Cheerio Confessions

I'm done being sick.
I'm done being the downfall of our household.
I'm done being the reason nothing gets done.
I'm done being the reason everything falls apart.
I'm done being treated disrespectfully.
I'm done listening to how my illness(s) are the reason nothing gets done.
I'm done getting yelled at for over-doing it.
I'm done getting yelled at for not helping.
I'm done being treated like a second class citizen in my own home.
I'm done.

Human contact overload. Wanted: deserted island!

Every once in a while I find myself pondering, "How much is too much?" What things just should not be shared on a blog? Does such a limit exist? Or is it merely a self-imposed limit used to try and keep the peace and help maintain relationships? If it is self-imposed is there a "right time" to remove it? Do others have a say in it's removal even if they aren't an active part of the blog itself?

Some seriously major things have been going on in my life lately. I was asked not to say anything about these goings on; however, that request was made before. Before I was disowned and my family was threatened. This is now.

Now I just have to figure out "How much is too much?" before I post the details. Problem is that I can't just post part of it because it won't make much sense. So now I have to decide what to do.

Any thoughts?

So, one week ago today I posted a blog about my missing/expired driver's license. Well, as it turns out Rob didn't remember getting a card in the mail about my license because they hadn't sent one. How do I know this, you might ask? Because I just got it in the mail yesterday!

Yup, you read that right.

Wonderful, fantastic always on top of things Governor Strickland and his fantastic staff sent me my notice last week that my license had expired last month. However, his card did make sure to mention that I could drive with an expired license before they would make me take the exam again. (Gee, thanks.)

On the bright side, if he gets rid of charter schools as quickly as he sends out the expired license notices; Gavin's school isn't in any danger at all. ;)

I'm still trying to write about 5 other posts at the moment about various topics ranging from myself to Gavin to other things I can't remember at the moment. However, I've been side-tracked and it's frustrating me! There is a blog I frequent that I simply adore. Sarah at To define is to limit (a title which I also adore) has a graphic on her blog, which she gave me permission to borrow a while ago I just haven't gotten around to swiping it yet. This is what it looks like:

In case you are unable to read it, it says:

"I write for the same reason I breathe...because if I didn't, I would die."

Now I know this may not make complete sense to some of you. To others you are likely shaking your heads, saying, "Yeah, that about sums her up." Trust me what I tell you, this is me. I love to write. I live to write. Writing is who I am. Or at least it was, before I had three children.

Now writing is a dormant part of my soul. Every so often, it twitches. Like a heart that is attempting to regain it's rhythm. Sometimes I get this nagging, in the farthest recesses of my mind and imagination. Begging me to let it out, to write it and set it free.

This isn't a spontaneous occurance. It doesn't just happen. At least, not to me, anyway. It takes a spark. Something to awaken it from it's long dormant state. To nudge it and jolt it out of the coma I forced it into 9+ years ago. For whatever reason, Twilight appears to have been that.

I felt the twitch. Although I can't quite remember when. I think it was somewhere between Books 3 and 4 but I can't be sure. The twitch came. The nagging followed. Now I'm scrambling.

I'm dying to write. I literally feel as if my soul is shriveling up from within. But theywon'thelpme! The twitch. The nagging. Aren'thelpingme! I don't know where to start. I don't know what to write. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but my grammar SUCKS! Which is funny and ironic because grammar is a huge pet peeve of mine, but again I digress.

So here I sit. Frustrated to the point of wanting to scream and pull my hair out by the roots. None of my friends or family are really writers, so no help there. I'm trying music. Nothing.

I.

Am.

Frustrated.

So if I'm not around for a while. If I'm not here. I'm not blogging. I'm not commenting. This is why. I've been trying to ease my frustration with blogging and it's not working. So now, I'm off to find something else.

Plus, I just needed to vent. ARGH!

(***Update*** And now I've swiped the image and it's posted to the blog. Both in this post and above my picture to the right. You were worried. I know. Rest peacefully now. ;) lol)

Dear Neighbor,

I'm sorry that you are ignorant. I don't know why you feel that paramedics, fire fighters and cops are "a waste of space". Quite frankly, I don't care to know. I am curious though, how do you call men and women who may save you, your family or friends lives a "waste of space"? They were in our neighborhood protecting our homes from the fire in the abandoned house and all you could think to do was insult them? That's classy. Your mother must be proud.

Sincerely,
Color Me Impressed



Dear Driver Whom I've Never Met,

Accidents happen. I get it. Lord knows I've had my fair share. But you hit an animal! You hit and killed someone's dog, their family pet! He had a collar. You were too busy to stop and notify the family. Choosing in stead to leave him for others to handle. The depths of your compassion for another living creature are astounding.

