Cheerio Confessions

Today started out so well. Ah well, all good things must come to an end eventually I suppose.

I've got a horrible, raging migraine. One of those migraines that cause your eyes to water and blur. It sucks.

Elliott Richard is in a "terrible two's" mood today. Everything is "no", "I don't know", "why" etc. It's a good thing he's so cute or I'd be calling the nearest group of gypsies to come and pick him up! lol

Gavin is doing well. He's hanging out at Grandma and Grandpa G's until Grandma W comes to pick him up sometime in the next hour. He's huge into writing letters right now. Problem is that he keeps writing letters to my ex-husband (Gavin's biological father) asking why they don't want to see him anymore and why they won't do their homework. (When Gavin asked why Nick and Pam (Nick's mom) stopped coming we told him that they had homework that needed to be finished before they could see him again. The "homework" being the paperwork that needed filled out at the visitation location.) We tried to explain to him that we don't know where he lives, because we don't. He was upset at first. Then we explained that he could write letters to me and I would write him back and mail them to Grandma G's and Grandma W's for him. Now all is right with the world again. *sigh*

I don't know if it's the migraine, my migraine meds or just "mommy brain" but my memory is completely shot today. I am trying to fill in my new pregnancy journal but I keep screwing up the dates. This journal is going to end up equal parts ink and white out. *sigh*

Then to add salt to the wounds of the day, I've been contracting pretty regularly today. Nothing timable but they are definitely stirred up over something. *sigh* I think I'll go and try and figure out some dinner now. (Is it wrong that Elliott is eating cold mac & cheese? It was hot but he wasn't interested in it then. It just seems wrong that he's eating cold. I don't know why.)

24 down ~ 111 to go

Yum. Yum. Yummy.

It is 8:21am here. This has been my morning full of deliciousness...

Elliott Richard slept through the night! This does not happen very often but when it does my body, mind and soul are very grateful.

Rob got up with Elliott Richard and allowed me an extra hour of sleep.

I checked Nate's blog to find that while I was sleeping through the night for the first time in ages, Tricia's surgery was a complete success and she is currently in recovery with her new lease on life!

I was able to start my morning with a slice of chocolate ganache Junior's cheesecake. Absolutely heavenly. Even Elliott Richard is par-taking in the deliciousness.

So now, tell me those aren't the makings of a delicious morning. :)

That Junior's cheesecake is AMAZING!

Oh.my.gosh!

I did in fact have it for dinner and I'm thinking of having another small piece for a snack.

Yum. Yum. Yummy!

Nate just posted! It's a go! There's still a slim chance that they may get as far as the operating table and find it's a no-go. But let's think positive thoughts!

Okay, so I woke up this morning exhausted! Partly because Elliott Richard isn't sleeping well. And partly because it was next to impossible for me to get comfortable because of both hips being sore. Every time I would move, I was "rewarded" with a sharp, stabbing pain. *sigh*

So I drug myself out of bed. Came downstairs with Elliott Richard and got him breakfast. Then I just sort of zoned for a while. Rob woke up. And he gave me my morning Heparin injection. (Fun. Fun.) We all hung out for a little while before we got ready to take Elliott to Grandma G's. She was kind enough to watch him while Rob took me for my second Celestone injection. We dropped Elliott off and hung out for a bit.

Then we made our way to Dr. D's office at about 10:30am. I received my injection. And while the injection itself didn't hurt nearly as bad as yesterday's...it hurt worse afterwards because it was the same side as my 17P injection this week. My poor butt is a mess of band aids at this point. lol The nurse felt so bad when she saw them all. (I left them on so that she would know where my other two injections had gone. That way we could avoid any double pokes.)

We left Dr. D's office. I cried some more. (It hurt!) And Rob surprised me with Taco Bell for lunch because he said I had earned it. Then we hung out at Mom G's for a little while before packing up Elliott and heading home.

Now imagine my surprise and confusion when I return home to find an orange and white box (not this box but similar) on my front porch. Granted, I'm expecting a few packages from things I've ordered with an Amazon.com gift certificate I earned in a beta test. But I didn't order anything that would come in a box like that!

Now imagine my shock and elation when I read the box and saw it was from none other than Junior's Most Fabulous Cheesecake!!!!! Yeah baby!

Now allow me to insert some back story here...I love the Food Network. One of my favorite shows is "Throwdown with Bobby Flay". (I *heart* Bobby Flay! Even more since I found out he's married to one of my favorite actresses from Law & Order: SVU!) For those of you who don't know, Throwdown is where Bobby takes on a "master" in making their signature dish. In this episode, it was Bobby vs. the owner of Junior's. (Apparently, Junior's is known for having the best cheesecake in NYC.) So I innocently (I swear, I meant nothing by it!) sent a text message to my best friend, Laura, who happens to work in NYC. (I do this every time there's a Throwdown with an NYC based food because I want to know if she's had it and if it's really *that* good.) She said that it was in fact that good. I told Rob that some day I want to visit NYC to see Laura and try all these foods I see on Food Network. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this!

In the box, I found a CHEESECAKE!!! :) It's a Junior's cheesecake!!! It has chocolate ganache, original NY cheesecake, raspberry swirl, and cherry crumb.

I was so touched and excited, I admit it, I cried. :) Hey, I'm pregnant. It's Junior's Cheesecake. I think I was entitled to cry. :)

It is in my fridge as I type this. I've already had people willing to take it off my hands. They claim Tiny and I don't need the calories! Hrmph! lol

My problem at this point, where do I start? The owner of Junior's said his favorite of all their flavors (of which they have many) is the original. And I must admit that "plain" cheesecake is usually my favorite as well. However, they are all calling out to me.

In fact, I think I may have cheesecake for dinner. :)

23 down ~ 112 to go

Tiny's big 20 week debut!

Not for me this time.

Nathan has posted to his blog that Tricia may be undergoing her double lung transplant today!!!! The transplant team have a set of lungs in TX that may be a match. Pray! Pray! Pray! Pray that this isn't a "dry run" (aka false alarm). Pray that Tricia comes through the surgery with flying colors. Pray for the donor. Pray for the donor's family during this difficult time. Pray! Pray! Pray! Today is also Nathan's birthday - what a gift! :)

I just IMed Julie. She is at an impromptu OB visit. I don't know what is going on but please pray for her and Baby O. Pray that everything is as it should be. Pray that Julie and Baby O are okay. Pray! Pray! Pray!

I love Julie. She is truly helping to keep me sane. I can't explain the weight that is lifted because not only do we share the same due date; we are also both on bed rest. It just makes things so much easier. I can't really explain it.

I was checking out her blog, something I do everyday. And at the bottom of her page she has the running stats on Baby O's pregnancy. I've decided to borrow this wonderful idea. Please see the bottom of the blog if you ever need a reminder of where we stand at any given point. :)

Mom is having troubles posting comments too. I'm not sure why except that Blogger says it's a crazy, random bug they are experiencing. Hopefully they will have it fixed soon. I got your last two comments. :) All I can say is keep trying! :)

Love you guys!

I got this off of Shannon's blog. And much like her, I'm posting a disclaimer first. :)


These are things that I would change only if I knew that they would not greatly effect the course of my life after that point. If it is an all or nothing change, meaning I make the changes and my life is completely different, than I pass and I'll leave things as they are. If, however, I can change these things and simply have them erased...then where do I sign. Without further ado, here are...


1) My first "marriage" ~ I would simply follow my instincts, rather than ignore them, and not say "I do". Had I done this then, there's a very real chance I would not be $25-50,000 in debt for legal fees incurred during my divorce and custody battle.

