Cheerio Confessions

That's a play on words of sorts from a standup commedien, Ron White. He does a bit called, "They call me...Tatter Salad". (Please keep in mind that Ron White is part of the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" and they are hilarious but they aren't always...kid (or mother-in-law) friendly. ;) lol Also the audio works for this clip but the video didn't work for me, just an FYI.)

I'm slowly going stir crazy, already. I'm so uncomfortable, which doesn't bode well for the next 20 weeks. My RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is in full swing but I can't do the things I need to make it go away. I can't get up and walk or stretch on the stairs because of the pelvic pressure. I tried taking a warm bath to help with the RLS and in the hopes that a bath would relax me enough to give me a break in the cramps/contractions. No such luck. It didn't accomplish anything on either front. My legs are still "twitchy" and my cramps haven't given up. Elliott Richard has gotten really clingy over the past few days, which isn't helping either. He wants to be right on top of me, all the time.

Believe it or not there are people out there who think bed rest should be "easy". After all, we're just laying around, watching television and eating bon-bons; right? WRONG!!! Bed rest is un-nerving, emotionally and physically draining. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the bed rest or the baby that sucks more out of me. Both literally and figuritively speaking, of course.

I've been cruising the net lately and I came across a blog written by a women while on bedrest. Okay, I've found two. Shannon is still on bed rest. Ashley also kept a blog while on bed rest but she's since given birth. Ashley's is so cute because each title is the Day of bed rest that she's on. That doesn't really work for me because I've been on "light-modified bed rest" for about 7 weeks. Now I'm moved to the more typical "modified bed rest". The only step left is "strict bed rest". For bed rest type definitions see below. Keep in mind these are the definitions as written for me by Dr. D and they may vary from case to case, doctor to doctor.

light-modified bed rest: brief trips out and about, no bending over, no
lifting, don't carry anything "heavier than my dinner plate" (especially lifting
and carrying Elliott Richard), light chores (dishes, loading washer and dryer,
sweeping etc), limited stair use, unlimited shower and bathroom privileges,
rest as much as possible without being a couch-potato

modified bed rest: limited trip out and about, still no bending, no
lifting, don't carry anything "heavier than my dinner plate" (still includes
Elliot Richard), no chores (light or otherwise), stairs are permitted but
frowned upon, brief shower and bathroom privileges, rest as much as possible (preferably on my left side while drinking water)

strict bed rest: the couch/bed is your home, you have no life, you leave
the house only to go to the OB's office, no stairs, forget about shower and
bathroom privileges, count your blessings if you aren't in the hospital

I've been having a lot of cramping and contractions today. I'm having 3-4 contractions an hour. I'm supposed to call once I have 4-6 an hour, so I'm still okay for now. Which is a good thing since there's about 3 inches of snow outside and we're due to get 5-8 inches before all is said and done. Needless to say, somedays I can get up more than others. Today isn't one of those days. I've been on the couch pretty much all day. It's not helping much, except the cramps get worse when I get up and move around...as does the pressure. So here I shall stay, at least for the rest of the day.

Gavin is at my mother's (Thanks Mom!) to spend the night - but realistically, he'll probably be there until Sunday because of the snow. He's excited about it and they have a huge hill for a front yard so at least he can go sledding. He'll have a blast and we'll get a brief break. It's win, win for everyone. ;)

I am writing this simply to vent.

I am so tired and overwhelmed. I have gone as far as I think I can go. Very little I do ever seems to make any major impact on our family in a positive way. I don't know what we are going to do in the coming months. I have a house on Monday but that is it for awhile. I get things here and there but nothing steady until later this spring. We just dug the foundation for the newest house so it will be about 2 months away. I get a few computers in for repair and some VHS tapes to convert to DVD and that helps both financially and emotionally. I love computers and working on them is an escape for me.

My medic card expired this week and I couldn't even afford to renew that. I haven't used it in a few years because of everything going on in our lives. I went to school 7 days a week for a year. I logged hundreds for clinical hours and have treated hundreds and hundreds of patients over the course of my short lived career. My ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card is gone and I need 200 hrs of CE in order to renew my card. I just can't justify spending $400 or $500 to recert something I will probably never use again. Being a medic was the only part of me left from my previous life (I know that might sound bad but it was the only way I could think of to describe it). I would give up anything for my family without hesitation. I think I'll have to close that chapter of my life as well now. That makes me very sad.....

Nothing we do ever seems to help Gavin anymore. I know some of you can relate to us on that one. The school says they are seeing his hyperactivity decrease slightly but the anger and frustration are returning. Lizze got to go get a small (very well deserved) break last night. She went to visit her cousin who just had a baby.

