Cheerio Confessions

What Tiny's been up to this week: We have two more ounces! Your "getting bigger-n-better by the minute baby" is already up to 7 ounces and 6 inches! This is a big week for their baby skin. There are now two distinct layers—the epidermis (or the surface skin) and dermis. Currently, their skin is covered with a greasy, waxy, cheese-like substance, known as vernix caseosa. Sure, it sounds pretty nasty, but this mixture of fatty secretions covering your little swimmer from head to toe is the best way to protect their oh-so-thin skin from bruising and abrasions as well as chapping caused by amniotic fluid exposure (and your little one is swimming in that stuff!). Still don’t like the fact your little darling is currently slathered in fatty cream like a greased pig? Well, you know the birthing process? Where you have to push something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a grape? That adorable little greased piglet would have a lot harder time getting through the birth canal without the vernix caseosa. Fun fact for momma’s with baby girls: it’s a uterus within a uterus! Your little girl will have developed a uterus and vagina canal by the end of this week.

Tiny has certainly been a busy little bee this week. I've been feeling more and more movement every day, although it's still a little muted from the placement of the placenta. The other night I was laying in bed after helping Elliott Richard fall back to sleep and I could feel the unmistakable "bomp bomp bomp" of the hiccups. :) Pregnancy is so amazing!

Update on the weekly progesterone shots: I spoke with Lori, one of the nurses at Dr. D's office. She said that I am the first patient ever to have been recommended the shots by my insurance company. Usually Dr. D requests the shots and the insurance company fights them on it. So when the insurance company suggested the injections, Dr. D jumped at the opportunity. So now I just have to wait for the nurse to call and set up my weekly appointments.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

It feels like my phone has rang non-stop all day yesterday. A few phone calls were just personal in nature. However, one of the phone calls was from a nurse with my insurance agency. Apparently they've just figured out that I'm pregnant and wanted to offer their assistance. They've set me up with a case manager to act as my liaison for all of my needs and whatnot throughout the pregnancy. Which is going to help in more ways than one. My case worker will be able to help me with services we need. She'll also be able to help me when the time comes for the blood thinners to start since it takes some special authorization to get them in the pre-filled syringes.

While I was talking to that first nurse she asked a bunch of questions about my previous pregnancies. So of course the topic of my preterm labor at 27 weeks with Elliott Richard came up, as well as all of my other complications throughout the pregnancy. So since I had preterm labor starting at 27 weeks and he born at 36 weeks, technically premature, that qualifies me for some certain things; which the nurse referred me for. The big thing at this point are weekly progesterone injections. There have been studies done that say that women with a history of preterm labor are 33% less likely to have preterm labor again if they receive these injections. On the one hand I'm excited because the way it works is that I'll have a standing weekly appointment with a visiting nurse. She'll come, take my vitals, check Tiny, listen to the heartbeat, assess me for signs of preterm labor and give me my injection.

I know that it will be very reassuring for me to have those weekly appointments. Just to have the opportunity to hear Tiny's heartbeat once a week independently of my appointments with Dr. D. At the same time though, I'm still doing research and trying to figure out if there are side effects that would lead me to not have the injections. So far, I've found some posts about a higher risk of hypospadias. But since Tiny's parts are all already formed it shouldn't affect us.

I've called Dr. D to get their opinions just to be sure. Although he had to send the referral after my case worker sent him the suggestion that I might benefit from the injections. So I'm sure he's okay with it. I just want to be sure. If he's on board, then I just have to wait for my insurance to approve what they suggested (how's that for slightly screwy? lol) and then set up my weekly dates with a needle and Tiny's heartbeat. :)

I saw this the other day and then recieved about 1,000 forwards since then so I thought I would share. Very moving. Watch and you will see what I mean.....

There is going to be a total lunar eclipse tonight. The main event begins at 9:01 p.m. ET, when the moon is completely covered by the darkest part of Earth's shadow. That translates to 8:01 p.m. CT, 7:01 p.m. MT and 6:01 p.m. PT. The total phase of the eclipse lasts 51 minutes, and the moon starts coming out of the darkest shadow, or umbra, at 9:52 p.m. ET.

I can't believe that it's only Tuesday. Oy. It seems so much later in the week.

Yesterday was insanity. I just tried to go to the grocery store. That's it. And it all went downhill from there. Gavin was hyper and "stimming" (stimulating behaviors used for the purpose of self-soothing) the whole time. Then my debit card wouldn't work so Rob had to bring me his and of course rather than suspending the transaction like he was supposed to, the manager voided the whole thing out. *sigh* So once I got back in the store with Rob's debit card I had to wait while she rang up all $150 worth of groceries again. When she had finished the total was $6 cheaper than it was the first time. *head desk* So then we spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what was off. Finally the manager (different from the one who voided the transaction) said to just let me pay and go home.

Some where during all of the Elliott carrying, cart pushing, dashing back and forth after debit cards etc I twisted my right knee, which is weakened anyway from an old gymnastics injury. So now my right knee is swollen and killing me! I have a knee brace with steel re-inforcements on both sides of my knees, that of course I can't find. *sigh*

Today has been pretty quiet. Elliott Richard and I had to have my car in to the Saturn dealership for repairs. Apparently there has been a recall of one of the belts and they need to replace it. While it's in there Rob and I decided to have the oil changed as well. So now I'm home with my nifty Pontiac Grand Prix rental car waiting to pick Gavin up from school and then go get my car back.

I'm still sick too. I think I'm getting worse but I'm not bad enough that the Dr. D could actually do anything for me. It just sucks. I'm stuffed up, coughing (as if both lungs are threatening to come up), my whole body hurts (especially my chest from all this coughing) and I think I'm starting to get a fever because my eyes are starting to burn they way they do when I'm spiking a fever. (I haven't taken my temp yet because the thermometer is upstairs and me and my bad knee are downstairs.) I just feel like poo.

It just feels like life is getting crazier by the day. So I have decided I would like off the roller coaster for a while. Please?

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow. In 2 weeks time, I'll be exactly half way there. Slowly over the last week or so my hands have begun to swell. It's mostly in the morning and usually goes away by lunch. Although the swelling is making it rather diffcult to get my engagement ring, wedding band and Grandmother's ring off my fingers. I think I'm going to have to find a silver chain somewhere so that I can just switch over to wearing my rings on a chain around my neck for the rest of the pregnancy.

A friend of mine (Thanks Amanda!) sent me a link for an article about the fall-out/follow up from the whole BB9 fiasco. A part of me recognizes that CBS has no real control over the houseguests. A part of me also feels that if other houseguests have been kicked off for racists comments, then it's time to follow that up here. Something needs to be done. In BB8 a houseguest broke the house rules and BB brought about consequences for it. They need to find a consequence for this.

I'm sick, again. It would appear that I have that nasty cold thing that turns horribly nasty overnight. I feel like I've been run over by a semi, which keeps backing up over me again every once in a while.

I just wanted to post something real quick before I return to my couch. I stumbled upon this story on MSN.com's main page. It's a story about a 1 yr old who surrived a tornado but lost his mother. It could be a combo of hormones, complete overload and being sick. But I sobbed while I read the story. What a miracle, little "Tumbleweed" is.

Back to my couch, now.

