Cheerio Confessions

So I've had like 4 or 5 different appointments this week. I can't believe I haven't updated on any of them.

Actually, I can believe I haven't updated on them. I haven't updated because my laptop died. It's official. It's dead and gone. So now I have to use the desktop. I don't like using the desktop. It's a perfectly lovely little desktop. And I'm sure Rob could tell you all about all the bells and whistles that it has, which make it a really cool (sweet, awesome - insert adjective here). But the fact of the matter is, I'm spoilt. I was used to writing my blog and surfing the net where ever I was at any given moment. I was used to not having to share. Now I have to share. And I may be crazy but I think this keyboard hates me. (I'm just throwing that out there.) So it's more difficult for me to post now.

Anyway, here's the run down of the appointments:

Tuesday June 10th - Lisa came bright and early at 8:00am. (For what it's worth, when I set up the standing weekly appointment at 8:00am every Tuesday I was already up. Now that school is out, not so much.) I can't find the stats for that appointment. So we'll just assume that all was well in the land of Tiny.

Wednesday June 11th - As Rob previously posted I was scheduled to have my BPP and NST at the hospital at 7:00pm, however, they called and asked me to come in at 3:00pm because the tech who was scheduled to perform my NST called in sick. This meant that the family members we had invited could not make it because they were all at work. It also meant that we had to run around like chickens with our heads chopped off in order to get everyone ready and where they needed to be. In the end, everyone got ready. Everyone got where they needed to be. Here are the stats:


After the BPP we went upstairs to L&D (my favorite place to be) for my NST. It went pretty smoothly. I had a few contractions but nothing major and was released after 30-45 minutes. Here are those stats:


Thursday June 12th - We saw Dr. D at 11:00am. I asked him about feeling woozy lately. Told him about my extreme nausea. Was given a refill on my Phenergan. And had my blood sugar and iron levels checked. He also said that if I go into labor before 37 weeks, he won't try and stop it. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to make his grand entrance. He also gave me an end date for this all. He said that if I make it to 37 weeks, he will release me. So at 37 weeks I can stop taking the Procardia, no more Heparin injections and full release from bed rest. (Yippee!) So the end is in 3 weeks unless Tiny decides otherwise. Here are the stats from that appointment:


I turned out to be slightly anemic so they started me on iron suppliments. I made the mistake of taking them a few hours ago and all they did was make my nausea worse. So now I'm hot and nausous and I can't get it to go away even with the Phenergan.

(PS I'll scan the ultrasound pics and post them later. Oh and the spinkle pictures and belly pictures too.)

94 down ~ 41 to go

I'm so far past overwhelmed at this point that I can't even see "overwhelmed" anymore. My pregnancy is nearing the end and while that's amazing because we've made it this far; it also sucks. I want it to be over because I'm in so much pain and I can't seem to find any relief. But I don't want it to be over because I feel like I haven't had a decent chance to really enjoy this pregnancy. It feels as if every moment has been about everything and everyone else. And the few moments that weren't about everything and everyone else, were spent trying to figure out "should we call", "should we go in".

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I don't even really know which way is up anymore.

I go to bed every night and I pray. I pray that God will give me more patience. That tomorrow we won't have massive meltdowns every hour, how about every two hours? I pray that Gavin will not physically lash out at Elliott Richard because Elliott had the audacity to love him. I pray that Elliott Richard will finally realize that he cannot touch, cuddle, snuggle or even talk to Gavin. I pray that his sense of self-preservation will kick in and he will learn to avoid Gavin. I pray that the next day won't be as exhausting as the one before. I pray that God will help me to find a way, any way to make it work with three boys. I pray that we haven't dug ourselves in too deep. I pray to make it through one more day pregnant with Tiny. Then I pray that Tiny comes soon because I don't know how much longer we can keep going like this. I pray that God will show me the way and be obvious about it because I'm so tired that subtleties are lost on me right now. I pray that God will just tell me what Tiny's name is meant to be; because we are struggling to find one and that's just one more thing on the pile right now. I pray that Tiny will be "typical" because I don't know that we could handle another child "with something more" and Elliott Richard deserves to have a sibling he can relate to. I pray that if I am to have Tiny early, that it's also obvious. I need a gush of fluid or contractions every 3 minutes apart. Anything that screams "This is it!" and leaves no room for guessing.

Mostly, I pray for help. Over and over again. "God, please help me." I pray for it until I fall asleep.

