Cheerio Confessions

It has been one ridiculously long day.

It started late last night/early this morning. As Julie's husband Bob put it (so perfectly in my opinion) when referring to their son, Cooper a few weeks ago; the Gremlin in Emmett John came out last night.

He nursed and nursed and nursed some more. Then when there was nothing left to be had while nursing, when I was completely drained, he screamed. I kept trying to get him to nurse anyway because that's the only way to increase my supply. He wasn't having it. Period. End of story. Finally, he was exhausted (he wasn't alone here) and fell asleep (he wasn't alone there either).

We spent most of today with Emmett still channeling his inner-Gremlin. The Zantac wasn't helping much. He didn't want held or put down. He didn't want rocked or bounced. He wanted to nurse. No wait, he didn't want to nurse. It was exhausting.

Then he nursed at about 10:30am. By noon he was doing this funky "gagging" that he does sometimes. I kept an eye on him. Tried to calm him down, since it freaks him out sometimes. But it wasn't working. Next thing I know, he's spitting up all over the both of us. Then the fussing got worse because he had basically emptied his stomach so now he wanted to nurse again. I wanted to distract him so I gave him a bath, which served double duty because he needed it anyway after spitting up all over himself. Typically, he loves baths until I start washing him. Then he hates them. Today, he continued to scream from start to finish. Totally unlike himself. Grand total between noon and 1:30pm Emmett spit up 3 times. The first time (all over the both of us). The second and third times were just after he ate. He gave about half of everything he'd just eaten back to me.

At 2:30pm Emmett and I took Gavin to occupational therapy. He fussed and screamed the whole way there. Then when we left to do some running around. At that point my gut was screaming at me, "Something is wrong here!" So I called Dr. H's office.

The nurse had me take him in at 4:45pm. First, we weighed him in the "bucket scale" which is just a scale that he reclines in rather than the flat scale. He's gained another 7 1/2 oz in 4 days!!!!Craziness I tell you. Dr. H checked him out. He said that he's pretty sure it's just a really bad reflux day. So we're supposed to give him the Maalox between Zantac doses for the time being. If that works, then he'll increase Emmett's dose of Zantac. He's on call tonight so if Emmett gets worse (more forceful spitting up, blood or bile in the spit up, inconsolable or completely lethargic) we're supposed to call ASAP. Other wise I'm supposed to call his office with an update in the morning.

So far he's been pretty good since we left Dr. H's office. Of course, what better way to make a liar out of Mommy. lol I'm still floored by the weight gain...but I'm going to go be floored in my sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm fighting to keep my eyes open at this point...

Get it? It's a play on the old television show "Hawaii Five-0" only it's Two-0 because Elliott Richard is 2 and Emmett John is (technically) 0. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I know I'm lame. lol (Although, hopefully you'll get the reference once you see the onesie Emmett John is wearing.)

I keep trying to catch Emmett smiling. I also keep missing. On the bright side, I'm getting some down right adorable pictures of the E's. That said, here's another daily dose of "The Dueling E's". I know you were having withdrawl symptoms. ;) lol

Here's your fix. :)

"You want me to do what?!"

Emmett John, the Archer...strike a pose!

(otherwise known as "Vogue-ing" lol)

Sportin' the "Hawaii 2-0" look courtesy of Apple :)

"Mom, I'm serious. No more pictures."

Deep thoughts

(No, I didn't pose this picture. Seriously, you try posing a 5 week old. lol)

"I take it."

(That's what Elliott Richard says when he wants to hold Emmett. Obviously, Emmett was less than thrilled with the arrangement. lol)

How many of you have siblings? Now how many of you are close to your siblings?

My Mom is 1 of 6. She has 4 sisters and 1 brother. She doesn't really see or talk to her brother much. But she's pretty close to her sisters. She sees them as often as possible and talks to them at least once a week if not more.

Rob is the oldest of six. He has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. He's pretty close with them too. We see them as often as possible and he talks to them on the phone once every week or two.

Enter the reason behind this particular blog. I, being the odd woman out, have one single baby brother. Although, admittedly, he's not a "baby" anymore at 17 years old. There are 10 1/2 years between us. All I ever wished for growing up was "a baby brother or sister". Every fountain wish. Every birthday wish. Letter to Santa. You name it and I asked, begged and wished for a sibling to/from them.

