Cheerio Confessions

I've got pretty awesome news but I don't want to share it yet because it's not quite final.

Emmett John is having his surgery to have his tubes placed on Thursday, Sept 10th.

I have to schedule to have an EMG on my lower body to try and determine why I'm having bi-lateral leg pain and numbness. Insurance wouldn't pay for the MRI but they'll pay for the torture. Jerks. Bright side, I can take 2 Xanax before the EMG, which will help since I'm beyond phobic when it comes to needles.

Gavin's first day of school is tomorrow. So we opted to stay home and lay low today. Nice and calm day.

I'm trying to get my new organizer all set up and filled in, which is taking much longer than it should because Mr. Emmett John keeps trying to help me. lol I figure once I get that done...His surgery (15 minutes) and recovery (about 12-24 hours at home) done...And my test done...I'll be back to my blogging self. Or maybe before that, who knows. ;) lol

Please pray that his surgery goes off without a hitch.

Okay, so admitedly my Friday Fill In is a day late and a dollar short but it's better late than never, right? ;) Besides, I've been busy.

1. He was a vision of everything I'd ever wanted in man but there way no way he was the one for me.

2. September 3rd although the first day of school is a very close second is what I look forward to most this time of year.

3. My best friend in love and a forever kind of way is Rob; in a sisterly way is Trisha; in the "dog is man's best friend" way is Maggie Sue.

4. It's truly always best to be honest with (you) me because I'm one of those people where whatever my imagination comes up with really and truly will be much, much worse than the truth.

5. Appearances can be deceiving but I'm still one of those people who usually finds myself stuck to my first impressions.

6. The last person I gave a hug to was Rob and Emmett John (group hug).

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to wroking on the OME Twilight Sorority Message Boards, tomorrow my plans include hiding inside from the weather and trying to survive the flare it brings with it while blog surfing and working/surfing on the OME boards; hopefully taking Elliott Richard to the NICU Reunion and Sunday, I want to sleep in, take a nap, not have a flare, maybe wash some laundry, surf the web...SSDD!

If the Friday Fill In looks like something that you would like to participate in, just hop on over to Janet's Blog: Friday Fill Ins and get started! :)

Have a great weekend!

Historically, for the past 7 years the month of May has sucked. And not just sucked in the terms of "Oh wow, this is kind of lame" sucked. It has sucked in terms of "Next year I am skipping the month of May", sucked in terms of "deep space vacuum" sucked. (little nerd girl joke there - sorry) Every year I go into the month of May with the mindset that this year will be different. This year May will not suck. Every year since my Grandma M died on May 11, 2002; May has sucked. Positive mindset or not. Until this year.

This year things were shaping up a bit differently. This year May 1st through the 10th was great. We had our normal bumps and bruises but nothing major. May 11th was a little sad for me but nothing I couldn't handle. We made it through May 12th through the 17th. The first 17 days of May were normal (for us), calm (for us) and completely unlike May for the past 7 years. Then I picked Gavin up from school on Monday, May 18th. Allow me to explain.

Monday, May 18th, 2009

The day started out normal and innocently enough. Gavin was feisty and angry, nothing new. However, he wasn't hungry even though he went to bed without dinner the night before since he chose to pitch a massive meltdown during dinner rather than eat. This seemed slightly odd to us but we figured maybe he wasn't really hungry the night before. Maybe it had all been a power struggle. So we went about our day and then I picked him up from school at 3:00pm. Gavin decided that he didn't want to do his work, much like every other day. Only on this day he decided to try and physically intimidate one of his teachers. He tried to hit her. She stopped him. He also spent a lot of time physically assaulting himself, which led her to trying to prevent this behavior. While lecturing Gavin on our way home my sister called me. It would appear that the poo-cloud was raining on our family as a whole, not just us. That's her story though. Just trust me when I say that it's the nightmare of mothers with teenage daughters everywhere.

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

This morning I was helping Gavin get ready for school and a thought occurs to me. Here's the conversation I had with Gavin. I'm serious.

Me: Gavin, you weren't hungry when you woke up yesterday were you?
Gavin: Nope.
Me: Is that because you ate something that wasn't food? (Gavin, like most Autistic kids, has PICA.)
Gavin: Yup.
Me: Was it the strings from your blanket? (He's been known and seen Dr. H for pulling the threads out of his comforter (yes, he insists on sleeping with it even when it's 70+ outside - that would be the sensory integration disorder) and eat them.)
Gavin: No.
Me: (having a light bulb moment) Did you eat your toothpaste? Is that why you went through it so quickly?
Gavin: Yes.
Me: What other things do you eat that aren't food?
Gavin: Paper. Strings. Toothpaste. But not toe-jam. Well, not anymore. But I used to. (I kid you not.)
Me: What paper?
Gavin: The paper on my desk.
Me: Why would you do that?
Gavin: Well, I was hungry!
(Now Rob and I had checked out his desk Monday night - separately. Rob thought I had cleaned it off. I thought Rob had cleaned it off. And we both forgot to mention it to the other one. Rob and I would later figure out there were roughly 12-24+ sheets of paper (copies, construction paper, art paper, art projects, cardboard, paper scraps etc covered in copier ink, crayon, marker, color pencil, pencil, pen, glue etc) not to mention a bunch of little plastic "gumball machine toys". All of these things are now gone.)

After this conversation I took Gavin to school. A.) Because Dr. H's office didn't open until 8:00am and I didn't know what he was going to want me to do. and B.) Because at the time I didn't realize just what was on the desk. So a little while later I called Dr. H's office and spoke with a nurse. She said she would speak with Dr. H and call back but I should call Poison Control in the meantime just to be safe. So I called Poison Control and they said that given Gavin's age and size the crayon etc wasn't a concern. Their bigger concern was the amount of paper and whether or not it was going to cause a bowel obstruction. (Oy.) They told me to follow whatever Dr. H said to do.