She was only gone for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity. The kids were a struggle the whole time and I swear I was going to just lose my mind. Elliott kept giving me hugs and wanting me to re-start Lazytown. I have grown very unfond of Lazytown. Gavin kept melting down over everything or bringing me pictures of "Surgery Sonic". And since I can hear everyone asking what "Surgery Sonic" is I'll tell you. It is a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog (that Gavin has been drawing, even though we try our best to stop it) cut open right down the middle with all of his organs hanging out. He then makes a maze using Sonics intestines, blood vessels and various other internal body parts. Very, very creepy. Please God, Please let the medicine work a little sooner because I don't know what to do with that stuff.

It is amazing how dependent Lizze and I have become on each other over the years. As a team we somehow survive each day. "Survive", I guess that's a great way to describe our lives right now. We are struggling to simply survive. We are living our lives second by second. There is no looking forward to anything because each day brings us yet another problem to add to the pile of already unmanageable problems... Together we seem to somehow find our why through the all the chaos. I take comfort in knowing she is there. I KNOW I would not be able to do this without her.

Poor Elliott doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He is obviously stressed and it breaks my heart to think his life is going to be anything like what we have endured. We haven't even had a birthday party for Elliott because we can't figure out how to handle Gavin and a small party at the same time. Tiny just seems to keep hanging on and we are so grateful for that. I live for the days we get to hear the heart beat. For that brief moment everything is ok. Everywhere we go Elliott is saying "Daddy,Daddy" over and over. I can't explain to you what that feels like to hear that. The unconditional love of Elliott breathes life back into me and helps me to keep going through all the back pain and emotional turmoil. I hope someday I will be able to give my family the life they deserve. Not a perfect life but a life where we can all be together and happy and healthy.

Thanks for listening...

It has recently been brought to my attention (through an old email I didn't know I had received until just now) that I may have hurt some feelings along the way with this blog. I assure that while I'm sure some of the things I have said have hurt, it was never my intention to directly hurt anyone. For better (and at times for worse) I have written about things I have come across. I strive in everyday life to live as openly as possible. (I've found it's makes it much more difficult for nay-sayers to cast doubt upon me if I start out by hiding nothing.) Unfortunately, there can be "collateral damage" when living as openly as possible.

To those whom I have hurt, please know that I am very sorry. Some things were posted to make you think. So things were posted because I needed to simply get them out and right now, this is my only outlet. Some things were posted to bring my feelings to light. (While I strive to live openly, I have learned that there are some who do not care to hear what others think, feel or believe. Even when I may have been asked to share those things.) I never intended to hurt with my words though.

So I'm sorry.

What Tiny's up to this week: Fetal development in pregnancy week 20:fetus in fifth month This week you're carrying about 10.5 inches and 10.5 ounces of solid baby-miracle-goodness! Their little delicate bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads are finishing up. Your little monkey now has teeth buds, although they’re hidden beneath the gum line. And finally! Their limbs have reached their relative proportions—no more alien baby! Their cute pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking. If you have a little boy, then their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall. What’s more, eyelashes and eyebrows are also visible. At this point, your little one really looks like a miniature baby—and we do mean miniature as your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their final birth weight. With half the pregnancy behind you, the most significant gains are yet to come!

Rob rearranged the living room this morning for me. To make things easier for me, while I'm camped out. It's nice because now the boys won't be tripping over my power cord for the laptop. And I'm right by the window, so I feel a little more attached to the outside world.

Tiny has been moving and grooving like crazy the past few days. Of course, yesterday during ultrasound (when they wanted movement) Tiny wasn't playing along. Afterward the appointment and today though, all over the place. lol

Elliott Richard has discovered ranch dressing! Ssssshhhhh, don't tell Rob. He'll be mortified, he hates ranch dressing. lol I had carrots with dressing with my lunch and he stole my leftovers, which he's eating as I type this. ;) He just looked up at me so sweetly and said "Have?" I told him he could have it and now he's thrilled. lol

Well, I'm at home with Gavin (who is sound asleep in bed). I'm supposed to be on the couch but my laptop died - again! Such are the joys of having a laptop that is nearly 10 years old with no battery life! So I gave up and came in Rob's office to use the desktop. Rob took Elliott Richard out for ice cream for his birthday. And so it begins...

I knew this was coming. I knew that statistically I was bound to have preterm labor issues because of all the issues I had with Elliott Richard. I just wasn't prepared for those issues to show up now. I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. I had my 20 week appointment and ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, March 6th. They moved both up to this afternoon because of the cramps, contractions, pain and pressure. Not to mention the placenta previa issues and things aren't looking pretty. (Much like Rob's desktop if it doesn't learn to keep up with my 75 wpm typing speed! ARGH!)