Sometimes I wonder if God can hear me. Other times I know he must hear me because I scream it inside my head. I scream it so loudly that my head hurts. A piece of my heart breaks with every scream. Surely God can hear that. Surely he must know how absolutely terrified I am. How I'm terrified I will miss a subtle change in my pregnancy. A change that if caught would mean Tiny lives. But once missed, means he is lost to us forever. Surely he must know how I think of myself. How everyone proclaims to see this wonderful, giving mother and all I see is a failure. I failed to protect Gavin from the abuse. I failed to protect him after we left, which was my sole purpose in leaving - to protect Gavin. How I fail everyday to find a level on which to relate to Gavin. How I fail to accomplish everything that needs done. How I fail to be strong enough, smart enough, calm enough. Surely he can hear my cries begging him to make me more. Make me better. Make me stronger. Make me more. Surely God knows how much we need him. How quickly we are drowning. Sinking faster than the Titanic. Surely he hears us and knows. "God, please help me."

People send me forwards. Funny forwards. Religious forwards. Heart-breaking fowards. I get them all. I read them sometimes. The religious ones always give me a moment to pause and think. Grandma Gene sent me one weeks ago. It showed a man walking and he was hit by a tiny pebble. But to that man, that tiny pebble might as well have been a boulder. He stops and he turns around and screams. He screams because he's had enough. He screams because that pebble got through and while the pebble was tiny to God, it was huge to the man. He screams until he notices Jesus standing there. Shielding the man from all the other hundreds of pebbles and boulders and stones that are being thrown. Jesus looks down at the man and says, "Sorry, I must have missed one."

I get it. For every pebble, for every boudler, for every stone that we are hit with; God is shielding us from many, many more. I get the meaning of it. I don't feel it. But logically, I get it. I just wish I could feel it too. I wish the few that get through, didn't feel so big and life altering.

Rob has been updating about the goings-on in our household lately. However, there are a few things I want to say as well. (I wrote this but somehow I ended up signed in under Rob's user info. I would repost it to correct it but we'd lose the comments.)

What kind of world are we living in? That our legal system is so quick to trumpet "Family Re-unification", "Save the Family"; and therefore so quick to toss the best interests of the child to the side of the road. I'm all for family re-unification. If, and only if, it is in the best interest of the child. I'm sorry if a parent is an alcoholic, an addict, mentally ill or abusive, or they simply don't care enough to be involved. I feel for them. However, it is not our responsibility to follow these "adults" around and try and force them into roles they obviously have no interest in or are simply incapable of filling. It is not our responsibility to make sure they do the right thing. If they choose the substance, the illness or the actions above the child; they have made their choice. Why should we continue to give them second, third and fourth chances to make "the right choice"?

If I have $50 and I choose to spend it on myself rather than on my children. That is my choice. I have made it. Was it the right choice, not likely but that is something I (and unfortunately my children) will have to live with. No one is going to follow me around while I'm shopping with my $50 and ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure that's what you want?" Why should we follow these "parents" who have made their decisions around continually asking, "Are you sure that's what you should be doing?"

It sucks that the children pay the price for our follies. It sucks that they will remember someday that Mommy or Daddy made the wrong decision. It sucks that those children will likely harbor ill-will towards their "parents" for the decisions they have made. But that's life. We cannot possibly protect our children from everything because then they would experience nothing. That's not life.

Life is painful and bloody and ugly. Yet at the same time it's sweet and beautiful and joyful. When we attempt to protect them from everything, we deny them the opportunities to experience life in all it's beautiful, twisted glory.

While we can't protect them from everything; in today's legal system it seems nearly impossible to protect them from anything. Including the big bad wolf that is known and knocking down our door. Nevermind trying to protect them from the big bad wolf that lurks in the shadows and is yet unknown.

What use is it to be a child's sole custodian when your opinion in the "best interest" of your child, doesn't matter. Logically, we should be the one's who know our children best. And therefore are most equipped to say "Yes, little Johnny can handle this." or "No, that's way too much and would throw little Johnny into a tale-spin." Yet, when we attempt to do this. When we attempt to fulfill our roles as advocates for our children, the courts label it as "parental alienation" or "custodial interference". They chastise us and say, "Bad parents! How dare you!" and slap us on the wrist for speaking up.

All the while we have the "non-custodial parent" on the other side of the court room. Drunk and stoned half out of their minds and the court commends them for showing up at all. It doesn't matter that they are under-the-influence, after all, isn't it great that they showed up! "Yay for the non-custodial parent! You came to court to fight for your child drunk and stoned! Here! Have a gold star!"