Sincerely,
Not Your Mother but Still Ashamed of the Person You've Become



Dear Politicians,

I understand that you want to make a difference in our great country. I commend you for that. I have one small question/request. Would it kill you to just tell the American people something along the lines of, "Hi. My name is *insert your name here*. I am running for *insert name of office you are seeking here*. I believe *list your political beliefs here*. And I want to change our country for the better in the following ways *insert your plans for our country here*." I honestly don't care who started it, who slung mud at whom first, it just needs to stop. Seriously. I don't care who your opponent's best friend was in high school, college or grad school. I don't care if he/she egged houses or drank beer (underage) or even *gasp* smoked pot once. I care what he/she thinks about the current state of affairs and what he/she sees for our future. So just knock it off. Please.

Sincerely,
Irritated & Concerned American Citizen

The title I really want to put there is "F**K FAITH".

Yup, you read that right. I didn't because I have too much respect for those of you who have faith.

I know I've said this before but I'm done. I don't have it in me anymore to operate on faith. I woke up this morning convinced that God was going to provide for us Like He Promised. WRONG.

I just knew in my heart and soul that the van was meant for us and he would work his miracles and make it happen. That he couldn't possibly let us fall to the wayside, forgotten again. WRONG.

We did not get the van. We did everything within our power to make it happen. All for naught.

I'm not writing this to offend those of you who are so sure of your faith, so strong in it that it radiates from you. In fact, I envy you. I envy those of you who are able to be so unwavering in your faith. Part of me wishes I were like you. Alas, I am not. I can only be me and I am done.

I've been screwed, forgotten, disillusioned, abused, walked on, walked over, and generally ignored far too many times. My faith, what little I had and struggled to hold on to and maintain, is gone. *poof* There is no more to be had. I will not look for it. I will no longer struggle to maintain it. I will no longer exhaust myself clinging to it. It's gone. I will mourn it and move on.

Now this probably seems dramatic to you. Especially if you do not know me or our story. I assure you that I am not dramatic at the moment. In fact, I'm quite calm and collected. The van was just the final straw. I would say that it was the straw that broke the camel's back except we weren't lucky enough to have ever received a camel. So it's the straw that broke my faith. After everything I've been through...everything we've been through I'm done.

I will not go so far as to call myself an atheist, however, I would label myself as agnostic at this point. I do not know if he exists. He might. He might not. All I know is that it's been ages since he's shown himself to me. Since he's helped me. Since he's carried me when I couldn't walk anymore. So if he's there, I can't see him (or hear him or any other verb you care to insert there).

I've been asking for your prayers pertaining to some issues that I had not elaborated on here. I am grateful for each and every prayer that is sent up on our behalf. I still cannot elaborate on what is going on for a multitude of reasons. However, I need to know something.

Where is God?

From where I'm sitting, he isn't listening. He isn't paying attention. He isn't helping. I'm a good Christian. I do my best each and every day be a good Christian. I follow God's laws. I follow man's laws. I strive to be a good person and raise my children to be good people. And yet, I am without help.

If I look down into the sand there are no foot prints at all. I'm frozen in place and there is no larger than life, unseen force helping me. I've been left there. Frozen. Terrified. Overwhelmed. And completely alone.

If my wavering faith, my questioning of God, makes me a bad Christian. I'm fine with that right now. I will declare it proudly!

MY NAME IS LIZZE AND I AM A BAD CHRISTIAN!!!

God isn't here. I'm looking. I'm listening. I'm talking. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. But as a mother I can only sit idly by and wait for so long. I've only just now, within the past hour, given up on God. I've only just now turned away. Until that moment an hour ago, I was waiting. I was listening so hard I could hear my own heartbeat. I was talking. I was begging on bended knee for help. And I've been ignored yet again.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't.

I do what I'm told. As a mother. A Christian (which I still refuse to be any longer). An American citizen. A basic human being. I am kind to others. I am kind to my children. I am a rule-follower. Never a rule-breaker, at least not the major ones. I go without so others don't have to. And still, I am ignored. My children are ignored. My family is ignored.

Well, I'm done being ignored. If I am meant to go this alone. If God isn't going to listen, talk, answer, help. That's fine. I'll go alone without the delusion that help is on the way. Because you know what, it's not. No white knight on a beautiful white horse is on his way to help us. I get it now. I wish I had understood it then. It would have been easier to live through knowing I was alone without help. I guess I should be grateful that I know it now.

So I'm swiping a line from Mr. Rogers here. The people that you meet each day...this blog's for you. (Now I'm swiping from Bud Weiser. Lol)

Dear random neighbor,

While I appreciate your zest for life and love of family, it truly is un-necessary for you to stand in the middle of the road to discuss such personal matters as: baby-momma payments (otherwise known as child support), who the new baby-momma is (and whether it's considered 'cheating' if you are just booty-calls etc.). It definitely is not advisable to proclaim how strong you are and what a wonderful job you are doing in not "pulliing yo baby-momma out-tha-car for a beat down" just moments before you reach *into the open driver's side window* to smack your baby-momma. Not smart. Remember, avoiding angry neighbors and calls to the police is just like real estate. It's all about location, location, location.

