Cheerio Confessions

I've been cruising the net lately and I came across a blog written by a women while on bedrest. Okay, I've found two. Shannon is still on bed rest. Ashley also kept a blog while on bed rest but she's since given birth. Ashley's is so cute because each title is the Day of bed rest that she's on. That doesn't really work for me because I've been on "light-modified bed rest" for about 7 weeks. Now I'm moved to the more typical "modified bed rest". The only step left is "strict bed rest". For bed rest type definitions see below. Keep in mind these are the definitions as written for me by Dr. D and they may vary from case to case, doctor to doctor.

light-modified bed rest: brief trips out and about, no bending over, no
lifting, don't carry anything "heavier than my dinner plate" (especially lifting
and carrying Elliott Richard), light chores (dishes, loading washer and dryer,
sweeping etc), limited stair use, unlimited shower and bathroom privileges,
rest as much as possible without being a couch-potato

modified bed rest: limited trip out and about, still no bending, no
lifting, don't carry anything "heavier than my dinner plate" (still includes
Elliot Richard), no chores (light or otherwise), stairs are permitted but
frowned upon, brief shower and bathroom privileges, rest as much as possible (preferably on my left side while drinking water)

strict bed rest: the couch/bed is your home, you have no life, you leave
the house only to go to the OB's office, no stairs, forget about shower and
bathroom privileges, count your blessings if you aren't in the hospital

I've been having a lot of cramping and contractions today. I'm having 3-4 contractions an hour. I'm supposed to call once I have 4-6 an hour, so I'm still okay for now. Which is a good thing since there's about 3 inches of snow outside and we're due to get 5-8 inches before all is said and done. Needless to say, somedays I can get up more than others. Today isn't one of those days. I've been on the couch pretty much all day. It's not helping much, except the cramps get worse when I get up and move around...as does the pressure. So here I shall stay, at least for the rest of the day.

Gavin is at my mother's (Thanks Mom!) to spend the night - but realistically, he'll probably be there until Sunday because of the snow. He's excited about it and they have a huge hill for a front yard so at least he can go sledding. He'll have a blast and we'll get a brief break. It's win, win for everyone. ;)

I am writing this simply to vent.

I am so tired and overwhelmed. I have gone as far as I think I can go. Very little I do ever seems to make any major impact on our family in a positive way. I don't know what we are going to do in the coming months. I have a house on Monday but that is it for awhile. I get things here and there but nothing steady until later this spring. We just dug the foundation for the newest house so it will be about 2 months away. I get a few computers in for repair and some VHS tapes to convert to DVD and that helps both financially and emotionally. I love computers and working on them is an escape for me.

My medic card expired this week and I couldn't even afford to renew that. I haven't used it in a few years because of everything going on in our lives. I went to school 7 days a week for a year. I logged hundreds for clinical hours and have treated hundreds and hundreds of patients over the course of my short lived career. My ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card is gone and I need 200 hrs of CE in order to renew my card. I just can't justify spending $400 or $500 to recert something I will probably never use again. Being a medic was the only part of me left from my previous life (I know that might sound bad but it was the only way I could think of to describe it). I would give up anything for my family without hesitation. I think I'll have to close that chapter of my life as well now. That makes me very sad.....

Nothing we do ever seems to help Gavin anymore. I know some of you can relate to us on that one. The school says they are seeing his hyperactivity decrease slightly but the anger and frustration are returning. Lizze got to go get a small (very well deserved) break last night. She went to visit her cousin who just had a baby.

She was only gone for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity. The kids were a struggle the whole time and I swear I was going to just lose my mind. Elliott kept giving me hugs and wanting me to re-start Lazytown. I have grown very unfond of Lazytown. Gavin kept melting down over everything or bringing me pictures of "Surgery Sonic". And since I can hear everyone asking what "Surgery Sonic" is I'll tell you. It is a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog (that Gavin has been drawing, even though we try our best to stop it) cut open right down the middle with all of his organs hanging out. He then makes a maze using Sonics intestines, blood vessels and various other internal body parts. Very, very creepy. Please God, Please let the medicine work a little sooner because I don't know what to do with that stuff.

It is amazing how dependent Lizze and I have become on each other over the years. As a team we somehow survive each day. "Survive", I guess that's a great way to describe our lives right now. We are struggling to simply survive. We are living our lives second by second. There is no looking forward to anything because each day brings us yet another problem to add to the pile of already unmanageable problems... Together we seem to somehow find our why through the all the chaos. I take comfort in knowing she is there. I KNOW I would not be able to do this without her.

Poor Elliott doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He is obviously stressed and it breaks my heart to think his life is going to be anything like what we have endured. We haven't even had a birthday party for Elliott because we can't figure out how to handle Gavin and a small party at the same time. Tiny just seems to keep hanging on and we are so grateful for that. I live for the days we get to hear the heart beat. For that brief moment everything is ok. Everywhere we go Elliott is saying "Daddy,Daddy" over and over. I can't explain to you what that feels like to hear that. The unconditional love of Elliott breathes life back into me and helps me to keep going through all the back pain and emotional turmoil. I hope someday I will be able to give my family the life they deserve. Not a perfect life but a life where we can all be together and happy and healthy.

Thanks for listening...

It has recently been brought to my attention (through an old email I didn't know I had received until just now) that I may have hurt some feelings along the way with this blog. I assure that while I'm sure some of the things I have said have hurt, it was never my intention to directly hurt anyone. For better (and at times for worse) I have written about things I have come across. I strive in everyday life to live as openly as possible. (I've found it's makes it much more difficult for nay-sayers to cast doubt upon me if I start out by hiding nothing.) Unfortunately, there can be "collateral damage" when living as openly as possible.

To those whom I have hurt, please know that I am very sorry. Some things were posted to make you think. So things were posted because I needed to simply get them out and right now, this is my only outlet. Some things were posted to bring my feelings to light. (While I strive to live openly, I have learned that there are some who do not care to hear what others think, feel or believe. Even when I may have been asked to share those things.) I never intended to hurt with my words though.

So I'm sorry.

What Tiny's up to this week: Fetal development in pregnancy week 20:fetus in fifth month This week you're carrying about 10.5 inches and 10.5 ounces of solid baby-miracle-goodness! Their little delicate bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads are finishing up. Your little monkey now has teeth buds, although they’re hidden beneath the gum line. And finally! Their limbs have reached their relative proportions—no more alien baby! Their cute pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking. If you have a little boy, then their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall. What’s more, eyelashes and eyebrows are also visible. At this point, your little one really looks like a miniature baby—and we do mean miniature as your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their final birth weight. With half the pregnancy behind you, the most significant gains are yet to come!

Rob rearranged the living room this morning for me. To make things easier for me, while I'm camped out. It's nice because now the boys won't be tripping over my power cord for the laptop. And I'm right by the window, so I feel a little more attached to the outside world.

Tiny has been moving and grooving like crazy the past few days. Of course, yesterday during ultrasound (when they wanted movement) Tiny wasn't playing along. Afterward the appointment and today though, all over the place. lol

Elliott Richard has discovered ranch dressing! Ssssshhhhh, don't tell Rob. He'll be mortified, he hates ranch dressing. lol I had carrots with dressing with my lunch and he stole my leftovers, which he's eating as I type this. ;) He just looked up at me so sweetly and said "Have?" I told him he could have it and now he's thrilled. lol

Well, I'm at home with Gavin (who is sound asleep in bed). I'm supposed to be on the couch but my laptop died - again! Such are the joys of having a laptop that is nearly 10 years old with no battery life! So I gave up and came in Rob's office to use the desktop. Rob took Elliott Richard out for ice cream for his birthday. And so it begins...

I knew this was coming. I knew that statistically I was bound to have preterm labor issues because of all the issues I had with Elliott Richard. I just wasn't prepared for those issues to show up now. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. I had my 20 week appointment and ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, March 6th. They moved both up to this afternoon because of the cramps, contractions, pain and pressure. Not to mention the placenta previa issues and things aren't looking pretty. (Much like Rob's desktop if it doesn't learn to keep up with my 75 wpm typing speed! ARGH!)

The ultrasound was first. Barb spent a good 45 mins to an hour with us. It was nice. Tiny is once again, absolutely perfect. She showed us the nose (nostrils and all!) and we were able to see that everything is perfectly formed with no cleft pallet. (Yay!) We saw all 10 fingers and toes, still no clubbed foot. (Yay!) All the different parts of the brain, present and accounted for. (Yay!) Measuring right on target. (Yay!) Plenty of amniotic fluid. (Yay!) Still no bands. (Double yay!) Placenta is looking good but the placement still isn't great. (Eh.) We got 3 really cute pictures of Tiny doing some thumb sucking. (I'll scan them and post them later.) Barb was struggling to see Tiny's heart because of the funky position Tiny was lying in but she finally got a few shots of what she needed. (Usually Tiny's moves all over the place when the doppler is placed on my belly, I'm thinking the lack of running was a testiment to the lack of room inside. lol)

After the ultrasound, we saw Dr. D. Here are the stats:

Weight 167lb.
BP 110/63
Tiny's HB (heartbeat) 155bpm

We spoke with the nurse about the cramps, contractions, pain and pressure. Then Dr. D came in with one of my favorite nurses, Lori. We talked to them about everything. Unfotunately, at 20 weeks there isn't much that can be done. The few things I know about that will help, I can't have/use/benefit from until 24 weeks. So until then, it's more rest. Less activity. Medication for the pain. Appointments every 2 weeks rather than every 4. Still my weekly pow-wows with Lisa and her needle. Dr. D said that if/when I reach 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, and 36 weeks he will do a dance each time. I asked him if this was "the beginning of the end" and he said "Yeah, now we wait."

