Cheerio Confessions

This was a smile only my reflexes aren't what they used to be before sleep deprivation. lol

"Party at my crib 2 a.m."

(Sportin' the onesie from "Auntie" Nikky. I wonder if she was trying to warn me of what was to come....)

Brotherly snuggles

Sportin' his "Finding Nemo" bandaid

Sportin' his crazy, silly face

I know many of you are patiently waiting for an update to the Please Pray blog. I appreciate all of your prayers, thoughts, emails, etc. It helps just knowing that y'all care. When I have something definitive to post...y'all will be the first to know. After Rob, of course. ;)

Mr. Emmett John had a follow-up appointment with Dr. H today. Dr. H wanted to check him out now that he's been on the Xantac for his reflux for a little over a week.

We got there. Checked in. Went back to the room. Weighed Emmett John. And this is where things get crazy. My Tiny...Mr. Exclusively-Breastfed...now weighs 9lb 15.5oz!!! He gained 1lb 2oz in 8 days!!! I asked Dr. H if that was normal and he said, "It makes him an over-achiever." lol

Dr. H checked Emmett out. And I asked about a zillion questions...

Emmett's belly button still bleeds a little bit from time to time. Dr. H said he has the tiniest little bit left to heal but he doesn't feel it needs cauterized.

He's got a rash across his shoulder blades. It's heat rash, nothing to worry about.

The Xantac is working great! As is the milk-free diet and I've never wanted a milk shake or bowl of cereal so badly in my entire life!

Then during his exam Dr. H noticed that the fat rolls on Emmett's legs are uneven. (I didn't even know they looked at stuff like that!!!) He said that it's probably just one leg is chubbier than the other but it could also be his hips. Apparently uneven fat rolls can signify an issue with loose hips. So now Emmett needs to have an ultrasound done on his hips (x-rays don't help right now because his hip bones aren't calcified so there's nothing there to show up) to check his hips. If it is his hips (and not uneven chub) he'll have to wear a special "pants" to hold his legs in a certain position while nature takes it's course.

Overall, Tiny is practically perfect in every way. Again. :)

We've got smiles!!!

Emmett John gave Daddy and I our first real social smiles this afternoon!

I've been trying get an enchore performance all day so I could take a few pictures to post but he hasn't been playing along. lol

All stretched out...

A little help from Mommy with that tricky bink.

(it never stays in for very long lol)

Waving hello to his peeps!

Cold and naked - Emmett John's two least favorite things in the world.

Friends don't let friends play with the setting on their camera phones. lol Even though this picture is yellow (and thereby ruined) I love the expression on his face. lol

Elliott Richard sporting his boo-boo and a cheesey grin

Just lounging and enjoying some Oreos.

Up close and personal

Showing off sippy

Playing with his helicopter

Elliott Richard's new love...all things mechanical that fly.

Boppy-headed Daddy (lol)

(Yes, I know the picture is blurry. That's what happens when you take pictures while laughing hysterically.)

Mommy and the "Babes"

The Return of Boppy-headed Daddy

There are many things going on right now in our lives. Things I don't really feel comfortable blogging about at this time. Maybe another time. Until then please pray for us. We need all the prayers you can spare on our behalf. Please.

I don't know if this will work. On the off chance it does, here's a video of Elliott Richard saying his newest words (with translations supplied by me) I took this morning.

So we are van shopping out of necessity. Since Emmett was born we are driving places in shifts. Also with Gavin's current condition deteriorating we need more room. Anyway, we have been looking for a little while and realized vans are pretty expensive. We found one that we really like and it's about $1500 less then the blue book value. We need a van with captain seat in the middle so we can get to Gavin if we need to. Also with the bench seats we would have to undo the car seats each time he got in and out.... So here's a clip of the one we are looking at.....

It's 11:25pm as I begin to write this. We are all just getting to bed. Gavin spending the night at Grandma W's. Rob is finishing some work with Elliott Richard's "help" before they head off to bed. I just climbed into bed with a very fussy Emmett John a few minutes ago.

Our day has consisted of 2 different doctors appointments, 3 different medical tests, and 8 hours total for it all.

Gavin had an appointment at 1:00pm with Dr. R, his psychiatrist. That appointment lasted 2 1/2 hours. It included 1 major meltdown, a few manipulations, a lot of conversation and planning. In the end, it was once again determined that Gavin is an especially difficult case and no one truly knows what to do to help him. Or us. However, rather than do nothing (except to slowly go insane) we are going to cut his dose of Abilify (again) by more than half and add a new medication on a temporary basis to try and "reset" his anxiety level. I pray to God it works. We can't keep living in a war zone.

By the time we got out of Dr. R's office it was 3:00pm. Emmett John's 1 month/jaundice follow-up appointment was at 4:00pm, which meant we didn't have time to get home and drop Rob and Gavin off and then for Emmett John and I to get back in time. So we grabbed a bite to eat to kill some time.

