Cheerio Confessions

So we left Dr. H's office and went into the basement of the building to their Radiology department. Mom G hung out with Mr. Emmett John. We waited for maybe 5-10 minutes before the pager (like they use at popular restaurants) went off. I went back with him but then the Radiology tech kicked me out of the room. Gavin said he was okay with me leaving the room, so I went. Before I left I explained to him what was going to happen. He took one look at all the big tubes and whatnot coming from and going to the x-ray machine and asked if we were going to suck his stomach out of his body to take it's picture. (God love him.) I then explained again what would happen and tried my best to assure him that we were not going to suck his stomach out to take it's picture. I was an absolute nervous wreck while they were in there but Gavin did beautifully. He told me later that he was still a little scared about the whole stomach sucking thing but after the first x-ray (they took 2) he was okay. :)

Now we wait. As I said before, Dr. H said he will call me tomorrow and give me the results. If there is something there, we will formulate a plan of attack. If the x-ray is clean, we will just keep an eye on Gavin. If he gets worse, we will obviously call Dr. H back. So now we play the waiting game. Fun. Fun.

I just want to say that I am so incredibly proud of Gavin. Dr. H had about a half dozen newborn patients come in while we waited which threw his schedule off in a big way so we ended up waiting for like an hour in the waiting room. Gavin almost lost it a few times but for the most part he held it together. When we saw Dr. H he answered his questions to the best of his ability and he held it together. The x-rays went far better than I had even dared to hope for. It felt as if I had a hybrid of Gavin-before-Autism and Gavin-with-Autism. His answers and many behaviors were very Autistic. But the manner in which he handled the day was very unlike Gavin with Autism. It was nice and I am so proud of him.

Dr. H came in with a med student. We talked. He cracked jokes about how my kids are on "very short list" of super difficult cases. (lol) He said hi to Mr. Emmett John. Then he checked out Gavin. Dr. H said his tummy felt fine. He sent us downstairs for the x-ray. If the x-ray doesn't show anything, then we'll keep an eye on him and report back if there's any change (ie. Vomitting, stomach ache, potty issues etc). If the x-ray does show something, well then the ride will get a whole lot bumpier and grumpier. Dr. H said we would form a plan of attack then if need be. So x-ray today. Phone call from Dr. H with the results tomorrow.

Hopefully Gavin does okay in the x-ray. I'll be sure to let y'all know.

We sat in the waiting room for about 45 mins. Now we're in the exam room. Today seems to be the day for newborns...teenie, tiny, sleepy newborns. I can hear them all screaming. Emmett John is content for now. Mom G is with me to help with Emmett John. Thank God for her. And the wait continues...I'll update when I have something new to report.

Didn't God see my white flag? Doesn't he understand that I can't possibly carry anymore? Can't he see how much pain I'm in? Hasn't he noticed how I'm buckling under the weight of all I carry now? Can't he see how much I'm struggling? How little sanity I have left? My patience is gone, too. Can't he tell I feel utterly alone? That I feel as if everything I touch falls to pieces. Can't he hear me screaming for him? Why doesn't he answer?

All I've ever wanted, ever since I can remember, was a family. The stereotypical American dream...a house, a husband, a cat and a dog, 2.5 kids. Granted I have .5 more kids and I traded the dog for 2 more cats than the stereotypical American dream but you get the point. Now that I have want I wanted, I don't know if I was up for the challenge.

I've read the poems about being a parent to a child with "something more". I've heard the euphemisms. It's all crap. Complete and utter crap. I didn't plan a trip to Italy and end up in Holland. I am the mother of a child with special needs. Technically, if there is something more complicated than special needs, that would probably fit better. So far Gavin's laundry list of diagnoses are:

Asperger's/Autism
PTSD
ADHD
Bi-Polar
OCD
Sensory Integration Disorder

And now it has come to our attention that Gavin may also have Pica. Apparently he has been eating toilet paper and the stitching on his comforter. Last night he came downstairs and asked us if his gums were bleeding. I told him no and asked why they would be bleeding. He cheerfully informed me that he sometimes cuts his gums when he's eating his blanket. So we had the food vs non-food conversation. During which I asked him why he would eat toilet paper and his blanket. He said because it tastes good and we don't feed him enough so he eats these things.

Now I don't owe anyone an explanation on this matter, however, I will offer one. First of all, we do feed Gavin enough. In reality he eats more than me, the nursing 28 year old grown woman. Also because of his Autism and various mental disabilities he does not possess the ability to self-regulate so we have to limit his access to food. We have tried in the past to allow Gavin to eat until he feels he is full. What ends up happening is he eats until he vomits. Then after he vomits, he tries to go back and eat some more. So we cannot allow him to attempt to self-regulate during meal times. We make sure that he at least gets all of the suggested values on the food pyramid everyday. So please, rest assured that Gavin is getting plenty to eat.

I checked his comforter last night to see which part of it and how much is missing. All of the "decorative" stitching that holds the center of the comforter together, is gone. He's eaten it. The fact that he's eating the toilet paper actually solves a mystery Rob and I have been pondering for a while, where does all of our toilet paper go. Now Gavin believes he's been eating his comforter for 2 years, however, I know that the last time I washed it (maybe a week or so ago) all of the stitching was there. Just to give you an idea of Gavin's mindset about this whole situation, while I was checking his comforter last night Gavin asked me if I would be replacing it. I told him no. Then I aksed, "Why would I?" His response, "Because this one is almost gone." Yup, he expects us to help him continue this behavior. (Oy vay.)

Obviously it's not a good thing that Gavin is eating non-food items. This is new territory for both Rob and myself so the first thing I did was call Patty. She said that contrary to what Gavin is claiming, she does not believe that we are not feeding him enough. She has seen his inability to self-regulate and as such trusts that we are feeding him plenty. She said that us not feeding him enough is an excuse. She doesn't have a lot of experience with Pica so she suggested I call Dr. R and Dr. H and ask them for their thoughts. So I called both of them and left messages with their nurses. Dr. R said Pica is more of a physical, developmental disorder and we should call Dr. H. Then Dr. H's nurse called back. He wants to see Gavin tomorrow (Tuesday) morning and then he will likely refer us for an x-ray. Dr. H wants to make sure that the string Gavin has eaten hasn't formed a solid ball in his stomach because if it has and it tries to make it's way through his system in one piece it will likely cause a bowel obstruction. And so that is where we are now. (By the way, it's 8:30am on Tuesday now because I had to take a break last night when my laptop died.)

In 2 and 1/2 hours I will pack up Gavin and Emmett John. We will pick up Grandma G and head to Dr. H's office. While we are there I will change Gavin's name! (Yay!) Then our morning of ultra-fun, super cool doctor's appointments and tests will begin. (That was sarcasm by the way.) I will update from my phone on Twitter while we are gone and if I get a chance I'll post updates to the blog as well.

Prayers and positive thoughts would be much appreciated.

This was my Sunday:

• Woke up with a migraine and a fibro flare? Check.
• Twins still sick and dribbling poop everywhere? Check.
• Tried to nap but in too much pain to lay down? Check.
• More cat poop? Check.
• Massive Emmett John diaper blow out, which equals still more poop? Check.
• Doubled the laundry to be washed thanks to dribbles and blow outs? Check.
• Broke the light switch in the ceiling fan in our bedroom? Check.
• Cut power to the whole house when I was supposed to only cut it to the bedroom? Check.
• Then spent an hour and a half in the living room with lit candles and all three boys while Rob inspected the damage, went to the store, picked up dinner and fixed the switch? Check.
• Fell asleep begging God for a single night of sleep without waking up every hour? Check.