I've cried so much today my eyes hurt. I've cried because I love our little Tiny so very much that the thought of not making it to 24 weeks (the age of viability in Ohio) is crushing. I cried because it's days like today that remind me that I can do everything right (I don't smoke - haven't for years. I don't drink hardly ever. I don't do illegal drugs ever. And I certainly don't do any of that while pregnant!) and I still have to fight a battle I may very well not win. While there are women who do everything "wrong" - they smoke, drink, and do drugs - while pregnant and have perfect, healthy, full-term babies! I cried because I'm already missing out on things - Elliott Richard's birthday ice cream, CATS - and I've got (hopefully) 20 weeks to go. I cried because I feel so alone.

Welp, I just heard from the nurse. She said that Dr. D wants me to come in at 3:00pm for an emergency ultrasound and appointment. Fun. Fun.

I wonder if this will be my 20 wk ultrasound even though I'm not 20 wks until tomorrow. Or will I get to see Tiny twice in one week?! :)

I'm hanging out on the couch because I got up to get more water a few minutes ago and the pressure returned. It's not looking good folks. I wonder if I can get an emergency absentee ballot?

Now would be the time to jump start your prayer engines. Pray that the ultrasound shows a healthy Tiny. No placenta previa (another concern as of late - can't remember if I ever posted about that). No cervical changes. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

My Matria nurse just left. I've now had 2 of my 18 injections. Let me just tell you, my butt is killing me!!!! And I know it's all psychological but the right side (today's site) hurts. The left side (last week's site) itches. I think it's sympathy "pains". lol

Things in general are looking kind of hairy at this point. I've been having cramping and contractions pretty steady (not timable) yesterday and I woke up with them this morning. I've also been having these strange sharp pains in my cervix off and on with some pressure but nothing major. She's already telling me to talk to my OB about the terb pump (the link for the blog of a fellow high risk pregnant mom on bed rest because I can't find any better info about the terb pump! Shannon knows more than anyone else I've found. lol) and home monitor. I told her that Matria wouldn't allow me to have the monitor until 24 wks but I wasn't sure about the terb pump.*sigh*

Lisa, my nurse, said that my OB gets copies of her weekly reports but she doesn't want me to wait for him to get that. She wants me to call and update him. So I'm currently waiting for my Dr. D's office to call me back. The nurse I spoke with was new and she said that he probably wouldn't want to see me. Of course, she's also so new that she still doesn't know me. All the other nurses know me by name, on sight or by the sound of my voice! But I'll wait. With any luck he'll just want to increase my bed rest and not see me. Ah well, a girl can dream. *sigh*

I'm having such mixed feelings lately. I'm now half way, well tomorrow by my calendars. I really don't want to be half way. I don't want this pregnancy to end because it is most likely my last. I certainly didn't want any of this to happen again. I figured it would but I had hoped I would at least make it to 27 wks again. Looks like no luck. I just want to make it as close to 36 wks as possible. I don't care the Hell I have to live through to get there. I just want a healthy baby.

So...we left off with Elliott Richard making his grand gesture toward freedom...a slow leak in my bag of water. I woke up on Friday, March 3rd, 2006 at around 9:00am. I remember thinking then, "I think I'm leaking fluid." However, I had experienced similar sensations throughout the pregnancy and each was a false alarm. I was determined to be certain that I was leaking before I called anyone!

So we spent the day as we had spent the few before it...walking the local Wal*Mart trying to get my contractions closer than 20 minutes apart. We walked and walked and walked. Then we picked Gavin up from school. Finally, after all that walking and steady trickle I finally called Dr. D's office. It was around 5:00pm. I called my mom and made arrangements for her to get Gavin. While Rob was on the phone with Dr. D's after hour nurse. After we had everyone situated we grabbed my bag and headed off to L&D.

We left the bag and cameras and whatnot in the car because we honestly didn't think it was the real deal. I also didn't stop at Wendy's like I wanted to because I was so sure that we would be released. I figured I would just stop on our way home. Big mistake!

We got there. They checked me - not dilating. (Surprise. Surprise.) Then they "humored" me and checked to see if my water had broken and was leaking. Although they made it clear that they felt it hadn't. Imagine everyone's surprise when they came in and confirmed that I was leaking. (lol) The time to be enduced had finally arrived. (Woo who?)

Then came the mad scramble.

I was being admitted to the hospital. They were arranging for an actual delivery room. Rob was calling family and friends. I sent a text message to Sam telling her that it was in fact time. (She and Rob were my coaches.) She called me and asked if she had enough time to stop and eat. I said yeah she should be fine. Rob went and grabbed the bag and cameras from the car. The staff moved me to my actual L&D room and the fun began...

My IV was started. Pitocin was on board. As was an antibiotic because I had tested positive for Strep B and because my water had most likely been leaking since 9:00am that morning (it was now around 7:00pm) and that increased the chance of infection for both me and Elliott Richard. Once the pit started my contractions finally became more frequent and slightly stronger. From about 7:00pm (when the pit was started) and midnight, I was handling everything pretty well. I was laughing and joking and talking through the contractions. I had to stop and pause with a few of them but they really weren't too bad. Especially compared to the contractions I had with Gavin while on pit. Those were nasty.

At around midnight, they came in and completely broke my water. I had been leaking up to this point but just small amounts. In order for labor to really progress my water needed to be completely broken so that my uterus could fully contract. Once they broke my water completely, I was begging Sam to kick everyone out of the room. I just couldn't hold up the "happy go-lucky pregnant woman in labor" song and dance anymore. Shortly after she sent everyone home I got my epidural. (I'm a huge fan of the epidural!)

Even with the epidural, I was feeling most of my contractions. My legs were numb and tingly and next to impossible for me to move, which made me slightly panicy. But the contractions were still there. They checked me at about 2:00am, I think, and I was something like 6-7cm dilated. At that point, everyone was guesstimating a late morning delivery. Rob and Sam tried to make themselve comfortable in very uncomfortable chairs and get some sleep. I tried to sleep but there was no point. I was still feel too much of the contractions to make real sleep possible. So I sat and watched TV. (For what it's worth, this is when I realized that "late night television" aside from Jay Leno et al is simply "day time television" all over again. Huge disappointment for someone desperately looking for a distraction.)

I think I dozed off and on for a little while. Then at about 5:00am I woke up. And I mean, I.Woke.Up! The contractions were pushing right through the epidural. I suddenly felt really funny too. I could describe it. I don't remember feeling that way with Gavin. I just felt...panicy and "off".

I tried to wake Rob but he's a pretty heavy sleeper and he was out! So I woke Sam up. I vaguely remember her asking me what I wanted her to do and I said I didn't know but something had changed. She left to grab a nurse. The nurse checked me (I think it was more of a technicality than anything at that point.) and was shocked to find me fully dilated, fully effaced and ready to go.

It was time! And I was terrified.

Sam woke Rob up. The nurse grabbed Dr. D. They prepped Elliott's bed. The funny thing is that all of this is going on. I'm feeling the contractions and the need to push but I have to wait because they weren't ready. And what I really remember about those moments, was the intern. (lol) Prior to my delivery Dr. D and I had discussed interns and med students in general. I said I would permit them to check my progress during labor but that when it came time to catch, they weren't allowed in the same room. Period. (This stems from Gavin's delivery.) I only permitted them to check my progress so that Dr. D could sleep and whatnot. Well, here we were... go time. And Dr. D's shy little intern comes over and asks if I will allow him to stay. He said he wouldn't touch anything, he just wanted to watch because he hadn't seen a vaginal delivery yet. I said he could stay. He could watch. He touched nothing!

I don't really remember pushing. I don't remember the pain of those contractions. I just remember being amazed that I had managed to push him out so quickly.

Elliott Richard was born on Saturday, March 4th, 2006 @ 5:20am. He weighed 7 lb 8oz and was 19 inches long.

In those first few moments after his birth, my emotions ran the gamut. I was thrilled. Then I was crushed. When they handed Elliott to me he didn't cry so much as grunt. I tried to calm and soothe him. But I couldn't. He just kept grunting. I thought for sure it had to do with me. It devasted me.

Rob held him. Sam held him, I think. We took gobs of pictures and video. We introduced Gavin to his baby brother. And then Elliott to his grandparents. Then the nursery staff took him from us for a bath and testing.

After I was all cleaned up and stitched up they wheeled me to my private recovery room. I remember my Grammy and Auntie Sharon visiting. Sam went to her father-in-laws to sleep. And the neonatologist came in.