Dear many not-so-random neighbors,

With the discovery of the automobile eventually came to invention of the horn. It's a fabulous liitle invention. Always available while driving to share your emotions when words just aren't enough. Or when words *are* enough but you really don't need them repeated (remember the situation in daycare that just got cleaned up from last month? Yeah, that's my point...)That's why we were given the horn. To replace the "eff you's" with "beep beep's". However, it is a gross misuse of "The Power of the Horn" to use it as a doorbell.

Yes, I realize that you are "busy" and very likely lost in your own head going over and over a list of everything that needs to done. But honestly, would it kill you to pull up (which you do anyhow), place the car in park (again, which you likely do anyway), and then rather than continuing with the current method (which includes leaning on your horn at all hours of the day and night until *someone* responds) you could deviate and be considerate of the rest of the block. Rather than honking us all into insanity or simply a blinding-sleep-deprived rage, you could get out and go up to the door and knock or ring the actual doorbell. Just as effective in the long run with only slightly more effort involved. Of course, if the sole purpose of using the horn is to save you from having to actually *move* (Gasp! The horrors!) then you aren't likely to knock on the door. So how about you pick up your cell phone and only disturb ONE household; as opposed to the whole block? Just a thought...

Dear dog-lovers in our neighborhood,

Just to clear a few things up that may have confused you:

No, I do not think your unleashed, unregistered, and likely very dangerous (beit by breeding or by training or both) Pit Bull is cute/sweet/well-trained (insert various adjectives here). Your dog terrifies me and I do not want to make friends with him/her. As such, you allowing said pooch to roam the neighborhood does not give me warm fuzzies. It gives me great pause and reason to call the dog warden in order to protect myself, my family and my neighbors. So save us all the time, hassels, and heart palipations and get a leash or leave Fluffy in the house.

Yes, dogs will bark. And yes, smaller dogs will usually bark more than most. (Gotta love that "Little Man Syndrome".) Admittedly, at first it did not bother me. Then I realized that it did not bother you either. Ever. I also later realized that your dogs spend nearly all day, everyday out in the fenced in yard. So rather than barking a few times a day, we now have it all day, everyday. Thank you for that. My life is now complete.

I think I'm done now. (lol)

PS This blog was meant as a tongue-in-cheek sort of vent. And odds are if you know about this blog and have read this one; it does NOT apply to YOU. :)

Rob has been updating about the goings-on in our household lately. However, there are a few things I want to say as well. (I wrote this but somehow I ended up signed in under Rob's user info. I would repost it to correct it but we'd lose the comments.)

What kind of world are we living in? That our legal system is so quick to trumpet "Family Re-unification", "Save the Family"; and therefore so quick to toss the best interests of the child to the side of the road. I'm all for family re-unification. If, and only if, it is in the best interest of the child. I'm sorry if a parent is an alcoholic, an addict, mentally ill or abusive, or they simply don't care enough to be involved. I feel for them. However, it is not our responsibility to follow these "adults" around and try and force them into roles they obviously have no interest in or are simply incapable of filling. It is not our responsibility to make sure they do the right thing. If they choose the substance, the illness or the actions above the child; they have made their choice. Why should we continue to give them second, third and fourth chances to make "the right choice"?

If I have $50 and I choose to spend it on myself rather than on my children. That is my choice. I have made it. Was it the right choice, not likely but that is something I (and unfortunately my children) will have to live with. No one is going to follow me around while I'm shopping with my $50 and ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure that's what you want?" Why should we follow these "parents" who have made their decisions around continually asking, "Are you sure that's what you should be doing?"

It sucks that the children pay the price for our follies. It sucks that they will remember someday that Mommy or Daddy made the wrong decision. It sucks that those children will likely harbor ill-will towards their "parents" for the decisions they have made. But that's life. We cannot possibly protect our children from everything because then they would experience nothing. That's not life.

Life is painful and bloody and ugly. Yet at the same time it's sweet and beautiful and joyful. When we attempt to protect them from everything, we deny them the opportunities to experience life in all it's beautiful, twisted glory.

While we can't protect them from everything; in today's legal system it seems nearly impossible to protect them from anything. Including the big bad wolf that is known and knocking down our door. Nevermind trying to protect them from the big bad wolf that lurks in the shadows and is yet unknown.

What use is it to be a child's sole custodian when your opinion in the "best interest" of your child, doesn't matter. Logically, we should be the one's who know our children best. And therefore are most equipped to say "Yes, little Johnny can handle this." or "No, that's way too much and would throw little Johnny into a tale-spin." Yet, when we attempt to do this. When we attempt to fulfill our roles as advocates for our children, the courts label it as "parental alienation" or "custodial interference". They chastise us and say, "Bad parents! How dare you!" and slap us on the wrist for speaking up.

