Cheerio Confessions

Rob has been updating about the goings-on in our household lately. However, there are a few things I want to say as well. (I wrote this but somehow I ended up signed in under Rob's user info. I would repost it to correct it but we'd lose the comments.)

What kind of world are we living in? That our legal system is so quick to trumpet "Family Re-unification", "Save the Family"; and therefore so quick to toss the best interests of the child to the side of the road. I'm all for family re-unification. If, and only if, it is in the best interest of the child. I'm sorry if a parent is an alcoholic, an addict, mentally ill or abusive, or they simply don't care enough to be involved. I feel for them. However, it is not our responsibility to follow these "adults" around and try and force them into roles they obviously have no interest in or are simply incapable of filling. It is not our responsibility to make sure they do the right thing. If they choose the substance, the illness or the actions above the child; they have made their choice. Why should we continue to give them second, third and fourth chances to make "the right choice"?

If I have $50 and I choose to spend it on myself rather than on my children. That is my choice. I have made it. Was it the right choice, not likely but that is something I (and unfortunately my children) will have to live with. No one is going to follow me around while I'm shopping with my $50 and ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure that's what you want?" Why should we follow these "parents" who have made their decisions around continually asking, "Are you sure that's what you should be doing?"

It sucks that the children pay the price for our follies. It sucks that they will remember someday that Mommy or Daddy made the wrong decision. It sucks that those children will likely harbor ill-will towards their "parents" for the decisions they have made. But that's life. We cannot possibly protect our children from everything because then they would experience nothing. That's not life.

Life is painful and bloody and ugly. Yet at the same time it's sweet and beautiful and joyful. When we attempt to protect them from everything, we deny them the opportunities to experience life in all it's beautiful, twisted glory.

While we can't protect them from everything; in today's legal system it seems nearly impossible to protect them from anything. Including the big bad wolf that is known and knocking down our door. Nevermind trying to protect them from the big bad wolf that lurks in the shadows and is yet unknown.

What use is it to be a child's sole custodian when your opinion in the "best interest" of your child, doesn't matter. Logically, we should be the one's who know our children best. And therefore are most equipped to say "Yes, little Johnny can handle this." or "No, that's way too much and would throw little Johnny into a tale-spin." Yet, when we attempt to do this. When we attempt to fulfill our roles as advocates for our children, the courts label it as "parental alienation" or "custodial interference". They chastise us and say, "Bad parents! How dare you!" and slap us on the wrist for speaking up.

All the while we have the "non-custodial parent" on the other side of the court room. Drunk and stoned half out of their minds and the court commends them for showing up at all. It doesn't matter that they are under-the-influence, after all, isn't it great that they showed up! "Yay for the non-custodial parent! You came to court to fight for your child drunk and stoned! Here! Have a gold star!"

How did we get here? How did we manage to jump from one extreme to the next? It used to be that men automatically received custody because they were the man of the house and society was a "good ole boys club". Then it was the mother automatically received custody because they were the mothers and it was cruel to take a child from its mother. Now it's supposed to be a fair game. It's supposed to be the child "wins" and the best parent for the job receives sole custody. But that's not quite right either. Now it's the parent with the most money, the best attorney or the smarmiest attorney (the attorney who is willing to win at all costs of self-respect and reputation), or the best connections wins.

Some people will deny this. You can tell these people by their indignation at the idea of a biased legal system. And God bless them for it. Those few people are the only ones keeping our entire legal system from sinking forever into this moral quagmire we have created for ourselves. They are the ones on the street corners protesting. They not only know what the Bill of Rights are; but they exercise those rights. Our country has found itself in an on-going popularity contest. With our citizens going with the "popular vote"; rarely going against the grain to stand up and say "I'm going to do what's right".

