Cheerio Confessions

For those of you who haven't heard, last summer a local woman went missing. Her name was Jessie Davis and she was 9 months pregnant. (We all know what my feeling are on crimes against pregnant women.) She was missing for nearly two weeks before the father of her children (that had a 2 year old son together) led the local police to her body just north of here. His trial began 2 weeks ago and the verdicts came in from the jury today. During his trial, Cutts' defense was that he was arguing with Jessie (a 5 foot tall 9 month pregnant woman - OBVIOUSLY a huge threat - that's sarcasm by the way) and accidentally elbowed her in the throat, to death, at which point he called a friend and they disposed of her and Baby Chloe's bodies "in a panic". The ADA argued that Cutts' strangled her, called his friend and disposed of the body to try and cover the whole thing up. Keeping in mind that he was an area cop. Kind of scary that a cop is capable of this. Here is the break down of his verdicts:

Count 1 VERDICT: Not Guilty Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused Jessie M. Davis' death during the commission of an aggravated burglary.
VERDICT: NO RULING Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder during
a course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more persons,
namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: NO RULING Specification 2 Cutts
committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the actual
killer. VERDICT: GUILTY As to the lesser included charge of murder, defined as
purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of another's
pregnancy.

Count 2 VERDICT: GUILTY Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused the unlawful termination of Davis' pregnancy during an aggravated
burglary. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder
during a course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more
persons, namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 2
Cutts committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the
actual killer. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 3 Cutts purposely caused the death
of Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age, and he was the
actual killer. VERDICT: NO RULING As to the lesser included charge of murder,
defined as purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of
another's pregnancy.

Count 3 VERDICT: GUILTY Aggravated Murder Cutts purposely
caused the death of Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age.
VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 1 Cutts committed the aggravated murder during a
course of conduct that involved the purposeful killing of two or more persons,
namely Davis and her unborn child. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 2 Cutts
committed the aggravated murder during an aggravated burglary and was the actual
killer. VERDICT: GUILTY Specification 3 Cutts purposely caused the death of
Davis' viable, unborn child, who was under 13 years of age, and he was the
actual killer. VERDICT: NO RULING As to the lesser included charge of murder,
defined as purposely causing the death of another or the unlawful termination of
another's pregnancy.

Apparently they were able to charge him with Aggravated Murder of Chloe (Count 3) because even after he killed Jessie there was a small window where he could have called 911 and saved Chloe's life because she was a 9 month old viable "fetus". He chose not to call 911 and save Chloe so it qualified as "Aggravated Murder".

They begin the sentencing part of the trial on February 25th. Part of me is hoping that the jury gives him the death penalty. However, I've heard that the jury was asking questions to the effect of having the choice to not give the death penalty but to sentence him to a life sentence without the possibility of parole and without the option of solitary protective confinement. Upon hearing this, I've decided that I like that future compared to death. Death is too quick. I say give him a lifetime to pay his dues to the general population of a maximum security prison. Let the convicts pass him around for the rest of his days. General populations in prison don't tend to take to child abusers, molesters, and murderers. What a shame for Bobby.

For more information:
Breakdown of today in court
Blog of whole proceedings
Pictures from trial

I've been doing more research on the United Autism Foundation. It appears that not only does Adam do the PR but he owns it. It makes me sad that he said the things he said because from what I can find, he's done good works. I can't understand how anyone can claim to want to help children with Autism and various other disabilities but then SAY that?!

As I've mentioned before, I *heart* Big Brother. In fact, I'm probably mildly obsessed. That aside, I'm furious right now! On MySpace, I am a member of a group called "Autism Connections". I woke up this morning and check my MySpace info to find a bulletin from Autism Connections about my beloved Big Brother. (see below)

Feb 15, 2008 1:12 AM
Subject:
Man on CBS show Big Brother calls kids
with
autism "retards"
Body:
***** I got this from Joy. Thanks for
making us
aware Joy.original message from Joy:I hated seeing this and it
made me angry!! A
PR Guy on the big brother show works for an autism
foundation and called
children with autism, RETARDS!!I don't know about you,
but I will be making and
filing a complaint against CBS and I'm goning to
try to find out where and what
the foundation is, that the guy is working
at. I'm sorry to post this on
valentines day , but I wanted to know and see
this! Please repost and pass
along!!Our children are at risk by this guys
presence at the foundation he
works!God Bless,JOY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNwuXRY8X7E

So I follow the link to YouTube and this is what I find:
(It won't allow me to embed the video for some reason so please go and watch at the link for yourself.)