Yup, Rob and I have picked out a name. Too bad I can't tell you what it is because then you'd know Tiny's sex. It's a shame because it's a cute name. Ah well, you'll find out in 4.5 months. :p lol

My poor body is so confused. To look outside, it appears to be later than 8:00am. To listen to my body, it's more like 3 or 4 am. *sigh* I feel like poo. I don't know if I'm having a Fibro flare or if I'm coming down with some nasty bug. I've been lucky so far this pregnancy in that I haven't had any Fibro flares yet. Rob did some research on pregnancy and Fibro. Apparently, if you start the pregnancy in the midst of a flare there's a good chance the flare could last most, if not all, of the pregnancy. However, if you start the pregnancy while you are not experiencing a flare or any major symptoms, there is a small chance that the Fibro may not come back. I was hoping for the latter but it doesn't appear I'll be that lucky.

Of course, I could have just over-done things more than I realized yesterday. I had some running around to do and then I picked Gavin up at my parents house. After that I wanted to take the boys to an indoor playland at McDonald's so they could get some wiggles out. The winter weather is killing us all but them especially because they have no room to wiggle. lol So I called my BFF Debbie to see if she wanted to meet us with her son, Marc. (Marc and Gavin were in the same class last year.)

So we all met at McDonald's and had lunch. Then Gavin and Marc played in the playland for a while before Debbie and I decided to check out The Flower Factory, which is never a good idea for me when I can't actually buy anything. lol But we had fun. Gavin and Marc did really well. Elliott Richard was a champ considering it was way past his nap time and he was exhausted. And Debbie and I got to pretend for a little while that we didn't have the weight of the world on our shoulders. :) We will definitely have to do that again, soon!

Of course, I couldn't leave my day at that because that would have been the sensible thing to do. lol Once we got home I put Elliott Richard to bed (he had fallen asleep in the car 5 minutes before we got home) and relaxed for a little while. Once he woke up I tackled my bedroom. I had baskets and baskets of clean clothes that had been folded but never sorted or put away. I put them away. Then I needed to use the Linen Closet but couldn't because it had become a sort of "catch all/junk closet" so I cleaned it out. I pitched a ton of stuff! :) Then I reorganized the closet so that some of the space/drawers could be used to store my PTA stuff. So I put some of the PTA stuff away so that Elliott Richard can't keep playing with it. The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

And now, here I sit. Exhausted with swollen fingers (yes, it's starting already) feeling like poo. Rob and I are considering having an "Ebay Garage Sale". There's a ton of stuff that we have and don't need or want and would love to get rid of. So I'm checking out Ebay to see if it's even worth messing with...I think I'm going to be lazy today, which stinks because I was hoping to get the mess in Elliott Richard's room/nursery sorted out so that we can begin to seriously plan for Tiny. Shoot. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

What Tiny's been up to this week: Don't be too shocked but... your baby is EVEN bigger than it was last week, not to mention getting cuter, and smarter every day! As you’ve come to expect, there’s no shortage of growth and development this week: your fantastic little bean stalk has added yet another half inch to their overall height-- making them nearly half a foot long! Their little limbs have reached (or are within one week of) their relative proportions, and will continue to grow evenly with the rest of the body after this week. Reactive listening has begun for your baby, even though their ears are not yet structurally complete or fully functional. Meanwhile, different parts of their astonishingly complex brain are developing to process your little one’s hearing and other senses, (you know, sight, smell, taste and touch). Mind boggling factoid of the week: if you’re having going to have a little girl, her ovaries have already produced millions of primordial egg cells, which, within a few weeks, will develop into actual eggs! Phew… just wait till she’s a teenager eh?

Hysteria
"I've got how many weeks left?! You're kidding, right?!"

At McDonald's for lunch today. Elliott took his last few remaining fries and stuck them all in his ketchup. Then he took them out and licked the ketchup off, one by one.

It's only 8:19am and I feel as if I have been awake for ages not 45 minutes. Elliott Richard slept through the night until about 5:30am, which is an unusual occurance in our home. Sometimes I think that's worse than having to get up a dozen times with him because then my body gets a taste of what it so desperately needs. lol

I had crazy pregnancy dreams last night. I dreamt that I was sleeping and had a dream. Then I dreamt that I was living what I had dreamt in my dream. Confused? lol There was something about Kelly Rippa. I think we went to her house for a party but when I was telling my Mom that I had dreamed the whole thing, Kelly Rippa went crazy saying that I was a demon or something. There was something about me giving birth to Tiny. In my dream Tiny was a boy but I couldn't find a name I liked. (So far I've had 1 Tiny as a girl dream and 1 Tiny as a boy dream.) The hospital staff was getting really angry that I was "refusing" to name Tiny. The whole dream was just odd.

Now I'm trying desperately to wake up and failing miserably. I'm feeling really sentimental for some reason this morning. And I have that nagging feeling like something big and meaningful is going to take place today but that could be left over from my funky dream. Only time will tell I suppose.

Rob and I have been discussing returning to church. I so desperately want to return to church! It's just a burning inside - if that makes any sense. We are just momentarily clashing over the churches we should look into.

I'm thrilled to report that Gavin returned to school on Thursday. He asked Wednesday night if he was going to have school the next day. We assured him that even if we had to strap our snow shovel to the front of our car, he would have school Thursday. ;) lol I was worried that Thursday and Friday would be pretty rocky days since his schedule was thrown so far off track but he did really well. Although I don't know that they accomplished a whole lot. lol

Elliott Richard's been going stir crazy with the rest of us. Of course he almost go a one way ticket to the local Emergency Department. Lately Gavin has taken to sitting on the arm of the couch and swinging his legs over to get off the couch. As is typical with Gavin, we've told him not to sit on the arm of the couch but he forgets and does it anyway. Well the Elliott Richard decided that he would sit on the arm of the couch. Then he began to loose his balance and fall backwards. Necks don't tend to be very good at breaking a fall, they just break. As Rob puts it, my "lightning fast cat-like reflexes" (*eye roll* lol) pulled Elliott Richard off the arm of the couch just in time. Unfortunately, he conked his head on the way down but at least it wasn't anything worse.

For the most part Gavin has been...well, Gavin lately. One of our big struggles has been trying to get him to understand that Elliott Richard worships him and mimics every little thing he does. Plus we can't get him to stop doing those things that he shouldn't be doing. I've tried absolutely everything I can think of and nothing seems to stick. It's so frustrating because it was one thing when it was just Gavin because then his actions were directly effecting him. I didn't like it when he got hurt but the "natural consequences" were his and his alone. Lately though, since Elliott Richard has developed this "Gavin obsession" what should be Gavin's natural consequences have become Elliott's. And it's difficult enough to teach Gavin with natural consequences that he experiences but it's nearly impossible to teach him through natural consequences that other's experience because of him.

For those of you who haven't heard, last summer a local woman went missing. Her name was Jessie Davis and she was 9 months pregnant. (We all know what my feeling are on crimes against pregnant women.) She was missing for nearly two weeks before the father of her children (that had a 2 year old son together) led the local police to her body just north of here. His trial began 2 weeks ago and the verdicts came in from the jury today. During his trial, Cutts' defense was that he was arguing with Jessie (a 5 foot tall 9 month pregnant woman - OBVIOUSLY a huge threat - that's sarcasm by the way) and accidentally elbowed her in the throat, to death, at which point he called a friend and they disposed of her and Baby Chloe's bodies "in a panic". The ADA argued that Cutts' strangled her, called his friend and disposed of the body to try and cover the whole thing up. Keeping in mind that he was an area cop. Kind of scary that a cop is capable of this. Here is the break down of his verdicts:

Count 1 VERDICT: Not Guilty Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused Jessie M. Davis' death during the commission of an aggravated burglary.
VERDICT: NO RULING Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder during
a course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more persons,
namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: NO RULING Specification 2 Cutts
committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the actual
killer. VERDICT: GUILTY As to the lesser included charge of murder, defined as
purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of another's
pregnancy.