All the while we have the "non-custodial parent" on the other side of the court room. Drunk and stoned half out of their minds and the court commends them for showing up at all. It doesn't matter that they are under-the-influence, after all, isn't it great that they showed up! "Yay for the non-custodial parent! You came to court to fight for your child drunk and stoned! Here! Have a gold star!"

How did we get here? How did we manage to jump from one extreme to the next? It used to be that men automatically received custody because they were the man of the house and society was a "good ole boys club". Then it was the mother automatically received custody because they were the mothers and it was cruel to take a child from its mother. Now it's supposed to be a fair game. It's supposed to be the child "wins" and the best parent for the job receives sole custody. But that's not quite right either. Now it's the parent with the most money, the best attorney or the smarmiest attorney (the attorney who is willing to win at all costs of self-respect and reputation), or the best connections wins.

Some people will deny this. You can tell these people by their indignation at the idea of a biased legal system. And God bless them for it. Those few people are the only ones keeping our entire legal system from sinking forever into this moral quagmire we have created for ourselves. They are the ones on the street corners protesting. They not only know what the Bill of Rights are; but they exercise those rights. Our country has found itself in an on-going popularity contest. With our citizens going with the "popular vote"; rarely going against the grain to stand up and say "I'm going to do what's right".

Unfortunately, until we can find our way out of this disaster we've created for ourselves...until we can truly become "one nation under God, indevisible, with liberty and justice for all" our children will continue to find themselves stuck in the middle. Bad parenting won't be a negative thing because what does it matter if you are a bad parent; if no one else cares. Children will be lost in the system. Hearts will be shattered and bruised and the "cure" will be getting even. Our children will continue to look in the wrong places for love. They will continue to turn to deaf ears for help. Parents and children will continue to place their faith (the only thing some of them have left) in a legal system that proclaims to protect them. Only to have their hopes dashed and their faith lost because the "good guys" rarely win. And the "bad guys" rarely see justice.

You know how they say everyone has their breaking point? I am no exception to this rule. I just can't tell if I have actually hit mine yet. I know that sounds weird but I have become so numb anymore I just can't tell. I know at this exact moment I don't think I can take anymore. I don't mean that to be dramatic but I think if anything else happens I will just break. Not in a violent way but mentally break down. I already have a hard time even putting coherent thoughts together. I don't remember anything anymore. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't feel restful and all I have anymore are nightmares.

Lizze is completely overwhelmed and in so much pain. Elliott is so stressed out he doesn't sleep more then a few hours or less at a time. I feel like he is being robbed of his childhood. We cannot play outside because A) I don't have any energy anymore and B) our neighborhood just keeps getting worse. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I know Lizze feels the same way. We don't want to go outside because or some of our neighbors and we don't want to be inside because Gavin is in there. I know that sounds terrible but he is so indescribably exhausting. I know its not his fault but it doesn't lessen the impact his behaviors have on the rest of us. I slao know I probably sound like a scratched record but it is what it is.

I know I can speak for Lizze when I say we don't want to give up on Gavin but I just don't think we can do this much longer. I know that we won't survive this long term. I know that.. No matter how much we keep pushing ourselves we just don't have much left.
It's like when you are working out with free weights. If you are doing some curls or even bench pressing you can only go for so long before you hit a fail point. No matter how bad you want to do that last rep you just physically can't. That's what it feels like.
I have to much to worry about right know to be able to cope at all. Here's my top worries at the moment:

1) The pregnancy. I could of easily lost Lizze the last time and we almost lost Elliott. That is my worst fear.

2) Keeping Lizze out of jail. I know I said they cannot get away with this but never say never. After all this is our live we are talking about. Anything that can happen will happen, regardless of the odds. If we can fend this one off what will they do next? Because apparently our lives are complicated enough already.

3) How do we ensure the health, happiness and safety of Elliott and Tiny and how long can we keep it up. We also have to take care of ourselves but when? How do I keep my family from falling apart.

4) How do we all live together. Things are only going to get worse for Gavin once the baby gets here. Worse for Gavin means worse for us. More meltdowns and more violence.

5) How do we do all of this without making Gavin feel different (I know we don't think he can perceive things like that but as his parents we assume he can) then the other kids. We don't want him to feel unloved or unwanted but he has to be treated differently then the other kids.

6) How will we survive financially? Because I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off. Retirement? What's that?


There it is. My current worries... All are very real. There are so many more but just listing these has made me sick to my stomach.

We need a miracle.. I am pretty sure that's what it is going to take to get through this alive....

That's my "completely overwhelmed, extremely stressed out and losing my mind" rant for today. I had to blow off a little steam...

