Cheerio Confessions

Ah the joys of the NICU. I left off with the breastpump, the liquid gold lifeline to Elliott Richard and my complete and utter lack of control. I was devasted. Plain and simple.

I had worked so hard and for so long to ensure that this very thing did not happen and look where he ended up?! In the stupid, flippin' NICU. It was unbelievable and completely inexcusable in my book. I truly didn't know what to do.

Once Elliott was in the NICU it became more and more apparent just how bad things really were. He had a pneumothorax (collapsed lung) on the left side from trying to breathe but not being able to. No sooner did they get his left side diagnosed and his ride side collapsed. He had IV's going every which way. As soon as they had one placed - in his foot or a hand or his head (it took ages for the bald spots to grow back) it would blow and they would have to place another one. He had heart monitors. Feeding tubes because they weren't feeding him orally yet. Then he was on a CPAP. Then a nasal canula. Then when they figured out he had two collapsed lungs and pneumonia; they intubated and sedated him.

For the first 4 or 5 days we couldn't even touch him. I would pump religiously every 2-3 hours; to the point where they had too much milk for him. Then I would walk it down to the NICU no matter what time of day it was. I would hand it to his nurse at the time. Then I would sit.

I would watch him monitors and learn the beeps, which ones were okay. Which ones were cause for concern. Which ones brought everyone running. I would sit. I would listen. I would watch him sleep. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't touch him. I couldn't do a single thing my instincts were screaming at me to do. And there were moments when I thought it would kill me.

They kept me in the hospital as long as possible. They were even able to move me to a larger room and get a second bed so that Rob could stay at the hospital with me. We had a huge black lab, Hermione, at the time and Rob would let her out at night. Sleep at the hospital and go to the NICU in the middle of the night with me. The get up and go home to take care of her first thing in the morning before coming back to be with Elliott Richard and I at the hospital again.

Gavin was staying with my parents. My mom would take him to school in the morning. Rob would pick him up from school in the afternoon and hang out with him until my mom got off work. Then she would meet him for the exchange and he would head right back to my side at the hospital.

Once I was discharged from the hospital they gave me a room for free to stay in while Elliott Richard was still in the NICU. At first, it was in the Post Partum Ward so it was right down the hall from the NICU. Then they moved me to the Peds Unit, which was on another floor and through what felt like a maze of hallways to reach. I hated that room. It hurt to walk to. It took forever. And the Peds Unit is a petri-dish of illness! Why would you put the mother of a preemie there?!?!?!? I was infuriated!

Over time, I felt this horrible weight. This guilt because I would talk to the other mothers. I would watch them celebrate as their babies made it to 3lb or 4lb or 5lb. Here I sat with my 7lb monster baby. In the end though, we really weren't all that different. None of us wanted to be there. We all wanted the same ending; to leave with our happy, healthy babies safely sleeping in our arms.

The days wore on. I know there was a point when Rob and I were cleared to enter the NICU and we walked back to find they performing a medical procedure on Elliott Richard. I was mortified.

At one point the doctors and nurses were explaining to us how serious things were. They couldn't get him breathing on his own. They couldn't seem to wean him off the vent. They didn't know what was wrong, exactly. They were trying everything but were running out of ideas and if they didn't come up with something soon they were going to ask our permission to send him to top notch Children's Hospital 2 hours away.

During this time we were also offered the "support of clergy", which in hindsight I understand. At the time though, it felt to me that they were giving up. It felt like everyone was saying, "Well, you better call a priest and have him baptized because he isn't going to make it out of here." That felt like giving up to me. I refused, rather rudely if I remember correctly. How dare they give up on my baby!

I remember Rob and I asking why they hadn't given him surfactant if it would help him to breathe on his own without the ventilator. They said it was too late, he was too old, it wouldn't help. Finally, after days of on again, off again with the ventilator they decided to give the surfactant a try. He was still intubated but they were working towards weaning him off it.

After the move to the Peds Unit room, Rob "made" me go home. I say "made" because I didn't want to go. I would have slept in a chair next to Elliott Richard's isolet if they would have let me. I was terrified to leave. Terrified they would call and tell us to hurry back and we would be too late. Terrified they would call and say we were already too late. Simply terrified to be here while he was there. I hated it. I hated Rob for a while too. Not a rational response, true. But allow me to remind you that I was 1-10 days post-partum during this time. Rational responses don't usually happen a whole lot during that time anyway.

That's when Elliott took matters into his own hands.