He said they were concerned about Elliott's breathing and wanted to take him to the NICU for observation. I was drugged, exhausted, hormonal and completely taken off-guard. Luckily, my Auntie Sharon had the presence of mind to ask (well, it wasn't so much as request as a demand) if I could hold Elliott before they took him to the NICU. The neonatologist hesitated and she pushed forward. He said I could hold him for a few minutes but then he really needed to go.

I've always been blessed in that I seem to bond emotionally with my children from the start. I bonded with Elliott in those first few moments before they took him away to the NICU. In those moments, I knew that all of the injections and hospital stays had been worth it.

After they took Elliott to the NICU my nurse let me eat and sleep. Then she brought me a breast pump so that I could pump for Elliott. I admit in those moments, I wanted to "rebel". I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted to call my nurse back and tell her that I wasn't pumping. The plan was for me to nurse not pump! And she couldn't make me.

I didn't do any of those things. I pumped. And then I labeled the containers with stickers the NICU sent to my room. Stickers that didn't even have his name on them. They all said "Baby Boy G". I held those containers as if they were a lifeline when Rob wheeled me to the NICU for that first visit. They were the only thing I was allowed to do for Elliott in those first few days. That stupid, painful breast pump that I hated more than anything else (it had become my "scape goat") and those containers were my sanity and the only ounce of control I had. And I clung to them for dear life.

Honestly, what choice did I have?

My pregnancy with Gavin was pretty quiet. However, I had a lot of stress and was hoping for a fairly stress-free and "textbook" pregnancy. Alas, that was not to be.

Elliott Richard's pregnancy started off quiet and "textbook". Then a few things happened all at once. Toward the end of my first Trimester, I began cramping and coincidentally my ex-mother-in-law filed her original contempt motion seeking to have me thrown in jail. About this time, Gavin's behavior took a scary and disturbing turn so Rob and I made a conference appointment with his pediatrician to discuss our options. He referred us to a new psychiatrist in town, Dr. R. We met with Dr. R fully expecting a diagnosis of ADHD or something similar. We got a nightmare roller coaster involving CPS (Child Protective Services) and our local courts. All of this obviously equaled insane amounts of stress for me.

Then to add a little salt to the wounds, my OB decides to retire out of nowhere! How does he tell his patients this little tid bit of news? By posting a letter to his door! So there I am four months pregnant with no OB. He referred me to a few new OB's but I had learned from his door notice stunt, that anyone he was endorsing was not the person I wanted to deliver my child. So I began going page by page, name by name through my insurance companies books of covered doctors. I looked them up online. I researched my butt off. And still had no idea who I was going to see.

Finally, God stepped in (as he so often does) and led the way. As I poured over that book of doctors and did my research one name kept jumping out at me, Dr. D. I didn't know why but it did. So I did what any self-respecting mother does at that point, I called my Mommy. And she did what she does as my Mommy, she gave me the answer. She told me to call my Aunt Carol because she works in the hospital where I deliver my children. She's worked there for years. So I called her. I asked her what she knew of Dr. D and as it turns out, Dr. D delivered my cousin's baby 11 years ago! She had nothing but positive and wonderful things to say about him, which made my choice clear. I had found my OB! :)

Things were quiet for a while after the OB drama. My cousin, Sam, got married in September. Rob's brother, Jon, got married in October. We had Thanksgiving (my all-time favorite holiday). Then Christmas. All the while Elliott Richard and I were cruising along. Slightly more stressed than usual but happy and healthy nonetheless. We even managed to survive New Years Eve. Granted we had a view visits to L&D for contractions and cramping. But nothing major. Nothing serious. Then, just before Gavin's 6th birthday it all changed.

At 27 weeks, I called Dr. D's office about a few contractions I was having. They weren't consistent or timeable but they were painful. The office was getting ready to close so they had me go to L&D for monitoring. Of course, I get there and I'm feeling the contractions but like always they weren't showing up on the monitor. Just to be on the safe side they did the fFN test. Everyone fully expected it to come back negative. It didn't. It came back positive. Suddenly my contractions that I was feeling and they weren't seeing became a big deal. I was admitted to the hospital and stayed there for a few days while they started me on terb and played with the dosage. In the end, they sent me home with a prescription for the terb and orders for bed rest.

A few weeks later, at 29 weeks I called about the contractions again. Again they weren't getting closer together or more timable but they were definitely more painful. I had called after hours so they had me go to L&D just to be sure. Also for the week before, I had also been having a sharp stabbing pain in the left side of my groin/hip joint. I figured the hip pain was just from me laying funny so I didn't mention it on the phone. Then as I changed my clothes I noticed my left leg was red, warm to the touch and nearly twice it's normal size. The monitoring in L&D showed I was in fact having more contractions. I also failed the fFN again. The major concern at that point was my leg because it was becoming more and more evident that I had developed a DVT while on bed rest.

Dr. D began ordering all of the necessary tests to help determine how bad things had gotten. I was started on Lovenox, a blood thinner, because I could not do thrombolitic treatments while pregnant, which is what they normally do for a patient with a DVT. All told I was in the antepartum wing of L&D for nearly 2 weeks. They ran gobs of tests included genetic testing for any and all clotting disorders. Everything kept coming back fine. In the end, Dr. D sent me home with orders for Lovenox, more terb and more bed rest.

That was the last major issue Elliott or I had during the pregnancy. Everything stayed pretty quite and medicated until Dr.D told me to stop the terb at 36 weeks. I then spent a few days walking Wal*Mart and the local mall trying to get my contractions closer together than 20 minutes. Ultimately, Elliott Richard decided to break his bag of waters. I joked that he grew tired of us using medications to stop his early escape so he did the only thing he could. He broke my water! lol

I know in past posts I've told bits and pieces of Elliott Richard's story but I want to take a moment and tell you his whole story.

Before.
Pregnancy.
Labor & Delivery.
The NICU.
Home.
The Aftermath.

In February 2005, Rob and I found out that we were pregnant. I was over the moon! But something was off. The pregnancy tests couldn't seem to make up their minds. Positive. Negative. Faint Positive. I was worried but at the same time, I wasn't because of my experience with Gavin's pregnancy and pregnancy tests. Just like with Gavin's pregnancy I thought this one would go to term. It never crossed my mind that I would miscarry. And that's exactly what happened.

I was crushed.

Then on March 24, 2005, I saw my OB/GYN at the time (not Dr. D). I was having issues with my cycles staying regular and whatnot even before the miscarriage. I went expecting to hear that my hormone levels were out of whack or something similar. What I heard was devasting.

This woman, with no bed side manner, walked in the exam room. Looked at me. Said, "We don't know why but your infertile. You won't ever conceive again." I don't think I even asked questions. And I don't remember the rest of the appointment. My life had shattered in that moment.

In the weeks following the miscarriage, I was a mess. I fell apart. Even after having Gavin, I didn't realize how attached you become to that tiny person from the get-go. And then a month later, I've got this woman turning my lift upside down again. It killed me.

Slowly, time moved on. Constantly marching forward no matter how much we drag our feet. Time moved on. Rob moved on. And slowly over time, so did I.

Then in July 2005, I woke up one morning and Rob said, "I think you need to pee on a stick." I just looked at him. How could he say that? What sick joke was this he was playing? But I've learned over the past 7 years to listen to Rob's gut. More often than not, it's usually right. So I went in the bathroom and I peed on a stick that we had left over from before March 24, 2005. Then I walked away. I wasn't going to stand there and have my heart broken again. I couldn't do that.

Imagine my surprise when I went back in the bathroom and saw two pink lines.

Rob and I were absolutely terrified when those two pink lines showed up. I honestly don't know if he really expected them to show up. I've never asked him. I know I didn't. He ran out and bought a set of the digital tests that say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so that we could eliminate human error. (As any woman who has tried to conceive can testify to, when you pee on the stick...you twist it, you turn it, you hold it up to the light, you look at it in the dark. Some women even take pictures and make it a "negative" photo to look for lines. Any line that shows up with the control line, is cause for hope.)

I waited a few hours and then peed on one of the digital sticks. We watched and waited while that stupid little hourglass icon flashed at us. I felt like it was mocking us. "Ha ha! You think you're actually pregnant?! Ha ha!" I swear that stupid little hourglass flashed at us for what felt like forever! Then, finally, it stopped. It stopped. It disappeared. And "Pregnant" appeared.

Oh.my.gosh.

I know my heart stopped. We were pregnant.

So I was just reading over the last few posts because I honestly can't remember much of this weekend. It's all been a giant blurr. What with Rob being sick and Gavin on his new meds (which still aren't making much of a dent) our house is just pure insanity.

I've been finding a little more sanity lately because of a message board I've found for high risk pregnant woman. Most of us are on some form of bed rest (modified, strict etc) so it's great to have someone who actually understands what's going on. Bed rest might actually be tolerable this time around because of these ladies.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off today. I almost finished the laundry. Only one small load of clothes and all the big things, like towels and bedding. I managed to wash all of the dishes (they were all dirty!) except for a few big pieces and what we used at lunch. Then I chatted with my Sidelines gals! (I love them!) Took a shower. Elliott Richard and I picked up Gavin. Stopped at Giant Eagle for diapers and shampoo and a few other things. Then the three of us went to see Dr. R, Gavin's psychiatrist. We finally got home about a half hour ago. I'm beat. My head hurts. I'm starving. And then there are those pesky cramps! (I hate cramps!)