The ultrasound was first. Barb spent a good 45 mins to an hour with us. It was nice. Tiny is once again, absolutely perfect. She showed us the nose (nostrils and all!) and we were able to see that everything is perfectly formed with no cleft pallet. (Yay!) We saw all 10 fingers and toes, still no clubbed foot. (Yay!) All the different parts of the brain, present and accounted for. (Yay!) Measuring right on target. (Yay!) Plenty of amniotic fluid. (Yay!) Still no bands. (Double yay!) Placenta is looking good but the placement still isn't great. (Eh.) We got 3 really cute pictures of Tiny doing some thumb sucking. (I'll scan them and post them later.) Barb was struggling to see Tiny's heart because of the funky position Tiny was lying in but she finally got a few shots of what she needed. (Usually Tiny's moves all over the place when the doppler is placed on my belly, I'm thinking the lack of running was a testiment to the lack of room inside. lol)

After the ultrasound, we saw Dr. D. Here are the stats:

Weight 167lb.
BP 110/63
Tiny's HB (heartbeat) 155bpm

We spoke with the nurse about the cramps, contractions, pain and pressure. Then Dr. D came in with one of my favorite nurses, Lori. We talked to them about everything. Unfotunately, at 20 weeks there isn't much that can be done. The few things I know about that will help, I can't have/use/benefit from until 24 weeks. So until then, it's more rest. Less activity. Medication for the pain. Appointments every 2 weeks rather than every 4. Still my weekly pow-wows with Lisa and her needle. Dr. D said that if/when I reach 24 weeks, 28 weeks, 32 weeks, and 36 weeks he will do a dance each time. I asked him if this was "the beginning of the end" and he said "Yeah, now we wait."

I've cried so much today my eyes hurt. I've cried because I love our little Tiny so very much that the thought of not making it to 24 weeks (the age of viability in Ohio) is crushing. I cried because it's days like today that remind me that I can do everything right (I don't smoke - haven't for years. I don't drink hardly ever. I don't do illegal drugs ever. And I certainly don't do any of that while pregnant!) and I still have to fight a battle I may very well not win. While there are women who do everything "wrong" - they smoke, drink, and do drugs - while pregnant and have perfect, healthy, full-term babies! I cried because I'm already missing out on things - Elliott Richard's birthday ice cream, CATS - and I've got (hopefully) 20 weeks to go. I cried because I feel so alone.

Welp, I just heard from the nurse. She said that Dr. D wants me to come in at 3:00pm for an emergency ultrasound and appointment. Fun. Fun.

I wonder if this will be my 20 wk ultrasound even though I'm not 20 wks until tomorrow. Or will I get to see Tiny twice in one week?! :)

I'm hanging out on the couch because I got up to get more water a few minutes ago and the pressure returned. It's not looking good folks. I wonder if I can get an emergency absentee ballot?

Now would be the time to jump start your prayer engines. Pray that the ultrasound shows a healthy Tiny. No placenta previa (another concern as of late - can't remember if I ever posted about that). No cervical changes. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

My Matria nurse just left. I've now had 2 of my 18 injections. Let me just tell you, my butt is killing me!!!! And I know it's all psychological but the right side (today's site) hurts. The left side (last week's site) itches. I think it's sympathy "pains". lol

Things in general are looking kind of hairy at this point. I've been having cramping and contractions pretty steady (not timable) yesterday and I woke up with them this morning. I've also been having these strange sharp pains in my cervix off and on with some pressure but nothing major. She's already telling me to talk to my OB about the terb pump (the link for the blog of a fellow high risk pregnant mom on bed rest because I can't find any better info about the terb pump! Shannon knows more than anyone else I've found. lol) and home monitor. I told her that Matria wouldn't allow me to have the monitor until 24 wks but I wasn't sure about the terb pump.*sigh*

Lisa, my nurse, said that my OB gets copies of her weekly reports but she doesn't want me to wait for him to get that. She wants me to call and update him. So I'm currently waiting for my Dr. D's office to call me back. The nurse I spoke with was new and she said that he probably wouldn't want to see me. Of course, she's also so new that she still doesn't know me. All the other nurses know me by name, on sight or by the sound of my voice! But I'll wait. With any luck he'll just want to increase my bed rest and not see me. Ah well, a girl can dream. *sigh*

I'm having such mixed feelings lately. I'm now half way, well tomorrow by my calendars. I really don't want to be half way. I don't want this pregnancy to end because it is most likely my last. I certainly didn't want any of this to happen again. I figured it would but I had hoped I would at least make it to 27 wks again. Looks like no luck. I just want to make it as close to 36 wks as possible. I don't care the Hell I have to live through to get there. I just want a healthy baby.