How did we get here? How did we manage to jump from one extreme to the next? It used to be that men automatically received custody because they were the man of the house and society was a "good ole boys club". Then it was the mother automatically received custody because they were the mothers and it was cruel to take a child from its mother. Now it's supposed to be a fair game. It's supposed to be the child "wins" and the best parent for the job receives sole custody. But that's not quite right either. Now it's the parent with the most money, the best attorney or the smarmiest attorney (the attorney who is willing to win at all costs of self-respect and reputation), or the best connections wins.

Some people will deny this. You can tell these people by their indignation at the idea of a biased legal system. And God bless them for it. Those few people are the only ones keeping our entire legal system from sinking forever into this moral quagmire we have created for ourselves. They are the ones on the street corners protesting. They not only know what the Bill of Rights are; but they exercise those rights. Our country has found itself in an on-going popularity contest. With our citizens going with the "popular vote"; rarely going against the grain to stand up and say "I'm going to do what's right".

Unfortunately, until we can find our way out of this disaster we've created for ourselves...until we can truly become "one nation under God, indevisible, with liberty and justice for all" our children will continue to find themselves stuck in the middle. Bad parenting won't be a negative thing because what does it matter if you are a bad parent; if no one else cares. Children will be lost in the system. Hearts will be shattered and bruised and the "cure" will be getting even. Our children will continue to look in the wrong places for love. They will continue to turn to deaf ears for help. Parents and children will continue to place their faith (the only thing some of them have left) in a legal system that proclaims to protect them. Only to have their hopes dashed and their faith lost because the "good guys" rarely win. And the "bad guys" rarely see justice.

Well today has been very busy. We were very excited today because we were having another ultrasound tonight at 7pm. Also my brother Jon his wife Teri and my sister Kate were coming to see the baby. We tried even when we were pregnant with Elliott to involve people in the pregnancy but no one was really interested or able to really be involved.... So we were really excited at the idea that they were going to come with us. This may be the last ultrasound for us EVER (no more kids)....

Then the phone rang and the hospital canceled the 7pm ultrasound and moved it to 3pm. We had to scatter to change plans with the baby sitter (my mom) and be there in about 30 minutes from the time of the call. Needless to say no one was able to make it to the new time... That really sucked...

Then on the way home I was going to hit our McDonald's that we always hit on our way home from the hospital and guess what, it wasn't there. Apparently it was torn down a few days ago.... ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Gavin has been, well, Gavin today. He held nothing back. He started the day by screaming at Elliott for touching him.... Poor Elliott is so confused because Gavin is rejecting his affection.... Hopefully as Elliott gets older he will understand and not take it personally.......

Lizze is miserable and getting worse as the end draws near. She is in tons of pain and cannot get comfortable at all. The weather has cooled down so that's a plus....

Lizze has been creating away on her cards. New ones will be posted soon. Be sure to check out her fathers day cards there are still a few left.

Over all today wasn't to bad.......

What Tiny is up to this week: Your amazing baby is on the move! They’ve been riding fairly high in your stretched-out womb till now (while kindly compressing your poor internal organs), but now they’re planning on making the big move to your pelvis this week. If you haven’t noticed it already, you’ll be feeling the weight shift that signals that your baby is most likely out of breech position, with their head now resting on your pubic bone. In liver news: although not quite fully formed, your little miracle’s liver is now capable of processing a certain amount of waste. In general, most of your child’s prenatal physical development is pretty much up to snuff and ready for the outside world. Naturally, further weight gain is expected—so you’re still not at maximum capacity despite probably feeling like you definitely are maxed out.

Well it appears that there was another "Mix Up" with the doctors today. We are supposed to see Gavin's therapist tonight but guess what, someone took our time slot again. This is happening all the time. Our last appointment was canceled at the last minute and we just got the call that this one was also canceled.

I would like to know how it is we are supposed to get help when we have no one left to help us. It will most likely be another month before we can get in again......

I am so close to giving up right now. Maybe we aren't meant to get through this because we have yet to catch a break. And that is the truth. We never catch a break. It's one nightmare after another.

We desperately need help with Gavin and we aren't getting it. Our parents help by taking Gavin and we are very grateful but that doesn't fix the problem. We need help living with Gavin. We need to know what to do with him. We are COMPLETELY LOST...and COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. I don't think anyone really gets that....

Gavin's therapist is also supposed to broker a mediation with Lizze's ex-mother in law in an attempt to get her to she how much damage she is doing and once again try to resolve this peacefully. We are running out of time to deal with this and I have no patience left.

We are using the very best of the best when if comes to Gavin's doctors but that also means they are in demand. We don't pay cause we have no money and Gavin's father won't provide health insurance for him. Gavin is on one of the Medicaid HMO's and some of his doctors will not take it. So I believe everything comes down to money. Those with it get what they need and those without get pushed to the back. Don't get me wrong his doctors are great and we are grateful that they have taken him on under these conditions but we still feel lost. I truly believe if we had the money this court stuff would have been done long ago but we don't so we keep getting dragged through eh mud over and over again. We have no idea what to do.