CBS AIRED THIS!!!!

I am sickened by this...this...I don't know what to call him. No real man would call Autistic children retards and then defend the statement by saying "What? I work with them all day, I'll call them what I want." or "Well, they are. They're all retards, it's not my fault." Whatever he is, he's sick. And not in the "oh I kind of pity him, he doesn't know any better" kind of sick. He's just a sick, self-centered, narcisstic....ARGH!

So here's what we do, we contact CBS and complain. True, they have no control over him. However, they have control over their show.

Next, I suggest we contact United Autism Foundation (the Autism Foundation he is a PR rep for) and we complain to them. Again, they have no control over his actions. However, they control his pay checks or the lack thereof. Autism fundraising is struggling to begin with, we don't need it connected with a schmuck like Adam.

Techincally this is Day 6 of Gavin being home but I'm only counting weather days. With every day, I get a little bit closer to that pretty padded room I've always wanted. ;) lol

Yesterday was actually pretty quiet and laid-back. (see here, here and here to bare witness to our silliness - lol) Today is already off to a smashing success. *insert sarcasm here*

Last night was pretty calm until around 1:00am. That's when Elliott got fussy and Rob and I woke up to find Elliott half in bed and half on the floor, trying to sleep. lol Poor little guy was pretty confused. So Rob brough him to bed. That marks the end of my night. Elliott took over my Snoogle pillow and my half of the bed. So I attempted to sleep with my head and neck in odd positions all night long. I have a night of little to no sleep, a crick in my neck and a throbbing migraine to show for it all. Fun. Fun. Fun.

What little sleep I did get was peppered with crazy dreams. I dreamt that I took Elliott back to the NICU to visit. Only the hospital had been moved to a shopping mall. There was something in there about getting into another hit-skip accident (they hit me and skipped - not the other way around) and the damage to my front end some how punctured my gas tank. Which then festered for hours before exploding. (Maybe that's when my head split open with the migraine. lol) Then I woke up and toss and turned for a while before I fell back to sleep and finished the dream. (I can't seem to do this when I want to finish the dream. Only when the dream stinks!) When I fell back to sleep I jumped into the dream at a point where some random guy was stealing my charred vehicle remains. This enraged me! How dare he take the charred, useless carcass that was my car! Again the pregnancy dreams strike and confuse me. lol

Enough about my crappy night, let's talk about Jericho. I am addicted. I admit it. Apparently Grandma Gene has been singing it's praises for months, oh how I wish I had listened. The Sci-Fi channel aired the first 4 episodes over the weekend and my darling husband had the presence of mind to record it. (Thank you Honey!) I'm missing 18 episodes though before I can watch the new one from last night. *sigh* C'est la vie. If you've never watched it, YOU SHOULD. Apparently after Season 1, CBS tried to cancel it. Only to get a response similar to the outcry over My So Called Life, and we all know what happened there. Hopefully, Jericho won't fall by the wayside after Season 2. I must admit though. I don't want to see Jake with Emily. I want to see him with Heather. Emily is just too...high maintenance for my tastes.

Gavin the fabulous dancing machine! He kept forgetting that my camera couldn't see everything so that's why he comes and goes off screen. lol

Tiny from the side. Thank you to my darling husband, for pointing out how my belly is round, then flattens in front and then drops off. lol
Tiny's tear drop shaped home. If you look closely, you can see that my belly button is already starting to disappear.