2) I would take the job offer made to me in November 1999. I was working at Blockbuster Video. My assistant manager offered me a position as an Assistant Manager in her new store in Alliance. She also offered to allow me to stay rent free with her and her husband (as long as I was working and in school) so that I could attend Mount Union College (one of my top 3 college choices out of high school that I couldn't afford tuition and room & board for) without commuting or having to try and pay room & board. There's no telling how different my life would be had I taken this offer.

3) I would have taken more time to enjoy the little things in life. I also would have taken more time to journal my experiences in life. I'm told that I'm somewhat of a "statistical anomaly" and I think it would come in handy for my kids to know about that part of my life when they are old enough. I also would have taken more time to journal during Gavin's pregnancy and infancy. Things were so crazy and chaotic that I didn't do these things as much as I would have liked. Now I wish I had.

The Flavor of Love 3 ~ I watched 1 and 2. I picked the "winner" both seasons. Obviously they didn't work out if there is a need for season 3. I really didn't get into it this season but I've started watching it purely for the "say what" factor. What are these women thinking?! Do they honestly and legitimately want to be with this man forever? Do they understand where he's "been"?! (Ew to the nth power!) I just can't understand why these woman subject themselves to this. I mean there are twins willing to share him! (Again, I say - ew to the nth power!)

The "say what" factor is the level of confusion felt during any episode (with shows like Flavor of Love it typically happens in most, if not all episodes) where you are left sitting there saying "say what" or some variation thereof.

Paradise Hotel/Island Whatever ~ Why?! Again, much like with Flavor of Love, why do this? What part of this show is a good idea? Who wakes up as a couple and says, "I know what our struggling relationship needs...infidelity!" Honestly, there are better ways to try and save your relationship and prove your love than to test your temptation on an island, in a hotel, on a boat (who cares where they are) and pray that you don't sleep with someone or your significant other doesn't cheat first.

Moment of Truth ~ Now I admit, I watch this show from time to time. But even for my strong stomach for most this television, it's a bit much. Why do people do this to themselves? Is money really that important?! I've lost count of how many marriages, families, friendships, careers have been ruined in the name of the "all mighty dollar". Why?!

CSI (and all similar shows) ~ First, I love most of these shows. Second, I understand they are supposed to be professional. I also understand that the average viewer has no real world knowledge of the criminal investigation field. However, does it strike anyone else as odd that they need to explain the obvious to their co-workers? Or what about the fact that lab work is rarely ever done without the beeps, bops and boops accompanied with flashing lights and screen changes? Yes, they make for "more entertaining television" but do they annoy anyone else besides me?

Max and Ruby ~ First, I say - where are the parents?! The only two adults you ever see in the show are sporadic appearances by the Grandma and the Bunny Scouts leader. Sometimes the candy show owner pops in as well. But 95% of the time it is Ruby, who is maybe 8-9 years old, serving as primary care giver for her little brother, who is maybe 3-4 years old. She bathes him. Dresses him. Feeds him. Takes him shopping for clothes. I think I've seen a family portrait on the wall, once. But seriously, I get that it's a kids' show but where's the parental supervision?!

Franklin ~ I'm confused. If we as humans, eat the flesh of another human that makes us cannibals. Rightfully so. So if a turtle eats other small woodland animals (that turtles wouldn't eat in real life) does that make him a variation of a cannibal? What about pets? It just seems wrong to me that a turtle has a gold fish as a pet. And his friend Beaver has a hamster as her pet. Oh and speaking of Beaver, why are Franklin and his family (parents and sister) the only ones with actual names. Every one's name is simply a variation of their species. ie Bear, Beaver, Fox, Goose etc. Don't they deserve names as well? And if Franklin is a turtle (which he is) and he wears his shell (which he does) why does he need clothing?

These are just some random things I've been pondering about in regards to telelvision shows. :)

In 2 hours 21 minutes (from the moment that I'm typing this up of course) Tiny will be 24 weeks!!!

Y'all know what that means don't you?

Okay so we've done this song and dance before: Girl reads blog. Girl likes blog. Girl feels the need to notify the world about the blog. :) Here are the newest inductees into my "Blogs Of Note" club....


A Day in the Life ~ Jen is a stay-at-home of two, a 2 yr old daughter and 10 mo old son. She found my blog through random circumstances (the best kind) and then I found her's through her Blogger Profile. It's new. It's fresh. It's honest. I like it. :)

Monday, March 17, 2008

Purpose of this blog
I'm starting this blog as a little experiment. I want to see how many people I can meet through this new world of blogging and whether or not you can make friendships this way. It is going to be interesting to say the least. The worst case scenario is that nobody reads this blog or wants to get to know me. If that happens then I still have a wonderful "memory book" of what was happening in my life. Or, I good make one new friend. And lets face it, I think most of us could use a new friend.
Posted by Jen at 2:24 PM

Journeys of a Peaceful Little Flower ~ I know Tressa in real life. She is a beautiful, peaceful soul. Her blog title is very fitting. She just started her blog so let's show her some love! :)

Introductions
Hi everyone! This is just a nice little post to introduce myself and tell you all what you can expect in the upcomping blogs.My name's Tressa, and I'm a counselor working in a charter school for kids with Autism and other special needs. I've been living in Canton, OH for a year now, but I grew up in New Castle, PA. I went to Youngstown State University for my bachelor's degree and my master's degree. I love Canton, and I'm glad to have found someplace that feels like home.Hmm...some other things about me. I study martial arts (Karate, and I've done a bit of Jiu Jitsu too), I love to bake, I write children's picture stories (I'm trying to get published soon), I'm a cat person (although I don't have any at the moment), I'm vegan (for anyone who doesn't know, that means I don't eat anything that comes from an animal), and I'm wild about singing, dancing, and musicals. I'm very spiritually strong, and my religious/spiritual path has been very arduous at times.Well I guess that's good for an intro. I'll primarily use this blog to vent my feelings, share my opinions about those issues which I feel strongly about, and generally keep people up to date on the ins and outs of my life. Leave comments for me! I love to know what others think about my thoughts!
Posted by Tressa at 4:02 PM 2 comments
Labels: background, interests, intro

I Hope You Dance ~ Raelyn is a stay-at-home mom to two little girls. It is an account of her life, especialy right now as she is going through a pretty difficult time medically. So she could use all of the prayers and positive thoughts you have to spare.

Raelyn - 32 year old Mom to the best girls ever. I am currently dealing with Trophoblastic Disease and will be starting Chemo 2/4. But I have faith in God and know that with him all things are possible.

And so now, as always, I say: Go! Read! Comment! Pray! Share the love, folks! Share the love! :)

Alrighty, I don't have the ultrasound pictures yet because Rob needs to scan them for me first. He's promised to do that tonight. So sometime between now (3:31pm EST) and when I go to bed (midnight-ish) you'll be able to see them. Believe me, they are worth the wait! :)

Here are the stats:

Weight: 176 lb.
BP: 90/60
Tiny's Heartrate: 142 bpm
Tiny's Weight: 1 lb 7 oz (Yay!)
Fundal Height: 24 cm

Our first appointment was at 11:00am for the ultrasound. I thought it was going to be a quick in and out just to check my cervix. Nope! :) She did check that but she also did a full biophysical profile (took all the measurements and whatnot). My cervix is actually longer (4.2 cm now, 4 cm two weeks ago) today that it was at the last ultrasound, which means the bed rest is working and the contractions are not! :) We have three new pictures of Tiny to show off. And boy are they cute! (Not that I'm biased or anything.) Tiny is measuring in the 55% for the gestational age. And some measurements were even coming up 2 weeks ahead of schedule. Barb said Tiny is 1 lb. and 7 oz which is a good weight for this point in the pregnancy. (Remember: big baby = fewer issues if the NICU is needed.) She read in my chart that we were worried last week about the posibility of leaking fluid so she took a few minutes to check that too. I have plenty! (Yay!)