Count 2 VERDICT: GUILTY Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused the unlawful termination of Davis' pregnancy during an aggravated
burglary. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder
during a course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more
persons, namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 2
Cutts committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the
actual killer. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 3 Cutts purposely caused the death
of Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age, and he was the
actual killer. VERDICT: NO RULING As to the lesser included charge of murder,
defined as purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of
another's pregnancy.

Count 3 VERDICT: GUILTY Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused the death of Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age.
VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder during a
course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more persons,
namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 2 Cutts
committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the actual
killer. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 3 Cutts purposely caused the death of
Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age, and he was the
actual killer. VERDICT: NO RULING As to the lesser included charge of murder,
defined as purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of
another's pregnancy.

Apparently they were able to charge him with Aggravated Murder of Chloe (Count 3) because even after he killed Jessie there was a small window where he could have called 911 and saved Chloe's life because she was a 9 month old viable "fetus". He chose not to call 911 and save Chloe so it qualified as "Aggravated Murder".

They begin the sentencing part of the trial on February 25th. Part of me is hoping that the jury gives him the death penalty. However, I've heard that the jury was asking questions to the effect of having the choice to not give the death penalty but to sentence him to a life sentence without the possibility of parole and without the option of solitary protective confinement. Upon hearing this, I've decided that I like that future compared to death. Death is too quick. I say give him a lifetime to pay his dues to the general population of a maximum security prison. Let the convicts pass him around for the rest of his days. General populations in prison don't tend to take to child abusers, molesters, and murderers. What a shame for Bobby.

For more information:
Breakdown of today in court
Blog of whole proceedings
Pictures from trial

I've been doing more research on the United Autism Foundation. It appears that not only does Adam do the PR but he owns it. It makes me sad that he said the things he said because from what I can find, he's done good works. I can't understand how anyone can claim to want to help children with Autism and various other disabilities but then SAY that?!

As I've mentioned before, I *heart* Big Brother. In fact, I'm probably mildly obsessed. That aside, I'm furious right now! On MySpace, I am a member of a group called "Autism Connections". I woke up this morning and check my MySpace info to find a bulletin from Autism Connections about my beloved Big Brother. (see below)

Feb 15, 2008 1:12 AM
Subject:
Man on CBS show Big Brother calls kids
with
autism "retards"
Body:
***** I got this from Joy. Thanks for
making us
aware Joy.original message from Joy:I hated seeing this and it
made me angry!! A
PR Guy on the big brother show works for an autism
foundation and called
children with autism, RETARDS!!I don't know about you,
but I will be making and
filing a complaint against CBS and I'm goning to
try to find out where and what
the foundation is, that the guy is working
at. I'm sorry to post this on
valentines day , but I wanted to know and see
this! Please repost and pass
along!!Our children are at risk by this guys
presence at the foundation he
works!God Bless,JOY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNwuXRY8X7E

So I follow the link to YouTube and this is what I find:
(It won't allow me to embed the video for some reason so please go and watch at the link for yourself.)

CBS AIRED THIS!!!!

I am sickened by this...this...I don't know what to call him. No real man would call Autistic children retards and then defend the statement by saying "What? I work with them all day, I'll call them what I want." or "Well, they are. They're all retards, it's not my fault." Whatever he is, he's sick. And not in the "oh I kind of pity him, he doesn't know any better" kind of sick. He's just a sick, self-centered, narcisstic....ARGH!

So here's what we do, we contact CBS and complain. True, they have no control over him. However, they have control over their show.

Next, I suggest we contact United Autism Foundation (the Autism Foundation he is a PR rep for) and we complain to them. Again, they have no control over his actions. However, they control his pay checks or the lack thereof. Autism fundraising is struggling to begin with, we don't need it connected with a schmuck like Adam.

Techincally this is Day 6 of Gavin being home but I'm only counting weather days. With every day, I get a little bit closer to that pretty padded room I've always wanted. ;) lol

Yesterday was actually pretty quiet and laid-back. (see here, here and here to bare witness to our silliness - lol) Today is already off to a smashing success. *insert sarcasm here*

Last night was pretty calm until around 1:00am. That's when Elliott got fussy and Rob and I woke up to find Elliott half in bed and half on the floor, trying to sleep. lol Poor little guy was pretty confused. So Rob brough him to bed. That marks the end of my night. Elliott took over my Snoogle pillow and my half of the bed. So I attempted to sleep with my head and neck in odd positions all night long. I have a night of little to no sleep, a crick in my neck and a throbbing migraine to show for it all. Fun. Fun. Fun.

What little sleep I did get was peppered with crazy dreams. I dreamt that I took Elliott back to the NICU to visit. Only the hospital had been moved to a shopping mall. There was something in there about getting into another hit-skip accident (they hit me and skipped - not the other way around) and the damage to my front end some how punctured my gas tank. Which then festered for hours before exploding. (Maybe that's when my head split open with the migraine. lol) Then I woke up and toss and turned for a while before I fell back to sleep and finished the dream. (I can't seem to do this when I want to finish the dream. Only when the dream stinks!) When I fell back to sleep I jumped into the dream at a point where some random guy was stealing my charred vehicle remains. This enraged me! How dare he take the charred, useless carcass that was my car! Again the pregnancy dreams strike and confuse me. lol

Enough about my crappy night, let's talk about Jericho. I am addicted. I admit it. Apparently Grandma Gene has been singing it's praises for months, oh how I wish I had listened. The Sci-Fi channel aired the first 4 episodes over the weekend and my darling husband had the presence of mind to record it. (Thank you Honey!) I'm missing 18 episodes though before I can watch the new one from last night. *sigh* C'est la vie. If you've never watched it, YOU SHOULD. Apparently after Season 1, CBS tried to cancel it. Only to get a response similar to the outcry over My So Called Life, and we all know what happened there. Hopefully, Jericho won't fall by the wayside after Season 2. I must admit though. I don't want to see Jake with Emily. I want to see him with Heather. Emily is just too...high maintenance for my tastes.

Gavin the fabulous dancing machine! He kept forgetting that my camera couldn't see everything so that's why he comes and goes off screen. lol

Tiny from the side. Thank you to my darling husband, for pointing out how my belly is round, then flattens in front and then drops off. lol
Tiny's tear drop shaped home. If you look closely, you can see that my belly button is already starting to disappear.

And of course, just because he's so darn cute! He made Daddy play nearly a dozen "games" of Uno before he agreed to come snuggle with me and watch "Dora the Explorer". Sorry, the sound isn't very loud but I'm using my digital camera after all. :)

Elliott Richard showing off his new verbage (what a great word!) with some gentle prodding from your's truly. lol The words were fish (shish), Uno (un-no), cat (cat). I tried to get him to say "love you", which is too cute for words, but instead I got "ah-bre" (which is spanish for open - according to Babel Fish that should be abierto but according to Dora the Explorer it's more like Elliott says it) because he decided he wanted to take his own pictures! lol

So far we have 2-3 inches of the 6-10 inches they are predicting. The snow wasn't supposed to fall until today but it got a jump start. Next comes the wet snow and ice. Followed by the rain. This has the potential to get real ugly folks. On the bright side, I have a HUGE jar of pickles. So I'm set. ;) lol

It's also Day 2 of no school. Gavin isn't nearly as crushed today as he was yesterday, which is both good and bad. It's good because he's in a better mood today. It's bad because it means he is settling into the swing of no school and will be thrown off when school resumes. I can only pray that he isn't thrown off too much and he is able to quickly recover.