I was visiting him and stroking his hand because he was sedated while he was intubated so this was permitted. His nurse stopped by his isolet and said that she was on her way to grab his next dose of sedation because he was due for it. I just nodded and kept on watching him. Well, he woke up - wide awake - and extubated himself. Even though he was restrained, he just reached up and *pop* it was out and he was breathing on his own. I was dumbfounded and just sort of stood there with my mouth open attracting flies. ;) When the nurse came back I told her what he had done and she mirrored my expression and said, "Oh my." After she spoke with the Neonatologist, he said that they could leave him extubated and see how he did. He was never intubated again after that.

From that point on, things went that way for Elliott. He decided he was done with his IV and *pop*. This was not long after he extubated himself so went with the same idea of "Let's see how he does. Maybe he knows more about how he's doing than we do." Then went the feeding tube.

It was towards the end of his stay. All he really had left to do was gain weight and learn to nurse or take so many oz per feeding. Well since I wanted to nurse exclusively that made it kind of hard to do the whole "take so many oz per feeding". Rob wanted me to give him bottles of pumped milk just so we could get him out of the hospital sooner, which I understand now. But then it just pissed me off. If I was going to nurse exclusively once we got home didn't it make more sense to make sure he was going to get the hang of it now while we are at the hospital and are going to be aware if his weight drops or something?! I didn't want him to stay in the hospital but at the same time I didn't want to give him bottles to get him home to start nurse exclusively and have everything come undone. It was the topic of a great many debates and battles between Rob and I during those last few days. In the end, he was nursing well. He didn't want the bottle once he figured out the nursing. And he was gaining small amounts of weight so they let us go home anyway. :)

All told Elliott Richard spent 10 days in the NICU. Those were some of the longest 10 days of my life.

Everyday in the Cheerio household brings about a new sort of "normal". I use that term loosely of course. Our lives are in a constant state of flux. Mostly because of Gavin, not that I'm saying everything is his fault because it isn't. It's just that a majority of the time our lives revolve around Gavin and his needs. Some days the flux is caused because of me and my needs. However, mostly, our lives revolve around Gavin. His moods. His needs. His whims. His fits of anger. His fits, period. His appointments. Him, in general.

I feel like as soon as we get one thing under control here. One thing stablized. Everything else hits a huge wave and smashes into a million pieces. Then we are left clinging to that one thing we managed to stablize while we scramble to gather the other million pieces and try to put them back together. Only it feels as if we are trying to put them back together, in the dark, without glue, without directions and honestly, without any real idea of what they were in the first place. All the while that one stablized thing, whatever it was, is slipping away so slowly that we don't notice until it's gone.

Writer's Block? Writer's Coma? Going CRAZY!

or

Heard my inspiration! Then lost it!

I'm still trying to write about 5 other posts at the moment about various topics ranging from myself to Gavin to other things I can't remember at the moment. However, I've been side-tracked and it's frustrating me! There is a blog I frequent that I simply adore. Sarah at To define is to limit (a title which I also adore) has a graphic on her blog, which she gave me permission to borrow a while ago I just haven't gotten around to swiping it yet. This is what it looks like:

In case you are unable to read it, it says:

"I write for the same reason I breathe...because if I didn't, I would die."

Now I know this may not make complete sense to some of you. To others you are likely shaking your heads, saying, "Yeah, that about sums her up." Trust me what I tell you, this is me. I love to write. I live to write. Writing is who I am. Or at least it was, before I had three children.

Now writing is a dormant part of my soul. Every so often, it twitches. Like a heart that is attempting to regain it's rhythm. Sometimes I get this nagging, in the farthest recesses of my mind and imagination. Begging me to let it out, to write it and set it free.

This isn't a spontaneous occurance. It doesn't just happen. At least, not to me, anyway. It takes a spark. Something to awaken it from it's long dormant state. To nudge it and jolt it out of the coma I forced it into 9+ years ago. For whatever reason, Twilight appears to have been that.

I felt the twitch. Although I can't quite remember when. I think it was somewhere between Books 3 and 4 but I can't be sure. The twitch came. The nagging followed. Now I'm scrambling.

I'm dying to write. I literally feel as if my soul is shriveling up from within. But theywon'thelpme! The twitch. The nagging. Aren'thelpingme! I don't know where to start. I don't know what to write. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but my grammar SUCKS! Which is funny and ironic because grammar is a huge pet peeve of mine, but again I digress.