I need to go finish dinner so I can vegge for the rest of the day. (Mom, if you read this tonight, I could really really REALLY use some cheesecake or homemade whoopie pies. *muah*)

The weekend seemed to drag on forever as usual. Gavin spent the night at Lizze's mothers on Friday even though she had plans the next day. (Thank you!)

We haven't seen much improvement in Gavin yet. He has only been on the meds for a few days but I was hoping it would be quicker. The new meds make him very sleepy at night which helps him to sleep through most of the night but I imagine that will soon wear off. I guess he does seem a little less active then he was prior. Honestly though I am pretty out of it still so I am not sure I'm the best person to ask right now.

I am still really sick. I haven't slept much in the past 4 days. I am living in 4 hour increments because that's when I get to take my meds again and feel slightly better for a little while. I have another round of antibiotics to go but I don't believe I'm contagious anymore.

Elliott is doing just fine. I think he is going stir crazy because he is coped up all day but that's to be expected during the winter. When we feel better we will take him out for a while. Speaking of Elliott he turns 2 in the morning. We haven't decided what we are going to do for his birthday yet.

We have to weigh everything against what Gavin can handle and in turn what we can handle from Gavin. If we have a party for Elliott, Gavin will get all worked up (to say the least) and we have to deal with the fall out from that for days. We have sadly found that sometimes it just isn't worth it. As it is, we are barley surviving now(Why tempt fate). But as I'm sick now anyways we will have a few extra days to figure out what we are going to do. We really want Elliott to experience a nice birthday.

Finally, as I am typing this, Lizze is running around like crazy cleaning and doing laundry. Can you say "NESTING PHASE" anyone... She is having to carry more weight right now because I am sick. So hopefully I will recover soon and all will be back to normal. She is still having the same problems as before but we see Dr. D this week and get an ultrasound and will know more then.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers....

Another mom-to-be posted this on my high risk/bed rest message board. I really liked it. It kind of gives me a little more faith that God hasn't forgotten us. So I thought I would post it here.

I woke up this morning with a nasty cough. Of course, I've had a persistant cough off and on for the last week or so. It's just more persistant this morning. Plus I woke up with a migraine, which is never a good thing.

Rob is doing better, little by little. He's still going to be down for the count for the next few days at least. I'll have to be sure to keep him away from Lisa when she comes on Tuesday.

Other than that, things are pretty quiet this morning. Keeping in mind that it's only 7:25am, which leaves plenty of morning for things to go horriblly wrong. But I'll try and stay positive that things will just remain calm and status quo this morning. *crosses fingers*

I had my first true crazy, pregnancy dream last night. I drempt I had already had Tiny and we all went to a big family gathering. Everyone kept taking Tiny from me and walking off, which upset me for two reasons. One, Tiny was a preemie and we were lucky a NICU stay wasn't required. And two, I was trying to nurse Tiny and people were pulling Tiny away in the middle!! It drove me crazy! It was really kind of scary that Tiny was so...well, tiny in my dream. A baby that size really should be in the NICU but no one would listen to me.

Oh well, we all know that I don't have any trouble vocalizing my concerns and whatnot when it comes to my kids in real life. ;) lol But dreams like that just don't do much to help me get enough sleep at night. I kept waking up angry and looking for Tiny. lol

Sometimes it's easy during all the hustle and bustle for a gal to forget that she is loved. And even when I manage to remember, it's easy to forget what it's like. That's why it's so great when those who love us take a moment to show us.

My father-in-law called this afternoon. He wanted to take the boys and to know if Rob would like some chicken noodle soup. While Rob jumped at the chance to have chicken noodle soup (it's one of his favorite meals) I declined on the offer to take the boys for a while.

I know that sounds crazy since Rob and I need a break so desperately. Just allow me to explain. Gavin was half-zonked in his room from his new meds (I thought he was asleep he was so quiet up there!) and I didn't want to disturb him. As for Elliott Richard, well I think he's trying to fight off this nasty "super bug" lately because he's been super clingy and snugly. Not to mention slightly lethargic, so I opted to keep him home as well.

He still wanted to bring Rob the soup though and he wanted to know if there was anything I wanted. I was touched that he even thought to ask. I told him that I've been craving pop lately (not so much any one pop flavor just more the carbonation) but I needed caffeine-free. He said "no problem". He brought Rob his soup and some rolls. I got two 2 liters of pop (Pepsi and Sierra Mist). He even brought the boys some gummy bears, which they ate in less than 5 minutes! lol

Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that we aren't as alone as we feel. Thanks Dad! For the soup, the pop, the gummy bears and the reminder that we are loved. It means more than you know.

We'll start with the sicker, otherwise known as Rob. He just called while he's on his way to the pharmacy with his prescriptions. Apparently he has an especially nasty case of bronchitis. Luckily we caught it just before it got really nasty and became pneumonia. They told him to drink lots of fluids and to rest. The fluids we can do. The rest is going to be a little trickier. So far, at least one prayer has been answered: Rob was in and out quickly with enough time to get to the pharmacy. Thank God.

Now for the good: Wild Cherry M&M's. Have you tried them yet? No? Well, you need to. I spotted them while picking up the necessities and Rob's NyQuil at Giant Eagle. They are delish! Of course, I'm partial to anything cherry and chocolate flavored. ;) lol

The bad? Well, no bad really. Just stressed. But the title doesn't really work without three different things, does it? ;) lol

Not *that* kind of boot! lol

Rob started getting sick last night. And per usual Rob-style, he's gone from fine to sick to near-death, all in under 24 hours. Yesterday morning he was fine. By bed time, he was sick. Now he's near-death.

I've been trying to convince him for about an hour to go to our local statcare and he kept arguing that he's only been sick for a day. My arguement is that A) this how his body operates, B) he has a 2 yr old at home, C) he has a high risk pregnant wife at home. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows this stuff operates this way!

He finally gave in and just left a few minutes ago. Hopefully they get him in and out in time to get his prescriptions filled before our pharmacy closes at 10pm.

Please pray that he is seen quickly so he can begin to recover quickly. Also please pray that Elliott Richard and I don't get this because it could be bad news for either one of us.

I had my standard appointment today. I couldn't get in to see my OB this week because of snow days and general insanity so I saw the Nurse Practitioner. I admit, I didn't like her at first but she's starting to grow on me. I still prefer Dr. D though.

So the stats are:
Weight 166lb (-2lb from Wednesday, my guess is that the hospital's scale was off)
BP 100/68
Tiny's HB 167bpm
Fundal Height 17 cm

My "big" ultrasound is next Thursday, March 6th at 9am. Then we have an appointment with Dr. D at 9:30am. Kelli, the NP, wanted me to be sure to make an appointment to see Dr. D after the ultrasound. Apparently, I need to see Dr. D after the ultrasound to go over the results.

I don't know if you remember my last ultrasound but the ultrasound tech was concerned with the placement of my placenta. Well, Dr. D and Kelli won't formally diagnose me with placenta previa (partial not complete) unless and until Barb, their ultrasound tech, can see it. Since they can't see the ultrasound pics from the hospital. They only receive a report.

So after my ultrasound on March 6th I have to meet with Dr. D and discuss the current placement of my placenta. In most cases, the placenta moves up and away from the cervix so it's nothing to worry about. Hopefully, that's the case here. If it is in fact a case of placenta previa, they will keep a close eye on things via ultrasound throughout the pregnancy. Hopefully, by or before July my placenta will have moved up and it won't require me to have a c-section delivery.
Other than that, things are pretty good. Kate watched Elliott Richard for the morning so that I could go to my appointment. (Thanks so much!) I even got a bunch of stuff accomplished for the PTA! Yippee! Now I'm home. Waiting for Kate to return my baby. Then I'll go pick Gavin up from school and veg for the rest of the day. I even picked up a frozen pizza for dinner so I wouldn't have to think about what to make. lol

Of course poor Rob is sick with that nasty respiratory flu that's going around. And he doesn't just get sick. He gets deathly ill and usually ends up in the hospital. I got him some NyQuil and DayQuil so hopefully that will help him.

Ah, let the fun begin.

A quick update on Lizze. She is doing about the same as before meaning she is still having problems but we have to let the meds run their course. She is still very miserable so I hope they kick in real soon because she's been through enough. Please keep her and Tiny in your prayers..

On to Gavin... We had our appointment this morning and things pretty much went as expected. We are now treating for bi-polar disorder. The list now includes Aspergers, ADHD, PTSD, Sensory Integration Disorder, OCD and now possibly bi-polar disorder as well. Needles to say this is yet another unwelcome blow. We will have to see Dr.R every week now until Gavin is better. Hopefully the new meds will work and we can re-claim our son once again. Gavin is still really struggling in school (and at home) but his teachers are VERY, VERY patient with him. A HUGE THANK YOU goes out to them again for all they do...

My turn...I have managed to get that flu that is going around. I NEVER get sick but when I do I usually end up in the hospital. I just also got confirmation that I have a new house to start in the morning. This is good news as we need the money but the timing is bad.. My brother who works for me does such a good job that our company just got put in charge of all the model homes in the area. Good work B. This doesn't directly effect us but it helps alittle.