After the ultrasound we saw Dr. D. Rob asked him about the home contraction monitoring that Lisa keeps mentioning. Dr. D said that in his experience it isn't very accurate at 24 weeks, it can still be pretty touch and go. He said if I make it another 2-4 weeks we'll consider it then. (sigh) He said so far things are looking really good because the contractions aren't causing any cervical changes. He's still concerned about how long this will hold out for so he ordered the Celestone (steroid) injections to help with Tiny's lung growth. Let me tell you (in case you don't know from experience) those suckers HURT!!!!!! Granted, I don't like shots but ask Rob it actually takes a lot from a shot to make me cry. This one, made me cry. Rob rewarded me with a double cheeseburger, small fry and large sweet tea from McDonald's afterwards though. :) The "best part" is that I get to go back to Dr. D's office tomorrow for the second dose. Which means 4 shots today (1 - 17P, 2 - Heparin and 1 - Celestone) and 3 tomorrow (2 - Heparin and 1 - Celestone). Other than that, we go back next week for another checkup and repeat fFN test. Then we will go every two weeks for a while before the weekly appointments and biophysical profiles start.

So far, so good. Tiny is moving up a storm. Barb was able to get some really good pictures of the heart that she couldn't get two weeks ago because of Tiny's position. Dr. D is encouraged by my lack of change so far. And other than a migraine and two sore hips, I'm actually feeling pretty good. I just took my migraine meds so hopefully they will kick in soon and I'll just have two sore hips to contend with. ;) lol

22 down ~ 113 to go
3 weeks down ~ 12 weeks to go

The "Big Huge Thanks a Million" Award goes to Jen!!!!!!! (Introduction to follow.)



Jen managed to find a copy of "Too Many Bunnies"!!!!! Yay! Jen...


glitter-graphics.com

Let's do a medical run down this morning. :)

Here are the stats from my trip to L&D the other night. (See this post for details.)

Weight: 174 lb.
BP: 111/66
Pulse: 81 bpm
Tiny's Heartrate: 133 bpm

Elliott Richard had his 2 year checkup yesterday morning at 11:00am. Rob had to take him while I stayed at home. :( He said it went really well. No shots - he's due for Hep A but they decided to hold off for another 6 months to a year. They lab pricked his finger to check his lead levels. We haven't heard back yet, which could be good news. But I don't know how long it takes to get those results back. Our house is apparently in a "high risk" zip code. Nevermind the fact that our house is over 100 years old. Both of which put the boys at an increased risk for lead posioning. No news is good news, so hopefully we won't hear from them. :) They discussed whether Autism is a concern for Elliott Richard (one of our biggest worries). Rob said they talked about it and filled out a questionairre. In the end Dr. H (Elliott's pediatrican) said that Elliott doesn't show any of the warning signs for Autism that would cause him concern. (Yay!) Overall, a good visit.

Best of all, my tiny little Twitterbug is becoming quite the chunky monkey! He's always been in the single digits of the growth chart but no one was worried because we was consistant. He's now in the 25% for both weight and 40% for length! WOO WHOO! Here are his stats:

Weight: 26 lb
Length: 33.7 in

Now for me again. :) Lisa just left. Yup, you read that right. LISA IS BACK! (Yay!) Now on to the good stuff. The appointment went well. Tiny was quiet the whole time she was hear and now that's she left Tiny is, of course, moving and grooving all over the place. lol The shot was slightly painful but in the correct place, which is much more important. :) Here are the stats:

BP: 110/63
Tiny's Heartrate: 142 bpm

And that's all for the medical rundown for now. I have an ultrasound (yay!) and appointment with Dr. D at 11:00am and 11:30am respectively. I'll be sure to post the rundown when I get home. And hopefully I'll be able to post pictures from my last ultrasound and today's. Along with the pictures I promised you guys the other day. :)

22 down ~ 113 to go

First, I want to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who have been helping in my search for "Too Many Bunnies". There is another book by the same title, however, it's a different story line.

The book I'm looking for is about Benny the Bunny. Benny has lots of siblings and he gets upset because they won't allow him to play, so he goes looking for a new family. Eventually he returns home and all is right with the world.

Elliott Richard just loves this book. I think the rhythm of the story is soothing. But I think he likes the voices I make for the different friends Benny makes during his travels. :) lol

I'll look for our damaged copy to see who wrote it tomorrow morning. I know that it's an older book so maybe they've stopped printing it. :(

Thanks again for all the help though! :)

Yeah, so I've been a bad blogger today. It's just been me. In bed. Watching television. Hanging out with Elliott Richard. Same stuff, different day.

In terms of my preterm labor...it's been an okay day. I've had more contractions today than I've had the last few days. My siatic nerve is all bent out of shape today, which HURTS. I've had a migraine off and on...mostly off.

I'm just kind of...blech. I'm frustrated because Elliott Richard loves this book entitled "Too Many Bunnies". I can't remember who wrote it. We read it, to death. Literally. It's fallen apart and we've lost some of the pages. I figured I have a few dollars in a giftcard on Amazon.com and I would replace it. But NO! I can't. They don't have it. That's right, I said it. AMAZON.COM DOES NOT HAVE A BOOK I NEED/WANT! ARGH! I even googled it...NOTHING. I just want to replace his favorite book. I want to be able to read it to him again because the older he gets, the more he enjoys our story time. But I can't because I can't find it. :(

I was making lunch for myself a little bit ago and I came up with this whole blog I was going to write. It was going to be one of those blogs that I wish I could write all the time. The light-hearted, funny, witty blogs that make our lives seem so much better than they really are. Then I read what my darling husband posted last night...I cried.

I wish there were something I could do for him. I'm sorry that he had to let his card go. I know that pain when you feel that a piece of you has been wrenched away and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Only I know it in a different way. I wish he didn't have to know that pain. It changes you, in the very core of who you are. I wish he didn't have the weight of our entire world on his shoulders. I wish there was something I could do to make it all better. He is my hero, especially right now. I know he hates to give me these injections but without him I would have to give them to myself. (I cannot describe to you the fear and panic just thinking about that brings to mind.) Even when he does the simple things in life (the dishes , the laundry, bathing Elliott Richard and putting him to bed), he is my hero. I try and tell him this but I don't think he believes me. He is though, he's my hero and without him I would be lost. Plain and simple.

Today has been particularly rough for me. I feel like I am starting to crack. I am trying to take care of everyone and it's overwhelming to say the least.

Lizze has a new full time job and that is keeping Tiny in the oven as long as possible.... She was the glue that held us all together. Now that she is effectivly out of the picture for the next few monthes I have some big shoes to fill.

I am chasing after Elliott Richard all day long. He is into absolutely everything.. Lizze keeps trying to help which stresses me out even more because she shouldn't be. Gavin is, well, Gavin. In a perfect world Gavin alone would be overwhelming. I am trying to run a business so we can financially survive and stay on top of everything else. Business could be going better. We are in the time of year where the house's are just starting to go up again...Things will get busier this summer but I will have to sub all the punch out work out because Lizze will need me at home.

I am trying to focus my limited efforts on the computer repair and video processing side of our business because I can do that out of my home office. My Microsoft projects should start becoming available again in the coming months. I have been working for them for almost 10 years now and really enjoy it. My favorite is the Microsoft Office Accounting phase. I am really good at that and have recieved many awards for my work on that project. ***links removed to protect the family from crazies*** But over the past few years I haven't had as much time to dedicate to them as I would have liked. I have a feeling time will become harder to come by in the near future....