PS. I got the sleep. :)

cheerio confessions ~ Yup, that would be my blog. Welcome! :)

what should be done with an accidental dose of trileptal? ~ Ouch. We've been there. I hope it turned out okay for you.

confessions of a cf husband ~ A wonderful blog about a beautiful family - Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth Rose. Tricia has CF and had a double lung transplant this year. Gwyneth Rose was a micro-preemie. You can check out their story at Confessions of a CF Husband.

susanb573 blog ~ An intelligent blog about Susan's journey through surrogacy. She has carried two sets of twins for two different gay couples and is currently planning a sibling project for one of her sets of IP (Intended Parents). I think her story is facinating and you can check it out at Adventures in Surrogacy.

morelli chaos ~ This is the blog of a dear friend of mine. I have known her for about 3 years now. She is a mother of three and a nurse. I absolutely adore her. You should check out her blog at Morelli Chaos.

legos and safaris ~ Well, we certainly have plenty of Legos around our house. As for the safari, I've never been to one but life is pretty crazy and jungle-esq around here so nothing would surprise me at this point. (lol)

not me monday ~ Ah yes, MckMama's blog meme/carnival. I love Not Me Monday. It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

song that goes how many times can break.. ~ This would be Rob's current favorite song.

Okay, so we met with Dr. R yesterday. We have opted at this time to not try another Bi-Polar medication because we want to be sure the dust has settled from the Trileptal reaction. However, he is now thinking that while Gavin's official diagnosis is Asperger's, which is a high functioning form of Autism, Dr. R feels that he is now moving up and down the Autistic Spectrum between varying levels of functionality.

Imagine a bead on a string. The end of the string in your right hand is high functioning Asperger's. The end of the string in your left hand is the lower functioning Autism. Typically, a child with Autism/Asperger's will have knots on either side of their bead holding it in place. This does not seem to be the case for Gavin. He seems to move freely between varying levels of functionality. So for the moment we are going to keep him on his current medications and try and just keep him grounded as much as possible. Dr. R wants us to try and interact with him as much as possible, even if all we are doing is playing next to him without any real interaction at all. Hopefully, that will entice him out of his head and back to the higher functioning land of Aspergers.

Overall, Gavin has been doing pretty well lately. We are still having our moments of attitude and back talk, which is so irritating. But for the most part he seems to be making every effort to...not be a rude little snot? (lol) Things could be finally looking up just a bit. Only time will tell.

Let's see...what else.

So I've been reading MckMama's blog for a while now. I am hooked. I admit it. I follow her on Twitter. I have her blog listed on Viigo. I check from my laptop. Anywho, she calls her children MSC's, which stands for Many Small Children. I like this. I decided at the pediatrician's office the other day that I would call my boys M&M's, which stands for Mini Miracles. I feel I should share this with you so that you will know what the heck I'm talking about if I ever say M&M. I am not referring to the candy. Just my very sweet and kissable Mini Miracles.

Moving right along...

The Twins are sick. Oddly enough, my beloved Cleo is not. Which tells me that Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber have been getting into or gotten into something that is not agreeing with them. If only they could be satisfied with the bowl full of cat food but since they aren't and since they choose to eat things that cats should probably not eat, they are sick. And by sick, I mean with the runs. They are pooping all over my house! It is gross. It is disgusting. And yet, I can't seem to do anything more than laugh hysterically while I help Rob clean it up. Okay, I cannot lie, well, actually I can but I choose not to. Honestly, Rob's been cleaning it up way more than me. However, in my defense, I'm usually caring for an M&M when I spot the poop spots. So we looked up the issue on the web since it really doesn't warrant a trip for two to the Vet ER. And seriously, we don't have like $3000 to take them. Well, the web says that they shouldn't eat for at least 24 hours to give whatever it is that is irritating them a chance to work it's way out. So we've taken the food away and been feeding Cleo while she's locked in the bathroom. The Twins are less than thrilled with this arrangement. But life sucks. Maybe if they would stop eating bad things they could have a bowl full of food again. But they won't. So they're sick. And my house is...well, let's just not think about that right now.

And last but certainly not least, the paperwork for the adoption has come through! Everything is really official now. I will pick up our copy on Monday from my attorney and then I can drive all over God's creation and change Gavin's name. :) Those papers also mean that Gavin will never go to Nick's or his mother's again. He will never see them, talk to them, hear from them or generally contact them again - at least while he's a minor. Whoo woo!

And with that bit of amazing good news, I am going to get Emmett John ready for bed and go catch some zzzzz's before it's 4am, which arrives way to fast.

I was looking for a way to say "comment" in an unique and unusual way. www.dictionary.com gave me this:

ob·i·ter dic·tum [ob-i-ter dik-tuhm]
-noun, plural ob·i·ter dic·ta [ob-i-ter dik-tuh] .
1.
an incidental or passing remark, opinion, etc.
2.
Law. an incidental or supplementary opinion by a judge in deciding a case, upon a matter not essential to the decision, and therefore not binding as precedent.

I liked that I hadn't seen it on any other blogs. Plus I felt that the legal reference made it uniquely fitting to my life and blog. :)

Hope this helps. :)

Okay, Emmett John is fussy so this is going to be the fastest update I can manage. (Yeah, right. lol) Please forgive me if this seems jumbled and disconnected, Emmett John and Elliott Richard aren't big on sleep at the moment.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in nearly forever. I simply haven't been in the mood, which stinks because I was hoping to partake in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) but I can only do so much. I do apologize though if my being MIA has made any of you worry.

Gavin

About a month ago Gavin was started on a new bi-polar medication, 150mg Trileptal BID. Everything was fine. It seemed to be working. His moods were gradually evening out. Then the bottom fell out. His moods took a nose dive. He began rapid cycling again. So we called Dr. R and he decided to double Gavin's dose to 300mg BID, which he had planned to do anyway. So two weeks ago, we double the Trileptal. We give Gavin his meds and proceed with getting ready for Gavin and Elliott Richard's flu shot appointments. On our way to Dr. H's office for flu shots, Gavin broke out in a serious rash. Dr. H wasn't in the office but one of the other peds saw him and confirmed that it was a reaction to the Trileptal. She said that there wasn't anything we could do for the itching (apparently Benedryl doesn't work on drug reaction rashes), so that was fun. We were told to keep an eye on his breathing etc but told he should be fine. (Ever try explaining to an Autistic 8 year old that he can't scratch and you can't help the itch? Yeah, I don't recommend it.) Since the ped wasn't worried, we sent Gavin to my Mom's as planned. At like midnight or 1am our phone rings. Gavin now has a fever, the chills etc. His breathing was fine so Mom gave him Tylenol for the fever and we all went back to sleep. He was fine in the morning so it appeared that the worst had passed. Until he got home. The chills, fever etc had returned. He was now running a 104 degree fever! So Rob is calling Dr. R and Dr. H's offices trying to figure out what to do. I'm trying to get Gavin comfortable and giving him Tylenol etc. Dr. R's office decides he has the flu and not a drug reaction at all. Dr. H's office said to keep a very close eye on him, if anything changed or the fever hit 105 we were told to call back ASAP. To give a general idea of how Gavin was feeling, he went to bed at 5pm and slept through the night until 8am the next day!!!!!! (This is a big deal because I don't think he's slept that much since he was Emmett John's age!) On the bright side, he recovered really quick. On the not-so-bright side, I'm definitely not going to win "Mother of the Year" this year. When Gavin went back to school, I accidentally gave him the 150mg dose of Trileptal. Luckily, he survived and we now know for 100% certain that Dr. H was right (it was a drug reaction) and Dr. R was wrong (it was NOT the flu). So while he broke out in a rash again, he handled it like a champ and it was gone within a day or two. So since this whole drama went down Gavin has been unmedicated for his bi-polar, which at the very least is making things interesting. Rob and I see Dr. R today to figure out what the next step is.

Other than that whole mess, things with Gavin have been fairly....typical for Gavin. He's rapid cycling. We're struggling to keep up with him. The whole situation is just exhausting. Of course that could have something to do with the fact that he hasn't adjusted to the time change at all. He puts himself to bed at 6pm every night and asks for him meals an hour early. We've tried to explain it to him but he doesn't get it. Poor thing. Hopefully he'll adjust soon.