Rob was kind enough to allow me to sleep in this morning. It's such a rare treat for me to sleep in and let me tell you, it.was.heavenly! Although I had some crazy, weird dreams. Some twisted version of Harry Potter with me as Duddy Dursley and my little brother, Zach, as Harry. If that makes no sense it's because the dreams made no sense. lol

In terms of life, Elliott is constantly learning new words. He just amazes me day after day. There are moments when it really hits me how completely different Gavin and Elliott are. The other night Rob made Sheppard's Pie for dinner. (In our house, Sheppard's Pie is a layer of ground turkey, layer of corn, layer of cheese and topped with a layer of mashed potatoes.) With all of my experience with Gavin, I absolutely didn't expect Elliott to even touch it. He ate more than half of mine and then a whole another helping himself! Last night, he ate fish! At first he snubbed his nose at it. Then he ate two whole pieces!

Gavin is busy creating "inventions". He never seems to finish them because as soon as he's started one, he moves on to the next. Yesterday afternoon Gavin had Occupational and Speech Therapies with Holly and Melanie. Rob and I were stuck in traffic so we were about 5 minutes late picking him. (He doesn't like us to go back with him so we use the time to run errands and whatnot.) Once we got there, I found him hanging out behind the front desk with Melanie and some of the other therapists. He was super proud of himself because he had tried both Red and Yellow Peppers. Simply amazing. There are days when he makes so much progress, even if it seems small to everyone else. It just makes my heart a little lighter, even if it only lasts a minute.

I don't have anything to say...I think part of it is the blog going public. It feels different now. lol

It's freezing here in Ohio. Gavin didn't have school today, which he was not pleased about. We have to go out to go to the grocery store, take Gavin to speech and occupational therapy and have my Quad Screen blood work drawn. Rob read on the Weather Channel that we may get up to 6-10 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow!!! So I need my salad and pickles before that hits. I'm out and if I get snowed in without it, I'll be one seriously unhappy pregnant woman! lol

I had another crazy, creepy pregnancy dream last night. I hate the creepy ones. The strange ones, I can handle. Dreaming I left the baby in carrier on top of the car or in the house, I can handle. But creepy dreams, no thank you.

So I've been cruising my blogs lately. And I'm completely obsessed with a new one, Confessions of a CF Husband. It's written by the husband/father. His wife, Tricia, has CF and is currently in a semi-drugged comma and intubated. Their daughter, Gwyneth, was born on January 8th at 24 weeks gestation. I think I followed a link from Tiffany's blog. Anyway, I'm obsessed and completely in love with this tiny micro-preemie whom I've never met. The truly funny thing (at least to me) is that Nathan posted a video of his walk between Gwyneth and Tricia and in the very beginning he does this thing where he licked his fingers and smoothed his eyebrows...Rob does that whenever he wants to cheer me up and everything else has failed. I guess I always knew that other men did that. I've just never actually *seen* it. lol Anyway, if you guys get a chance check out his blog. It's amazing. Gwyneth is a miracle in every sense of the word. Tricia is fighter and I admire them all so much.

Tricia also has a blog but since she's been sitting the sidelines she hasn't been able to update it. But you can check it out nonetheless. :)

(***I wrote this about a week or so ago but it was saved and never posted. So I am posting it today.)

I am proud to announce that we are now LIVE and OPEN TO THE PUBLIC. I have no idea if this affects anything or not. But here we are for all the world to see...boy that's kind of scary to think about. lol

I decided for reasons unknown to myself to make a graphic for the top of my blog. (see above) It took me literally all morning and many, many, many drafts before I finally got it right...for the most part. I don't think it's a half bad little graphic, especially since it's my first one ever. :) Was it a smart use of my entire morning, well, maybe not. But I like it. I think it adds a bit of personality to my blog. I really like Nathan's but I'm not that good. lol

I just want to be clear about something, our families are not evil or mean or heartless. There are some people in our lives who are very involved in any way they can be. There are other people who are involved in the only ways they can be. Some of you have helped us financially before. Some of you have bailed us out when we needed a last minute sitter for this, that or the other reason. Some of you have simply been there to help at school or to call me and say "hi". Thank you.

We love each and every one of our family members. There are things that anger me. There are things that hurt me. This doesn't change our love for them. But those feelings do exist and in the words of my favorite TV shrink, "You cannot change, what you don't acknowledge."

Rob and I were talking last night about a lot of things. While I was putting Elliott Richard to bed he read my blog. (He has access but doesn't read very often, which isn't a big deal since he lives it and all. lol) He said that while I'm honest I put a positive spin on things. I guess that's true. I am honest but there are things that I hold back on because for a while now Rob has been uncomfortable with the whole blogging thing. My blog is set to invite only so even if Nick or Pam managed to find my Blogger profile and try to access my blog they would see a message that says my blog is by invite only. No access. No risk. Unless one of you give them the url and your login info but since I know 99% of you personally and the rest of you either dislike them as much as I do or have no interest in them, I feel pretty safe. ;)

So I've decided that it's time for honesty. It's time for me to be a little blunt and completely open about our lives right now. Keep in mind a few things here: While I tend to be pretty honest and upfront about most things, there are some topics that are harder for me to discuss than others. Also this on again off again weather is killing me and my cold/sinus infection seem to be returning and the sinus stuff I take seems to make me a little loopy for some reason. So what I don't cover today I'll try and hit later. (Side note: I am horrible at spelling! Seriously. I apologize for any misspellings but my spell check doesn't work right now. So just ignore my typos.) Anyway, without further ado...

I have been "torturing" you guys with the fact that Rob and I know the sex of Tiny and you don't. Honestly, some of you do. Some of you don't. (Gavin doesn't even know but then if we told him we might as well tell everyone. lol) I haven't posted Tiny's sex on here because some family has access to the blog, although I seriously doubt that they exercise it. In theory I could post Tiny's sex here if I wanted to and our families probably still wouldn't know. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that my best friends (one of whom lives in NYC and the other knows who she is - hope you're feeling better, hon), my mother, my various internet moms (from all three pregnancies) and Gram (my newly internet adopted grandmother) are the only ones who really check this blog(at least that I know of because they let me know they've been here). (Tiffany, Nathan, and my Aunt Susie have access and are excused from this generalization because they have their hands seriously full at the moment.) Rob thinks I should post Tiny's sex and see who actually reads the blog to keep up with life in the our household. I don't agree. I'll know when the time is right for everyone to know and I'll tell you then. So asking (nicely or otherwise) and bribing (although fun and appreciated sometimes) won't work, so for your own sanity it's best that you not try. End of story. ;)