Well as if all of this wasn't more fun than a barrel of monkeys (it wasn't) I also woke up with a very sore throat Tuesday morning. So while waiting to hear back from Dr. H I called my Dr. N and made an appointment for that morning. So Trisha, Emmett John, Elliott Richard and I left. We dropped Elliott Richard off at Grandma G's fully intending to pick him up on the way home. Then Trish and I went to my appointment while Rob waited to hear from Dr. H. I had a sinus infection, strep throat, and upper respiratory infection. I suppose anything worth doing (or having) is worth doing well.

While I was sitting at Dr. N's office, Dr. H called Rob...personally. Dr. H had already called the head of gastroenterology at the local children's hospital who said to keep an eye on Gavin. As long as he was asymptomatic there was no need to bring him in. That was before we realized everything that had been on his desk and was now missing. Once Rob explained the desk contents et al Dr. H said he wanted us to pick Gavin up from school and take him straight to the children's hospital emergency room. He said they would be the best equipped to handle Gavin and his situation. So Rob, Trish, Gavin, Emmett John and I made our way to the Emergency Room.

All told we spent 2-3 hours there. They "probed" him to be sure he wasn't blocked. Gavin loved that, let me tell you. They did x-rays to be sure that he hadn't swallowed anything made of metal, which turned out clear. Thank God. Then the Attending had to check his nose to make sure he hadn't shoved anything up there. He thought he saw a marble up there so that led to another procedure, which led to Gavin being wrapped like a burrito - something we'll be using for blood draws in the future. In the end, all was clear. The paper will pass. If there were toys, they were made of plastic, didn't appear to be causing any poisoning, and seemed to be passing with the paper. If he became sick, started vomiting, complaining of stomach pain or still hadn't pooped in 3-5 days we were to call Dr. H for a follow-up. Luckily none of those things happened. And the paper seems to be leaving the building.

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
You know, I don't remember what happened on Wednesday. Oh wait! Yes, I slept as much as humanly possible to try and feel somewhat human again. It didn't work. And when Rob picked Gavin up from school we learned that Gavin had cussed in school. However, when asked about it, he lied. This led to a giant meltdown. As Gavin was melting down, Rob and I gutted his bedroom. We stripped it of every piece of paper we could find. Every tiny toy. Every big toy. Every everything that could fit in his mouth.

While we were doing this, Jenn was watching Elliott Richard and Emmett John. And the phone rang. It was Grandpa G calling from the local hospital. Apparently, Grandma G had been outside gardening. When she stood up, she heard a *snap*. All she did was get up and she broke her ankle. Dad sounded pretty freaked out on the phone. She's okay. But she's pretty shaken up because she truly didn't do anything except stand up and her ankle snapped.

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

We woke up. Things were moving along fine. The morning was calm and quiet. Gavin went off to school without incident. Mr. Emmett John and I laid down at about 9:00 am for our usual morning nap. (Yes, my fibro is that bad that I have to take naps - usually more than one - everyday.) The house phone rang but no one answered it. Then my cell phone rang. It was the school. When the school calls, it's never good news. I answered and spoke with the school guidance counselor. Now it's important to keep in mind that I drop Gavin off at school at 8:00am. The school was calling at about 9:00am. During that hour Gavin did little else besides meltdown. All because his teachers had the nerve to ask him to write his name and do his work. He refused. You're surprised, I know. He melted down for 45 minutes. Finally, the guidance counselor decided to try and help him by holding his hand with her hand and physically helping him to do his work, not force him to do it but actually help him. This led to Gavin throwing his pencil across the room. Before holding his classmates "hostage" by blocking them from leaving the room. Then when they did get the class evacuated the guidance counselor was getting ready to give Gavin the chance to get himself under control or she was calling me. She was about to offer his that chance, when he threw the pencil at her head and missed her by about an inch. At that point, she'd had enough and she told him that she was calling Mom. She left the room expecting him to continue with his meltdown. He didn't. He followed her and cornered her in the office, ordering her not to call me. By the time Rob and I arrived at the school Gavin, the Principal, and Mr. B (the IEP Coordinator) were locked in the office with another teacher Ms. J sitting outside as a watchman. In the end, we took him home early. He spent the day in his room without toys or anything fun to do. We had plans to do his work he was missing by coming home early but the day took a very different turn once we arrived home.

While we were at the school, Rob's little sister, Jenn, babysat Elliott Richard and Emmett John. Now as I was leaving that morning to take Gavin to school, I saw a red female pitbull she was either currently nursing or had recently stopped nursing pups without a collar or tags limping through the neighborhood so I called the county dog warden. I made it very clear that she did not appear aggressive just scared and possibly injured. I just wanted her reunited with her pups and I didn't want her hit by a car. So while we were gone the dog warden showed up at our house where he is greeted at the door by Maggie Sue, our tan female Boxer/American Bulldog non-nursing with collar and tags non-limping secured dog. Jenn answered the door and Elliott Richard takes Maggie by the collar saying "bad dog...stop barking". The dog warden told her that Maggie was a pitbull and she was going to "bite that baby". So when we got home from dealing with Gavin and the school we now had to deal with the county dog warden or risk losing our beloved Maggie. Rob called them and was on the phone for what seemed like forever. In the end we had to produce copies of the paperwork from the vet stating that she isn't a pitbull and that our vet had done a temperament test on her. We also had to present her to the head dog warden for an examination to prove that she isn't a pitbull. In the end, he sided with us and ruled that she is in fact a Boxer/American Bulldog mix. Thank God for small favors!

If he had ruled against us, we would have had two choices. In our county, if you own a pitbull mix you have to have a $100,000 insurance policy, a 6 foot fence surrounding your yard and if we ever took her for a walk she would have to be on a 6 foot chain leash with a muzzle. So if he had ruled against us, we either had to find a way to afford the new fence and insurance policy. Or we were going to have to return Maggie to the humane society. Luckily, we don't have to think about that...ever again. :) When Rob left to take her to see the dog warden though. I was devastated. I am not a dog person. Period. But I am absolutely a Maggie person and the idea of having to give her back broke my heart.

