Cheerio Confessions

Just to briefly expand on Lizze's last post about this past Wednesday.

We are going to post a big long post detailing everything but we are still recovering. Gavin's biological father signed away his rights on Wed afternoon about 1:30pm. He had never wanted Gavin and hadn't had any contact in almost 1.5 years and has NEVER paid child support. It took 8 years to get to this point. My family has been put through so much my Gavin's biological father and grandmother over the years. We lived in constant fear almost everyday because we never knew what would happen next. We ALWAYS put Gavin first and we maintained our integrity the entire time. This entire battle had been about punishing Lizze for leaving him. They did everything they could to destroy our lives..

On Wed, Oct 22, 2008 at 1:30pm everything finally caught up to them. Nick had no chance of winning that day or with the appeals court later on. He signed away his rights and in doing so all control they exerted over my family for the past 8 years. There will never be any visitation (not that they exercised it anyways)and we will never be dragged into court by them again. We still need to getting Lizze's "Contempt Conviction" and "jail time" dismissed as they were based on false testimony but that should happen pretty soon. We have finally been vindicated and the truth has come out.

Gavin has taken my last name and he is beyond excited to have the same name as his younger brothers.

He has already begun to show so improvement in his behaviors. He is much more relaxed and appears to be happy. This may not last for long because he may just be on the back end of one of his cycles but I'll take what I can get.

Lizze and I are beyond exhausted and feel completely lost right now. I know that sounds crazy but we don't know what a "normal life" is. We have spent the past 8 years doing this and now that it's over we don't know how to pick up the piece's and start to build out lives again. I have never known Lizze without this stuff going on in the background. We are seeking professional help in rebuilding our lives. We need to learn to let our guard down alittle and enjoy life.

For right now this is all I got. Putting thoughts together is stiff really difficult right now. Stay tuned ...... And THANK YO ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS DURNING THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD OF OUR LIVES. THEY WORKED!!!!!!

Okay, I am currently working on a long, in depth post about this week. Until I get it finished (which may take a few days - yes, it's that long) you'll have to be happy with this quickie post. So, without further ado, here's the run-down:

Monday
IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting for Gavin at 11:00am. Everything went off without a hitch. I'm really looking forward to this year. I'm hoping for an awesome year.

Tuesday
Dr. H for Emmett John at 11:30am. He has a nasty cold and sore belly. Told to watch for signs of a bowel obstruction. So far, so good.
Spent most of the day just trying to make it through to court.

Wednesday
Spent all morning killing time.
Courthouse at 1:00pm.
Attorneys met at 1:10pm.
Nick gave up his rights at 1:25pm.
Court at 1:30pm. Attorneys met with the judge. Nick signed the actual paperwork.
My attorney congratulated Rob at 1:45pm. Rob left to pick Gavin up from school.
Rob officially adopted Gavin at 2:30pm!!!!!

Thursday
Spent the day surviving after court.
Gavin had a spectacular day!

Friday
Grocery shopping. I managed to find some new milk-free, soy-free foods! (Yippee!) And I learned that Passover foods are milk-free and often soy-free, which opens up a whole lot more foods. :)

Thirteen Things I Want to Accomplish Before I Die 1.... I want to write and publish a book. Preferably a best selling novel but so long as I write it and an actual company publishes it, I'll be happy. 2.... I want to take a food based traveling vacation. Think in terms of 'Feasting on Asphalt' or 'Feasting on Waves'. Yes, I know these are Alton Brown trips. However, it is an established fact that I *heart* Alton Brown so does that really matter. :) 3.... I want to travel to Ireland. I may never know anything about my birth father and his Irish heritage but I want to go there anyway. Maybe I'll even mix #2 with #3. 4.... I want to see my sons grown and happy. I don't care what they are doing, so long as it makes them happy. (And it's legal - happy and legal. ;) lol) 5.... I want to grow old with Rob. And not just "old" but like front porch sitting, mashed peas eating, talking about the "old days" ad nauseum OLD. 6.... I want to go back to college and graduate with my BA in English. Then I want to go grad school and graduate with my Masters and/or Doctorate in English. Then in my spare time (in between watching the boys grow up, traveling to Ireland/around the world and getting old with Rob) I want to become an English Professor. 7.... I want to help fight the wars on Domestic Violence and Autism. I want to start a domestic violence shelter with everything all under one roof - legal assistance, housing, counseling, the whole she-bang. And then I want to help the government, the insurance companies and the public school systems better understand Autism. I want the ins co to understand that by not treating Autism they are causing more issues because most parents cannot afford the treatments. I want the public school systems to stop seeing dollar signs when they hear "Autism" mentioned and understand that you cannot place an Autistic child in a 'special needs' classroom and expect them to operate completely under your guidelines and rules simply because it will make your lives easier. Likewise, you then cannot place said child(ren) in restraint chairs or in-school suspension because they "misbehaved". (Yes, sadly this does happen. A lot.) But I digress... 8.... I want to ride in a limo. I've never been in one and I think it would be cool. 9.... I want to take a cross country trip in a train. Then I want to come home in a bus. Like a decked out tour bus. I just think it would be cool. 10.... I want to find a way to truly share with my boys just how special my Granny was. I want them to feel as if they know her, even though they will never get the chance. 11.... I want to continue to keep journals (handwritten) and pack them up so they are in order when the time comes for them to be passed on. 12.... I want to learn and grow beyond then need for cynicism as a form of protection. It's exhausting to try and maintain that level of constant vigilance. 13.... I want to leave this world knowing that my boys felt loved. I want to leave this world, leaving my boys with heads full of memories, hearts full of love and compassion, and souls at peace with my passing because I had a good life and I helped teach them how to have the same.

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WE HAVE WON!!!!!!!!! 8 years in the making and it's finally over. We will post more later....

Thanks for your prayers..........

What's going on in court you ask?

I'll never tell. ;)

(& don't you tell if you know!)

T-minus 4hrs to court. Positive thoughts & prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I'll update more this evening - along with an overdue Emmett John update.

mckmama rascal flatts ~ Hey, my favorite blog and my favorite country group. :)
google giveaway blogs
cherrio confessions ~ Yup, that's my blog. :)
pennmommy (4 times) ~ I still have absolutely no idea why this google search keeps leading you to my blog.
7 random things tag ~ Yup, I did that meme.
confessions of a cf husband blog (twice) ~ I love this blog too!
gosselins without pity pennmommy ~ Seriously, what about my blog is bring you to me with this search?!
Gosselins
health issues from 2 weeks ago ~ Are health issues from 2 weeks ago worse than current health issues? I'm confused. lol

Daddy and Elliott Richard are playing Hide and Seek. This is how it goes:

Elliott Richard: 1...2...1...2 Eddy and knots I come!
*begins looking for Daddy*
Elliott Richard: Daddy? Daddy, hair are who? Mommy, where Daddy go? 1...2...1...2 Eddy and knots Daddy!

Now Daddy counts and Elliott Richard hides.

Daddy: 1...2...3...4...5 Ready or not, here I come!
Elliott Richard: I come too!

I have my moments where everything seems clear and maybe life isn't so hopeless. My moments when I know that I am right where I need to be. That for better or worse, things really will be okay.

I just had one of those moments.

My sweet Emmett John was nursing. He looked up at me and smiled, his great big toothless grin. Then he lost his latch, which startled him. So he "attacked" me in an effort to make sure his "nummies" didn't get away.

In that one brief moment, despite the pain and my cold and everything else in the world, my soul was at peace and my heart was full.