What's next...ah yes, money. We have none. (Can't get much more blunt than that.) Rob has "lost his job" in a manner of speaking. Rob is self-employed as a construction/contractor for a pretty big home builder here in town and the surrounding states. There is an allotment here in town that Rob has worked in since they opened it. He has been in every house in the neighborhood until now. Glen, the builder he was working for, quit. Glen's replacement (who's name escapes me at the moment) seems to dislike Rob. (We think it's because the last time Rob worked for him he was also working with a rather shady individual. Now please understand, Rob is not shady. In fact, he's one of the most honest and upfront people I know. But for a while his reputation was tarnished because he was associated with Bob before he knew the "Real Bob". Incidently, the "Real Bob" recently stole $6 off a dying 67 yr old man whom he, as a paramedic, was supposed to be saving, just to give you some perspective.) Anyway, this builder seems to be replacing Rob with someone different. This has killed our income. Right now we are living off of our income tax return but that will only last until the end of March, if we are lucky and don't buy things like diapers and gas. *sigh* Rob is actively looking for work with other allotments within the company, however, this also is the slow time of year. Homeowners are buying lots and picking homes but ground breaking probably won't happen for a few months yet and Rob isn't involved until closer to the end of the process.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Rob is self-employed for a few reasons. Could he go out and get any job to bring in something for the next few weeks, yes he could. However, that is not what is best for him or for our family. Rob has a herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in his back. He was told years ago that he needs surgery and shouldn't be doing construction. He has not had the surgery because it would require him to be completely out of commission for up to 6 months. He used to be a paramedic, a job that he loved, (He was saving a hemoraging pregnant woman when he destroyed his back.) but had to quit because he had to be away from home for 24-72 hours at a time and Gavin had become too much for me to handle on my own. To work a "normal job" Rob would have to have the freedom to sit down or stand as his back allows and needs. No employer is going to tolerate that and the pain of all the standing would kill him. When he got home, he would be useless to me and the boys. Rob does what he does to allow for fexibility in scheduling because of Gavin and his special needs. The work he does is not good for his back, by any means, but it allows for us to make enough money to survive on without requiring Rob to be away from home for 40+ hours every week. On a good day (for Gavin) I struggle to meet all his needs, however, now that I'm pregnant and already on light restrictions I am not allowed to have confrontations like the ones that are typical with Gavin. And I'm not allowed to care for Elliott Richard on my own now right either so I need Rob at home as much as time and income allow. This may sound irresponsible on our part but I assure you that this is the only and best way for us. I have made appointments to all of the agencies that may be able to help us at this point. I have calls into other contacts who may know of other assistance. We are doing all that we can at this point to plan for our uncertain future. (If you know of any help that I may not, please email me. When I say our financial situation is dire, I'm not being dramatic.)

Hhhhmmmm, where do I go from here? Ah, yes, the boys. We've been lucky with Elliott Richard. While he's technically considered a preemie, he was born at 36 weeks. That puts him a HUGE advantage over most preemies because we were able to keep him inside for 9 weeks despite the preterm labor that threatened us everyday. So even though he spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU, he's fine now. Developmentally, he's right on target.

Gavin isn't quite so easy. Gavin was a typical baby until about 2 1/2 or 3 years old. Then it was as if he woke up one day and someone had flipped a switch. Gavin was gone. Prior to the switch being flipped, he was a typical little boy. Although now that I have Elliott Richard as a "point of reference" (as Gavin's doctors put it) I now realize that there were many things I should have noticed but didn't. The fact that we lived down south for 9 months with a family doctor rather than Gavin's regular pediatrician didn't help matters any. And yes, I blame myself for that. From start to finish, I firmly believe that our time in down south while I was married to Nick was the beginning of the end for my precious Gavin.

There are many different theories as to how Autism/Asperger's comes to be. Some believe it is vaccines. I don't agree. Autism as a whole is seeing a 300% increase globally. That means third world countries, under-developed countries - essentially, countries without access to vaccines. In order for it to be vaccines, all the children in that 300% need to have exposure to the same vaccines. Others believe it is genetic, tied to such factors as extensive drug use by the parents (I used socially until I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. In my opinion, Nick is an addict.) and the advanced age of the father. I tend to agree with this a little more. Personally, I believe that Autism is much like cancer. You may be born with a genetic predisposition to cancer but not develop cancer in your lifetime. However, you pass that genetic predisposition on to your children and they may develop cancer if the conditions are right and the gene is triggered. I think either Nick or myself or both of us carried this genetic predisposition and passed it on to Gavin. Then something happened, over time, to trigger it. I believe that had it not been triggered, Gavin would have been quirky but not necessarily Autistic. But once it was triggered, Gavin was locked away inside his own mind. Too far away for us to reach.

When Gavin was young, before the switch was flipped, he was quirky. The girls at his daycare used to worry because he would not play with the other children. He would play beside them but never with them. He also refused, to the point of violent meltdowns, to participate in group activities. I admit, I was young (20/21) and didn't know what this meant. I thought he was simply angry at me for leaving him in daycare. When Gavin was a baby (9-18 months) he was very attached to me. Everywhere I went, he went. Elliott Richard is the same, only he's different. Gavin was attached to me but it was more as if I were a safe place, not a safe person. If that makes any sense. His attachment didn't seem to be emotional. As Gavin has grown, his attachments have become less emotional over time and more forced. He gives hugs because he has learned that they are expected in certain situations. Gavin will memorize a social situation and what he did that was acceptable in that moment. He will then react the exact same way every time recognizes a similar social situation. Gavin has no filter. If he sees someone smoking, he doesn't think about whether he knows them or if he should say what he's thinking, he tells them that smoking is bad and they are going to die. Then he will walk away. He has called neighbors "scary vultures" and "black monsters" to their faces. He doesn't know it's wrong. He simply thinks it and says it.

We try and teach Gavin what is right and wrong. We try and teach him that just because he feels the need to hug Elliott Richard does not mean he can drag him kicking and screaming away from his toys to accomplish it. We try and teach him that it's okay to not want to be touched but it is not okay to push, kick and hit Elliott Richard when he's trying to get Gavin's attention. The blunt truth of Gavin is that he has kicked Elliott Richard in the chest because Elliott Richard touched Gavin's foot. Gavin has kicked one of our cats down the stairs. He has tried to throw a dog down the stairs. When I was pregnant with Elliott, Gavin attacked me. He has tried to slam my fingers in his bedroom door while I was trying to get in and stop him from hurting himself. (Our house is 100+ years old and the doors are all about 2 inches solid wood.) He has clawed at my face, my eyes, my arms. He has spit in my face and punched me in the side of the head.

Gavin has no gray area. Everything in his world is black and white. He over-generalizes everything. If Person A buys Gavin at toy "just because" at Wal*Mart. Then from that moment on every time he is at Wal*Mart Gavin's believes that he will get a toy. It doesn't matter who is with him. His whole life is like that. Good and evil, with no in-between.

In our home, routine is life. Our lives are not such that our routine is on a set time schedule. However, the same things happen in the same order everday. Regardless of the time we get up or doctors appointments etc. In our world, it is always A, B, C, D etc. Never A, Z, J, V etc.

I am not telling you these things about Gavin because I want you to think him a monster. He is NOT a monster. However, he is not typical either. Simply because your pregnancy, labor & delivery were textbook followed by text book typical children, does not mean that our lives work that way. Gavin attends a special school for Asperger's and ADHD children. They have been a God send! Make no mistake the staff are ANGELS and I will take on (verbally of course) anyone who dares to tell me differently. Without them, Gavin would not be able to attend school. Public schools (as I've stated in previous posts) are not a fit for Gavin in any stretch of the imagination. I honestly do not know where we would be without them. They are all miracle workers and the best part of my job as a mother and President of the PTA is that I get to watch them work miracles everyday.

Warning: This is where my honesty is about to get bitter and angry. You have been warned.

Some things make me angry, understandablly. There are people out there who believe that they know better simply based on age. WRONG. Some believe they know better because they have typical children who all turned out wonderfully. WRONG. Some people believe that I am too strict, too structured, too this that and the other thing. WRONG.

Just because you are older than me, does not mean you have more experience than me. I have seen things in my 27 1/2 years that most of you have only read about. My childhood was not text book, unless you happen to be reading a text book about an ADHD child. My young adult years were filled with anger, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cops, court dates, legal battles...you name it and it was probably in there at some point. I did not get to go away to college. I did not get to date my soul mate for years before getting engaged, getting married and having children - in that order. The last 15 years of my life have been spent fighting for survival - my own, my children's, my husband's, my marriage.

