Bed Rest ~ Day 15
2:14:00 PM Posted In 2 years , 22 weeks , Bed Rest , Elliott Richard , Gavin , Life , Pregnancy , Stressed/Exhausted , Vent , Worries Edit This 8 Comments »
My family is falling apart.
I don't blog about Gavin very often because I don't know how to "spin" it without making him out to be a monster or painting a rosier picture than is true. He isn't a monster. He's a beautiful little boy with a compassionate soul. He's also so difficult to control anymore. And to make matters worse, some people don't see how he's difficult to control so they think it's just us. Do I deny that he feeds off of our stress levels? No. Do I think our stress levels are the be-all end-all of his mood swings? No.
Gavin is Autistic. He is bi-polar. He is being medicated to bring him out of his manic phase. However, we are without a mood stabilizer so he's just being boomer-ranged into a depressive phase. He is a teeter-totter. Manic. Depressive. Manic. Depressive. Psychotic. Violent. Psychotic. Violent. It's 6 of one, half a dozen of another at this point.
When Gavin is manic, he gets sucked totally and completely into his own little world. Even more than what happens normally with Autistic children. He begins talking to people who are not there. It is next to impossible to get his attention and draw him out of his own little world. He is not a danger to himself or anyone else. But he's also on a completely different planet.
When Gavin is depressive, he's angry and violent. He has little to no fuse. No patience for anyone or anything. If we tell him "no", all Hell breaks loose. He claims he's "starving" and demands to eat but then he takes two bites and refuses to finish. He's lashing out at Elliott Richard for nothing at all. If Elliott dares to touch Gavin, Gavin will throw an elbow or a fist at him. And it's only getting worse.
We find ourselves, once again, faced with the decision of whether or not we should send him to inpatient treatment. We find ourselves, by Gavin's doctors admission; facing the fact that what's best for everyone, may not be what we want to do.
At this point we have one of three options available to us.
Honestly, I don't like any of those options. The lesser of the three evils are 1 and 2. I would do 3 if Pattie and Dr. R felt it was necessary. Even 1 and 2 leave me feeling guilty and less of a mother. However, when I take a step back I realize that Gavin is having a greater effect on our family than is noticeable at first. Elliott Richard has started to mimic Gavin's behaviors. There's the very basic fact that I'm being asked to choose between my children. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to live with that. I feel as if I'm being asked to sacrifice one to spare the other. And again, I don't know how to deal with that.
There's so much looming over me right now. I'm stuck on this stupid God-forsaken couch and people keep dumping their crap on me! People call to see how I'm doing and dump their troubles on my couch on the way. Rob comes through and dumps his crap on my couch as he passes. Gavin just dumps his crap everywhere. And then I have the added stress of trying to find a balance between over-analyzing every little thing and making sure that I do what's best for Tiny. No one truly realizes just how difficult it is to be me right now.
I pray that you'll hear me when I say this: There are no cabana boys here! No daily massages. No bon-bons on a silver tray. No pretty drinks with umbrellas. It's me. On the couch. In my living room. Trying desperately to find something on 120 channels of NOTHING to watch. So I record every episode of Law & Order: SVU and Criminal Intent ever made because those are the only shows I can stand to watch over and over again. I cross stitch. I nap. I eat. I take potty breaks. Again I beg you, hear me when I say this: that is my life! From 7:00am to midnight, that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.
When I ask for help, it feels as if I'm being humored. When I beg for help, I end up feeling blown off or ignored. Do people not realize that I would love to have my biggest concerns "how many birthday parties I have to attend" or "where I'm going to drink myself into oblivion for St. Patrick's Day". I wish my days weren't spent with the following thoughts cycling through my head:
Do any of you know what that's like?! Do any of you know how it feels to know that you are responsible for getting this tiny new life through to the end? Do any of you know how it feels to know that you could do everything right and it still not be enough? Do you know how it feels to know that even if (because it is an IF at this point) we make it to the end, it may not be close enough to the end? Or it may not matter anyway?