I know I've said this a few times but I'm going to say it again, I feel half-dead. I look like Hell. (Maybe if I'm daring, I'll take a picture with my cell phone and post it. Then I came blame my Hell-ishness on the picture quality. lol) I am currently in so much pain that my toes hurt, my teeth hurt and even the hairs on my head hurt! Rob asked me if this could be my fibro coming back rather than me being sick. And while I admit that the fibro is probably a huge factor in all my aches and pains, I don't think the rest of it is the fibro. I'm researching fibro diets to see what they recommend diet wise but honestly, of the two Emmett John's dairy and soy free diet is more important in my book. You never know though, maybe the two diets are similar and it just takes time to balance it out.

Sorry I've been MIA. I am sick. My cold has morphed into an evil illness, which is kicking my @$$. It's worse than a cold. Not as bad as bronchitis. Hurts like Hell. And is winning, in a big way. Sleep deprivation from Emmett John is one thing but this is just taking things to a whole new (totally unfair) level. *sigh*

This week...

I did not.... Tag! my nearest and dearest Nikky simply because I knew it would bug her because she hates Tag! memes. lol That would be considered antagonistic.

I did not.... put off buying Gavin's Halloween costume because I'm secretly hoping he'll want to be something else. That would mean I was trying to stiffle his individuality, which is something I swore I would never do.

I did not.... pretend to not see Elliott Richard eating his cereal out of his bowl like a dog because it was keeping him quiet. That would generally be a bad idea except when mommy is sick, in which case it's all about survival.

I did not.... try to think of new ways to say "move", "scoot", "goodbye" because I got tired of saying those same three words to Elliott Richard everytime he tries to snuggle/nearly smoother Emmett John.

I did not.... secretly wish that either my cold/flu combo would get gone super quick or get super bad just as quick and earn me a hospital vaca. I mean I'm not that overwhelmed and in dire need of a break. Seriously, I'm not. *shuffle*

I also did not.... secretly wish that I would lose my voice so that I wouldn't have to hear it anymore while repeating myself all day. Because that would be sad and much more complicated than just not repeating myself.

I'm seriously NOT PREGNANT. I'd tell you if I were. And I definitely appreciate the support but there's nothing to tell or support because....

I'M NOT PREGNANT. :)

Okay so I've been lacking in my Thursday 13 responsibilities. I apologize for that. (I know you've all been on the edge of your seats anxiously awaiting my first Thursday 13! lol)

This week my Thursday Thirteen is inspired by a very dear friend of mine who recently found out that she's pregnant! (Yippee!) And I promise you that I am not my own "dear friend". ;) lol Seriously, I'm not!

Thirteen Signs I'm Pregnant 1.... I am super thirsty all the time. I wake up so often for a drink of water that I polish off 32oz in about 8 hours of sleep. 2.... My breasts hurt so much it's not funny. Really, it isn't funny. 3.... Things that should make me cry, don't. 4.... Things that shouldn't make me cry, do. A lot. 5.... I am absolutely starving but the mere thought of eating - don't ask. 6.... My mother calls me to tell me she's dreamed about me being pregnant - again. She has this dream every time I get pregnant. 7.... Rob wakes up one morning and tells me "you need to pee on a stick". He always seems to know before me somehow. 8.... I. Am. Exhausted. I sleep all night. Take 4 hour naps. And still look and feel like a zombie. 9.... My complexion clears up. Over night. 10.... My cat, Cleo, will not leave me alone. She lays on my belly and purrs if I lay down or if I recline. Heaven help me if I dare to sit. She'll force her way onto my belly. It's honestly a miracle my children don't expect me to purr. 11.... I start dreaming about naming babies, even before I know that I'm pregnant. 12.... I get headaches - not migraines which are normal for me. Just plain, old, run of the mill headaches. Pregnancy is the only time I get headaches. 13.... And finally, my ex-mother-in-law is off somewhere filing a contempt motion seeking to have me thrown in jail. Seriously, she's done this with my last two pregnancies. lol

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

gosselins without pity + pennmommy (Google) ~ Not a clue why this would lead you to my blog. I hope you found what you were looking for.
blogspot.com "follow this blog" (Google) ~ Not sure how this brought you here but welcome just the same. :)
cherrio confessions (Google) ~ That would be my blog. :)
preppy gifts giveaways (Google) ~ No preppy gifts here, sorry.
stomach bug (Google) ~ Well, we certainly have plenty of this to share if you'd like.
giveaway "1 comment" (Google) ~ Yup, been there done that.
alton brown (Google) ~ Ah...I *heart* him. Maybe someday he'll know just how much I *heart* him. *sigh* lol
giveaway dress (Google) ~ I can promise that you will not find any dresses in this blog. I haven't worn a dress since my wedding day in 2003 and since I'm the only pink in a sea of blue, no one else is likely to be wearing a dress either. ;) lol
giveaway (Google) ~ Yup, been there done that.
pennmommy blog ~ No pennmommy posts here, sorry.
morellichaos blog ~ Hey, I know her! lol
24 week ultrasound pictures ~ We've definitely got some of those around here! lol

I have been Tagged by Marie so now I have to write a list of 7 random things about me. So, let's see...7 random things...

1. I was raised by "reformed hippies", which explains my view from the "left" most of the time.


2. I have 2 sisters, 3 nieces, 3 nephews and now 1 great-niece. Besides the younger brother you already know about. (I'm a Great Aunt at 28...that's just crazy.)


3. I'm ambidextrous.


4. I hate talking on the phone but I will email and text message with you until the cows come home. I'm just horrible with ending phone conversations. I feel like I sound fake so I avoid phone calls at all costs, except for Rob and my Mom.


5. I've kept a handwritten journal since I was a sophomore in high school. This is the first journal I've had that wasn't handwritten, which kills me.


6. I love organized chaos but I can't live in extreme chaos or extreme organization. The extremes overwhelm me and make me panicky.


7. I am obsessive about keeping baby books, pregnancy journals, and health record journals for the boys. It's my way of painting the image of the perfect life that I want for them even if it doesn't exist at the moment.

And now I have to Tag! 7 people...so let's see...you've probably all been tagged a zillion times by now but you'll have that.

Susie at Be Strong and Courageous

Laura at Laura's Loco Life

Nikky at Pleasantly Chaotic

Miraclebaby at Bedrest and Beyond

MckMama at My Charming Kids

Shannon at Exploring Holland

Julie at Baby Olsen Chronicles

Let's see...what can I toot my own horn about today? Um...

I got all of the trash and recycling out to the curb with plenty of time left to get Gavin ready for school and Emmett John dressed for the drive. :)

Raging migraine.
Active children.
Laundry and dishes calling my name.
No energy to care about them.

Lots of milk and soy free foods.
Yay!
Slowly figuring this new diet out.
Might not be so bad.

Am I negative?
I prefer realist but whatever.

Can I change my name?
Nah, they'd just learn the new one.

I must be seriously stressed.
The twins won't leave me alone.
I love cats.

I got my Stellan bracelet in the mail today.
Yay!
Ordered one for Rob and Elliott Richard.

Emmett John is feeling better.
Thank God for small favors.

Are you confused yet?
Yeah, me too.
lol

Let's see...this week...

I did not...sit in a court room trying to figure out what I saw all those years ago. Because that would be a waste of energy since I can't go back and correct the issue.

I did not...tell the twins that there's a chinese restaurant with their names on it. Because I love my Siamese twin kittens and Chinese restaurants really do not serve cat - seriously, they don't.

