Cheerio Confessions

I just want to be clear about something, our families are not evil or mean or heartless. There are some people in our lives who are very involved in any way they can be. There are other people who are involved in the only ways they can be. Some of you have helped us financially before. Some of you have bailed us out when we needed a last minute sitter for this, that or the other reason. Some of you have simply been there to help at school or to call me and say "hi". Thank you.

We love each and every one of our family members. There are things that anger me. There are things that hurt me. This doesn't change our love for them. But those feelings do exist and in the words of my favorite TV shrink, "You cannot change, what you don't acknowledge."

Rob and I were talking last night about a lot of things. While I was putting Elliott Richard to bed he read my blog. (He has access but doesn't read very often, which isn't a big deal since he lives it and all. lol) He said that while I'm honest I put a positive spin on things. I guess that's true. I am honest but there are things that I hold back on because for a while now Rob has been uncomfortable with the whole blogging thing. My blog is set to invite only so even if Nick or Pam managed to find my Blogger profile and try to access my blog they would see a message that says my blog is by invite only. No access. No risk. Unless one of you give them the url and your login info but since I know 99% of you personally and the rest of you either dislike them as much as I do or have no interest in them, I feel pretty safe. ;)

So I've decided that it's time for honesty. It's time for me to be a little blunt and completely open about our lives right now. Keep in mind a few things here: While I tend to be pretty honest and upfront about most things, there are some topics that are harder for me to discuss than others. Also this on again off again weather is killing me and my cold/sinus infection seem to be returning and the sinus stuff I take seems to make me a little loopy for some reason. So what I don't cover today I'll try and hit later. (Side note: I am horrible at spelling! Seriously. I apologize for any misspellings but my spell check doesn't work right now. So just ignore my typos.) Anyway, without further ado...

I have been "torturing" you guys with the fact that Rob and I know the sex of Tiny and you don't. Honestly, some of you do. Some of you don't. (Gavin doesn't even know but then if we told him we might as well tell everyone. lol) I haven't posted Tiny's sex on here because some family has access to the blog, although I seriously doubt that they exercise it. In theory I could post Tiny's sex here if I wanted to and our families probably still wouldn't know. That makes me sad. It makes me sad that my best friends (one of whom lives in NYC and the other knows who she is - hope you're feeling better, hon), my mother, my various internet moms (from all three pregnancies) and Gram (my newly internet adopted grandmother) are the only ones who really check this blog(at least that I know of because they let me know they've been here). (Tiffany, Nathan, and my Aunt Susie have access and are excused from this generalization because they have their hands seriously full at the moment.) Rob thinks I should post Tiny's sex and see who actually reads the blog to keep up with life in the our household. I don't agree. I'll know when the time is right for everyone to know and I'll tell you then. So asking (nicely or otherwise) and bribing (although fun and appreciated sometimes) won't work, so for your own sanity it's best that you not try. End of story. ;)

What's next...ah yes, money. We have none. (Can't get much more blunt than that.) Rob has "lost his job" in a manner of speaking. Rob is self-employed as a construction/contractor for a pretty big home builder here in town and the surrounding states. There is an allotment here in town that Rob has worked in since they opened it. He has been in every house in the neighborhood until now. Glen, the builder he was working for, quit. Glen's replacement (who's name escapes me at the moment) seems to dislike Rob. (We think it's because the last time Rob worked for him he was also working with a rather shady individual. Now please understand, Rob is not shady. In fact, he's one of the most honest and upfront people I know. But for a while his reputation was tarnished because he was associated with Bob before he knew the "Real Bob". Incidently, the "Real Bob" recently stole $6 off a dying 67 yr old man whom he, as a paramedic, was supposed to be saving, just to give you some perspective.) Anyway, this builder seems to be replacing Rob with someone different. This has killed our income. Right now we are living off of our income tax return but that will only last until the end of March, if we are lucky and don't buy things like diapers and gas. *sigh* Rob is actively looking for work with other allotments within the company, however, this also is the slow time of year. Homeowners are buying lots and picking homes but ground breaking probably won't happen for a few months yet and Rob isn't involved until closer to the end of the process.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Rob is self-employed for a few reasons. Could he go out and get any job to bring in something for the next few weeks, yes he could. However, that is not what is best for him or for our family. Rob has a herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in his back. He was told years ago that he needs surgery and shouldn't be doing construction. He has not had the surgery because it would require him to be completely out of commission for up to 6 months. He used to be a paramedic, a job that he loved, (He was saving a hemoraging pregnant woman when he destroyed his back.) but had to quit because he had to be away from home for 24-72 hours at a time and Gavin had become too much for me to handle on my own. To work a "normal job" Rob would have to have the freedom to sit down or stand as his back allows and needs. No employer is going to tolerate that and the pain of all the standing would kill him. When he got home, he would be useless to me and the boys. Rob does what he does to allow for fexibility in scheduling because of Gavin and his special needs. The work he does is not good for his back, by any means, but it allows for us to make enough money to survive on without requiring Rob to be away from home for 40+ hours every week. On a good day (for Gavin) I struggle to meet all his needs, however, now that I'm pregnant and already on light restrictions I am not allowed to have confrontations like the ones that are typical with Gavin. And I'm not allowed to care for Elliott Richard on my own now right either so I need Rob at home as much as time and income allow. This may sound irresponsible on our part but I assure you that this is the only and best way for us. I have made appointments to all of the agencies that may be able to help us at this point. I have calls into other contacts who may know of other assistance. We are doing all that we can at this point to plan for our uncertain future. (If you know of any help that I may not, please email me. When I say our financial situation is dire, I'm not being dramatic.)