So...we left off with Elliott Richard making his grand gesture toward freedom...a slow leak in my bag of water. I woke up on Friday, March 3rd, 2006 at around 9:00am. I remember thinking then, "I think I'm leaking fluid." However, I had experienced similar sensations throughout the pregnancy and each was a false alarm. I was determined to be certain that I was leaking before I called anyone!

So we spent the day as we had spent the few before it...walking the local Wal*Mart trying to get my contractions closer than 20 minutes apart. We walked and walked and walked. Then we picked Gavin up from school. Finally, after all that walking and steady trickle I finally called Dr. D's office. It was around 5:00pm. I called my mom and made arrangements for her to get Gavin. While Rob was on the phone with Dr. D's after hour nurse. After we had everyone situated we grabbed my bag and headed off to L&D.

We left the bag and cameras and whatnot in the car because we honestly didn't think it was the real deal. I also didn't stop at Wendy's like I wanted to because I was so sure that we would be released. I figured I would just stop on our way home. Big mistake!

We got there. They checked me - not dilating. (Surprise. Surprise.) Then they "humored" me and checked to see if my water had broken and was leaking. Although they made it clear that they felt it hadn't. Imagine everyone's surprise when they came in and confirmed that I was leaking. (lol) The time to be enduced had finally arrived. (Woo who?)

Then came the mad scramble.

I was being admitted to the hospital. They were arranging for an actual delivery room. Rob was calling family and friends. I sent a text message to Sam telling her that it was in fact time. (She and Rob were my coaches.) She called me and asked if she had enough time to stop and eat. I said yeah she should be fine. Rob went and grabbed the bag and cameras from the car. The staff moved me to my actual L&D room and the fun began...

My IV was started. Pitocin was on board. As was an antibiotic because I had tested positive for Strep B and because my water had most likely been leaking since 9:00am that morning (it was now around 7:00pm) and that increased the chance of infection for both me and Elliott Richard. Once the pit started my contractions finally became more frequent and slightly stronger. From about 7:00pm (when the pit was started) and midnight, I was handling everything pretty well. I was laughing and joking and talking through the contractions. I had to stop and pause with a few of them but they really weren't too bad. Especially compared to the contractions I had with Gavin while on pit. Those were nasty.

At around midnight, they came in and completely broke my water. I had been leaking up to this point but just small amounts. In order for labor to really progress my water needed to be completely broken so that my uterus could fully contract. Once they broke my water completely, I was begging Sam to kick everyone out of the room. I just couldn't hold up the "happy go-lucky pregnant woman in labor" song and dance anymore. Shortly after she sent everyone home I got my epidural. (I'm a huge fan of the epidural!)

Even with the epidural, I was feeling most of my contractions. My legs were numb and tingly and next to impossible for me to move, which made me slightly panicy. But the contractions were still there. They checked me at about 2:00am, I think, and I was something like 6-7cm dilated. At that point, everyone was guesstimating a late morning delivery. Rob and Sam tried to make themselve comfortable in very uncomfortable chairs and get some sleep. I tried to sleep but there was no point. I was still feel too much of the contractions to make real sleep possible. So I sat and watched TV. (For what it's worth, this is when I realized that "late night television" aside from Jay Leno et al is simply "day time television" all over again. Huge disappointment for someone desperately looking for a distraction.)

I think I dozed off and on for a little while. Then at about 5:00am I woke up. And I mean, I.Woke.Up! The contractions were pushing right through the epidural. I suddenly felt really funny too. I could describe it. I don't remember feeling that way with Gavin. I just felt...panicy and "off".

I tried to wake Rob but he's a pretty heavy sleeper and he was out! So I woke Sam up. I vaguely remember her asking me what I wanted her to do and I said I didn't know but something had changed. She left to grab a nurse. The nurse checked me (I think it was more of a technicality than anything at that point.) and was shocked to find me fully dilated, fully effaced and ready to go.

It was time! And I was terrified.

Sam woke Rob up. The nurse grabbed Dr. D. They prepped Elliott's bed. The funny thing is that all of this is going on. I'm feeling the contractions and the need to push but I have to wait because they weren't ready. And what I really remember about those moments, was the intern. (lol) Prior to my delivery Dr. D and I had discussed interns and med students in general. I said I would permit them to check my progress during labor but that when it came time to catch, they weren't allowed in the same room. Period. (This stems from Gavin's delivery.) I only permitted them to check my progress so that Dr. D could sleep and whatnot. Well, here we were... go time. And Dr. D's shy little intern comes over and asks if I will allow him to stay. He said he wouldn't touch anything, he just wanted to watch because he hadn't seen a vaginal delivery yet. I said he could stay. He could watch. He touched nothing!