We all know that Gavin is "Special". We know that he lives in his own world away from the rest of us. We just didn't realize how far away his world really is.

We have come to accept that Elliott and Gavin probably won't ever have a relationship in the way that most brothers have with each other.

Today Elliott had bumped his hand. I kissed it to make it better but that wasn't really what he needed. Elliott saw his big brother Gavin coming down the steps to get some more water. Elliott ran over to Gavin and was almost crying to him that he had a boo boo. He asked Gavin to kiss it and make it better. Gavin pushed him aside and walked right by. Elliott then ran after him begging him to kiss his boo boo. Elliott even said "please" which he rarely ever says but Gavin ignored him. Gavin started back up the steps like Elliott wasn't even there. By this time Elliott was desparatly pleading with him to kiss it and make it better. Gavin returned to his room without any thought to his little brother. Elliott sat down on the step and started to cry the way a 2 year old cries. Then he slowly walked over to us with his head hung and climbed into Mommy's lap and just snuggled. We both had tears streaming down our faces and we asked him if we could kiss it and make it better. Elliott just quietly wispered Gavin.

At that very moment we realized just how hard this is on Elliott. Gavin isn't to blame for this becasue it's not his fault but never the less it impacts all of us.....It impacts all of us in a very real way....

You know how they say everyone has their breaking point? I am no exception to this rule. I just can't tell if I have actually hit mine yet. I know that sounds weird but I have become so numb anymore I just can't tell. I know at this exact moment I don't think I can take anymore. I don't mean that to be dramatic but I think if anything else happens I will just break. Not in a violent way but mentally break down. I already have a hard time even putting coherent thoughts together. I don't remember anything anymore. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't feel restful and all I have anymore are nightmares.

Lizze is completely overwhelmed and in so much pain. Elliott is so stressed out he doesn't sleep more then a few hours or less at a time. I feel like he is being robbed of his childhood. We cannot play outside because A) I don't have any energy anymore and B) our neighborhood just keeps getting worse. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I know Lizze feels the same way. We don't want to go outside because or some of our neighbors and we don't want to be inside because Gavin is in there. I know that sounds terrible but he is so indescribably exhausting. I know its not his fault but it doesn't lessen the impact his behaviors have on the rest of us. I slao know I probably sound like a scratched record but it is what it is.

I know I can speak for Lizze when I say we don't want to give up on Gavin but I just don't think we can do this much longer. I know that we won't survive this long term. I know that.. No matter how much we keep pushing ourselves we just don't have much left.
It's like when you are working out with free weights. If you are doing some curls or even bench pressing you can only go for so long before you hit a fail point. No matter how bad you want to do that last rep you just physically can't. That's what it feels like.
I have to much to worry about right know to be able to cope at all. Here's my top worries at the moment:

1) The pregnancy. I could of easily lost Lizze the last time and we almost lost Elliott. That is my worst fear.

2) Keeping Lizze out of jail. I know I said they cannot get away with this but never say never. After all this is our live we are talking about. Anything that can happen will happen, regardless of the odds. If we can fend this one off what will they do next? Because apparently our lives are complicated enough already.

3) How do we ensure the health, happiness and safety of Elliott and Tiny and how long can we keep it up. We also have to take care of ourselves but when? How do I keep my family from falling apart.

4) How do we all live together. Things are only going to get worse for Gavin once the baby gets here. Worse for Gavin means worse for us. More meltdowns and more violence.

5) How do we do all of this without making Gavin feel different (I know we don't think he can perceive things like that but as his parents we assume he can) then the other kids. We don't want him to feel unloved or unwanted but he has to be treated differently then the other kids.

6) How will we survive financially? Because I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off. Retirement? What's that?


There it is. My current worries... All are very real. There are so many more but just listing these has made me sick to my stomach.

We need a miracle.. I am pretty sure that's what it is going to take to get through this alive....

That's my "completely overwhelmed, extremely stressed out and losing my mind" rant for today. I had to blow off a little steam...

Ok now the Lizze update. We had to go in to see Dr.D this afternoon because her contractions were getting really weird. They are 15 to 20 minutes apart but some were lasting 10 minutes. So we had to get checked out.. Same song different day. Nothing we can do but Tiny is doing great. We are almost 34 weeks so nothing will be stopped if she does officially start labor. So we are on edge because we really don't know what is going on but we know it's getting real close. I am sure Lizze will post more later.


