Cheerio Confessions

Honey,

Look, I know things are bad.
The irony is I feel the exact same way. If I hadn't blown out my back I would have been hired full time at the fire department and that would have afforded us better insurance and financial stability and more money means we can deal with these things better.
I know most or all of our troubles are Gavin related (and I am having one of those moments right now because he wants his Lego's back) and out of our control but I feel like I should be able to do more.
Please don't apologize for things you aren't responsible for.. Gavin is the way he is, we KNOW that isn't your fault and it certainly isn't his fault. (He just came down again asking for his Lego's and it's only been about 3 minutes since the last time)
We will figure this out some how. I don't know what we will do or how we will survive but as long as we stay together and keep talking we will make it. I honestly don't think this "tunnel" has an end but we can try to make the best of it. If not for ourselves then for Elliott and Emmett.

I want you to know that you have already given me the world twice and below is the proof.

But please keep talking to me. I know it's not easy but really does make a difference and you are better at it then you think.
Now when get up may try to take a short nap :)

I love you honey. Thanks to telling me how you feel....

Well, here we are. Day 11 post partum. Just when I think my hormones are starting to even out, they take another hairpin turn. I'm thrown into another crying jag over a crazy look from Emmett. Or the most recent episode of "Army Wives".

Last night (Saturday night) was my first truly sleepless night. I mean those first few hours were sleepless but that's because I was riding an adrenaline rush. Emmett woke up at 3:00am hungry and fussy. I nursed him but he was still pretty fussy so we went downstairs. By the time he fell asleep, I couldn't. Then when I could, he was making funny noises that terrify me. So I gave up.

Tonight has been...you guessed it...anther sleepless night. Elliott Richard woke up at like 1:30am and no matter how exhausted he was refused/fought sleep. Finally at around 4am Rob took him downstairs so Emmett John and I could sleep. Yeah. I look like I'm sleeping, huh?

Bright side? Emmett John is sleeping at this very moment.

Not so bright side? He and I are co-sleeping. Something Dr. H is dead set against. Something Rob was okay with until Dr. H stated that it's taking a risk and made his case against it.

Problem? Emmett hates the bassinet. (I know. I know. Why would he want to sleep there when he could sleep next to me.) and I need to sleep. Plus, with me, Rob, Elliott Richard, *and* Emmett John all in the same bed room...well, it's far more difficult. If it were just the three of us with Elliott Richard in his room, we could let Emmett fuss a bit. But that wakes up Elliott Richard and we end up with disasters like tonight.

Oy.

Oh and just to clarify my last post to Rob. Nothing has happened. We are as good as can be expected. I just wanted him to know how I feel and I suck at saying it out loud. So I write it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything. Everything that I brought into this. Everything that I've done to make matters worse. Just...everything.

I'm sorry that I can't be more. I'm sorry that I can't find a way out of this. I'm sorry we're stuck. I'm so sorry.

I wish I had the words to say. The answer. The magic key or golden ticket to make it all better. I don't.

I'm sorry.

You deserve so much more than this. More than this drama. More than the stress and heartache. You deserve the world. I only wish I had it to give to you.

I love you. And I'm sorry.

We have been really struggling and Emmett has only been home a week. Gavin is exhausting and Elliott Richard has hit the terrible 2's. We have our hands full and haven't had time to update. I am so stressed out that I don't feel much of anything anymore. I have developed nervous ticks and they are driving me crazy....Lizze and I have been trying to figure out how we are going to survive but can't seem to find the time to talk much about it. Part of me thinks we are really just avoioding the subject because neither one of us likes the topic..... But I am going to try to sleep. We will try to post more ofter because it is an outlet for us...

Good Night

We have picture and I will try to post them in the morning....

Emmett John and I have been home for one week. We're doing pretty well so far. Emmett John had another appointment with Dr. H this morning.