Emmett's appointment was at 4:00pm. We didn't get back to the exam room until about 4:30pm. The nurse measured Emmett and then we weighed him. He grew another 1/4 inch in two weeks. He's now 21.5 inches long. His weight gain is what kills me! Mr. Emmett John now weighs 8lb 13.5oz. Meaning he gained a pound and a half in 2 weeks!!!!! Not bad for an exclusively breastfed baby. (This is the point where my cousin Sam would tell me I don't make milk. I make butter. lol)

When Dr. H came in to chat and examine Emmett we mentioned Emmett's fussiness and clingy behavior since Saturday/Sunday. I honestly didn't think too much of it but we figured it was worth mentioning. He asked a few dozen questions and said it's most likely colic. Possibly some minor reflux but probably colic. Then while we was examining Emmett he noticed that he had pooped so to be sure he did a fecal hemioccult test (testing for blood in his stool). The test was ever so slightly positive. This led to two more of the same test. One inconclusive. One negative. So Dr. H sent Emmett for a CBC blood draw to be sure. The CBC was normal except his red bloodcell count was low. We sat and talked over everything with Dr. H for a while and in the end we decided that he would send Emmett John for an abdominal x-ray just to be sure that there wasn't something we were missing. By this time it was 6:00pm and we'd been in doctors appointments for 5 hours. So we left Dr. H's office and made a quick stop at Rob's parents' house so I could nurse Emmett. Then it was off to the hospital for the x-ray.

The x-ray went really quick and easy. Then we waited while the radiologist read it and paged Dr. H. Who then called us back at the hospital. Everything was perfect! He said it's most likely colic but he wants us to give him 1/4 teaspoon of Maalox or Mylanta every 6-8 hours when he's fussy to see if it helps. If that helps, then it's likely some mild reflux and we can get him a prescription to help. He said that it could also be a milk sensitivity and just to cover all of our bases, he wants me cut all of the main milk products out of my diet. No more milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream etc. If the no milk thing helps but doesn't fix it, I'll have to decide if I want to cut all milk and soy products out or switch to formula. (Sound familiar, Sammers?) But for now at least we have a game plan.

All told, we spent 8 hours either at doctors' appointments or in the hospital. By the time I started this blog at 11:25pm, I was absolutely exhausted. In fact, I'm only finishing it now because Emmett decided it would be fun to hang out and check out the night time scenery in between bouts of fussing and screaming in my ear.

I love being a mom. ;)

Emmett John is 4 weeks old today. He will officially be 1 month old on Saturday, July 26th. Here are the things I've noticed over the past week...

• He is awake for about a half hour 2-3 times a day.
• He's been very fussy and clingy over the past few days. Only wanting Mommy most of the time.
• We discovered the joys of the Boppy pillow (pictures coming soon). He will chill in it for maybe 10 mintues each time he is awake just checking out the scenery and enjoying the view.
• He gets a super concerned look on his face whenever he gets the hiccups.
• He isn't quite sure about this thing called "Brotherly Love" from Elliott Richard. (see picture in previous post)
• He has officially graduated to Size 1 diapers and is quickly out-growing his Newborn sized clothes!
• He has the softest little hands and feet. I am just in love with them.
• He had his first official bath (completely submerged and everything)!
• Big noises don't seem to bother him very much (i.e. Gavin's fits) for the most part but tiny little noises make him jump out of his skin.

Big yawn!

(I don't know why but I just love this picture. lol)

My chunky monkey sporting his Size 1 diaper!

(Woo whoo!)

More Brotherly Love

(I love this one because Emmett just does not look too sure about this "brotherly love" thing. lol)

My Permanent Attachment

(This is where Emmett John has been located for the past 2-4 days.)

"Who me?! I didn't do it!"

Yesterday was my due date. I didn't even realize it until my Mom said something while we were gabbing on the phone. That's three due dates I've had come and go in life. (Four due dates if you count the miscarriage in 2005.)

I know things are figured differently for preemies (even "late term preemies" like Emmett) but I've never really understood the whole adjusted age thing. But basically that means that Emmett John is now officially full term. :)

I can't believe that yesterday was the "Goal" but he's already been here for 4 weeks. Life is just crazy sometimes.

*Where my girls at?*
I've been blessed enough recently to see "Sex and the City" the movie. I love it. But I find myself wondering the same thing I wonder while watching the television show. I find myself wondering if having a group of girls to go through life with is the norm. Are they normal? Thereby making me abnormal in the fact that my best friends are women I've never met. Or am I normal in the fact that I lost touch with my high school friends and never really became super duper close with another group of females since then?

Don't get me wrong here, I have girlfriends. I have Debbie, whom I love to bits. I have Gavin's teachers, whom I talk to about nearly everything when school is in session. I have my mom, my aunts and my cousins; as well as Rob's mom and sisters. But it just seems different. It feels different than what I imagine it must feel like to be Carrie and the girls.

So which is it blogland? Am I normal for not having a posse of girlfriends with standing dinner dates etc? Or am I a freak of nature who is missing out?