Some days I can't help but wonder, do any of you even care? Granted I'm pregnant and hormonal. I'm carrying your unborn niece/nephew. Your grandson. Your great-grandson. Your cousin. And yet no one can be bothered to go out of their way for us. Three people call me or text me in any given day. Three people email me on a consistent basis: Julie (without her right now I'd be lost), Tammy (my sidelines buddy) and Kelly (my other sidelines buddy). I have received two cards in the mail: one from Great Grandma Gene and one from Merrilee.
I understand that people are busy. I know that you all have your own lives. So if you can't call me, fine. (And honestly all the talking on the phone can be quite exhausting.) Send me an email. Or a card in the mail. (I keep all of my cards for Tiny's hatbox.) Send me a text message while you watch television. (I have unlimited texting now.) Heck, send me smoke signals! I'm desperate here. I'm dying to feel like I'm still a part of the world. I'm dying to feel like people care what the heck happens to us while we are locked away in our own little Hell.
15 down ~ 120 to go
I don't blog about Gavin very often because I don't know how to "spin" it without making him out to be a monster or painting a rosier picture than is true. He isn't a monster. He's a beautiful little boy with a compassionate soul. He's also so difficult to control anymore. And to make matters worse, some people don't see how he's difficult to control so they think it's just us. Do I deny that he feeds off of our stress levels? No. Do I think our stress levels are the be-all end-all of his mood swings? No.
Gavin is Autistic. He is bi-polar. He is being medicated to bring him out of his manic phase. However, we are without a mood stabilizer so he's just being boomer-ranged into a depressive phase. He is a teeter-totter. Manic. Depressive. Manic. Depressive. Psychotic. Violent. Psychotic. Violent. It's 6 of one, half a dozen of another at this point.
When Gavin is manic, he gets sucked totally and completely into his own little world. Even more than what happens normally with Autistic children. He begins talking to people who are not there. It is next to impossible to get his attention and draw him out of his own little world. He is not a danger to himself or anyone else. But he's also on a completely different planet.
When Gavin is depressive, he's angry and violent. He has little to no fuse. No patience for anyone or anything. If we tell him "no", all Hell breaks loose. He claims he's "starving" and demands to eat but then he takes two bites and refuses to finish. He's lashing out at Elliott Richard for nothing at all. If Elliott dares to touch Gavin, Gavin will throw an elbow or a fist at him. And it's only getting worse.
We find ourselves, once again, faced with the decision of whether or not we should send him to inpatient treatment. We find ourselves, by Gavin's doctors admission; facing the fact that what's best for everyone, may not be what we want to do.
At this point we have one of three options available to us.
1) We continue with life as it is. Gavin at home and daily glimpses of Hell. Gavin will spend much of his free time playing in his room in an attempt to keep him separated from Elliott Richard (in order to protect Elliott Richard).
2) We make arrangements with the grandparents. Rob's parents take him during the day (during Spring Break) and after school once it resumes. My mother takes him after she gets off work. And we would take Gavin to all his appointments with Pattie and Dr. R. And he would come home on the weekends.
3) We visit an inpatient treatment facility and make arrangements to have Gavin admitted. This will be difficult because of the financial aspect of it, but that can be arranged.
Honestly, I don't like any of those options. The lesser of the three evils are 1 and 2. I would do 3 if Pattie and Dr. R felt it was necessary. Even 1 and 2 leave me feeling guilty and less of a mother. However, when I take a step back I realize that Gavin is having a greater effect on our family than is noticeable at first. Elliott Richard has started to mimic Gavin's behaviors. There's the very basic fact that I'm being asked to choose between my children. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to live with that. I feel as if I'm being asked to sacrifice one to spare the other. And again, I don't know how to deal with that.