Thanks

Wow. I've spent 90 days on strict bed rest. That's just unreal to me. Of course, I've broken out of jail a few times during those 90 days but still. It's been 90 days since preterm labor went from a concern and possibility to a reality. It's been 16 weeks since the ER docs said we were experiencing a "threatened abortion" (I still hate that term.) and if it happened it wouldn't be our fault. Tiny's a fighter, that's for sure. I just hope he has it in him to fight for another 4 weeks.

I've spent the weekend having crazy contractions. They were consistantly 15-20 minutes apart, which is nothing new. But some of them were lasting for 5-10 minutes a piece. I woke up this morning with cramps that were so bad I actually thought for a split second that I was getting ready to start my period. Then I remembered that I was pregnant and that wasn't going to happen. After debating all day, Rob finally called Dr. D's office. They had me come in at 4:10pm.

I had an NST and fFN test done. Dr. D said that while I was having some contractions things looked good. He said that if I go into labor at this point he isn't going to stop me. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to enter into the world. They gave me a shot of Demerol/Phenergan to help with the pain and nausea from everything. I must admit, it was nice to be relatively pain-free for a little while.

The Stats
Weight: 183 (I gained 4lb! Yay!)
Tiny's Heartrate: 147bpm
NST: passed (3 cx/20m)

For now we are just waiting. Again. I'll be sure to update if anything changes. I'm hoping to make it to 36 weeks but Rob thinks it will be sooner. Let's hope not.

Rob is now cleaning like a mad man. I think he's nesting enough for the both of us. (lol) We have a lot we need to get figured out PDQ. I need to get a duffle bag and pack it for me. Have bags packed and ready for the boys. Have arrangements made for who is taking which boy. There is so much to be done and I just don't have the energy to do any of it.

90 days down ~ 45 to go
13 weeks down ~ 5 to go

I need to write up my own update. I know this. I keep trying. The fact of the matter is that I'm so exhausted, I'm lucky to function at all. My morning (all-day) sickness has returned and the phenergan isn't touching it. Although eventually it does knock me out for a few hours. So I guess I'm getting away from it that way. As soon as I can find 15 mins to myself in this mad-house, I swear I'll post an update. For now, know that we are surviving...for the moment.

A- Attached or single: Attached

B- Best Friend(s): Rob & My Mommy

C- Cake or Pie: Cake

D- Day of Choice: Monday

E- Essential Item (s): Pop, journals, art supplies, pens, cell phone, PC

F-Favorite type of music: Christian and Country

G- Gummy Bears or Worms: Sour Patch Kids

H- Hometown: NE Ohio

I-Indulgence(s): pop, chocolate, art supplies, pens, journals

J- January or July: July (for mine and Tiny's birthdays) January (for the weather - I hate the HEAT!)

K- Kids: 2.5

L- Last movie: August Rush (awesome flick!)

M- Marriage Date: September 2003

N- Number of Siblings: 1 brother (2 - 1/2 sisters I don't have contact/relationships with)

O- Oranges or Apples: Both

P- Phobias or Fears: Small Spaces, needles, water, spiders

Q- Quote(s): Bad luck is something we endure. Good luck is something we create. ~ Bobby Kennedy

R- Reason To Smile: My family

S- Season: Spring

T- Tag : Nikky (because it's so much fun to mess with her lol), Julie, Slade, Apple

U- Unknown Fact About Me:

V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: I eat meat. Does that mean I'm an oppressor of animals?

W-Worst Habit: Procrastination

X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Ultrasounds

Y- Your Favorite Food: Mexican

Z- Zodiac: Cancer

89 down ~ 46 to go

Lizze and I wanted to take a minute and say thank you to Gavin's very "GIFTED", patient, kind and caring teachers (including staff). You know who you are... We would have been lost without you. Gavin has done so much better as your student then he ever has before. Thank you for your patients, understanding and compassion this past year. You are trully a credit to your perfession. We really hope we are woking with you again next year.There's a few containers of "box tops" in it for you... :) lol

Thanks Again for all your hard work. All of you have made a "HUGE" difference in our lives.....

Rob and Lizze

Today has been pretty uneventful thus far. My parents are taking the kids for a little while to go celebrate my Grandma G's birthday.... Happy Birthday Grandma...

We have only had 1 or 2 minor meltdowns today (Thank God). Mostly today is just not listening. It's not like he is ignoring us, or disobaying us. He is just lost in his own little world and so we are literally repeating ourselves a dozen times for everything.. It quite exhusting acctually. However, no violent tantrums so far... Great job Gavin!!!!!

Well we are going to try and rest while they are gone.