On a positive note, a few days after the adoption was finalized (we should have the paperwork any day now - woo who!) the school had an Awards Assembly for the students. Gavin received awards for Perfect Attendance (which was blown for this grading period with the drug reaction), an award for meeting his reading goals with his Title 1 tutor, and another one I can't remember. (Hey, I already told you I wasn't winning Mother of the Year.) The school even went and changed his name on all of his awards so that they read Gavin G. :)

Elliott Richard

Well, unofficially potty training has begun. We've started buying Elliott Richard Lightning McQueen Pull-Ups. It took a little bit of convincing to get him to wear them but now he's in love. He's now changing his own diapers, well, he's taking his wet (and dirty - unfortunately) diapers off and then running around the house buck naked screaming "New biper!" He also tells us (sometimes before and sometimes after the diaper removal) that he's peed or pooped. He will sit on the potty, sometimes for nearly an hour. Then he gets up, puts on a Pull-Up and pees. Oy. So progress is slow and basically non-existent at some points but we are getting there.

During Gavin's whole Trileptal reaction, Elliott Richard received his flu shot. I expected a lot of tears and screaming. Daddy said that he was fine with the shot. (I was meeting with the ped about Gavin.) It was having his legs held down that ticked him off. Once they let him go, he was fine. lol I swear he never ceases to amaze me.

Other than that stuff, there's really not much to report in the land of Elliott Richard. He's still completely obsessed with Emmett John and helping me as much as possible. Which usually means that whatever I'm doing is taking twice as long as it would normally but whatever. He's growing like a weed. Eating us out of house and home or not eating at all. (I just love the terrible two's!) And as his hair grows back from his first hair cut, I'm thrilled to say that it is still wavy/curly! :)

Emmett John

I think I probably have the most to update on when it comes to Mr. Emmett John.

I'm thrilled to report that Emmett John is now the new and improved wireless version. We saw Dr. K and our nurse Vick at the Apnea Clinic last month (yes, I'm really that behind). The only concern they had was one Apneic episode that wasn't a full-fledged episode. His breathing slowed way down and then seconds after his breathing picked up again his heart rate dropped. Since they didn't happen simultaneously, it doesn't count as a true Apneic Episode and he was cleared for release. :)

Since then, he's gained a few pounds and grew a few inches. He now weighs 17lb 3oz and is 26.75 inches long!!!! That's the 80th and 90th percentiles respectively!! Craziness I tell ya.

He's been babbling and laughing (whenever he isn't screaming in pain from the reflux) for a while now but he's recently added the squealing to his list of tricks. He seems to have a very select sense of humor though. Only certain silly noises, scaring/startling him and whatever it is Daddy does seems to amuse him. Although there are times now when he will laugh when he hears someone else laugh, which is super cute! He gets super excited when he sees Mommy, Daddy or Elliott Richard. (Gavin hasn't shown much interest in him so Emmett John doesn't see him hardly ever.) He's rolled over but didn't seem terribly impressed with the accomplishment and hasn't done it in a while. He can't decide between his thumb, his Nuk binkie (he'll take other binkies but strongly prefers the Nuks), and this little blanket I actually bought for Gavin like 7 years ago. He had his first bowl of cereal on Wednesday. In keeping with his tradition of being polar opposite of everything I know from raising Gavin and Elliott Richard, Emmett loves his cereal. I couldn't shovel it in fast enough. lol He holds on to toys that we hand him for a moment or two but gets the biggest kick out of reaching/batting at his hanging toys on his bouncy seat. Speaking of which, he loves that bouncy seat. He'd sit there and kick (making it bounce) all day long if it weren't for little annoyances like hunger and diaper changes. lol

We are keeping a close eye on his reflux because he is on 15mg of Prevacid once a day and he developed a hoarse voice about two weeks ago that isn't really going away. It hasn't gotten any worse, which is something I suppose, but it's not really improving either. We saw Dr. H yesterday for his 4 month checkup and 3 of the 5 vaccines he was due for. Dr. H said to give it until the middle/end of next week, if it hasn't gone away by then I'm supposed to call back and he'll send Emmett to a ENT to have his vocal cords checked out. Other than the hoarseness, Mr. Emmett John is practically perfect in every way. And quite possibly the cutest 4.5 month old in the house. ;)

The Adoption & Legal Issues

Not a whole lot to report on this front. The paperwork for the adoption has been filed. We are just waiting on the judge to sign and date them and get them back to my attorney. At that point I can drive around town and change Gavin's last name with everyone. The school is almost as excited about this as we are. ;)

As for the fact that Gavin will never see them again, well Rob is currently out having "Guy Time" with Gavin to discuss that very fact. Per the suggestion of Dr. R. So I will be sure to update you on how that went when I know more.

There is still the small matter of the contempt motion that Pam filed against me. I filed an objection on September 4th and we just learned that the courts are requesting transcripts from the court date on July 31st. (You know, the court date I didn't attend because I felt it wasn't in Emmett John's best interest?) John, my attorney, emailed Pam's attorney handling the matter and informed him of the adoption and the circumstances surrounding the adoption and the only response he's received so far was "I'll have to get back to you." This lead me to believe that Pam and/or Nick hadn't informed him that Nick no longer has any rights to Gavin. That was probably an interesting conversation. The way John has explained it to me, Pam can drop the whole case but since I didn't do what I was court ordered to do the magistrate can still try and force the jail time issue if he really has a bee in his bonnet over me. This remains to be seen, however, I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I do.

Life in General

Life in general is...well, it's life. I'm exhausted. Emmett John gets up at 4am every morning. Elliott Richard usually isn't too far behind - getting up at 5 or 6am. I'm up so I usually just bring Elliott downstairs with me so that Rob can sleep. That way if we have a few empty hours during the day I can grab a nap. I've started seeing my therapist, Nina, again. I love her. She also has a massage therapist, Kim, whom I also love. She does wonders for my fibro, which is currently kicking my butt. So overall, things are...trying to find a new sort of norm.

Okay, I started this at like 8am this morning. It's now 4pm. Emmett John is screaming because he's tired and starving. I have a raging migraine. We are going to lay down. (Woo whoo!) As soon as Daddy mows up the leaves. (Stupid lawn. Stupid trees. Stupid fall.)

I voted!

Enough said.

Dear Neighbor,

I'm sorry that you are ignorant. I don't know why you feel that paramedics, fire fighters and cops are "a waste of space". Quite frankly, I don't care to know. I am curious though, how do you call men and women who may save you, your family or friends lives a "waste of space"? They were in our neighborhood protecting our homes from the fire in the abandoned house and all you could think to do was insult them? That's classy. Your mother must be proud.

Sincerely,
Color Me Impressed



Dear Driver Whom I've Never Met,

Accidents happen. I get it. Lord knows I've had my fair share. But you hit an animal! You hit and killed someone's dog, their family pet! He had a collar. You were too busy to stop and notify the family. Choosing in stead to leave him for others to handle. The depths of your compassion for another living creature are astounding.

Sincerely,
Not Your Mother but Still Ashamed of the Person You've Become



Dear Politicians,

I understand that you want to make a difference in our great country. I commend you for that. I have one small question/request. Would it kill you to just tell the American people something along the lines of, "Hi. My name is *insert your name here*. I am running for *insert name of office you are seeking here*. I believe *list your political beliefs here*. And I want to change our country for the better in the following ways *insert your plans for our country here*." I honestly don't care who started it, who slung mud at whom first, it just needs to stop. Seriously. I don't care who your opponent's best friend was in high school, college or grad school. I don't care if he/she egged houses or drank beer (underage) or even *gasp* smoked pot once. I care what he/she thinks about the current state of affairs and what he/she sees for our future. So just knock it off. Please.