Of course, what week of chaos is complete without a visit to Dr. H for Mr. Emmett John? (Have I mentioned this is his third appointment in as many weeks? We've been busy, Mr. Emmett John and I, but that's another post.) I had to take Emmett John to see Dr. H at 2:00pm because he's had diarrhea for almost 3 weeks. He isn't sick. He isn't on any medications. At first we thought it was a side effect of the Zyrtec he was taking for his allergies so we expected it to clear up once it was out of his system. It hasn't. Now it's also gotten to a point where he's loosing weight because of it. So now we find ourselves back in the familiar land of Emmett John being sick and us not knowing why. I dropped off a stool sample at the local hospital so they could run a half dozen different tests to try and find the cause. We won't have the results back until Tuesday though since Monday is a holiday.

And so Thursday comes to an emotional close. All of the up-and-down up-and-down this week so far has made me nauseous. And I usually love roller coasters.

Friday, May 22nd, 2009
We finished out the week with a fairly calm day, by the rest of week's standards anyway. Gavin went to school where the Head of the local MST program sat in his classroom and observed him for an hour or so. He was in the office for 3-4 times in that hour, so Gavin did not disappoint. Which believe it or not, for once we were actually worried that he would hold it together and keep all of his bananas, thereby having a pretty good day. It would figure, wouldn't it? A woman comes to the classroom just to see his behavior and he has a wonderfully well-behaved day? lol That didn't happen though. Thank God again.

Then at 2:00pm Rob and I met Patty at Dr. R's office for an appointment with him to discuss what to do with Gavin.

They would like him to have some pretty heavy duty, in depth psychological testing done. The problem is that this particular testing is an art when given to adults but to give it to children and interpret it correctly is even more of an art. So it's even more difficult to find someone who not only performs the test but is good at it. Dr. R is going to find the people who perform the test. And Patty will review them and pick out just the right one.

Then we discussed medications. Dr. R said he doesn't like to pick a medication and work his way through the doses. Then if it doesn't work, move on to the next medication. However, in Gavin's case he said he doesn't see any other choice. So we left his Depakote alone, although he needs more blood work done. (Thankfully Rob and Grandpa G are taking him this time.) We also left his Klonopin alone. Dr. R did make the decision to increase Gavin's Zyprexa in the hopes that it would calm him down. Right now, all it's doing is doping him up, which I suppose is better than nothing. Although truthfully I don't want him to go through life doped up. At the same time, I can't have him lashing out at people and trying to assault others.

We also discussed if Rob and I should consider a different school for Gavin. I love his school. I think the world of everyone there. However, Rob and I are wondering how long Gavin is going to be able to stay there. Also most of the staff is young and looking to start their own families very soon. Gavin is violent enough when it's just him against himself or a staff member. The last thing we need is for it to come down to Gavin against a pregnant educator. Then there's the fact that he's constantly influencing the behavior of his classmates with his outbursts and meltdowns. There are a few options that Dr. R wants us to look into. So Rob and I will probably spent the summer researching them. Then we will tour them in the middle to the end of August and make our final decision then.

Overall, I guess it was an okay appointment. Rob left feeling better about it than I did. But it is what it is, I suppose.

That was our lovely week. I'm glad it's over. Although truth be told I don't expect the next week to be much different. Nor the one after that. Or the one after that. After all, it is the last 4 days of school this week. None of them are "education days". They are all fun days. And then it's summer vacation. I hate summer vacation, for a multitude of reasons really. But basically, I reached my saturation point for stress, drama and needless shenanigans a long time ago so I just don't have the patience for any of it anymore.

Well last night Elliott went to bed a little before 7pm. That was really good because he was tired. But we soon learned that he was tired because he was getting sick. He was up all night long, waking up every 30 mins or so crying. He woke up with a fever of 100 F. Another night with no sleep is par for the coarse.

Gavin seems to have slept better last night but was up by 6am and watching cartoons. We got of to school with to many problems. This is the last day of school for the summer and we are both on edge because we know what that is going to mean.

Lizze and I have been trying to figure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be for the Elliott and the baby. We are waiting to find out if Gavins MRDD rep was able to get us funding to increase our home security system so it will monitor Gavins room at night. At this point we don't feel comfortable putting Elliott in his room unless we lock Gavin in his (which we are also uncomfortable with)room at night. That brings up safety concerns for Gavin and it will also encourage him to use is carpet as a toilet again (WE DON"T WANT HIM TO START THAT AGAIN)...

Today my goal is to try to get the kitchen caught up (it fell apart with all the plumbing problems) and laundry done.

Lizze is resting but is in a tremendous amount of pain still. She is distracting herself by working on some greeting card orders she has in right now (thank you for the orders).

Elliott is feeling a little better and is all over the place once again.

I am going to keep setting small goals and try to accomplish them.

The mail just got here and still no check. Our economic stimulus check was supposed to be here by May 30th and we still haven't seen it yet. It is starting to make me nervous (but I am constantly on edge so that doesn't take much) because our income tax return direct deposit got lost this year and was delayed because of that... I just hope it shows up eventually...


That's all for now... More later....

I haven't posted in a few days. I have been trying to keep my family together. I have been busy beyond belief.

Let me start first by saying Gavin came home this morning. For those who don't know Gavin spent the past week with Lizze's mom because Lizze and I desperately needed a break. Gavin started to not feel good last Friday. He stayed over there in order to try and protect Lizze and the baby from getting sick (because that is the last thing we need). Grandma took really good care of him and he was really having fun. However, Gavin came home this morning sick still. Needless to say he didn't go to school today and probably won't the rest of the week. That means that he will have over 2 weeks off of school because of spring break. It turns out Gavin has bronchitis. I was sick for 2 weeks with that, only getting over it last week.