I did not...ask the boys if they had ever heard of gypsies.

I also did not...ask my neighbor if she knew of any gypsies passing through town. Because that would be mean and generally not good parenting.

I did not...sob because Emmett John was sick and screaming in my ear, Elliott Richard hadn't made it to bed yet (and it was almost an hour past bed time), I had a migraine and was in the middle of a fibro flare - all while Rob was at his aunt and uncle's.

I also did not...sob partly because I was so overwhelmed and also so jealous that he was there and I was here.

I did not...start working on this week's "Not Me Monday" 7 days ahead of time and set it up to post next week so as not to overlap them. Because that would make it official that I am a sad woman with no life of my own to speak of.

I can't believe it was just yesterday morning when Emmett John was projectile vomiting all over the both of us. It feels like a lifetime ago. I'm pleased to announce that no one has been puked on in nearly 24 hours. Emmett John seems to be doing much better. I even managed to get the kitchen floor scrubbed, some dishes done and my lunch made while he slept in the swing - something he's been unwilling to do since he got sick like a week ago. Now if only I could find some way to keep my eyes open. lol

Do y'all have any idea how many products have milk, caisin, whey or soy in them?! It's insane!

Vegetable Oil - Soy (in fact it's mostly soy - where are the rest of vegetables?)
McDonald's French Fries - milk (not sure where or why there's milk in fries)
Wendy's Chicken Nuggets - milk
Ramen Noodles - soy
M&M's - milk
Tortillas - soy
Pam Cooking Spray - soy
Pizza Hut Pizza - milk in the sauce and the dough

That's just to name a few. It's making it difficult to find stuff to eat. Here's what I've found so far:

I Can Eat:

• Steak
• Chicken Breasts
• Salami
• Peanut Butter
• Fruit
• Veggies
• Eggs
• Rice milk & rice milk products

I haven't had a chance to get any rice milk products so I'm not sure what they taste like. I just hope the ice cream is good. And can I just say that a huge piece of chocolate cake or an ice cream sundae or a pizza with extra cheese have never sounded so good in my entire life!

diarrhea for a week + projectile vomiting + lethargy + not nursing well = doctor's appointment at 11:30am for Emmett John

The "Duck Groupies" with a few geese (a.k.a. Bullies)

Feeding the ducks

Grinnin' and chillin' at the park

Walking the track

I love this picture.

All tuckered out...

Beyond tuckered out...

Scoop and carry...the "new" way to get around after school! (lol)

Mr. Emmett John catching some zzz's with Pa-Pa G.

While we redecorate & reorganize. It was time for the blue to go.

(Internet Explorer is doing everything possible to make this as difficult as possible. Thank you Bill Gates & Microsoft.)

It's almost time to vote for our new political representatives, including our commander in chief. I don't know yet who I will vote for, however, I will vote. I strongly urge all of you to register (by October 4th in some states) and vote.

All you have to do is go to http://www.squidoo.com/squidoo-charity-giveaway and vote for your favorite charity. Only vote once! They will give $2 for each vote!

I voted for the March of Dimes for obvious reasons. ;) But you can vote for any one of the nearly 50 charities available. Just remember, you can only vote once! But you can feel free to pass on the site to as many people as you'd like. :)

(That was sarcasm by the way.)

So yesterday at Emmett John's appointment Dr. H asked me how the "bread and water diet" was coming. Which struck me as odd but got lost amongst everything else we talked about. So when I called and left our update this morning I asked the nurse if she could find out just how strict my milk and soy-free diet is supposed to be.

Prior to today I was only supposed to leave out the "main milk products" and all soy based. So I couldn't have:

milk
cream
ice cream
cheese
cottage cheese
cream cheese
sour cream (you get the idea)

Well, now I'm supposed to try my best to not have anything with any milk or soy products in it. At least until we get the whole positive blood/stool tests quandary figured out. Which brings us back to...

How to Read a Milk-Free DietAvoid foods with the following ingredients:
1. artificial butter flavor
2. butter, butter fat, butter oil
3. buttermilk
4. casein
5. caseinates (ammonium, calcium, magnesium, potassium, sodium)
6. cheese
7. cream
8. cottage cheese
9. curds
10. custard
11. Ghee
12. Half and Half
13. hydrolysates (casein, milk protein, protein, whey, whey protein)
14. lacalbumin, lacalbumin-phosphate
15. lactoglobulin
16. lactose
17. lactulose
18. milk (any derivative – powder, protein, solids, malted, condensed, evaporated, dry, whole, low-fat, non-fat, skim, goat’s milk)
19. nougat
20. pudding
21. rennet casein
22. sour cream, sour cream solids
23. whey (including all forms, such as sweet, de-lactosed, protein concentrated)
24. yogurt
25. “D” on a label next to “K” or “U” indicated presence of milk protein

The following may contain milk proteins:
1. flavorings: caramel, barvarian cream, coconut cream, brown sugar, butter, natural
2. chocolate
3. luncheon meats, hot dogs, sausages
4. high protein flour
5. margarine
6. Simplesse®

Life is a crazy thing.

I sat in the waiting area at the outpatient lab in the hospital with Emmett John this morning. Waiting to register him soi could drop something off (that's another post). While we sat there and waited, I noticed a few things that touched me in one way or another.

I watched strangers help a 92 year old woman they didn't know simply because she needed help.

Then I watched an obviously physically and emotionally exhausted father struggle with his 3 or 4 year old son. I chuckled when he told his son he was "more persistent than diarrhea". (lol) Then I found myself praying when his phone rang and he told the person on the other end that it was highly likely he has liver cancer.

I can't really explain it but witnessing these two events touched me. I know I'm often over-loaded between home, kids, PTA and other stuff but really, I can't imagine. I can't imagine wanting my independence so strongly and yet having to rely on people I've never met and likely never see again. Or going to the doctor with my son believing that I'm going for a standard med check to make sure I'm on the correct dose, only to learn that it's likely I have liver cancer.

They were both so positive, too. She was so appreciative of the help she received. He was so stressed it was etched in the lines of his face, yet he played with his son and joked around with me when Emmett John began screaming.

I only hope that I can handle things as well as they were, should I ever find myself in a similar situation.

**I started this blog on Wednesday October 1st. That's why it says "today" but applies to events from yesterday. lol***

First, I'd like to say that I really appreciate all of your prayers and positive thoughts for my little Emmett John. While life could definitely be worse, things have still been far more complicated for him than any baby deserves. So it helps to know that so many are thinking of him and sending prayers up on his behalf. Thank you.

Now for the update on Emmett John's tummy issues...

He had an appointment with Dr. H yesterday morning already scheduled so that we could follow-up on how the Prevacid is working and to get Emmett John the rest of his two month shots. (Thanks Julie for pointing out that they could be split up into more than one visit. That honestly never occurred to me.) Well, we went. And now we still need to go back for the rest of those shots.

Emmett John now weighs 14lb 14oz. He lost 3oz in a day, which Dr. H said isn't an issue because he had gained just over 8oz in the week before the loss. Dr. H gave Mr. Emmett John the once over and said it's a stomach bug. (duh, again!) He said that the slowed urine output and extreme fussiness would be more worrisome if he didn't have the diarrhea. Since he does, he's concerned but not too much. Now the issue is the fact that Emmett's diarrhea went from pretty much straight liquid to this 50/50 split of liquid and florescent green mucousy-goo. (Yeah, sorry for being gross but it is what it is. lol) Just to be on the safe side Dr. H checked Emmett's stool for blood, which came up positive again. So Dr. H decided to send the rest of the contents of his diaper to the hospital (via mommy taxi cab) so that a full workup can be done to try and get to the bottom of this positive test business.