I just lost my medic card today. It expired on March 29, 2008. I have tried not to think about that because it is really depressing. Working as a medic was the only thing I had left from my career as a fire/medic. For those new here, I had an accident about 7 years ago while on a call. I destroyed my back and found out that I have degenerative disc through out my spine (not a good thing). I have been in constant pain since the accident. I have become used to it so I don't always notice it. However, it is always there, slowly eating away at me. I still managed to work as a medic for a few years after to take care of Lizze and Gavin but with everything we had going on it became to much. Next to being a husband and father it was the best job I'd ever had.
I have continued to keep my card up to date hoping maybe someday I would be able to use it but it is to expensive to renew this time around. I just can't justify spending $500 on something I may never use again.... I am really sad because it feels like a part of me has died...

I am really struggling to hold everything together...I can't remember anything anymore. The worst part of my day is having to give Lizze her injections. She is terrifed of needles and here I am injecting her twice a day. Her arms are all bruised up and I hate the fact that I did that to her. I know it's important but it doesn't make it any easier. She starts and ends her day with an injection. I really admire her strength and courage because she faces one of her biggest fears twice a day... She even tries to make me feel better about giving them to her.. Amazing, isn't she...

Elliott has his 2 year check up in the morning and guess what, he is getting several shots plus a finger prick to test for lead. I am not looking forward to that.

Gavin is going to Lizze's mother's for awhile. Between our parents they are going to carry the Gavin load for some time. This break is so crucial because the stress in the house is simply unbelievable. It's not in Gavin's best intrest to be here right now, nor is it in ours to have him here. So a big thanks go out to our parents.

I am done for now becasue my head is pounding and Lizze is due for her heprin injection at 8:00 pm. I have to get Elliott down and then I have dishes and laundry to do...

Please continue to pray for Lizze that she can make it through the next 115 days with as few complications and health risks as possible. Also for Tiny, Gavin and Elliott...
Sorry, if this didn't make sense but my head hurts and it pretty much made sense to me as I was typing. I am not meaning to complain about my responsiblity I just sometimes get ovrwhelmed like I seem to be today......Venting seems to help.....
Thanks 4 listening......

Cupcakes! Yum. That is all. :)

Laptop is taking a dive. Rob is trying to revive it. That's why i'm mia most of today. No worries. :) <Lizze :)>

Okay so I promised updates last night but those just didn't happen. Sorry about that.

Everything is okay. About as good as can be expected at this point. I didn't sleep very well last night - combination of crazy dreams (that I can hardly remember and don't have a clue as to how I should describe them) and Elliott Richard not sleeping well because he kept kicking his blankets off. Now we're just snuggling and watching "The Upside Down Show". (I hate this show.)

Last night went pretty well. We still don't know what's going on but I was treated LOADS better this time around. The longest wait we had (besides lab work being processed) was for Transport to come and pick me up. The Transport chick was a little...odd. I think she was trying to lighten the mood and make me feel more comfortable with stories of women who had waited in the ER waiting area so long they were "clamping their legs together to keep the baby in". Not something a pregnant mother in preterm labor, with a history of preterm labor, really wants to hear but oh well. lol

The nurse whose tag line last week was "We'll be with you in a few minutes" was working again last night. She didn't help us. She actually didn't even look at us beyond the initial glance. I was registered and weighed. Once in my room, I had no sooner gotten in the gown and situated in bed before my nurse came in and introduced her self. She finished the whole registration process and hooked me up to the monitors and left. Only to return within five minutes with the doctor! *shock* Both my nurse and my resident were really, really nice. He checked me (still high and firm) and ordered some tests (blood work and all that good fun stuff). Rob and I hung out (hence the crappy picture of me in the previous post) for a while. The nurse brought me some ginger ale to drink (yum) and even said Rob could get me food (double yum)! :) So he went and got me one of the hamburgers the hospital makes. (I don't know why but I love these hamburgers!) Not long after my delicious hamburger the doctor came in and said he felt it was just "normal pregnancy stretching" and that most of my tests were normal. One of the tests was being held up in the lab and they didn't want to make me wait because it could take quite a while for it to come back. They took Rob's cell phone number and were going to call with the results no matter what they were. But Rob told the nurse we could go the "no news is good news" route, meaning she would only call if there was something wrong. (We haven't heard anything so all must be right with the world.)

I don't agree with that because by now I know what "normal pregnancy stretching" feels like. These cramps were directly tied to the backache. I only had the backache with the cramps...never one without the other. Granted they weren't timable or anything but they were regular and painful. All that matters though is that the cramps and backache weren't accomplishing anything in terms of dilation and whatnot. So I'll just stay down (surprise surprise) and talk to Dr. D about it at my appointment this week.

Once we were home, Rob set up my new Bed Rest Haven. And then Dad G brought Elliott Richard home with FOOD! (Yum) Once the living room was all rearranged, Elliott Richard was in bed and our tummies were full...I was too pooped to post. lol

I've got pictures to post but I need to upload them first. So they're coming...just give me a few. :)

20 down ~ 115 to go

We're coming home! Updates soon. <Lizze :)>

We are waiting for test results. Everything is much better this time around. Updates later.

On my way to l&d. Pray it's nothing big. <Lizze :)>

Elliott is REALLY, REALLY into "Burnout Paradise" for the XBOX 360. I made him his own case so he didn't need to carry around the real one....

Well, last night was interesting. I had really disturbing and upsetting dreams. I don't remember what they were about except it involved my family and I woke up feeling hurt and panicked.

I'm now on my couch. Trying to find a scrapbook so I can make a scrapbook of Gavin's ultrasound pictures and belly shots. The few belly shots I have left anyway. Thanks to certain people most of them were lost. I'm also having a lot of cramping with a dull low backache that comes and goes, which isn't good. The plan of attack is to lay on my left side, drink nauseating amounts of water and eat lunch. Hopefully by then this will have passed and I won't need to call in. However, if I need to call in they are going to make me go in at least I won't starve while I'm there.

I'll keep you updated and with any luck I'll be able to post the blog I had planned. ;)

19 down ~ 116 to go

I (meaning Rob) made this for Elliott's first birthday. I thought we lost it with our last lightning strike (we have been hit twice in three years)this past summer. I just found it and thought I would share. I didn't make a new one for this year because we weren't able to celebrate his birthday do to current circumstances....


***While I appreciate the fact that everyone finds me so creative and this slideshow so moving (it is), I can't take any of the credit. I grew the subject (Elliott Richard) but Rob did the whole slideshow himself.***

With the exception of the migraine that would not quit, today has been a pretty good day.

I made some popcorn last night but couldn't stomach it, so I spread it around outside this morning for the squirrels. Now I've got squirrels, robins and all sorts of other birds as visitors. :)

Then I'm sitting here, working on a cross stitch project when UPS pulls up. I didn't think anything of it at first because my neighbors often get packages but then he came to my house! Rob went and got the package for me because we were thinking it was for him. The only packages I ever get are when I beta test something and I'm not involved in any betas right now.

Turns out the package was for me! :) Inside was a pregnancy journal!

I am a country girl. My Granny was born and raised in Oklahoma. She was a country girl through and through. As I explained here, I was extremely close to my Granny. I am a child of hippy parents with strong southern influences in my upbringing. And people wonder how I ended up so far outside the box?! lol There hasn't been a box made that can hold me! hahahaha

But I digress. My children have always shown a love for music from the get-go. I give birth to "dancers". ;) lol

Gavin's favorite song was Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle". His favorite group was Dixie Chicks. If he wasn't very active, I could play Dixie Chicks and be rewarded with some "dancing".

Elliott Richard's favorite song was Christina Aguilera's "Can't Hold Us Down". (Notice a pattern here? lol) But really any Christina Aguilera song would do. He wasn't picky.