Dr. D had said I couldn't drive for "two weeks or pain-free", whichever came first. I'm pain-free so I got to drive. Yay! So I was actually able to take him all by myself, which was kinda scary. I'm not going to lie. I mean today was the first time I've been behind the wheel of a car in nearly 6 months! Rob had me run to the store for milk and doughnuts this morning so I could get used to driving again. I was great getting doughnuts. Driving Emmett John to Dr. H's office, I was nervous.

The office building where Dr. H is located has a bunch of different offices in it. Like internal med, allergist, a lab etc. The pediatricians' offices were the only offices open today. Plus one phlebotomist. It was spooky parking in the nearly empty parking lot and walking in the darkened building. Yes, I was just a bundle of nerves today. (lol)

So today was just a jaundice follow-up. The nurse weighed him. Then Dr. H came in. We chatted. He checked out Emmett. Emmett's bell-ring thing for his circumcision fell off yesterday so I asked if everything looked okay with that. He said it looked really good. He said that it appears that he hasn't gained any weight but he hasn't lost, however, there's no way to know what happened between Monday and today. He very easily could have lost weight and put it back on between then and now. He wasn't thrilled with Emmett's coloring though so he asked if I was opposed to having another blood draw done. (Like I was going to say no?!) I said while I hate to see him hurt, I obviously want what's best for him. So the phlebotomist came up and did the blood draw. (She was much faster and better than the chick from Thursday. Thank God.) So he wants to see him again on Thursday for a weight and color check.

The Stats
Weight: 6lb 13oz (same as Monday's appointment)
Bili Level: 11.2 (down from 11.6 on Thursday)

So far Emmett John and I seem to be rebounding pretty quick. :)

Happy belated 4th of July!

Yesterday was Emmett John's first 4th of July. We spent most of the day at home. After a rather bumpy start.

I was sitting on the couch sorting and folding laundry. Gavin was sitting on the steps (not as a punishment - it just happened to be where he was sitting). Emmett John was chilling in his swing.

Gavin and I were discussing his fit the other day and how when he flails and flops around (think screaming fish out of water) he's dangerous to himself and others. He denied it. I tried to explain that when things happen and he's *that* upset, he isn't hurting people on purpose. He's just completely out-of-control and things happen when he's like that. He denied it some more. Then he lost it (surprise surprise).

Up to that point, he had been playing with one of Emmett John's mylar balloons. When he lost it, he jumped up and tried to throw the balloon using the string, which is completely ineffective (the balloon just goes all of three inches - if you're lucky). That just served to tick him off more. Cue the flailing to begin. Unfortunately, his attempt to throw the balloon had brought him very close to Emmett John in the swing. When the flailing began he nearly took out the swing and Emmett. Not cool. And very unacceptable.

In that moment, my "momma bear" instincts kicked in. I jumped up to protect Emmett John and sent Gavin to throw his fit in his room all in one movement.

I don't believe that Gavin would ever intentionally hurt his brothers. At least that's what I would like to believe. I think if ayone was ever seriously hurt by Gavin it would be more of an "Of Mice and Men" type of moment. Gavin wouldn't realize his own strength and bad things would happen as a result.

I don't think he was going after Emmett John. I think it was more Emmett John was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not to absolve Gavin of his responsibility for the incident but I'm trying to put it into perspective.

After he calmed down things were pretty quiet. Granted he was only home until like 11:00am because that's when my Mom came and picked him up. But still at least we didn't have any "fall-out" fits during that time.

Gavin spent the day with my parents at the 4th of July picnic/family reunion on my Dad's side of the family. Mom said he had a few rough spots but overall he had a pretty good day. Then he got to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa W's house.

Rob, Elliott Richard, Emmett John and I hung out at home until Papa G came and picked up Elliott Richard and took him to their house. Then Rob and I got ready. Packed up Emmett John and headed over to Grandma and Papa G's house for a cook-out.