Ok now the Lizze update. We had to go in to see Dr.D this afternoon because her contractions were getting really weird. They are 15 to 20 minutes apart but some were lasting 10 minutes. So we had to get checked out.. Same song different day. Nothing we can do but Tiny is doing great. We are almost 34 weeks so nothing will be stopped if she does officially start labor. So we are on edge because we really don't know what is going on but we know it's getting real close. I am sure Lizze will post more later.


Thanks

Today has been pretty uneventful thus far. My parents are taking the kids for a little while to go celebrate my Grandma G's birthday.... Happy Birthday Grandma...

We have only had 1 or 2 minor meltdowns today (Thank God). Mostly today is just not listening. It's not like he is ignoring us, or disobaying us. He is just lost in his own little world and so we are literally repeating ourselves a dozen times for everything.. It quite exhusting acctually. However, no violent tantrums so far... Great job Gavin!!!!!

Well we are going to try and rest while they are gone.

The first day of summer vacation has been a disaster. It started at 7am with Gavin beating on our door because he thought his TV wasn't working (even though he hadn't even turned it on, cause if he had he would have seen it was working). Then he beat on the door an hour later because we were sleeping to long, I guess.

I lost track of the meltdowns today. It started first thing this morning and continued until about 7pm this evening. I think Gavin scared the teller at the bank today because out of nowhere he started screaming and screaming as loud as he could. Then he started to lash out at Elliott who was trying to kiss it and make it better. Gavin hasn't listened ALL DAY LONG. I am losing my mind. Elliott is not feeling good again and keeps waking up and screaming and we are having a hard time comforting him..

Lizze isn't doing good. Her contractions are raging right now. Some are lasting pretty long and are really painful... We are living in our bedroom because we have a window air conditioner in there (Gavin can't stand the air so he hangs in his room). We have to keep the windows on the first floor closed because the people in our neighborhood are not nice and have zero class. They curse and yell and do drugs right outside my house. We cannot allow the kids to play out side in our fenced in yard because our neighborhood is going down the drain.

I keep wondering what kind of life we are giving our kids. It breaks my heart to see my family falling apart and I don't know what to do about it... Our quality of life is nothing anymore... I want so much more for my wife and kids but no matter what I do nothing works or something else happens and drags us right back down.

Elliott is screaming I got to go. Hopefully tomorrow is better....

I will keep you posted on Lizze's condition...

Well last night Elliott went to bed a little before 7pm. That was really good because he was tired. But we soon learned that he was tired because he was getting sick. He was up all night long, waking up every 30 mins or so crying. He woke up with a fever of 100 F. Another night with no sleep is par for the coarse.

Gavin seems to have slept better last night but was up by 6am and watching cartoons. We got of to school with to many problems. This is the last day of school for the summer and we are both on edge because we know what that is going to mean.

Lizze and I have been trying to figure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be for the Elliott and the baby. We are waiting to find out if Gavins MRDD rep was able to get us funding to increase our home security system so it will monitor Gavins room at night. At this point we don't feel comfortable putting Elliott in his room unless we lock Gavin in his (which we are also uncomfortable with)room at night. That brings up safety concerns for Gavin and it will also encourage him to use is carpet as a toilet again (WE DON"T WANT HIM TO START THAT AGAIN)...

Today my goal is to try to get the kitchen caught up (it fell apart with all the plumbing problems) and laundry done.

Lizze is resting but is in a tremendous amount of pain still. She is distracting herself by working on some greeting card orders she has in right now (thank you for the orders).

Elliott is feeling a little better and is all over the place once again.

I am going to keep setting small goals and try to accomplish them.

The mail just got here and still no check. Our economic stimulus check was supposed to be here by May 30th and we still haven't seen it yet. It is starting to make me nervous (but I am constantly on edge so that doesn't take much) because our income tax return direct deposit got lost this year and was delayed because of that... I just hope it shows up eventually...


That's all for now... More later....

I started this post a few days ago and I really struggled with this. I don't know if this will make any sense but it has been swimming around in my head and I needed to get it out.....

First of all I wanted to express our many thanks to all you out there that come by and visit us here, or at our card store. I cannot begin to explain to you how good it feels to know there are still caring people out there. Most of you don't know us outside of this blog but still choose to leave kind words and encouragement. Your kindness is so very appreciated. We have been living through some very difficult times for the past 7 or 8 years now. It's comforting to know people care....We will forever be grateful for your thoughts and prayers..Please know we keep all of you in ours....