Dr. H opted to pass on the rest of the shots because he didn't want to chance Emmett spiking a fever and us not being able to tell if it's his tummy bug or the shots. So we skipped the shots, again. Dr. H told me to keep an eye on Mr. Emmett John and call this morning with an update. Other than that, we are to call if he begins vomiting, spikes a fever, is crying inconsolably, or generally becomes very lethargic.

So I called this morning and left our report with Dr. H's nurse. She called back and said that Dr. H is very pleased that Emmett John seems to be turning the corner and hopefully things will continue to improve. I also asked about my diet since the blood test keeps coming up positive and he would like "ideally" for me to cut any and all milk and soy products etc out of my diet. At least until we get the blood deal figured out. (Yay. That's sarcasm by the way.)

Other than florescent green poo, things are going pretty well today. He's still kind of fussy. Only wanting to be held. And currently working himself up into a scream as I finish this. It's only taken me like 4 hours to get this written, if that gives you any idea of his current mood etc. (lol)

Mr. Emmett John has had varying degrees of diarrhea since Friday night. Last night his temp was hovering at around 100.1. Then when he woke up at 8am this morning his diaper was wet (nothing new) and his diarrhea had progressed to the point of being basically straight water no solids at all. I felt horrible that my little man is sick but I wasn't all that worried. Afterall, Emmett John is the youngest 3 - this isn't my first rodeo. I wasn't worried until we hit 1pm - 5 hours later - without a wet diaper.

At that point, I called Dr. H's office. They wanted to see him but Dr. H was off today so we saw his partner. Dr. K, AKA Dr. No-clue. She checked him out. Declared it a stomach bug. (duh) Told me it could last as is (clear fluid diarrhea without any solid parts) for weeks. Then told me to watch for a bowel obstruction and sent us home. (I still don't understand the leap from stomach flu to fine to bowel obstruction but whatever.)

Now we are home. We've had 4 wet diapers - total - today. He's super fussy, sleepy and clingy. Luckily, we already had an appointment with Dr. H tomorrow to follow up on the med switch and get the rest of his 2 month shots. So I can ask him what he thinks. No matter how you cut it though, I'm worried.

And now I'm fighting keep my eyes open, so I think it's time for bed. Assuming these stupid cats catch a hint and leave me to sleep in peace. Otherwise, I may be forced to kill them.

Okay, so let's see...what have I accomplished today? I took my sick Emmett John to see a partner of his pediatrician and learned she's a git. Does that count?

No?

Okay then, how about I got out of bed even though I got virtually no sleep last night and that was one of the hardest things I've done all day.

Yeah, we'll go with that one. ;) lol

I am about to beg for your help and support blogosphere. You have been warned. ;)

Today Rob and I went to court. Gavin was in school. Elliott Richard and Emmett John were with Grandma & PaPa G and Uncle Brian (Thanks again guys!). (This was the first time I left Emmett John with anyone besides Rob. We both survived but that's for another post.)

Rob and I went to court because in the end of July Rob filed to legally adopt Gavin. Today was supposed to be the arguments and evidence as to why we do not need Nick's consent to move forward with the adoption. I say "supposed to be" because it didn't happen. I will post details but not just yet.

This is where the begging comes in...

We need your prayers, if you pray. Positive thoughts, if you don't.

I can't find words at the moment to adequately express just how important this adoption is to our family. To our wellbeing, sanity, and safety. So if you could please pray for us. And if you don't mind and would be willing, could you please pass us on to anyone and everyone you know who would be willing to pray for us.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. Without your support, I'd be a little crazier than I already am. ;)

This one isn't mine though. Over at Glamorous Life of a Housewife, she is honoring both October being Breast CancerAwareness month and her dear friend, Lindsey, who is currently battling breast cancer. She's giving away a whole bunch of pink - go check it out. Enter the giveaway. Pray for Lindsey.

Go on. Off you go... ;)

Okay so MckMama is starting a new thing (it technically started last week), 'Not Me Mondays', where every Monday we make a list of things we definitely did not do during the week. Here's mine for last week and tomorrow.

I did not...keep MckMama's blog open in IE round the clock so I could keep reading/catching up at every available opportunity.

I did not...give Emmett John his Prevacid an hour late because he actually slept in and I didn't want to wake him up.

I did not...convince myself that Elliott didn't skip lunch because he ate some of mine.

I did not...cling to a sleeping Emmett John as if he were a lifepreserver and I a drowning woman just so I could close my own eyes for a little while.

I did not...spend far too long re-organizing my blog tags while I ignored my laundry begging to be folded.

I did not...rewash the same load of clothes 4 times in a row because I keep forgetting (read that: putting off until it's too late) to switch it to the dryer.

I did not...beg Emmett John to be nicer to Mommy because contrary to whatever he happens to believe, my "nummies" were perfect the way they were...before he tried to nurse pieces off.

I did not...listen to my MP3 player and try desperately to drown out my fussy Emmett John who was on my shoulder while I bounced, rocked, patted, held, kissed and tried in vain to soothe him.

I did not...put off changing Emmett John's diaper and getting him ready for bed because he's happy in his bouncy seat and I want to write my "Not Me Monday".

I did not...record "Tombstone" on the Spanish only channel because I was so distracted trying to set up the recording before Elliott Richard realized I had paused Noggin.

I also did not...laugh until I cried when I figured it out because the words didn't match their mouths and the only word I could understand was "tombstone".

Nope, I did not do these things.

*****Congratulations Nikky, Susan and ihchicky! You are the winners of the 'Cheerio Confessions Pay It Forward Giveaway'! I've sent out the emails and as soon as I have your addresses, your prizes will be on their way! Thanks for playing! And don't forget to hold your own 'Pay It Forward Giveaway'! :)*****

Welcome to my first Give Away! :) And without further ado, here's how it works...

Julie over at Belle Maison did a recent post about Paying It Forward (I absolutley love that movie!) We should all be able to do something kind without expecting anything in return. To remind us all of this, she started this little game. The first three people to post on her blog received a cute little gift from her. (From her blog: "The little something that is sent can be something you made, bought, were given or found. Just make sure it's something that will make the person smile!" ) One of those three people was Trina at La La Lovely. She in turn paid it forward to silverhartgirl at Taking The Time to, who payed it forward to Preppy Little Dress. She paid it forward to Mrs. Forever, who paid it forward to Katrina at My Life as a Married Girl. Then I was lucky enough to be one of her winners and now I want to Pay It Forward to you!

I am super excited to host my first giveaway! So now for the details...if you are interested in playing along and would like a chance at something fun all you have to do is leave me a comment. First, three comments will win. The only "catch" is that if you enter your name and win you need to be prepared to host your own little "Pay It Forward" giveaway. :)

Keep in mind now that if this giveaway goes well...I just might do this again down the line. ;)

****UPDATE**** Katrina's comment does not count! So even though it says I have '1 comment', I still need 3 winners! :)

What Emmett John is up to this month:

3 months 1 week
Your baby has been able to recognize you since he was just a few days old, but now he may actually be able to show it. About half of babies this age begin to exhibit an obvious recognition of their parents.Your baby will probably continue to smile at strangers, especially when they look him straight in the eye and coo or talk to him. But he's starting to sort out who's who in his life, and he definitely prefers you, your partner, and perhaps a few others.Your baby may quiet down and make eye contact with you, or he may search for you in a room and move his arms in excitement or smile when he finds you. He may even find your scent calming and comforting.