And if that wasn't bad enough it appears Elliott is coming down with the same thing. Hopefully, Elliott will be spared and Gavin has a speedy recovery. All I know is that this is going to be a really long week. Wish us luck....

On a side note. I wanted to say thank you to Debbie and her family. They made us dinner and brought it over this morning. She made us chili and it was really good. Thank you for your kindness......

That's all for now. Elliott is crying.......

Elliott Richard just had to go with his daddy. He doesn't let me go anywhere without him anymore. He was so sad and pitiful that I just couldn't leave him at home while I picked up Gavin.... No sooner did I pull away from the house then he fell asleep. He is just so perfect isn't he. My little angel....




I got to the school and his teacher came out and brought Gavin to us so I didn't need to wake up Elliott. Thank You for your help and concern....

Mr. Gavin had an awesome day at school today. We are so proud of him. We love you Gavin.

I had my meeting tonight and it went really, really well. Dr. P is 100% on board with us and is more then willing to donate her time to go to other counties if need be to ensure Gavin is safe. We are so grateful that for once someone is going to stand up for Gavin. Dr. P and Dr. R are amazing and we would be lost without them.... Thank you so much for all your time. Thank you for making Gavin your priority and not the adults in his life. This is all we have been fighting for. All we ever wanted was someone to look after Gavin's best interests and we have found that with his current doctors.

Also we wanted to thank Debbie and Marc for stopping by and hanging out today. Gavin had his very first friend come over today. I cried when I told this to people today because Gavin has never had friends. He has not had even 1 friend his entire life. Gavin played Lego Star Wars II with his friend today and it was simply amazing. Most parents take for granted the simple things that come easy. We were moved beyond explanation today watching Gavin play with his friend. We hope there are many more days were that came from.

It means alot to have friends we can rely on now. It has taken us a little time to get used to the idea because our trust has been misplaced so many times before. Thanks for everything. On a side note: make sure you let me know if you need help putting that wireless card in your computer. I can talk you through it over the phone if you have problems.

I also wanted to thank my parents for stopping by to check on us tonight. It meant so much to see you guys tonight. We really needed it. Thank You.

Last but certianlly not least. Thanks goes out again to Lizze's mom for taking Gavin for a little while. We will now hopefully be able to better shield him from our stress levels for a little bit. Thank You......


We love you all. Thank you for everything.

I am writing this simply to vent.

I am so tired and overwhelmed. I have gone as far as I think I can go. Very little I do ever seems to make any major impact on our family in a positive way. I don't know what we are going to do in the coming months. I have a house on Monday but that is it for awhile. I get things here and there but nothing steady until later this spring. We just dug the foundation for the newest house so it will be about 2 months away. I get a few computers in for repair and some VHS tapes to convert to DVD and that helps both financially and emotionally. I love computers and working on them is an escape for me.

My medic card expired this week and I couldn't even afford to renew that. I haven't used it in a few years because of everything going on in our lives. I went to school 7 days a week for a year. I logged hundreds for clinical hours and have treated hundreds and hundreds of patients over the course of my short lived career. My ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card is gone and I need 200 hrs of CE in order to renew my card. I just can't justify spending $400 or $500 to recert something I will probably never use again. Being a medic was the only part of me left from my previous life (I know that might sound bad but it was the only way I could think of to describe it). I would give up anything for my family without hesitation. I think I'll have to close that chapter of my life as well now. That makes me very sad.....

Nothing we do ever seems to help Gavin anymore. I know some of you can relate to us on that one. The school says they are seeing his hyperactivity decrease slightly but the anger and frustration are returning. Lizze got to go get a small (very well deserved) break last night. She went to visit her cousin who just had a baby.

She was only gone for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity. The kids were a struggle the whole time and I swear I was going to just lose my mind. Elliott kept giving me hugs and wanting me to re-start Lazytown. I have grown very unfond of Lazytown. Gavin kept melting down over everything or bringing me pictures of "Surgery Sonic". And since I can hear everyone asking what "Surgery Sonic" is I'll tell you. It is a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog (that Gavin has been drawing, even though we try our best to stop it) cut open right down the middle with all of his organs hanging out. He then makes a maze using Sonics intestines, blood vessels and various other internal body parts. Very, very creepy. Please God, Please let the medicine work a little sooner because I don't know what to do with that stuff.

It is amazing how dependent Lizze and I have become on each other over the years. As a team we somehow survive each day. "Survive", I guess that's a great way to describe our lives right now. We are struggling to simply survive. We are living our lives second by second. There is no looking forward to anything because each day brings us yet another problem to add to the pile of already unmanageable problems... Together we seem to somehow find our why through the all the chaos. I take comfort in knowing she is there. I KNOW I would not be able to do this without her.

Poor Elliott doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He is obviously stressed and it breaks my heart to think his life is going to be anything like what we have endured. We haven't even had a birthday party for Elliott because we can't figure out how to handle Gavin and a small party at the same time. Tiny just seems to keep hanging on and we are so grateful for that. I live for the days we get to hear the heart beat. For that brief moment everything is ok. Everywhere we go Elliott is saying "Daddy,Daddy" over and over. I can't explain to you what that feels like to hear that. The unconditional love of Elliott breathes life back into me and helps me to keep going through all the back pain and emotional turmoil. I hope someday I will be able to give my family the life they deserve. Not a perfect life but a life where we can all be together and happy and healthy.

Thanks for listening...

A quick update on Lizze. She is doing about the same as before meaning she is still having problems but we have to let the meds run their course. She is still very miserable so I hope they kick in real soon because she's been through enough. Please keep her and Tiny in your prayers..

On to Gavin... We had our appointment this morning and things pretty much went as expected. We are now treating for bi-polar disorder. The list now includes Aspergers, ADHD, PTSD, Sensory Integration Disorder, OCD and now possibly bi-polar disorder as well. Needles to say this is yet another unwelcome blow. We will have to see Dr.R every week now until Gavin is better. Hopefully the new meds will work and we can re-claim our son once again. Gavin is still really struggling in school (and at home) but his teachers are VERY, VERY patient with him. A HUGE THANK YOU goes out to them again for all they do...