Everyone had a good time. Even Emmett John who slept through the whole day; which is a feat in and of itself with 3 barking dogs, 2 teenagers, 7 adults, 1 toddler and a Wii. (lol)

Overall, it was a pretty good day.

Yesterday marked Emmett John's One Week Birthday.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Emmett John and I started it off by riding with Grandma G to Dr. H's office (Emmett John & Elliott Richard's pediatrician) for his follow-up bilirubin blood work.

(On Monday, his levels were down to 15 from 15.4. On Tuesday, his levels had dropped below 13 (we don't know the exact number) and we were given permission to stop using the Wallaby blanket at 12noon on Wednesday and told to have a repeat draw done by 12noon on Thursday to make sure his levels weren't rebounding.)

The lab was packed. Then the first phlebotomist screwed up. She almost had enough blood (It's insane how much they need!) and then she spilt half of it on the table! I was ticked off! She took what she was able to get to see if it was enough. Trying to avoid having to repeat it. No such luck.

Her boss came in to redo it. When she saw the table she said that she could see it was clear that she had "lost too much of the sample". So another heel stick. More sobbing (both me and Emmett John). Luckily, she was able to get it pretty quick.

On the bright side, Dr. H's office called a few hours later with the fantastic news that his levels had continued to drop! They were now around 11! No rebound. No more Wallaby blanket! :)

Other than that, the one week milestone was pretty quiet.

He tried his swing out for the first time. And absolutely loves it! He continues to get better and better at nursing. The horrible diaper rash he developed when he began to get over the jaundice (and began pooping every 20 minutes) has finally started to get better.

I've been noticing more little things that I love about Emmett John. I love how his hair at the nape of his neck feels softer than the hair on top of his head. I love how when he tries to focus his eyes, his eyebrows knit together. I love how when we snuggle, he reaches out with each hand and grasps fist-fulls of my shirt like a little spider monkey. I love how he can't get his fist to his mouth but when the phlebotomist had a hold of his heel/foot, he was able to kick her with surprising accuracy. (lol) And I love how as a mother I really do seem too have no boundaries on my love and everyday I love him a little bit more than the day before without loving anyone else any less.

I'm still completely amazed that my body created this tiny, perfect person.

Happy One Week Birthday, Emmett John!

I just wanted all of my friends (real-life and blogger alike) to know that while I cannot comment on your blogs/posts from my phone. I am reading. I have a nifty little program Rob found called Viigo that allows me to keep up with your blogs but not comment. I haven't stopped reading. ;)

I just read Lizze's post and think I should clarify what she meant and build on it. I believe what she meant was that even our parents are beginning to feel the overwhelming exhaustion that is Gavin anymore.

We realize that this is our responsiblility. It wasn't until recently that we even let people in enough to see just how bad things are because we believe so strongly that this is our responsibility and we knew just how overwhelming/unbelievable it was to hear about. What's frustrating for me and I am sure Lizze also is that the only one's willing to help are the one's that don't have to (ie my family and Lizze's parents) and the one's that are obligated to take responsibility don't and actually try to make things worse for us and Gavin out of spite (ie Gavin's "father").

More recently we are feeling like it is unfair of us to "share" this "burden" (we love Gavin but burden is pretty accurate) on anyone else. I believe that is what she meant because we were discussing this last night. Please know we are extremely grateful for all the help we get, it's just getting harder to accept because we know what we are asking of people when they take him for even a little while. The guilt we feel for having to send him is immeasurable. We are wrestling with some VERY difficult decisions right now. We are just cannot win no matter what we do. Someone will always pay a price. Right now we have to ensure that it isn't Elliott and Emmett.

As I am writing this I had Gavin come down and ask for his Lego's back. They were taken away a day or two ago because of a massive melt down. He was trying to kick Lizze (he denies that's what he was doing but I just think he was so angry he doesn't remember) all because a few pieces of his Lego ship fell off. When I got home and checked on him he had completely destroyed his Lego's and cut the palms of his hands smashing his Lego's as hard as he could.