*Hypothetically, do you think...*
I was asked today if I felt (hypothetically) that having Gavin living some place else that was safe, with people I trusted would help our situation.

My answer?

I believe that once we all adjusted and "recovered" we would emotionally and mentally be in a better place.

This probably sounds mean and cruel but please allow me to explain. I feel this way because if Gavin were living some place else safe (i.e. with my parents), Rob and I would no longer have to keep Gavin separated from the boys. Our home would no longer a war zone. We wouldn't have to either reprimand Gavin or Elliott Richard for doing what comes naturally to them. (Being affectionate in Elliott Richard's case. Hating physical contact in Gavin's case.) We wouldn't have to worry about Elliott Richard or Emmett John getting caught in one of Gavin's rages. There are so many things that we wouldn't have to worry about.

Would we miss him? Absolutely.

Would we feel horrible having to separate our family like that? Without a doubt.

Would it help us all to survive in the end? Probably.

(Disclaimer: I am not asking for help, money or handouts. I am writing this blog to help you further understand exactly where we are and to get it all out of my head. So please do not take the portion below (or the portion above for that matter) as anything other than information.)

*Is it possible?*
Is it possible that the light at the end of our tunnel is a train? Or two? Or ten?

I mean there are so many things that we will work our entire lives to get out from under and still never see the light of day.

For example, we need a new home for various reasons. However, our options are limited by many things. We cannot live in an apartment, duplex, townhouse etc because of Gavin and his "something more". Which leaves buying a house, renting a house or a land contract.

There is a house we love. It belonged to a very dear friend of ours and Rob's parents/family. We are praying for a miracle to happen that will allow for us to get this house. Miracles of this type and magnitude do not happen to/for us.

We have been fighting for 7-8 years in order to live in a war zone. Every time it feels as though progress has been made and the end of the war (not just the end of a particular battle) is near, another motion is filed and we are thrown back into a life of turmoil. This battle has cost us more emotionally, mentally, psychologically and physically than anyone can imagine. Financially it has cost us $50,000 and that amount is still climbing. If we are ever able to end the war and cease paying in all ways not financial, we will still be buried under that financial debt.

We currently have a small family car. It is nowhere near large enough for our family. Especially not with Gavin and his "something more". We need a van. Desperately. My mother has offered to help us. Too bad we may have to choose between a new home and a "new" car.

Even the small things are making life more difficult. A few months ago my laptop died. It was nearly 10 years old so it was bound to happen. However, now it's gone. I'm without a laptop. And while this may not seem like a big deal to some of you, especially given everything else we have going on at the moment. For me, with Emmett John so fussy and clingy that I can't put him down I need that laptop to keep up with the Etsy store. I need it to keep listing cards. To keep bringing in a little bit of extra income. I need it for my sanity. It's gone. I don't know if/when we'll have the money to replace it.

At this point, I'm having a really difficult time trusting in God and having faith that those lights are not trains. Many, many trains.

So much of our lives for the past 8 years has been wrapped up in Gavin. Now he is coming unraveled and taking our family down with him. I have called everyone I know to call. I'm waiting to hear back. I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I, me personally, need to break-down. I need some help. I'm not likely to get any. I think Emmett's fussy period is because I'm so stressed out. I'm worried that if I can't get a break, get some help, or something then my milk supply is going to suffer. That may seem like a silly thing to worry about given everything else that we have going on but it's important to me. Breastfeeding is important to Emmett and important to me to be able to give him that advantage.

This blog does absolutely nothing to convey exactly how lost I feel. I'm sitting here watching everything fall apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I love being a wife and mother more than anything else and I know I'm completely useless in both regards lately. My patience is gone. I'm falling short on keeping up with stuff. My marriage is suffering. We are about to be faced with some very difficult decisions and I'm so worried that they will tear my marriage apart.

I honestly don't know what to do...I am completely and utterly lost.

Rob and I met with Patty tonight. Things are gettinng messier with every passing hour.

Gavin had meltdowns all day long. He is rapid cycling. One minute he was hyper, talking really fast (more insane rambling than talking), very animated. The next minute he was flying off the handle, freaking out, melting down and completely falling apart.

If we told him "no", he would first say "okay" and seem totally fine with it. Then he would disolve into a rage 2 minutes later.

Round and round we went today.

We have an emergency appointment with Dr. R on Thursday. They are discussing switching Gavin's medications again. We are running out of options as far as medications for Gavin goes. Personally, I think it's going to take a "cocktail" of different medications to truly stabilize him. Not just the "perfect dose" of one, single medication.

We cut Gavin's meds by 50% about a week ago. Since then he has been slipping back into what appears to be a manic phase. We had to start taking away his TV remote at night because he has begun waking up again in the middle of the night again with compulsive urges to do things. Last night I woke up at 4am only to find Gavin in bed watching one of his shows. He said he "HAD" to watch them.