Hhhhmmmm, where do I go from here? Ah, yes, the boys. We've been lucky with Elliott Richard. While he's technically considered a preemie, he was born at 36 weeks. That puts him a HUGE advantage over most preemies because we were able to keep him inside for 9 weeks despite the preterm labor that threatened us everyday. So even though he spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU, he's fine now. Developmentally, he's right on target.

Gavin isn't quite so easy. Gavin was a typical baby until about 2 1/2 or 3 years old. Then it was as if he woke up one day and someone had flipped a switch. Gavin was gone. Prior to the switch being flipped, he was a typical little boy. Although now that I have Elliott Richard as a "point of reference" (as Gavin's doctors put it) I now realize that there were many things I should have noticed but didn't. The fact that we lived down south for 9 months with a family doctor rather than Gavin's regular pediatrician didn't help matters any. And yes, I blame myself for that. From start to finish, I firmly believe that our time in down south while I was married to Nick was the beginning of the end for my precious Gavin.

There are many different theories as to how Autism/Asperger's comes to be. Some believe it is vaccines. I don't agree. Autism as a whole is seeing a 300% increase globally. That means third world countries, under-developed countries - essentially, countries without access to vaccines. In order for it to be vaccines, all the children in that 300% need to have exposure to the same vaccines. Others believe it is genetic, tied to such factors as extensive drug use by the parents (I used socially until I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. In my opinion, Nick is an addict.) and the advanced age of the father. I tend to agree with this a little more. Personally, I believe that Autism is much like cancer. You may be born with a genetic predisposition to cancer but not develop cancer in your lifetime. However, you pass that genetic predisposition on to your children and they may develop cancer if the conditions are right and the gene is triggered. I think either Nick or myself or both of us carried this genetic predisposition and passed it on to Gavin. Then something happened, over time, to trigger it. I believe that had it not been triggered, Gavin would have been quirky but not necessarily Autistic. But once it was triggered, Gavin was locked away inside his own mind. Too far away for us to reach.

When Gavin was young, before the switch was flipped, he was quirky. The girls at his daycare used to worry because he would not play with the other children. He would play beside them but never with them. He also refused, to the point of violent meltdowns, to participate in group activities. I admit, I was young (20/21) and didn't know what this meant. I thought he was simply angry at me for leaving him in daycare. When Gavin was a baby (9-18 months) he was very attached to me. Everywhere I went, he went. Elliott Richard is the same, only he's different. Gavin was attached to me but it was more as if I were a safe place, not a safe person. If that makes any sense. His attachment didn't seem to be emotional. As Gavin has grown, his attachments have become less emotional over time and more forced. He gives hugs because he has learned that they are expected in certain situations. Gavin will memorize a social situation and what he did that was acceptable in that moment. He will then react the exact same way every time recognizes a similar social situation. Gavin has no filter. If he sees someone smoking, he doesn't think about whether he knows them or if he should say what he's thinking, he tells them that smoking is bad and they are going to die. Then he will walk away. He has called neighbors "scary vultures" and "black monsters" to their faces. He doesn't know it's wrong. He simply thinks it and says it.

We try and teach Gavin what is right and wrong. We try and teach him that just because he feels the need to hug Elliott Richard does not mean he can drag him kicking and screaming away from his toys to accomplish it. We try and teach him that it's okay to not want to be touched but it is not okay to push, kick and hit Elliott Richard when he's trying to get Gavin's attention. The blunt truth of Gavin is that he has kicked Elliott Richard in the chest because Elliott Richard touched Gavin's foot. Gavin has kicked one of our cats down the stairs. He has tried to throw a dog down the stairs. When I was pregnant with Elliott, Gavin attacked me. He has tried to slam my fingers in his bedroom door while I was trying to get in and stop him from hurting himself. (Our house is 100+ years old and the doors are all about 2 inches solid wood.) He has clawed at my face, my eyes, my arms. He has spit in my face and punched me in the side of the head.

Gavin has no gray area. Everything in his world is black and white. He over-generalizes everything. If Person A buys Gavin at toy "just because" at Wal*Mart. Then from that moment on every time he is at Wal*Mart Gavin's believes that he will get a toy. It doesn't matter who is with him. His whole life is like that. Good and evil, with no in-between.