So here I sit. Frustrated to the point of wanting to scream and pull my hair out by the roots. None of my friends or family are really writers, so no help there. I'm trying music. Nothing.

I.

Am.

Frustrated.

So if I'm not around for a while. If I'm not here. I'm not blogging. I'm not commenting. This is why. I've been trying to ease my frustration with blogging and it's not working. So now, I'm off to find something else.

Plus, I just needed to vent. ARGH!

(***Update*** And now I've swiped the image and it's posted to the blog. Both in this post and above my picture to the right. You were worried. I know. Rest peacefully now. ;) lol)

Since I finished the Twilight Series I have been blog surfing something fierce, which is not a good thing. Except for the fact that my fibromyalgia is so bad at the moment that I'm basically on bed rest again so I have plenty of time to read blogs. But I digress. (You're shocked, I know. lol) As I've been blog surfing today I found what is apparently a rather popular blog entitled, Jenna's Journey Blog. Every Wednesday, as her infant son Brayden allows, she does a meme that she calls "I Don't Wednesday". It's kind of like MckMama's "Not Me Monday" only you list the things that you don't do rather than the things you did but wish you hadn't. Since I'm in such a blogging mood lately but I'm struggling with the blogs I really want to write, I figured, "Hey, it's Wednesday. It's my blog. So, why not." :)

And away we go! :)

I don't... fold, sort and put my laundry away as soon as I take it out of the dryer. (Rob wishes I would though. lol)

I don't... wear dresses or skirts. (Again, Rob wishes I would though.)

I don't... drink milk. (Ick.)

I don't... tolerate ignorance well. (Or much at all, if we're being completely honest about it.)

I don't... want to hear anymore about Obama, his "health plan", the people it will "help" (never mind those it's screwing), his popularity rating, his Presidency thus far or any combination thereof. (I'm Obama'ed OUT! Seriously. No more! UNCLE!)

Granted, it's only 6:48am but I've managed to stay awake with Elliott Richard since 3:30 this morning.

Hey, it's my Tuesday Toot! and in my book that counts! (lol)

Like most households in America we have an entertainment center/TV stand. Also like a lot of households in America we have an infant/to-be-toddler. So while our entertainment center/TV stand is sturdy enough to hold the television is wasn't built to withstand the force of "The Tank". Now our television is on a dinning room table in an attempt to protect Mr. Emmett John during his adventures. So I suppose it was only a matter of time before our makeshift TV stand became Emmett John's Hide-Away. (lol)

"Look calm, cool and collected. Remain cool while you check out the new "digs". Do not act interested. But let's face it, beggers can't be choosers here. In a 3 bedroom house with 2 adults, 3 kids, 1 medium-large dog and 1 cat "private quiet space" is a luxury few of us find anymore."

"Be sure to stash some snacks. (We won't ask where or how.) All the great Hide-Aways have snacks!"

" Abort! Abort! Abort!

I finally finished that post I've been working on for 5 days now so I figured I would started catching up with some pictures. :) Enjoy! :)

So Rob, Trisha and I were hanging out tonight just watching television and doing a whole lot of nothing special. When Trisha starts to laugh. Rob and I look up to find this:




Okay so this picture is kind of blurry but Emmett John moves quick! (lol) He worked his way around the living room. Gathering the toys he wanted. Leaving those he didn't want behind. One-by-one he would crawl over to it. Pick it up. Crawl back to the swing. Place it in the seat. And then go back for the next treasure. Over and over until all of the treasures he wanted were in his seat.

Elliott Richard: Pass it on, Mommy! Pass it on!

Translation: Skip the commercials, Mommy! Skip the commercials!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Elliott Richard: Mommy, my blankets are wiggly.

Translation: Mommy, my blankets are bunched up.

I have been working on a blog for the last week or so. It is sort of out-dated now, however, I will still post it because I still want to remember the info later. There are many things I want to share but my fibromyalgia has been flaring up. So in an effort to lose myself and escape the pain, I've been lost in the Stephenie Meyer Twilight Series. I must admit that while I am a die hard Potterite, I was never so engrossed in that series as I find myself engrossed in this one. It has been heavenly to have some place to...escape to and "get away" from the pain for a little while. Now I have finished the four books in that she has released in the series so far (There is some speculations and drama surrounding the fifth book, Midnight Sun, which you can read more about on her website.) and I feel lost. The bad news is that I feel like I don't have a getaway from my pain any longer. The good news is that I can finish the post I started a week or so ago and post about the other things that have been bouncing around in my head. I can also post a ton of pictures and videos I've pulled off my cell phone, including but not limited to Mr. Emmett John's First Birthday! :)

And so, I apologize, yet again, for my absence. I was lost in the land of Forks, WA and Bella, Edward, Jacob, Alice and the rest of the Cullens et al. But I am back now....until I find another book to grab my interest and distract my mind. ;)

Check it out! It's a Major Award! And I got one! Yippee! Farrah over at Wife and Mom of 3 was kind enough to bestow it upon me. Now I am going to bestow it upon 5 of my nearest and dearest...in now particular order...

