his "something more". We need a van. Desperately. My mother has offered to help us. Too bad we may have to choose between a new home and a "new" car.

Even the small things are making life more difficult. A few months ago my laptop died. It was nearly 10 years old so it was bound to happen. However, now it's gone. I'm without a laptop. And while this may not seem like a big deal to some of you, especially given everything else we have going on at the moment. For me, with Emmett John so fussy and clingy that I can't put him down I need that laptop to keep up with the Etsy store. I need it to keep listing cards. To keep bringing in a little bit of extra income. I need it for my sanity. It's gone. I don't know if/when we'll have the money to replace it.

At this point, I'm having a really difficult time trusting in God and having faith that those lights are not trains. Many, many trains.

I am completely overwhelmed. I now have what Lizze and Elliott have/had (I feel like crap) and Gavin is driving me crazy.... He will not stop talking and repeating himself. He is picking on Elliott and not listening at all.
I made the mistake of getting a game for the 360 that Gavin and I could play together. The first time he was playing it he was doing fine with the game but then Elliott touched him. Gavin completely lost it and started screaming at him and swinging his elbows around in an attempt to make Elliott go away.
All Gavin will talk about is how he wants to play the game again. I told him he doesn't get to play games when he does things like that. He could have really hurt Elliott. Gavin is just not ready for video games, even the very simple ones...
I don't know what we are supposed do. Someone out there has to know what we are supposed to do.. All of our doctors and case workers keep telling us that we have already done so much more then most parents would have done so good advice is hard to come by. We need new ideas..

My huge concerns right now are:
1)Should we let Gavin and Elliott even play together (supervised of course).
2)How do we get through to Gavin???
3) How do we do any of this without feeling guilty.
4) Do we continue to fight Lizze's ex- mother and law to protect Gavin at the expense of the entire family???
5) If we don't let Gavin and Elliott play together how do we keep them separated?
6) How do we secure ourselves financially with all we have going on?????
7) How do we protect Gavin??
8) How do we protect Elliott and Tiny???
9) When do Lizze and myself get to take care of ourselves???
10) Are we trying hard enough, if not, what can we be doing better???

These are just s few of the things I worry about everyday...There probably isn't an answer to these questions....Gavin is melting down right now because he was digging in a hole in the wall with his fingers and Lizze told him to stop. Instead of stopping he just hid around the corner and did it again. She asked him a total of 4 times and finally sent him to his room... Now he is screaming and crying in his room... I am completely lost.....

Today started out so well. Ah well, all good things must come to an end eventually I suppose.

I've got a horrible, raging migraine. One of those migraines that cause your eyes to water and blur. It sucks.

Elliott Richard is in a "terrible two's" mood today. Everything is "no", "I don't know", "why" etc. It's a good thing he's so cute or I'd be calling the nearest group of gypsies to come and pick him up! lol

Gavin is doing well. He's hanging out at Grandma and Grandpa G's until Grandma W comes to pick him up sometime in the next hour. He's huge into writing letters right now. Problem is that he keeps writing letters to my ex-husband (Gavin's biological father) asking why they don't want to see him anymore and why they won't do their homework. (When Gavin asked why Nick and Pam (Nick's mom) stopped coming we told him that they had homework that needed to be finished before they could see him again. The "homework" being the paperwork that needed filled out at the visitation location.) We tried to explain to him that we don't know where he lives, because we don't. He was upset at first. Then we explained that he could write letters to me and I would write him back and mail them to Grandma G's and Grandma W's for him. Now all is right with the world again. *sigh*

I don't know if it's the migraine, my migraine meds or just "mommy brain" but my memory is completely shot today. I am trying to fill in my new pregnancy journal but I keep screwing up the dates. This journal is going to end up equal parts ink and white out. *sigh*

Then to add salt to the wounds of the day, I've been contracting pretty regularly today. Nothing timable but they are definitely stirred up over something. *sigh* I think I'll go and try and figure out some dinner now. (Is it wrong that Elliott is eating cold mac & cheese? It was hot but he wasn't interested in it then. It just seems wrong that he's eating cold. I don't know why.)

24 down ~ 111 to go

Today has been consistent with just about everything. Gavin is REALLY struggling right now. We are pulling our hair out trying to figure out what to do. Lizze and I are both extremely sleep deprived. I have been up with Elliott on and off since 1:30 this morning. I fear this is all starting to effect him. I can see how he is effected by all of this despite what others might say. Elliott Richard is effected by this......