He has also begun trying to build these inventions again. He builds these things out of Kinex (sp?) and found this wire that was used to hold a toy in its package. He wrapped this wire around the "Antenna" he created for his invention and expects it to become alive. He has spent the last 2 days trying to make it come to life. He refuses to walk away from it. He keeps saying he has to do it. There is an urgancy in his voice when he speaks about it.

We see Patti tonight and will discuss other options we may have for the behavioural side of things. We will be going back to appointments every week again. Pray for Gavin that he can pull out of this one......



UPDATE:

His doctor just called and they are out of town at another office right now. They are going to discuss new medication(s) and call us back shortly. They were so nice and they definatly feel for us. We will update when we know more...

(And yes, I am that big a nerd that I posted it on my sidebar as well. lol)

Eat, Drink, Sleep, Preppy is having a Wacky Wednesday Giveaway!

If you go to this particular blog and leave a comment you could win a monogramed apron! If you win and tell them that Lizze sent you, I'll win one too! :)

I knew at 4am this morning that today was going to be one of "those" Mondays. Emmett woke up fussing his little head off. Nothing I did helped him. He wasn't hungry. He didn't need changed. He didn't want to cuddle. I nursed him. Nothing. I burped him. Nothing. Nothing worked. He finally fell back to sleep at 6am. I wasn't far behind. Unfortunately, he woke up again at about 7-7:30am, which brought my total sleep for the night to a whopping 3 hrs. I'm not used to this because he's normally such a good little sleeper.

FYI: when you've only had 3 hrs of sleep it's probably not a good idea to try and get some left over birthday cake for breakfast. And if you *just have to have* that piece of cake, make sure your plate is safely on the table. That was my mistake...the plate. The plate crashed to the floor. Shattered. And little bits flew up and nicked the top of my left foot. What fun.

Since then, my day has been a blur of fussy screaming/crying Emmett John. A nap - thank God. More fussing. More screaming. Nursing. Diaper changes. Trip to the grocery store. Still *more* fussing. And now I'm pinned to the bed by a sleeping but not fussing Emmett John.

I made my first phone call of the new school year to Gavin's school today. School starts August 18th. I've got my first PTA meeting with the school director and my partner in crime a week before school starts. (Hi Debbie!) Then we've got Orientation a few days after that.

I'm torn though. I'm so excited for school to start again. But at the same time, I'm terrified. I don't know how to juggle everything. I have a school full of parents and I don't know how to get them excited to help out. I can't figure out how to get them involved. I'm an ADHD adult and I know I can keep this organized if only I could tap into that part of my brain. I have to be on the top of my game to make this work. Right now, I can't figure out how to get back there.

My grandmother is just the sweetest person in the world. She just recently got her first computer. It's a Mac and I don't even understand Macs but she has caught on really fast and we are very proud of her for that. My grandmother has entered the 21st century and is now emailing and surfing the web.

Lizze and I both regret that we cannot visit her more often. Our lives simply don't afford us the ability to go anywhere anymore. However, she faithfully reads this blog and keeps up to date of all happenings. We are very greatful that she takes the time to read this blog. She also manages to somehow know when we need to talk because she just happens to call at that moment. She is never a bother when she calls, even though she may feel like it. We don't get many calls asking us how we are so it's nice. It makes Gavin's day to get letters in the mail from Great Grandma because it makes him feel important. She never forgets birthdays even if she's a little late remembering :)...... Oh and she LOVES taking pictures...... :)

Well I have to get back to the challenges in my life but I will leave you with this picture.

















My Father on the far left (whom Emmett is named after), me, on my lap is Elliott Richard and the my grandmother is on the far right.....




Thanks Grandma. Keep the emails coming. We can't always replay but we do enjoy reading them.

We Love You...

Rob, Lizze, Gavin, Elliott and Emmett

If today is any indication of whats to come the rest of the week has in store, augggh.

The day began with a giant meltdown because he pushed the wrong button on the remote to his TV. Instead of asking for help he lost it and I mean lost it. It took me 30 minutes to get through to him, which is more like me talking and Gavin wondering when he is getting hi slego's back. His doctor has decided that Gavin may be over medicated and so we have cut his meds in half. This really doesn't make any sense because the problems are there with or without the meds. It was more manageable on the meds I guess. Anyway, now all hell is breaking lose and we have to wait a "couple weeks" to find out if the reduction in meds is going to work. Most of me is screaming bu**shit on this move because it doesn't make any sense. He wasn't getting worse on the meds, the meds were no longer helping... I know it sounds like the same thing but it is different.

Elliott is in the "TERRIBLE" two's right now. He is "SCREAMING" all the time. He doesn't listen very well right now. I know he is two but he is way advanced for his age. I know everyone says that about their kids but Gavins doctors are telling us this. Other then that Elliott is doing good.

Emmett is going through a really fussy phase right now. I don't think were are ready to look at colic yet but he crys "CONSTANTLY" right now. Even Lizze is struggling to be able to comfort him. But other then that he is physically healthy.