And of course, just because he's so darn cute! He made Daddy play nearly a dozen "games" of Uno before he agreed to come snuggle with me and watch "Dora the Explorer". Sorry, the sound isn't very loud but I'm using my digital camera after all. :)

Elliott Richard showing off his new verbage (what a great word!) with some gentle prodding from your's truly. lol The words were fish (shish), Uno (un-no), cat (cat). I tried to get him to say "love you", which is too cute for words, but instead I got "ah-bre" (which is spanish for open - according to Babel Fish that should be abierto but according to Dora the Explorer it's more like Elliott says it) because he decided he wanted to take his own pictures! lol

So far we have 2-3 inches of the 6-10 inches they are predicting. The snow wasn't supposed to fall until today but it got a jump start. Next comes the wet snow and ice. Followed by the rain. This has the potential to get real ugly folks. On the bright side, I have a HUGE jar of pickles. So I'm set. ;) lol

It's also Day 2 of no school. Gavin isn't nearly as crushed today as he was yesterday, which is both good and bad. It's good because he's in a better mood today. It's bad because it means he is settling into the swing of no school and will be thrown off when school resumes. I can only pray that he isn't thrown off too much and he is able to quickly recover.

Rob was kind enough to allow me to sleep in this morning. It's such a rare treat for me to sleep in and let me tell you, it.was.heavenly! Although I had some crazy, weird dreams. Some twisted version of Harry Potter with me as Duddy Dursley and my little brother, Zach, as Harry. If that makes no sense it's because the dreams made no sense. lol

In terms of life, Elliott is constantly learning new words. He just amazes me day after day. There are moments when it really hits me how completely different Gavin and Elliott are. The other night Rob made Sheppard's Pie for dinner. (In our house, Sheppard's Pie is a layer of ground turkey, layer of corn, layer of cheese and topped with a layer of mashed potatoes.) With all of my experience with Gavin, I absolutely didn't expect Elliott to even touch it. He ate more than half of mine and then a whole another helping himself! Last night, he ate fish! At first he snubbed his nose at it. Then he ate two whole pieces!

Gavin is busy creating "inventions". He never seems to finish them because as soon as he's started one, he moves on to the next. Yesterday afternoon Gavin had Occupational and Speech Therapies with Holly and Melanie. Rob and I were stuck in traffic so we were about 5 minutes late picking him. (He doesn't like us to go back with him so we use the time to run errands and whatnot.) Once we got there, I found him hanging out behind the front desk with Melanie and some of the other therapists. He was super proud of himself because he had tried both Red and Yellow Peppers. Simply amazing. There are days when he makes so much progress, even if it seems small to everyone else. It just makes my heart a little lighter, even if it only lasts a minute.

I don't have anything to say...I think part of it is the blog going public. It feels different now. lol

It's freezing here in Ohio. Gavin didn't have school today, which he was not pleased about. We have to go out to go to the grocery store, take Gavin to speech and occupational therapy and have my Quad Screen blood work drawn. Rob read on the Weather Channel that we may get up to 6-10 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow!!! So I need my salad and pickles before that hits. I'm out and if I get snowed in without it, I'll be one seriously unhappy pregnant woman! lol

I had another crazy, creepy pregnancy dream last night. I hate the creepy ones. The strange ones, I can handle. Dreaming I left the baby in carrier on top of the car or in the house, I can handle. But creepy dreams, no thank you.

So I've been cruising my blogs lately. And I'm completely obsessed with a new one, Confessions of a CF Husband. It's written by the husband/father. His wife, Tricia, has CF and is currently in a semi-drugged comma and intubated. Their daughter, Gwyneth, was born on January 8th at 24 weeks gestation. I think I followed a link from Tiffany's blog. Anyway, I'm obsessed and completely in love with this tiny micro-preemie whom I've never met. The truly funny thing (at least to me) is that Nathan posted a video of his walk between Gwyneth and Tricia and in the very beginning he does this thing where he licked his fingers and smoothed his eyebrows...Rob does that whenever he wants to cheer me up and everything else has failed. I guess I always knew that other men did that. I've just never actually *seen* it. lol Anyway, if you guys get a chance check out his blog. It's amazing. Gwyneth is a miracle in every sense of the word. Tricia is fighter and I admire them all so much.

Tricia also has a blog but since she's been sitting the sidelines she hasn't been able to update it. But you can check it out nonetheless. :)

(***I wrote this about a week or so ago but it was saved and never posted. So I am posting it today.)