Today has been rough because Elliott really wants to hang out with Gavin and Gavin wants nothing to do with him most of the time. It's heart breaking because Elliott just looks so devastated by that.

We have an emergency appointment with Dr. R's nurse practitioner in the morning. We have to do something to help Gavin find his way out of this. Hopefully we can adjust some meds and that's all it will take. School starts back up on Monday and at the rate he is going it will be a complete disaster.....

Gavin is really upset now because his Grandma M. refuses to see him. He hasn't seen her or his father (and I use that term loosely) in almost 9 months and he really misses them. We used to make excuses for why they did the things they did. We don't cover for them anymore. We tell Gavin that "Grandma M. and his daddy are both adults and we cannot make them do anything". We tell him that "he has done nothing wrong but sometimes grown-ups can do things that make us sad even though they loves us".

We know he is better off never seeing them again. However, it's important to him and therefore important to us. The contact will always need to be supervised in a controlled environment because neither one can be trusted and Gavin needs to feel safe. But outside of that we completely support Gavin's desire to see them.

She is currently refusing to see him on "principle". Real world translation: "She will only see on her terms because supervised visits are benegth her". His father has simply disappeared. That for me is very sad. I can honestly say if I were in her shoes I would do whatever it takes to see my kids or grand kids. I would cross ocean's, climb mountains and certianly drive 2 hours even if I could only see them a few minutes...YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SEE YOUR KIDS..I just don't understand people.......

Well that is my rant for now. I had to stop typing for a little bit because Gavin was going after Elliott. Everything is ok. Gavin was freaking out because Elliott brushed against his hair....I am so tired... I'm sure Lizze will be posting later......


Thanks for listening.......

Today was going to be a good day. My wife was getting the weekly visit from our nurse and we got to hear the baby. Happy to report, besides all the other problems tiny seems to be going really well..

At 10:30am this morning we had a very nice woman from the county wrap around program come to our house to help us with everything we have going on. She makes resources available for us and helps us to preserve the integrity of our family. They help find respite care for Gavin and help fund other things for us. They are very good people.

We were in the process of explaining what was going on and where we were now with all of the old court stuff. No sooner did we say that Gavin's father and grandmother had disappeared 8 months ago we got a knock at the door. We had a certified letter from the courts were they live. They are seeking to have my pregnant wife put in jail for something she didn't do. We can prove everything but we still have to make the 3 hour drive appear and defend ourselves.

The problem is that Lizze cannot appear in court for obvious reasons. The court date is set for May 5, 2008. It's really cut and dry, we did nothing wrong and we can easily prove it but this woman will not stop. We offered for her to see Gavin up here (which is all we are allowed to do)but she refuses to see him unless he goes to her house. Gavin really misses her and it breaks our heart to know she won't see her grandson unless it is on her terms. She has proven she cannot be trusted so all the doctors, case workers and the court said she gets supervised visits. Those visits were to only take place when the father set them up and he refuses to do that. So we offered to allow her to see Gavin even if the father wasn't involved(because Gavin has the right to see his family in a safe, controlled environment). We couldn't give her more if we wanted to because when we ended all the court stuff last year we all agreed to work together and that the doctors would decide if and when unsupervised visits would resume.

So we now have to go to court and defend my wife. We have been told that they may not allow her to stay home regardless of the risk to her life or the baby's. So if she doesn't show up she will be in contempt of court. We are going to try to get her a reprieve. Dr. D isn't going to allow her to go if he has anything to say about it.

We spoke with our attorney today and he may not be able to represent us anymore because of how much money we owe him. This whole thing has cost us over $50,000 we still owe about $37,000.00 and all of it is because of things like this. So we are in limbo at this point and have no idea what we are going to do. We have tried everything to work with her but she is simply impossible. We are willing to allow contact but not willing to put Gavin in danger. We have the complete support of all people involved up here, however she is trying to circumvent the system by going to another county.

I have a meeting with Gavin's therapist tonight and we will devise a plan of attack. Hopefully this will go away and his grandmother will be willing to see Gavin regardless of her personal inconvenience. We will keep you all posted...