Sincerely,
Irritated & Concerned American Citizen

Thirteen Things that Make Me Who I Am 1.... I love to write. Journaling. Creative writing. List writing. Signing my name. Simply the act of writing. I love it and consider it a dying art. 2.... I love the color blue - especially the shade cerulean blue (Look familiar?) Given a choice of colors, I'll pick pink over all other colors. And I'll pick blue over pink. 3.... I am creative in just about every thing I do. It's the only way I know how to be. 4.... I talk way too much. Just not on the phone - I hate talking on the phone unless it's Rob or my mom and sometimes even then. 5.... I am fiercely loyal to those I love. I may not always show it but it's true. When push comes to shove, I always back my friends and family up. Always. 6.... I don't tell others' secrets - ever. The only exception to this rule is if the secret is more harmful if kept than if the right people are told. 7.... Patience may be a virtue but I can assure you that it is not one I happen to possess. 8.... I love to think - about anything, everything and nothing at all. I probably think too much. 9.... I love and prefer actual books and libraries. I don't read E-books. Period. They don't smell right - or at all for that matter. They don't feel right. In fact, to me they are just plain wrong in every sense of the word. 10.... I am very intelligent (so say my doctors, I'm not tooting my own horn here) and I love to learn. My mom once said I was going to be a "professional student" when I grew up. Oh, if only. 11.... I am stubborn. Seriously, mules and rams and all other stubborn animal analogies don't hold a candle to me. I'm worse than all of them. Just ask Rob. 12.... I am a sentimental "pack rat". If it had meaning to me or represents something meaningful, I keep it. All my boys have hat boxes for these items and hopefully they will have handmade chests from Pa-Pa G to replace the hat boxes because I am that attached to these physical representations of my cherished memories. 13.... I don't do anything half way. It's either all or nothing. I throw myself wholly and completely into absolutely everything I do. This tends to make life far more complicated and exhausting than it truly needs to be but for better or worse, it's who I am.

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First, I would like to say ''Thank you" for all the love, support and prayers. It means the world to me.

With that said, there are a few thoughts I'd like to share and some myths I'd like to address - not necessarily in that order.


Myth #1: Now that the adoption is finalized a huge weight has been lifted and our stress has disappeared. FALSE

The short version answer is that while the stress from constant legal battles is hopefully finished we now have a new stress of trying to recover and resort our lives. If you want the wordy, jumbled answer, keep reading.

Myth #2: This was Nick's last great noble act as Gavin's father. UNDETERMINED

Some will say this Myth is true. I'm not so sure. Nick made it very clear when I told him I was pregnant with Gavin what his thoughts and feelings were. He's been wishy-washy for 8 years. Never once doing the right thing for Gavin. Never once putting Gavin's needs above his own or before his mother. Why now? It really doesn't matter in the long run. I guess for the sake of Gavin we'll just go with the "noble, super father-of-the-year" theory. I don't buy it but whatever.

Myth #3: Now that the adoption is finalized, we will never have to deal with Nick or Pam again. UNDETERMINED

In theory, this is how things should go. Once the contempt motion, charges and pending jail time have been dealt with there shouldn't be anything left for them to do. The adoption is final and there's no going back on that. There are 3 different loop-holes she could attempt to exploit except they don't apply. So while in theory we should be finished with the two of them as soon as this contempt craziness is over. There's also a very real chance that she may file stupid motions from now until Doomsday simply because she can. Hence the reason for the "UNDETERMINED" label.

Myth #4: Pam and Nick are victims in all of this. FALSE

Short answer: Bull-pucky.
Long answer: Nick is possibly a small victim in all of this. Simply because A) his mother did what she did knowing full well that he would eventually become collateral damage and B) I firmly believe that a large part of who he is, is because of her. So while he is responsible for his own actions (or inactions as the case may be from time to time) he is still a victim because of her. She, however, is NOT a victim in any sense of the word. This became a "war of attrition" because of her. Everything that was nasty, ugly, bitter, hateful, vengeful, and aggressive about this legal snafu was because she made it that way. She made things ugly. She stated time and time again that her main concern was never Gavin. It was always HER. How she was going to get what she wanted. Didn't anyone care about HER needs. It was never, ever Gavin. She even went so far once as to tell Patty that she was trying to have me thrown in jail because it was the only way for her to get what she wanted. She didn't care that having his mother thrown in jail was in no way, shape or form in Gavin's best interests. She only cared about getting what she needed and wanted. To Hell with the rest of us. In my book, that makes her the aggressor and villain. Not the victim.

Oh and yes, I am fully and completely aware that she has effectively lost her grandson. And yes, I can only imagine how difficult that must be and how much that must hurt. However, she lost him because her actions led them to this point. She and Nick repeatedly did what they wanted and every choice they made - together or independently of one another - led them to where we are now. They could have been seeing him for the past 15 months and the adoption would have been a much smaller threat or possibly not filed at all. However, they didn't like the new location. They didn't like being supervised. They didn't want the new rules. So they opted to stop coming up and seeing him. In doing so, they shot themselves in the proverbial foot. I didn't do any of this to them. They did it to themselves. So yes, while I am very sure it must suck and hurt a great deal they did this to themselves. And that does not absolve her of the responsibility for her actions over the past 8 years. That does not remove the titles of aggressor and villain. At least in my book.

Myth #5: I am pregnant. FALSE

Okay people, this has nothing to do with the court battle et al. However, there are rumor circulating even though I have posted to say that I AM NOT PREGNANT so I felt that this matter should be discussed in the "Myths" forum.

So please, for the love of God and all things holy in the world, hear me when I say I AM NOT PREGNANT! There are no tiny Baby Gs growing within my belly. The only baby in our family is Mr. Emmett John. And honestly, while I'm certainly not against more babies in the future, Mr. Emmett John and I are quite content with him being the center of my universe. You see while I love to share my body with babies while pregnant and then again while nursing, I'm not sure that I could handle sharing all of me with two babies at the same time at the moment. And I don't think Emmett would be exactly thrilled to share his nummies or give them up at the moment. So please, allow me to repeat (hopefully for the last time) that I AM NOT PREGNANT! NO! NO! NO! NOT PREGNANT! I'm glad I could clear that up for you.


I feel as if I'm stuck in limbo. Maybe purgatory is a better analogy - I was in Hell but now I've been released and I'm waiting to see what happens next. Typically, in our lives, this is where the other shoe drops. Be it a lightning strike that kills our cat. Gavin has a nervous breakdown. A freak hurricane blows through Ohio. I go into preterm labor (if I were pregnant, which I stated quite clearly in Myth #5 I am NOT). Or my ex-mother-in-law (a.k.a. Pam) tries to have me thrown in jail - again. So until I get some inclination as to what's next, I'm stuck here.

Now please remember that while Hell sucks, it is all that I know. I have been a full-time resident for nearly a decade! Nick and I started dating in the Summer of 1998. The physical abuse and head games (a.k.a. psychological abuse) from Nick started not long after we started dating. The abuse and head games from Pam and Tom (Pam's husband who died in June 2003) started around the time I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. The Summer of 1998 to now is 10 years of abuse and head games.

My entire life for 10 years has been tainted and stained by them. Every choice, every decision, every everything was out of my control even though I've had sole custody since October 2003. I could only use the medical professionals the courts approved. I could move but had to stay within a 30 mile radius of my parents' house. And if I moved, I had to notify Nick and Pam and the courts 30 days before the move to give them time to object. My medical and psychological records were open season if they wanted them. Heck, my entire life was open season...my family, my friends, my activities, my job, my grades in college - you get the idea. It even came to the point where I had to cut off contact with my sister, Trisha, and her family because they were trying to use them against me. (I miss my sister so very much.) My life had to be as bland and straight-laced as humanly possible. I don't remember how to live outside of those parameters anymore.

Sadly many of you have only ever known me as I am since Nick. I was happy, funny, and fairly laid-back once upon a time. I gave of my heart freely and wore my heart on my sleeve. I don't know if that Lizze even exists anymore.

The abuse of the past decade, the nearly constant onslaught of legal battles and character assassinations has made me angry and bitter. I'm cynical. I survived by adopting a sort of state of constant vigilance. I trust very few people. The few I do trust, I question their motives constantly. I have nightmares about Pam and Nick taking me to court and taking my children - not just Gavin but Elliott Richard and Emmett John too. I jump at the slightest noises. Basically, I am the poster woman for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Over time my untreated PTSD triggered my Fibromyalgia and all that comes with it - migraines, panic attacks, acid reflux, and constant pain.