My turn...I have managed to get that flu that is going around. I NEVER get sick but when I do I usually end up in the hospital. I just also got confirmation that I have a new house to start in the morning. This is good news as we need the money but the timing is bad.. My brother who works for me does such a good job that our company just got put in charge of all the model homes in the area. Good work B. This doesn't directly effect us but it helps alittle.

I had a few computers come in this week to work on. I also just got off the phone with someone who managed to find our old business website: http://www.computerrenew.com/
This was unexpected to say the least but next week I have a bunch of video to transfer to DVD. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways. Hopefully I will manage to survive Friday and Monday working on the house (but please keep them coming).

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. I can't tell you how good it feels to come to this blog and see new dots on the map and read all of your kind words. I humbly ask for your continued prayers and support and hopefully someday we will be able to move forward again.

I thought we had already hit rock bottom a long time ago but I guess we were wrong. About 8 or 9 months ago Gavin was really out of control. He had become "dangerous" for lack of a better word. He was hearing voices and interacting with people and things that were not there. He was talking about death and killing things all the time and that was very concerning. We would wake up in the middle of the night and find him "watching us sleep".

Elliott was still very little at the time and we were advised to lock the three of us in our room at night. We had motion sensors to monitor Gavin's movements during the night. We weren't sure if the voices (if they were even voices) were telling him to do bad things. He had also begun lashing out at everyone, including Elliott. He would hit himself, bang his head into the wall or floor and kick anything he could when he got angry (which was quite often). He would leave bruises where he hit himself and even gave himself a black eye. He was really struggling to keep his feet on the ground. We had run out of options and it was recommended we seek inpatient treatment for him. It was the only way to ensure his safety as well as our own. That was one of the darkest, scariest moments of our lives. Hearing that there is nothing left you can do for your child but send him away is horrible. Lizze and I cried for along time. We felt like complete failures as parents. We made ourselves physically ill trying to figure out what we did wrong and what we could do better in order to avoid sending him away. Maybe if we tried just harder we could help him more. It tooks some time but we finally resigned to the fact that it is in his best interest to send him.

Then through the grace of God and his AMAZING doctors we were able to pull him through it. We finally had a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have been seeing since then are autistic related things. These were just as exhausting and overwhelming as the others but in a different way. We were no longer fearing for our safety....

However, for the past few months he has been taking a turn for the worse. Most recently in the past few weeks he has really begun to spiral out of control. His play is becoming more violent and usually revolves around dead people or people getting killed, although not by him. Today we got a letter from his teacher letting us know about what they are seeing from him during the day. They are seeing this same trend also. He is once again interacting with people and things that aren't there. They are having a VERY difficult time keeping him on task. He seems unable to remember anything anymore. He can't sit still and is constantly rocking his chair, running in place or just throwing himself around. He is becoming aggressive with Elliott (but usually not intentionally if that makes any sense). Lizze and I are at a loss as to what to do. We are so completely overwhelmed already and we are terrified that we are going back down that same road again. We have an appointment in the morning with Dr. R and will hopefully have some direction after that. In the mean time please keep Gavin and the rest of us in your prayers. He is a really great kid and we desperately want to help him in whatever way we can. Your continued thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Lizze and I have found that keeping this blog is very therapeutic.
Thanks again to all of you for stopping by and taking the time to read this. We love seeing new dots on the map :) It helps us not to feel so alone.......

I say this because Gavin and I just got home from an appointment it will not stop freaking snowing. The roads are horrible and getting worse. I wouldn't be suprised if school was canceled tonight..... While I'm writing this post I can hear my mother in the back of my mind saying "I really hope it's a snow day". She lived for snow days. She loved it when we got to stay home from school. I think she was more excited about them then we were (for those that don't know I am the oldest of 6 kids). However, things weren't nearly as complicated for my parents as they are for us to say the least. For Lizze and I, School+Gavin = Break. We don't get nearly enough of a break. But if I have to spin this into a positive way at least the teachers get a break. Lizze and I aways say they are angels. I don't know what we would do without Gavin's teachers. They are so good to him and we are very grateful for all they have done. That being said, let's all ask God for the snow to stop... FYI... If it doesn't stop then this will be me in the morning... LOL

A quick math lesson on this fine snow day.

1) Snow + Freezing Rain = Snow Day

2) Snow Day + Continued Snow and Freezing Rain = Little Hope For School Tomorrow

3) Snow Day + Snow Day = Sad Panda (speaking of sad panda)

On a side note: We don't have a clue who Chris or Megan are but thanks so much for the video.

Rob and I were talking last night about a lot of things. While I was putting Elliott Richard to bed he read my blog. (He has access but doesn't read very often, which isn't a big deal since he lives it and all. lol) He said that while I'm honest I put a positive spin on things. I guess that's true. I am honest but there are things that I hold back on because for a while now Rob has been uncomfortable with the whole blogging thing. My blog is set to invite only so even if Nick or Pam managed to find my Blogger profile and try to access my blog they would see a message that says my blog is by invite only. No access. No risk. Unless one of you give them the url and your login info but since I know 99% of you personally and the rest of you either dislike them as much as I do or have no interest in them, I feel pretty safe. ;)

So I've decided that it's time for honesty. It's time for me to be a little blunt and completely open about our lives right now. Keep in mind a few things here: While I tend to be pretty honest and upfront about most things, there are some topics that are harder for me to discuss than others. Also this on again off again weather is killing me and my cold/sinus infection seem to be returning and the sinus stuff I take seems to make me a little loopy for some reason. So what I don't cover today I'll try and hit later. (Side note: I am horrible at spelling! Seriously. I apologize for any misspellings but my spell check doesn't work right now. So just ignore my typos.) Anyway, without further ado...