In our home, routine is life. Our lives are not such that our routine is on a set time schedule. However, the same things happen in the same order everday. Regardless of the time we get up or doctors appointments etc. In our world, it is always A, B, C, D etc. Never A, Z, J, V etc.

I am not telling you these things about Gavin because I want you to think him a monster. He is NOT a monster. However, he is not typical either. Simply because your pregnancy, labor & delivery were textbook followed by text book typical children, does not mean that our lives work that way. Gavin attends a special school for Asperger's and ADHD children. They have been a God send! Make no mistake the staff are ANGELS and I will take on (verbally of course) anyone who dares to tell me differently. Without them, Gavin would not be able to attend school. Public schools (as I've stated in previous posts) are not a fit for Gavin in any stretch of the imagination. I honestly do not know where we would be without them. They are all miracle workers and the best part of my job as a mother and President of the PTA is that I get to watch them work miracles everyday.

Warning: This is where my honesty is about to get bitter and angry. You have been warned.

Some things make me angry, understandablly. There are people out there who believe that they know better simply based on age. WRONG. Some believe they know better because they have typical children who all turned out wonderfully. WRONG. Some people believe that I am too strict, too structured, too this that and the other thing. WRONG.

Just because you are older than me, does not mean you have more experience than me. I have seen things in my 27 1/2 years that most of you have only read about. My childhood was not text book, unless you happen to be reading a text book about an ADHD child. My young adult years were filled with anger, violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, cops, court dates, legal battles...you name it and it was probably in there at some point. I did not get to go away to college. I did not get to date my soul mate for years before getting engaged, getting married and having children - in that order. The last 15 years of my life have been spent fighting for survival - my own, my children's, my husband's, my marriage.

Much of the things I have endured over the past 15 years are nightmares of my own creatation; I recognize that. I take ownership and responsibility for my actions. I will not take ownership or responsibility for anyone else's. I chose to marry Nick. He chose to abuse me in any way he could think of. I did not deserve it. I did not tolerate it. And while others are certainly within their rights to ask my advice and not take it, do not ask my advice and tell me that my opinion/p.o.v. (point of view) is wrong because it does not fit into your Bubble Gum Universe. I wish I lived in your Universe but I don't. I live in the Real World. Which is MESSY and UGLY and filled with PAIN and ANGER and nasty ugly things. While you may wish to live with your head in the sand and ignore the world outside your door, please remember that I live there and when you ignore the pain and suffering in the world...You are ignoring me!

I wish I had grown up with a deep faith in God. I wish I had a life in which that faith has never been tested and I've never been angry with God. But you know what, I haven't and that's okay. That makes me HUMAN. Some people prefer to live life worrying about what others will think. While I often take into considersation what others think, it does not run my life. I know my God. We are tight. He loves me and I love him. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to show my love for him nor for him to show his love for me. I was not married in a church. It was a civil ceremony with my parents and brother and Rob's parents and siblings. That does not doom our marriage.

I have lived my entire life clouded by judgement and none of that judgement has come from where it should - GOD. I will not live in judgement any longer. My life is not easy, even on a perfectly amazing day. My life is struggle and pain. My health sucks. Rob's back is blown. Gavin is Autistic. And by the grace of God, Elliott is "perfect" (in relation to the everyone else's issues). Gavin and I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the abuse I endured and he witnessed down south. My life is not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that it is because it makes other uncomfortable. I appreciate every prayer that is offered up to God on our behalf but you know what, there are times when it would be nice if more than prayers were offered. If you really want to know what we need...Call and ask to take Gavin for the day or overnight. Call just to see how things are going. If something is going wrong in the pregnancy, ask us about it. If we don't want to talk about it, we'll let you know. If you care, sometimes it's just nice to be told or shown.

I'm tired of fake people. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am tired of fake people. (FYI...Fake people are normal people who act in a manner that is fake, shallow, self-serving etc)If you assume that we'll tell you if things are really bad, then don't be surprised when we don't tell you anything. Don't be surprised when you aren't included in the good because you don't care to be there in the bad. My life right now reminds me of that children's story about the little red hen. She gathers all the ingredients to make bread and asks for help along the way. Everyone is too busy to help with the work. Then when the bread is baked, everyone is willing to help her eat it. And that little red hen says NO, you didn't want to help me work so you won't enjoy the fruits of my labor. That's how I feel. If you can't be bothered to care about us when things suck. You won't get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. And you know what, life sucks. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be.

I'm NOT telling you these things because:
We are looking for hand-outs or hand-ups or whatever you'd like to call them.
We are looking for pity.
I am unhappy with my life.
I am trying to hurt anyone.

I AM telling you these things because:
I want to be completely honest (within reason, somethings y'all just don't need to know lol).
If you pray, you'll now know what to pray for.
If you want to help, you now know what we need.
If you ask me (or us) to go somewhere, do something etc you'll now know why we can't.
Everyone needs to know what our lives are like.
I'm tired of not sharing how I feel because it might upset people. (This is my blog. If you don't like it or can't handle it, don't read it. Most of you don't anyway.)
It's unhealthy for me to hold all this crap in.

