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My Breastfeeding Badges of Honor

Heath Ledger vis a vie Religion

7:57:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
It saddened me to learn that Heath Ledger had passed away the other day. I once had a crush on him back in his "10 Things I Hate About You" days. But I was saddened most by the fact that he has a beautiful daughter, Matilda Rose 2 years. She will have to grow up without a father. Michelle Williams will have to raise her trying to remember him in every day things so that Matilda Rose can somehow know her father.

It is one of my greatest wishes that no children be without parents. Be they adoptive parents. Be they natural/biological parents. Be they a mix of biological and step. It doesn't matter the mix. Every child deserves to be loved by two parents. If I were in a beauty pagent, and the question of "What do you wish for most?" were asked of me...I wouldn't say "world peace". Although that is an admirable choice. I woud wish for all children to know the love of a parent. I'll even take that one step further, I wish all children could know the love of a GOOD parent. In my book, parents who beat, belittle and generally abuse their children do not deserve to have the miracle of children in their lives. Period. End of story.

Now you are probably asking yourself, what does this have to do with Heath Ledger and Religion? I'll tell you. There is a group of parents who until now have been content to boycot the funerals and memorial services of sevicemen and women who have lost their lives so that these confused, self-centered and generally heartless people could have the right of Free Speech. I abhor these "people". How do you dare to boycot the funeral/memorial of someone who gave his/her life so that you might be free? How do they work that out?

Well, these same people are choosing to exercize their Right to Free Speech at the memorial service for Heath Ledger because of the role he played in "Brokeback Mountain". Apparently, in their topsy-turvy world playing a role well is grounds for boycot because they don't agree with the livestyle of that *character*. I'm floored by that.

In my 27 years, there are a few things about religion that have tripped me up. I've always just felt that God is an awesome God. He is a loving, forgiving God of everyone.

And you know, I had this whole blog planned out about how my thoughts on religion have changed lately. How things just fall into place the way they were meant to. The problem is that I started this blog 5 days ago and I don't remember that blog. I do remember how all this started...

On Christmas our family went to my parents house. While there I found a local newspaper article about a family from Michigan adopting a little boy who was born at 24 weeks gestation. I hardly ever read the paper. I read this one. I found the article, which listed her blog. It all started with that blog. Tiffany is so sure and comfortable with her spirituality and relationship with God. I couldn't help but feel moved by it. Tiffany's blog led to the Hummel's blog, which led to other blogs. Then eventually Tiffany's blog also led me to Nathan's blog. And through Tiffany, I also found Gram. Whom I've come to love as a my own Gram. Her kind words always seem to arrive in my Inbox just when I need them most. Something I am continually greatful for. What really amazed and touched me was the fact that each blogger was just as sure and comfortable in their spirituality and relationship with God as the last. Each was going through their own trials and yet, each was still so secure in their faith.

Slowly over time, while reading all these blogs I've come to rediscover my own spirituality and relationship with God. I've come to pray again and often. The freedom and relief I've found in turning over to God what I, alone, cannot control is beyond words. I have Tiffany, Gram, the Hummels, Nathan, Tricia and tiny Gwyneth to thank for it all. Without that newspaper article...without the unconditional love of mother from across statelines...I might not have found the unconditional love and support of God again, just when I needed it most. Then again, I don't know that that was an option. God puts the right people in our lives at just the right time.

Our God is an awesome God.

14 week Belly Pictures

4:12:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Mommy & Gavin @ 14 wks
Mommy & Gavin at 14 weeks

All my kids
Mommy, Ladybug, Gavin & Elliott

14 weeks
Mommy & Ladybug at 14 weeks

Time for the boys

4:04:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
All grown up
Gavin all grown up. He's the Big 08 now. ;) lol

Crazy Elliott
"Crazy Elliott" see previous post for proof that it's genetic. ;) lol

2 Cute 4 Words
Go on, tell me I don't make beautiful babies. I dare you!

2 Cool 4 Words
You can't do it, can you? My boys are DARN CUTE!

Can we go NOW?!
Elliott wearing Daddy's hat. I love his expression. It just *screams* "Can we go NOW?!" lol

Proof

3:59:00 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
If you've ever felt you needed proof that I am crazy...here you go! :) lol

Silly Mommy
Rob said he was going to start taking pictures of the wall and I should just "jump in" whenever I was ready. So I did. lol

Just Me
I like this picture of me. I don't know why.