I have been "torturing" you guys with the fact that Rob and I know the sex of Tiny and you don't. Honestly, some of you do. Some of you don't. (Gavin doesn't even know but then if we told him we might as well tell everyone. lol) I haven't posted Tiny's sex on here because some family has access to the blog, although I seriously doubt that they exercise it. In theory I could post Tiny's sex here if I wanted to and our families probably still wouldn't know. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that my best friends (one of whom lives in NYC and the other knows who she is - hope you're feeling better, hon), my mother, my various internet moms (from all three pregnancies) and Gram (my newly internet adopted grandmother) are the only ones who really check this blog(at least that I know of because they let me know they've been here). (Tiffany, Nathan, and my Aunt Susie have access and are excused from this generalization because they have their hands seriously full at the moment.) Rob thinks I should post Tiny's sex and see who actually reads the blog to keep up with life in the our household. I don't agree. I'll know when the time is right for everyone to know and I'll tell you then. So asking (nicely or otherwise) and bribing (although fun and appreciated sometimes) won't work, so for your own sanity it's best that you not try. End of story. ;)

What's next...ah yes, money. We have none. (Can't get much more blunt than that.) Rob has "lost his job" in a manner of speaking. Rob is self-employed as a construction/contractor for a pretty big home builder here in town and the surrounding states. There is an allotment here in town that Rob has worked in since they opened it. He has been in every house in the neighborhood until now. Glen, the builder he was working for, quit. Glen's replacement (who's name escapes me at the moment) seems to dislike Rob. (We think it's because the last time Rob worked for him he was also working with a rather shady individual. Now please understand, Rob is not shady. In fact, he's one of the most honest and upfront people I know. But for a while his reputation was tarnished because he was associated with Bob before he knew the "Real Bob". Incidently, the "Real Bob" recently stole $6 off a dying 67 yr old man whom he, as a paramedic, was supposed to be saving, just to give you some perspective.) Anyway, this builder seems to be replacing Rob with someone different. This has killed our income. Right now we are living off of our income tax return but that will only last until the end of March, if we are lucky and don't buy things like diapers and gas. *sigh* Rob is actively looking for work with other allotments within the company, however, this also is the slow time of year. Homeowners are buying lots and picking homes but ground breaking probably won't happen for a few months yet and Rob isn't involved until closer to the end of the process.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Rob is self-employed for a few reasons. Could he go out and get any job to bring in something for the next few weeks, yes he could. However, that is not what is best for him or for our family. Rob has a herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in his back. He was told years ago that he needs surgery and shouldn't be doing construction. He has not had the surgery because it would require him to be completely out of commission for up to 6 months. He used to be a paramedic, a job that he loved, (He was saving a hemoraging pregnant woman when he destroyed his back.) but had to quit because he had to be away from home for 24-72 hours at a time and Gavin had become too much for me to handle on my own. To work a "normal job" Rob would have to have the freedom to sit down or stand as his back allows and needs. No employer is going to tolerate that and the pain of all the standing would kill him. When he got home, he would be useless to me and the boys. Rob does what he does to allow for fexibility in scheduling because of Gavin and his special needs. The work he does is not good for his back, by any means, but it allows for us to make enough money to survive on without requiring Rob to be away from home for 40+ hours every week. On a good day (for Gavin) I struggle to meet all his needs, however, now that I'm pregnant and already on light restrictions I am not allowed to have confrontations like the ones that are typical with Gavin. And I'm not allowed to care for Elliott Richard on my own now right either so I need Rob at home as much as time and income allow. This may sound irresponsible on our part but I assure you that this is the only and best way for us. I have made appointments to all of the agencies that may be able to help us at this point. I have calls into other contacts who may know of other assistance. We are doing all that we can at this point to plan for our uncertain future. (If you know of any help that I may not, please email me. When I say our financial situation is dire, I'm not being dramatic.)

Hhhhmmmm, where do I go from here? Ah, yes, the boys. We've been lucky with Elliott Richard. While he's technically considered a preemie, he was born at 36 weeks. That puts him a HUGE advantage over most preemies because we were able to keep him inside for 9 weeks despite the preterm labor that threatened us everyday. So even though he spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU, he's fine now. Developmentally, he's right on target.

Gavin isn't quite so easy. Gavin was a typical baby until about 2 1/2 or 3 years old. Then it was as if he woke up one day and someone had flipped a switch. Gavin was gone. Prior to the switch being flipped, he was a typical little boy. Although now that I have Elliott Richard as a "point of reference" (as Gavin's doctors put it) I now realize that there were many things I should have noticed but didn't. The fact that we lived down south for 9 months with a family doctor rather than Gavin's regular pediatrician didn't help matters any. And yes, I blame myself for that. From start to finish, I firmly believe that our time in down south while I was married to Nick was the beginning of the end for my precious Gavin.

There are many different theories as to how Autism/Asperger's comes to be. Some believe it is vaccines. I don't agree. Autism as a whole is seeing a 300% increase globally. That means third world countries, under-developed countries - essentially, countries without access to vaccines. In order for it to be vaccines, all the children in that 300% need to have exposure to the same vaccines. Others believe it is genetic, tied to such factors as extensive drug use by the parents (I used socially until I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. In my opinion, Nick is an addict.) and the advanced age of the father. I tend to agree with this a little more. Personally, I believe that Autism is much like cancer. You may be born with a genetic predisposition to cancer but not develop cancer in your lifetime. However, you pass that genetic predisposition on to your children and they may develop cancer if the conditions are right and the gene is triggered. I think either Nick or myself or both of us carried this genetic predisposition and passed it on to Gavin. Then something happened, over time, to trigger it. I believe that had it not been triggered, Gavin would have been quirky but not necessarily Autistic. But once it was triggered, Gavin was locked away inside his own mind. Too far away for us to reach.