Rob cringes every time I utter the word Ladybug now. He says that he hates it and even if we are having a girl I'm forbidden from using it. lol So I've been struggling to come up with a new nickname for our littlest baby-to-be because I have to call it something (and It or The Baby are NOT options in my book). Today it came to me...Tiny. Because well the baby is tiny and it's unisex so it will assist me in keeping from all of you what we are having! *insert evil laugh here* lol My new layout is also gender neutral. No more jumping between pink and blue depending on my mood. Now it's gender neutral layouts only for this blog...at least until July! lmao

On a completely unrelated side note, I have always wondered how everyone else got their pictures centered and perfectly sized and whatnot...had I just used the picture button up there rather than trying to paste the code into my posts all of my picture posts would have looked as nice as the last two picture posts! lol

Ultrasound picture from Tuesday, January 29th. Tiny is 14 weeks 6 days in this picture. On the right is the face (alien-looking though it is) and on the left is the body. The black circle in the body is the stomach, I think, it's black because the baby had swallowed some of the amniotic fluid. Which is supposed to happen to help the digestive tract to develop.

What the baby has been up to this week: Over the past three weeks your astounding growing baby has managed to stretch yet another 2 full inches (totaling about 4.5 inches) and weighs around 3.5 ounces. Yessireee, that’s some pretty serious growth... and with it comes several physical developments! For starters, their head to body ratio is finally starting to even out a bit as the rest of the body is actually growing faster than the head at this point. Yes, your little light bulb is not so top-heavy. Their adorable little limbs have lengthened, almost reaching their normal proportions which they will have at birth. Their eyes are still closed but moving and if you had an ultrasound, which many doctors recommend you have at about this time, you may even see your little one sucking on a thumb, not to mention the necessary signifiers to let you know whether you’ve got a wee lad or lassie.

The newest member of the family (I'm still NOT TELLING!) has been a busy little bee. I haven't seen any thumb sucking as of yet. However, I did see some belly rubbing going on! (Not my own. ;) lol) That was very cool. Then of course there was a bunch of arm waving while being pressed and pushed on during the ultrasound. My kids have never been very fond of the whole ultrasound experience. It's almost like they are offended at the intrusion. lol

“Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a Man! This pain is a part of being human--”“THEN—I –DON’T—WANT—TO—BE—HUMAN!” Harry roared, and he seized one of the delicate silver instruments from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room. It shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, “Really!”“I DON’T CARE!” Harry bellowed at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”…“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

That's a quote from "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". I love this quote. It feels me perfectly. I'm forever saying how I'm done, I want out and I don't care. But what Dumbledore says (yes, I'm aware that he is a fictional character) is true. I care so much I feel as though I will bleed to death with the pain of it.

Current Pregnancy Stats:
164lb.
150bpm

I'm trying to kill time while I wait for my OB to call me. Today has been crazy. I've had some cramping and a few contractions since Monday. The cramps aren't anything I haven't already had this time around. The contractions HURT. I had to stop what I was doing and focus and breathe they hurt so much. So I called the office today and they wanted me to come in.

We got there. I peed. They weighed me - I gained 3 pounds in a week. Don't ask me how. *sigh* I'm up to 14 pounds gained so far. The nurse must have been new because she went through my whole medical history, again. Then we talked to the nurse practioner and she was going to check me but didn't want to "stir things up" in case the contractions were effecting my cervix. So she sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital.

The hospital couldn't get me in until 7pm. So Rob stayed home with the boys and my mom took me. (Thanks again, Mom!) She did an internal and external ultrasound. During the external we got to see all of the perfect little body parts again. She even printed a couple of pictures for me to take home. :) It was really cool to see all the different parts again. The baby weighes about 7 ounces and is measuring about a week ahead of my due date. But she said that at this stage babies grow at such different rates that they don't change the due date, which is fine by me.

Then she did the internal and got real quiet. She said she could see something that she thinks was what the ER tech thought was a band. She said she thought it was a blood vessel behind my placenta. Then she took a bunch of pictures of the placement of the placenta for the doctor because she was concerned with it's placement. She checked my cervix - closed up tight like Fort Knox - and we were done. Then Mom and I had to wait for the utrasound tech to talk to the ER doc. Then the ER doc wanted me to wait around while she talked to my OB but finally let me leave because my OB wasn't talking non-emergency calls until 8:30pm. So the tech took my cell phone number and said that either someone from the hospital would call or more likely the doctor would call us.

So now we wait. I'll update when I have more to tell. And I'll try and get last week's ultrasound pics and today's scanned so I can share them. :)

Gavin does not ride the bus home. Either Rob or I pick him up and drop him off each day. I do not trust the local school district to transport my son. End of story. Period.