Secondly I would like to re-emphasize the purpose of this blog. As I said earlier we are living and have been living through some very difficult times. We have been defending ourselves and Gavin (our 8 year old with Autism/bipolar disorder/adhd/ptsd/ocd and sensory integration disorder) from his drug and alcohol addicted father and abusive grandmother. They have been waging war on us for almost 7 years now. Even with EVERY doctor,caseworker and teacher 150% behind us, we still cannot stop the barrage of contempt motions and the psychological warfare from continuing. These attempts never go anywhere but we still have to go to court to address them. Currently there are 2 motions pending to have Lizze put in jail for up to 60 days. Again they CANNOT win but we still have to drive 2 hrs to appear in court in another part of the state and pay our attorney a crap load of money we don't have just to make this go away only for it to happen again. Lizze has been on bed rest for many months now and the stress of all this stuff doesn't help. Our attorney along with her doctor told the court that if forced to appear in court now, it could very well kill her and or the baby. The court then had to force a continuance because her ex mother and law refused to postpone court till after the pregnancy despite knowing what could happened to Lizze or our unborn son. In the end Lizze was granted about 5 days recover from labor and delivery before she must appear in court and deal with this stuff. We are hoping this will be the very last time we are put through this and we intend to close any possible loop hole that may exist to ensure this cannot continue to happen in the future.

Gavin.....

Gavin is a sweet, compassionate child with a huge heart and spirit. Gavin is also Autistic and Bipolar (just to name a few). He is struggling with every single aspect of life right now. He is severely regressed and best we can figure he is somewhere between 2 and 4 years of age emotionally. He cannot handle anything anymore. He is violent to himself and his little brother. We cannot allow them to play together because Gavin can snap in a second. Gavin is a good kid but is troubled. We have exhausted all our resources (physically, emotionally and financially)trying to protect him and ensure early intervention for his disorders. We are doing everything we can to ensure he has a good life and as bright a future as possible. Unfortunately, right now there is nothing more we can do for Gavin because he has so many problems we have to wait until he cycles down and we can pick them apart and see what is what. The most painful part is now our lives have been reduced to "ensuring the health of the healthy". The various Doctors we see have all told us that the only thing we can do at this point and for the foreseeable future is to "Physically Survive". We can no longer pour everything into Gavin because we have other kids to worry about now.

The best way to explain it is like this: Think of all of us as bank accounts. Gavin's account is always in the negative no matter how much we deposit. Elliott has a growing balance and retains anything we can give him. Lizze and I have over the years "spent" or "deposited" all our money into Gavin's account. No matter how much we deposit into Gavin's account it will never have a positive balance (at least at this point). Over the many years we have been doing this we have been beaten down so many times that we have lost all our money. What very little we have left has to be divided up between everyone. However, there isn't enough to go around. So with what little we have left, we have to figure out how to "spend" it. As I stated earlier we have been advised by the doctors to "invest" the money into Elliott and the baby because they will benefit from our efforts. This again is because no matter what we do we cannot fix Gavin. If we continued to pour money into Gavins account then Elliott and the baby would be negatively effected and we cannot allow that.

I know this sounds bad and unless your in our shoes it might not make any sense. I know some of you out there know what we are talking about. All we can do for Gavin at this time is Love him, care for him, keep him from hurting himself or others and keep trudging along. However we are to the point where residential treatment is once again being kicked around. Our family is crumbling under the years of trauma, stress and pressure. Our health is going down the drain. Pattie said she cannot believe we have made it this far for this long. She said we "HAD" to get immediate relief or we would completely fall apart and whats left of our family could be lost. She said it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when".
We had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our life. We sent Gavin to stay with Lizze's parents. My parents picked him up from school and her mom took him after work and then to school in the morning. They have been doing this for 6 or 8 weeks now. This has helped Lizze get through the past 6 or 8 weeks of the pregnancy. Gavin is in a kind loving environment and was shielded from all the stress from the pregnancy and the court things... It was the lesser of 2 evils.However, not a day goes by that we don't feel like complete failures as parents. We are reassured by his therapist Pattie that we have done "absolutely everything we can" and now we have to survive. We are and have been for a while at the point where we are having to choose between our kids. Gavin does not tolerate Elliott very often anymore. Elliott has been hit, pushed, screamed at and kicked across the floor for simply touching Gavin. Elliott is paying a very high and we owe it to him to continue to protect him from that. We have to ensure that Elliott has a safe and loving home and the only way we can do that with Gavin there is to keep them seperated. That is very difficult and not always possible. Elliott still has his toddler bed in the corner of our room because it's not safe for him to be in his own room unless we lock Gavin in his at night.
School is out for the summer this Thursday and Gavin will be back home full time again and I don't know what we are going to do.

If all this wasn't enough all of this has taken its toll on our health. Lizze has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (due to the extreme amount of long term stress and trauma), ptsd, depression and a few other things. Her body has basically turned on itself. I am suffering from a career ending back injury,ptsd,depression and degenerative disc through out my spine. Lizze and I both live in constant physical pain every single day. It makes things so much more difficult to deal with. However we push through it and do what we need to do for our family...

Wow I got off track...
Sorry about all that the flood gates opened....

SOOOOOOOO, back to the point...