You know, I'm a pretty intelligent gal. Logically, intellectually I knew how much stress I was under. I knew that the stress only made matters worse with my Fibro. I knew that it played a huge part in most (if not all) of my health issues. I also knew that Gavin and I (and Rob and the boys as well) all have a very symbiotic relationship. Meaning that he feeds off of the emotions running through our home. I knew that the stress in our home was making Gavin's rapidly growing laundry list of psychological issues worse. I knew these things. I don't deny them. I have never denied them.

At the same time though there was little I could do. I made countless offers to Pam and Nick. I tried more times than I can count to find a middle ground, a gray area so that everyone could be happy and involved in Gavin's life without the additional drama and stress of constant legal battles. I was rebuffed. I was left with no options other than to fight the motions that were filed against me. These battles made life worse for all those involved. I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

What I didn't realize all this time, was how much of that stress I was carrying with me. I didn't realize that in "letting go" of the stress I wouldn't in fact be releasing it. That wouldn't be the end of it. I foolishly thought that in letting go of the stress I was actually releasing it. Much like you would release an animal into the wild. That I would let go and it would be gone. I didn't realize that letting go would trigger some horrible health side effects like migraines that medications don't touch and Fibro flares that left me crying and sobbing (the tears burned like the dickens - that's how bad my flare was). I've been having panic attacks. I haven't had a panic attack since I was pregnant with Elliott Richard. I'm beyond exhausted. My body is covered in hives. It feels like my body is slowly shutting down.

If this blog is any indication, well then it shouldn't really be too difficult to see how much I'm currently struggling. My thoughts are all over the place. (More so than usual.) And that's if I'm able to string two thoughts together. Most of the time I sit and stare trying to make sense of it all and yet completely unable to do so. I can't even focus on my favorite television shows anymore. By the time I get to the end, I can't remember what happened in the beginning. If my DVR didn't tell me that I had watched it, I wouldn't know I had 90% of the time.

I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. This blog doesn't make any sense. My thoughts are scattered. I started by stating how I feel stuck. I've jumped to about a zillion points after that. And I keep coming back to the fact that I'm stuck. I'm in limbo. I don't know where else to go. I don't know what else to say. And as my post title so clearly states, I can't even tell which way is up anymore.

***FYI: I hope y'all understand that when I refer to "my life" et al I truly mean "our lives" it's just that this post is from my POV. So please don't think I'm excluding the effect this nightmare has had on my entire family.

Just to briefly expand on Lizze's last post about this past Wednesday.

We are going to post a big long post detailing everything but we are still recovering. Gavin's biological father signed away his rights on Wed afternoon about 1:30pm. He had never wanted Gavin and hadn't had any contact in almost 1.5 years and has NEVER paid child support. It took 8 years to get to this point. My family has been put through so much my Gavin's biological father and grandmother over the years. We lived in constant fear almost everyday because we never knew what would happen next. We ALWAYS put Gavin first and we maintained our integrity the entire time. This entire battle had been about punishing Lizze for leaving him. They did everything they could to destroy our lives..

On Wed, Oct 22, 2008 at 1:30pm everything finally caught up to them. Nick had no chance of winning that day or with the appeals court later on. He signed away his rights and in doing so all control they exerted over my family for the past 8 years. There will never be any visitation (not that they exercised it anyways)and we will never be dragged into court by them again. We still need to getting Lizze's "Contempt Conviction" and "jail time" dismissed as they were based on false testimony but that should happen pretty soon. We have finally been vindicated and the truth has come out.

Gavin has taken my last name and he is beyond excited to have the same name as his younger brothers.

He has already begun to show so improvement in his behaviors. He is much more relaxed and appears to be happy. This may not last for long because he may just be on the back end of one of his cycles but I'll take what I can get.

Lizze and I are beyond exhausted and feel completely lost right now. I know that sounds crazy but we don't know what a "normal life" is. We have spent the past 8 years doing this and now that it's over we don't know how to pick up the piece's and start to build out lives again. I have never known Lizze without this stuff going on in the background. We are seeking professional help in rebuilding our lives. We need to learn to let our guard down alittle and enjoy life.

For right now this is all I got. Putting thoughts together is stiff really difficult right now. Stay tuned ...... And THANK YO ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS DURNING THIS DIFFICULT PERIOD OF OUR LIVES. THEY WORKED!!!!!!

Okay, I am currently working on a long, in depth post about this week. Until I get it finished (which may take a few days - yes, it's that long) you'll have to be happy with this quickie post. So, without further ado, here's the run-down:

Monday
IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting for Gavin at 11:00am. Everything went off without a hitch. I'm really looking forward to this year. I'm hoping for an awesome year.

Tuesday
Dr. H for Emmett John at 11:30am. He has a nasty cold and sore belly. Told to watch for signs of a bowel obstruction. So far, so good.
Spent most of the day just trying to make it through to court.

Wednesday
Spent all morning killing time.
Courthouse at 1:00pm.
Attorneys met at 1:10pm.
Nick gave up his rights at 1:25pm.
Court at 1:30pm. Attorneys met with the judge. Nick signed the actual paperwork.
My attorney congratulated Rob at 1:45pm. Rob left to pick Gavin up from school.
Rob officially adopted Gavin at 2:30pm!!!!!

Thursday
Spent the day surviving after court.
Gavin had a spectacular day!

Friday
Grocery shopping. I managed to find some new milk-free, soy-free foods! (Yippee!) And I learned that Passover foods are milk-free and often soy-free, which opens up a whole lot more foods. :)

Thirteen Things I Want to Accomplish Before I Die 1.... I want to write and publish a book. Preferably a best selling novel but so long as I write it and an actual company publishes it, I'll be happy. 2.... I want to take a food based traveling vacation. Think in terms of 'Feasting on Asphalt' or 'Feasting on Waves'. Yes, I know these are Alton Brown trips. However, it is an established fact that I *heart* Alton Brown so does that really matter. :) 3.... I want to travel to Ireland. I may never know anything about my birth father and his Irish heritage but I want to go there anyway. Maybe I'll even mix #2 with #3. 4.... I want to see my sons grown and happy. I don't care what they are doing, so long as it makes them happy. (And it's legal - happy and legal. ;) lol) 5.... I want to grow old with Rob. And not just "old" but like front porch sitting, mashed peas eating, talking about the "old days" ad nauseum OLD. 6.... I want to go back to college and graduate with my BA in English. Then I want to go grad school and graduate with my Masters and/or Doctorate in English. Then in my spare time (in between watching the boys grow up, traveling to Ireland/around the world and getting old with Rob) I want to become an English Professor. 7.... I want to help fight the wars on Domestic Violence and Autism. I want to start a domestic violence shelter with everything all under one roof - legal assistance, housing, counseling, the whole she-bang. And then I want to help the government, the insurance companies and the public school systems better understand Autism. I want the ins co to understand that by not treating Autism they are causing more issues because most parents cannot afford the treatments. I want the public school systems to stop seeing dollar signs when they hear "Autism" mentioned and understand that you cannot place an Autistic child in a 'special needs' classroom and expect them to operate completely under your guidelines and rules simply because it will make your lives easier. Likewise, you then cannot place said child(ren) in restraint chairs or in-school suspension because they "misbehaved". (Yes, sadly this does happen. A lot.) But I digress... 8.... I want to ride in a limo. I've never been in one and I think it would be cool. 9.... I want to take a cross country trip in a train. Then I want to come home in a bus. Like a decked out tour bus. I just think it would be cool. 10.... I want to find a way to truly share with my boys just how special my Granny was. I want them to feel as if they know her, even though they will never get the chance. 11.... I want to continue to keep journals (handwritten) and pack them up so they are in order when the time comes for them to be passed on. 12.... I want to learn and grow beyond then need for cynicism as a form of protection. It's exhausting to try and maintain that level of constant vigilance. 13.... I want to leave this world knowing that my boys felt loved. I want to leave this world, leaving my boys with heads full of memories, hearts full of love and compassion, and souls at peace with my passing because I had a good life and I helped teach them how to have the same.