Lizze and I are really trying to figure out life. We just cannot seem to catch a break. All three of the kids are constantly screaming and we are getting pushed further and further past our limit. When I turn around I can't even see our limit anymore. We so despratly need a break. Lizze and I have gone out 2 or three times in past 3 or four years.
Lizze made a whole bunch of new cards but we can't get enough time to put them online. The computer is in limbo right now. I spoke last week about our hard drive failure and how we lost 500gb of our info (ranging from all past taxs, all of our company records and the past 8 years worth of pictures (totalling around 14,000 pictures). I was able to recover some of them but not all. Seagate sent me a new hdd but sent out the wrong one. So I called to talk to customer service and ask for the correct one. The guy I spoke with happened to here all the chaos in the background and took pity on me. He is going to find an exact match for my dead drive so I can swap out the logic board and hopefully recover all of our info. He is going to sift through over 600 of my model drives they have in stock to do so. Please cross your fingers because he is supposed to call me today with the results.

Lizze is supposed to be in court next week. Our attorney and Gavin's doc's are trying to make it go away. Which should be possible since the whole thing is based on misinformation, no scratch that, the whole thing is based on lies and we can easily prove everything but that's not the point. We shouldn't have to endure this abuse any longer. Our lives are hard enough as it is and we only get one try. No of this makes any sense why they would do thins, it won't benefit them in any way shape or form. There is NO WAY Lizze can be separated from Emmett for an entire day. Emmetts pediatrician won't let him go all the way down there. Which is good because we wouldn't take him anyways. As it stands I will stay home with Emmett and try to bottle feed him but I don't know how well that will go over. We just need to be left alone so we can pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild our family and hopefully move forward, with Gavin.

As it stands I just don't know how much longer we will last.....

I'm slowly rediscovering exactly who I am with a newborn/infant in our home. I am sleep deprived (duh). I have an overwhelming desire to be "super woman". (Overwhemling is the perfect word too because being super woman is just that...overwhelming.) I am a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. (Not necessarily in that order.) I am tired, achey and always on the alert. I am happier than I've been in a long time.



My hormones have finally evened out. The only time I still get a surge of them with the need to cry is during those perfect, kismet moments with Emmett. The sight of him in my arms still has the power to bring me to tears. The sound of his wimpers/sighs as he tries to get comfy. The deep, body-shuttering sigh when he has a fully belly and sleep-heavy eyelids and is perfectly content.

Chillin' with the Mommy

Ahhhh...a full belly, snuggling with the Mommy...life doesn't get much better than this.

Getting some brotherly love

Tiny little feet

3 weeks old and soooo long

I could not get a picture with those legs not moving a mile a minute. lol

Sweet dreaming (Yeah, I know. It's a little blurry. But just look at that "grin"! lol)

The Drama King

The Thinker

So Content

Okay so tomorrow is my birthday. Historically, the week of my birthday (the 6 days before and the day of) sucks! This week has been par for the course. (See here.) I was hoping that if I was too busy/tired/stressed to recognize my impending birthday that maybe it wouldn't suck this year. So far that plan has backfired. Well it backfired until now. :)

So far this week lots of crazy crappy stuff has happened. (Again that's par for the course.) The high points of the week have been:

Nikky had Junior! (Yay!)
Cold Stone Creamery sent me a coupon for FREE ICE CREAM!!! (Yum!)
I may have "Girls Only" plans for lunch tomorrow. (Well, girls and Emmett. lol)
I get to finally get my hair cut today! (Woo who!)

This is where my birthday gift to myself and a child I'll never meet comes in. My hair is really long but the ends are all perm. I've been excited about my haircut but bummed at the same time because it seems like such a waste to throw all my hair away. I really, really, really wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love but I assumed I couldn't because of the perm.

I was wrong!!!! :)

I am so stinking excited I can't even tell you! I'll be happy to ditch my "Duggar-esq" hairstyle. I'll be sure to have Rob take plenty of before and after pictures. :)

I can't believe it's been three weeks since Emmett John made his grand entrance into the world. I suppose he's growing by leaps and bounds. I'm sure he's changing everyday right before my very eyes. But he still looks like my Tiny to me. I'm still amazed by all the new and different things I notice about him.

• He's started a game of sorts when nursing. He "sneaks" up on it a few times but never really latches on. Then he waits before "attacking"! lol
• At birth his eyes were such a dark blue that they looked almost black to me. Now they are slowly beginning to lighten into a deep blue.
• He's getting much better at lifting his head up. Although he always "over does it" and begins to look more like a huge bobblehead doll than a 3 week old baby. lol
• He loves his binkies. If we offer one and he isn't interested, he scowls and does this little gagging noise. Then he continues to scowl even after the bink is removed.
• His favorite face is the "fish face".