Lizze's mother is going to take Gavin for awhile because Lizze and I are complete wrecks and we have to much on our plate. Gavin is so sensitive and will pick up on the stress and react accordingly. Gavin will have a good time and Grandma gets a better understanding of whats going on with him and she will be able to help shield him from some of this. Thank You so much mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please keep us in your prayers. We need them.... Thank You

Rob and I were talking last night about a lot of things. While I was putting Elliott Richard to bed he read my blog. (He has access but doesn't read very often, which isn't a big deal since he lives it and all. lol) He said that while I'm honest I put a positive spin on things. I guess that's true. I am honest but there are things that I hold back on because for a while now Rob has been uncomfortable with the whole blogging thing. My blog is set to invite only so even if Nick or Pam managed to find my Blogger profile and try to access my blog they would see a message that says my blog is by invite only. No access. No risk. Unless one of you give them the url and your login info but since I know 99% of you personally and the rest of you either dislike them as much as I do or have no interest in them, I feel pretty safe. ;)

So I've decided that it's time for honesty. It's time for me to be a little blunt and completely open about our lives right now. Keep in mind a few things here: While I tend to be pretty honest and upfront about most things, there are some topics that are harder for me to discuss than others. Also this on again off again weather is killing me and my cold/sinus infection seem to be returning and the sinus stuff I take seems to make me a little loopy for some reason. So what I don't cover today I'll try and hit later. (Side note: I am horrible at spelling! Seriously. I apologize for any misspellings but my spell check doesn't work right now. So just ignore my typos.) Anyway, without further ado...

I have been "torturing" you guys with the fact that Rob and I know the sex of Tiny and you don't. Honestly, some of you do. Some of you don't. (Gavin doesn't even know but then if we told him we might as well tell everyone. lol) I haven't posted Tiny's sex on here because some family has access to the blog, although I seriously doubt that they exercise it. In theory I could post Tiny's sex here if I wanted to and our families probably still wouldn't know. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that my best friends (one of whom lives in NYC and the other knows who she is - hope you're feeling better, hon), my mother, my various internet moms (from all three pregnancies) and Gram (my newly internet adopted grandmother) are the only ones who really check this blog(at least that I know of because they let me know they've been here). (Tiffany, Nathan, and my Aunt Susie have access and are excused from this generalization because they have their hands seriously full at the moment.) Rob thinks I should post Tiny's sex and see who actually reads the blog to keep up with life in the our household. I don't agree. I'll know when the time is right for everyone to know and I'll tell you then. So asking (nicely or otherwise) and bribing (although fun and appreciated sometimes) won't work, so for your own sanity it's best that you not try. End of story. ;)

What's next...ah yes, money. We have none. (Can't get much more blunt than that.) Rob has "lost his job" in a manner of speaking. Rob is self-employed as a construction/contractor for a pretty big home builder here in town and the surrounding states. There is an allotment here in town that Rob has worked in since they opened it. He has been in every house in the neighborhood until now. Glen, the builder he was working for, quit. Glen's replacement (who's name escapes me at the moment) seems to dislike Rob. (We think it's because the last time Rob worked for him he was also working with a rather shady individual. Now please understand, Rob is not shady. In fact, he's one of the most honest and upfront people I know. But for a while his reputation was tarnished because he was associated with Bob before he knew the "Real Bob". Incidently, the "Real Bob" recently stole $6 off a dying 67 yr old man whom he, as a paramedic, was supposed to be saving, just to give you some perspective.) Anyway, this builder seems to be replacing Rob with someone different. This has killed our income. Right now we are living off of our income tax return but that will only last until the end of March, if we are lucky and don't buy things like diapers and gas. *sigh* Rob is actively looking for work with other allotments within the company, however, this also is the slow time of year. Homeowners are buying lots and picking homes but ground breaking probably won't happen for a few months yet and Rob isn't involved until closer to the end of the process.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Rob is self-employed for a few reasons. Could he go out and get any job to bring in something for the next few weeks, yes he could. However, that is not what is best for him or for our family. Rob has a herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in his back. He was told years ago that he needs surgery and shouldn't be doing construction. He has not had the surgery because it would require him to be completely out of commission for up to 6 months. He used to be a paramedic, a job that he loved, (He was saving a hemoraging pregnant woman when he destroyed his back.) but had to quit because he had to be away from home for 24-72 hours at a time and Gavin had become too much for me to handle on my own. To work a "normal job" Rob would have to have the freedom to sit down or stand as his back allows and needs. No employer is going to tolerate that and the pain of all the standing would kill him. When he got home, he would be useless to me and the boys. Rob does what he does to allow for fexibility in scheduling because of Gavin and his special needs. The work he does is not good for his back, by any means, but it allows for us to make enough money to survive on without requiring Rob to be away from home for 40+ hours every week. On a good day (for Gavin) I struggle to meet all his needs, however, now that I'm pregnant and already on light restrictions I am not allowed to have confrontations like the ones that are typical with Gavin. And I'm not allowed to care for Elliott Richard on my own now right either so I need Rob at home as much as time and income allow. This may sound irresponsible on our part but I assure you that this is the only and best way for us. I have made appointments to all of the agencies that may be able to help us at this point. I have calls into other contacts who may know of other assistance. We are doing all that we can at this point to plan for our uncertain future. (If you know of any help that I may not, please email me. When I say our financial situation is dire, I'm not being dramatic.)