I think their love of Christina is what laid the ground work for them to have similar music tastes with Rob. Rob likes rock, 80's...basically all things with a strong beat and then country. I'm the opposite. I love country. I would listen to country and bluegrass and jazz all day. (Sadly I am alone in my love of jazz.) I like select songs from other genres but I am a country girl at heart, through and through. I even have a country accent on certain words and phrases. (frog = frawg etc)

Well it would seem that Tiny is a little more like me than the rest. ('Bout time!) I played Christina for him this morning fully expecting the pattern to continue. Nope. Tiny was quiet. There were a few bomp, bomp, bomps but no "dancing". Next I tried Rascal Flatts. (I heart Rascal Flatts!) Ladies and gents, we've got dancing! HAHA I'm no longer the only "country bumpkin" in the family! :)

I was in a bit of a pretty major funk last night. I had just reached that point where it's all just too much. The shots. The appointments. The bed rest. My funk was so deep that I was getting irritated because Tiny wanted to show off the latest gymnastic moves and that was preventing me from slipping into a coma-like sleep. Rob went and got some Taco Bell, which I had been craving to try and pull me out of it. It just wasn't happening. So I went to bed and tried to sleep it off. (The food seemed to have lulled Tiny into a food coma. lol)

I dreamt of my Granny last night. She died on May 11, 2002. That's the day that I changed forever. But that's another post. I used to dream of her often after she died. As the years have passed I haven't had as my visits from her. This may sound crazy, or maybe it won't, either way it's what I believe so :p on you! lol I believe that my Granny visits me in my dreams. I've had visits from other family members as well. But my Granny is my only steady visitor.

I had dreams of my Grandpa C, my Mom's dad, throughout my entire pregnancy with Gavin. This is significant (to me at least) for a few reasons. First, I had never dreamt of him before that time and I have yet to dream of him since Gavin's birth. Second, Gavin was born the day before my Grandpa C's birthday. Third, I was working at Staples while pregnant with Gavin and I had a customer come in one day who could have been Grandpa C's clone. No joke. I looked as if someone had plucked this man straight out of a picture I've seen of my Grandpa. Every where I turned during that pregnancy, my Grandpa C was there. Again, this has not happened since.

The last visit from my Granny I remember vividly was just after Elliott Richard was born. I dreamt the family had a big cookout/reunion (something her side of the family has every summer for the 4th). At that reunion I was able to introduce her to the great-grandson she had never had the chance to meet (on Earth anyway). She was able to hold him and kiss him. And I felt better having had that opportunity. (Writing this is causing me to get all teary eyed.)

My Granny was a huge influence on my life growing up. I was convinced that the sun rose and set with her. She was only about 5 feet tall but her personality was so much larger! She loved life. She was creative and compassionate. I don't think she ever missed one of my swim meets or gymnastics meets or major life events, even if they were hours away. I was (and still am to this day) her only grand-daughter.

I am struggling to find words that adequately describe her and the emotions tied to her. All I can say is when she died, I was forever changed. There was honestly a moment when I thought the pain of her death was going to drown me. Someday I still feel like that.

So when I am given the opportunity to "spent some time with her" via my dreams...that marks the beginning of a good morning.

Last night I dreamt of her again. She picked me up and took me shopping for things I would need and want while on bed rest. She bought me gobs of snacks, some slippers that looked like tennis shoes (I used to have some of these but I wore them out.) and a bunch of puzzles and doo-dads to help keep me busy. Then she took my mom and I out to lunch. We all sat around the table and chatted up a storm while we ate. When we were finished Tiny was going crazy, just moving and grooving like mad. Which gave me the opportunity to have my Granny feel the movement. I woke up feeling much better and at peace with everything. The funk was gone.

I miss my Granny, every day. But I miss her most during major life moments such as these.

18 down ~ 117 to go

So I have a counter on my blog that will tell me if and when people stumble upon my blog through search engines. Usually Google is the search engine that brings the most people in. Well apparently today a Google search led someone to my blog. This is what they searched for:

03/27/08 10:54:12
how to stop being angry at God for gaving me an autistic child (Google)

Now for me, this brings about a mix of thoughts and feelings.

Am I angry with God because Gavin is Autistic? At times, yes I am. I wonder why our little boy was taken from us. Why he was so perfect and developmentally on target (for the most part) and then *BAM* he was gone. I wonder why God thinks I can handle so darn much. I guess maybe I question God more than I'm angry with him. Although I don't know that questioning him is any better.

Do I habor angry or hatred toward God for the challenges he's place before me? No. Again, it would be nice if he didn't have quite so much faith in me and my abilities to handle stuff. But I'm not angry for the challenges I've endured. Those challenges have made me who I am and while I may not always be happy with who I've become; for the most part I'm pretty comfortable with who I've become.

If given the chance to change it all, would I? Depends. There are certain things that I did out of ignorance (signing my divorce decree without asking more questions, blindly trusting attorneys because I thought they knew better etc) that I would change if given the chance. There are things that I did and I knew in my gut at that moment were the wrong choices for me to make (saying "I do" to Nick being a HUGE one). Those I would change if I could. But to change it all? If it has to be an all or nothing choice, I choose to leave it alone. There's no way for me to know what I would loose by changing things. That's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Now, please understand that simply because I am not angry with God because Gavin is gone does not in any way shape or form mean others should not be angry. Anger is part of the healing process. I've been angry. I'll be angry again, I'm sure. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Everyone has to deal with this situation and process in their own way. Whatever that may be.

For the most part, I'm not angry with him for Gavin's Autism because I don't know what he has in store for us later. I don't know why he placed this angel in our lives. But I'll struggle and muddle my way through until we figure it out.

Okay so I woke up this morning with a migraine. I took my meds and then took a nap. And guess what! Yup, I woke up from my nap with another migraine. I just can't win today! lol

Well ladies and gents it's that time again. I've found some new blogs that I just love love love! So that means I feel a desire to introduce you. I urge you (very strongly) to click the links and check them out! :) Without further ado...

London McCalling ~ Shannon, Matt (her dh), Waverly (I just adore this name!) and Oliver are all from the US but have relocated to London, England when Matt was offered a job (possibly transferred). What began as a blog about their new lives in London has also become a blog about the family's struggle to find a diagnosis for Waverly and to ultimately cope with the diagnosis and how it effects them all as a family.

Friday, March 21, 2008
We Have A Diagnosis
Waverly has mucopolysaccharidoses (MPS), specifically it is known as MPS III or Sanfilippo Syndrome. Even though we have been waiting anxiously for a diagnosis, nothing could have prepared us for this devastating news. I am not emotionally or physically capable of writing more at the moment. Here is a link for further information: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001210.htm

I went back yesterday and read her blog from beginning to end. Her family is beautiful and I feel for her during her struggle to find and cope with a diagnosis for Waverly because we've been in a similar situation with Gavin for the past 7 years.



What the heck was I thinking?! ~ This is Nikky's blog. Nikky is married to Chris, a military officer currently stationed in Texas (I have a huge soft spot for those serving in the military but that's another blog.), and currently pregnant with their first child.

February 06, 2008

Transitioning from Myspace to the Open Waters of the Net
at 11:57:00 AM
Blogging on Myspace is easy. No one reads them. Ever. Well that is unless you have friends who seem to hang on every written word you write. What the heck could I possibly say that is that freaking important?! Nothing that I know of!!

Mostly I have ranted about my trials and tribulations of infertility, the continuing shifting waters called community college, my periodic rants about people I find incredibly stupid (like my recent rant about a cult-like "church" from Kansas). Although I have raved about incredibly brave people (men and women serving in the military) and an outstanding group of people who I recently had the privilege of seeing The Patriot Guard Riders. I am not going to say that some of my ranting (and raving too) has not been without some controversy. (I know there are at least 3 people who will read this, roll their eyes and laugh)

So, here I go. Making my world wide web debut into blogging. No flameing (at least no real live flames) please.