I had a few computers come in this week to work on. I also just got off the phone with someone who managed to find our old business website: http://www.computerrenew.com/
This was unexpected to say the least but next week I have a bunch of video to transfer to DVD. I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways. Hopefully I will manage to survive Friday and Monday working on the house (but please keep them coming).

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. I can't tell you how good it feels to come to this blog and see new dots on the map and read all of your kind words. I humbly ask for your continued prayers and support and hopefully someday we will be able to move forward again.

(Sorry, that's an inside joke that only my Mom will really get. lol)

It's nearly 11pm here. I just got home a few minutes ago. My mom is a life-saver and has both boys for the night, unless I receive a "ransome" call sometime tonight. It feels strange without the boys in the house but I could definitely use the sleep. So I'll go with it.

Now what you've all really been waiting for...Your prayers worked!!!!!

I am okay. Tiny is okay. (I'm tearing up as I type this. It's been a long day.) I have been having cramping pretty consistantly all day today. At times it felt as if I had contractions sneaking in here and there. Then shortly after 5pm (of course) I had a few other things going on that gave me reason to pause.

I called the answering service fully expecting to hear that everything was tied to me starting the progesterone injections yesterday. No such luck. The on-call nurse wanted me to go to the ER because of my history of preterm labor. While she was debating if I should go to the ER or to Labor & Delivery by way of the ER, I asked out right if I could go to L&D. (Last time I was in the ER they flat out told me that they didn't have enough experience with OB cases, which doesn't instill faith especially given our complications.) She agreed that would be best given my history.

We got there. The ER debated with L&D over who would take me. I won out in the end and up to L&D we went. My nurse B(renda) was amazing! My med student/resident was amazing! My doctor (not Dr. D) was amazing! They were all super nice and treated me really, really well. I could not have asked for a better group of people (except for Dr. D and his nurses, of course).

They all did a bunch of tests which came back negative. Except for 2 that we won't have the results for another 2-3 days. And the one that showed I may have some type of infection. So I'm on some antibiotics for the next 7 days. The infection stinks but at least it wasn't preterm labor. I just hope this solves my problems.

Thank you all for you love and support and concern. Thank you a million times over for your prayers! I firmly believe that all of the prayers offered up to God on our behalf are a big part of how and why things are going as "smoothly" with this pregnancy as they are. Thank you.

If you want to keep "helping" please pray that the antibiotics work. That the preterm labor stays at bay and the progesterone injections help. And please pray that Tiny decides to hang around and "bake" 4-5 months longer. Aside from that, sanity and peace of mind of Rob and I. Lord knows we need tons of that!

Thank you again. I truly believe that you are all so so SO important right now. And I don't know if you realize how much your love, support and prayers means for/to us right now. It may seem like a small thing for you, but it helps to know that you care. So thank you.

I'm going to drink some more fluids and rest some more. Then it's off to bed.

Love you all!

Rob and I are on our way to Labor & Delivery. Just waiting for my mom to pick up the boys. Will update upon our return.

Prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.

I know how important going to "Cat's" this weekend was to you. So I thought I would do the next best thing and bring them to you. Well, about 7 minutes of them anyway. I hope you enjoy and I am sorry that things are preventing you from going but maybe next time........

Continue to hang in there. I love you....

Rob

I thought we had already hit rock bottom a long time ago but I guess we were wrong. About 8 or 9 months ago Gavin was really out of control. He had become "dangerous" for lack of a better word. He was hearing voices and interacting with people and things that were not there. He was talking about death and killing things all the time and that was very concerning. We would wake up in the middle of the night and find him "watching us sleep".

Elliott was still very little at the time and we were advised to lock the three of us in our room at night. We had motion sensors to monitor Gavin's movements during the night. We weren't sure if the voices (if they were even voices) were telling him to do bad things. He had also begun lashing out at everyone, including Elliott. He would hit himself, bang his head into the wall or floor and kick anything he could when he got angry (which was quite often). He would leave bruises where he hit himself and even gave himself a black eye. He was really struggling to keep his feet on the ground. We had run out of options and it was recommended we seek inpatient treatment for him. It was the only way to ensure his safety as well as our own. That was one of the darkest, scariest moments of our lives. Hearing that there is nothing left you can do for your child but send him away is horrible. Lizze and I cried for along time. We felt like complete failures as parents. We made ourselves physically ill trying to figure out what we did wrong and what we could do better in order to avoid sending him away. Maybe if we tried just harder we could help him more. It tooks some time but we finally resigned to the fact that it is in his best interest to send him.

Then through the grace of God and his AMAZING doctors we were able to pull him through it. We finally had a light at the end of the tunnel. What we have been seeing since then are autistic related things. These were just as exhausting and overwhelming as the others but in a different way. We were no longer fearing for our safety....

However, for the past few months he has been taking a turn for the worse. Most recently in the past few weeks he has really begun to spiral out of control. His play is becoming more violent and usually revolves around dead people or people getting killed, although not by him. Today we got a letter from his teacher letting us know about what they are seeing from him during the day. They are seeing this same trend also. He is once again interacting with people and things that aren't there. They are having a VERY difficult time keeping him on task. He seems unable to remember anything anymore. He can't sit still and is constantly rocking his chair, running in place or just throwing himself around. He is becoming aggressive with Elliott (but usually not intentionally if that makes any sense). Lizze and I are at a loss as to what to do. We are so completely overwhelmed already and we are terrified that we are going back down that same road again. We have an appointment in the morning with Dr. R and will hopefully have some direction after that. In the mean time please keep Gavin and the rest of us in your prayers. He is a really great kid and we desperately want to help him in whatever way we can. Your continued thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Lizze and I have found that keeping this blog is very therapeutic.
Thanks again to all of you for stopping by and taking the time to read this. We love seeing new dots on the map :) It helps us not to feel so alone.......

Yeah, that would be me. I'm the 164 lb pregnant elephant in the room that no one wants to mention or acknowledge.

This is one of the very few things that keep us going anymore.
Hope this brightens your day as it did ours......

I would just like to have a pity party for one, for just a moment or two. Feel free to ignore me.

My mom has 2 tickets to see CATS in Cleveland with her, my Aunt Paula, and two cousins. The original plan was for me to have one of her tickets. We've been waiting to see how I was doing before I was able to commit to going. I really, really REALLY want to go. But when I think about it, I've already had issues with cramping and a few contrations. Then while I was thinking and debating what was best for Tiny and I, my cramping became a few pretty strong contractions. I took that as a sign that us going would be a bad idea.

I'm disappointed that I can't go. Honestly, I'm not likely to get another chance like this any time soon. But it's up to me to make sure that Tiny is safe and I'm not certain that I can do that in Cleveland for the day. Our doctors are here. Our hospital is here. Everything we need is here. So no CATS for us. :(

What Tiny's up to this week: Your amazing little baby is now around 10 inches in length! If this seems a bit shocking, you’ll be relieved to know they’ve not actually grown over 3 inches, but that their little legs are now straight enough to be measured. This is when doctors begin measuring fetal growth from head to toe, (no longer “crown to rump” or CR). Lanugo (little hairs) covers their whole body now, trapping that charming cheese-like vernix caseosa (see week 18) to the surface to the skin. This week your lil’ fetus will start on an appetizing diet of amniotic fluid which they are now capable of swallowing, digesting, and passing the fluid as far as their tiny “large” intestines. Fortunately for you, this nice little lump of baby-poop won’t be coming out while they’re still in your womb. Some time shortly after they’re born, this fun lump will become the first in a long line of baby poops. (What finally comes out— commonly known as “meconium” to the science world, will be black and sticky, and you’ll be very glad it happens only once!)

I can't believe I'm almost half way there! *ack* Tiny has been moving and grooving all over the place lately. Yesterday while I was getting Elliott Richard ready for bed, I was able to kind of figure out how Tiny was laying. There was a big lump up by my belly button, which could have been either the head or the butt. How's that for definitive for you. ;) lol

The heartburn has begun. If I eat, I have it. If I don't eat, I have it. I'm starting to think that if I even think about food, I have it. I can take Tums but they have been leaving this nasty metallic taste in my mouth after wards, which usually make me nauseous. Blech. I guess it's a trade-off. Heartburn or nausea.

When I first started my Blogger account in January of 2007, it's sole purpose was to allow me to post comments to my cousin Sam's blog. I started the Cheerio Confessions blog in August of 2007 because the idea for the title struck me at one point and I went with it. (FYI: All posts before the one in August are posts I ported over from my old livejournal account.)

My initial intention was for this to be a funny, witty blog about parenthood from the stand point of a woman who lives her entire life "outside the box". There are times when Rob says I live so far outside the box that I can't even see the box anymore. lol It was going to be this really humorous, light and funny blog - everyone was going to love it and comment all the time by the way. I was going to be pretty much everything I wish my life could be.