But I digress, Gavin does not ride the bus home. However, his classmates do. The bus that Gavin would ride (if I trusted them but I don't) stops in front of our house at 4:44pm each afternoon. (That's right, IF Gavin rode the bus he would be on said bus from 3:00pm - 4:44pm every afternoon. Those of you who know Gavin well, go ahead and imagine how quickly that would go wrong.) Well, his classmates Khrissy and Robert ride the bus that Gavin would ride. Today Gavin realized that the bus that stops in front of our house had Khrissy on it. Khrissy also noticed that she was parked in front of Gavin's house...

Khrissy likes Gavin. I think Gavin likes Khrissy. If I needed proof of Gavin's feelings...I now have them. I offer you sneak peek into the "mating rituals of 8 yr olds"...

I'll keep this short and sweet because I'm already cramping and stressed beyond measure at this point.

The Good:

I spoke with my attorney today. There was some question as to whether or not he would be able to represent me during this current legal snafu. We ended the conversation having decided that he was going to get flack from his bosses and they weren't going to be happy. However, we are currently in a fiancial crisis and we are still sending him payments. Granted they are small payments. But unless I win the lottery I'll never be able to pay off a lump sum. But he will take the flack and whatnot but will represent me. So that's the good.

The Bad:

I haven't even gone to court yet and I'm already cramping. Plus, TECHNICALLY they have an arguement. TECHNICALLY...TECHNICALLY....TECHNICALLY...I HATE technicalities!

The Ugly:

This legal snafu is going to be U-G-L-Y...UGLY. There are no two ways about it. For now, I have sent her an offer (through my attorney) for supervised visits, period. She will never have more than supervised visits. The most she could ever hope for are technically (there's that blasted word again) unsupervised visits at the supervised location. Meaning she would be at the supervised location but the monitor would not be right on them the entire time. Maybe the monitor would peek in the room or if she took him outside to their playground the monitor would stay inside and check on them through a window. But that is my offer. I doubt she's received it yet. If she recieves it and responds by refusing, I will ask my attorney to send one last letter stating that this is her last chance. If she goes forward with court and sets a date, I will withdraw the offer from the table. She will not have my offer waiting in Avenue A in case her court case in Avenue B fails. Sorry charlie.

I'm so tired. Please pray.

My 14 week belly pictures are temporarily lost in limbo somewhere. So until I locate them...Here are my 15 week belly pictures...

Belly bump with Elliott Richard. lol

Elliott Richard showing the baby some love.

Here's the little photogenic baby. He's recently discovered that the camera loves him and he loves the camera! lol


Elliott Richard opening his gift at Gavin's party


Elliott Richard's turn blowing out Gavin's candles.


Elliott Richard vs the cake


Chillin' with Grandma W.


Hanging out with Grandma G.


Who loves the camera? Not, Elliott Richard! lol


Sitting on Daddy's shoulder - Elliott Richard's favorite place to be.


I said, NO MORE!!!!!


Lovin' on the Daddy


I just want to beep your nose. SIT STILL!


It's easier to beep Mommy's nose when she's holding me. She can't get away! lol


*Muah!*


The revival of the push toy...I don't know what's up with that grin. It's seems to be the only one I can get out of him lately. lol

It's time to update y'all from the photo stand point. Aren't you excited? ;) lol Here we go...

First up, Gavin's 8th Birthday Party on Saturday January 26, 2008!


Opening presents


Humoring the adults by reading the cards...LAST! lol


*THE* gift...he was so excited I thought he'd pop a vein! lol


Singing Happy Birthday and blowing out the candles

Okay, so things are a little rocky right now. I'm stressed. I once again find myself with a migraine that my medications cannot touch. And I'm exhausted. But a wise woman once told me to focus on the positive. And if I find that I cannot focus on the positive to simply focus on Jesus. I am not to the point of needing to focus on Jesus alone at this point. So I choose in stead to focus on the positive. In no particular order, here are my positives:

*I feel "moving and grooving" everyday now.
*Elliott Richard is learning new words all the time. So far today I've heard "orine" (orange) and "hola".
*Gavin is so sweet.*Somehow I'm managed (with Rob's help of course) to raise
2 very polite little men. Even Elliott Richard says "thank you" and "welcome"
(you're welcome). He struggles with "please" but he'll get it with time.
*My husband is loving and supportive. I couldn't find a better man if I wanted to -
and I don't.
*I have a roof over my head.
*I have food in my belly.
*February is Italo's Pizzaria's "buy a large 1 topping for $6" month. I love Italo's Pizza.
*Most times my boys would rather have healthy snack (fruit and veggies) than junk.
*I have a Mother who loves me and helps me out with getting a break or taking care of the boys or last minute babysitting more times than I can count. Without her I
wouldn't be half the Mom I am. Heck, without her I wouldn't be nearly as sane as
I am.
*My birth mother was compassionate enough to give me life and give my parents the gift of parenthood.
*I have friends and family who love me.
*I have a good head on my shoulders.
*I am realitively healthy and the medical issues I do have aren't life threatening, just life annoying. ;) lol
*While Gavin is Autistic, he is "high functioning" which means I don't have to go his whole life without hearing him say my name or tell me he loves me.
*Elliott Richard is my little preemie miracle.
*Rob is always willing to allow me a precious nap or relaxing bath.
*There are so many wonderful people, some I know and some I'll probably never have the opportunity to meet, who are willing to pray for us.
*My God is an awesome God.