Somewhere around my 9th birthday I came to grips with the reality of being an only child. Not long after I had made my piece with my sibling-less station in life, my parents announced they were surprisingly pregnant! (It was a much more traumatic experience than that but we won't go there. Right Mom? lol) Now I was thrilled the whole pregnancy that my wishes were finally coming true. Then he was born. In that moment I realized that I did actually care if it was a brother or a sister. And I suddenly found myself wishing I had been a bit more specific in my wishing. Lol (I actually told my Dad to "put him back" but he said Mom wasn't going for that. At the time I didn't completely understand why. Needless to say, I understand now. lol)

There I was 10 1/2 years old with this new little brother. Who, for the record, was *nothing* like what I had imagined. He wasn't the least bit fun. And then as we grew up, he was mildly spoilt. (Okay, so was I but at 10 1/2 years old I didn't see that. lol) In all honesty, I spent a large portion of the rest of my childhood either ignoring him or giving him a hard time. I'm growing to regret this decision.

I see my mom with her siblings and Rob with his siblings; and I'm envious. I wish I were closer to Zachary. At this point, I don't even know how to go about trying to build a relationship with him. He's 17. My Mom said to give him a few years. That she became really close with her youngest sister only after they had grown up and married, started working on starting families.

Maybe it's the ADHD in me. Maybe it's the fact that everyday I stare down the idea of losing my family. Or the fact that he has a chronic disease and as his big sister I just want to make it all better and protect him. I only wish I knew how. Even on a basic, almost superficial level. I wish I knew how to connect with him, befriend him. I wish I knew how to be a better big sister.

Tonight our hometown had it's big firework display, which was the follow-up to the parade this morning and the ending of a week long festival. And just let me tell you this, there's nothing quite like hearing every high school marching band in the county peppered inbetween every fire department and their sirens and then wrapping it all up with a float playing nothing but heavy metal rock music. Yeah, that was my Saturday morning. Did I mention we live just off the parade route? Yeah, we do.

Anyway, back to the fireworks...Grandma and PaPa G and Aunt Kate came over to watch with Emmett John and I. Daddy stayed home with Gavin and Elliott Richard. Gavin couldn't go because the noise and excitement would have set him off. And Elliott Richard didn't go because he wore himself out playing Grandma and PaPa's house tonight so he actually fell sleep before 9 o'clock tonight. (Yippee!)

So the four of us: Grandma G, PaPa G, Aunt Kate and I took Emmett to his first set of fireworks. I don't know if he enjoyed them or not though because he slept through them. The big, loud "booming" ones startled him at first but he got used to them. lol

It was too dark for me to get any pictures of Emmett but I did manage to get some pictures and video of the fireworks. Enjoy! :)

This was a smile only my reflexes aren't what they used to be before sleep deprivation. lol

"Party at my crib 2 a.m."

(Sportin' the onesie from "Auntie" Nikky. I wonder if she was trying to warn me of what was to come....)

Brotherly snuggles

Sportin' his "Finding Nemo" bandaid

Sportin' his crazy, silly face

I know many of you are patiently waiting for an update to the Please Pray blog. I appreciate all of your prayers, thoughts, emails, etc. It helps just knowing that y'all care. When I have something definitive to post...y'all will be the first to know. After Rob, of course. ;)

Mr. Emmett John had a follow-up appointment with Dr. H today. Dr. H wanted to check him out now that he's been on the Xantac for his reflux for a little over a week.

We got there. Checked in. Went back to the room. Weighed Emmett John. And this is where things get crazy. My Tiny...Mr. Exclusively-Breastfed...now weighs 9lb 15.5oz!!! He gained 1lb 2oz in 8 days!!! I asked Dr. H if that was normal and he said, "It makes him an over-achiever." lol

Dr. H checked Emmett out. And I asked about a zillion questions...

Emmett's belly button still bleeds a little bit from time to time. Dr. H said he has the tiniest little bit left to heal but he doesn't feel it needs cauterized.

He's got a rash across his shoulder blades. It's heat rash, nothing to worry about.

The Xantac is working great! As is the milk-free diet and I've never wanted a milk shake or bowl of cereal so badly in my entire life!