As time went on it became clear to me, that is not my life. I am not Pollyanna. My rose colored glasses broke beyond repair a long time ago. My life is messy, crazy, chaotic and sometimes down right ugly. I've made plenty of mistakes and plenty of choices in the heat of the moment that probably shouldn't have been made. For better or worse, they are my "mistakes" and I stand by my choices. Sometimes I am witty and humorous and light-hearted. (I prefer me this way for what it's worth.) More often than not though; I'm stressed, over-whelmed and lost within my own life without a map.

As much as I may wish it were, my blog is not pretty and uplifting. I am not living within a bubble where everything comes up roses and each day is more beautiful and wonderful than the one before.

That's not to say that I'm not grateful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I am. The fact that we were able to bring Gavin back from where ever he was (mentally) last summer, is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that we made it to 36 weeks before Elliott Richard was born, is also nothing short of a miracle. The fact that I found Rob, another miracle. I am grateful for all of these things and then some. At the same time, my miracles are few and far between. That can be exhausting.

Our lives can be exhausting. My children are exhausting. My life is exhausting. Are you catching on here? I'm exhausted. But that's not the point of this post. The point is the fact that as much as I would love to give you a happy, rosey, sugar-coated rendition of my life; that would make me a liar. I don't like liars. I won't go so far as to say that I don't lie because I do. I'm a human being. But I don't tell big lies. So I want you to know, that I've tried. I've considered it. I've looked at it from every angle. That is not my life. Odds are it will probably never be my life. I've come to accept that.

I hope that our over-abundance of drama will not drive you away. I hope that our exhaustion and stress will not over-whelm you. At the same time, I will not leave those things out of my blogs or gloss over them to help you feel better about my life.

For better or for worse, this is my life. I hope that y'all can love us, support us and follow our story in spite of our drama and stress. *steps off of her soap box* :)

Thanks for listening to me, yet again. It truly means more than you will ever know.

I say this because Gavin and I just got home from an appointment it will not stop freaking snowing. The roads are horrible and getting worse. I wouldn't be suprised if school was canceled tonight..... While I'm writing this post I can hear my mother in the back of my mind saying "I really hope it's a snow day". She lived for snow days. She loved it when we got to stay home from school. I think she was more excited about them then we were (for those that don't know I am the oldest of 6 kids). However, things weren't nearly as complicated for my parents as they are for us to say the least. For Lizze and I, School+Gavin = Break. We don't get nearly enough of a break. But if I have to spin this into a positive way at least the teachers get a break. Lizze and I aways say they are angels. I don't know what we would do without Gavin's teachers. They are so good to him and we are very grateful for all they have done. That being said, let's all ask God for the snow to stop... FYI... If it doesn't stop then this will be me in the morning... LOL

A quick math lesson on this fine snow day.

1) Snow + Freezing Rain = Snow Day

2) Snow Day + Continued Snow and Freezing Rain = Little Hope For School Tomorrow

3) Snow Day + Snow Day = Sad Panda (speaking of sad panda)

On a side note: We don't have a clue who Chris or Megan are but thanks so much for the video.

My nurse, Lisa, just left a little bit ago. She was here for about 45 minutes because we had paperwork and whatnot to do this time. My stats are:

Temp 98.6
BP 110/60
Tiny's HB 146

I was worried that Matria (the company she works for) would be a home health care company where the turnover rate is really high and they didn't really specialize in maternity and obstetrics. Apparently, maternity and obstetrics are all Matria does. Plus some preemie home care. Matria is also part of Summa Health Care, which is a pretty big health care/insurance group up north of here. So I felt much better just knowing that.

Lisa was super nice and really good at her job. She put me completely at ease. We talked for a little while. Then she took my vitals (see above) and then she gave me my injection. We had sent Gavin to his room when she got there because the sight of needles sends him into a tailspin, even if they aren't for him. Rob kept Elliott Richard busy in the office because he does okay with the sight of needles, unless they are directed at me. That freaks him out and makes him angry. The injection was relatively painless. It takes a little over a minute for her to push the whole amount in because it's suspended in oil, which makes it really thick. I'm a little sore but not too bad. I told her that she has to be my nurse for the rest of the pregnancy because she's so good. :)

We spent a lot of the time talking about the boys. At one point our conversation turned to Gavin and his Autism/Asperger's. She said a good friend's son had been recently diagnosed. So I mentioned Gavin's school and ADHD. At that point I learned a little bit about her daughter and situation. It was nice to be talked to as a human being rather just another patient, just another number.

I'm incredibly greatful Lisa was assigned my case. I prayed to God that my nurse would be nice and good at giving the injections. Trust me when I say that some nurses suck at giving this type of injection! God granted this prayer...Lisa is awesome! She is going to be what helps make these injections livable for the next 18 weeks. Well, her and hearing Tiny's heartbeat once a week. :)

Woo, I can't believe I've posted 200 times. Granted, some of them are stuck in limbo for some reason another but still, I've written 200 posts. Crazy. lol

I was NOT having a real good day yesterday (no real surprise). I was 30 minutes late for an appointment because 77N was at a stand still for 20 minutes. A drive that normally takes 6 minutes took over 20. Later that afternoon I dropped Gavin off at speech and OT, and ran over to Circuit City to help friends pick out a new computer. I love helping people with computers, so that was really fun for me. While we were waiting to check out I got a call from Lizze (These calls always make me nervous, because I never know what is wrong). I answered the phone and the next thing I heard was Elliott saying "Daddy, I love you. Bye, Bye daddy." He missed me and brought the phone to Lizze and said "Daddy, phone." She called me so he could say hello. Words can't even begin to describe how much that meant to my. That was his very first phone call. I felt so good after that. A 30 sec. phone call made all the difference in the world.

Thanks Elliott..... Daddy loves you. :)

I'm grumpy. I'm hormonal (part of the whole pregnancy gig). I'm sick. I've been stalking my own blog lately for lack of anything else to do while sit here. I've tried to work on the Help in Stark County blog but I just don't have the attention span to do it right now.

I have a migraine so I took my medications, which make me loopy. When I'm loopy I usually either want to talk or write. Tonight I want to write.

Gavin had speech and occupational therapies today. Rob brought him home with a letter stating that Gavin's Speech Therapist would be leaving the practice in the middle of March. I want her to be happy and do what she needs to, however, she will be sorely missed. She was the best match for Gavin that I could have imagined. This is going to be a setback for him, for us. Now they have to try and find therapists to take over her patients, when they are all already so overloaded as it is. Plus we just got his schedule to the point where he had Occupational Therapy and then Speech immediately following; which worked out wonderfully for Gavin, as well, as for us. It's another wrench in our lives, that we really didn't need right now.

I received my progesterone injection kits this morning by FedEx. My nurse's name is Lisa and she will be here bright and early tomorrow morning at 8:30am. She said we would figure out then what my standing weekly appointment would be. We needed to get these injections started though so for now it's tomorrow. I'm still torn between being excited to hear Tiny. And between the fact that there will be mandatory needles involved.

When is it enough? How as a parent of a special needs child do we know when it's time to wave the white flag? When Gavin was attending our local public school, it was Hell. Plain and simple.

He had an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan) that stated he was to be sent to the Behavioral Specialist with a note, or even a blank piece of paper pretending to be a note, if he became upset but still manageable. His teacher Ms. Chenault (I have no qualms using her name here because other parents need to know what she was like from the stand point of a parent as a special needs child.) refused to do this. She would get into power struggles with him. She would yell in his face. Banish him to one side of the room to sit alone because the other children feared him.

When I set his I.E.P. up for kindergarten that year, I had his therapist there. I also had the school psychologist as well as a few other professionals. While we planned the I.E.P. his therapist was going to give Ms. Chenault tips and tricks for dealing with Gavin. Ms. Chenault refused to attend the meeting, although by law she is required to do so at some point during the meeting. Then when it came time for her to sign it - thereby agreeing to follow it - we had to wait for her to return from the bank! She was too busy with her own life to do what is required by law for her job. Gavin's I.E.P. had provisions for all of his difficulties. We tried our best to cover every base and every angle. Still Gavin struggled daily.

It became apparent to Rob and I that public schools, especially this particular district, was the wrong fit for Gavin when we were informed that Ms. Chenault had allowed another child's grandparent/guardian to take Gavin into the hallway and yell at him for his behavior and frightening her granddaughter. This never should have happened.

It was shortly there after that we learned Gavin was Autistic. You should have seen how quickly the principal's eyes became dollar signs when he heard that! I took great satisfaction in informing him that Gavin would be pulled from his school/school district to attend a charter school. He tried to assure me that his staff was "more than capable of teaching and caring for Gavin". I assured him that "his dollar signs were showing and they weren't quite so willing to teach him or care for him before the diagnosis so thanks but no thanks". It made me sick.

Granted, Rob and I would have probably pulled him anyway. The staff had no interest in doing what was best for Gavin, especially not if it inconvenienced them. However, even if they had tried we would have pulled Gavin. Trying does not mean that it is the best environment for any child. Gavin's teachers were in over their heads, on the best of days. His classmates were absolutely terrified of him. The other parents were wary of me because they had heard of me "through the grape vine". It was uncomfortable, at best.