3 months 2 weeks
Babies simply love to be touched. In fact, they thrive on it — touch is a critical part of growth and development. All that skin-to-skin contact not only helps you and your baby bond, but it's comforting when she's upset and soothing when she's irritable.Nurture your baby's sense of touch with a variety of materials, such as fake fur, felt, and terry cloth. Your baby will probably try to eat everything, so choose carefully and don't leave her alone with anything that could come apart in her mouth. Look for books like Pat the Bunny that make reading a tactile experience.

3 months 3 weeks
Your baby is starting to draw conclusions about the world around him. He's looking at everything with curiosity, even his own reflection.Prop an unbreakable mirror next to him or set him in front of your mirror when you're getting ready in the morning. Your baby won't realize that it's actually his image in the mirror (which usually begins to happen well into the second year), but that doesn't matter. He'll love staring at his — or anyone else's — reflection, and he may show his delight with an all-out gummy grin.

3 months 4 weeks
When placed on her stomach, your baby will probably lift her head and shoulders high, using her arms for support. This mini push-up helps strengthen her muscles and gives her a better view of what's going on. She may even amaze you (and herself!) by rolling from her back to her front, or vice versa.You can encourage this rolling skill through play: Wiggle a toy next to the side she customarily rolls to in case she's interested enough to try again. Applaud her efforts and smile. She may need your reassurance, as this new skill can be a little frightening.

To "celebrate" his 3 month birthday yesterday we went to the pediatrician's office. (Oy.) We were supposed to see Dr. H but he had to call in sick so we saw one of his partners, Dr. M. Dr. M used to be my pediatrician when I was a tween and a teen. I liked her back then. Now, I'm not so sure. But I'll get to that...

We went because Emmett John has been really cranky lately and cycling between spitting up and vomiting. We've discussed with Dr. H switching from Zantac to Prevacid at Emmett's last few appointments but we decided to give it one more shot before switching. Well, none of his partners were comfortable making the switch without seeing Emmett so off we went.

He now weighs 14lb 10.5oz! So his weight gain is definitely slowing down now, which honestly is nice because he has gobs of clothes that he's out-growing before I can get them on him. We talked with Dr. M about the reflux and this is what she wanted to do, what we are doing and why it all ticks me off a bit.

What she wanted to do:

• thicken his pumped breast milk to help keep it down (anyone else confused by this statement?)
• (upon learning that Emmett doesn't take a bottle) give him bottles of pumped breast milk just so that we could thicken it
• (or at the very least) stop nursing him on demand and switch to scheduled nursing because she doesn't like him using nursing to sooth his achy tummy etc
• switch him cold turkey from Zantac to Prevacid

What we are doing:

• continuing to nurse exclusively on demand without a schedule (just call me a rebel)
• switch cold turkey from 1.2mL BID of Zantac to 7.5mg of Prevacid (against my wishes)

Why Dr. M ticks me off a bit:

• After Emmett John was born he had jaundice and was technically a preemie, which caused him to sleep more than usual. So for his first feeding I gave him 15mL of formula because when I tried to nurse him that first time we were both too exhausted. Then for the first day or so I had to pump first. Give it Emmett to wake him up. Then nurse him. When Dr. M learned this while checking up on Emmett one day in the hospital (she was the ped on call that week) she chewed me a new one! So I got reamed back them for using a bottle (which he fought taking and flat out refuses to take now). Now I'm getting reamed for not using a bottle. (come again...)
• As for me over-feeding him, I declare shenanigans! First, Le Leche League consultants say that you cannot over-feed a breastfed baby. Second, this is not my first rodeo! I know how to nurse a baby. I know how to tell his hungry cry from his bored and tired and change my diaper cries. I've discussed this very topic with Dr. H and we agreed that I would listen to the cry. If I can't tell the reason for the cry I would try and soothe Emmett John with cuddling and rocking and a bink. If none of those work, then I will nurse him. Besides my children have never been much for rules, if Emmett John isn't hungry. Guess what? He. Won't. Nurse. So Dr. M can go jump in a lake because I declare shenanigans and she is full of...*fill in the blank*. So yeah, I have no intention of changing how we breastfeed. It works for Emmett John. He's happy and sated and gaining weight. If and when any of those three things changes, then I'll change things. But if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
• I'm irritated that I had to pull Emmett John off the Zantac cold turkey. I'm irritated that when I asked if we could piggy-back I was met with the brush off. She told me that if we piggy-back there is a chance that he could get more of a certain drug (I forget which one) than is safe. Obviously, I don't want that. But I don't want my baby to suffer either, while we wait for the Prevacid to kick in. There has to be a middle ground. Somewhere between cold turkey and over-dose. But would Dr. M discuss it? Nope.
• Emmett John's Prevacid is a dissolvable tablet. We have to cut it in half. Dissolve it in water. Give it to Emmett. On the bright side, it's strawberry flavored (the Zantac was mint, which Emmett John hated - apparently all babies hate it). On the not-so-bright-side, it's next to impossible to get the last little bit of dissolved tablet to leave the stupid tube. Now you may wonder if they make Prevacid in an already mixed by the Pharmacist (you know, those people who went to school to learn how to mix meds) liquid form. The answer to that would a resounding YES! Why Dr. M wouldn't give us the liquid form over the dissolvable pain in the @$$ tablets, you ask? Lord only knows.

Good thing we have an appointment with Dr. H on Wednesday - I'll ask him my questions. Maybe then I'll get some answers that actually pertain to, oh I don't know, my child. *sigh*

don't like confessions of a cf husband (Google) ~ Wow. I have no idea how this led you to my blog, unless it's just the mention of "Confessions of a CF Husband". (Hi, Nate! lol)
alton brown (Google) ~ I *heart* him! *smitten sigh*
bedrest fathers (Google) ~ Wow. Sorry you're on this wild ride. Good luck!
gosselins do not need our pity blog (Google) ~ Well, that's your opinion.
''pops'' '' father emmett john'' (Google) ~ Look! Someone (apparently a clergyman) has Emmett John's exact name. :)
Confessions of an Ex Wife Beater (Google) ~ No idea why this led you to my blog because we don't have any wife beaters here - current, ex or otherwise.

(Yes, if you read her blog I stole this from MckMama. Thanks MckMama! lol)

Okay, it's no huge surprise that I have been having a pretty serious (at least in my book) crisis of faith lately. I'm hurt. Pissed off. Angry. Try as I might to just give up and give in, I can't. (And believe me when I say I've TRIED.) There is a part of me that is sincerely done, that doesn't want anything more to do with any of it. Seriously, if I could just...stop. I would. I'm completely jaded at this point. However, there are a few things that even my semi-cynical mind cannot ignore.

First, out of all the blogs in all the world about how many various topics I am continually drawn to blog full of faith. Complete. Total. Give yourself over. Hold on tight because it's a bumpy ride. Faith. I don't seek them out. Granted, a few I've found through blogs I already read and those blogs also tend to lean more towards the faith-based. So it would stand to reason that following blog links from there may link me to more faith-based blogs. But what of the blogs I find through Google searches? What of the blogs I find just randomly? I'm not searching for things of a faith-base. They just seem to find me.

Second, my resolve as a rebelious teenager is severely lacking. (I'm not the same strong-willed strictly for the sake of being strong-willed gal I used to be once upon a time apparently.) To this end, try as I might to be angry with God. It's just not working for me. Try as I might to stop talking to him. I cannot. Try as I might to stop praying. I keep doing it. Seriously. I have wanted nothing more for the past few weeks to have nothing more to do with God. Period. Ever. I can't seem to do it.