Then during his exam Dr. H noticed that the fat rolls on Emmett's legs are uneven. (I didn't even know they looked at stuff like that!!!) He said that it's probably just one leg is chubbier than the other but it could also be his hips. Apparently uneven fat rolls can signify an issue with loose hips. So now Emmett needs to have an ultrasound done on his hips (x-rays don't help right now because his hip bones aren't calcified so there's nothing there to show up) to check his hips. If it is his hips (and not uneven chub) he'll have to wear a special "pants" to hold his legs in a certain position while nature takes it's course.

Overall, Tiny is practically perfect in every way. Again. :)

We've got smiles!!!

Emmett John gave Daddy and I our first real social smiles this afternoon!

I've been trying get an enchore performance all day so I could take a few pictures to post but he hasn't been playing along. lol

All stretched out...

A little help from Mommy with that tricky bink.

(it never stays in for very long lol)

Waving hello to his peeps!

Cold and naked - Emmett John's two least favorite things in the world.

Friends don't let friends play with the setting on their camera phones. lol Even though this picture is yellow (and thereby ruined) I love the expression on his face. lol

Elliott Richard sporting his boo-boo and a cheesey grin

Just lounging and enjoying some Oreos.

Up close and personal

Showing off sippy

Playing with his helicopter

Elliott Richard's new love...all things mechanical that fly.

Boppy-headed Daddy (lol)

(Yes, I know the picture is blurry. That's what happens when you take pictures while laughing hysterically.)

Mommy and the "Babes"

The Return of Boppy-headed Daddy

There are many things going on right now in our lives. Things I don't really feel comfortable blogging about at this time. Maybe another time. Until then please pray for us. We need all the prayers you can spare on our behalf. Please.

I don't know if this will work. On the off chance it does, here's a video of Elliott Richard saying his newest words (with translations supplied by me) I took this morning.

So we are van shopping out of necessity. Since Emmett was born we are driving places in shifts. Also with Gavin's current condition deteriorating we need more room. Anyway, we have been looking for a little while and realized vans are pretty expensive. We found one that we really like and it's about $1500 less then the blue book value. We need a van with captain seat in the middle so we can get to Gavin if we need to. Also with the bench seats we would have to undo the car seats each time he got in and out.... So here's a clip of the one we are looking at.....

It's 11:25pm as I begin to write this. We are all just getting to bed. Gavin spending the night at Grandma W's. Rob is finishing some work with Elliott Richard's "help" before they head off to bed. I just climbed into bed with a very fussy Emmett John a few minutes ago.

Our day has consisted of 2 different doctors appointments, 3 different medical tests, and 8 hours total for it all.

Gavin had an appointment at 1:00pm with Dr. R, his psychiatrist. That appointment lasted 2 1/2 hours. It included 1 major meltdown, a few manipulations, a lot of conversation and planning. In the end, it was once again determined that Gavin is an especially difficult case and no one truly knows what to do to help him. Or us. However, rather than do nothing (except to slowly go insane) we are going to cut his dose of Abilify (again) by more than half and add a new medication on a temporary basis to try and "reset" his anxiety level. I pray to God it works. We can't keep living in a war zone.

By the time we got out of Dr. R's office it was 3:00pm. Emmett John's 1 month/jaundice follow-up appointment was at 4:00pm, which meant we didn't have time to get home and drop Rob and Gavin off and then for Emmett John and I to get back in time. So we grabbed a bite to eat to kill some time.

Emmett's appointment was at 4:00pm. We didn't get back to the exam room until about 4:30pm. The nurse measured Emmett and then we weighed him. He grew another 1/4 inch in two weeks. He's now 21.5 inches long. His weight gain is what kills me! Mr. Emmett John now weighs 8lb 13.5oz. Meaning he gained a pound and a half in 2 weeks!!!!! Not bad for an exclusively breastfed baby. (This is the point where my cousin Sam would tell me I don't make milk. I make butter. lol)

When Dr. H came in to chat and examine Emmett we mentioned Emmett's fussiness and clingy behavior since Saturday/Sunday. I honestly didn't think too much of it but we figured it was worth mentioning. He asked a few dozen questions and said it's most likely colic. Possibly some minor reflux but probably colic. Then while we was examining Emmett he noticed that he had pooped so to be sure he did a fecal hemioccult test (testing for blood in his stool). The test was ever so slightly positive. This led to two more of the same test. One inconclusive. One negative. So Dr. H sent Emmett for a CBC blood draw to be sure. The CBC was normal except his red bloodcell count was low. We sat and talked over everything with Dr. H for a while and in the end we decided that he would send Emmett John for an abdominal x-ray just to be sure that there wasn't something we were missing. By this time it was 6:00pm and we'd been in doctors appointments for 5 hours. So we left Dr. H's office and made a quick stop at Rob's parents' house so I could nurse Emmett. Then it was off to the hospital for the x-ray.