13 week Belly Pictures

3:19:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Okay, so I promised 13 weeks pictures would be posted today. I thought I had more than one but Rob caught me making funny faces in all the others. lol

13 weeks

Just breathe

10:24:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I am 14 weeks 1 day today. (I know. I know. I STILL haven't posted my 13 week belly pictures. I have them. I swear. I'll get them posted later. I promise.) I have been a wee bit stressed lately. (I don't know if y'all have noticed or not. ;) lol) Well, a large portion of this stress was because when I was pregnant with Gavin, I felt him move at 13 weeks on the dot. Then with Elliott Richard (who's name I seem to be having a difficult time typing today) I felt him move at 13 weeks on the dot too.

So, here I was 14 weeks and nothing! I had a few moments where I thought "hey, maybe?" but I wasn't sure and in my book it doesn't count. I wanted a movement where I *KNEW*. God finally answered that prayer last night.

I was laying on the couch watching television with Rob and I felt it. My instinctive reaction was to hold my belly in the spot of the movement and promptly burst into tears. The relief I felt in that moment, I can't describe it. It felt as if the weight of the world had just been lifted off my chest.

I haven't felt it again but I'm waiting. I know now for sure that she's moving and grooving in there. I can't wait for that first big KICK.

*does a happy dance* I felt Ladybug move! I felt Ladybug move! *finishes happy dance*

Now as far as I'm concerned this is a great, wonderful, fabulous thing. Our Income Tax Return should be here soon and that's great, wonderful, fabulous thing #2. And I'm holding out for the ultrasound on Tuesday to be great, wonderful, fabulous thing #3. *crosses fingers and says a prayer*

Yay for poop!!!

7:06:00 PM Posted In Edit This 1 Comment »
Okay, perhaps I should explain. Although I don't know that explaining will help. You'll probably still think me insane even with an explanaination. *shrugs* Such is life.

As I posted a while ago, I am in a funk. I am overwhelmed and overloaded. I am exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically. I am exhausted by "fake" people that I am surrounded by. I am exhausted by my life. I have every right to feel these things. However, they are not good for me or for our little Ladybug. And as it is my sincerest wish to give Ladybug every opportunity possible in which to grow and thrive, I needed to kick the funk.

Elliott Richard helped some by showering me with kisses all on his own. I didn't even have to ask for them, which is rare occurrance. However, the funk remained.

I got online fully expecting to do little more than follow link after link through mind-numbing blogs. First though, I thought I would check my regular "haunts". I started with Tiffany's blog, as is my new habit. She hasn't updated since the last, which I still haven't replied to. Then I moved on to Nathan's blog. I honestly didn't expect another post since he's posted at least twice today. But I checked hoping that maybe some new pics of Gwyneth and/or Tricia had been posted and those might de-funk me. What I found was a post about what the purpose of his blog was and what it wasn't. Completely understandable given the sheer magnitude of traffic he's receiving. I faithfully read the whole post. Nodding in agreement. Understanding as best I can from my limited vantage point. Until the end.

There is one statement that I remember above all the rest. This one statement is short and powerful. So powerful in fact, that it has mostly de-funked me. What is this short and all powerful statement you ask? Was it scripture? Was it faith related? (this is another topic/post entirely) No, my friends, it was poop related. That's right, I said POOP. His one simple statement that held the power to start my de-funking process was simply this:

Finally, this post is not meant to:
(obviously I didn't add 1-9 because they did not assist in my de-funking)
10) Scare you from praying for poop.

That was it. That did it for me. How wonderful is a world where thousands of complete strangers are praying for someone's preemie daughter to poop so that she might eat. What a wonderful world that we can pray for something as simple as a child's first poop because it signifies the beginning of her road to recovery, it allows her the opportunity to eat and grow, it shows that things are moving along just as they should. (Sorry for the pun there.)

If that makes me insane, I wear the badge proudly because it helps me to know that through all of us praying and one tiny little girl's will to live and thrive; we are able to do what alone we could not. Well, with God's help too. ;) lol And so again I say,

YAY FOR POOP!!!!! :) lol

Da Funk

5:00:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 1 Comment »
It's official. I've got da funk. I think it's because of everything that is going on right now. I've been sick for about a week. It started as a head cold that moved to my sinuses that is slowly migrating into my lungs. No matter where it resides it is wearing me out on top of normal pregnancy exhaustion. Add to that, the stress of my up coming ultrasound (T-minus 6 days) and a new legal snafu. It all adds up to my energy level being nill and a little black cloud called "Da Funk" hanging over my head.