El at Profoundly Seth

Carla at Masto Mama

Trisha at Minivan Mayhem-The Postlewait Papers

Merrilee at Liars and Frogs

and

Katrina at My Life as a Married Girl

Enjoy ladies! :)

(You're supposed to sing the title to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas".)

3 Sick Boys

Yes, you read that correctly all three of my boys are sick, again. Isn't that always how it seems to go in the Cheerio household though? I'm not sure if it's better this way or not. I guess it is. I know it would definitely be much easier without the #1 down there. But I digress.

Elliott Richard

Elliott Richard was first. For all the "gory details" see this post here. He will finish up his antibiotics tomorrow. Yippee! Because even though he's on the "bubble gum" meds that most kids love he's 3 and a terrorist and therefore he enjoys being difficult.

Things were just starting to return to "normal" (not a term that usually applies to our household). Meaning that Elliott Richard was sleeping in his bed rather than on the couch in the living room with Daddy. He was sleeping through the night again. Wasn't super whiney or clingy. He was himself again. He seems to be doing much better. Although he's developing a cough, but I'll get to that in a moment.

So things were starting to look up...and then...

Emmett John

Emmett John, never one to be out-done in anything, was next. Friday afternoon he spiked a fever. By Friday night, his fever was 102.8. By Saturday morning it was 103.2 so off to see Dr. Beth we went. No ear infection or strep. It was just a virus. She said to let it run it's coarse and by Monday the fever should be gone. If Monday morning the fever was still there or his cold symptom had returned, I was to bring him back in.

So we suffered the weekend. No one slept. Emmett John screamed a lot. I considered clawing my eyes out and super-gluing my ears shut. But decided against it in the end. We all survived (I use that term loosely).

Monday morning, always the over-achiever, Emmett John still had his fever and his cold symptoms had returned with avengance so off we went to see Dr. M. But really, let's be honest here, what's a week in the Cheerio household without a visit (or two or three - keep reading) to the pediatricians' office? He checked out our young bebe and thought for sure he had strep throat so he did the swabs - rapid and 48hr. Both ended up coming back negative.

So now he's just a super-clingy grump. He doesn't really want to eat. But he downs water and juice like they are going out of style. He's exhausted but won't sleep. Wants to snuggle but doesn't want held. My fellow mommies out there know this drill well. *sigh*

Gavin

Then of course, Gavin had to jump on the bandwagon. Although truthfully, it's not like he had much of a choice, with two sick little brothers the odds were stacked against him in a major way. So a week or so ago Gavin developed a cough. As the week went on the cough got worse. The problem that Patty brought to our attention at our appointment on Tuesday was timing. The cough started about the same time that Dr. R increased Gavin's dose of Zyprexa. Patty was worried that the Zyprexa was possibly that Gavin is over-medicated and it's causing decreased respiratory function. Of course, I mean what else would you expect from a Cheerio Child?!

So I called and made an appointment with Dr. M. The appointment was actually going to work three ways. Here's what they are and why:

a.) If Gavin is over-medicated, the dose will be changed.

b.) If Gavin is sick, hopefully it's something that will be fixed with anti-biotics.

c.) Everytime Gavin gets a tickle in his throat he proclaims that he has asthma, which he does not.

So I was hoping to find answers to all three of those when we met with Dr. M. Although truth be told, Dr. H has already told Gavin on numerous occasions that he does not have asthma. Heck, even his original pediatrician Dr. Mike told him he didn't have asthma. But he's still convinced that he does.

So we went. We saw. We talked. Some of us more than others. Dr. M asked Gavin a bunch of questions to rule out asthma, which he was able to do, again. Then as Dr. M and I were talking about the cough - when it came on, the meds he's taking etc - Gavin kept jumping in with random Aspie statements. "I like pancakes." Things that given the given the context of the conversation really didn't make much sense. Gotta love those Aspies. :)

Dr. M checked him out and let us know that:

a.) He is not over-medicated. Huge relief there.

b.) He is sick.

c.) He also does not have asthma, although I don't know that this will put an end to the debate.