Hhhhmmmm, where do I go from here? Ah, yes, the boys. We've been lucky with Elliott Richard. While he's technically considered a preemie, he was born at 36 weeks. That puts him a HUGE advantage over most preemies because we were able to keep him inside for 9 weeks despite the preterm labor that threatened us everyday. So even though he spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU, he's fine now. Developmentally, he's right on target.

Gavin isn't quite so easy. Gavin was a typical baby until about 2 1/2 or 3 years old. Then it was as if he woke up one day and someone had flipped a switch. Gavin was gone. Prior to the switch being flipped, he was a typical little boy. Although now that I have Elliott Richard as a "point of reference" (as Gavin's doctors put it) I now realize that there were many things I should have noticed but didn't. The fact that we lived down south for 9 months with a family doctor rather than Gavin's regular pediatrician didn't help matters any. And yes, I blame myself for that. From start to finish, I firmly believe that our time in down south while I was married to Nick was the beginning of the end for my precious Gavin.

There are many different theories as to how Autism/Asperger's comes to be. Some believe it is vaccines. I don't agree. Autism as a whole is seeing a 300% increase globally. That means third world countries, under-developed countries - essentially, countries without access to vaccines. In order for it to be vaccines, all the children in that 300% need to have exposure to the same vaccines. Others believe it is genetic, tied to such factors as extensive drug use by the parents (I used socially until I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. In my opinion, Nick is an addict.) and the advanced age of the father. I tend to agree with this a little more. Personally, I believe that Autism is much like cancer. You may be born with a genetic predisposition to cancer but not develop cancer in your lifetime. However, you pass that genetic predisposition on to your children and they may develop cancer if the conditions are right and the gene is triggered. I think either Nick or myself or both of us carried this genetic predisposition and passed it on to Gavin. Then something happened, over time, to trigger it. I believe that had it not been triggered, Gavin would have been quirky but not necessarily Autistic. But once it was triggered, Gavin was locked away inside his own mind. Too far away for us to reach.

When Gavin was young, before the switch was flipped, he was quirky. The girls at his daycare used to worry because he would not play with the other children. He would play beside them but never with them. He also refused, to the point of violent meltdowns, to participate in group activities. I admit, I was young (20/21) and didn't know what this meant. I thought he was simply angry at me for leaving him in daycare. When Gavin was a baby (9-18 months) he was very attached to me. Everywhere I went, he went. Elliott Richard is the same, only he's different. Gavin was attached to me but it was more as if I were a safe place, not a safe person. If that makes any sense. His attachment didn't seem to be emotional. As Gavin has grown, his attachments have become less emotional over time and more forced. He gives hugs because he has learned that they are expected in certain situations. Gavin will memorize a social situation and what he did that was acceptable in that moment. He will then react the exact same way every time recognizes a similar social situation. Gavin has no filter. If he sees someone smoking, he doesn't think about whether he knows them or if he should say what he's thinking, he tells them that smoking is bad and they are going to die. Then he will walk away. He has called neighbors "scary vultures" and "black monsters" to their faces. He doesn't know it's wrong. He simply thinks it and says it.

We try and teach Gavin what is right and wrong. We try and teach him that just because he feels the need to hug Elliott Richard does not mean he can drag him kicking and screaming away from his toys to accomplish it. We try and teach him that it's okay to not want to be touched but it is not okay to push, kick and hit Elliott Richard when he's trying to get Gavin's attention. The blunt truth of Gavin is that he has kicked Elliott Richard in the chest because Elliott Richard touched Gavin's foot. Gavin has kicked one of our cats down the stairs. He has tried to throw a dog down the stairs. When I was pregnant with Elliott, Gavin attacked me. He has tried to slam my fingers in his bedroom door while I was trying to get in and stop him from hurting himself. (Our house is 100+ years old and the doors are all about 2 inches solid wood.) He has clawed at my face, my eyes, my arms. He has spit in my face and punched me in the side of the head.