Anyways he came down a minute ago and asked for them again. I told him no and reminded him that the more he asks the longer he will wait. He then made some smart remark to me and I responded by reminding him why his Lego's were gone and he should consider himself lucky that he has a chance to get them back at all. Of course that didn't go over well and he completely lost it and I sent him to his room but on his way Elliott comes up to him and tries to tell Gavin "don't worry, it's okay, don't be sad" then attempts to give Gavin a kiss to make it better and Gavin screamed at him. Then Gavin went upstairs to finish his meltdown. He apparently heard Elliott say his name from the living room so Gavin started screaming at Elliott to leave him alone. This is happening more and more often.

We need help and no one knows what to do. He has the best doctors but everyone is at a loss. Don't get me wrong, we love his doctors and are very grateful for all they continue to do for him but they are supposed to know what to do and they don't. So we are left to our own devices. We are told we are doing everything right but it doesn't feel like it because nothing is getting better.

Oddly enough the only comfort we get is that everyone else is seeing the same things we are. I know it sounds crazy but it was comforting when Lizze's mom had to bring him home because he was so out of control. I say this because it shows me that it isn't just us. Which then means maybe this isn't our fault after all.
So I ask anyone who helps us with Gavin to always be honest with us about what went on. We need to know this stuff for many reasons but right now the comfort of knowing it isn't just us.....

Apparently everyone is worried about me having baby blues and/or post-partum depression. While I appreciate the concern, until yesterday I was doing really well. At least mentally and emotionally, physically I look like crap and still feel *really* sore. My body is currently declaring mutiny against me for having put it through that Hell again. (lol) My mom tells me this normal and in a few days I should begin to physically rebound. We'll see. ;) As for emotionally and mentally, I'll be fine. Really. Baby blues are perfectly normal and they don't qualify as post-partum depression until I've had them for 2-3 weeks. So let's just give me a chance to recover first before we start worrying about what might happen.

Yesterday was an...interesting if not completely hellish day. It started off innocently enough. Although I am quickly learning how difficult it is going to be taking care of the boys needs while caring for Emmett John and protecting him and Elliott Richard from Gavin.

Emmett John needed to be taken to the pediatrician's office for another heel stick. Rob was too exhausted to drive so we tried to find someone to take Emmett John and I. No luck. In the end Rob had to take him because it had to be done. He didn't like it. I didn't like it. But what other options did we have?

They left. I sobbed. Elliott Richard told me, "Don't worry. It'll be okay." Then I washed Emmett John's clothes, which we are flying through because we only have so many newborn sized outfits. (Even the newborn size is too big. But 0-3 months is insane.) I even managed to get Emmett John's binkies boiled. While that's not a lot at least it's something.

Shortly after I completed my two whole chores Gavin threw a fit of colossal proportions. It started with screaming that I thought meant he was severely injured. Nope. He was angry. I was now injured from running up the stairs two-at-a-time (apparently a no-no at 5 days post-partum). There was screaming, kicking, flailing, wall-bouncing. Fun was had by all.

Rob and Emmett John got home about half way through the fit. They found me sobbing in the "man cave". I took Emmett John. Rob went to try and get through to Gavin. He came down like a half-hour later. I was no longer sobbing but still crying. (I cried off and on for the rest of the day.) At that point Rob called and made arrangements for Grandma W to watch Gavin and Grandma G to watch Elliott Richard while Rob, Emmett John and I met with Pattie.

We met with her. I cried some more. I spilled my guts on all things Gavin. She said that she's never seen parents do more for a child. That we have jumped through every hoop and something should have worked by now. Nothing has. No one knows what we can or should do. Before we left, my mom called saying Gavin would spend the night and she would drop him off on the way to work in the morning.