We pulled him for his own safety, as well as for the safety of his classmates. There comes a point, when as a parent you need to make a decision that may make your life more difficult. There comes a point where, as a parent you must realize the one thing you would like to ignore above all else...that your child is a threat to himself and others. There comes a point, when action needs to be taken and sticking your head in the sand is no longer a defense mechanism. At that point, denying the truth does nothing more than harm others and make you look completely irresponsible.


While to some this post may make perfect sense, I'm sure that to the rest of you this is completely confusing. Unfortunately, this is another of those situations where unless you've lived it, you cannot truly understand it.


I simply needed to vent this. I needed to put this out there, even if only for my own benefit.

Elliott Richard has become obsessed with the "belly". Whenever he notices that the belly is there, he looks at me so sweetly and says "Belly?" So I show him the belly and he gives it hugs and kisses. I always ask him if he would like to tell the "belly" stories and he leans in really close and says "story". He won't tell you that the baby is in the belly. But if you ask him "where's the baby" he'll point to the belly. Recently he's started trying to play catch with the belly. It's so sweet! I'll have to have Rob take some video so I can post it.

My girlfriend, April, recently posted a comment to my "Help, we've fallen and we can't get up" blog that made me cry. I needed this. I needed to feel the unconditional love of a friend whom I've never had the privledge to meet face-to-face. A friend who does not judge me. I can't explain exactly how it helps or why it helps me to know that others believe in me and love me.

I've been struggling lately...I know, I hide it well. ;) I struggle to do the right thing for both of my boys. I struggle to eat the right things for Tiny. I struggle to get enough sleep. It is beginning to feel as if absolutely everything in my life lately has become a struggle. Gavin is a struggle. Elliott Richard is non-stop when Gavin is home. (The difference between Elliott Richard while Gavin was staying with my mom and Elliott Richard with Gavin at home is quite noticable.) I struggle to communicate with Rob effectively. I struggle to communicate my emotions period a lot of the time. And now I'm struggling to stay healthy.

As crazy as it may sound, while I know intellectually that my friends and family love and support me...sometimes it's just nice to hear it. It's nice to see it and read it. I recognize that not everyone can take Gavin for a day or two but it helps to know that you are there (or here) and care. An email. A joke. A glitter comment. Whatever. I just can't put into words how much it helps me to know that you love and support me (and all of us). In that moment, when I'm reading a comment or an email or whatever, I don't feel quite so alone. I don't feel like everything is stacked against me. Even if it's only for a moment, it helps.

I'm just so tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of everything being a struggle. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week. Maybe two.

I'm supposed to be working on labels and whatnot to try and make life easier within my household. I'm sick. I don't want to. So I'm stalling.

My laptop appears to be slowly dying. It's sad because I really like my little laptop. She's been good to me. But she's old and tired. Her CD/DVD Rom Drive just died. She doesn't even try anymore. *sniff* As long as the internet continues to work at least until Tiny is born, I'll be okay.

***I've been working on this post for a week now. I've been torn between not posting it and posting it. So I've fiddled with it and saved it a dozen times but I think it best describes the past week and why we did what we did.***

I'm still feeling like crap. Life has been crazy, per usual.

As for what's going on, I haven't blogged about it yet because I'm not sure how to say it without sounding like a...I guess a horrible person and failure as a mother.

I've posted before about how difficult it can be to live with Gavin and his Autism/Asperger's and everything else that he has (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression - just to name a few). Currently our family is in a state of "survival mode" as Gavin's psychiatrist puts it. Even daily life is a struggle to survive right now.

I've never been sick so many times - back to back - like this in my life. Usually I either get a cold that last a day or two and then I'm better or I get the really bad stuff like pneumonia. Lately though, I can't get well. It's one thing after another after another. I'm stressed. Elliott Richard isn't sleeping, which means Rob and I aren't sleeping either. The whole house is just filled with stress. It's suffocating. In an attempt to bring our family out of this spiral we're in, Gavin has gone to spend some time with my parents.

On the one hand, I know that this had to happen. I know that we had to get a break and get some help. On the other hand, I feel like I'm failing as a mother because I should have both of my children home with me. I should be able to handle this. I should be able to juggle everything and still come out on top. But I just can't right now.

We cannot do this alone. We are trying. We are struggling. And one of my biggest fears is that we will fail. My parents help us, any time that we need it. A few other family members try and help when they can. As horrible as this sounds, it isn't enough. I will be forever greatful for the help my parents offer us. I will be forever greatful for the help others other us when they can. However, it truly isn't enough. My parents can't help us as much as we need. We are trying to get respite care set up to get us as much help as possible but that requires two things we don't have enough of: money and time.

I've been searching the internet looking for contacts that can be made that will help. So far I've come across "Help Me Grow", I've never used this agency before because I really didn't understand who they were or what they did. I feel lucky that I've stumbled upon them when I did, hopefully they will be able to help us. Gavin's (MRDD) SSA, Andrea, is looking into funding but it will take a while to get it pushed through and approved. She is also going to help us with respite care, which will be tricky because respite care workers are prone to high turn-over rates and we can't have one person only to have start all over when that person up and quits. I'm doing everything within my power to pull a rabbit out of my hat and make this family work. But it still feels as if I'm not doing enough.

Help, we've fallen and we can't get up.

That's how I feel. I took a 2.5 hour nap yesterday and still went to bed at 10:00pm. And now I've got an ear ache and a sore throat. Blech.

I've been trying to make a list of the things I'd like to have accomplished before Tiny is born and/or I end up on bed rest. It feels like every time I write something down, I think of 5 more things to add. *sigh*

So far my list of Must Do items includes: get Elliott Richard's room gutted, get Elliott Richard sleeping in his room, rewash all the baby stuff in baby safe soap, have all of the out-grown baby clothes packed up and stored in the attic, find a way to make life as easy and smooth as possible for everyone, go on a tour of the hospital's new maternity/labor and delivery ward, have all of our contacts and case workers set up and established

And my list of Try to Do items includes: finish updating Gavin and Elliott Richard's baby books, finish the cross stitch birth announcement for Tiny, gut the attic and sell everything that is just taking up space, keep up with my pregnancy calendars and journal, find a baby book and baby journal for Tiny

That's all I can remember off the top of my head right now but those lists are still pretty long. I've already set up our tour of the hospital. I went for the earliest date I could get in case I do end up on bed rest, I want to have already seen the hosptial. Especially if I end up in the hospital, it would be nice to know where we are going. lol

I can't believe that Elliott Richard is going to be 2 years old in less than 2 weeks! It's crazy how quickly the time flies. He's still cutting his last tooth, which is being incredibly stubborn at this point. I'm not sure what we will be doing for his birthday though. It can't be anything that will get Gavin's back up and honestly, everything seems to get his back up lately. It's been suggested that we do nothing but that just seems wrong and unfair.

Today is Gavin's first day home in a week. Last Monday I called my Mom sobbing because after all the days off of school, coupled with snow days and weekends our house had been non-stop. I was sick, again, and not getting any better. And we were all on edge and getting on each other's nerves, so I asked her if she would take Gavin for a while. She took him Monday night after work and he came home last night after going grocery shopping with Grammy. Granted he came home for a few hours every day after school but for the most part he was with my parents. The break certainly helped but it feels like we barely just scratched the surface. Rob and I spent the whole week basically sleeping and trying to recoup, so we accomplished nothing. *sigh*

I keep trying to come up with ways to...peacefully co-exist, for lack of a better way to put it. But I keep falling short. I can't help but feel that if I were just a little more organized and on top of things that everything would be better. I try, Lord knows I do but it goes against everything I am. I don't know how to be organized. I can figure it out enough to set it up but when it comes time to implement it I just can't seem to get my brain around it and make sense of it. There's got to be a way though. I just haven't found it yet. At least, I hope there's a way and I just haven't found it yet. *sigh*

I just heard from the nurse with my insurance company. Insurance actually approved the progesterone injections so I'll have the package with the kits on Monday and then I'll call them and they'll tell me what my standing appointment is. I'm trying to focus on the positive, I'll get to listen to Tiny once a week (not counting Dr. D appointments and whatnot). I'm also trying to ignore the negative, pain in the butt (literally - lol) and needles. I'm terrified of needles. *shivers*

I've decided to open a second blog. The purpose of the second blog is to make a database of sorts that local people can find agencies and resources for assistance. I'm still gathering information but I'm hoping to have it up and running shortly.

Check it out and pass it on! :)

http://helpinstarkcountyohio.blogspot.com

What Tiny's been up to this week: We have two more ounces! Your "getting bigger-n-better by the minute baby" is already up to 7 ounces and 6 inches! This is a big week for their baby skin. There are now two distinct layers—the epidermis (or the surface skin) and dermis. Currently, their skin is covered with a greasy, waxy, cheese-like substance, known as vernix caseosa. Sure, it sounds pretty nasty, but this mixture of fatty secretions covering your little swimmer from head to toe is the best way to protect their oh-so-thin skin from bruising and abrasions as well as chapping caused by amniotic fluid exposure (and your little one is swimming in that stuff!). Still don’t like the fact your little darling is currently slathered in fatty cream like a greased pig? Well, you know the birthing process? Where you have to push something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a grape? That adorable little greased piglet would have a lot harder time getting through the birth canal without the vernix caseosa. Fun fact for momma’s with baby girls: it’s a uterus within a uterus! Your little girl will have developed a uterus and vagina canal by the end of this week.