Much of the things I have endured over the past 15 years are nightmares of my own creatation; I recognize that. I take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I will not take ownership or responsibility for anyone else's. I chose to marry Nick. He chose to abuse me in any way he could think of. I did not deserve it. I did not tolerate it. And while others are certainly within their rights to ask my advice and not take it, do not ask my advice and tell me that my opinion/p.o.v. (point of view) is wrong because it does not fit into your Bubble Gum Universe. I wish I lived in your Universe but I don't. I live in the Real World. Which is MESSY and UGLY and filled with PAIN and ANGER and nasty ugly things. While you may wish to live with your head in the sand and ignore the world outside your door, please remember that I live there and when you ignore the pain and suffering in the world...You are ignoring me!

I wish I had grown up with a deep faith in God. I wish I had a life in which that faith has never been tested and I've never been angry with God. But you know what, I haven't and that's okay. That makes me HUMAN. Some people prefer to live life worrying about what others will think. While I often take into considersation what others think, it does not run my life. I know my God. We are tight. He loves me and I love him. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to show my love for him nor for him to show his love for me. I was not married in a church. It was a civil ceremony with my parents and brother and Rob's parents and siblings. That does not doom our marriage.

I have lived my entire life clouded by judgement and none of that judgement has come from where it should - GOD. I will not live in judgement any longer. My life is not easy, even on a perfectly amazing day. My life is struggle and pain. My health sucks. Rob's back is blown. Gavin is Autistic. And by the grace of God, Elliott is "perfect" (in relation to the everyone else's issues). Gavin and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the abuse I endured and he witnessed down south. My life is not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that it is because it makes other uncomfortable. I appreciate every prayer that is offered up to God on our behalf but you know what, there are times when it would be nice if more than prayers were offered. If you really want to know what we need...Call and ask to take Gavin for the day or overnight. Call just to see how things are going. If something is going wrong in the pregnancy, ask us about it. If we don't want to talk about it, we'll let you know. If you care, sometimes it's just nice to be told or shown.

I'm tired of fake people. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am tired of fake people. (FYI...Fake people are normal people who act in a manner that is fake, shallow, self-serving etc)If you assume that we'll tell you if things are really bad, then don't be surprised when we don't tell you anything. Don't be surprised when you aren't included in the good because you don't care to be there in the bad. My life right now reminds me of that children's story about the little red hen. She gathers all the ingredients to make bread and asks for help along the way. Everyone is too busy to help with the work. Then when the bread is baked, everyone is willing to help her eat it. And that little red hen says NO, you didn't want to help me work so you won't enjoy the fruits of my labor. That's how I feel. If you can't be bothered to care about us when things suck. You won't get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. And you know what, life sucks. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be.

I'm NOT telling you these things because:
We are looking for hand-outs or hand-ups or whatever you'd like to call them.
We are looking for pity.
I am unhappy with my life.
I am trying to hurt anyone.

I AM telling you these things because:
I want to be completely honest (within reason, somethings y'all just don't need to know lol).
If you pray, you'll now know what to pray for.
If you want to help, you now know what we need.
If you ask me (or us) to go somewhere, do something etc you'll now know why we can't.
Everyone needs to know what our lives are like.
I'm tired of not sharing how I feel because it might upset people. (This is my blog. If you don't like it or can't handle it, don't read it. Most of you don't anyway.)
It's unhealthy for me to hold all this crap in.

Rob cringes every time I utter the word Ladybug now. He says that he hates it and even if we are having a girl I'm forbidden from using it. lol So I've been struggling to come up with a new nickname for our littlest baby-to-be because I have to call it something (and It or The Baby are NOT options in my book). Today it came to me...Tiny. Because well the baby is tiny and it's unisex so it will assist me in keeping from all of you what we are having! *insert evil laugh here* lol My new layout is also gender neutral. No more jumping between pink and blue depending on my mood. Now it's gender neutral layouts only for this blog...at least until July! lmao

On a completely unrelated side note, I have always wondered how everyone else got their pictures centered and perfectly sized and whatnot...had I just used the picture button up there rather than trying to paste the code into my posts all of my picture posts would have looked as nice as the last two picture posts! lol

Ultrasound picture from Tuesday, January 29th. Tiny is 14 weeks 6 days in this picture. On the right is the face (alien-looking though it is) and on the left is the body. The black circle in the body is the stomach, I think, it's black because the baby had swallowed some of the amniotic fluid. Which is supposed to happen to help the digestive tract to develop.

What the baby has been up to this week: Over the past three weeks your astounding growing baby has managed to stretch yet another 2 full inches (totaling about 4.5 inches) and weighs around 3.5 ounces. Yessireee, that’s some pretty serious growth... and with it comes several physical developments! For starters, their head to body ratio is finally starting to even out a bit as the rest of the body is actually growing faster than the head at this point. Yes, your little light bulb is not so top-heavy. Their adorable little limbs have lengthened, almost reaching their normal proportions which they will have at birth. Their eyes are still closed but moving and if you had an ultrasound, which many doctors recommend you have at about this time, you may even see your little one sucking on a thumb, not to mention the necessary signifiers to let you know whether you’ve got a wee lad or lassie.

The newest member of the family (I'm still NOT TELLING!) has been a busy little bee. I haven't seen any thumb sucking as of yet. However, I did see some belly rubbing going on! (Not my own. ;) lol) That was very cool. Then of course there was a bunch of arm waving while being pressed and pushed on during the ultrasound. My kids have never been very fond of the whole ultrasound experience. It's almost like they are offended at the intrusion. lol

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a Man! This pain is a part of being human--”“THEN—I –DON’T—WANT—TO—BE—HUMAN!” Harry roared, and he seized one of the delicate silver instruments from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room. It shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, “Really!”“I DON’T CARE!” Harry bellowed at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”…“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

That's a quote from "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". I love this quote. It feels me perfectly. I'm forever saying how I'm done, I want out and I don't care. But what Dumbledore says (yes, I'm aware that he is a fictional character) is true. I care so much I feel as though I will bleed to death with the pain of it.

Current Pregnancy Stats:
164lb.
150bpm

I'm trying to kill time while I wait for my OB to call me. Today has been crazy. I've had some cramping and a few contractions since Monday. The cramps aren't anything I haven't already had this time around. The contractions HURT. I had to stop what I was doing and focus and breathe they hurt so much. So I called the office today and they wanted me to come in.

We got there. I peed. They weighed me - I gained 3 pounds in a week. Don't ask me how. *sigh* I'm up to 14 pounds gained so far. The nurse must have been new because she went through my whole medical history, again. Then we talked to the nurse practioner and she was going to check me but didn't want to "stir things up" in case the contractions were effecting my cervix. So she sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital.

The hospital couldn't get me in until 7pm. So Rob stayed home with the boys and my mom took me. (Thanks again, Mom!) She did an internal and external ultrasound. During the external we got to see all of the perfect little body parts again. She even printed a couple of pictures for me to take home. :) It was really cool to see all the different parts again. The baby weighes about 7 ounces and is measuring about a week ahead of my due date. But she said that at this stage babies grow at such different rates that they don't change the due date, which is fine by me.