I don't really remember pushing. I don't remember the pain of those contractions. I just remember being amazed that I had managed to push him out so quickly.

Elliott Richard was born on Saturday, March 4th, 2006 @ 5:20am. He weighed 7 lb 8oz and was 19 inches long.

In those first few moments after his birth, my emotions ran the gamut. I was thrilled. Then I was crushed. When they handed Elliott to me he didn't cry so much as grunt. I tried to calm and soothe him. But I couldn't. He just kept grunting. I thought for sure it had to do with me. It devasted me.

Rob held him. Sam held him, I think. We took gobs of pictures and video. We introduced Gavin to his baby brother. And then Elliott to his grandparents. Then the nursery staff took him from us for a bath and testing.

After I was all cleaned up and stitched up they wheeled me to my private recovery room. I remember my Grammy and Auntie Sharon visiting. Sam went to her father-in-laws to sleep. And the neonatologist came in.

He said they were concerned about Elliott's breathing and wanted to take him to the NICU for observation. I was drugged, exhausted, hormonal and completely taken off-guard. Luckily, my Auntie Sharon had the presence of mind to ask (well, it wasn't so much as request as a demand) if I could hold Elliott before they took him to the NICU. The neonatologist hesitated and she pushed forward. He said I could hold him for a few minutes but then he really needed to go.

I've always been blessed in that I seem to bond emotionally with my children from the start. I bonded with Elliott in those first few moments before they took him away to the NICU. In those moments, I knew that all of the injections and hospital stays had been worth it.

After they took Elliott to the NICU my nurse let me eat and sleep. Then she brought me a breast pump so that I could pump for Elliott. I admit in those moments, I wanted to "rebel". I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted to call my nurse back and tell her that I wasn't pumping. The plan was for me to nurse not pump! And she couldn't make me.

I didn't do any of those things. I pumped. And then I labeled the containers with stickers the NICU sent to my room. Stickers that didn't even have his name on them. They all said "Baby Boy G". I held those containers as if they were a lifeline when Rob wheeled me to the NICU for that first visit. They were the only thing I was allowed to do for Elliott in those first few days. That stupid, painful breast pump that I hated more than anything else (it had become my "scape goat") and those containers were my sanity and the only ounce of control I had. And I clung to them for dear life.

Honestly, what choice did I have?

My pregnancy with Gavin was pretty quiet. However, I had a lot of stress and was hoping for a fairly stress-free and "textbook" pregnancy. Alas, that was not to be.

Elliott Richard's pregnancy started off quiet and "textbook". Then a few things happened all at once. Toward the end of my first Trimester, I began cramping and coincidentally my ex-mother-in-law filed her original contempt motion seeking to have me thrown in jail. About this time, Gavin's behavior took a scary and disturbing turn so Rob and I made a conference appointment with his pediatrician to discuss our options. He referred us to a new psychiatrist in town, Dr. R. We met with Dr. R fully expecting a diagnosis of ADHD or something similar. We got a nightmare roller coaster involving CPS (Child Protective Services) and our local courts. All of this obviously equaled insane amounts of stress for me.

Then to add a little salt to the wounds, my OB decides to retire out of nowhere! How does he tell his patients this little tid bit of news? By posting a letter to his door! So there I am four months pregnant with no OB. He referred me to a few new OB's but I had learned from his door notice stunt, that anyone he was endorsing was not the person I wanted to deliver my child. So I began going page by page, name by name through my insurance companies books of covered doctors. I looked them up online. I researched my butt off. And still had no idea who I was going to see.

Finally, God stepped in (as he so often does) and led the way. As I poured over that book of doctors and did my research one name kept jumping out at me, Dr. D. I didn't know why but it did. So I did what any self-respecting mother does at that point, I called my Mommy. And she did what she does as my Mommy, she gave me the answer. She told me to call my Aunt Carol because she works in the hospital where I deliver my children. She's worked there for years. So I called her. I asked her what she knew of Dr. D and as it turns out, Dr. D delivered my cousin's baby 11 years ago! She had nothing but positive and wonderful things to say about him, which made my choice clear. I had found my OB! :)

Things were quiet for a while after the OB drama. My cousin, Sam, got married in September. Rob's brother, Jon, got married in October. We had Thanksgiving (my all-time favorite holiday). Then Christmas. All the while Elliott Richard and I were cruising along. Slightly more stressed than usual but happy and healthy nonetheless. We even managed to survive New Years Eve. Granted we had a view visits to L&D for contractions and cramping. But nothing major. Nothing serious. Then, just before Gavin's 6th birthday it all changed.