And that is the extent of my blogging for now. Typing is even too exhausting at this point. *sigh*

By the way, funk aside I am 14 weeks pregnant today. I have my 13 weeks belly pictures to post. As soon as I can summon the energy to do so.

Oy.

6:53:00 PM Posted In , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I am utterly exhausted in every sense of the word. I have a sinus infection and migraine. I cannot get medication for the sinus infection untill tomorrow because Dr. D was not in the office today. The medication I have for the migraines is hardly putting a dent in the pain because of the sinus part. We, that being all 4.5 of us, went non-stop from about 10:30am until we finally got home at around 4:30pm! I have nothing left.

Gavin had his 8 year "well baby visit" although I suppose he's only a baby to me at this point. His pediatrician says it's his "8 year or 80,000 mile tune-up". lol Gavin is now 4 feet 4 inches tall. Dr. M said if he stays on course with his height, he'll be 6 feet tall!!!! *jaw drop* He also weighes 60 pounds, which is HUGE because he was 45-50 pounds for YEARS. He would eat nonstop but not gain much of anything. Maybe I'll be able to stop looking for slim clothes for him soon. He was supposed to have a booster of the chicken pox vaccine (new guidelines just issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics), which of course freaked him out. Then he was granted a reprieve because the chicken pox vaccine is a live vaccine and I'm pregnant. I've had chicken pox but Ladybug hasn't and that would be bad. Thank God (seriously, not taking his name in vain here) because we had told him no shots that morning, which is what we were told last year.

Then the boys and I dropped Rob off at an appointment and met my Mom, Grammy, Aunt Sharon and baby Sofia for lunch. We ate at a chinese buffet Mom and I go to a lot. The boys love it and it's pretty cheap. I ate but nothing really tasted all that good. I'm still suffering from a complete lack of appetite.

After lunch, we picked up Rob and dropped Gavin off at Occupational and Speech therapies. Then Rob dropped me off at the hospital so I could have my bloodwork done (blood type, genetic testing based on ethnicity etc). I was in and out in about 20 minutes. Woo Whoo! We had good timing too because just as I was going back the waiting room filled up out of the blue! It was crazy! Picked Gavin up and FINALLY came home.

Now I'm just trying to find something to entertain myself with. Nothing sounds very appealing at the moment.

*Insert Witty Title Here*

8:03:00 AM Posted In , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
It is too early and I am too tired to come up with a witty title. I couldn't sleep last night to save my life. Then at 2:30am Elliott Richard decided that he wasn't going to sleep any more. Ha. Nice try buddy. From 2:30 - 3:00 Rob and I tried the usual: patting his butt, bouncing him gently etc. No cigar. So at 3am I decided that it was time to introduce Mr. Elliott Richard to the world of "self soothing".

For those of you who are unaware, I am a "Good Earth Mother" as my Mother puts it. I breastfeed for as long as possible. I co-sleep. I practice attachment parenting. I do not use cloth diapers, although I may try it with Ladybug - at least while we are at home anyway. I am not a zealot by any stretch of the word. I believe in these practices but I do not believe they are the only way or the only option. They work for me.

I breastfed Elliott Richard until he was 15 months old. I would have gone longer but medical reasons prevented me from doing so. I breastfed Gavin until he was 6 months. My hope with Ladybug is that I will be okay medically and not need to cut things short. We co-slept with Elliott Richard until a few months ago. I co-slept with Gavin until around 6 months. That was my goal with Elliott Richard as well. Co-sleep for 6 months, give or take, then transition him to his crib. However, due to circumstances outside our control (Gavin's nervous breakdown last summer etc.) we were unable to move Elliott out of our bed/room. Waiting until he was 20 months old before moving him to his own bed was *way too long*. I know this. When the opportunity to transition him out of our bed, the crib was no longer an option. We had stopped using a playpen because he could get close enough to escaping that it frightened us. The same was true with the crib. So we transitioned straight to the toddler bed.

So far, he hasn't figured out that he can get out of bed in the middle of the night. He acts as if there is some unseen force keeping him in his bed. I've decided (last night at 3 am) to use this to our advantage. Unfortunately, in my quest to have the closest, most stable emotional relationship with Elliott possible I failed to teach him to self-sooth. Again, this is my fault. I should have taught him this early on. Extreme worry sprinkled with guilt after his release from the NICU clouded my judgement. So we are learning this very important skill now.