Gavin has no gray area. Everything in his world is black and white. He over-generalizes everything. If Person A buys Gavin at toy "just because" at Wal*Mart. Then from that moment on every time he is at Wal*Mart Gavin's believes that he will get a toy. It doesn't matter who is with him. His whole life is like that. Good and evil, with no in-between.

In our home, routine is life. Our lives are not such that our routine is on a set time schedule. However, the same things happen in the same order everday. Regardless of the time we get up or doctors appointments etc. In our world, it is always A, B, C, D etc. Never A, Z, J, V etc.

I am not telling you these things about Gavin because I want you to think him a monster. He is NOT a monster. However, he is not typical either. Simply because your pregnancy, labor & delivery were textbook followed by text book typical children, does not mean that our lives work that way. Gavin attends a special school for Asperger's and ADHD children. They have been a God send! Make no mistake the staff are ANGELS and I will take on (verbally of course) anyone who dares to tell me differently. Without them, Gavin would not be able to attend school. Public schools (as I've stated in previous posts) are not a fit for Gavin in any stretch of the imagination. I honestly do not know where we would be without them. They are all miracle workers and the best part of my job as a mother and President of the PTA is that I get to watch them work miracles everyday.

Warning: This is where my honesty is about to get bitter and angry. You have been warned.

Some things make me angry, understandablly. There are people out there who believe that they know better simply based on age. WRONG. Some believe they know better because they have typical children who all turned out wonderfully. WRONG. Some people believe that I am too strict, too structured, too this that and the other thing. WRONG.

Just because you are older than me, does not mean you have more experience than me. I have seen things in my 27 1/2 years that most of you have only read about. My childhood was not text book, unless you happen to be reading a text book about an ADHD child. My young adult years were filled with anger, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cops, court dates, legal battles...you name it and it was probably in there at some point. I did not get to go away to college. I did not get to date my soul mate for years before getting engaged, getting married and having children - in that order. The last 15 years of my life have been spent fighting for survival - my own, my children's, my husband's, my marriage.

Much of the things I have endured over the past 15 years are nightmares of my own creatation; I recognize that. I take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I will not take ownership or responsibility for anyone else's. I chose to marry Nick. He chose to abuse me in any way he could think of. I did not deserve it. I did not tolerate it. And while others are certainly within their rights to ask my advice and not take it, do not ask my advice and tell me that my opinion/p.o.v. (point of view) is wrong because it does not fit into your Bubble Gum Universe. I wish I lived in your Universe but I don't. I live in the Real World. Which is MESSY and UGLY and filled with PAIN and ANGER and nasty ugly things. While you may wish to live with your head in the sand and ignore the world outside your door, please remember that I live there and when you ignore the pain and suffering in the world...You are ignoring me!

I wish I had grown up with a deep faith in God. I wish I had a life in which that faith has never been tested and I've never been angry with God. But you know what, I haven't and that's okay. That makes me HUMAN. Some people prefer to live life worrying about what others will think. While I often take into considersation what others think, it does not run my life. I know my God. We are tight. He loves me and I love him. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to show my love for him nor for him to show his love for me. I was not married in a church. It was a civil ceremony with my parents and brother and Rob's parents and siblings. That does not doom our marriage.

I have lived my entire life clouded by judgement and none of that judgement has come from where it should - GOD. I will not live in judgement any longer. My life is not easy, even on a perfectly amazing day. My life is struggle and pain. My health sucks. Rob's back is blown. Gavin is Autistic. And by the grace of God, Elliott is "perfect" (in relation to the everyone else's issues). Gavin and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the abuse I endured and he witnessed down south. My life is not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that it is because it makes other uncomfortable. I appreciate every prayer that is offered up to God on our behalf but you know what, there are times when it would be nice if more than prayers were offered. If you really want to know what we need...Call and ask to take Gavin for the day or overnight. Call just to see how things are going. If something is going wrong in the pregnancy, ask us about it. If we don't want to talk about it, we'll let you know. If you care, sometimes it's just nice to be told or shown.