Third, I read these blogs written by those of you with such a strong faith and connection with God. And I covet that. There is a part of me that is...not jealous exactly. I don't want to take it from you, for myself. I want to figure out how you got there. How your faith is so strong. How you just turn it all over to God and trust that it will work out. How did you get there. How do you do it. I read these blogs that I am drawn to and I feel a stirring. An inner screaming of "I WANT THAT!"

Problem is I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to get "that". Rob is Catholic - born and raised. I am Protestant/Non-Denominational. The plan when we got married was for me to convert to Catholism because my religion/faith has never been something of huge importance to me. And it seemed important to him for me to convert. (I'm not saying that it is or was important to him or his family. I'm merely stating that at the time of our marriage 5 years ago I felt that it was of great importance to them. Not judging. Just stating my impression.) Now, I'm not so sure I want to convert. This is going to sound crazy coming from a recently self-proclaimed agnostic (yeah, that's going well don't you think?)...but I don't feel that Catholism is where I personally need to be. I just don't happen to know exactly where I do need to be. If that makes any sense at all...

So I discovered MckMama's blog the other day. I became addicted. So I have been reading from the beginning, trying desperately to catch up. Well, I'm thrilled to announce that I am now caught up to April 2008! (Yippee! lol) Anyway, she did a few posts in April where she answered questions from those reading her blog.

Well, it's been commented before (by a jerk true but commented nonetheless) that I don't share everything. So if there has ever been something you wanted to know. My favorite color. What my email address means. What I had for lunch. Whatever. Now's the time to ask.

Sound good? Works for me.

Off you go now...ask me some questions...go on...you know you want to...

there's be days like this.

Elliott Richard: giggling and driving cars down the back of the couch onto Emmett John's head
Me: Elliott Richard, we do not drive (read that 'drop') cars on Emmett John's head!
Elliott Richard: Saw-we. (Sorry) (Then does it again.)
Me: Timeout!
Elliott Richard: No! No! No! (as he sulks off to timeout)
Once he's in timeout this is what I hear:
Elliott Richard: No timeout! Mean Mommy! Where Daddy?
Me: Elliott, timeout is quiet time.
Elliott Richard: Wee me moan! Wee me moan! Wee me moan! (Leave me alone)
At this point I call Rob (who took Gavin to see Patty) so he can hear the cute-ness that is "wee me moan".
Me: Honey, listen to how cute Elliott Richard is.
Elliott Richard: I NOT cute! WEE! ME! MOAN!

I guess I should have listened to my mama, huh? *sigh*

Okay, time to toot my own horn...Something I have accomplished this week is...I actually managed to nap and rest today since I'm sick. (It's the little things in life, huh?)

If you are in need of a good laugh or you would just simply like to laugh but don't need it you simply MUST check out the post by MckMama. I laugh so hard I cry - every single time I read it. (Maybe that just shows how sick/sleep deprived I am but whatever.)

tissue me = picture of me

bolly = holy

beer-it = spirit

yay me = lay me

pippy = sippy (cup)

Ennit John = Emmett John

Elliott Ichard = Elliott Richard

Gah-in = Gavin

yes you = bless you

I won't go into details (you can email me if you know me and would really like them) but I've been having some health issues as of late. I had a doctors appointment today to try and find the cause...here's what we found, what we didn't find and what the plan is.

What we found:

• I'm slighly anemic.
• A whole bunch of cysts.

What we DIDN'T find:

• The cause of my health issues.

The plan:

• I have 2 weeks for my body to straighten itself out. If it does not, I will
  have minor outpatient surgery in 14-ish days.

Yeah, so today has sucked.

85%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Created by OnePlusYou - Online Dating Service

I have absolutely no life outside of blogging, nursing and changing diapers. (lol)

So I know that Nate (Confessions of a CF Husband) often Googles his blog title and then posts a "thank you" to those who mention it. Well, I was bored with a raging migraine (from the stress of today) so I decided to Google my blog title (CheerioConfessions) and see what pops up. Some I expected to see. Others were a complete surprise to me. Here's what I found:

*Surprises!*
http://giadadelaurentiis.us/2007/08/23/celebrity-chefs-august-22-2007/ (all because I *heart* Alton Brown!)
http://itp.nyu.edu/~cjc367/hippiekidstories/links.html (last one under "Some More Hippy Kids")
http://hundredacrewood.blogspot.com/2008/02/scary-thought.html (Katrina showing some love.)
http://deannasegars.blogspot.com/2008/06/new-to-this.html (note to self: must check out blog)
http://babyblogdirectory.blogspot.com/2008_06_01_archive.html (interesting....)
http://anonblog4me.blogspot.com/2008/07/hello-again-sad-again.html (dearest Slade likes her...hhhhmmmm, must check it out)

The title I really want to put there is "F**K FAITH".

Yup, you read that right. I didn't because I have too much respect for those of you who have faith.

I know I've said this before but I'm done. I don't have it in me anymore to operate on faith. I woke up this morning convinced that God was going to provide for us Like He Promised. WRONG.

I just knew in my heart and soul that the van was meant for us and he would work his miracles and make it happen. That he couldn't possibly let us fall to the wayside, forgotten again. WRONG.

We did not get the van. We did everything within our power to make it happen. All for naught.

I'm not writing this to offend those of you who are so sure of your faith, so strong in it that it radiates from you. In fact, I envy you. I envy those of you who are able to be so unwavering in your faith. Part of me wishes I were like you. Alas, I am not. I can only be me and I am done.

I've been screwed, forgotten, disillusioned, abused, walked on, walked over, and generally ignored far too many times. My faith, what little I had and struggled to hold on to and maintain, is gone. *poof* There is no more to be had. I will not look for it. I will no longer struggle to maintain it. I will no longer exhaust myself clinging to it. It's gone. I will mourn it and move on.

Now this probably seems dramatic to you. Especially if you do not know me or our story. I assure you that I am not dramatic at the moment. In fact, I'm quite calm and collected. The van was just the final straw. I would say that it was the straw that broke the camel's back except we weren't lucky enough to have ever received a camel. So it's the straw that broke my faith. After everything I've been through...everything we've been through I'm done.

I will not go so far as to call myself an atheist, however, I would label myself as agnostic at this point. I do not know if he exists. He might. He might not. All I know is that it's been ages since he's shown himself to me. Since he's helped me. Since he's carried me when I couldn't walk anymore. So if he's there, I can't see him (or hear him or any other verb you care to insert there).

I had some crazy dreams last night.

First, I dreamt that my first love from high school, Ben, and I were arrested along with a few other people. One of them being Ben's wife. (Don't know if he's married in real life but he was in my dream.) So we were arrested (don't know what we did) and spent forever trying to get our story straight. In the end, Ben took the fall so that his wife and I could go free. Before they carted him off to jail I gave him a hug and apologized for how things between us ended - 12 years ago. lol (Things didn't end well. I was madly in love. He wasn't. It was rather ugly, which was my doing. Lately I've been wondering if I should apologize someday...)

Then I dreamt that I was at the local flea/farmers market. As I was driving around picking things up (Including a ton of tofutti ice cream - I'll explain this in another post.) I kept talking to God about the van. I kept praying/begging for him to helps us find a way. Then right before I woke up, I told him (God) that I trust him and I know that he'll help us find a way to get this van. I'm terrifies that we won't be able to make it work and we'll lose this opportunity. But I guess I should listen to my dream and just go with faith, trusting that God will fins a way to provide the van for us.

