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You gotta have faith?!

10:25:00 PM Posted In Edit This 2 Comments »
Okay, it's no huge surprise that I have been having a pretty serious (at least in my book) crisis of faith lately. I'm hurt. Pissed off. Angry. Try as I might to just give up and give in, I can't. (And believe me when I say I've TRIED.) There is a part of me that is sincerely done, that doesn't want anything more to do with any of it. Seriously, if I could just...stop. I would. I'm completely jaded at this point. However, there are a few things that even my semi-cynical mind cannot ignore.

First, out of all the blogs in all the world about how many various topics I am continually drawn to blog full of faith. Complete. Total. Give yourself over. Hold on tight because it's a bumpy ride. Faith. I don't seek them out. Granted, a few I've found through blogs I already read and those blogs also tend to lean more towards the faith-based. So it would stand to reason that following blog links from there may link me to more faith-based blogs. But what of the blogs I find through Google searches? What of the blogs I find just randomly? I'm not searching for things of a faith-base. They just seem to find me.

Second, my resolve as a rebelious teenager is severely lacking. (I'm not the same strong-willed strictly for the sake of being strong-willed gal I used to be once upon a time apparently.) To this end, try as I might to be angry with God. It's just not working for me. Try as I might to stop talking to him. I cannot. Try as I might to stop praying. I keep doing it. Seriously. I have wanted nothing more for the past few weeks to have nothing more to do with God. Period. Ever. I can't seem to do it.

Third, I read these blogs written by those of you with such a strong faith and connection with God. And I covet that. There is a part of me that is...not jealous exactly. I don't want to take it from you, for myself. I want to figure out how you got there. How your faith is so strong. How you just turn it all over to God and trust that it will work out. How did you get there. How do you do it. I read these blogs that I am drawn to and I feel a stirring. An inner screaming of "I WANT THAT!"

Problem is I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to get "that". Rob is Catholic - born and raised. I am Protestant/Non-Denominational. The plan when we got married was for me to convert to Catholism because my religion/faith has never been something of huge importance to me. And it seemed important to him for me to convert. (I'm not saying that it is or was important to him or his family. I'm merely stating that at the time of our marriage 5 years ago I felt that it was of great importance to them. Not judging. Just stating my impression.) Now, I'm not so sure I want to convert. This is going to sound crazy coming from a recently self-proclaimed agnostic (yeah, that's going well don't you think?)...but I don't feel that Catholism is where I personally need to be. I just don't happen to know exactly where I do need to be. If that makes any sense at all...


Marie said...

I understand that feeling of "jealousy" just as much as you do. If you haven't yet, try reading my last post. It seems as though you and I are somewhat in the same predicament.Maybe you and I can figure out this journey together.

Mike and Katie said...

Wow! I will pray for you. My only thought was to figure out what is standing in your way.

For me it was, "How can the Bible be true if evolution is true?"

For some people the existence of evil causes them to doubt. For some people it's the thought of having to give up a particular activity.

I might just have to keep reading to find out where you end up.

Ah...true love...

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