I'm tired of fake people. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am tired of fake people. (FYI...Fake people are normal people who act in a manner that is fake, shallow, self-serving etc)If you assume that we'll tell you if things are really bad, then don't be surprised when we don't tell you anything. Don't be surprised when you aren't included in the good because you don't care to be there in the bad. My life right now reminds me of that children's story about the little red hen. She gathers all the ingredients to make bread and asks for help along the way. Everyone is too busy to help with the work. Then when the bread is baked, everyone is willing to help her eat it. And that little red hen says NO, you didn't want to help me work so you won't enjoy the fruits of my labor. That's how I feel. If you can't be bothered to care about us when things suck. You won't get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. And you know what, life sucks. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be.

I'm NOT telling you these things because:
We are looking for hand-outs or hand-ups or whatever you'd like to call them.
We are looking for pity.
I am unhappy with my life.
I am trying to hurt anyone.

I AM telling you these things because:
I want to be completely honest (within reason, somethings y'all just don't need to know lol).
If you pray, you'll now know what to pray for.
If you want to help, you now know what we need.
If you ask me (or us) to go somewhere, do something etc you'll now know why we can't.
Everyone needs to know what our lives are like.
I'm tired of not sharing how I feel because it might upset people. (This is my blog. If you don't like it or can't handle it, don't read it. Most of you don't anyway.)
It's unhealthy for me to hold all this crap in.

I'll keep this short and sweet because I'm already cramping and stressed beyond measure at this point.

The Good:

I spoke with my attorney today. There was some question as to whether or not he would be able to represent me during this current legal snafu. We ended the conversation having decided that he was going to get flack from his bosses and they weren't going to be happy. However, we are currently in a fiancial crisis and we are still sending him payments. Granted they are small payments. But unless I win the lottery I'll never be able to pay off a lump sum. But he will take the flack and whatnot but will represent me. So that's the good.

The Bad:

I haven't even gone to court yet and I'm already cramping. Plus, TECHNICALLY they have an arguement. TECHNICALLY...TECHNICALLY....TECHNICALLY...I HATE technicalities!

The Ugly:

This legal snafu is going to be U-G-L-Y...UGLY. There are no two ways about it. For now, I have sent her an offer (through my attorney) for supervised visits, period. She will never have more than supervised visits. The most she could ever hope for are technically (there's that blasted word again) unsupervised visits at the supervised location. Meaning she would be at the supervised location but the monitor would not be right on them the entire time. Maybe the monitor would peek in the room or if she took him outside to their playground the monitor would stay inside and check on them through a window. But that is my offer. I doubt she's received it yet. If she recieves it and responds by refusing, I will ask my attorney to send one last letter stating that this is her last chance. If she goes forward with court and sets a date, I will withdraw the offer from the table. She will not have my offer waiting in Avenue A in case her court case in Avenue B fails. Sorry charlie.

I'm so tired. Please pray.

It always seems to go in my life that things are a trade off. Good for bad. Bad for more bad. Bad for worse. Very rarely, bad for good. I feel like I'm riding the New York Stock Exchange or something.

We need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. Long story short, my ex-husband and his mother have not seen Gavin since mid-July. It was their choice!!!! Around the 21st or 22nd of January we received a letter from our attorney with a copy of a letter from my ex-mother-in-law's attorney 2.5 hours away. She was asking for visitation to resume, unsupervised. We made the offer that she could have supervised visits, period. If she was telling the truth and it really was only about seeing Gavin, she should have accepted the supervised visits. Especially since they are in Gavin's best interest.

Unfortunately, while we were in our appointment on Tuesday, January 29th her attorney was filing paperwork seeking to have me thrown in jail, again...

I say again because in the summer of 2005, just after I found out I was pregnant with Elliott Richard she filed to have me thrown in jail for contempt of court because I had refused to give her what she wanted.

(Another long story short, at the time she had every other weekend visitation and 2 weeks in the summer. The summer weeks had to be agreed upon by both of us - her and me. Summer of 2005, she dictated the weeks she was taking. I told her no because she had set them up in such a way that Gavin would be coming home for a few days at a time between visits. She didn't want her weeks to coinside with her weekends. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. I told her those weeks wouldn't work and gave her 3 or 4 different options to choose from. She refused and stated she would only take what she wanted, nothing else. Never mind that what she wanted clearly wasn't in the best interest of Gavin. Well, we were waiting for my court date and Couny CPS (Child Protective Services) got involved and began to investigate my ex-husband so they had to drop the contempt charges. In May 2007, when the whole CPS case ended when we all agreed - me, Rob, my ex, my ex's mother - that the previous visitation agreement would be disolved and we would work with Pattie (Gavin's psychologist) on the new one. Are you confused yet? lol Fast forward...)