He's just getting so big. I keep coming back to "I'm not ready. I don't want him to grow up." He's the last one. My last baby. There will be no more pregnancies. No more babies. No more tiny clothes and tinier diapers. *sob*

This has been the week from HELL.
This is what has happened so far:

1) Our stimulus check is now 2 months late. We were desperately waiting for that.
2) Lizzes laptop finally completely died.
3) My really nice Braun Self-Cleaning Razor died yesterday. I bought that a few years ago, so it's lasted I guess.
4) We are at our wits end with poor Gavin. Things are really, really getting bad.
5) Our house is continuing to fall apart. We are renting so we can move but are limited because of Gavin's behavior. We cannot get an apartment or townhouse or duplex because of Gavin's fits.
6) I scrapped Lizze's laptop for parts and got some hardware for our desktop to allow for easier backup of our pictures and company information. During the process of installing the external hardware, my new 500gig SATA drive died. The logic board shorted out. I have tried to track down the exact same model and revision but no luck. It died before I could back it up. I have lost 8 years of information. We lost the first 2 years worth of pictures of Elliott Richard. I am so angry with myself for not backing it up sooner. I also lost every movie (and the RAW files) I have created over the past 2 years. I lost ALL our business records. I have been so distracted that I became complacent in my backups. I don't know if we can recover any of the loss. Recovery ranges for $300 to $3000+. Segate will replace the drive no problem but not the memories. I don't care about the business stuff, but the pictures of my baby breaks my heart. I still have all the raw video of Elliott and Emmett but not pictures. We lost over 14,000 pictures last night. Everything else is replaceable. My backups that I did have were destroyed a few monthes ago when our house was struck by lightning for the 2nd or 3rd time in 5 years. And with Lizze on bed rest and Gavin struggling backing up wasn't a priority. BACKUP< BACKUP< BACKUP> Learn from my mistakes.
7) Since all the company data is gone I have to start over from scratch. I had to mail my invoices today to avoid the 70 mile round trip to the office on Thursday when they are due. I have to start completely over.

My nearest and dearest Nikky is currently at the doctor's office. She will be 39 weeks pregnant with her first later this week. She is *very* uncomfortable and looking for an end to come soon. I know she's really anxious to meet Jr and see him. Not to mention be able to "sleep" without loads of pain. (Sssshhhh...we won't tell her about how sleep is a thing of the past once Jr is here. lol)

So if you're so inclined and you have a moment or two...please pray that Jr gets, understands and follows his eviction notice.

Gavin came home this morning and we found out that Grandma W caught him sneaking Lego's when he knew he was not allowed. He keeps claiming that he "Forgets". This is so frustrating because it appears that Gavin has become a liar.

We have known for a while now that Gavin has major problems but how do we know when he is lying. How can you tell when your autistic/bipolar child is lying to you or honestly unable to remember. It's so hard for Lizze and I because with everything he has going on, memory loss isn't out of the question. We struggle because it seems like he can remember the things that are important to him (but that isn't always the case either).
It sometimes seems that some of the repeditivness is compulsive on his part (again which is VERY possible). For example, if we tell him "No Lego's" he will throw a fit and then ask again 5 minutes later, but it's like he's asking for the first time all over again. So we may have heard him ask 5 times but each time he asks he thinks he is asking for the first time. We have had this happen over and over again for days at a time. Does that make sense?
The other side of the coin is that he may be minipulating us (because he has become EXTREMELY minipulative). He will ask the same question 10 different ways to try to get what he wants and then freak out each time we tell him NO.

It gets to the point where we have to ignore him completely, which feels terrible. I know I can only take so much. The doctors don't seem to have anything to offer as far as what to do. All we are told is he has to held accountable for his actions. The problem is how can you punish a child for something they may have no control over and how do you tell the difference?

Emmett John and I have been home for 2 weeks today.

I can't believe it. I'm still pretty sore if I don't take it easy. Or if I try and do too much. Apparently I'm going to have to relearn my limits or discover my new limits.

My hormones are still sorting themselves out. It's nowhere near the worst it's been since Emmett's birth. I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal. Mainly I've been tearing up at appropriate times and triggers. Sad parts in television shows. Sad songs on the radio. Stuff like that. And at least I'm no longer bursting into tears. Only tearing up.

Emmett John is turning out to be quite the laid back little baby. He was awake at 4:00am today. It didn't occur to me until later in the day that he's been working so hard to build up and increase my milk supply and last night it wasn't coming in fast enough for him. We've had this same problem all day today. He wants more but it just doesn't happen that quickly. Other than that, he's content to snuggle with me or relax in his swing or bouncy seat. He's awake more during the day now. And I just love watching him check out the world around him. He's just fascinated with Elliott Richard, which Elliott Richard *loves*.

Elliott Richard has been having a pretty good week. He's definitely entering the "terrible two's". He wants to pick everything out himself. Do it himself. As polite as he is, he still demanding while using his manners. It's a good thing he's so darn cute. ;) lol Other than the terrible two's, Elliott Richard is *all about Emmett*. When I change Emmett's diaper, Elliott is right there helping. When I nurse Emmett, Elliott is right there asking if the baby is hungry for nummies. He's quite the little helper when he's not trying to help by burying me in diapers, clothes, or blankets. lol

Gavin...well, he's Gavin. He's been claiming lately that he "doesn't hear" us, however, it's becoming more apparent that he's lying and not having a difficult time hearing us. I can say this because he hears us when it benefits him. When we call him for meals. When we tell him that we are going somewhere fun or doing something he wants to do. He only "doesn't hear" us when we ask him to do something (pick up your toys, bring down your dirty clothes etc).