I am proud to announce that we are now LIVE and OPEN TO THE PUBLIC. I have no idea if this affects anything or not. But here we are for all the world to see...boy that's kind of scary to think about. lol

I decided for reasons unknown to myself to make a graphic for the top of my blog. (see above) It took me literally all morning and many, many, many drafts before I finally got it right...for the most part. I don't think it's a half bad little graphic, especially since it's my first one ever. :) Was it a smart use of my entire morning, well, maybe not. But I like it. I think it adds a bit of personality to my blog. I really like Nathan's but I'm not that good. lol

I just want to be clear about something, our families are not evil or mean or heartless. There are some people in our lives who are very involved in any way they can be. There are other people who are involved in the only ways they can be. Some of you have helped us financially before. Some of you have bailed us out when we needed a last minute sitter for this, that or the other reason. Some of you have simply been there to help at school or to call me and say "hi". Thank you.

We love each and every one of our family members. There are things that anger me. There are things that hurt me. This doesn't change our love for them. But those feelings do exist and in the words of my favorite TV shrink, "You cannot change, what you don't acknowledge."

Rob and I were talking last night about a lot of things. While I was putting Elliott Richard to bed he read my blog. (He has access but doesn't read very often, which isn't a big deal since he lives it and all. lol) He said that while I'm honest I put a positive spin on things. I guess that's true. I am honest but there are things that I hold back on because for a while now Rob has been uncomfortable with the whole blogging thing. My blog is set to invite only so even if Nick or Pam managed to find my Blogger profile and try to access my blog they would see a message that says my blog is by invite only. No access. No risk. Unless one of you give them the url and your login info but since I know 99% of you personally and the rest of you either dislike them as much as I do or have no interest in them, I feel pretty safe. ;)

So I've decided that it's time for honesty. It's time for me to be a little blunt and completely open about our lives right now. Keep in mind a few things here: While I tend to be pretty honest and upfront about most things, there are some topics that are harder for me to discuss than others. Also this on again off again weather is killing me and my cold/sinus infection seem to be returning and the sinus stuff I take seems to make me a little loopy for some reason. So what I don't cover today I'll try and hit later. (Side note: I am horrible at spelling! Seriously. I apologize for any misspellings but my spell check doesn't work right now. So just ignore my typos.) Anyway, without further ado...

I have been "torturing" you guys with the fact that Rob and I know the sex of Tiny and you don't. Honestly, some of you do. Some of you don't. (Gavin doesn't even know but then if we told him we might as well tell everyone. lol) I haven't posted Tiny's sex on here because some family has access to the blog, although I seriously doubt that they exercise it. In theory I could post Tiny's sex here if I wanted to and our families probably still wouldn't know. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that my best friends (one of whom lives in NYC and the other knows who she is - hope you're feeling better, hon), my mother, my various internet moms (from all three pregnancies) and Gram (my newly internet adopted grandmother) are the only ones who really check this blog(at least that I know of because they let me know they've been here). (Tiffany, Nathan, and my Aunt Susie have access and are excused from this generalization because they have their hands seriously full at the moment.) Rob thinks I should post Tiny's sex and see who actually reads the blog to keep up with life in the our household. I don't agree. I'll know when the time is right for everyone to know and I'll tell you then. So asking (nicely or otherwise) and bribing (although fun and appreciated sometimes) won't work, so for your own sanity it's best that you not try. End of story. ;)