This blog is our ONLY outlet. Over the past few months we have had the honor of meeting some really kind people on our blog. It has been very therapeutic to be able to use this as a forum to vent our frustrations with the major setbacks and share our miracle moments also.. We spent years keeping this all to ourselves and "sugar coating" everything because we knew its was to overwhelming for people to hear about. Since then we have come to the realization that it doesn't help us much to hide all this. So now we use this as a (most of the time) journal of our daily trials. I am sorry if anyone felt like we had different motives (ie looking for free stuff or money or anything else like that). I want to make it clear this blog is here for us to tell our story and that's it...
We have been overwhelmed by all of your thoughts and prayers, and honestly, sometimes that's all that gets us though the day. Through this blog we have found that there are indeed kind, selfless, compassionate people still left in the world and they seem to have migrated here. We are asked many times by people how they can help. Honestly, we aren't looking for anything. Your thoughts and prayers are more then we could ever have asked for or even imagined. But to honestly answer those who are asking to do more, you can feel free to visit our card store. Lizze has opened a greeting card store in an attempt to help us finacially make ends meet. So if you need a card just check her store out or pass the link along. This store is hopefully going to help us to continue to survive. Again, PLEASE don't feel you have to do anything. All we humbly ask for is your continued thoughts and prayers.

My head hurts and I need to make dinner. I hope this made sense. It sounded right in my head but that doesn't mean anything anymore...

Thank You for your support.
Please know that we keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers each day.

I'm tired of being strong. I want to breakdown like everyone else. I want to shut down. Shut off. Unplug. I'm tired of being sh*t on. (haha I made a funny. Too bad I don't feel much like laughing.)

"The Leak" was apparently the tip of the iceberg.

After spending $200.00 to fix that, we find out the whole sewage line is clogged. The only reason it's been working (for the past 5 years we've lived here!!!) is because of the 3 ft crack that was allowing "stuff" (use your imagination as to what exactly "stuff" is) out into the walls. Now since the crack is gone, the stuff has no other way out. The line is completely clogged. Rendering everything unusable. Toilets - unusable. Sinks - unusable. Washing machine - unusable. Bath tub/shower - unusable. So we had to pay another $200.00 to have the line snaked. (That's $400.00 total so far, that we didn't have. If you are keeping track.)

For the curious, here's what happens when the soil stack/sewage line is clogged. You flush the toilet in our 2nd floor full bathroom (toilet, sink, tub) - the sewage comes up into the tub. (Nice, huh?) You flush the toilet in the 1/2 bath (toilet and a sink) on the 1st floor - the sewage leaks into the basement. You turn on the washer - all sorts of lovely stuff floods the basement.

So the guy Dad G uses comes out. He taps on the cap to get to the line to snake it. The cap and a piece of pipe just fall off because the pipes are so rusted. He tells Rob that from what he can see, there has never been plumbing upkeep done on our house. The snaking will not hold for long. (The Roto Rooter guy quoted us $600.00 to snake the entire line. Making it "like new". The guy we used snaked a path through the...stuff. I'm sorry but if we don't really have the $400.00...we definitely don't have $800.00!)

The toilets are original to the house. Making them nearly 105 years old if they were put in when then house was built. Now we learn those need replaced as well. They are $200.00 a piece. (Putting the grand total at $800.00 not including tax.)

We need out of this house. This money pit. This Hell-hole!

I don't see how though. We will never get financed for a house. We don't have a down payment. Because of Gavin's "something more" we can't live in an apartment because even if the neighbors are understanding at first. Their patience will wear thin and we will wear out our welcome. I don't know where we will go. Or what we will do.

I'm honestly having a hard time holding my tongue at the moment. But Rob has asked me to do just that, for the sake of sanity...so I will. Out of love and respect for my husband, I hold my tongue.

It's true what they say; ignorance is bliss. I wish I were ignorant too. I could use some bliss right about now...

I am completely overwhelmed. I now have what Lizze and Elliott have/had (I feel like crap) and Gavin is driving me crazy.... He will not stop talking and repeating himself. He is picking on Elliott and not listening at all.
I made the mistake of getting a game for the 360 that Gavin and I could play together. The first time he was playing it he was doing fine with the game but then Elliott touched him. Gavin completely lost it and started screaming at him and swinging his elbows around in an attempt to make Elliott go away.
All Gavin will talk about is how he wants to play the game again. I told him he doesn't get to play games when he does things like that. He could have really hurt Elliott. Gavin is just not ready for video games, even the very simple ones...
I don't know what we are supposed do. Someone out there has to know what we are supposed to do.. All of our doctors and case workers keep telling us that we have already done so much more then most parents would have done so good advice is hard to come by. We need new ideas..