There's so much looming over me right now. I'm stuck on this stupid God-forsaken couch and people keep dumping their crap on me! People call to see how I'm doing and dump their troubles on my couch on the way. Rob comes through and dumps his crap on my couch as he passes. Gavin just dumps his crap everywhere. And then I have the added stress of trying to find a balance between over-analyzing every little thing and making sure that I do what's best for Tiny. No one truly realizes just how difficult it is to be me right now.
I pray that you'll hear me when I say this: There are no cabana boys here! No daily massages. No bon-bons on a silver tray. No pretty drinks with umbrellas. It's me. On the couch. In my living room. Trying desperately to find something on 120 channels of NOTHING to watch. So I record every episode of Law & Order: SVU and Criminal Intent ever made because those are the only shows I can stand to watch over and over again. I cross stitch. I nap. I eat. I take potty breaks. Again I beg you, hear me when I say this: that is my life! From 7:00am to midnight, that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.
When I ask for help, it feels as if I'm being humored. When I beg for help, I end up feeling blown off or ignored. Do people not realize that I would love to have my biggest concerns "how many birthday parties I have to attend" or "where I'm going to drink myself into oblivion for St. Patrick's Day". I wish my days weren't spent with the following thoughts cycling through my head:
"am I doing enough to protect Tiny"
"how do I protect Elliott Richard from Gavin"
"how do I protect Gavin from himself"
"how do I help Rob without endangering Tiny"
"should I call Dr. D"
"if I go to L&D will they even take me seriously"
"was that another contraction? how many does that make now?"
Do any of you know what that's like?! Do any of you know how it feels to know that you are responsible for getting this tiny new life through to the end? Do any of you know how it feels to know that you could do everything right and it still not be enough? Do you know how it feels to know that even if (because it is an IF at this point) we make it to the end, it may not be close enough to the end? Or it may not matter anyway?
Some days I can't help but wonder, do any of you even care? Granted I'm pregnant and hormonal. I'm carrying your unborn niece/nephew. Your grandson. Your great-grandson. Your cousin. And yet no one can be bothered to go out of their way for us. Three people call me or text me in any given day. Three people email me on a consistent basis: Julie (without her right now I'd be lost), Tammy (my sidelines buddy) and Kelly (my other sidelines buddy). I have received two cards in the mail: one from Great Grandma Gene and one from Merrilee.
I understand that people are busy. I know that you all have your own lives. So if you can't call me, fine. (And honestly all the talking on the phone can be quite exhausting.) Send me an email. Or a card in the mail. (I keep all of my cards for Tiny's hatbox.) Send me a text message while you watch television. (I have unlimited texting now.) Heck, send me smoke signals! I'm desperate here. I'm dying to feel like I'm still a part of the world. I'm dying to feel like people care what the heck happens to us while we are locked away in our own little Hell.
15 down ~ 120 to go
8 Comments:
I wish I could say the right words. I wish I could take the kids off your hands. You know I would! I miss talking to you..I'm just don't want to take a chance calling when your trying to get those 2 minutes of sleep. I do know there is another care package commin soon ;). Unfortinitly may have to wait till my monster is back in school. I havn't been able to take him nowhere lately (everything overstimulates him). I know when I was prego's with Jen I wasn't on bed rest. but I had no car 1 bedroom apartment and nowhere close enough to walk to for anything. I sort of understand the boredom and tears and feeling so alone. I really really hope some people wake up see that you need some visits or just a quick hello on phone. I know you would do same for all of them. As for Gavin I went through the hospital thing...it sucked. But you go with what your heart mind and soul says for to help your family and Gavin. Don't go by what others say noone is in your shoes but YOU. You see him everyday you feel in your heart what you feel and if your mind says send him then its the right thing to do. I would do the same thing hun. If you need to talk pleaseeeeee call me...like I said I don't know when best time is to call. love and hugs and all the prayers we can send!!!