The x-ray went really quick and easy. Then we waited while the radiologist read it and paged Dr. H. Who then called us back at the hospital. Everything was perfect! He said it's most likely colic but he wants us to give him 1/4 teaspoon of Maalox or Mylanta every 6-8 hours when he's fussy to see if it helps. If that helps, then it's likely some mild reflux and we can get him a prescription to help. He said that it could also be a milk sensitivity and just to cover all of our bases, he wants me cut all of the main milk products out of my diet. No more milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream etc. If the no milk thing helps but doesn't fix it, I'll have to decide if I want to cut all milk and soy products out or switch to formula. (Sound familiar, Sammers?) But for now at least we have a game plan.

All told, we spent 8 hours either at doctors' appointments or in the hospital. By the time I started this blog at 11:25pm, I was absolutely exhausted. In fact, I'm only finishing it now because Emmett decided it would be fun to hang out and check out the night time scenery in between bouts of fussing and screaming in my ear.

I love being a mom. ;)

Emmett John is 4 weeks old today. He will officially be 1 month old on Saturday, July 26th. Here are the things I've noticed over the past week...

• He is awake for about a half hour 2-3 times a day.
• He's been very fussy and clingy over the past few days. Only wanting Mommy most of the time.
• We discovered the joys of the Boppy pillow (pictures coming soon). He will chill in it for maybe 10 mintues each time he is awake just checking out the scenery and enjoying the view.
• He gets a super concerned look on his face whenever he gets the hiccups.
• He isn't quite sure about this thing called "Brotherly Love" from Elliott Richard. (see picture in previous post)
• He has officially graduated to Size 1 diapers and is quickly out-growing his Newborn sized clothes!
• He has the softest little hands and feet. I am just in love with them.
• He had his first official bath (completely submerged and everything)!
• Big noises don't seem to bother him very much (i.e. Gavin's fits) for the most part but tiny little noises make him jump out of his skin.

Big yawn!

(I don't know why but I just love this picture. lol)

My chunky monkey sporting his Size 1 diaper!

(Woo whoo!)

More Brotherly Love

(I love this one because Emmett just does not look too sure about this "brotherly love" thing. lol)

My Permanent Attachment

(This is where Emmett John has been located for the past 2-4 days.)

"Who me?! I didn't do it!"

Yesterday was my due date. I didn't even realize it until my Mom said something while we were gabbing on the phone. That's three due dates I've had come and go in life. (Four due dates if you count the miscarriage in 2005.)

I know things are figured differently for preemies (even "late term preemies" like Emmett) but I've never really understood the whole adjusted age thing. But basically that means that Emmett John is now officially full term. :)

I can't believe that yesterday was the "Goal" but he's already been here for 4 weeks. Life is just crazy sometimes.

*Where my girls at?*
I've been blessed enough recently to see "Sex and the City" the movie. I love it. But I find myself wondering the same thing I wonder while watching the television show. I find myself wondering if having a group of girls to go through life with is the norm. Are they normal? Thereby making me abnormal in the fact that my best friends are women I've never met. Or am I normal in the fact that I lost touch with my high school friends and never really became super duper close with another group of females since then?

Don't get me wrong here, I have girlfriends. I have Debbie, whom I love to bits. I have Gavin's teachers, whom I talk to about nearly everything when school is in session. I have my mom, my aunts and my cousins; as well as Rob's mom and sisters. But it just seems different. It feels different than what I imagine it must feel like to be Carrie and the girls.

So which is it blogland? Am I normal for not having a posse of girlfriends with standing dinner dates etc? Or am I a freak of nature who is missing out?

*Hypothetically, do you think...*
I was asked today if I felt (hypothetically) that having Gavin living some place else that was safe, with people I trusted would help our situation.

My answer?

I believe that once we all adjusted and "recovered" we would emotionally and mentally be in a better place.