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WE HAVE WON!!!!!!!!! 8 years in the making and it's finally over. We will post more later....

Thanks for your prayers..........

What's going on in court you ask?

I'll never tell. ;)

(& don't you tell if you know!)

T-minus 4hrs to court. Positive thoughts & prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I'll update more this evening - along with an overdue Emmett John update.

mckmama rascal flatts ~ Hey, my favorite blog and my favorite country group. :)
google giveaway blogs
cherrio confessions ~ Yup, that's my blog. :)
pennmommy (4 times) ~ I still have absolutely no idea why this google search keeps leading you to my blog.
7 random things tag ~ Yup, I did that meme.
confessions of a cf husband blog (twice) ~ I love this blog too!
gosselins without pity pennmommy ~ Seriously, what about my blog is bring you to me with this search?!
Gosselins
health issues from 2 weeks ago ~ Are health issues from 2 weeks ago worse than current health issues? I'm confused. lol

Daddy and Elliott Richard are playing Hide and Seek. This is how it goes:

Elliott Richard: 1...2...1...2 Eddy and knots I come!
*begins looking for Daddy*
Elliott Richard: Daddy? Daddy, hair are who? Mommy, where Daddy go? 1...2...1...2 Eddy and knots Daddy!

Now Daddy counts and Elliott Richard hides.

Daddy: 1...2...3...4...5 Ready or not, here I come!
Elliott Richard: I come too!

I have my moments where everything seems clear and maybe life isn't so hopeless. My moments when I know that I am right where I need to be. That for better or worse, things really will be okay.

I just had one of those moments.

My sweet Emmett John was nursing. He looked up at me and smiled, his great big toothless grin. Then he lost his latch, which startled him. So he "attacked" me in an effort to make sure his "nummies" didn't get away.

In that one brief moment, despite the pain and my cold and everything else in the world, my soul was at peace and my heart was full.

I know I've said this a few times but I'm going to say it again, I feel half-dead. I look like Hell. (Maybe if I'm daring, I'll take a picture with my cell phone and post it. Then I came blame my Hell-ishness on the picture quality. lol) I am currently in so much pain that my toes hurt, my teeth hurt and even the hairs on my head hurt! Rob asked me if this could be my fibro coming back rather than me being sick. And while I admit that the fibro is probably a huge factor in all my aches and pains, I don't think the rest of it is the fibro. I'm researching fibro diets to see what they recommend diet wise but honestly, of the two Emmett John's dairy and soy free diet is more important in my book. You never know though, maybe the two diets are similar and it just takes time to balance it out.

Sorry I've been MIA. I am sick. My cold has morphed into an evil illness, which is kicking my @$$. It's worse than a cold. Not as bad as bronchitis. Hurts like Hell. And is winning, in a big way. Sleep deprivation from Emmett John is one thing but this is just taking things to a whole new (totally unfair) level. *sigh*

This week...

I did not.... Tag! my nearest and dearest Nikky simply because I knew it would bug her because she hates Tag! memes. lol That would be considered antagonistic.

I did not.... put off buying Gavin's Halloween costume because I'm secretly hoping he'll want to be something else. That would mean I was trying to stiffle his individuality, which is something I swore I would never do.

I did not.... pretend to not see Elliott Richard eating his cereal out of his bowl like a dog because it was keeping him quiet. That would generally be a bad idea except when mommy is sick, in which case it's all about survival.

I did not.... try to think of new ways to say "move", "scoot", "goodbye" because I got tired of saying those same three words to Elliott Richard everytime he tries to snuggle/nearly smoother Emmett John.

I did not.... secretly wish that either my cold/flu combo would get gone super quick or get super bad just as quick and earn me a hospital vaca. I mean I'm not that overwhelmed and in dire need of a break. Seriously, I'm not. *shuffle*

I also did not.... secretly wish that I would lose my voice so that I wouldn't have to hear it anymore while repeating myself all day. Because that would be sad and much more complicated than just not repeating myself.

I'm seriously NOT PREGNANT. I'd tell you if I were. And I definitely appreciate the support but there's nothing to tell or support because....

I'M NOT PREGNANT. :)

Okay so I've been lacking in my Thursday 13 responsibilities. I apologize for that. (I know you've all been on the edge of your seats anxiously awaiting my first Thursday 13! lol)

This week my Thursday Thirteen is inspired by a very dear friend of mine who recently found out that she's pregnant! (Yippee!) And I promise you that I am not my own "dear friend". ;) lol Seriously, I'm not!

Thirteen Signs I'm Pregnant 1.... I am super thirsty all the time. I wake up so often for a drink of water that I polish off 32oz in about 8 hours of sleep. 2.... My breasts hurt so much it's not funny. Really, it isn't funny. 3.... Things that should make me cry, don't. 4.... Things that shouldn't make me cry, do. A lot. 5.... I am absolutely starving but the mere thought of eating - don't ask. 6.... My mother calls me to tell me she's dreamed about me being pregnant - again. She has this dream every time I get pregnant. 7.... Rob wakes up one morning and tells me "you need to pee on a stick". He always seems to know before me somehow. 8.... I. Am. Exhausted. I sleep all night. Take 4 hour naps. And still look and feel like a zombie. 9.... My complexion clears up. Over night. 10.... My cat, Cleo, will not leave me alone. She lays on my belly and purrs if I lay down or if I recline. Heaven help me if I dare to sit. She'll force her way onto my belly. It's honestly a miracle my children don't expect me to purr. 11.... I start dreaming about naming babies, even before I know that I'm pregnant. 12.... I get headaches - not migraines which are normal for me. Just plain, old, run of the mill headaches. Pregnancy is the only time I get headaches. 13.... And finally, my ex-mother-in-law is off somewhere filing a contempt motion seeking to have me thrown in jail. Seriously, she's done this with my last two pregnancies. lol

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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gosselins without pity + pennmommy (Google) ~ Not a clue why this would lead you to my blog. I hope you found what you were looking for.
blogspot.com "follow this blog" (Google) ~ Not sure how this brought you here but welcome just the same. :)
cherrio confessions (Google) ~ That would be my blog. :)
preppy gifts giveaways (Google) ~ No preppy gifts here, sorry.
stomach bug (Google) ~ Well, we certainly have plenty of this to share if you'd like.
giveaway "1 comment" (Google) ~ Yup, been there done that.
alton brown (Google) ~ Ah...I *heart* him. Maybe someday he'll know just how much I *heart* him. *sigh* lol
giveaway dress (Google) ~ I can promise that you will not find any dresses in this blog. I haven't worn a dress since my wedding day in 2003 and since I'm the only pink in a sea of blue, no one else is likely to be wearing a dress either. ;) lol
giveaway (Google) ~ Yup, been there done that.
pennmommy blog ~ No pennmommy posts here, sorry.
morellichaos blog ~ Hey, I know her! lol
24 week ultrasound pictures ~ We've definitely got some of those around here! lol

I have been Tagged by Marie so now I have to write a list of 7 random things about me. So, let's see...7 random things...

1. I was raised by "reformed hippies", which explains my view from the "left" most of the time.


2. I have 2 sisters, 3 nieces, 3 nephews and now 1 great-niece. Besides the younger brother you already know about. (I'm a Great Aunt at 28...that's just crazy.)


3. I'm ambidextrous.


4. I hate talking on the phone but I will email and text message with you until the cows come home. I'm just horrible with ending phone conversations. I feel like I sound fake so I avoid phone calls at all costs, except for Rob and my Mom.


5. I've kept a handwritten journal since I was a sophomore in high school. This is the first journal I've had that wasn't handwritten, which kills me.


6. I love organized chaos but I can't live in extreme chaos or extreme organization. The extremes overwhelm me and make me panicky.


7. I am obsessive about keeping baby books, pregnancy journals, and health record journals for the boys. It's my way of painting the image of the perfect life that I want for them even if it doesn't exist at the moment.