Rest assured blog readers, my blog appears to be pretty kid (and Mom-in-Law) friendly. :)


Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating

If you've ever watched South Park you may have seen the episode with the boys at the county fair when Kyle declares "Shenanigans!" because a game is rigged. That's what I'm doing. I'm hereby declaring SHENANIGANS!!!!

I've heard it said before that we do not have to like the cards we are dealt but we have to play them to the best of our ability. To this I declare SHENANIGANS!

As a direct result of my SHENANIGANS declaration this is what I would like to see happen: I want a redo, re-deal, mulligan on life. I do not want a new husband or children or family for that matter. I want a fair, flippin' shake. I want the scales balanced, rather than so obviously tipped against us. Because seriously we can't seem to catch a break to save our lives. Let's look at the evidence (with the actual odds where available):

Exhibit 1: I was in an abusive relationship/marriage (I use that term loosely here.) before Rob. I left on Valentine's Day 2001. Before I left I was promised that IF I left I would be lied about and generally drug through the legal system as it was attempted to take Gavin from me. I left believing that our legal system would see through this ruse. I was wrong. We've spent this last 7 years fighting against this very situation.

Exhibit 2: Our house has been struck by lightning no less than 3 times the past 5 years. Seriously, what are the odds on that? (General odds of being struck once: 1 in 700,000)

Exhibit 3: Unexplained preterm labor resulting in a preterm baby times 2. (General odds: 1 in 10)

I know there are more, however, I'm just too upset at the moment to think of them. I'm just so frustrated with life at the moment. For those of you who remember, we've been van shopping for a while now. A month or so ago, we found a van that meet all of our needs. The problem is that fighting Exhibit 1 has obviously taken it's toll on us and getting financing is an issue. So unfortunately that van was not meant to be.

So Rob and I kept an eye out after that but didn't actively look because financially we are still in the same spot. Well, yesterday the perfect van was placed literally right in front of me. I was taking Gavin to OT and speech and there it was driving right in front of me with an add written on the window. I took down the number (something I never ever do) and passed it on to Rob. He called and the van is perfect! It's exactly what we need. It's right in our price range. It's a private sale as opposed to a dealership. I tried not to get excited. I really tried. I failed. I got excited. I dared to hope. I felt so certain that it was meant to be. I was wrong. We were yet again unable to obtain the financing and so yet again I've got the rug yanked out from under me.

And so I declare SHENANIGANS! I want to catch a break. I want to stop feeling as if the deck is stacked against us. Please?

I've decided to add a few new things to the blog. They were inspired by Lindsey's Rantings and My Charming Kids.

Thursday 13 ~ I will post a list of 13 things every Thursday. (I stole this from Lindsey's Monday 13 and MckMama.)

Twitter-isms ~ Whenever they arrise I will post Elliott Richard's newest words and phrases with translations (where necessary). (This is my twist on a cross between MckMama posting about Big Mac and Lindsey's Thursday Pablo-isms.)

Ok so I have my list of blogs that I read. Some I love. Some I like. Some I'm fascinated by in a train-wreck sort of way. Each of them holds a special place in my heart. Now some of them are super popular, like Confessions of a CF Husband. Some of them are rather obscure. What I am intrigued by is the fact that I find them all in a different manner (some I find through other blogs, some through Google Alerts I have set up, some just random searches or by following a comment) yet they all seem to be in this little circle of blogs. If you look at their favorite blogs, most of them list each other. Not that this is life-altering news or anything. Just something I find interesting...lol.

I haven't done a "Blogs of Note" post in a long while so I guess I'm long over-due. I found a bunch of blogs the other day and bookmarked them so I could view them later. Today I've been working my way through some of them. Here are some of my new favorite blogs...

mckmama ~ MckMama's blog is among those newly discovered blogs. I've been reading the new posts and only just begun to read her blog from the beginning, however, I love it. So far, this is my favorite post. She's currently pregnant with "MckMuffin" and things are getting pretty complicated. I love the nicknames for her kids. I love her home with art hung everywhere. I love her stories and how she posts "Big Mac's" vocab translator every once in a while (something I plan to steal for Elliott Richard).

Lindsey ~ I first discovered Lindsey's blog through Viigo (which I highly recommend but that's another post). Now I read her on my phone, my laptop, Rob's desktop. I just love her honesty and sense of humor.She just kills me. lol (I may actually steal some of her weekly blog ideas too. After tweaking them of course.)

These ladies are just sheer genius and I *heart* their blogs. Now, I highly recommend that you go check them out. Go on. Off you go...

I didn't write this. I found it on a website (blog?).

The Making of a Wife Beater

First, I will wine and dine her
Then I fill her head with fairytale dreams
All the while, telling how gorgeous she is

Just a few more moves
and I will be all set

Now it time,
to build her confidence skyscraper high, with lies
Mmm, this is a major key;
To make them fall below their foundation

Not quite finished
How can one forget these fun tools
Get her pregnant
and make her totally reliant on my money

Wooohoo, the fun begin

First a few curse words,
kneaded with some demeaning gestures
Next tighten her wallet a little more,
then start blaming her for everything
and slow down the intimacy

She’s almost ready for her first slap

I need to yell louder
and tear apart her core viciously

Its time to push her over
She’s all primed

Smack, crackle and punch
Wow, what a cool way to start my day
Now, its time to say I am so sorry over and over
and hold her tight, while I beg for forgiveness

Hey, I can’t have friends and family know
She needs to lie for me
After all, it all her fault
Once she does this, I win

Here’s my favorite part:
It’s so easy to beat on someone that loves you unconditionally
Because they have nothing left and no place to stay
And the fatherly bonus is,
my little son tommy will know how to keep his woman in place
Now you know why, I always wear a shit-eaten grin

Edward K. Deputy

I am not posting this to be enflamatory, no matter what you may think. I am posting it because it made me think. It made me sad because it's true. This is how my years as an adult began. I've often been asked "why". Why I married him. Why I stuck around as long as I did (the longest 8-9 months of my life). Just why. All I can say is, this is why. I didn't see it coming and then once it was there, once reality set in I thought I could change me. I thought I could change him. I thought I could fix it all and give Gavin what he deserves - two parents who love him. So for those of you lucky enough to never have been in this type of a relationship, this is how it begins. This is the anatomy of an abusive relationship and a wife beater...

Mr. Emmett John had a follow-up appointment with Dr. H this morning. We went to follow-up on the whole apnea roller coaster, as well as to get his 2 months shots. We opted to put off at his 2 month appointment until we figured out the whole apnea thing because we didn't want to put anymore stress on his body than necessary at that point. So we went. Christine, our lovely nurse, weighed Emmett John. He is now a whopping 14lb! While that's huge to me he's slowed down to gaining 1/2 a pound a week rather than nearly a pound and a 1/2. However, I checked Gavin and Elliott Richard's babybooks and Emmett John is at least 3/4 of an inch longer and at least a pound heavier than both Gavin and Elliott Richard were at this point. Sheer craziness.

Then we saw Dr. H. I told him about the massive increase in Emmett's foam and how Emmett basically screamed at me all weekend unless I was holding him and walking the floor. We discussed the apnea issues. And in the end we decided that we would see what happens at his appointment with the Apnea Clinic on the 23rd. Increased his Zantac to 1.2mL BID. And then we decided that Emmett would only get 3 of the 5 shots he was supposed to get. He got the Hib, pneumococcal and oral rotovirus vaccines. Then when I take him back in 2 weeks for a Zantac follow-up he will get the final 2 vaccines - polio and something else. Dr. H said that he hated to give Emmett the shots at all because he'll be so fussy for the next 24 hours or so, which I appreciate. In the end I told him that unfortunately we are used to the fussiness.