We did pretty well last night. We toughed it out from 3 -4am. I would have gone all night because I still didn't feel sleepy but Rob reminded me that we have a full day today. Maybe last night wasn't the best night to try this. lol So at 4am we gave in. (I'll pay dearly for this down the line, I know.) Let me tell you, there are very few feelings better than having your baby curl into your body and sigh because he is finally convinced that he is safe. But the ground work has been laid (and then disturbed) and baby steps will be made. Our hope is have Elliott in his own room, in his toddler bed at night before Ladybug makes her grand enterance. Then we'll move the crib into our room. Co-sleep until 6 months. And learn to self-sooth THEN. lol

Needless to say, Rob and I are exhausted. We will be running non-stop, as a family from about 10:30am to 4:30pm. Hopefully we all make it out alive and unscathed. lol

Big Brother 9

9:39:00 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm probably the only one who cares but I just had to share! I am a reality television NUT! I just love it. I don't know why. I know it's mindless and maybe that's the appeal. I don't have to think. I can just zone for an hour at a time. At the top of my list of reality shows that I love love LOVE is Big Brother. Usually it isn't on until June or July every year. But it was just announced that season 9 will be starting in February!!!! :) WOO WHOO!! I just hope it doesn't interfere with American Idol. Although so far AI has been fairly disappointing. There's still time to turn it around.

T-minus 22 days!!!

August Rush

11:20:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
August Rush

Rob took me to the dollar movie tonight. I've been wanting to see "August Rush" since I first saw the preview. Long story short, it's about a boy who is given up for adoption. He is raised in an orphanage and hears the music in everything. Growing up he is convinced that the music within him will draw his biological parents to him and reunite them all. It follows Evan (August Rush) through his journey.

I wanted to see the movie because I identified with Evan as another adoptee. I ended up identifying with him in a completely different way.

Lately Rob and I have been trying to find a way to help me communicate more efficiently. The problem, it would seem, is that I am unique. I don't just march to the beat of a different drummer, at times I hear a whole different orchestra. Any my orchestra isn't playing music so much as it's reciting poetry. When it comes to communicating, I can write and convey my point of view very easily. When it comes to talking, I'm not nearly as efficient. Talking is difficult for me. It's all done on the fly. And for me, I'm in the middle of one thought and I have another 50+ running through my head at any given moment. It's impossible for me to keep up with my thoughts, while talking. Now writing, that's a horse of a completely different color. I can write and my thoughts seem to slow. What was a free flowing freeway while trying to talk. Has become rush-hour traffic, in New York City - a dead stop.

Well Evan, the little boy in the movie, is a musical prodigy. The music just comes to him. He hears it in everything, every where he goes. That's me when writing. I see words in every thing I do. I see stories and poems in every thing. It just comes to me. Flows from my fingers to the keyboard. At one point Evan says he loves music more than food. Now while I am a normal pregnant woman and food is VERY important to me, I honestly have always love writing more than food. Writing is life for me. Writing is as much a part of me as breathing. When I was a kid, I swore there were little mice in my head. And every thought I had, every thing I said was written on a huge black chalk board by the little mice in my head. Now as I grew up I realized there weren't any mice in my head. But my point is, that even then every thing was written. Every thought. Every feeling. Every - every thing was written first.

I don't know if everyone is like this. Does everyone have something that they love so much? So deeply? Does everyone have something that they simply aren't complete without? Not a person. Not a place. But a hobby. A passion. A desire greater than yourself. I hope everyone has something like I have writing. Like Evan has music. I can't imagine a life without it. And I don't know that I want to.

For those who care, I loved the movie. I cried the whole time. It just touched me. I've read reviews and it was hated and loathed by the critics. I never trusted them anyway. They are too consumed with the movies having the right balance of this and not too much of that. What a life that must be, to be so consumed with what's lacking that you are unable to be consumed by a story. So yes, if you are one to listen to the critics, then don't watch "August Rush". If, however, you are a romantic and a movie lover. If your goal when watching a movie is to get lost and live someone else's story for a while, then go watch "August Rush". And let a little boy and his love for music and a family he's never known, consume you as much as it consumed me.

One more...CURLS!!!!