And now I have to Tag! 7 people...so let's see...you've probably all been tagged a zillion times by now but you'll have that.

Susie at Be Strong and Courageous

Laura at Laura's Loco Life

Nikky at Pleasantly Chaotic

Miraclebaby at Bedrest and Beyond

MckMama at My Charming Kids

Shannon at Exploring Holland

Julie at Baby Olsen Chronicles

Let's see...what can I toot my own horn about today? Um...

I got all of the trash and recycling out to the curb with plenty of time left to get Gavin ready for school and Emmett John dressed for the drive. :)

Raging migraine.
Active children.
Laundry and dishes calling my name.
No energy to care about them.

Lots of milk and soy free foods.
Yay!
Slowly figuring this new diet out.
Might not be so bad.

Am I negative?
I prefer realist but whatever.

Can I change my name?
Nah, they'd just learn the new one.

I must be seriously stressed.
The twins won't leave me alone.
I love cats.

I got my Stellan bracelet in the mail today.
Yay!
Ordered one for Rob and Elliott Richard.

Emmett John is feeling better.
Thank God for small favors.

Are you confused yet?
Yeah, me too.
lol

Let's see...this week...

I did not...sit in a court room trying to figure out what I saw all those years ago. Because that would be a waste of energy since I can't go back and correct the issue.

I did not...tell the twins that there's a chinese restaurant with their names on it. Because I love my Siamese twin kittens and Chinese restaurants really do not serve cat - seriously, they don't.

I did not...ask the boys if they had ever heard of gypsies.

I also did not...ask my neighbor if she knew of any gypsies passing through town. Because that would be mean and generally not good parenting.

I did not...sob because Emmett John was sick and screaming in my ear, Elliott Richard hadn't made it to bed yet (and it was almost an hour past bed time), I had a migraine and was in the middle of a fibro flare - all while Rob was at his aunt and uncle's.

I also did not...sob partly because I was so overwhelmed and also so jealous that he was there and I was here.

I did not...start working on this week's "Not Me Monday" 7 days ahead of time and set it up to post next week so as not to overlap them. Because that would make it official that I am a sad woman with no life of my own to speak of.

I can't believe it was just yesterday morning when Emmett John was projectile vomiting all over the both of us. It feels like a lifetime ago. I'm pleased to announce that no one has been puked on in nearly 24 hours. Emmett John seems to be doing much better. I even managed to get the kitchen floor scrubbed, some dishes done and my lunch made while he slept in the swing - something he's been unwilling to do since he got sick like a week ago. Now if only I could find some way to keep my eyes open. lol

Do y'all have any idea how many products have milk, caisin, whey or soy in them?! It's insane!

Vegetable Oil - Soy (in fact it's mostly soy - where are the rest of vegetables?)
McDonald's French Fries - milk (not sure where or why there's milk in fries)
Wendy's Chicken Nuggets - milk
Ramen Noodles - soy
M&M's - milk
Tortillas - soy
Pam Cooking Spray - soy
Pizza Hut Pizza - milk in the sauce and the dough

That's just to name a few. It's making it difficult to find stuff to eat. Here's what I've found so far:

I Can Eat:

• Steak
• Chicken Breasts
• Salami
• Peanut Butter
• Fruit
• Veggies
• Eggs
• Rice milk & rice milk products

I haven't had a chance to get any rice milk products so I'm not sure what they taste like. I just hope the ice cream is good. And can I just say that a huge piece of chocolate cake or an ice cream sundae or a pizza with extra cheese have never sounded so good in my entire life!

diarrhea for a week + projectile vomiting + lethargy + not nursing well = doctor's appointment at 11:30am for Emmett John

The "Duck Groupies" with a few geese (a.k.a. Bullies)

Feeding the ducks

Grinnin' and chillin' at the park

Walking the track

I love this picture.

All tuckered out...

Beyond tuckered out...

Scoop and carry...the "new" way to get around after school! (lol)

Mr. Emmett John catching some zzz's with Pa-Pa G.

While we redecorate & reorganize. It was time for the blue to go.

(Internet Explorer is doing everything possible to make this as difficult as possible. Thank you Bill Gates & Microsoft.)

It's almost time to vote for our new political representatives, including our commander in chief. I don't know yet who I will vote for, however, I will vote. I strongly urge all of you to register (by October 4th in some states) and vote.

All you have to do is go to http://www.squidoo.com/squidoo-charity-giveaway and vote for your favorite charity. Only vote once! They will give $2 for each vote!

I voted for the March of Dimes for obvious reasons. ;) But you can vote for any one of the nearly 50 charities available. Just remember, you can only vote once! But you can feel free to pass on the site to as many people as you'd like. :)

(That was sarcasm by the way.)

So yesterday at Emmett John's appointment Dr. H asked me how the "bread and water diet" was coming. Which struck me as odd but got lost amongst everything else we talked about. So when I called and left our update this morning I asked the nurse if she could find out just how strict my milk and soy-free diet is supposed to be.

Prior to today I was only supposed to leave out the "main milk products" and all soy based. So I couldn't have:

milk
cream
ice cream
cheese
cottage cheese
cream cheese
sour cream (you get the idea)

Well, now I'm supposed to try my best to not have anything with any milk or soy products in it. At least until we get the whole positive blood/stool tests quandary figured out. Which brings us back to...

How to Read a Milk-Free DietAvoid foods with the following ingredients:
1. artificial butter flavor
2. butter, butter fat, butter oil
3. buttermilk
4. casein
5. caseinates (ammonium, calcium, magnesium, potassium, sodium)
6. cheese
7. cream
8. cottage cheese
9. curds
10. custard
11. Ghee
12. Half and Half
13. hydrolysates (casein, milk protein, protein, whey, whey protein)
14. lacalbumin, lacalbumin-phosphate
15. lactoglobulin
16. lactose
17. lactulose
18. milk (any derivative – powder, protein, solids, malted, condensed, evaporated, dry, whole, low-fat, non-fat, skim, goat’s milk)
19. nougat
20. pudding
21. rennet casein
22. sour cream, sour cream solids
23. whey (including all forms, such as sweet, de-lactosed, protein concentrated)
24. yogurt
25. “D” on a label next to “K” or “U” indicated presence of milk protein

The following may contain milk proteins:
1. flavorings: caramel, barvarian cream, coconut cream, brown sugar, butter, natural
2. chocolate
3. luncheon meats, hot dogs, sausages
4. high protein flour
5. margarine
6. Simplesse®

Life is a crazy thing.

I sat in the waiting area at the outpatient lab in the hospital with Emmett John this morning. Waiting to register him soi could drop something off (that's another post). While we sat there and waited, I noticed a few things that touched me in one way or another.

I watched strangers help a 92 year old woman they didn't know simply because she needed help.

Then I watched an obviously physically and emotionally exhausted father struggle with his 3 or 4 year old son. I chuckled when he told his son he was "more persistent than diarrhea". (lol) Then I found myself praying when his phone rang and he told the person on the other end that it was highly likely he has liver cancer.

I can't really explain it but witnessing these two events touched me. I know I'm often over-loaded between home, kids, PTA and other stuff but really, I can't imagine. I can't imagine wanting my independence so strongly and yet having to rely on people I've never met and likely never see again. Or going to the doctor with my son believing that I'm going for a standard med check to make sure I'm on the correct dose, only to learn that it's likely I have liver cancer.

They were both so positive, too. She was so appreciative of the help she received. He was so stressed it was etched in the lines of his face, yet he played with his son and joked around with me when Emmett John began screaming.

I only hope that I can handle things as well as they were, should I ever find myself in a similar situation.

**I started this blog on Wednesday October 1st. That's why it says "today" but applies to events from yesterday. lol***

First, I'd like to say that I really appreciate all of your prayers and positive thoughts for my little Emmett John. While life could definitely be worse, things have still been far more complicated for him than any baby deserves. So it helps to know that so many are thinking of him and sending prayers up on his behalf. Thank you.

Now for the update on Emmett John's tummy issues...