Which brings up to where we are right this moment, me typing with one hand while I bounce Emmett John in my left arm (while being careful of his thighs). Elliott Richard and Gavin are in bed. Rob is in the "man cave". It's been a long day...did I mention that school was canceled because Ike blew threw Ohio (yes, a hurricane in Ohio) and cut off most of the city's power? Yeah, that made for a fun day. I pray to God that the night is shorter than the day has been.

I'm sorry it has been a little while since I posted but things are getting really bad. I don't know how to explain in words how I am feeling right now. We have been dealt a few blows these past few days.

Friday we received a letter (I can't go into much detail at the moment) from our attorney demanding a VERY large sum of money (for us anyway) in order for him to continue fighting to keep Lizze out of jail. This was very unexpected and the timing couldn't have been worse. It felt alot like extortion. Either I came up with the money or Lizze WILL GO TO JAIL. We have spent the past few days scrambling to come up with the money.

Luckily I was able to come up with the money. Our luck also extends outside the hospital and courtroom. Our house has been struck by lighting 3 times in 5 years. I have been waiting for almost 3 years now to replace our crippled tv. We finally were able to replace it around my birthday last month. We got an amazing deal (especially with insurance paying for it) and finally were able to have something nice to watch. I know it probably seems materialistic but I assure you it's not. We have given up everything nice we had over the years in order to get Gavin what he needs. I have sold all the gifts from Microsoft (ranging from laptops to xbox 360s to very expensive software) I received for my work with them. Finally with the tv we had something to cling to. Something to help us feel more normal if that makes sense.
Anyways, we had to return it to keep Lizze out of jail and keep fighting a fight we want nothing to do with. Obviously returning the tv was not a tough decision, family first. Lizze's safety and security is way more important then a tv. But it's demoralizing none-the-less. I know Lizze feels really guilty for all of this but I keep telling her not to because it's not her fault. She has done nothing wrong and everyone knows it. We will have our day and this will forever be put to rest.

Gavin is so exhausting. We are so physically and emotionally bankrupt at this point. Gavin is back to his meltdowns over and over again. Last Friday was his worst day of school in 3 years. I honestly don't know how much more of this we can take. I don't want to go to court again. I just want to be left alone. Gavin just never stops anymore. There is constantly drama, meltdowns and then more drama. He is regressing to the point where I cannot even understand him anymore. He repeats himself over and over and over again. He starts speech therapy again this week so maybe that will help but I don't know anymore.

I was driving my invoices up to the office to get them paid and I heard a song on the radio. I can't remember the name but it struck a chord. They were asking "How many times can break without shattering?". I know we have been broken so many times I and terrified that we will not survive another one. I am so scared that there will be no future for my family. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Just for fun and because I find it mildly interesting here are the evolutions of my son's nicknames.

Gavin
Pregnancy: Munchkin Man
Infancy: Munchkin Man, Little Man, Punkin
Toddler/Preschool: Squishie (this came about sometime after seeing "Finding Nemo")
Early Childhood: Squishie Fishie (this came about after my mom found gummy fish candies called "Squishie Fishies")

Elliott Richard
Pregnancy: Marshmallow (what can I say, it seems stupid now but he looked like one of those tiny marshmallows at my 6w ultrasound)
Infancy: Twitterbug (to this day I have no idea where this came from, I was nursing him in the wee hours of the morning and I said it. It fit so it stuck.)
Toddler: Twitterbug and Boo-Boo (again, no idea where Boo-Boo came from)

Emmett John
Pregnancy: Ladybug (before we knew the sex) Tiny (after we found out)
Infancy: Tiny or Tiny Doodlebug (and for the record, doodlebugs are really ugly bugs but I just can't find another name that fits)

Okay, so both Rob and I have addressed the "shared parenting trainwreck" from our perspective stand points. And now it is time to move right along...onto more relevant happenings in our lives.




So we went expecting that Dr. H would say we hadn't seen anything on the Apnea Monitor so we could take it off. Thereby chalking the whole nightmare up to the stomach bug and vomitting as Dr. D (not the same Dr. D as my OB) had done. Wrong. When we asked how long Emmett John would need the Apnea Monitor his response was, "As long as neccessary to figure out what's going on." Okay, makes sense.


Please don't misunderstand me here. Obviously, if the monitor is what's best for Emmett at this point then that's what we'll do. Rob and I were just under the impression that they had sent him home with the monitor more to sooth my worried mind. So when Dr. H decided to go for the long haul it just took us by surprise.


Emmett has his first (?) appointment with the Apnea Clinic on September 23rd. At that point, Dr. D will have the info downloaded off his monitor and review it. She'll then discuss the findings with Dr. H and they'll decide what our next move will be.


Up until the past few days the only alarm we've received was the "loose lead" alarm, which happens whenever one of the leads pops off. Emmett John has become very talented at getting the wires between his toes and *POP* off goes a lead. lol

There are four different lights that we need to be concerned with (not
listed in order of importance):

1. The "Loose Lead" light - comes on whenever one or both of the leads has come
   loose or popped off altogether.


2. The "Bradycardia" light - comes on whenever Emmett John's heart rate drops
   below 80 bpm.


3. The "Tachycardia" light - comes on whenever his heart rate jumps above 220 bpm.


4. The "Apnea" light - comes on whenever he stops breathing for 20 seconds or
   more. (The monitor begins recording the episode when he stops breathing for 16 seconds but the light and alarm don't go off until 20 seconds has
   passed.)

Early Friday morning we were awoken by an alarm and I fully expected to see the "loose lead" light lit. Wrong. Imagine my surprise to find the "bradycardia" light lit. A few hours later, the same thing, his heart rate was dropping below 80 bpm.


Then yesterday the same thing again. Early in the morning we were awoken by the "bradycardia" light. Then while he and I was waiting in the drivethru at Walgreens for my prescriptions another alarm. Again I turned and looked expecting to see the "loose lead" light lit. This time it was the "apnea" light! Emmett John wasn't breathing! I was completely freaked out! His color was okay, from what I could see, but he wasn't picking it back up on his own. I started screaming his name and gently shaking him. (The people in the car next to me looked at me as if I was a lunatic.) And he started breathing again and the alarm shut off. I was shaking like a leaf. Emmett John simply went back to sleep as if nothing had happened. (Must be nice.)


Then last night Rob and I were talking while Emmett John slept and it happened all over again. The alarm went off. The "apnea" light went on. And again we had to gently shake him to get him to start breathing again. Luckily, we made it through the night last night without any alarms at all - "loose" or otherwise.


I had sincerely hoped to never see any of the lights lit except the "loose lead" light because there really isn't any way to avoid that one. I don't know what will happen on the 23rd now. We had hoped to go and have the info downloaded and learn that nothing had happened so everything was fine. I don't know if that will happen now.

I started this post at about 9:00 am before I finished it Rob, Elliott Richard, Emmett John and I ran out to the store. While we were out and about, Emmett John had 3 more apneic episodes in less than 20 minutes!!! Rob called Dr. H's office and spoke with a nurse. Dr. H then called us back. We are to report to the Apnea Clinic without an appointment at abour 1:00pm. They will download the info and determine if these are actual apneic episodes or something else. Then the apnea doctors will talk to Dr. H and figure out our next move.