Tiny has certainly been a busy little bee this week. I've been feeling more and more movement every day, although it's still a little muted from the placement of the placenta. The other night I was laying in bed after helping Elliott Richard fall back to sleep and I could feel the unmistakable "bomp bomp bomp" of the hiccups. :) Pregnancy is so amazing!

Update on the weekly progesterone shots: I spoke with Lori, one of the nurses at Dr. D's office. She said that I am the first patient ever to have been recommended the shots by my insurance company. Usually Dr. D requests the shots and the insurance company fights them on it. So when the insurance company suggested the injections, Dr. D jumped at the opportunity. So now I just have to wait for the nurse to call and set up my weekly appointments.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

It feels like my phone has rang non-stop all day yesterday. A few phone calls were just personal in nature. However, one of the phone calls was from a nurse with my insurance agency. Apparently they've just figured out that I'm pregnant and wanted to offer their assistance. They've set me up with a case manager to act as my liaison for all of my needs and whatnot throughout the pregnancy. Which is going to help in more ways than one. My case worker will be able to help me with services we need. She'll also be able to help me when the time comes for the blood thinners to start since it takes some special authorization to get them in the pre-filled syringes.

While I was talking to that first nurse she asked a bunch of questions about my previous pregnancies. So of course the topic of my preterm labor at 27 weeks with Elliott Richard came up, as well as all of my other complications throughout the pregnancy. So since I had preterm labor starting at 27 weeks and he born at 36 weeks, technically premature, that qualifies me for some certain things; which the nurse referred me for. The big thing at this point are weekly progesterone injections. There have been studies done that say that women with a history of preterm labor are 33% less likely to have preterm labor again if they receive these injections. On the one hand I'm excited because the way it works is that I'll have a standing weekly appointment with a visiting nurse. She'll come, take my vitals, check Tiny, listen to the heartbeat, assess me for signs of preterm labor and give me my injection.

I know that it will be very reassuring for me to have those weekly appointments. Just to have the opportunity to hear Tiny's heartbeat once a week independently of my appointments with Dr. D. At the same time though, I'm still doing research and trying to figure out if there are side effects that would lead me to not have the injections. So far, I've found some posts about a higher risk of hypospadias. But since Tiny's parts are all already formed it shouldn't affect us.

I've called Dr. D to get their opinions just to be sure. Although he had to send the referral after my case worker sent him the suggestion that I might benefit from the injections. So I'm sure he's okay with it. I just want to be sure. If he's on board, then I just have to wait for my insurance to approve what they suggested (how's that for slightly screwy? lol) and then set up my weekly dates with a needle and Tiny's heartbeat. :)

I saw this the other day and then recieved about 1,000 forwards since then so I thought I would share. Very moving. Watch and you will see what I mean.....

There is going to be a total lunar eclipse tonight. The main event begins at 9:01 p.m. ET, when the moon is completely covered by the darkest part of Earth's shadow. That translates to 8:01 p.m. CT, 7:01 p.m. MT and 6:01 p.m. PT. The total phase of the eclipse lasts 51 minutes, and the moon starts coming out of the darkest shadow, or umbra, at 9:52 p.m. ET.

I can't believe that it's only Tuesday. Oy. It seems so much later in the week.

Yesterday was insanity. I just tried to go to the grocery store. That's it. And it all went downhill from there. Gavin was hyper and "stimming" (stimulating behaviors used for the purpose of self-soothing) the whole time. Then my debit card wouldn't work so Rob had to bring me his and of course rather than suspending the transaction like he was supposed to, the manager voided the whole thing out. *sigh* So once I got back in the store with Rob's debit card I had to wait while she rang up all $150 worth of groceries again. When she had finished the total was $6 cheaper than it was the first time. *head desk* So then we spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what was off. Finally the manager (different from the one who voided the transaction) said to just let me pay and go home.

Some where during all of the Elliott carrying, cart pushing, dashing back and forth after debit cards etc I twisted my right knee, which is weakened anyway from an old gymnastics injury. So now my right knee is swollen and killing me! I have a knee brace with steel re-inforcements on both sides of my knees, that of course I can't find. *sigh*

Today has been pretty quiet. Elliott Richard and I had to have my car in to the Saturn dealership for repairs. Apparently there has been a recall of one of the belts and they need to replace it. While it's in there Rob and I decided to have the oil changed as well. So now I'm home with my nifty Pontiac Grand Prix rental car waiting to pick Gavin up from school and then go get my car back.

I'm still sick too. I think I'm getting worse but I'm not bad enough that the Dr. D could actually do anything for me. It just sucks. I'm stuffed up, coughing (as if both lungs are threatening to come up), my whole body hurts (especially my chest from all this coughing) and I think I'm starting to get a fever because my eyes are starting to burn they way they do when I'm spiking a fever. (I haven't taken my temp yet because the thermometer is upstairs and me and my bad knee are downstairs.) I just feel like poo.

It just feels like life is getting crazier by the day. So I have decided I would like off the roller coaster for a while. Please?

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow. In 2 weeks time, I'll be exactly half way there. Slowly over the last week or so my hands have begun to swell. It's mostly in the morning and usually goes away by lunch. Although the swelling is making it rather diffcult to get my engagement ring, wedding band and Grandmother's ring off my fingers. I think I'm going to have to find a silver chain somewhere so that I can just switch over to wearing my rings on a chain around my neck for the rest of the pregnancy.

A friend of mine (Thanks Amanda!) sent me a link for an article about the fall-out/follow up from the whole BB9 fiasco. A part of me recognizes that CBS has no real control over the houseguests. A part of me also feels that if other houseguests have been kicked off for racists comments, then it's time to follow that up here. Something needs to be done. In BB8 a houseguest broke the house rules and BB brought about consequences for it. They need to find a consequence for this.

I'm sick, again. It would appear that I have that nasty cold thing that turns horribly nasty overnight. I feel like I've been run over by a semi, which keeps backing up over me again every once in a while.

I just wanted to post something real quick before I return to my couch. I stumbled upon this story on MSN.com's main page. It's a story about a 1 yr old who surrived a tornado but lost his mother. It could be a combo of hormones, complete overload and being sick. But I sobbed while I read the story. What a miracle, little "Tumbleweed" is.

Back to my couch, now.

Yup, Rob and I have picked out a name. Too bad I can't tell you what it is because then you'd know Tiny's sex. It's a shame because it's a cute name. Ah well, you'll find out in 4.5 months. :p lol

My poor body is so confused. To look outside, it appears to be later than 8:00am. To listen to my body, it's more like 3 or 4 am. *sigh* I feel like poo. I don't know if I'm having a Fibro flare or if I'm coming down with some nasty bug. I've been lucky so far this pregnancy in that I haven't had any Fibro flares yet. Rob did some research on pregnancy and Fibro. Apparently, if you start the pregnancy in the midst of a flare there's a good chance the flare could last most, if not all, of the pregnancy. However, if you start the pregnancy while you are not experiencing a flare or any major symptoms, there is a small chance that the Fibro may not come back. I was hoping for the latter but it doesn't appear I'll be that lucky.

Of course, I could have just over-done things more than I realized yesterday. I had some running around to do and then I picked Gavin up at my parents house. After that I wanted to take the boys to an indoor playland at McDonald's so they could get some wiggles out. The winter weather is killing us all but them especially because they have no room to wiggle. lol So I called my BFF Debbie to see if she wanted to meet us with her son, Marc. (Marc and Gavin were in the same class last year.)

So we all met at McDonald's and had lunch. Then Gavin and Marc played in the playland for a while before Debbie and I decided to check out The Flower Factory, which is never a good idea for me when I can't actually buy anything. lol But we had fun. Gavin and Marc did really well. Elliott Richard was a champ considering it was way past his nap time and he was exhausted. And Debbie and I got to pretend for a little while that we didn't have the weight of the world on our shoulders. :) We will definitely have to do that again, soon!

Of course, I couldn't leave my day at that because that would have been the sensible thing to do. lol Once we got home I put Elliott Richard to bed (he had fallen asleep in the car 5 minutes before we got home) and relaxed for a little while. Once he woke up I tackled my bedroom. I had baskets and baskets of clean clothes that had been folded but never sorted or put away. I put them away. Then I needed to use the Linen Closet but couldn't because it had become a sort of "catch all/junk closet" so I cleaned it out. I pitched a ton of stuff! :) Then I reorganized the closet so that some of the space/drawers could be used to store my PTA stuff. So I put some of the PTA stuff away so that Elliott Richard can't keep playing with it. The rest of the night was pretty quiet.

And now, here I sit. Exhausted with swollen fingers (yes, it's starting already) feeling like poo. Rob and I are considering having an "Ebay Garage Sale". There's a ton of stuff that we have and don't need or want and would love to get rid of. So I'm checking out Ebay to see if it's even worth messing with...I think I'm going to be lazy today, which stinks because I was hoping to get the mess in Elliott Richard's room/nursery sorted out so that we can begin to seriously plan for Tiny. Shoot. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.