At 27 weeks, I called Dr. D's office about a few contractions I was having. They weren't consistent or timeable but they were painful. The office was getting ready to close so they had me go to L&D for monitoring. Of course, I get there and I'm feeling the contractions but like always they weren't showing up on the monitor. Just to be on the safe side they did the fFN test. Everyone fully expected it to come back negative. It didn't. It came back positive. Suddenly my contractions that I was feeling and they weren't seeing became a big deal. I was admitted to the hospital and stayed there for a few days while they started me on terb and played with the dosage. In the end, they sent me home with a prescription for the terb and orders for bed rest.

A few weeks later, at 29 weeks I called about the contractions again. Again they weren't getting closer together or more timable but they were definitely more painful. I had called after hours so they had me go to L&D just to be sure. Also for the week before, I had also been having a sharp stabbing pain in the left side of my groin/hip joint. I figured the hip pain was just from me laying funny so I didn't mention it on the phone. Then as I changed my clothes I noticed my left leg was red, warm to the touch and nearly twice it's normal size. The monitoring in L&D showed I was in fact having more contractions. I also failed the fFN again. The major concern at that point was my leg because it was becoming more and more evident that I had developed a DVT while on bed rest.

Dr. D began ordering all of the necessary tests to help determine how bad things had gotten. I was started on Lovenox, a blood thinner, because I could not do thrombolitic treatments while pregnant, which is what they normally do for a patient with a DVT. All told I was in the antepartum wing of L&D for nearly 2 weeks. They ran gobs of tests included genetic testing for any and all clotting disorders. Everything kept coming back fine. In the end, Dr. D sent me home with orders for Lovenox, more terb and more bed rest.

That was the last major issue Elliott or I had during the pregnancy. Everything stayed pretty quite and medicated until Dr.D told me to stop the terb at 36 weeks. I then spent a few days walking Wal*Mart and the local mall trying to get my contractions closer together than 20 minutes. Ultimately, Elliott Richard decided to break his bag of waters. I joked that he grew tired of us using medications to stop his early escape so he did the only thing he could. He broke my water! lol

I know in past posts I've told bits and pieces of Elliott Richard's story but I want to take a moment and tell you his whole story.

Before.
Pregnancy.
Labor & Delivery.
The NICU.
Home.
The Aftermath.

In February 2005, Rob and I found out that we were pregnant. I was over the moon! But something was off. The pregnancy tests couldn't seem to make up their minds. Positive. Negative. Faint Positive. I was worried but at the same time, I wasn't because of my experience with Gavin's pregnancy and pregnancy tests. Just like with Gavin's pregnancy I thought this one would go to term. It never crossed my mind that I would miscarry. And that's exactly what happened.

I was crushed.

Then on March 24, 2005, I saw my OB/GYN at the time (not Dr. D). I was having issues with my cycles staying regular and whatnot even before the miscarriage. I went expecting to hear that my hormone levels were out of whack or something similar. What I heard was devasting.

This woman, with no bed side manner, walked in the exam room. Looked at me. Said, "We don't know why but your infertile. You won't ever conceive again." I don't think I even asked questions. And I don't remember the rest of the appointment. My life had shattered in that moment.

In the weeks following the miscarriage, I was a mess. I fell apart. Even after having Gavin, I didn't realize how attached you become to that tiny person from the get-go. And then a month later, I've got this woman turning my lift upside down again. It killed me.

Slowly, time moved on. Constantly marching forward no matter how much we drag our feet. Time moved on. Rob moved on. And slowly over time, so did I.

Then in July 2005, I woke up one morning and Rob said, "I think you need to pee on a stick." I just looked at him. How could he say that? What sick joke was this he was playing? But I've learned over the past 7 years to listen to Rob's gut. More often than not, it's usually right. So I went in the bathroom and I peed on a stick that we had left over from before March 24, 2005. Then I walked away. I wasn't going to stand there and have my heart broken again. I couldn't do that.

Imagine my surprise when I went back in the bathroom and saw two pink lines.

Rob and I were absolutely terrified when those two pink lines showed up. I honestly don't know if he really expected them to show up. I've never asked him. I know I didn't. He ran out and bought a set of the digital tests that say either "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so that we could eliminate human error. (As any woman who has tried to conceive can testify to, when you pee on the stick...you twist it, you turn it, you hold it up to the light, you look at it in the dark. Some women even take pictures and make it a "negative" photo to look for lines. Any line that shows up with the control line, is cause for hope.)

I waited a few hours and then peed on one of the digital sticks. We watched and waited while that stupid little hourglass icon flashed at us. I felt like it was mocking us. "Ha ha! You think you're actually pregnant?! Ha ha!" I swear that stupid little hourglass flashed at us for what felt like forever! Then, finally, it stopped. It stopped. It disappeared. And "Pregnant" appeared.