I could keep going but I think I've covered the basics. :) Feel free to leave a comment with anything else that you feel should make the list.

It always seems to go in my life that things are a trade off. Good for bad. Bad for more bad. Bad for worse. Very rarely, bad for good. I feel like I'm riding the New York Stock Exchange or something.

We need prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. Long story short, my ex-husband and his mother have not seen Gavin since mid-July. It was their choice!!!! Around the 21st or 22nd of January we received a letter from our attorney with a copy of a letter from my ex-mother-in-law's attorney 2.5 hours away. She was asking for visitation to resume, unsupervised. We made the offer that she could have supervised visits, period. If she was telling the truth and it really was only about seeing Gavin, she should have accepted the supervised visits. Especially since they are in Gavin's best interest.

Unfortunately, while we were in our appointment on Tuesday, January 29th her attorney was filing paperwork seeking to have me thrown in jail, again...

I say again because in the summer of 2005, just after I found out I was pregnant with Elliott Richard she filed to have me thrown in jail for contempt of court because I had refused to give her what she wanted.

(Another long story short, at the time she had every other weekend visitation and 2 weeks in the summer. The summer weeks had to be agreed upon by both of us - her and me. Summer of 2005, she dictated the weeks she was taking. I told her no because she had set them up in such a way that Gavin would be coming home for a few days at a time between visits. She didn't want her weeks to coinside with her weekends. She wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. I told her those weeks wouldn't work and gave her 3 or 4 different options to choose from. She refused and stated she would only take what she wanted, nothing else. Never mind that what she wanted clearly wasn't in the best interest of Gavin. Well, we were waiting for my court date and Couny CPS (Child Protective Services) got involved and began to investigate my ex-husband so they had to drop the contempt charges. In May 2007, when the whole CPS case ended when we all agreed - me, Rob, my ex, my ex's mother - that the previous visitation agreement would be disolved and we would work with Pattie (Gavin's psychologist) on the new one. Are you confused yet? lol Fast forward...)

...Her attorney refiled the contempt charges, seeking once again to have me thrown in jail. Based on my limited legal knowledge, they shouldn't be able to do this because we all agreed the previous arrangement was disolved. The problem is that to argue and prove that I need an attorney. My attorney cannot be my attorney any longer. So I will not have an attorney to aid in my defense. The problem is that we owe over $25,000 in legal fees. For my attorney to go to defend me costs $2,000 just for him to travel down there. Never mind the fees per hour while he's in court and whatnot. He cannot defend me any more because we owe too much money already.

I need prayers. I have spent the last 9 years (including the pregnancy) fighting to protect my sweet Gavin from these people who don't understand him and don't want to. (Although I suspect that even with his own issues, Nick is trying to do what it best for Gavin. I think this is all her and he's being drug along for the ride.) I have no money to pay my attorney. And I can't find an attorney willing to take my case because everyone knows everyone else down there. I have been praying to God to help us in protecting Gavin. Yet everytime I pray for this the road just seems to get harder and steeper.

Well, it's official. I've reached the point in my pregnancy where my belly is starting to "get in way". lol If I am standing up and I look down, guess what I see? Nothing. My feet have disappeared. (Now I am still able to lean forward far enough to find them again. But if I look straight down, they are gone.) This morning when I was doing he dishes for breakfast I leaned on the counter like I always do. Only this time I was told in no uncertain terms that "Hey lady, I'm down here you know!" lol Now please don't misunderstand me, I love these things. I love that my feet have disappeared when I'm standing. I love that I can't do certain things without reminder that my body is no longer my own. I love that my body is constantly changing. There is just something about pregnancy that has always...sat well with me, for lack of a better way to put it.

Gavin's pregnacy was pretty easy. I only had morning sickness of days when my stress level was especially high. This is when I experienced my first migraine. (Apparently they've decided they like me and I've had migraines ever since.) I even managed to work until was 7 or 8 months pregnant. Most of the problems I thought I had were really just me being 18/19 years old and pregnant for the first time. I didn't know what was what. I didn't know what to expect, even after reading every book I could get my hands on. The two biggest issues I had were my blood pressure (thanks to people who shall remain nameless) and once about 2 weeks before my due date I couldn't get Gavin to move for an entire day. It was scary but everything turned out okay. He was just running out of room to move. :) lol Gavin was born on Tuesday, January 18th, 4 days after his due date of January 14th. He was happy, healthy and perfect.