8:45:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
look at those curls!
I took this picture for one reason only - look at those CURLS!!!! :) I just love them!

Random Elliott Pics

8:36:00 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Receeding hairline, already?
My poor baby already has a receding hairline!!! lol

Post tubby shivers
All bundled up. Trying to battle the post-tubby shivers.

No more pictures, please
Come on Mom! No more pictures!

Giving Gavin lovin's
Giving Gavin Lovins

Wearing Daddy's shirt
Toddling around in Daddy's shirt

Nap time with Mom
Nap time with Mom

All gone!
He was eating an apple strudel muffin but now it's "All gone". :) lol

12 week Belly Photos

7:31:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Here are my 12 week belly photos. Yeah, I'm late posting them. So sue me. :p lol

12 weeks color
You *know* you're getting big when you don't mind your belly being photographed uncovered. lol

12 weeks black & white
And of course, Rob's favorite...the black & white shot.

13 weeks

7:16:00 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Here's what Ladybug is up to at the moment:
Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head — which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Your baby is almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs nearly an ounce.

I can't believe I'm already 13 weeks. For those who do not follow the trimesters by the development of the fetus; I am now in the 2nd Trimester!!! :)

I haven't had too much cramping the past few days, which is a good thing. I haven't had any more bright red spotting since my last episode on Monday, which is an AWESOME thing! :) I'm still having massive migraines. And I'm having bouts of morning sickness, although it's striking at all times of day and night. There's no rhyme or reason, it just hits me out of the clear blue sky. I'd almost rather have it all the time because then I know I have to take my meds before every single meal. With this random morning sickness stuff, I can't prepare. I could eat breakfast and be fine. Then eat lunch and be *so sick*! Theoretically, it's supposed to end soon. Here's to hoping. *crosses fingers* At least I managed to accomplish some laundry before the morning sickness hit me this afternoon. It felt good to be able to get something done first though.

I think I've felt the baby move a few times. I'm pretty sure that it was the baby because it's right where we saw Ladybug's feet on Sunday in the ER ultrasound and it's always in the same tiny little area. I can't wait until I can tell for sure that it's the baby and it happens more frequently. Right now I'm playing the "was that the baby?" game. lol

Overall, things are pretty quiet on the pregnancy front. *knock on wood* So there really isn't very much to report right now. T-minus 12 days to the next ultrasound.

I think it's time...

8:00:00 AM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
No, no, no! Not *that* time, at least not for a few months anyway. I think it's time to introduce Elliott Richard to the potty. *sigh* My little Twitter Bug is growing up so fast.

Yesterday he decided that he had to pee but didn't want to use his diaper. So he went into Daddy's office and peed on the floor!!! Problem is that it's apparently pretty difficult to control your aim when you have a diaper and pajamas on. So he got most of it all over himself. Being the smart little bug that he is, he then went and sat on the heating vent to try and dry himself off. lol I nixed that idea and plopped him into the bathtub. Where he promptly stood and properly aimed his stream here and there and all over the tub. lol

Then this morning he was in bed snuggling with us and we smelled something amiss. Sure enough, Elliott had left us a present. And to show us, he wiped it on his leg and his forehead! lmao So into the bathtub he went again! lol

We've been kicking around the idea of digging the potty out of "storage" for a while now. But didn't want to freak him out by it. But he's now telling us after he goes that he needs changed. He goes into a private corner to...do his business. And then the mess yesterday. I think it's time they were introduced. With any luck, he'll be mostly potty trained before Ladybug makes her appearance. *crosses fingers*

Change of course

8:16:00 AM Posted In , Edit This 1 Comment »
Okay, so I had my vent. I got it all out, which was good because then I wasn't carrying it around inside. If you read it, thank you. If didn't, that's fine too. Here is what transpired after that...release.

I took a bath. I played with Elliott Richard and he made me laugh so hard I cried. A completely different cry from the hours preceding the play date. It felt wonderful. Then we cuddled and I took him to bed. While he was falling asleep, he kept reaching up and throwing his arms around my neck, squeezing me tightly. Again, I cried. (Hey, I am pregnant after all! lol) Then I decided. I can't change this. I can't fix it. Only God can, not me. So I prayed.

I've been praying a lot lately but it's mainly been "please bless and keep so-an-so" and "please keep and protect us". That sort of thing. Well, last night, I changed my tune a bit. I took a page from some of my new-found "everyday heroes" blogs. I turned it over to God. I asked him (okay, fine! At times I downright begged him...) to keep and protect my little Ladybug. I gave it over to him and I asked for one more miracle.