What's next...ah yes, money. We have none. (Can't get much more blunt than that.) Rob has "lost his job" in a manner of speaking. Rob is self-employed as a construction/contractor for a pretty big home builder here in town and the surrounding states. There is an allotment here in town that Rob has worked in since they opened it. He has been in every house in the neighborhood until now. Glen, the builder he was working for, quit. Glen's replacement (who's name escapes me at the moment) seems to dislike Rob. (We think it's because the last time Rob worked for him he was also working with a rather shady individual. Now please understand, Rob is not shady. In fact, he's one of the most honest and upfront people I know. But for a while his reputation was tarnished because he was associated with Bob before he knew the "Real Bob". Incidently, the "Real Bob" recently stole $6 off a dying 67 yr old man whom he, as a paramedic, was supposed to be saving, just to give you some perspective.) Anyway, this builder seems to be replacing Rob with someone different. This has killed our income. Right now we are living off of our income tax return but that will only last until the end of March, if we are lucky and don't buy things like diapers and gas. *sigh* Rob is actively looking for work with other allotments within the company, however, this also is the slow time of year. Homeowners are buying lots and picking homes but ground breaking probably won't happen for a few months yet and Rob isn't involved until closer to the end of the process.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Rob is self-employed for a few reasons. Could he go out and get any job to bring in something for the next few weeks, yes he could. However, that is not what is best for him or for our family. Rob has a herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in his back. He was told years ago that he needs surgery and shouldn't be doing construction. He has not had the surgery because it would require him to be completely out of commission for up to 6 months. He used to be a paramedic, a job that he loved, (He was saving a hemoraging pregnant woman when he destroyed his back.) but had to quit because he had to be away from home for 24-72 hours at a time and Gavin had become too much for me to handle on my own. To work a "normal job" Rob would have to have the freedom to sit down or stand as his back allows and needs. No employer is going to tolerate that and the pain of all the standing would kill him. When he got home, he would be useless to me and the boys. Rob does what he does to allow for fexibility in scheduling because of Gavin and his special needs. The work he does is not good for his back, by any means, but it allows for us to make enough money to survive on without requiring Rob to be away from home for 40+ hours every week. On a good day (for Gavin) I struggle to meet all his needs, however, now that I'm pregnant and already on light restrictions I am not allowed to have confrontations like the ones that are typical with Gavin. And I'm not allowed to care for Elliott Richard on my own now right either so I need Rob at home as much as time and income allow. This may sound irresponsible on our part but I assure you that this is the only and best way for us. I have made appointments to all of the agencies that may be able to help us at this point. I have calls into other contacts who may know of other assistance. We are doing all that we can at this point to plan for our uncertain future. (If you know of any help that I may not, please email me. When I say our financial situation is dire, I'm not being dramatic.)

Hhhhmmmm, where do I go from here? Ah, yes, the boys. We've been lucky with Elliott Richard. While he's technically considered a preemie, he was born at 36 weeks. That puts him a HUGE advantage over most preemies because we were able to keep him inside for 9 weeks despite the preterm labor that threatened us everyday. So even though he spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU, he's fine now. Developmentally, he's right on target.

Gavin isn't quite so easy. Gavin was a typical baby until about 2 1/2 or 3 years old. Then it was as if he woke up one day and someone had flipped a switch. Gavin was gone. Prior to the switch being flipped, he was a typical little boy. Although now that I have Elliott Richard as a "point of reference" (as Gavin's doctors put it) I now realize that there were many things I should have noticed but didn't. The fact that we lived down south for 9 months with a family doctor rather than Gavin's regular pediatrician didn't help matters any. And yes, I blame myself for that. From start to finish, I firmly believe that our time in down south while I was married to Nick was the beginning of the end for my precious Gavin.

There are many different theories as to how Autism/Asperger's comes to be. Some believe it is vaccines. I don't agree. Autism as a whole is seeing a 300% increase globally. That means third world countries, under-developed countries - essentially, countries without access to vaccines. In order for it to be vaccines, all the children in that 300% need to have exposure to the same vaccines. Others believe it is genetic, tied to such factors as extensive drug use by the parents (I used socially until I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. In my opinion, Nick is an addict.) and the advanced age of the father. I tend to agree with this a little more. Personally, I believe that Autism is much like cancer. You may be born with a genetic predisposition to cancer but not develop cancer in your lifetime. However, you pass that genetic predisposition on to your children and they may develop cancer if the conditions are right and the gene is triggered. I think either Nick or myself or both of us carried this genetic predisposition and passed it on to Gavin. Then something happened, over time, to trigger it. I believe that had it not been triggered, Gavin would have been quirky but not necessarily Autistic. But once it was triggered, Gavin was locked away inside his own mind. Too far away for us to reach.