After the appointment, Emmett John was *starving* so we stopped by Grandma and Grandpa G's so I could nurse. While we were there my mom called. She needed to bring Gavin home because he kept having massive meltdowns over not being allowed on the internet. They couldn't get him to stop. For the time being, we've lost our biggest source of help with him. I'm not angry or upset with my parents. They gave their all. Unfortunately, "their all" isn't enough from anyone for Gavin.

So that was my Tuesday.

I'm so stressed. I'm grateful for everything God has granted us lately. (Emmett John's complication free labor & delivery. His health and avoidance of the NICU. Etc) At the same time, there's so much more we need help with. I feel guilty asking God for more. As if to ask for more would be selfish and greedy.

(I remember what I wanted to blog about.) These are thoughts I want to be sure to get down for Emmett John and whomever else would care to read them.

Since 12:30am Thursday, June 26, 2008 I have learned...
* that Emmett John's arms fall to his sides when he is awake and pooping or passing gas. Then he pulls up his legs and does his business. When he's finished he gets this look on his face that says, "Holy hey! Did you *hear* that?!"
* that while I love my sleep, I love sitting up with Emmett John more.
* even after two sons, which amounts to more shots and fingersticks than I can count or remember, I still sob everytime Emmett John has his bili-level heel sticks.
* that my favorite time of day with Emmett John are his 3 and 6am feedings because I have him all to myself.
* after changing diapers for nearly 6 years, I'm still clumsy, uncoordinated, and slow-as-molasses when it comes to changing Emmett's diaper. (which has gotten me peed on quite a few times already - lol)
* I had Gavin and became convinced that I could not love anyone as I love him. I was wrong. Then I had Elliott Richard and became convinced I culd love anyone as I love them. Then I had Emmett John and I learned that everything I've ever "known" about love was wrong.
* no sunrise is as beautiful as the two I watched at the window of my hospital room with Emmett John.
* everything I've learened to this point as a mother, will only serve to further educate me and remind me of how little I actually know.

It's currently 11:33pm. Rob is snuggling with Emmett John. Elliott Richard is asleep in bed. Gavin is also asleep, finally. I have no idea how long I have before Emmett John decides he's starving. (lol) Ah, the joys of exclusively breastfeeding. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to attempt to keep this update short and sweet, since I don't know how long I have to write/post it.

Emmett John saw Dr. H, his pediatrician, for the first time today. He's been on the walaby blanket for about 18 hours, give or take. At his appointment this afternoon his bili level was 15, which is down a whole whopping .4 from Sunday. *sigh* Rob and I were really hoping for a greater improvement than .4 but honestly, we'll take whatever improvement we can get at this point. He goes back tomorrow for another bili level, which while necessary I hate it. Poor baby is running out of real estate on his heels!!!!

Other than that he's absolutely perfect. Since we've started the walaby blanket his nursing is back up to snuff. For a while there, he was nursing but not very effectively and that's painful for mommy!!! Now he's back and nursing like a champ. (Thank God for small favors!)


I'm sorry if I worried any of you with my "I'm only human" blog from a few days ago. I just needed to vent. Rob says it was all about him but in all honesty it wasn't. It was about him and about a zillion other things/people. I'm just dealing with raging hormones and a little bit of baby blues. I'm keeping a close eye on it. So is Rob. But I thank you all for your support and love. It helps, truly it does.

My cousin Sam came over and visited with me today. Which is to say that she came over to see Emmett John and was kind enough to listen to me ramble for like an hour. (Thanks Sam!)

There was so much I wanted to put in this post but my "Mommy Timer" is telling me that Emmett John is going to be calling for me in a few. (Nursing mommies will understand that comment. lol) So it will all have to wait. Not that I remember what most of it was...but that's beside the point.

Emmett has run into some problems and is becoming very jaundice. We have to wrap him up in a UV blanket 24 hrs a day. He is getting blood drawls everyday and is being very closly monitored at home. Other then that he is VERY small but in really good shape. Lizze is struggling a little bit right now but said she is going to post some time today. We have pictures of Emmett glowing blue. We will keep you posted....