Nikky is another due date buddy that I have found with God's help through blogs. Her original due date was July 25th (two days after me) but has recently been moved to July 18th (just as great a day since it happens to be MY birthday! lol). She is currently a college student working to find a balance between her roles as wife, student and mother-to-be. Her blog strikes me partly because we are "due date buddies" but also because we seem to have similar personalities. Plus she's just cool. :)

There now you have been formally introduced. So...Go! Read! Comment! :)

17 down ~ 118 to go

Today has been consistent with just about everything. Gavin is REALLY struggling right now. We are pulling our hair out trying to figure out what to do. Lizze and I are both extremely sleep deprived. I have been up with Elliott on and off since 1:30 this morning. I fear this is all starting to effect him. I can see how he is effected by all of this despite what others might say. Elliott Richard is effected by this......

Today has been rough because Elliott really wants to hang out with Gavin and Gavin wants nothing to do with him most of the time. It's heart breaking because Elliott just looks so devastated by that.

We have an emergency appointment with Dr. R's nurse practitioner in the morning. We have to do something to help Gavin find his way out of this. Hopefully we can adjust some meds and that's all it will take. School starts back up on Monday and at the rate he is going it will be a complete disaster.....

Gavin is really upset now because his Grandma M. refuses to see him. He hasn't seen her or his father (and I use that term loosely) in almost 9 months and he really misses them. We used to make excuses for why they did the things they did. We don't cover for them anymore. We tell Gavin that "Grandma M. and his daddy are both adults and we cannot make them do anything". We tell him that "he has done nothing wrong but sometimes grown-ups can do things that make us sad even though they loves us".

We know he is better off never seeing them again. However, it's important to him and therefore important to us. The contact will always need to be supervised in a controlled environment because neither one can be trusted and Gavin needs to feel safe. But outside of that we completely support Gavin's desire to see them.

She is currently refusing to see him on "principle". Real world translation: "She will only see on her terms because supervised visits are benegth her". His father has simply disappeared. That for me is very sad. I can honestly say if I were in her shoes I would do whatever it takes to see my kids or grand kids. I would cross ocean's, climb mountains and certianly drive 2 hours even if I could only see them a few minutes...YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SEE YOUR KIDS..I just don't understand people.......

Well that is my rant for now. I had to stop typing for a little bit because Gavin was going after Elliott. Everything is ok. Gavin was freaking out because Elliott brushed against his hair....I am so tired... I'm sure Lizze will be posting later......


Thanks for listening.......

I've been thinking a lot today. Let's face it, there's not much more for me to do anymore. Plus when I have to take my migraine meds, well, they tend to get me thinking and feeling chatty. I don't know why. Anywho...While I've been thinking I've been trying to process some Tiny related stuff.

I am 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My pregnancy is considered a "high risk" pregnancy. That means the risk to myself and Tiny is greater than found in a "typical" pregnancy. I am currently considered in preterm labor. I am on medications and bed rest to try and fight the preterm labor and allow me to make it full term. It is questionable as to whether or not I will make it full term. Here are an estimates of Tiny's chances for survival:

23 weeks ~ 17% (10% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
24 weeks ~ 44% (40% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
25 weeks ~ 61% (50% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
26 weeks ~ 72% (60% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
27 weeks ~ 72% (70% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
28 weeks ~ 85% (80% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
29 weeks ~ 88% (90% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)
30+ weeks ~ >94% (100% chance at life w/o any prematurity related disabilities)

So if I were to give birth to Tiny tomorrow there would be a 17% chance of survival. That means there is a 83% chance that Tiny will not live. Also they wouldn't use heroic measures because the age of viability is 24 weeks in the state of Ohio. Although I just did a bit of research and found that in the state of Ohio the age of viability is actually 20 weeks although this is not often the "practiced" age, meaning that technically they can sometimes assist a fetus in survival at 20 weeks but the odds are less than 1% depending on the size and weight of the fetus at birth.

There seems to be some confusion among family and friends as to the exact nature of our current situation. Allow me to try and clear that confusion up.

My pregnancy is a gift from God and a blessing, I have no doubt of this. However, my pregnancy is also in a constant state of...shall we say crisis. At any given moment the medications could stop working and my preterm labor could reach a point where it can't be stopped. At 23 weeks it's, unfortunately, all but guaranteed that Tiny will not survive. And if Tiny did survive, survival isn't any kind of promise of a quality of life.

Some feel we are being overly cautious or "making a big deal out of nothing". I assure you, that is not the case. I may be in a state of "constant vigilance" but that is simply because I am currently the only one who can speak as Tiny's advocate. No one else knows exactly what is going on physically with us. And I tend to feel that it's better to be safe than sorry. I would much rather find out I have an infection or what have you before hearing that I'm in preterm labor or my water has broken. However, I would never forgive myself if I didn't go and get these things checked out, only to discover later that I was right and we lost Tiny because I didn't speak up.

Elliott and I hiding out in our "Man Cave".. We both fell asleep yesterday and Lizze apparently snapped a picture...when she should have been laying down :)









Elliott playing XBOX with his daddy...He is so darn cute....

Okay, so I posted yesterday about my disasterous trip to L&D on Monday. Well, Rob and I thought long and hard and finally decided to call a family friend who works for the hospital I was at on Monday. He is upper Administration and he was unhappy but he isn't involved in the medical aspect so he referred me to the Clinical VP of the Maternity Unit. She called us literally 5 minutes after I got off the phone with the upper Admin.

Rob spoke with her for nearly a half an hour. Just telling her everything that had happened on Monday. She was appauled! She just kept apologizing and saying "that never should have happened". In the end she urged us to call Dr. D first thing this morning because she wasn't comfortable with the treatment I received. She said that she would take care of the nurses but "The Man-Handler" is someone else problem. She promised to call that person and have "The Man-Handler" dealt with.

Now I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble. However, "The Man-Handler" has no business treating OB patients. Especially not high risk OB patients in preterm labor. I firmly believe that her man-handling is a big part of the reason that my preterm labor has gotten so much worse over the past few days. The fact that she blantantly didn't agree with either my preterm labor diagnosis or the treatment prescribed by Dr. D just goes to show me how little experience she has as an OB. I just pray that it's a rotation and not her career path of choice.

So I posted earlier that I was waiting for a nurse to call me back from Dr. D's office. She called me back and we spoke for a while. Basically Rob and I covered the whole drama from Monday. The nurse was horrified. She took the information down and called Dr. D and spoke with Kelli, the NP (nurse practioner) and called me back. Dr. D wanted me seen today so an appointment was made with Kelli for 1:30pm.

Here are the stats:

Weight: 172 lb.
Tiny's HB: 137 bpm

We got there at 1:30pm. Saw the nurse at 1:45pm. Talked to her and she took me over to another room for a NST (non-stress test), which a test that monitors for contractions, fetal heartrate and fetal movement. It basically is to see how Tiny handles the contractions. We couldn't get Tiny to play along with the heartrate monitor so we just went with the contraction monitor without the other two.

The test began at 1:55pm. I had a contraction #1 at 2:05pm, which I felt but it wasn't nearly as bad as some of them. Nurse comes in, "Oh...look at that. Let's see what happens next." (Like I'm some sort of science experiment! lol) Then at 2:14pm I had contraction #2, again not nearly as bad as some of them. Nurse comes in sees #2 and dahses out for NP. NP and nurse return and rip strip and dash back out together. They left to call Dr. D. A new nurse comes in and takes me to an exam room saying, "We need to run some tests." (Grrreeeeat.)