Oh.my.gosh.

I know my heart stopped. We were pregnant.

So I was just reading over the last few posts because I honestly can't remember much of this weekend. It's all been a giant blurr. What with Rob being sick and Gavin on his new meds (which still aren't making much of a dent) our house is just pure insanity.

I've been finding a little more sanity lately because of a message board I've found for high risk pregnant woman. Most of us are on some form of bed rest (modified, strict etc) so it's great to have someone who actually understands what's going on. Bed rest might actually be tolerable this time around because of these ladies.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off today. I almost finished the laundry. Only one small load of clothes and all the big things, like towels and bedding. I managed to wash all of the dishes (they were all dirty!) except for a few big pieces and what we used at lunch. Then I chatted with my Sidelines gals! (I love them!) Took a shower. Elliott Richard and I picked up Gavin. Stopped at Giant Eagle for diapers and shampoo and a few other things. Then the three of us went to see Dr. R, Gavin's psychiatrist. We finally got home about a half hour ago. I'm beat. My head hurts. I'm starving. And then there are those pesky cramps! (I hate cramps!)

I need to go finish dinner so I can vegge for the rest of the day. (Mom, if you read this tonight, I could really really REALLY use some cheesecake or homemade whoopie pies. *muah*)

The weekend seemed to drag on forever as usual. Gavin spent the night at Lizze's mothers on Friday even though she had plans the next day. (Thank you!)

We haven't seen much improvement in Gavin yet. He has only been on the meds for a few days but I was hoping it would be quicker. The new meds make him very sleepy at night which helps him to sleep through most of the night but I imagine that will soon wear off. I guess he does seem a little less active then he was prior. Honestly though I am pretty out of it still so I am not sure I'm the best person to ask right now.

I am still really sick. I haven't slept much in the past 4 days. I am living in 4 hour increments because that's when I get to take my meds again and feel slightly better for a little while. I have another round of antibiotics to go but I don't believe I'm contagious anymore.

Elliott is doing just fine. I think he is going stir crazy because he is coped up all day but that's to be expected during the winter. When we feel better we will take him out for a while. Speaking of Elliott he turns 2 in the morning. We haven't decided what we are going to do for his birthday yet.

We have to weigh everything against what Gavin can handle and in turn what we can handle from Gavin. If we have a party for Elliott, Gavin will get all worked up (to say the least) and we have to deal with the fall out from that for days. We have sadly found that sometimes it just isn't worth it. As it is, we are barley surviving now(Why tempt fate). But as I'm sick now anyways we will have a few extra days to figure out what we are going to do. We really want Elliott to experience a nice birthday.

Finally, as I am typing this, Lizze is running around like crazy cleaning and doing laundry. Can you say "NESTING PHASE" anyone... She is having to carry more weight right now because I am sick. So hopefully I will recover soon and all will be back to normal. She is still having the same problems as before but we see Dr. D this week and get an ultrasound and will know more then.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers....

Another mom-to-be posted this on my high risk/bed rest message board. I really liked it. It kind of gives me a little more faith that God hasn't forgotten us. So I thought I would post it here.

I woke up this morning with a nasty cough. Of course, I've had a persistant cough off and on for the last week or so. It's just more persistant this morning. Plus I woke up with a migraine, which is never a good thing.

Rob is doing better, little by little. He's still going to be down for the count for the next few days at least. I'll have to be sure to keep him away from Lisa when she comes on Tuesday.

Other than that, things are pretty quiet this morning. Keeping in mind that it's only 7:25am, which leaves plenty of morning for things to go horriblly wrong. But I'll try and stay positive that things will just remain calm and status quo this morning. *crosses fingers*

I had my first true crazy, pregnancy dream last night. I drempt I had already had Tiny and we all went to a big family gathering. Everyone kept taking Tiny from me and walking off, which upset me for two reasons. One, Tiny was a preemie and we were lucky a NICU stay wasn't required. And two, I was trying to nurse Tiny and people were pulling Tiny away in the middle!! It drove me crazy! It was really kind of scary that Tiny was so...well, tiny in my dream. A baby that size really should be in the NICU but no one would listen to me.

Oh well, we all know that I don't have any trouble vocalizing my concerns and whatnot when it comes to my kids in real life. ;) lol But dreams like that just don't do much to help me get enough sleep at night. I kept waking up angry and looking for Tiny. lol

Sometimes it's easy during all the hustle and bustle for a gal to forget that she is loved. And even when I manage to remember, it's easy to forget what it's like. That's why it's so great when those who love us take a moment to show us.