My huge concerns right now are:
1)Should we let Gavin and Elliott even play together (supervised of course).
2)How do we get through to Gavin???
3) How do we do any of this without feeling guilty.
4) Do we continue to fight Lizze's ex- mother and law to protect Gavin at the expense of the entire family???
5) If we don't let Gavin and Elliott play together how do we keep them separated?
6) How do we secure ourselves financially with all we have going on?????
7) How do we protect Gavin??
8) How do we protect Elliott and Tiny???
9) When do Lizze and myself get to take care of ourselves???
10) Are we trying hard enough, if not, what can we be doing better???

These are just s few of the things I worry about everyday...There probably isn't an answer to these questions....Gavin is melting down right now because he was digging in a hole in the wall with his fingers and Lizze told him to stop. Instead of stopping he just hid around the corner and did it again. She asked him a total of 4 times and finally sent him to his room... Now he is screaming and crying in his room... I am completely lost.....

Gavin came home today...


He wasn't home for very long before the screaming began..........
Elliott made the "mistake" of touching Gavin. That's all he did and Gavin unleashed on him.. Elliott was met with screaming and flying elbows...I had to send Gavin to his room because he was not safe to be around..Gavin then melted down for 20 minutes and was fine after that for alittle while.

It is extremely disturbing how quickly he can turn it on and off. How are we supposed to live like this. How are we going to ensure the safety of Elliott and Tiny without some type of segregation. It has become clear that Gavin and Elliott cannot be aloud to play together. How do we make a 2 year old understand that the big brother he idolizes cannot tolerate him (not that it's Gavin's fault). How is Gavin going to react when the baby gets here. We are forced to look into additional security features for our alarm system to more closely monitor Gavin. We are having to have door chimes installed on his door so we know when he sneaks out of his room at night. We are having to add additional motion sensors through out the house and smoke detectors because Gavin has been known to play with his outlets in the past. It feels like we are living in a prison...

We love Gavin and that is why this is so painful.. When it was just the three of us Lizze and I would just do whatever was necessary because it only effected us.. But now we have an obligation to ensure that Elliott gets what he needs and is safe and happy.I was recently asked about what I see for our future. The truth is I don't see a future, if that makes any sense. We CANNOT continue to live like this. Even though Gavin is doing loads better it is still a struggle to find that balance...

That's all for now. My head hurts and I'm really tired. Thanks for listening..

Well I haven't done an update lately so I figured that I would do it now in between loads of laundry.

First off, let me address the story of the bug battle that occurred last night. On our way home from Dr. D's yesterday we had to stop and get some health supplies for Lizze. While there I picked on one of those automatic air fresheners because of the leaking soil stack on our house doesn't always smell good and we haven't figured out how we were going to fix it. I set up this air freshener to spray every 30 minutes. So last night while watching NCIS Lizze took a potty break. While she was gone a GIANT Centipede climbed out from behind her bed and started up the wall. I wanted to take care of this before Lizze even knew about it. So...I used my special technique (patent pending) of rolling up some tape into a ball and sticking the ball onto the insect (in this case the centipede) and the insect cannot get away because it was stuck to the tape....Normally this works and keeps my freshly painted walls free from bug guts. But on this occasion just as I was reaching up to nab this thing (it was about 3 inches long) the air freshener went of behind me. The air freshener makes a relatively loud "HISS". Well as you can all imagine I have been on edge lately so it doesn't take much. At that moment it sounded like the centipede hissed at me and it scared the crap out of me. It fell on the bed and ran behind it. It's actually pretty funny now. Anyways I caught up with it a few minutes later and it was evicted from my house.....

On to Gavin now. Most of you are aware that Gavin has been spending some time at his Grandparents as we try to hold everything together and keep him from going into another manic phase.... He seems to be doing better most of the time....When he comes home he does much better the he was. We seem to have the bi-polar under control for the time being... The autistic symptoms however are another story. He does seem to get along better with Elliott lately which is great because Elliott just wants to hang out with his big brother....Gavin normally won't tolerate him at all. This is very hard on Elliott because he doesn't understand...We are noticing that when Gavin is home Elliott won't sleep at night. He is up about every hour through out the night crying..When Gavin is not home Elliott sleeps through the night without problems. This has happened every time. We haven't figured exactly what is causing this but we do know that Gavin's behaviors are scaring Elliott and stressing him. I see Dr. R in the morning and we will discuss how to handle this. When Elliott doesn't sleep we don't sleep. So we need to figure this out.

Lizze sounds terrible but her cough is becoming more progressive which is good. Hopefully she will begin feeling better soon and things will be easier for her. Elliott seems to be feeling alittle better since the antibiotics so that is also good.
My back has gone out again. But then again it is always out so that is nothing new. But I can't remember it ever hurting this bad. Whenever this happens it take me a few weeks to adjust to the pain and get used to it. So I hope the weeks go by quickly:)

That's all for now....

PS: I also wanted to say hello to the people visiting us from EBay..Thanks for looking at our auctions......