They performed an fFN test and the litmus test to see if I am leaking fluid. I'm thrilled to report that BOTH tests came back NEGATIVE! (Yay!) That means I am NOT leaking fluid and that I will most likely NOT go into full-fledged labor in the next 14 days. (Woo whoo!) Then they left to call Dr. D because they wanted to discuss admitting me to the hospital. (Fantastic.) He was still at the hospital performing c-sections. This was at about 2:30pm. At 3:00pm Dr. D called but had to hang up quickly because he was needed in an emergency c-section. Finally at 4:00pm he called back said that since my fFN was negative I could come home but I had to "stay down".

So now I'm home. I still have an ultrasound scheduled for next week and appointment immediately after the ultrasound. I'm still having gobs of contractions and they made me promise I would call if things got worse or anything changed.

I feel bad about calling our family friend in Admin at the hospital but then again, I don't. If we hadn't called, we would have taken Monday at face value and not called Dr. D. And who knows what would have changed between now and next week if I'm already contracting every 10 minutes! God's timing is certainly perfect. The even crazier thing is that I don't make phone calls like that. Ask Rob. I don't complain to higher-ups. I don't "get people in trouble". I am one of those people who swallows the ill treatment and learns from it for next time. So the fact that I made that phone call in the first place...is perfect timing.

Yet another day has come and is about to go......I spent all morning trying to keep Gavin from melting down and keeping Lizze as comfortable as possible. I am so tired anymore, I can't even begin to explain...Gavin is honestly sucking the life right out of me. I just can't keep up with everything anymore.

I met with Pattie last night and we were discussing where Gavin is and where he is heading. He is in another manic phase right now. He is once again losing touch with reality. It becomes more and more apparent with each passing day just how much he is struggling... I have spent the last seven years of my life fighting for his safety and protection in court along with my wife. I have given him everything I have and it just isn't enough.

Now I have Elliott who needs my undivided attention. Lizze is on even more restrictions and her problems are getting worse every day. Tiny is just along for the ride at this point and in order to protect Tiny I have to keep Lizze safe and comfortable and STRESS FREE.

I am finding that it just doesn't seem possible to keep everyone safe and happy anymore.

Gavin loves Elliott but most of the time can't stand to be around him because Elliott is loud and very active and Gavin gets frustrated and Elliott ends up getting knocked over and pushed around. I can't allow this to happen. But at the same time I feel terrible sending Gavin to his room all the time but what else is there to do? The doctors are telling me if that's what we have to do to keep Elliott safe then we just do it.... That is much easier said then done. I feel like he is being banished to the "highest room in the tallest tower".

We keep coming back to the whole residential treatment issue and I just don't know what to do. Ultimately the decision is Lizze's (as he is not my child) and I don't envy her. This is a terrible situation to be in. I feel like I am inside a compactor when Gavin is around. My whole body hurts and I feel like I am being crushed... I can't get mad at him because he is a victim and this is not his fault. This poor child's life has been turned upside down and inside out so many times. I can't imagine what he is feeling (although nobody know how he feels anything about anything).

Elliott Richard is starting to pay a price for all of this... He doesn't like it when Gavin touches me. Elliott at 2 years of age is yelling at Gavin when Gavin hops down the steps on one foot. Elliott tries so desperately to engage with Gavin and Gavin refutes him almost every time and Elliott cries. What am I supposed to do with that... When Gavin throws a fit Elliott tried to stop him. Elliott will go to Gavin and try to kiss him to make him better. We have to minimize their contact and interaction. I don't even like sending both boys to the same place when I take Lizze to the doctors. People just think we are over reacting and Gavin is just being normal...People try to explain away his behaviors by trying to tells us that he just going through a phase and he'll grow out of it. Every time I hear this from someone I scream on the inside because I cannot break down. To much is riding on me continuing to move forward....

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining about my life. I love my wife and kids and will continue to do everything in my power to protect them. I just feel overwhelmed and broken right now.....This probably doesn't make much sense...I just felt this pressure building up and needed to let off some steam.

That's it for now. I have to go give Lizze her injection again.....

What Tiny is up to this week: At this point you’ve pretty much adjusted to the fact you’ve got a moving little gymnast inside of you, but now they’re going to kick up the party a notch because they can hear and react to sounds from the outside world. Sounds from your alarm clock, a thunder roll, or that darned car honking at you across the intersection can actually jar their little ears enough to elicit a kick or violent bout of squirming. Of course this also means that their little ears are picking up the sounds of your voice and those near you. So go ahead, sing a lullaby to your little angel—if they start kicking, it’s likely they just want you to stop… or maybe it was a kick of approval? You decide. Your baby's tiny taste buds are still growing and their bones are continuing to ossify (harden), their tiny veins are visible through their translucent yet wrinkly skin. (Think of it this way: they’ve been swimming in the equivalent of a long hot bath for the past 23 weeks, so you can’t blame them for being a little prune-like.)

Wow! This is my 300th post! That's pretty cool. Of course, when you're confined to a couch just about anything qualifies as cool anymore. lol

I had more crazy pregnancy dreams last night. There was one about a Ma & Pop General Store. Everyone hung out there and apparently I started some sort of group but couldn't remember doing it. Whatever I had done was causing everyone to be really angry with me for doing it. The store sold a ton of different kinds of highlighters and they all had special...abilities I guess. It was just odd.

Well I'm sitting here waiting for a nurse to call me back from Dr. D's office. I spoke to a few other medical professionals yesterday about my experience in L&D Monday and they weren't happy with the level of care I received so they urged me to call Dr. D's office first thing this morning. My big concern is since "The Man-Handler" got ahold of me, my contractions have become more intense and more consistant. I'm not having 4-6 an hour but I'm consistantly having them like 20 mins apart. To me the consistancy is just as concerning as the frequency. But we'll see. I'll update when I have more.

16 down ~ 119 to go

My family is falling apart.

I don't blog about Gavin very often because I don't know how to "spin" it without making him out to be a monster or painting a rosier picture than is true. He isn't a monster. He's a beautiful little boy with a compassionate soul. He's also so difficult to control anymore. And to make matters worse, some people don't see how he's difficult to control so they think it's just us. Do I deny that he feeds off of our stress levels? No. Do I think our stress levels are the be-all end-all of his mood swings? No.

Gavin is Autistic. He is bi-polar. He is being medicated to bring him out of his manic phase. However, we are without a mood stabilizer so he's just being boomer-ranged into a depressive phase. He is a teeter-totter. Manic. Depressive. Manic. Depressive. Psychotic. Violent. Psychotic. Violent. It's 6 of one, half a dozen of another at this point.

When Gavin is manic, he gets sucked totally and completely into his own little world. Even more than what happens normally with Autistic children. He begins talking to people who are not there. It is next to impossible to get his attention and draw him out of his own little world. He is not a danger to himself or anyone else. But he's also on a completely different planet.

When Gavin is depressive, he's angry and violent. He has little to no fuse. No patience for anyone or anything. If we tell him "no", all Hell breaks loose. He claims he's "starving" and demands to eat but then he takes two bites and refuses to finish. He's lashing out at Elliott Richard for nothing at all. If Elliott dares to touch Gavin, Gavin will throw an elbow or a fist at him. And it's only getting worse.

We find ourselves, once again, faced with the decision of whether or not we should send him to inpatient treatment. We find ourselves, by Gavin's doctors admission; facing the fact that what's best for everyone, may not be what we want to do.

At this point we have one of three options available to us.

1) We continue with life as it is. Gavin at home and daily glimpses of Hell. Gavin will spend much of his free time playing in his room in an attempt to keep him separated from Elliott Richard (in order to protect Elliott Richard).