Elliott Richard's pregnancy was a complete 180degrees from Gavin's. The 1st trimester was all day sickness, cramping, headaches and worry. The 2nd trimester was pretty quiet. It was mainly my cousin Sam's wedding, Rob's brother Jon's wedding, Halloween and Thanksgiving. The 3rd trimester was a different story entirely. Starting at 27-29 weeks I began experiencing preterm labor. I had a DVT. I was hospitalized at various points for different lengths of time. And I ended up on bed rest. In the end, Elliott Richard was born at 36 weeks on Saturday, March 4th, 4 weeks before his due date of Tuesday, March 28th. He was angry, sick and perfect. He spent his first 10 days of life in the NICU.

This pregnancy has been a combination of the two. There are times when I worry because things are quiet and all is right with the world. After Elliott Richard I'm not used to this "calm pregnancy". I've had horrible migraines, worse than with Elliott Richard. I had all day sickness, worse than with Elliott Richard. And cramping, worse than with Elliott Richard. Then you add the "band" scare and 16 days of trying not to worry. But everything is just as it should be, right where it should be.

While I may change my mind later, I would definitely be willing to do this all again. if I could get Rob to agree. :) lol I love being pregnant. I love knowing that a new life is growing inside of me. I love knowing that I alone am responsible for this tiny person for the next 9-10 months. I love breastfeeding. I love newborns, its probably my favorite phase because they just change so much, so quickly. If I had perfect, "text book" pregnancies and I could get Rob to agree to it; I would be a surogate mother. I honestly love being pregnant that much. lol

I completely forgot to post about my crazy pregnancy dream I had last night! It was just...bizarre! Various friends and family members kept taking me out to eat. Every restaurant I went to, I would order my meal (steak and potatoes, pork chops etc.). Then when my meal would come it looked like what I had ordered but it was made entirely out of white, milk and dark chocolate!!!! Some of it was molded out of chocolate, some was chocolate shavings...whatever it took to make chocolate look like food. It should have been good because chocolate is one of my favorite foods of all time. But after a while, it just got old. lol

What we've been up to...
Your nearly four-inch long gymnast is happily mobile inside your womb and if you're really lucky, you’ll notice a point when your sneezing, coughing or laughing results in a little kick here or a poke there. Still, many women don't feel anything until the 17th week or later. Although the poking and kicking isn't very charming during sleeping hours, it’s a good sign as it means your baby is actually reacting to outside events. Yay! You’ve got yourself one active healthy baby! Their little elbows and knees are bending more freely this week and their little legs are finally growing longer than their arms and getting pumped up for prenatal Richard
Simmons. Many of their major organ systems are increasing in capacity—particularly that amazing tiny heart and complex circulation system, which is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood per day, and will increase to a very impressive 200 quarts per day by the end of the pregnancy. As far as hair goes, we’ve got some new scalp patterns beginning to develop on the head, although actual head hair is not yet present.

I feel like I haven't written a proper blog this week. Well, besides the long awaited update on Tuesday. The week has been crazy busy but nothing I really feel comfortable sending out into cyberspace.

I tried to take a nap a little while ago but didn't get much rest. There was some definitely some moving and grooving going on in there and I wanted to stay awake to feel it. :) Only problem is that now I'm even more exhausted than I was before I laid down. *sigh* Such is pregnancy.

Elliott Richard is growing like a weed! He's started telling us which way to go to get home or get where he thinks we shoud go. He'll point in a direction and squeal, "That way!" It's pretty cute. Of course, when you think about it, Elliott Richard is pretty cute, too. Not that I'm biased or anything.

We kept Gavin home from school today because he had an appointment with Dr. R., his psychiatrist. Then we lucked out because today ended up being a snow day, so at least missing school didn't count against him. We've been worried about some of his behaviors lately. Luckily, it isn't what we were afraid of. It would appear that Gavin is suffering from some S.A.D. coupled with a little bit of situational depression. We are going to try a new medication and see if that helps any. I'm hoping it does because he looks so sad and forelorn. :(

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and things are supposed to be settling down a bit. My energy should be returning little by little. The nausea should be subsiding and slowly over time it is. I still have days though where it hits me full force and I'm miserable. And I shouldn't be getting winded until I'm closer to the 3rd trimester but I swear do anything exhausts me and gets me out of breath.

The writers strike is still killing me! I miss my shows! I want them back! Until I get them back, I have been finding reruns of old shows I never got to watch and recording them. Right now, I'm hooked on "America's Next Top Model". Few things are more entertaining that watching a group of women living together while fighting for the chance of a lifetime. lol I admit, I'm a reality television addict. There are some who say it kills braincells and whatnot. But you know what, I'm a stay-at-home mom to 2 boys (1 with Autism) and I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. If I want to zone and watch people do things I would never do in a million years - leave me be! :p lol

I have a sink full of dishes calling my name. But I'm tired and didn't get much sleep last night so I'm trying to ingnore them for a while.

Okay, so it's now 4:40pm. I started this blog at 8:30am which is probably the time that will show on the final posting. This day has been crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

I'm up to my elbows in checks, order forms, cash and more order forms for the school fundraiser. All in all, we didn't do too bad. I just wish they gave me paperwork to fill out. I'm trying to come up with something on the fly to keep this info organized and it's just making the whole process more difficult.