This probably sounds mean and cruel but please allow me to explain. I feel this way because if Gavin were living some place else safe (i.e. with my parents), Rob and I would no longer have to keep Gavin separated from the boys. Our home would no longer a war zone. We wouldn't have to either reprimand Gavin or Elliott Richard for doing what comes naturally to them. (Being affectionate in Elliott Richard's case. Hating physical contact in Gavin's case.) We wouldn't have to worry about Elliott Richard or Emmett John getting caught in one of Gavin's rages. There are so many things that we wouldn't have to worry about.

Would we miss him? Absolutely.

Would we feel horrible having to separate our family like that? Without a doubt.

Would it help us all to survive in the end? Probably.

(Disclaimer: I am not asking for help, money or handouts. I am writing this blog to help you further understand exactly where we are and to get it all out of my head. So please do not take the portion below (or the portion above for that matter) as anything other than information.)

*Is it possible?*
Is it possible that the light at the end of our tunnel is a train? Or two? Or ten?

I mean there are so many things that we will work our entire lives to get out from under and still never see the light of day.

For example, we need a new home for various reasons. However, our options are limited by many things. We cannot live in an apartment, duplex, townhouse etc because of Gavin and his "something more". Which leaves buying a house, renting a house or a land contract.

There is a house we love. It belonged to a very dear friend of ours and Rob's parents/family. We are praying for a miracle to happen that will allow for us to get this house. Miracles of this type and magnitude do not happen to/for us.

We have been fighting for 7-8 years in order to live in a war zone. Every time it feels as though progress has been made and the end of the war (not just the end of a particular battle) is near, another motion is filed and we are thrown back into a life of turmoil. This battle has cost us more emotionally, mentally, psychologically and physically than anyone can imagine. Financially it has cost us $50,000 and that amount is still climbing. If we are ever able to end the war and cease paying in all ways not financial, we will still be buried under that financial debt.

We currently have a small family car. It is nowhere near large enough for our family. Especially not with Gavin and his "something more". We need a van. Desperately. My mother has offered to help us. Too bad we may have to choose between a new home and a "new" car.

Even the small things are making life more difficult. A few months ago my laptop died. It was nearly 10 years old so it was bound to happen. However, now it's gone. I'm without a laptop. And while this may not seem like a big deal to some of you, especially given everything else we have going on at the moment. For me, with Emmett John so fussy and clingy that I can't put him down I need that laptop to keep up with the Etsy store. I need it to keep listing cards. To keep bringing in a little bit of extra income. I need it for my sanity. It's gone. I don't know if/when we'll have the money to replace it.

At this point, I'm having a really difficult time trusting in God and having faith that those lights are not trains. Many, many trains.

So much of our lives for the past 8 years has been wrapped up in Gavin. Now he is coming unraveled and taking our family down with him. I have called everyone I know to call. I'm waiting to hear back. I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I, me personally, need to break-down. I need some help. I'm not likely to get any. I think Emmett's fussy period is because I'm so stressed out. I'm worried that if I can't get a break, get some help, or something then my milk supply is going to suffer. That may seem like a silly thing to worry about given everything else that we have going on but it's important to me. Breastfeeding is important to Emmett and important to me to be able to give him that advantage.

This blog does absolutely nothing to convey exactly how lost I feel. I'm sitting here watching everything fall apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I love being a wife and mother more than anything else and I know I'm completely useless in both regards lately. My patience is gone. I'm falling short on keeping up with stuff. My marriage is suffering. We are about to be faced with some very difficult decisions and I'm so worried that they will tear my marriage apart.

I honestly don't know what to do...I am completely and utterly lost.

Rob and I met with Patty tonight. Things are gettinng messier with every passing hour.

Gavin had meltdowns all day long. He is rapid cycling. One minute he was hyper, talking really fast (more insane rambling than talking), very animated. The next minute he was flying off the handle, freaking out, melting down and completely falling apart.

If we told him "no", he would first say "okay" and seem totally fine with it. Then he would disolve into a rage 2 minutes later.

Round and round we went today.

We have an emergency appointment with Dr. R on Thursday. They are discussing switching Gavin's medications again. We are running out of options as far as medications for Gavin goes. Personally, I think it's going to take a "cocktail" of different medications to truly stabilize him. Not just the "perfect dose" of one, single medication.