When Gavin was young, before the switch was flipped, he was quirky. The girls at his daycare used to worry because he would not play with the other children. He would play beside them but never with them. He also refused, to the point of violent meltdowns, to participate in group activities. I admit, I was young (20/21) and didn't know what this meant. I thought he was simply angry at me for leaving him in daycare. When Gavin was a baby (9-18 months) he was very attached to me. Everywhere I went, he went. Elliott Richard is the same, only he's different. Gavin was attached to me but it was more as if I were a safe place, not a safe person. If that makes any sense. His attachment didn't seem to be emotional. As Gavin has grown, his attachments have become less emotional over time and more forced. He gives hugs because he has learned that they are expected in certain situations. Gavin will memorize a social situation and what he did that was acceptable in that moment. He will then react the exact same way every time recognizes a similar social situation. Gavin has no filter. If he sees someone smoking, he doesn't think about whether he knows them or if he should say what he's thinking, he tells them that smoking is bad and they are going to die. Then he will walk away. He has called neighbors "scary vultures" and "black monsters" to their faces. He doesn't know it's wrong. He simply thinks it and says it.

We try and teach Gavin what is right and wrong. We try and teach him that just because he feels the need to hug Elliott Richard does not mean he can drag him kicking and screaming away from his toys to accomplish it. We try and teach him that it's okay to not want to be touched but it is not okay to push, kick and hit Elliott Richard when he's trying to get Gavin's attention. The blunt truth of Gavin is that he has kicked Elliott Richard in the chest because Elliott Richard touched Gavin's foot. Gavin has kicked one of our cats down the stairs. He has tried to throw a dog down the stairs. When I was pregnant with Elliott, Gavin attacked me. He has tried to slam my fingers in his bedroom door while I was trying to get in and stop him from hurting himself. (Our house is 100+ years old and the doors are all about 2 inches solid wood.) He has clawed at my face, my eyes, my arms. He has spit in my face and punched me in the side of the head.

Gavin has no gray area. Everything in his world is black and white. He over-generalizes everything. If Person A buys Gavin at toy "just because" at Wal*Mart. Then from that moment on every time he is at Wal*Mart Gavin's believes that he will get a toy. It doesn't matter who is with him. His whole life is like that. Good and evil, with no in-between.

In our home, routine is life. Our lives are not such that our routine is on a set time schedule. However, the same things happen in the same order everday. Regardless of the time we get up or doctors appointments etc. In our world, it is always A, B, C, D etc. Never A, Z, J, V etc.

I am not telling you these things about Gavin because I want you to think him a monster. He is NOT a monster. However, he is not typical either. Simply because your pregnancy, labor & delivery were textbook followed by text book typical children, does not mean that our lives work that way. Gavin attends a special school for Asperger's and ADHD children. They have been a God send! Make no mistake the staff are ANGELS and I will take on (verbally of course) anyone who dares to tell me differently. Without them, Gavin would not be able to attend school. Public schools (as I've stated in previous posts) are not a fit for Gavin in any stretch of the imagination. I honestly do not know where we would be without them. They are all miracle workers and the best part of my job as a mother and President of the PTA is that I get to watch them work miracles everyday.

Warning: This is where my honesty is about to get bitter and angry. You have been warned.

Some things make me angry, understandablly. There are people out there who believe that they know better simply based on age. WRONG. Some believe they know better because they have typical children who all turned out wonderfully. WRONG. Some people believe that I am too strict, too structured, too this that and the other thing. WRONG.

Just because you are older than me, does not mean you have more experience than me. I have seen things in my 27 1/2 years that most of you have only read about. My childhood was not text book, unless you happen to be reading a text book about an ADHD child. My young adult years were filled with anger, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cops, court dates, legal battles...you name it and it was probably in there at some point. I did not get to go away to college. I did not get to date my soul mate for years before getting engaged, getting married and having children - in that order. The last 15 years of my life have been spent fighting for survival - my own, my children's, my husband's, my marriage.

Much of the things I have endured over the past 15 years are nightmares of my own creatation; I recognize that. I take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I will not take ownership or responsibility for anyone else's. I chose to marry Nick. He chose to abuse me in any way he could think of. I did not deserve it. I did not tolerate it. And while others are certainly within their rights to ask my advice and not take it, do not ask my advice and tell me that my opinion/p.o.v. (point of view) is wrong because it does not fit into your Bubble Gum Universe. I wish I lived in your Universe but I don't. I live in the Real World. Which is MESSY and UGLY and filled with PAIN and ANGER and nasty ugly things. While you may wish to live with your head in the sand and ignore the world outside your door, please remember that I live there and when you ignore the pain and suffering in the world...You are ignoring me!

I wish I had grown up with a deep faith in God. I wish I had a life in which that faith has never been tested and I've never been angry with God. But you know what, I haven't and that's okay. That makes me HUMAN. Some people prefer to live life worrying about what others will think. While I often take into considersation what others think, it does not run my life. I know my God. We are tight. He loves me and I love him. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to show my love for him nor for him to show his love for me. I was not married in a church. It was a civil ceremony with my parents and brother and Rob's parents and siblings. That does not doom our marriage.

I have lived my entire life clouded by judgement and none of that judgement has come from where it should - GOD. I will not live in judgement any longer. My life is not easy, even on a perfectly amazing day. My life is struggle and pain. My health sucks. Rob's back is blown. Gavin is Autistic. And by the grace of God, Elliott is "perfect" (in relation to the everyone else's issues). Gavin and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the abuse I endured and he witnessed down south. My life is not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that it is because it makes other uncomfortable. I appreciate every prayer that is offered up to God on our behalf but you know what, there are times when it would be nice if more than prayers were offered. If you really want to know what we need...Call and ask to take Gavin for the day or overnight. Call just to see how things are going. If something is going wrong in the pregnancy, ask us about it. If we don't want to talk about it, we'll let you know. If you care, sometimes it's just nice to be told or shown.