It has been asked by Anonymous "why do you all have ptsd?" I have it as a "parting gift" from my ex-husband and our previous disaster of a marriage. Rob has it from all the horrors he witnessed while saving lives as a firefighter/paramedic. Gavin has it...well, he's a minor and my son...so just take my word for it...he has it. His Autism actually puts him at an increased risk because he can't process the world around him, let alone tell; which makes him the "perfect victim". Elliott Richard doesn't have it. Thank God for small favors. (When I have more time, I may eloborate on my "parting gift". But seeing as how it's currently 11:07pm and I've been having wicked contractionns all day and Elliott has been super fusy...it can wait. Most of you know it already anyway and no one likes repeats. lol)

Thank you for the question.. :)

Good Night........

The first day of summer vacation has been a disaster. It started at 7am with Gavin beating on our door because he thought his TV wasn't working (even though he hadn't even turned it on, cause if he had he would have seen it was working). Then he beat on the door an hour later because we were sleeping to long, I guess.

I lost track of the meltdowns today. It started first thing this morning and continued until about 7pm this evening. I think Gavin scared the teller at the bank today because out of nowhere he started screaming and screaming as loud as he could. Then he started to lash out at Elliott who was trying to kiss it and make it better. Gavin hasn't listened ALL DAY LONG. I am losing my mind. Elliott is not feeling good again and keeps waking up and screaming and we are having a hard time comforting him..

Lizze isn't doing good. Her contractions are raging right now. Some are lasting pretty long and are really painful... We are living in our bedroom because we have a window air conditioner in there (Gavin can't stand the air so he hangs in his room). We have to keep the windows on the first floor closed because the people in our neighborhood are not nice and have zero class. They curse and yell and do drugs right outside my house. We cannot allow the kids to play out side in our fenced in yard because our neighborhood is going down the drain.

I keep wondering what kind of life we are giving our kids. It breaks my heart to see my family falling apart and I don't know what to do about it... Our quality of life is nothing anymore... I want so much more for my wife and kids but no matter what I do nothing works or something else happens and drags us right back down.

Elliott is screaming I got to go. Hopefully tomorrow is better....

I will keep you posted on Lizze's condition...

Well last night Elliott went to bed a little before 7pm. That was really good because he was tired. But we soon learned that he was tired because he was getting sick. He was up all night long, waking up every 30 mins or so crying. He woke up with a fever of 100 F. Another night with no sleep is par for the coarse.

Gavin seems to have slept better last night but was up by 6am and watching cartoons. We got of to school with to many problems. This is the last day of school for the summer and we are both on edge because we know what that is going to mean.

Lizze and I have been trying to figure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be for the Elliott and the baby. We are waiting to find out if Gavins MRDD rep was able to get us funding to increase our home security system so it will monitor Gavins room at night. At this point we don't feel comfortable putting Elliott in his room unless we lock Gavin in his (which we are also uncomfortable with)room at night. That brings up safety concerns for Gavin and it will also encourage him to use is carpet as a toilet again (WE DON"T WANT HIM TO START THAT AGAIN)...

Today my goal is to try to get the kitchen caught up (it fell apart with all the plumbing problems) and laundry done.

Lizze is resting but is in a tremendous amount of pain still. She is distracting herself by working on some greeting card orders she has in right now (thank you for the orders).

Elliott is feeling a little better and is all over the place once again.

I am going to keep setting small goals and try to accomplish them.

The mail just got here and still no check. Our economic stimulus check was supposed to be here by May 30th and we still haven't seen it yet. It is starting to make me nervous (but I am constantly on edge so that doesn't take much) because our income tax return direct deposit got lost this year and was delayed because of that... I just hope it shows up eventually...


That's all for now... More later....

I can't believe it's morning already. Last night seemed to go on....forever.


Elliott Richard is getting sick. He doesn't seem to have any symptoms other than a fever and a grumpy disposition at the moment. He didn't sleep for crap last night, which in turn means that we didn't sleep for crap either. We gave him some tylenol and he seems to slowly be making a come-back. Genetics seem to work in his favor here because Rob and I both tend to get sick and then recover pretty quick. (Rob just tends to get sicker since he doesn't get sick very often. Whereas I tend to get whatever it is to a lesser degree but I get it more often.)


I woke up feeling like I had a night of charlie horses in my right leg and uterus all night. I am so incredibly sore it's unreal to me right now. I don't know how I managed to sleep through a bunch of charlie horses but it feels as if I did. My stomach feels as if I was beaten on in my sleep. Rob keeps asking me if I need to call Dr. D's office because I'm in so much pain and discomfort at the moment. I don't think I'm in labor or anything. It's probably just normal pregnancy related torture. (Thank you, Tiny.)