I am only human.

I bleed just like everyone else. I hurt. I get completely over-whelmed. I'm 2 days post-partum with everything that comes with that...raging hormones, pain, sore breasts, raging hormones, crying, sobbing...did I mention raging hormones?

I realized something today. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How I'm a "statistical anomaly". It dawned on me today that while people may say that out of one side of their mouths...they are dumping their issues on me out the other side. It feels like they really say it because it makes them feel better about dumping their issues on me. If they see me as this strong, wonderful, rock of a woman or even if they just *say* that's what they see...they don't feel the guilt. I get these lovely back-handed compliments and they get to unload.

Maybe it's my fault. I should just start unloading. I should bare the deepest pieces of my soul to stop them from dumping theirs on me?

No one knows how terrified I am. How when I move while holding Emmett I have flashes of him tumbling from my arms. How I laid in bed and shook after his birth because I couldn't bear the thought of him going to the NICU. No one knows how he has quirky preemie things he does that terrify me. So I have sat in bed for three days and held him and watched him. When I would put him in the bassinet and he would make funny/new baby noises, I sat bolt upright and watched his every move. I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep total since Wednesday night. I have had conversations that I'll never remember. I've been "on" for everyone. I've shouldered everything and just kept on going.

Lucky me.

Elliott met Emmett for the very first time today. This is a small clip of how it went. Nothing was done to the video because I am to tired and I have both Elliott and Gavin at home now. I just wanted to show how it went. Gavin does not appear on tape. This is for a couple reasons...

1) Gavin doesn't always like being taped.
2) With all the legal "Crap" we are very careful with Gavin.
Once this is all over with (hopefully very soon) then we can just do what we want. But until then we have to be careful what we do. If you are new here and wondering what I am referring to skim through some of the older posts and you'll understand.. Those of you that know us know what we are referring to... Gavin was completely indifferent to Emmett today when they met for the first time. We kinda expected as much. But we know Gavin loves Emmett in his own way and that's good enough for us.

Until later.... Thanks You

Emmett John was born at exactly 12:30am this morning after about 10 hours of "Official" labor. Lizze pushed 12 times. Emmett was born and given right to the NICU staff for once over.. I am so pleased to announce that he is perfect. No problems at all. We were terrified as the time grew closer because of what happened with Elliott Richard.

Lizze did an amazing job and I am so grateful for all her hard work and personal sacrifice in order to bring him into this world. She is absolutely amazing and I am so proud of her. The hospital staff are second to none. I will post more later.

Thank you for yours thoughts and prayers though out this process. While we will still need your continued prayers because of the turmoil our lives are in we made it over a huge hurdle. Thank you so much for thoughts and prayers....

Love,

Rob

Well, doctor just checked me again. I'm now 5-6cm dilated. 90% effaced. Still -2 station. She placed an internal monitor........

Having baby now

Just got checked again. I'm a whopping 5cm and 80% effaced. -2 station. We want 10cm 100% and +2 station. I'm having some major itching as a natural side effect of the epidural. They've increased my pit quite a few times and my epidural once. I predicted he would be here between 9 and 12. I was wrong.

I'm off to try and sleep for a bit.

No NICU.
No NICU.
No NICU.

Doctor (not Dr. D) just came in and checked me. I'm still dilated 4cm but now I'm 80% effaced. So we are making some progress. She said she isn't worried b/c this is my pattern...stall then jump to 10cm. Other than that, nothing much has changed. Tiny is tolerating labor really well. And the general concensus is that he should be fine and we should be able to avoid the NICU.

That's my prayer request: no NICU.

I'll update or have Rob update as needed. Although *the* update make take a while. ;) lol

Epidural in.
Dilated to 4cm.
Water completely broken now.
That's about it for now.