It's also been asked where the pictures of the three boys together are. Long story short, they don't exist. Gavin is too volatile and unpredictable at the moment to have that kind of contact with Emmett. Never mind the fact that he is completely uninterested in Emmett. He doesn't ask about him. He doesn't look at him. He doesn't even react when Emmett cries. It's as if in Gavin's world, Emmett does not exist. For us to get pictures of that nature we would have to force Gavin to do something he is not comfortable with, which is just asking for trouble.

Overall, I'm starting to feel like I'm finding my footing as a stay-at-home mom again. I figure right about the time I have the home life down to a science again; I'll get to try and work in my duties as a President of the PTA at Gavin's school. lol It never stops does it?

Well Gavin is at Grandma W's and I thought I would take a few moments to do a quick family update.

Emmett is doing great. I'll leave it at that because Lizze will post more later. Elliott has really taken to Emmett and is VERY good with him. Elliott loves to hold Emmett (as seen in the pictures Lizze posted earlier)and showers him with kisses and "nice touches"(Elliott is supervised of course).

Gavin is a whole different story. Gavin is really not doing very well at all. Everything is a struggle with him. Gavin doesn't hold or have physical contact with Emmett. The reason for that is the MAJOR safety concerns for Emmett. Gavin is far to unpredictable to allow him to hold Emmett no matter how much we would like him to. Emmett's health and safety HAVE to come first. Also Gavin has no interest in his little brother so it seems to be working out because we don't have to tell him he's not allowed.

Gavin only held Elliott one time when he was a baby and that was because Gavin was in a slightly better place and much smaller at the time and hadn't done the things he's done since then. We are NOT willing to take any chances with Elliott or Emmett. We live with Gavin every day and we know how "Dangerous" he can be to be around. Dangerous is not an exaggeration either. We don't believe he would ever deliberately hurt anyone but when he rages he has no control over himself.

As Emmett's and Elliott's PARENT'S we have made the decision(along with and supported by his specialists) not to allow Gavin much, if any, physical contact with Emmett and Elliott as it's the only way to ensure everyone's safety... We have to put the well being and safety of Emmett and Elliott first and foremost. We don't like the idea but we do it because we know it's the only thing to do.

I know that it seems cruel and unusual but we have witnessed many things that everyone else hasn't. We know how painfully difficult it is to accept that Gavin will never be "Normal" but that is the reality whether we like it or not. No amount of treating him like a typical child is going to help him. In fact it will only serve to make things worse. We are forced to face this reality and fall out every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Emmett and Elliott are forced to deal with this also.

And while this may seem cruel to everyone, we do know what we are doing. We are desperately fighting to keep this family together and we have managed to do this so far despite ALL the cards being stacked against us but it's getting more and more difficult. The past 2 or 3 weeks alone we have lived from one meltdown to the next. Emmett was home for less then a week and one of meltdowns almost knocked him out of his swing and onto the floor. Gavin was freaking out over Lego's again and started trying to smash and throw things in the living room. We were trying to get him upstairs and he decided to take out his frustration on a balloon that had floated directly above Emmett while he was swinging in his swing. Gavin lunged at the balloon trying to smash it completely oblivious to Emmett. If we hadn't stopped him Emmett would have gotten hurt. That is the reality we live in. That is why we do things the way we do things.

What everyone doesn't seem to understand is once Gavin hurts someone (accident or not) the fight is over. We will have no choice but to send him to residential treatment even though it would kill us to do so. If we didn't then we would be failing Emmett and Elliott because we wouldn't be keeping them safe.

While we are lost and completely overwhelmed, there is a rhyme and reason for all that we do. The sooner we all come to grips with the reality of the situation the easier life will become for us and Gavin. Gavin is NOT a typical child and NEVER will be. He HAS to be treated in a different way. We don't have to like it but its what's best for Gavin and everyone else involved. We have been doing this longer then anyone else and we are privy to information and experiences that most people aren't.

Gavin requires special rules and a strict schedule. If we deviate from that his world begins to crash around him. When that happens he lashes out at everyone and everything around him (including himself). It can take us weeks to bring him back down and under contol. Even routine doesn't seem to help much anymore.

Emmett and Elliott end up paying the price for all of this, as they will learn to fear their big brother. Lizze and I are already forever changed by this situation. Our health, both physical and emotional has been going down the drain. We will not let this happen to the kids. We are trying to keep things as stable as possible so we can live together as a family but with every passing day we are realizing that all of us living together may be impossible. Nevertheless we are trying because we love Gavin deeply.

Okay, those of you who know me (or read this blog) know that I LOVE reality television. I've probably seen most reality shows. Usually I like what I see. Or I at least see some mildly entertaining, redeming quality *some where* in the show.