...Her attorney refiled the contempt charges, seeking once again to have me thrown in jail. Based on my limited legal knowledge, they shouldn't be able to do this because we all agreed the previous arrangement was disolved. The problem is that to argue and prove that I need an attorney. My attorney cannot be my attorney any longer. So I will not have an attorney to aid in my defense. The problem is that we owe over $25,000 in legal fees. For my attorney to go to defend me costs $2,000 just for him to travel down there. Never mind the fees per hour while he's in court and whatnot. He cannot defend me any more because we owe too much money already.

I need prayers. I have spent the last 9 years (including the pregnancy) fighting to protect my sweet Gavin from these people who don't understand him and don't want to. (Although I suspect that even with his own issues, Nick is trying to do what it best for Gavin. I think this is all her and he's being drug along for the ride.) I have no money to pay my attorney. And I can't find an attorney willing to take my case because everyone knows everyone else down there. I have been praying to God to help us in protecting Gavin. Yet everytime I pray for this the road just seems to get harder and steeper.

Some of you know and some of you don't, my ex-husband Nick is currently in county jail. lmao (Sorry I've been waiting for this day for 7 years.) He received his 2nd DUI in July. Fought it legally until Oct 30th when he finally pled "no contest" and was found guilty, which makes absolutely no sense to me. He received 180 days in jail (136 suspended - I have no idea where they got that number) but he had to serve 10 days. Then he got 36 days house arrest, drug/alcohol eval (he's failed every one he's had in life to this point), no license for 2 years, "party plates" (those yellow and red license plates), and "intensive probation" (whatever that means). He started serving his time on Nov 5th, so he gets out either today or tomorrow depending on what time he went in. I wonder if he had the chance to meet "Big Bubba" during his little getaway?

Elliott Richard has been relocated to his "big boy" bed. Granted, it's still in our bedroom but I don't want to completely culture shock the poor boy. He was doing really well at first. I figure it was the honeymoon phase. Now he's fine to nap for his full nap (2.5 hours) by himself in his bed. But he only makes it until midnight or so at night. *sigh* He's obsessed with the book "Too Many Bunnies". I have no idea where it came from but he loves it.

Gavin just received his 2nd level on his Orange belt in martial arts last Wednesday. He broke a board with his bare hand and everything. Very cool.

Other than that things are actually pretty quiet for once. My ex-husband was sentenced to 10 days in jail and 36 days house arrest for his latest (2nd) DUI. He hasn't been on MySpace in 5 days, which is unusual for him. I'm guessing he's serving his time with "Big Bubba". With any luck, Bubba will take a "special interest" in Nick, if you get my drift. lol

I'm ready for the "storm" to stop. Seriously. Who do I speak to about these things? I understand that life is full of "it". I get that. But I need a break. I had a shrink tell me once that everyone gets "it". Some people get a lot of "it a"t once (ie. an "it" storm) and some people go through dry spells of no "it" but they get coupons for "it" in the future. And often all of those coupons come due at once, which means that rather than a 5 pound bucket here and there they get 10 ton tubs to lug around. However, in my experience the people with the coupons get to go for LONG periods without. And I seem to be carrying 5 pound buckets around for a good portion of my life. Not cool in my opinion.

Lately I've had my uncle die. One of my friends had surgery on a turmor within her spinal cord, which burst during surgery destroying all the nerve endings effectively paralyzing her from her belly button down, probably forever. She has a 6 year old with special needs and a 20 month old. And bless her heart, she's worried about me, my fibro and the fact that I just lost my uncle. And then there's just the day to day things that seem so much larger and overwhelming right now.

Never mind the fact my "darling" ex-husband has given me until the beginning of November to give him Gavin un-supervised every other weekend or he is going to sue me for sole custody. He knows he can't win. He knows I'll bury him alive, however, this is a game of emotional blackmail to him.

He's threatening me. "I'll sue you. I'll drag you, your precious family - including our special needs son - through the emotional wringer if you don't give me what I want. So now, tell me no. I dare you. Tell me I can't have what I want. Tell me you'd rather drag him through court than give me what I want."

I can't give him what he wants anyway. Only Gavin's psychologist can make this decision and she's not giving in either. We will not negotiate with terrorists.