Then she did the internal and got real quiet. She said she could see something that she thinks was what the ER tech thought was a band. She said she thought it was a blood vessel behind my placenta. Then she took a bunch of pictures of the placement of the placenta for the doctor because she was concerned with it's placement. She checked my cervix - closed up tight like Fort Knox - and we were done. Then Mom and I had to wait for the utrasound tech to talk to the ER doc. Then the ER doc wanted me to wait around while she talked to my OB but finally let me leave because my OB wasn't talking non-emergency calls until 8:30pm. So the tech took my cell phone number and said that either someone from the hospital would call or more likely the doctor would call us.

So now we wait. I'll update when I have more to tell. And I'll try and get last week's ultrasound pics and today's scanned so I can share them. :)

Gavin does not ride the bus home. Either Rob or I pick him up and drop him off each day. I do not trust the local school district to transport my son. End of story. Period.

But I digress, Gavin does not ride the bus home. However, his classmates do. The bus that Gavin would ride (if I trusted them but I don't) stops in front of our house at 4:44pm each afternoon. (That's right, IF Gavin rode the bus he would be on said bus from 3:00pm - 4:44pm every afternoon. Those of you who know Gavin well, go ahead and imagine how quickly that would go wrong.) Well, his classmates Khrissy and Robert ride the bus that Gavin would ride. Today Gavin realized that the bus that stops in front of our house had Khrissy on it. Khrissy also noticed that she was parked in front of Gavin's house...

Khrissy likes Gavin. I think Gavin likes Khrissy. If I needed proof of Gavin's feelings...I now have them. I offer you sneak peek into the "mating rituals of 8 yr olds"...

I'll keep this short and sweet because I'm already cramping and stressed beyond measure at this point.

The Good:

I spoke with my attorney today. There was some question as to whether or not he would be able to represent me during this current legal snafu. We ended the conversation having decided that he was going to get flack from his bosses and they weren't going to be happy. However, we are currently in a fiancial crisis and we are still sending him payments. Granted they are small payments. But unless I win the lottery I'll never be able to pay off a lump sum. But he will take the flack and whatnot but will represent me. So that's the good.

The Bad:

I haven't even gone to court yet and I'm already cramping. Plus, TECHNICALLY they have an arguement. TECHNICALLY...TECHNICALLY....TECHNICALLY...I HATE technicalities!

The Ugly:

This legal snafu is going to be U-G-L-Y...UGLY. There are no two ways about it. For now, I have sent her an offer (through my attorney) for supervised visits, period. She will never have more than supervised visits. The most she could ever hope for are technically (there's that blasted word again) unsupervised visits at the supervised location. Meaning she would be at the supervised location but the monitor would not be right on them the entire time. Maybe the monitor would peek in the room or if she took him outside to their playground the monitor would stay inside and check on them through a window. But that is my offer. I doubt she's received it yet. If she recieves it and responds by refusing, I will ask my attorney to send one last letter stating that this is her last chance. If she goes forward with court and sets a date, I will withdraw the offer from the table. She will not have my offer waiting in Avenue A in case her court case in Avenue B fails. Sorry charlie.

I'm so tired. Please pray.

My 14 week belly pictures are temporarily lost in limbo somewhere. So until I locate them...Here are my 15 week belly pictures...

Belly bump with Elliott Richard. lol

Elliott Richard showing the baby some love.

Here's the little photogenic baby. He's recently discovered that the camera loves him and he loves the camera! lol


Elliott Richard opening his gift at Gavin's party


Elliott Richard's turn blowing out Gavin's candles.


Elliott Richard vs the cake


Chillin' with Grandma W.


Hanging out with Grandma G.


Who loves the camera? Not, Elliott Richard! lol


Sitting on Daddy's shoulder - Elliott Richard's favorite place to be.


I said, NO MORE!!!!!


Lovin' on the Daddy


I just want to beep your nose. SIT STILL!


It's easier to beep Mommy's nose when she's holding me. She can't get away! lol


*Muah!*


The revival of the push toy...I don't know what's up with that grin. It's seems to be the only one I can get out of him lately. lol

It's time to update y'all from the photo stand point. Aren't you excited? ;) lol Here we go...

First up, Gavin's 8th Birthday Party on Saturday January 26, 2008!


Opening presents


Humoring the adults by reading the cards...LAST! lol


*THE* gift...he was so excited I thought he'd pop a vein! lol


Singing Happy Birthday and blowing out the candles

Okay, so things are a little rocky right now. I'm stressed. I once again find myself with a migraine that my medications cannot touch. And I'm exhausted. But a wise woman once told me to focus on the positive. And if I find that I cannot focus on the positive to simply focus on Jesus. I am not to the point of needing to focus on Jesus alone at this point. So I choose in stead to focus on the positive. In no particular order, here are my positives:

*I feel "moving and grooving" everyday now.
*Elliott Richard is learning new words all the time. So far today I've heard "orine" (orange) and "hola".
*Gavin is so sweet.*Somehow I'm managed (with Rob's help of course) to raise
2 very polite little men. Even Elliott Richard says "thank you" and "welcome"
(you're welcome). He struggles with "please" but he'll get it with time.
*My husband is loving and supportive. I couldn't find a better man if I wanted to -
and I don't.
*I have a roof over my head.
*I have food in my belly.
*February is Italo's Pizzaria's "buy a large 1 topping for $6" month. I love Italo's Pizza.
*Most times my boys would rather have healthy snack (fruit and veggies) than junk.
*I have a Mother who loves me and helps me out with getting a break or taking care of the boys or last minute babysitting more times than I can count. Without her I
wouldn't be half the Mom I am. Heck, without her I wouldn't be nearly as sane as
I am.
*My birth mother was compassionate enough to give me life and give my parents the gift of parenthood.
*I have friends and family who love me.
*I have a good head on my shoulders.
*I am realitively healthy and the medical issues I do have aren't life threatening, just life annoying. ;) lol
*While Gavin is Autistic, he is "high functioning" which means I don't have to go his whole life without hearing him say my name or tell me he loves me.
*Elliott Richard is my little preemie miracle.
*Rob is always willing to allow me a precious nap or relaxing bath.
*There are so many wonderful people, some I know and some I'll probably never have the opportunity to meet, who are willing to pray for us.
*My God is an awesome God.

I could keep going but I think I've covered the basics. :) Feel free to leave a comment with anything else that you feel should make the list.

It always seems to go in my life that things are a trade off. Good for bad. Bad for more bad. Bad for worse. Very rarely, bad for good. I feel like I'm riding the New York Stock Exchange or something.

We need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. Long story short, my ex-husband and his mother have not seen Gavin since mid-July. It was their choice!!!! Around the 21st or 22nd of January we received a letter from our attorney with a copy of a letter from my ex-mother-in-law's attorney 2.5 hours away. She was asking for visitation to resume, unsupervised. We made the offer that she could have supervised visits, period. If she was telling the truth and it really was only about seeing Gavin, she should have accepted the supervised visits. Especially since they are in Gavin's best interest.

Unfortunately, while we were in our appointment on Tuesday, January 29th her attorney was filing paperwork seeking to have me thrown in jail, again...

I say again because in the summer of 2005, just after I found out I was pregnant with Elliott Richard she filed to have me thrown in jail for contempt of court because I had refused to give her what she wanted.

(Another long story short, at the time she had every other weekend visitation and 2 weeks in the summer. The summer weeks had to be agreed upon by both of us - her and me. Summer of 2005, she dictated the weeks she was taking. I told her no because she had set them up in such a way that Gavin would be coming home for a few days at a time between visits. She didn't want her weeks to coinside with her weekends. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. I told her those weeks wouldn't work and gave her 3 or 4 different options to choose from. She refused and stated she would only take what she wanted, nothing else. Never mind that what she wanted clearly wasn't in the best interest of Gavin. Well, we were waiting for my court date and Couny CPS (Child Protective Services) got involved and began to investigate my ex-husband so they had to drop the contempt charges. In May 2007, when the whole CPS case ended when we all agreed - me, Rob, my ex, my ex's mother - that the previous visitation agreement would be disolved and we would work with Pattie (Gavin's psychologist) on the new one. Are you confused yet? lol Fast forward...)