My father-in-law called this afternoon. He wanted to take the boys and to know if Rob would like some chicken noodle soup. While Rob jumped at the chance to have chicken noodle soup (it's one of his favorite meals) I declined on the offer to take the boys for a while.

I know that sounds crazy since Rob and I need a break so desperately. Just allow me to explain. Gavin was half-zonked in his room from his new meds (I thought he was asleep he was so quiet up there!) and I didn't want to disturb him. As for Elliott Richard, well I think he's trying to fight off this nasty "super bug" lately because he's been super clingy and snugly. Not to mention slightly lethargic, so I opted to keep him home as well.

He still wanted to bring Rob the soup though and he wanted to know if there was anything I wanted. I was touched that he even thought to ask. I told him that I've been craving pop lately (not so much any one pop flavor just more the carbonation) but I needed caffeine-free. He said "no problem". He brought Rob his soup and some rolls. I got two 2 liters of pop (Pepsi and Sierra Mist). He even brought the boys some gummy bears, which they ate in less than 5 minutes! lol

Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that we aren't as alone as we feel. Thanks Dad! For the soup, the pop, the gummy bears and the reminder that we are loved. It means more than you know.

We'll start with the sicker, otherwise known as Rob. He just called while he's on his way to the pharmacy with his prescriptions. Apparently he has an especially nasty case of bronchitis. Luckily we caught it just before it got really nasty and became pneumonia. They told him to drink lots of fluids and to rest. The fluids we can do. The rest is going to be a little trickier. So far, at least one prayer has been answered: Rob was in and out quickly with enough time to get to the pharmacy. Thank God.

Now for the good: Wild Cherry M&M's. Have you tried them yet? No? Well, you need to. I spotted them while picking up the necessities and Rob's NyQuil at Giant Eagle. They are delish! Of course, I'm partial to anything cherry and chocolate flavored. ;) lol

The bad? Well, no bad really. Just stressed. But the title doesn't really work without three different things, does it? ;) lol

Not *that* kind of boot! lol

Rob started getting sick last night. And per usual Rob-style, he's gone from fine to sick to near-death, all in under 24 hours. Yesterday morning he was fine. By bed time, he was sick. Now he's near-death.

I've been trying to convince him for about an hour to go to our local statcare and he kept arguing that he's only been sick for a day. My arguement is that A) this how his body operates, B) he has a 2 yr old at home, C) he has a high risk pregnant wife at home. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows this stuff operates this way!

He finally gave in and just left a few minutes ago. Hopefully they get him in and out in time to get his prescriptions filled before our pharmacy closes at 10pm.

Please pray that he is seen quickly so he can begin to recover quickly. Also please pray that Elliott Richard and I don't get this because it could be bad news for either one of us.

I had my standard appointment today. I couldn't get in to see my OB this week because of snow days and general insanity so I saw the Nurse Practitioner. I admit, I didn't like her at first but she's starting to grow on me. I still prefer Dr. D though.

So the stats are:
Weight 166lb (-2lb from Wednesday, my guess is that the hospital's scale was off)
BP 100/68
Tiny's HB 167bpm
Fundal Height 17 cm

My "big" ultrasound is next Thursday, March 6th at 9am. Then we have an appointment with Dr. D at 9:30am. Kelli, the NP, wanted me to be sure to make an appointment to see Dr. D after the ultrasound. Apparently, I need to see Dr. D after the ultrasound to go over the results.

I don't know if you remember my last ultrasound but the ultrasound tech was concerned with the placement of my placenta. Well, Dr. D and Kelli won't formally diagnose me with placenta previa (partial not complete) unless and until Barb, their ultrasound tech, can see it. Since they can't see the ultrasound pics from the hospital. They only receive a report.

So after my ultrasound on March 6th I have to meet with Dr. D and discuss the current placement of my placenta. In most cases, the placenta moves up and away from the cervix so it's nothing to worry about. Hopefully, that's the case here. If it is in fact a case of placenta previa, they will keep a close eye on things via ultrasound throughout the pregnancy. Hopefully, by or before July my placenta will have moved up and it won't require me to have a c-section delivery.
Other than that, things are pretty good. Kate watched Elliott Richard for the morning so that I could go to my appointment. (Thanks so much!) I even got a bunch of stuff accomplished for the PTA! Yippee! Now I'm home. Waiting for Kate to return my baby. Then I'll go pick Gavin up from school and veg for the rest of the day. I even picked up a frozen pizza for dinner so I wouldn't have to think about what to make. lol

Of course poor Rob is sick with that nasty respiratory flu that's going around. And he doesn't just get sick. He gets deathly ill and usually ends up in the hospital. I got him some NyQuil and DayQuil so hopefully that will help him.

Ah, let the fun begin.