I feel a little better now about it all. I still cry if I think about it too much. And I spend most of my free time between thoughts praying and turning my little Ladybug over to God. But just like the little voice in my head (not to be confused with the bad voices people hear) yesterday, "If he leads me to it, he'll lead me through it". So, I'm just going to pray like mad and hold tight because it looks as if it's going to be a pretty bumpy ride.

Now there is a chance, that the band isn't there at all. There's a chance my little Ladybug was laying funny. Rob and I talked about it all last night. He kept asking, "Do you trust Dr. D?" and I do. He got me and Elliott Richard through alive and healthy. He's never steered me wrong. He is doing the extra ultrasounds because this is something we need to monitor. But he's also doing the extra ultrasounds because there is a chance we will see my little Ladybug on Jan. 29th and the band will not be there. I had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks and apparently if I had the bands they should have been starting to show up then. But my ultrasound was clean. And his ultrasound tech, Barb, is amazing! So I trust them. I recognize the fact that this is a possibility. But I also recognize the possibility that the ER was wrong.

That being said, if you pray or talk to God or whatever you call it, please pray for us. Pray that our little Ladybug stays put for another 6.5-7 months. Pray that Rob and I are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at us. Pray that the band breaks (or was never there at all). Pray that our wonderful boys continue to grow and thrive (as much as they can). Pray that Rob and I continue to stay strong and turn to each other during this roller coaster ride that is life. Or simply pray for the little things, a good nights sleep, a relaxing bath, good friends, supportive family.

If you are praying for us, thank you. If you are thinking of us, thank you. If you love and support us, please leave us a comment and tell us so. It's nice to know but sometimes it helps to read it also. :) And please know that I love each and every one of you. Only my nearest and dearest have access to my blog, so if you can read this, please know that you are loved. Even if I don't tell you as much as I should.

Right now...

5:26:00 PM Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
We had an ultrasound yesterday in the ER. I don't remember if I mentioned the "band" they saw and at this point I don't care to go back and look. Long story short, they saw a "band". The band is medically referred to as "Amniotic Band Syndrome" feel free to look it up if you would like to be depressed with me. Basically, there is a band - sort of like a rubber band - stretching across my uterus. At this point, the baby is not caught up in the band and this is good. If the baby gets caught up in the band, any number of things could happen. The outcome ranges from nothing happens or the band breaks (best case scenario) to mild deformities (grooves in the skin) to serious deformities (webbed fingers and toes) to critical deformities (amputated hands, feet or limbs).

I am devastated at this very moment. Perhaps later, I will not be devastated. Right now, I am.

Just once in my life, I would like things to go smoothly. I would like to not have a life full of drama. Just once in my life, I would like to catch a break! And not like, "oh look, the baby didn't lose her whole arm"! I want the band to break! I want my baby to come out perfect and on time! I want one blessed break in my life! Is that SO much to ask for? Honestly, is it?!

I keep hearing this little voice in my head "If he leads you to it, he'll lead you through it." But you know what?! I'm flipping tired of being led to it in the first darn place!!! Just once I'd like him to not lead me to it! I'd like him to steer me the other way and say "Nah, you know what, you've had enough so let's try this way instead". Just once I'd like the path I'm on, to not be the path of most resistance! I'd like to see what the path of least resistance is like! Just once. *sobs* Is that really so much to ask? People tell me that God must have great and wonderful things in store for us, what with all the Hell I've endured in my 27 years - specifically the past decade or so. I keep waiting to see just a glimpse of these wonderful things. I keep praying for my break. I keep maintaining faith that it's coming. But you what, I'm not so sure anymore. I just don't feel it anywhere near where I am and I don't know how much longer I can hold out for it.

I've always had the genetic blood testing done during my pregnancies. I always told myself that it wouldn't change anything. And you know what, it wouldn't. In the end, when push comes to shove, it doesn't change anything. But right now, in this very moment, it changed every moment of my life! Right now, it matters. Right now, I'm terrified of that test because of the other problems that are often linked to ABS. Right now, I don't want to know. I don't want ultrasounds every 2 weeks! I don't want the terror of will she be caught or won't she.