When Gavin was young, before the switch was flipped, he was quirky. The girls at his daycare used to worry because he would not play with the other children. He would play beside them but never with them. He also refused, to the point of violent meltdowns, to participate in group activities. I admit, I was young (20/21) and didn't know what this meant. I thought he was simply angry at me for leaving him in daycare. When Gavin was a baby (9-18 months) he was very attached to me. Everywhere I went, he went. Elliott Richard is the same, only he's different. Gavin was attached to me but it was more as if I were a safe place, not a safe person. If that makes any sense. His attachment didn't seem to be emotional. As Gavin has grown, his attachments have become less emotional over time and more forced. He gives hugs because he has learned that they are expected in certain situations. Gavin will memorize a social situation and what he did that was acceptable in that moment. He will then react the exact same way every time recognizes a similar social situation. Gavin has no filter. If he sees someone smoking, he doesn't think about whether he knows them or if he should say what he's thinking, he tells them that smoking is bad and they are going to die. Then he will walk away. He has called neighbors "scary vultures" and "black monsters" to their faces. He doesn't know it's wrong. He simply thinks it and says it.

We try and teach Gavin what is right and wrong. We try and teach him that just because he feels the need to hug Elliott Richard does not mean he can drag him kicking and screaming away from his toys to accomplish it. We try and teach him that it's okay to not want to be touched but it is not okay to push, kick and hit Elliott Richard when he's trying to get Gavin's attention. The blunt truth of Gavin is that he has kicked Elliott Richard in the chest because Elliott Richard touched Gavin's foot. Gavin has kicked one of our cats down the stairs. He has tried to throw a dog down the stairs. When I was pregnant with Elliott, Gavin attacked me. He has tried to slam my fingers in his bedroom door while I was trying to get in and stop him from hurting himself. (Our house is 100+ years old and the doors are all about 2 inches solid wood.) He has clawed at my face, my eyes, my arms. He has spit in my face and punched me in the side of the head.

Gavin has no gray area. Everything in his world is black and white. He over-generalizes everything. If Person A buys Gavin at toy "just because" at Wal*Mart. Then from that moment on every time he is at Wal*Mart Gavin's believes that he will get a toy. It doesn't matter who is with him. His whole life is like that. Good and evil, with no in-between.

In our home, routine is life. Our lives are not such that our routine is on a set time schedule. However, the same things happen in the same order everday. Regardless of the time we get up or doctors appointments etc. In our world, it is always A, B, C, D etc. Never A, Z, J, V etc.

I am not telling you these things about Gavin because I want you to think him a monster. He is NOT a monster. However, he is not typical either. Simply because your pregnancy, labor & delivery were textbook followed by text book typical children, does not mean that our lives work that way. Gavin attends a special school for Asperger's and ADHD children. They have been a God send! Make no mistake the staff are ANGELS and I will take on (verbally of course) anyone who dares to tell me differently. Without them, Gavin would not be able to attend school. Public schools (as I've stated in previous posts) are not a fit for Gavin in any stretch of the imagination. I honestly do not know where we would be without them. They are all miracle workers and the best part of my job as a mother and President of the PTA is that I get to watch them work miracles everyday.

Warning: This is where my honesty is about to get bitter and angry. You have been warned.

Some things make me angry, understandablly. There are people out there who believe that they know better simply based on age. WRONG. Some believe they know better because they have typical children who all turned out wonderfully. WRONG. Some people believe that I am too strict, too structured, too this that and the other thing. WRONG.

Just because you are older than me, does not mean you have more experience than me. I have seen things in my 27 1/2 years that most of you have only read about. My childhood was not text book, unless you happen to be reading a text book about an ADHD child. My young adult years were filled with anger, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cops, court dates, legal battles...you name it and it was probably in there at some point. I did not get to go away to college. I did not get to date my soul mate for years before getting engaged, getting married and having children - in that order. The last 15 years of my life have been spent fighting for survival - my own, my children's, my husband's, my marriage.