(((((((((((((((((Lizze)))))))))))))
Good for you for speaking your mind - I'm so proud of you that you are saying what you need to say and asking for what you need. I know it's hard to do that, especially when you are feeling abandoned or helpless. If I wasn't also bedridden I'd be flying out to visit and entertain you. ;)
I'm sorry you're faced with such a painful set of choices for Gavin - I can't even imagine how that must feel right now. But you're so bright and loving that no matter what you and Rob choose to do will be the right choice given the circumstances. Sending some extra prayers and positive thoughts your way to help give you the strength and peace you need to decide which path will be best for your precious babies (all of them).
Email me anytime, or all the time - I love getting email and heck, I've got the time! LOL
Talk to you soon!!!
No. No, no, no! Here is my internet bit*h-slap. I don't ever, ever want to hear you say this phrase again: "There's the very basic fact that I'm being asked to choose between my children." Honey, you are so wrong that I could just drive 14 or 16 hours or whatever to your house and [gently] shake some sense into you. Do you hear what you said in that sentence? Can you honestly say that if you sent Gavin to an inpatient or residential facility that it would not be for the good of each and every member of your family? Let me paint a picture for you. Gavin is 14 and he's now bigger than you. What do you do when he lashes out, not because he's a bad kid but because he's autistic and bipolar and those actions are his norm? How do you control a child who is larger than you, how do you protect not only yourself and your other children, but how do you protect Gavin from himself? You have got to get yourself to a place where you accept and actually BELIEVE that anything you do, you're also doing for him. Anyone who knows you knows that you wouldn't send him away because you just don't want to deal with him. Lizze, pleae don't be hard on yourself. It kills me. One day it won't be Elliot Richard that gets the elbow or the fist, it will be a mirror or a window or a wall, and it will be Gavin that is seriously injured. You are not trying to protect one child from another. You're trying to help and protect each of your children. You would never be "sending him away." It wouldn't be like that. You have to know that. Mothers have to make hard choices sometimes. As a mother you should know...a real mother, a caring and a good mother is going to make the choices that will be best for each and every one of her children. I'm sure those are exceedingly difficult choices. It has got to be gut-wrenching. But you're kidding yourself if you ever think you wouldn't have Gavin's best interest at heart. You so obviously do every single day. But life is not Gavin. Life is Gavin and Elliot and Lizze and Rob and Tiny. What choice will be best for EVERY member of your family? I know you'd never make a choice that wouldn't be the best one for each of you. And you certainly would never choose one child over another.
April, now you've gone and made me cry. :) This is why I love you so very much...you have the perspective that I so desperately need right now. You have the experience with the system and the compassionate soul to allow you to show me the light at the end of the tunnel I so desperately need. And they you point out that it really isn't a train. ;)
I love you my dear friend. Thank you.
Hi Lizze,
I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you and your family right now. I know that you are doing everything you can to help all the members of your family and maintain your own health as well. It must be terribly frustrating. I just want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need me, and having worked at an inpatient psych unit, I can give you all the ins and outs of that system if you'd like. Send me an email if you'd like my phone number. Let me know what you need!
tressafrench1122@yahoo.com
Lizze,
I just "dropped by" today to check on you and I see that life is throwing you some pretty wretched curve balls right now. I don't pretend to know where you are spiritually, but I do know that I am praying for you...everyday. I often try to remember that God told us He would never put any more on us than we could handle...sometimes I wish He didn't think we could handle so much. But, I have to believe that you must be an incredibly STRONG woman.
You decision concerning your children must be...well, hard, just seems inadequate to describe it. But, I too have seen children, teens, adults flourish in inpatient settings where they were only lashing out in their homes. I'm not saying this is your answer, I don't know you or your family personally, but I am saying that sometimes the most difficult choice can be the right choice. From the responses you have received from your friends, I don't think anyone who knows you thinks that you would be making your decision with a selfish heart.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi. =) You don't know me, but I found you through craziinlove's blog.
I have no clue how you feel, or what you are going through. I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you. =) I am online all the time, so if you ever want someone to chat with, please, feel free! (gdy2shoes23@gmail.com)
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us.
Thank you
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