Have you guys seen the commercials for "Greatest American Dog"? This show is just painful to watch! The only redeming quality in the show are the dogs. (And I'm not even a dog person!) Although there is a 75 yr old great-grandfather with the dog that saved his wife's life. I just love him and I hope he wins.

But seriously? Are we so sad and out of ideas that we are reduced to watching people obsessed with their dogs compete against each other? (And when I say obsessed with their dogs, I mean *obsessed* with their dogs. Like making a different oufit for every day of the week. Or having a "bark" mitz va? I couldn't make this stuff up. lol)

This does not bode well for our Fall Season Premieres if the actors do strike. Imagine...another season of crap during another strike. Yippee.

In honor of Emmett's 2 week Birthday I want to jot down some new things I've noticed.

~ When Emmett is half-asleep and trying to wake up, he scrunches his forehead. It looks like he's trying to pull his eyelids up with his forehead. (I love this.)
~ So far Emmett has only peed on me and the couch. (I'm trying to not take it personally. lol)
~ When he sleeps, he strikes varying versions of "The Thinker" pose.
~ When he's nursing and I have to cover him up with a blanket, if I peek under the blanket I'll find him nursing and scowling at me.
~ He can't get his fist in his mouth when he wants but when he was having his billirubin blood draws done, his accuracy with his free foot was astounding!
~ He has a double cow-lick.
~ When he sneezes, it's always at least two sneezes in a row. (Just like his Aunt Kate. Could this be some crazy genetic thing?)

General Thoughts on Babies & Parenthood

~ Why is it when babies are asleep the poop flows right out. But when they are awake it takes work and screaming to work it out?
~ Why do babies smile in their sleep?
~ Elliott Richard seemed so small to me. Until Emmett John was born. Now he seems HUGE!

Welcome to the world, Emmett John!

Daddy and his boys (well, two out of three anyway)

Emmett John snuggling with Mommy

Emmett John asleep in his bassinet

The cuteness (and temper) that is Emmett John in the hospital.:) Not that I'm biased or anything. lol

Emmett John is 2 weeks old today! Yay!

He slept and nursed really well last night. (Thank God.) So I managed to get some sleep. (Yay!)

Then Emmett had his 2 week appointment with Dr. H at 10:30am this morning. Dr. H wanted to follow-up on Emmett's weight, jaundice, and eye infection. (I don't remember if I posted about his eye infection or not but it's nothing major. When he was born his tear ducts were clogged. Despite my attempts to keep his eyes/tear ducts clear, he developed an infection. Dr. H called in a prescription for an ointment to help clear it up.)

The jaundice is getting much better (no more bloodwork for now). Dr. H said that it can take preemies with jaundice up to a month for their livers to really get the hang of things. If he's still a little yellow in 2 weeks Dr. H will get another billirubin level and a complete liver panel just to make sure that we aren't missing something. He doesn't believe that there is anything we're missing. He just likes to be thorough, which I like.

His eye infection is almost gone and we've gotten the okay to stop the ointment after today. (Yay!)

As for Emmett's weight, they like to see infant/newbornsat least back to their birth weight at 2 weeks old. After being plateaued at 6lb 13oz since our discharge almost 2 weeks ago, we were kind of concerned. There was apparently no need to worry because he's turning into quite the Chunky Monkey!

The Stats
Weight: 7lb 5.5oz
(That's an 8.5oz gain in 5 days!! And 1.5oz heavier than his birth weight.)
Length: 21.25 inches
(He's grown 1.75 inches in 2 weeks!)
Head circ: 34.5 cm

***He's really not that off color. It's just easier to take and send pictures from my phone right now. And well, my camera on my phone STINKS!***

Basic

What is your favorite color(s)? Cerulean blue
"Shabby chic" vs. "straight, clean lines" - shabby chic
Where's your favorite vacation destination? Texas
Pick ONE: shoes, clothes, purses. Shoes
Describe yourself in three (3) words. Creative, independent, loyal

Music:

Favorite song of all time? Amazing Grace
What is one song you secretly really like that no one would believe you if you told them? My collection of religious songs
What would you consider the "theme song" of your life? Either "Bring On the Rain" Jo Dee Messina or "untitled" Simple Plan
If you could see any concert - what would it be? Rascal Flatts
Name the radio station most commonly playing in your car. What's the genre? 94.9 country

Holiday

What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving
What food item is your holiday not complete without? Sweet potatoes w/the big marshmallows
What's your favorite holiday memory? Going to my Granny's every Thanksgiving.
Is there a holiday tradition that you cherish? If so, what is it? I don't know.
Lights: colored or white? I prefer white.

Deep Thoughts

If you could get advice from any woman (dead or alive), who would it be? my mom
Name three (3) "simple pleasures" in your life. Writing, journaling, eating
What is your dream job - be honest! author
If you could play any character on TV or in the movies, which one would you pick? I have no clue
What car would you most like to be the "spokes model" for? Saturn. Haha (Hey, I really want a Relay!)