I'm tired of fake people. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am tired of fake people. (FYI...Fake people are normal people who act in a manner that is fake, shallow, self-serving etc)If you assume that we'll tell you if things are really bad, then don't be surprised when we don't tell you anything. Don't be surprised when you aren't included in the good because you don't care to be there in the bad. My life right now reminds me of that children's story about the little red hen. She gathers all the ingredients to make bread and asks for help along the way. Everyone is too busy to help with the work. Then when the bread is baked, everyone is willing to help her eat it. And that little red hen says NO, you didn't want to help me work so you won't enjoy the fruits of my labor. That's how I feel. If you can't be bothered to care about us when things suck. You won't get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. And you know what, life sucks. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be.

I'm NOT telling you these things because:
We are looking for hand-outs or hand-ups or whatever you'd like to call them.
We are looking for pity.
I am unhappy with my life.
I am trying to hurt anyone.

I AM telling you these things because:
I want to be completely honest (within reason, somethings y'all just don't need to know lol).
If you pray, you'll now know what to pray for.
If you want to help, you now know what we need.
If you ask me (or us) to go somewhere, do something etc you'll now know why we can't.
Everyone needs to know what our lives are like.
I'm tired of not sharing how I feel because it might upset people. (This is my blog. If you don't like it or can't handle it, don't read it. Most of you don't anyway.)
It's unhealthy for me to hold all this crap in.

Gavin the Reindeer for his school Christmas Program


Gavin the Reindeer singing in the Christmas Program (He's on the far right. The only one wearing his uniform but he was comfortable so who cares, right?)


Christmas Eve at Grandma & Grandpa W's (Look at that handsome boy!)


Gavin with his shark ship


Mommy, Gavin & Elliott on Christmas Morning


Gavin putting his K'nex set together at Grandma & Grandpa G's

But only just barely, or so that's how it feels. Today was the Thanksgiving Dinner for the students at Gavin's school. Thank God for Debbie! It would have been an absolutely nightmare without her. Things went pretty smoothly. It was just a ton or work. Plus in my attempt to streamline things a bit I actually just made things more difficult. Go figure. lol

I had Parent-Teacher Conferences with Gavin's teachers in between serving the kids lunch. He's continually improving, which is HUGE! While I was sitting and talking to them the kids were watching "Fly Away Home" and when it came to a part where the daughter argues with her father, Gavin just covered his ears during the argument and uncovered them when they were done. Last year he would have flipped out! Screaming and kicking and freaking out. Even in the beginning of this year, he would have jumped up and declared he had to go to the bathroom just to get away. Not now. I can't even begin to describe how huge this is. Academically he's right where he needs to be. He's also decided he wants to be an engineer when he grows up. :)

I got home from school and I felt like I was going to pass out on my feet. Of course as soon as I laid down to try and actually pass out, I was wide awake. *sigh* So frustrating.

I spent today running around with my friend, Debbie. We had to go to GFS and buy the stuff for the Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow at school. Plus we had to pick-up the pies and cookie dough from the fund raiser. Take it all back to school. Put it away. And plan for tomorrow. Then Gavin had a psychiatrist appointment. Now I'm at home, exhausted, nauseated, and stressed to the max. And of course, I had to call about Jury Duty, which I never actually get called for when I have nothing going on and loads of freetime. Now, of course, as if I don't have enough going on, I have to report for Jury Duty tomorrow. *ARGH!* And let's be honest for a moment, the odds that I will actually get chosen for the jury are slim to none and slim went home. I have a history of domestic violence, which excludes me from most cases similar to that situation. Not to mention the fact that I've testified against a guy in another woman's domestic violence case. And for other reasons, which I can't remember right now, I'll fill out that little survey and they'll probably laugh me right out of the courtroom. The sucky part is that now poor Debbie has the whole Dinner dropped in her lap. (Debbie, you are a saint and I love you. And not just because you're bailing my butt out. *muah*)

I'm laying in bed. Trying to get some work done while the baby sleeps next to me. I'm absolutely exhausted. Partly because my migraine and tummy meds are kicking in and they make me sleepy. But mostly because the stress of life is seriously getting to me.

Gavin had his bi-weekly supervised visit last night with Nick and Pam. He's been seeing mice who he says are trying to eat him alive lately after the visits. Last night wasn't any different. He got dressed for school this morning while standing on his lower bunk so the mice couldn't eat his feet. :( Gavin also came home with two interesting pieces of information:

1.) Nick and Pam told him last night that "the lady judge said you get to spend the night at grandma's house soon". (That never happened. It's up to Gavin's new shrink (appointed by the courts) to make a determination as to what is in Gavin's best interests. But she said that they wouldn't get anything more than what they have until Nick starts taking things seriously (ie. completes his case plan and gets sober) and Pam stops making excuses for Nick. It will be a cold day before any of that ever happens.)

2.) Gavin had a karate promotion this morning. He apparently told them about it. Pam said she couldn't make it because she has to work. Nick promised to be there, which is a problem for many reasons. A.) He legally isn't allowed to see Gavin except at the church every other Sunday. B.) We all know that he wasn't going to show up. But he promised Gavin. And of course, he broke that promise.

Gavin has a difficult time making sense of the world in general to begin with - he doesn't need them making the waters muddier for him. I don't understand how they can be so heartless. I don't understand how they can play mind games with an Autistic 7 year boy. I just want to brain him.

Nick didn't show up, of course. Gavin's shrink said if he did we were to tell him to leave and have the police remove him if necessary. I was kind of wishing he would show up so that Gavin wouldn't be let down with yet another empty promise.

On a happier note, Gavin's promotion went off without a hitch. He received his orange belt and broke a 1 inch thick pine board with his bare hand!!!! :) It was SO COOL to see! Rob and I couldn't stop smiling. Rob took like 50 pictures and some video. I meant to take some pictures but forgot my camera. Not that Elliott Richard let me hand him over to his Grandmas for more than 5 seconds at a time. lol

Gavin is still at school and so far they haven't called and asked me to come and pick him up - his teacher and I agreed that if he had too difficult a time today after the lies yesterday and the let down today that she would call me and I could just come and pick him up. So I guess he's doing okay - at least I hope he is.