Much of the things I have endured over the past 15 years are nightmares of my own creatation; I recognize that. I take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I will not take ownership or responsibility for anyone else's. I chose to marry Nick. He chose to abuse me in any way he could think of. I did not deserve it. I did not tolerate it. And while others are certainly within their rights to ask my advice and not take it, do not ask my advice and tell me that my opinion/p.o.v. (point of view) is wrong because it does not fit into your Bubble Gum Universe. I wish I lived in your Universe but I don't. I live in the Real World. Which is MESSY and UGLY and filled with PAIN and ANGER and nasty ugly things. While you may wish to live with your head in the sand and ignore the world outside your door, please remember that I live there and when you ignore the pain and suffering in the world...You are ignoring me!

I wish I had grown up with a deep faith in God. I wish I had a life in which that faith has never been tested and I've never been angry with God. But you know what, I haven't and that's okay. That makes me HUMAN. Some people prefer to live life worrying about what others will think. While I often take into considersation what others think, it does not run my life. I know my God. We are tight. He loves me and I love him. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to show my love for him nor for him to show his love for me. I was not married in a church. It was a civil ceremony with my parents and brother and Rob's parents and siblings. That does not doom our marriage.

I have lived my entire life clouded by judgement and none of that judgement has come from where it should - GOD. I will not live in judgement any longer. My life is not easy, even on a perfectly amazing day. My life is struggle and pain. My health sucks. Rob's back is blown. Gavin is Autistic. And by the grace of God, Elliott is "perfect" (in relation to the everyone else's issues). Gavin and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the abuse I endured and he witnessed down south. My life is not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that it is because it makes other uncomfortable. I appreciate every prayer that is offered up to God on our behalf but you know what, there are times when it would be nice if more than prayers were offered. If you really want to know what we need...Call and ask to take Gavin for the day or overnight. Call just to see how things are going. If something is going wrong in the pregnancy, ask us about it. If we don't want to talk about it, we'll let you know. If you care, sometimes it's just nice to be told or shown.

I'm tired of fake people. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am tired of fake people. (FYI...Fake people are normal people who act in a manner that is fake, shallow, self-serving etc)If you assume that we'll tell you if things are really bad, then don't be surprised when we don't tell you anything. Don't be surprised when you aren't included in the good because you don't care to be there in the bad. My life right now reminds me of that children's story about the little red hen. She gathers all the ingredients to make bread and asks for help along the way. Everyone is too busy to help with the work. Then when the bread is baked, everyone is willing to help her eat it. And that little red hen says NO, you didn't want to help me work so you won't enjoy the fruits of my labor. That's how I feel. If you can't be bothered to care about us when things suck. You won't get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. And you know what, life sucks. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be.

I'm NOT telling you these things because:
We are looking for hand-outs or hand-ups or whatever you'd like to call them.
We are looking for pity.
I am unhappy with my life.
I am trying to hurt anyone.

I AM telling you these things because:
I want to be completely honest (within reason, somethings y'all just don't need to know lol).
If you pray, you'll now know what to pray for.
If you want to help, you now know what we need.
If you ask me (or us) to go somewhere, do something etc you'll now know why we can't.
Everyone needs to know what our lives are like.
I'm tired of not sharing how I feel because it might upset people. (This is my blog. If you don't like it or can't handle it, don't read it. Most of you don't anyway.)
It's unhealthy for me to hold all this crap in.

Rob cringes every time I utter the word Ladybug now. He says that he hates it and even if we are having a girl I'm forbidden from using it. lol So I've been struggling to come up with a new nickname for our littlest baby-to-be because I have to call it something (and It or The Baby are NOT options in my book). Today it came to me...Tiny. Because well the baby is tiny and it's unisex so it will assist me in keeping from all of you what we are having! *insert evil laugh here* lol My new layout is also gender neutral. No more jumping between pink and blue depending on my mood. Now it's gender neutral layouts only for this blog...at least until July! lmao

On a completely unrelated side note, I have always wondered how everyone else got their pictures centered and perfectly sized and whatnot...had I just used the picture button up there rather than trying to paste the code into my posts all of my picture posts would have looked as nice as the last two picture posts! lol

Ultrasound picture from Tuesday, January 29th. Tiny is 14 weeks 6 days in this picture. On the right is the face (alien-looking though it is) and on the left is the body. The black circle in the body is the stomach, I think, it's black because the baby had swallowed some of the amniotic fluid. Which is supposed to happen to help the digestive tract to develop.