Today is officially the last day of school. I honestly can't take the time to feel overwhelmed at the idea of Gavin home all day everyday.


87 down ~ 48 to go

I started this post a few days ago and I really struggled with this. I don't know if this will make any sense but it has been swimming around in my head and I needed to get it out.....

First of all I wanted to express our many thanks to all you out there that come by and visit us here, or at our card store. I cannot begin to explain to you how good it feels to know there are still caring people out there. Most of you don't know us outside of this blog but still choose to leave kind words and encouragement. Your kindness is so very appreciated. We have been living through some very difficult times for the past 7 or 8 years now. It's comforting to know people care....We will forever be grateful for your thoughts and prayers..Please know we keep all of you in ours....

Secondly I would like to re-emphasize the purpose of this blog. As I said earlier we are living and have been living through some very difficult times. We have been defending ourselves and Gavin (our 8 year old with Autism/bipolar disorder/adhd/ptsd/ocd and sensory integration disorder) from his drug and alcohol addicted father and abusive grandmother. They have been waging war on us for almost 7 years now. Even with EVERY doctor,caseworker and teacher 150% behind us, we still cannot stop the barrage of contempt motions and the psychological warfare from continuing. These attempts never go anywhere but we still have to go to court to address them. Currently there are 2 motions pending to have Lizze put in jail for up to 60 days. Again they CANNOT win but we still have to drive 2 hrs to appear in court in another part of the state and pay our attorney a crap load of money we don't have just to make this go away only for it to happen again. Lizze has been on bed rest for many months now and the stress of all this stuff doesn't help. Our attorney along with her doctor told the court that if forced to appear in court now, it could very well kill her and or the baby. The court then had to force a continuance because her ex mother and law refused to postpone court till after the pregnancy despite knowing what could happened to Lizze or our unborn son. In the end Lizze was granted about 5 days recover from labor and delivery before she must appear in court and deal with this stuff. We are hoping this will be the very last time we are put through this and we intend to close any possible loop hole that may exist to ensure this cannot continue to happen in the future.

Gavin.....

Gavin is a sweet, compassionate child with a huge heart and spirit. Gavin is also Autistic and Bipolar (just to name a few). He is struggling with every single aspect of life right now. He is severely regressed and best we can figure he is somewhere between 2 and 4 years of age emotionally. He cannot handle anything anymore. He is violent to himself and his little brother. We cannot allow them to play together because Gavin can snap in a second. Gavin is a good kid but is troubled. We have exhausted all our resources (physically, emotionally and financially)trying to protect him and ensure early intervention for his disorders. We are doing everything we can to ensure he has a good life and as bright a future as possible. Unfortunately, right now there is nothing more we can do for Gavin because he has so many problems we have to wait until he cycles down and we can pick them apart and see what is what. The most painful part is now our lives have been reduced to "ensuring the health of the healthy". The various Doctors we see have all told us that the only thing we can do at this point and for the foreseeable future is to "Physically Survive". We can no longer pour everything into Gavin because we have other kids to worry about now.

The best way to explain it is like this: Think of all of us as bank accounts. Gavin's account is always in the negative no matter how much we deposit. Elliott has a growing balance and retains anything we can give him. Lizze and I have over the years "spent" or "deposited" all our money into Gavin's account. No matter how much we deposit into Gavin's account it will never have a positive balance (at least at this point). Over the many years we have been doing this we have been beaten down so many times that we have lost all our money. What very little we have left has to be divided up between everyone. However, there isn't enough to go around. So with what little we have left, we have to figure out how to "spend" it. As I stated earlier we have been advised by the doctors to "invest" the money into Elliott and the baby because they will benefit from our efforts. This again is because no matter what we do we cannot fix Gavin. If we continued to pour money into Gavins account then Elliott and the baby would be negatively effected and we cannot allow that.