Apparently, Gavin has some funky form of bronchitis. The normal anti-biotics won't work on it because of the cell walls or something. And the anti-biotic they would normally prescribe is Zythromax or something in that family but Gavin is allergic to those. Even if he weren't he can't take them because they increase the levels of the Zyprexa in his blood stream. So he's on an anti-biotic I've never heard of before, which after three boys (especially Emmett John) I didn't think that was possible. lol And I have to take him back on Monday so that Dr. M can listen to his lungs and make sure that he's improving etc.

Back to Emmett John

Now we get to go back to the pediatrician today. In the last 24hrs Emmett John has developed a rash that started on his back so I thought it was heat rash. Then it began to creep. It creeped to his sides, stomach and now it's creeping down both arms and legs. So I called and talked to Paula, one of the lovely nurses, and she talked to Dr. M. He said that he felt Emmett John should be seen because of Gavin and Elliott Richard both being sick. So at 4:15pm we will be back at the pediatrician's office. This time we get to see Dr. H though. Yippee! So we'll see what that brings us. Oy vay.

2 Ped Appointments

Yeah, it was 2 ped appts if you only counted Emmett John with Dr. M on Monday and Gavin with Dr. M yesterday. However, if you count Emmett John with Dr. Beth on Saturday and now Emmett John today. The grand total is now 4 ped appts but that doesn't work with my title at all. ;) lol

1 Fibromyalgia Flare

Yeah, that would be me. Of course, who else would it be. I love living in Ohio. Really, I do. Lately though, this weather, it's killing me. The ups and the downs - the weather is just crazy and it's downright killing me. I've been flaring off and on for nearly 2 weeks now. But that's another post entirely, believe me.

A Baby on the Way

Okay, so he's not so much "on the way" anymore because I started this post 5 days ago and let's face it, that's kind of a long time for active labor! (Ouch!) On Thursday, August 6th my cousin Sam went into labor with her second child, first boy. If you would like to see his stats and a picture of him head on over to her blog. Try and prepare yourself though ~ seriously.

Welcome to the World and to the Family, Mr. Evander Benjamin!

Some of you may remember me posting here about Mr. Emmett John and his ear infection that would not die and the very real possibility of him having to get tubes. Well, Trish and I took him to see his ENT Dr. KR this morning. He's been a real crank butt lately so I was afraid the nasty infection has returned.

WRONG! :)

Dr. KR said that his ear are clear and perfect! He went on to say that most kids get their ear infections in the winter and the fact that Emmett John has had this many nasty ones in the summer could indicate that winter is going to be particularly nasty for him. But "he's not God, that's just his educated opinion". Those are his exact words. lol

He said that the next time Emmett John gets an ear infection to have Dr. H call him and he'll arrange for the tubes. Or we can call him and say "That's it! We're done! Put the tubes in because we can't take it anymore!" lol Either way, he'll set it up and get it done. So for now, we wait and see.

Then, not one to be out-done, Elliott Richard has been feeling under the weather for the past few days. I've been trying desperately to get ahead of it by drying him up with Benedyl at night. I lost. Yesterday, he woke up and started coughing and hacking. Then last night he went to bed. Fell asleep. Woke up vomitting like 15 minutes later.

I called Dr. H this morning and got him in at 2pm. Rob took him because Emmett John and I were exhausted and napping. Turns out that Elliott Richard now has the ear infection. Oy vay. So he's on Amoxicilian and napping right now, which means he'll either never sleep tonight or sleep like the dead tonight. With Elliott Richard you just never know.

Ah the joys of life in the Cheerio house.

Elliott Richard: Mommy, Dammy's here!

(His cousin Danny was at the door.)

Elliott Richard: (screaming through the door) Dammy! I ate a bug a boogers!

(He tries to open the door.)

Elliott Richard: Mommy, I need the keys. This door is locked.

(Gavin gets up to try and help him. Elliott Richard pushes him back.)

Elliott Richard: No, Gavin! Dammy is MY'S COUSIN not your's!

(I let Danny in.)

Elliott Richard: Dammy, I eat a bug and boogers!

(Danny talks to Trisha.)

Danny: Bye guys. Elliott, don't eat bugs and boogers. Please!

Today...

I got a referral to Pain Management from my PCP. Yay!