The dishes still aren't done. Elliott Richard can't decide what he wants to do with himself. I have no idea what is for dinner. And I've got a raging migraine. I love my job as head of the PTST but I hate the stupid paperwork. It just hurts my head.

I had crazy pregnant lady dreams last night that were pretty funny. I can't remember what they were now. Story of my life.

I posted a week or so ago about how my outlook on religion has changed recenty and the events that led to the change. Well, my beloved new-found Gram has struck again. :) lol *see below*

"Waiting to hear whether the baby will go potty sitting down or standing up (") Of course it will be a while before that happens as we all well know. " ~Taken from a comment posted to my blog by Gram.

This part of her comment made me laugh so hard I cried, which I deseperately needed this morning. God works in mysterious ways. I can't express how thankful for all of the wonderful, mysterious occurances and people that have we've been blessed with lately.

There are moments as a mother, when you are either reminded of where you fell painfully short or where you excelled without even realizing it. Unfortunately, it seems that the former happens far more than the latter. Yesterday was one of those rare moments when I was reminded of what I had done right, despite all of the stress and hiccups in our lives.

For Gavin's birthday he was give two T-Rex models. One from Grandma and Grandpa W. The other from Grandma and Grandpa G. Both were horrible disasters. lol Last night we took them back to the store. The plan was for Gavin to pick up a game for the PS3. He didn't get to do that because Toys R Us still has most games in their store marked at full price ($60) where as every other store has marked them down to ($30-40). (Can we say RIP OFF?) So Rob and Gavin wandered around Toys R Us for a half hour - 45 minutes while I sat in the car and Elliott Richard slept. Gavin looked at everything, including toys he knows he can't have like guns and weapons.

Finally he decided on a movie...for me. He told Rob that I really love Harry Potter and I didn't have "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" yet. He wanted to get it for me. Rob told him that it was his birthday money and he could spend it any way he wanted (within reason of course) and he didn't need to get anything for me. Gavin told him, "No, Mommy really loves Harry Potter. I want to get it for her. I want her to have it." (I'm crying as I write this.) So he used half of his money last night. He bought "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", a Mega Blocks movie (who knew they made movies with/about legos?!), a bag of Skittles for himself and a bag of fruit snacks for Elliott Richard.

There are days when I try and try and try to get through to him on ANY level and I just feel so inadequate. Then there are moments like this one, where for a moment in time we are able to catch a small glimpse of the True Gavin. The Gavin that could have been before Autism. The Gavin he is when the Autism doesn't lock him away. There are moment when I question how wonderful a mother I really am. And then there are moments, like this one, where I realize that more of what I've tried to teach him has gotten through than I realized. He just can't always show us all that he's learned.

The morning was SO stressful it was unreal. Rob and I were at each other’s throats. Of course we overslept which just started the whole day off on the WRONG foot to begin with. Oversleeping set Gavin's day off on the wrong foot, I'm just praying that he was able to pull it out of the nosedive at school. Rob took Gavin to school then I took a quick bath and got ready. Then we took Elliott Richard to Grandma G's.

My appointment was at 9:40am. I got there with a full bladder, just in case because some ultrasound techs prefer a full bladder. They think it helps push the uterus forward, making it easier to view. Thankfully Barb (Dr. D's ultrasound tech) doesn't follow this rule. So I took care of that and Barb was calling me in. (ARGH! My keyboard keeps skipping letters even though I'm hitting them! Moving on...)

Barb did both an internal ultrasound and abdominal ultrasound. I think it lasted about a half hour total. I would have laid there for 5 hours if she had let me. Barb took at least a dozen pictures for Dr. D to review. Then she took 3 for us, which I'll have to scan and post later.

I'm stalling here. I know I am. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I'm just not ready to share the news. I want to keep it *mine*. I want to bask in the glow that is the miracle of life growing inside me. I want to enjoy this and these next few months because they are truly the only time I will ever have all to myself. Where I won't have to share.

That's not fair though. Most of you have been there for me over the past 16 days. You've prayed for us. You've followed our story. Most of you have been very loving and supportive. Barb looked for half-an-hour, from every angle (literally) and she saw NOTHING!!!!!!! YIPPEE!

She didn't see a single band! She couldn't even see evidence that there had ever been a band in the first place. She showed us the heart, all four chambers, beating perfectly at 150 bpm. She showed us the bladder, all filled up. We saw the kideys, which I've never seen in an ultrasound before. We saw all ten little fingers and all ten little toes. (Clubbed foot is common with Amniotic Band Syndrome, which we DON'T HAVE!) We saw the brain. We saw all the tiny PERFECT little body parts. There was kicking and wiggling. Absolutely wonderful and miraculous.

Now you are probably wondering, did you find out the sex of the baby, Lizze? *shrugs* We certainly could have. Guess you'll have to wait to find out if we did. :p lol