I know this sounds bad and unless your in our shoes it might not make any sense. I know some of you out there know what we are talking about. All we can do for Gavin at this time is Love him, care for him, keep him from hurting himself or others and keep trudging along. However we are to the point where residential treatment is once again being kicked around. Our family is crumbling under the years of trauma, stress and pressure. Our health is going down the drain. Pattie said she cannot believe we have made it this far for this long. She said we "HAD" to get immediate relief or we would completely fall apart and whats left of our family could be lost. She said it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when".
We had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our life. We sent Gavin to stay with Lizze's parents. My parents picked him up from school and her mom took him after work and then to school in the morning. They have been doing this for 6 or 8 weeks now. This has helped Lizze get through the past 6 or 8 weeks of the pregnancy. Gavin is in a kind loving environment and was shielded from all the stress from the pregnancy and the court things... It was the lesser of 2 evils.However, not a day goes by that we don't feel like complete failures as parents. We are reassured by his therapist Pattie that we have done "absolutely everything we can" and now we have to survive. We are and have been for a while at the point where we are having to choose between our kids. Gavin does not tolerate Elliott very often anymore. Elliott has been hit, pushed, screamed at and kicked across the floor for simply touching Gavin. Elliott is paying a very high and we owe it to him to continue to protect him from that. We have to ensure that Elliott has a safe and loving home and the only way we can do that with Gavin there is to keep them seperated. That is very difficult and not always possible. Elliott still has his toddler bed in the corner of our room because it's not safe for him to be in his own room unless we lock Gavin in his at night.
School is out for the summer this Thursday and Gavin will be back home full time again and I don't know what we are going to do.

If all this wasn't enough all of this has taken its toll on our health. Lizze has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (due to the extreme amount of long term stress and trauma), ptsd, depression and a few other things. Her body has basically turned on itself. I am suffering from a career ending back injury,ptsd,depression and degenerative disc through out my spine. Lizze and I both live in constant physical pain every single day. It makes things so much more difficult to deal with. However we push through it and do what we need to do for our family...

Wow I got off track...
Sorry about all that the flood gates opened....

SOOOOOOOO, back to the point...

This blog is our ONLY outlet. Over the past few months we have had the honor of meeting some really kind people on our blog. It has been very therapeutic to be able to use this as a forum to vent our frustrations with the major setbacks and share our miracle moments also.. We spent years keeping this all to ourselves and "sugar coating" everything because we knew its was to overwhelming for people to hear about. Since then we have come to the realization that it doesn't help us much to hide all this. So now we use this as a (most of the time) journal of our daily trials. I am sorry if anyone felt like we had different motives (ie looking for free stuff or money or anything else like that). I want to make it clear this blog is here for us to tell our story and that's it...
We have been overwhelmed by all of your thoughts and prayers, and honestly, sometimes that's all that gets us though the day. Through this blog we have found that there are indeed kind, selfless, compassionate people still left in the world and they seem to have migrated here. We are asked many times by people how they can help. Honestly, we aren't looking for anything. Your thoughts and prayers are more then we could ever have asked for or even imagined. But to honestly answer those who are asking to do more, you can feel free to visit our card store. Lizze has opened a greeting card store in an attempt to help us finacially make ends meet. So if you need a card just check her store out or pass the link along. This store is hopefully going to help us to continue to survive. Again, PLEASE don't feel you have to do anything. All we humbly ask for is your continued thoughts and prayers.

My head hurts and I need to make dinner. I hope this made sense. It sounded right in my head but that doesn't mean anything anymore...

Thank You for your support.
Please know that we keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers each day.

What Tiny is up to this week: For all the weight and bulk you’re lugging around these days, you’d think your little champ should weigh much more than a mere 5 lbs and measly 17 inches in height, but nope, that’s about the average size for a baby in its thirty-third week. In terms of appearances, they’re getting cuter and pudgier every minute as they pile on the baby fat for those adorable little wrist rolls and chubby toes. And as we’re sure you’ve already noticed they’re getting stronger with every passing day. Nowadays, it’s possible to observe a well-placed kick just by watching your belly—but you already knew that didn’t you? Although they’re getting stronger, your bigger-by-the-day baby is losing space to move around, so the actual rate of movement will drop off in the last few weeks, despite that powerful drop-kick they’ve been working on. Hey, did you know you’ll continue feeling their movements even during labor?

As you can see from the sidebar, Tiny has gone back to Tiny because we can't decide on a name. Again. *sigh*

It's shaping up to be "one of those days".

I should have known when I woke up 5:30 - 6:00am with a charlie horse so bad that all I could do was cry, that it wasn't likely to be a good day. Poor Rob asking me which leg it was so that he could rub it but I couldn't even talk I was in so much pain. After that charlie horse went away, I had...I'm not sure what it was. It felt like a charlie horse only it was in my uterus not my legs. By the time I worked my way through all of those, it was time to get up and get Gavin ready for school.

That's when the fun really began! When we got up, Gavin was already awake and watching cartoons when I stumbled out of the bedroom at 7:30-ish. When Rob asked him to get dressed and put his socks on, Gavin lost it. He started screaming how we woke him up (we didn't), we were mean (we try not to be), he hated his life (we're doing our jobs as parents then). On and on he went. I can't wait for the last day of school tomorrow. Then he'll be home with us all day, every day. (Um...yay?)

86 down ~ 49 to go