My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Where my girls at? And other interesting questions.

10:38:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This 3 Comments »
*Where my girls at?*
I've been blessed enough recently to see "Sex and the City" the movie. I love it. But I find myself wondering the same thing I wonder while watching the television show. I find myself wondering if having a group of girls to go through life with is the norm. Are they normal? Thereby making me abnormal in the fact that my best friends are women I've never met. Or am I normal in the fact that I lost touch with my high school friends and never really became super duper close with another group of females since then?

Don't get me wrong here, I have girlfriends. I have Debbie, whom I love to bits. I have Gavin's teachers, whom I talk to about nearly everything when school is in session. I have my mom, my aunts and my cousins; as well as Rob's mom and sisters. But it just seems different. It feels different than what I imagine it must feel like to be Carrie and the girls.

So which is it blogland? Am I normal for not having a posse of girlfriends with standing dinner dates etc? Or am I a freak of nature who is missing out?

*Hypothetically, do you think...*
I was asked today if I felt (hypothetically) that having Gavin living some place else that was safe, with people I trusted would help our situation.

My answer?

I believe that once we all adjusted and "recovered" we would emotionally and mentally be in a better place.

This probably sounds mean and cruel but please allow me to explain. I feel this way because if Gavin were living some place else safe (i.e. with my parents), Rob and I would no longer have to keep Gavin separated from the boys. Our home would no longer a war zone. We wouldn't have to either reprimand Gavin or Elliott Richard for doing what comes naturally to them. (Being affectionate in Elliott Richard's case. Hating physical contact in Gavin's case.) We wouldn't have to worry about Elliott Richard or Emmett John getting caught in one of Gavin's rages. There are so many things that we wouldn't have to worry about.

Would we miss him? Absolutely.

Would we feel horrible having to separate our family like that? Without a doubt.

Would it help us all to survive in the end? Probably.

(Disclaimer: I am not asking for help, money or handouts. I am writing this blog to help you further understand exactly where we are and to get it all out of my head. So please do not take the portion below (or the portion above for that matter) as anything other than information.)

*Is it possible?*
Is it possible that the light at the end of our tunnel is a train? Or two? Or ten?

I mean there are so many things that we will work our entire lives to get out from under and still never see the light of day.

For example, we need a new home for various reasons. However, our options are limited by many things. We cannot live in an apartment, duplex, townhouse etc because of Gavin and his "something more". Which leaves buying a house, renting a house or a land contract.

There is a house we love. It belonged to a very dear friend of ours and Rob's parents/family. We are praying for a miracle to happen that will allow for us to get this house. Miracles of this type and magnitude do not happen to/for us.

We have been fighting for 7-8 years in order to live in a war zone. Every time it feels as though progress has been made and the end of the war (not just the end of a particular battle) is near, another motion is filed and we are thrown back into a life of turmoil. This battle has cost us more emotionally, mentally, psychologically and physically than anyone can imagine. Financially it has cost us $50,000 and that amount is still climbing. If we are ever able to end the war and cease paying in all ways not financial, we will still be buried under that financial debt.

We currently have a small family car. It is nowhere near large enough for our family. Especially not with Gavin and his "something more". We need a van. Desperately. My mother has offered to help us. Too bad we may have to choose between a new home and a "new" car.

Even the small things are making life more difficult. A few months ago my laptop died. It was nearly 10 years old so it was bound to happen. However, now it's gone. I'm without a laptop. And while this may not seem like a big deal to some of you, especially given everything else we have going on at the moment. For me, with Emmett John so fussy and clingy that I can't put him down I need that laptop to keep up with the Etsy store. I need it to keep listing cards. To keep bringing in a little bit of extra income. I need it for my sanity. It's gone. I don't know if/when we'll have the money to replace it.

At this point, I'm having a really difficult time trusting in God and having faith that those lights are not trains. Many, many trains.

Falling apart at the seams

3:00:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 3 Comments »
So much of our lives for the past 8 years has been wrapped up in Gavin. Now he is coming unraveled and taking our family down with him. I have called everyone I know to call. I'm waiting to hear back. I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I, me personally, need to break-down. I need some help. I'm not likely to get any. I think Emmett's fussy period is because I'm so stressed out. I'm worried that if I can't get a break, get some help, or something then my milk supply is going to suffer. That may seem like a silly thing to worry about given everything else that we have going on but it's important to me. Breastfeeding is important to Emmett and important to me to be able to give him that advantage.

This blog does absolutely nothing to convey exactly how lost I feel. I'm sitting here watching everything fall apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I love being a wife and mother more than anything else and I know I'm completely useless in both regards lately. My patience is gone. I'm falling short on keeping up with stuff. My marriage is suffering. We are about to be faced with some very difficult decisions and I'm so worried that they will tear my marriage apart.

I honestly don't know what to do...I am completely and utterly lost.

Ah...true love...

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