He had an appointment with Dr. H yesterday morning already scheduled so that we could follow-up on how the Prevacid is working and to get Emmett John the rest of his two month shots. (Thanks Julie for pointing out that they could be split up into more than one visit. That honestly never occurred to me.) Well, we went. And now we still need to go back for the rest of those shots.

Emmett John now weighs 14lb 14oz. He lost 3oz in a day, which Dr. H said isn't an issue because he had gained just over 8oz in the week before the loss. Dr. H gave Mr. Emmett John the once over and said it's a stomach bug. (duh, again!) He said that the slowed urine output and extreme fussiness would be more worrisome if he didn't have the diarrhea. Since he does, he's concerned but not too much. Now the issue is the fact that Emmett's diarrhea went from pretty much straight liquid to this 50/50 split of liquid and florescent green mucousy-goo. (Yeah, sorry for being gross but it is what it is. lol) Just to be on the safe side Dr. H checked Emmett's stool for blood, which came up positive again. So Dr. H decided to send the rest of the contents of his diaper to the hospital (via mommy taxi cab) so that a full workup can be done to try and get to the bottom of this positive test business.

Dr. H opted to pass on the rest of the shots because he didn't want to chance Emmett spiking a fever and us not being able to tell if it's his tummy bug or the shots. So we skipped the shots, again. Dr. H told me to keep an eye on Mr. Emmett John and call this morning with an update. Other than that, we are to call if he begins vomiting, spikes a fever, is crying inconsolably, or generally becomes very lethargic.

So I called this morning and left our report with Dr. H's nurse. She called back and said that Dr. H is very pleased that Emmett John seems to be turning the corner and hopefully things will continue to improve. I also asked about my diet since the blood test keeps coming up positive and he would like "ideally" for me to cut any and all milk and soy products etc out of my diet. At least until we get the blood deal figured out. (Yay. That's sarcasm by the way.)

Other than florescent green poo, things are going pretty well today. He's still kind of fussy. Only wanting to be held. And currently working himself up into a scream as I finish this. It's only taken me like 4 hours to get this written, if that gives you any idea of his current mood etc. (lol)

Mr. Emmett John has had varying degrees of diarrhea since Friday night. Last night his temp was hovering at around 100.1. Then when he woke up at 8am this morning his diaper was wet (nothing new) and his diarrhea had progressed to the point of being basically straight water no solids at all. I felt horrible that my little man is sick but I wasn't all that worried. Afterall, Emmett John is the youngest 3 - this isn't my first rodeo. I wasn't worried until we hit 1pm - 5 hours later - without a wet diaper.

At that point, I called Dr. H's office. They wanted to see him but Dr. H was off today so we saw his partner. Dr. K, AKA Dr. No-clue. She checked him out. Declared it a stomach bug. (duh) Told me it could last as is (clear fluid diarrhea without any solid parts) for weeks. Then told me to watch for a bowel obstruction and sent us home. (I still don't understand the leap from stomach flu to fine to bowel obstruction but whatever.)

Now we are home. We've had 4 wet diapers - total - today. He's super fussy, sleepy and clingy. Luckily, we already had an appointment with Dr. H tomorrow to follow up on the med switch and get the rest of his 2 month shots. So I can ask him what he thinks. No matter how you cut it though, I'm worried.

And now I'm fighting keep my eyes open, so I think it's time for bed. Assuming these stupid cats catch a hint and leave me to sleep in peace. Otherwise, I may be forced to kill them.

Okay, so let's see...what have I accomplished today? I took my sick Emmett John to see a partner of his pediatrician and learned she's a git. Does that count?

No?

Okay then, how about I got out of bed even though I got virtually no sleep last night and that was one of the hardest things I've done all day.

Yeah, we'll go with that one. ;) lol

I am about to beg for your help and support blogosphere. You have been warned. ;)

Today Rob and I went to court. Gavin was in school. Elliott Richard and Emmett John were with Grandma & PaPa G and Uncle Brian (Thanks again guys!). (This was the first time I left Emmett John with anyone besides Rob. We both survived but that's for another post.)

Rob and I went to court because in the end of July Rob filed to legally adopt Gavin. Today was supposed to be the arguments and evidence as to why we do not need Nick's consent to move forward with the adoption. I say "supposed to be" because it didn't happen. I will post details but not just yet.

This is where the begging comes in...

We need your prayers, if you pray. Positive thoughts, if you don't.

I can't find words at the moment to adequately express just how important this adoption is to our family. To our wellbeing, sanity, and safety. So if you could please pray for us. And if you don't mind and would be willing, could you please pass us on to anyone and everyone you know who would be willing to pray for us.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. Without your support, I'd be a little crazier than I already am. ;)

This one isn't mine though. Over at Glamorous Life of a Housewife, she is honoring both October being Breast CancerAwareness month and her dear friend, Lindsey, who is currently battling breast cancer. She's giving away a whole bunch of pink - go check it out. Enter the giveaway. Pray for Lindsey.

Go on. Off you go... ;)

Okay so MckMama is starting a new thing (it technically started last week), 'Not Me Mondays', where every Monday we make a list of things we definitely did not do during the week. Here's mine for last week and tomorrow.

I did not...keep MckMama's blog open in IE round the clock so I could keep reading/catching up at every available opportunity.

I did not...give Emmett John his Prevacid an hour late because he actually slept in and I didn't want to wake him up.

I did not...convince myself that Elliott didn't skip lunch because he ate some of mine.

I did not...cling to a sleeping Emmett John as if he were a lifepreserver and I a drowning woman just so I could close my own eyes for a little while.

I did not...spend far too long re-organizing my blog tags while I ignored my laundry begging to be folded.

I did not...rewash the same load of clothes 4 times in a row because I keep forgetting (read that: putting off until it's too late) to switch it to the dryer.

I did not...beg Emmett John to be nicer to Mommy because contrary to whatever he happens to believe, my "nummies" were perfect the way they were...before he tried to nurse pieces off.

I did not...listen to my MP3 player and try desperately to drown out my fussy Emmett John who was on my shoulder while I bounced, rocked, patted, held, kissed and tried in vain to soothe him.

I did not...put off changing Emmett John's diaper and getting him ready for bed because he's happy in his bouncy seat and I want to write my "Not Me Monday".

I did not...record "Tombstone" on the Spanish only channel because I was so distracted trying to set up the recording before Elliott Richard realized I had paused Noggin.

I also did not...laugh until I cried when I figured it out because the words didn't match their mouths and the only word I could understand was "tombstone".

Nope, I did not do these things.

*****Congratulations Nikky, Susan and ihchicky! You are the winners of the 'Cheerio Confessions Pay It Forward Giveaway'! I've sent out the emails and as soon as I have your addresses, your prizes will be on their way! Thanks for playing! And don't forget to hold your own 'Pay It Forward Giveaway'! :)*****

Welcome to my first Give Away! :) And without further ado, here's how it works...

Julie over at Belle Maison did a recent post about Paying It Forward (I absolutley love that movie!) We should all be able to do something kind without expecting anything in return. To remind us all of this, she started this little game. The first three people to post on her blog received a cute little gift from her. (From her blog: "The little something that is sent can be something you made, bought, were given or found. Just make sure it's something that will make the person smile!" ) One of those three people was Trina at La La Lovely. She in turn paid it forward to silverhartgirl at Taking The Time to, who payed it forward to Preppy Little Dress. She paid it forward to Mrs. Forever, who paid it forward to Katrina at My Life as a Married Girl. Then I was lucky enough to be one of her winners and now I want to Pay It Forward to you!

I am super excited to host my first giveaway! So now for the details...if you are interested in playing along and would like a chance at something fun all you have to do is leave me a comment. First, three comments will win. The only "catch" is that if you enter your name and win you need to be prepared to host your own little "Pay It Forward" giveaway. :)

Keep in mind now that if this giveaway goes well...I just might do this again down the line. ;)

****UPDATE**** Katrina's comment does not count! So even though it says I have '1 comment', I still need 3 winners! :)