Right now, I just want to be left alone. If you love me, thank you. If you're sorry, please don't tell me so. I don't want to hear about a friend of a friend. I don't want to hear that it will be okay. I don't want to talk at all and talking involves listening. Feel free to think I'm being a brat. Feel free to think I'm handling this poorly. Right now, I just need to...feel what I need to feel. If you'd like to leave a comment so I can read it when I'm in a better place, please do. If you'd like to pray that the band breaks, by all means! We could use all the extra prayer power we can get.

But please, for the love of God, if you decide to look ABS up on the Internet DO NOT SHARE WHAT YOU FOUND WITH ME!!!! I don't care. I don't want to know. I already read more than I should have. So please just keep your new found knowledge TO YOURSELF! Thanks.

Another Sunday, another trip to the ER

5:35:00 PM Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
*sigh* Rob and I spent a good part of the day in the Emergency Room. Gavin spent the day with Grandma W. (thank you!) and Elliott Richard spent the day with his Aunt Kate (thank you too). I woke up this morning with more cramping only this time it was pretty strong. A little while later I had some more cramping and some bright red spotting, which is never a good thing. I told Rob and we talked for a while about what we should do. Eventually we settled on Rob calling Dr. D's office while I took a bath. The nurse wanted us to go to the ER, so we did after my Mom and Kate showed up to pick-up the boys. The receptionist was really nice. The triage nurse was super nice too. They got me in right away and the head of the ER was my doctor. I was thrilled because he was really nice. Completely different from the jerk I had last time - thank God! My nurse came in and she tried to find the heartbeat. She tried for 20+ minutes. Nada. I was so devastated. I just kept thinking "oh my God, I'm going to have to have a D&C." and "my baby is dead. I don't know how to deal with this." I felt as if someone had just dropped the weight of the world on my chest and walked away. So she went and got another nurse. Rob knew the new nurse from his days running calls as a paramedic. It took her maybe another 10 minutes before she actually found it. She found it and we listened for a few moments but I was too overwhelmed to say anything. So when she was done she went back and listened again to make sure I had heard it. After that came the nasty, uncomfortable medical stuff - I'll spare you guys those details. ;) They took some blood to check my hormone levels. Then I had an ultrasound. We got to see our little "Ladybug". All ten little fingers and toes. Her ribs. Both hemispheres of the brain. The u/s tech tried to see what the sex was because *sometimes* (not very often) you can see this early. No dice though. So until 20 weeks I will continue to maintain hope and call her "Ladybug". :) She was sleeping and had both hands up by her face. Her feet were crossed at the ankles - so even if we could tell the sex, I don't know that we would have been able to see it. They said everything looked really good except they saw a "band" some where that it shouldn't be but they weren't sure what it was. For now, I have what is medically referred to as a "threatened abortion". I hate that term. It's horrible. It means that if things don't improve then a miscarriage ("spontaneous abortion") will occur. The doctor said that a miscarriage at this stage is not in any way my fault. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It's just one of those things. He also said that with their first child, his wife had cramping and bright-red spotting throughout the *whole pregnancy*. Now they have a 20 year old son who was normal until he became a teenager. lol Then he spoke with Dr. D before they could discharge me. Dr. D has put me a few more restrictions - no walking the mall, no exercise (like that was a big part of my life before lol) and that sort of thing. I have to call tomorrow and see Dr. D sometime in the next 3 days.

For now, it's really good that we still have a heartbeat and that Ladybug was moving around during the ultrasound. Granted there wasn't a ton of movement but it was more like "leave me alone and stop pushing on me" kind of movement. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get. So that's my very busy, "exciting" and terrifying Sunday.

On a semi-funny note...when we first got into my room and the ER doc came in he looked at me and said, "I was reviewing your chart. Then I realized that you're pregnant *again* after numerous hospital stays, preterm labor *and* a DVT. You are one *brave* woman." I chuckled and said, "I'm not sure it's bravery so much as it's stupidity." He laughed and said, "I think it's bravery." All I know, is that my Ladybug is only 12 weeks 4 days old and already I can't imagine life without her.

If you are the praying kind, please pray for us - me and Ladybug, that the pregnancy stablizes and everything is okay. And pray for Rob because everything is going to be very reliant on him from now on - me, the boys, everything. He will have a lot of responsibility placed on him that we would otherwise be sharing. Pray that the boys make it through this ordeal in one piece too. Pray that the placenta reattaches and everything moves along as normal.

Ah...true love...

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