...Her attorney refiled the contempt charges, seeking once again to have me thrown in jail. Based on my limited legal knowledge, they shouldn't be able to do this because we all agreed the previous arrangement was disolved. The problem is that to argue and prove that I need an attorney. My attorney cannot be my attorney any longer. So I will not have an attorney to aid in my defense. The problem is that we owe over $25,000 in legal fees. For my attorney to go to defend me costs $2,000 just for him to travel down there. Never mind the fees per hour while he's in court and whatnot. He cannot defend me any more because we owe too much money already.

I need prayers. I have spent the last 9 years (including the pregnancy) fighting to protect my sweet Gavin from these people who don't understand him and don't want to. (Although I suspect that even with his own issues, Nick is trying to do what it best for Gavin. I think this is all her and he's being drug along for the ride.) I have no money to pay my attorney. And I can't find an attorney willing to take my case because everyone knows everyone else down there. I have been praying to God to help us in protecting Gavin. Yet everytime I pray for this the road just seems to get harder and steeper.

Well, it's official. I've reached the point in my pregnancy where my belly is starting to "get in way". lol If I am standing up and I look down, guess what I see? Nothing. My feet have disappeared. (Now I am still able to lean forward far enough to find them again. But if I look straight down, they are gone.) This morning when I was doing he dishes for breakfast I leaned on the counter like I always do. Only this time I was told in no uncertain terms that "Hey lady, I'm down here you know!" lol Now please don't misunderstand me, I love these things. I love that my feet have disappeared when I'm standing. I love that I can't do certain things without reminder that my body is no longer my own. I love that my body is constantly changing. There is just something about pregnancy that has always...sat well with me, for lack of a better way to put it.

Gavin's pregnacy was pretty easy. I only had morning sickness of days when my stress level was especially high. This is when I experienced my first migraine. (Apparently they've decided they like me and I've had migraines ever since.) I even managed to work until was 7 or 8 months pregnant. Most of the problems I thought I had were really just me being 18/19 years old and pregnant for the first time. I didn't know what was what. I didn't know what to expect, even after reading every book I could get my hands on. The two biggest issues I had were my blood pressure (thanks to people who shall remain nameless) and once about 2 weeks before my due date I couldn't get Gavin to move for an entire day. It was scary but everything turned out okay. He was just running out of room to move. :) lol Gavin was born on Tuesday, January 18th, 4 days after his due date of January 14th. He was happy, healthy and perfect.

Elliott Richard's pregnancy was a complete 180degrees from Gavin's. The 1st trimester was all day sickness, cramping, headaches and worry. The 2nd trimester was pretty quiet. It was mainly my cousin Sam's wedding, Rob's brother Jon's wedding, Halloween and Thanksgiving. The 3rd trimester was a different story entirely. Starting at 27-29 weeks I began experiencing preterm labor. I had a DVT. I was hospitalized at various points for different lengths of time. And I ended up on bed rest. In the end, Elliott Richard was born at 36 weeks on Saturday, March 4th, 4 weeks before his due date of Tuesday, March 28th. He was angry, sick and perfect. He spent his first 10 days of life in the NICU.

This pregnancy has been a combination of the two. There are times when I worry because things are quiet and all is right with the world. After Elliott Richard I'm not used to this "calm pregnancy". I've had horrible migraines, worse than with Elliott Richard. I had all day sickness, worse than with Elliott Richard. And cramping, worse than with Elliott Richard. Then you add the "band" scare and 16 days of trying not to worry. But everything is just as it should be, right where it should be.

While I may change my mind later, I would definitely be willing to do this all again. if I could get Rob to agree. :) lol I love being pregnant. I love knowing that a new life is growing inside of me. I love knowing that I alone am responsible for this tiny person for the next 9-10 months. I love breastfeeding. I love newborns, its probably my favorite phase because they just change so much, so quickly. If I had perfect, "text book" pregnancies and I could get Rob to agree to it; I would be a surogate mother. I honestly love being pregnant that much. lol

I completely forgot to post about my crazy pregnancy dream I had last night! It was just...bizarre! Various friends and family members kept taking me out to eat. Every restaurant I went to, I would order my meal (steak and potatoes, pork chops etc.). Then when my meal would come it looked like what I had ordered but it was made entirely out of white, milk and dark chocolate!!!! Some of it was molded out of chocolate, some was chocolate shavings...whatever it took to make chocolate look like food. It should have been good because chocolate is one of my favorite foods of all time. But after a while, it just got old. lol

What we've been up to...
Your nearly four-inch long gymnast is happily mobile inside your womb and if you're really lucky, you’ll notice a point when your sneezing, coughing or laughing results in a little kick here or a poke there. Still, many women don't feel anything until the 17th week or later. Although the poking and kicking isn't very charming during sleeping hours, it’s a good sign as it means your baby is actually reacting to outside events. Yay! You’ve got yourself one active healthy baby! Their little elbows and knees are bending more freely this week and their little legs are finally growing longer than their arms and getting pumped up for prenatal Richard
Simmons. Many of their major organ systems are increasing in capacity—particularly that amazing tiny heart and complex circulation system, which is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood per day, and will increase to a very impressive 200 quarts per day by the end of the pregnancy. As far as hair goes, we’ve got some new scalp patterns beginning to develop on the head, although actual head hair is not yet present.

I feel like I haven't written a proper blog this week. Well, besides the long awaited update on Tuesday. The week has been crazy busy but nothing I really feel comfortable sending out into cyberspace.

I tried to take a nap a little while ago but didn't get much rest. There was some definitely some moving and grooving going on in there and I wanted to stay awake to feel it. :) Only problem is that now I'm even more exhausted than I was before I laid down. *sigh* Such is pregnancy.

Elliott Richard is growing like a weed! He's started telling us which way to go to get home or get where he thinks we shoud go. He'll point in a direction and squeal, "That way!" It's pretty cute. Of course, when you think about it, Elliott Richard is pretty cute, too. Not that I'm biased or anything.

We kept Gavin home from school today because he had an appointment with Dr. R., his psychiatrist. Then we lucked out because today ended up being a snow day, so at least missing school didn't count against him. We've been worried about some of his behaviors lately. Luckily, it isn't what we were afraid of. It would appear that Gavin is suffering from some S.A.D. coupled with a little bit of situational depression. We are going to try a new medication and see if that helps any. I'm hoping it does because he looks so sad and forelorn. :(

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and things are supposed to be settling down a bit. My energy should be returning little by little. The nausea should be subsiding and slowly over time it is. I still have days though where it hits me full force and I'm miserable. And I shouldn't be getting winded until I'm closer to the 3rd trimester but I swear do anything exhausts me and gets me out of breath.

The writers strike is still killing me! I miss my shows! I want them back! Until I get them back, I have been finding reruns of old shows I never got to watch and recording them. Right now, I'm hooked on "America's Next Top Model". Few things are more entertaining that watching a group of women living together while fighting for the chance of a lifetime. lol I admit, I'm a reality television addict. There are some who say it kills braincells and whatnot. But you know what, I'm a stay-at-home mom to 2 boys (1 with Autism) and I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. If I want to zone and watch people do things I would never do in a million years - leave me be! :p lol