2) We make arrangements with the grandparents. Rob's parents take him during the day (during Spring Break) and after school once it resumes. My mother takes him after she gets off work. And we would take Gavin to all his appointments with Pattie and Dr. R. And he would come home on the weekends.

3) We visit an inpatient treatment facility and make arrangements to have Gavin admitted. This will be difficult because of the financial aspect of it, but that can be arranged.

Honestly, I don't like any of those options. The lesser of the three evils are 1 and 2. I would do 3 if Pattie and Dr. R felt it was necessary. Even 1 and 2 leave me feeling guilty and less of a mother. However, when I take a step back I realize that Gavin is having a greater effect on our family than is noticeable at first. Elliott Richard has started to mimic Gavin's behaviors. There's the very basic fact that I'm being asked to choose between my children. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to live with that. I feel as if I'm being asked to sacrifice one to spare the other. And again, I don't know how to deal with that.

There's so much looming over me right now. I'm stuck on this stupid God-forsaken couch and people keep dumping their crap on me! People call to see how I'm doing and dump their troubles on my couch on the way. Rob comes through and dumps his crap on my couch as he passes. Gavin just dumps his crap everywhere. And then I have the added stress of trying to find a balance between over-analyzing every little thing and making sure that I do what's best for Tiny. No one truly realizes just how difficult it is to be me right now.

I pray that you'll hear me when I say this: There are no cabana boys here! No daily massages. No bon-bons on a silver tray. No pretty drinks with umbrellas. It's me. On the couch. In my living room. Trying desperately to find something on 120 channels of NOTHING to watch. So I record every episode of Law & Order: SVU and Criminal Intent ever made because those are the only shows I can stand to watch over and over again. I cross stitch. I nap. I eat. I take potty breaks. Again I beg you, hear me when I say this: that is my life! From 7:00am to midnight, that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.

When I ask for help, it feels as if I'm being humored. When I beg for help, I end up feeling blown off or ignored. Do people not realize that I would love to have my biggest concerns "how many birthday parties I have to attend" or "where I'm going to drink myself into oblivion for St. Patrick's Day". I wish my days weren't spent with the following thoughts cycling through my head:

"am I doing enough to protect Tiny"
"how do I protect Elliott Richard from Gavin"
"how do I protect Gavin from himself"
"how do I help Rob without endangering Tiny"
"should I call Dr. D"
"if I go to L&D will they even take me seriously"
"was that another contraction? how many does that make now?"

Do any of you know what that's like?! Do any of you know how it feels to know that you are responsible for getting this tiny new life through to the end? Do any of you know how it feels to know that you could do everything right and it still not be enough? Do you know how it feels to know that even if (because it is an IF at this point) we make it to the end, it may not be close enough to the end? Or it may not matter anyway?

Some days I can't help but wonder, do any of you even care? Granted I'm pregnant and hormonal. I'm carrying your unborn niece/nephew. Your grandson. Your great-grandson. Your cousin. And yet no one can be bothered to go out of their way for us. Three people call me or text me in any given day. Three people email me on a consistent basis: Julie (without her right now I'd be lost), Tammy (my sidelines buddy) and Kelly (my other sidelines buddy). I have received two cards in the mail: one from Great Grandma Gene and one from Merrilee.

I understand that people are busy. I know that you all have your own lives. So if you can't call me, fine. (And honestly all the talking on the phone can be quite exhausting.) Send me an email. Or a card in the mail. (I keep all of my cards for Tiny's hatbox.) Send me a text message while you watch television. (I have unlimited texting now.) Heck, send me smoke signals! I'm desperate here. I'm dying to feel like I'm still a part of the world. I'm dying to feel like people care what the heck happens to us while we are locked away in our own little Hell.

15 down ~ 120 to go

Well my second temp nurse, Brenda, came out to see me this morning. She was super nice and absolutely wonderful at giving the 17P injection. Thank God. Here are the stats for the day:

Temp: 98.7
BP: 94/60
Tiny's HB: 141bpm

Overall it was a pretty laid back.

Sorry, I don't feel well and I'm not in the mood to write.

4 hours later...

Seriously, here's the timeline of the evening. I'll fill in the details in the end.

4-5pm ~ I started to feel as if I was leaking amniotic fluid.
5:30pm ~ I called Dr. D's answering service.
5:45pm ~ I spoke with the on-call nurse. She told me to go immediately to the ER/L&D. Rob's dad picked up the boys.
6:15pm ~ We left for the hospital.
6:30pm ~ Arrived at the hospital. RAN up to L&D with ER nurse. (I'm not kidding.)
7:00pm ~ Finally got placed in a triage room!
8:00pm ~ First nurse came into the room to finally took my vitals and hooked me up to the monitors.
9:00pm ~ The man-handler (aka Dr.) came in, asked a few questions, did an exam and left.
10:30pm ~ Nurse came in to discharge me.

If you're observant, you noticed the HUGE time gaps. You also noticed that I saw a human being all of like 3 times in 4 hours. The ER seemed to take things far more seriously than L&D. When I say that the nurse ran us up stairs (I was in a wheelchair.), I'm not kidding. We ran up. The nurse in L&D checked me in and then left me to sit in my wheelchair in the "Family Waiting Area" for a half hour. Every 10 mins or so she would say "We'll be with you in a few minutes." (Hence the title of the blog.) After a half an hour, she finally took us back to a triage room. Where we sat for a full hour before Rob got up and went looking for someone. In that hour, no one came in and checked on me. No one took my vitals. No one checked on Tiny. Keep in mind that we thought I was loosing fluid. We were a little peeved.

Rob went and found a nurse. She came in and took my vitals and hooked me up to the monitor. I was having irritabilities every 2-3 mins. They didn't do anything about them. They questioned every medication Dr. D has me on. The resident wanted to know why I was on Procardia. When I explained she gave me a "look". The exam, I won't go there. Let's just say that resident's true calling was not as a doctor. Dominatrix, masochist, torture chamber artist would have been a good fit. Basically anything that doesn't require bedside manner etc. would have been a perfect fit.

An hour later we saw the nurse again for a few minutes and then she was gone again. We kept telling her I was due for my Heparin and Procardia. She said I could take my Procardia but when I asked for a glass of water I was told, "I'll be back in a few minutes." Are you noticing a pattern here? She came back almost an hour later, without the water. But she did go and get it. They never did give me my Heparin.

When they finally discharged me, my own nurse was too busy. She sent a nurse who nothing about my "case" and therefore couldn't answer any questions. However, she wanted me to take a wheelchair out because I'm supposed to be on bed rest. She got me in the wheelchair and then left me there in the hallway. My nurse wandered over and was telling me in the hallway (bye-bye patient confidentiality) about how they didn't find any evidence that I'm leaking fluid. Usually they say it's an infection but I don't have one of those either. So they finally decided that Tiny was putting pressure on my bladder and causing me to pee myself. (Because obviously I can't tell the difference!)

I know that's not what it was. I'm not saying I was definitely leaking fluid but I am saying that something was going on. And that something wasn't me peeing myself! Argh!

So that was my night in L&D. I felt ignored. And at times I wondered if it didn't have something to do with the fact that I hadn't reached the age of viability yet. Rob doesn't want me to deliver at that hospital now. I probably will though because they are a better facility. But last night definitely didn't instill any confidence in me, that's for sure.

Disaster. That about sums up the evening. Home now. Will post more later...if my laptop decides to play nice. *sigh* <Lizze :)>

Waiting for a rm. I may be leaking fluid. Please pray that I'm wrong, that Tiny is safe & sound & no cervical change. <Lizze :)>

On our way to L&D. Will update later. Pray! Pray! Pray! <Lizze :)>