Unfortunately, until we can find our way out of this disaster we've created for ourselves...until we can truly become "one nation under God, indevisible, with liberty and justice for all" our children will continue to find themselves stuck in the middle. Bad parenting won't be a negative thing because what does it matter if you are a bad parent; if no one else cares. Children will be lost in the system. Hearts will be shattered and bruised and the "cure" will be getting even. Our children will continue to look in the wrong places for love. They will continue to turn to deaf ears for help. Parents and children will continue to place their faith (the only thing some of them have left) in a legal system that proclaims to protect them. Only to have their hopes dashed and their faith lost because the "good guys" rarely win. And the "bad guys" rarely see justice.

Well today has been very busy. We were very excited today because we were having another ultrasound tonight at 7pm. Also my brother Jon his wife Teri and my sister Kate were coming to see the baby. We tried even when we were pregnant with Elliott to involve people in the pregnancy but no one was really interested or able to really be involved.... So we were really excited at the idea that they were going to come with us. This may be the last ultrasound for us EVER (no more kids)....

Then the phone rang and the hospital canceled the 7pm ultrasound and moved it to 3pm. We had to scatter to change plans with the baby sitter (my mom) and be there in about 30 minutes from the time of the call. Needless to say no one was able to make it to the new time... That really sucked...

Then on the way home I was going to hit our McDonald's that we always hit on our way home from the hospital and guess what, it wasn't there. Apparently it was torn down a few days ago.... ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Gavin has been, well, Gavin today. He held nothing back. He started the day by screaming at Elliott for touching him.... Poor Elliott is so confused because Gavin is rejecting his affection.... Hopefully as Elliott gets older he will understand and not take it personally.......

Lizze is miserable and getting worse as the end draws near. She is in tons of pain and cannot get comfortable at all. The weather has cooled down so that's a plus....

Lizze has been creating away on her cards. New ones will be posted soon. Be sure to check out her fathers day cards there are still a few left.

Over all today wasn't to bad.......

What Tiny is up to this week: Your amazing baby is on the move! They’ve been riding fairly high in your stretched-out womb till now (while kindly compressing your poor internal organs), but now they’re planning on making the big move to your pelvis this week. If you haven’t noticed it already, you’ll be feeling the weight shift that signals that your baby is most likely out of breech position, with their head now resting on your pubic bone. In liver news: although not quite fully formed, your little miracle’s liver is now capable of processing a certain amount of waste. In general, most of your child’s prenatal physical development is pretty much up to snuff and ready for the outside world. Naturally, further weight gain is expected—so you’re still not at maximum capacity despite probably feeling like you definitely are maxed out.

Well it appears that there was another "Mix Up" with the doctors today. We are supposed to see Gavin's therapist tonight but guess what, someone took our time slot again. This is happening all the time. Our last appointment was canceled at the last minute and we just got the call that this one was also canceled.

I would like to know how it is we are supposed to get help when we have no one left to help us. It will most likely be another month before we can get in again......

I am so close to giving up right now. Maybe we aren't meant to get through this because we have yet to catch a break. And that is the truth. We never catch a break. It's one nightmare after another.

We desperately need help with Gavin and we aren't getting it. Our parents help by taking Gavin and we are very grateful but that doesn't fix the problem. We need help living with Gavin. We need to know what to do with him. We are COMPLETELY LOST...and COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. I don't think anyone really gets that....

Gavin's therapist is also supposed to broker a mediation with Lizze's ex-mother in law in an attempt to get her to she how much damage she is doing and once again try to resolve this peacefully. We are running out of time to deal with this and I have no patience left.

We are using the very best of the best when if comes to Gavin's doctors but that also means they are in demand. We don't pay cause we have no money and Gavin's father won't provide health insurance for him. Gavin is on one of the Medicaid HMO's and some of his doctors will not take it. So I believe everything comes down to money. Those with it get what they need and those without get pushed to the back. Don't get me wrong his doctors are great and we are grateful that they have taken him on under these conditions but we still feel lost. I truly believe if we had the money this court stuff would have been done long ago but we don't so we keep getting dragged through eh mud over and over again. We have no idea what to do.

We all know that Gavin is "Special". We know that he lives in his own world away from the rest of us. We just didn't realize how far away his world really is.

We have come to accept that Elliott and Gavin probably won't ever have a relationship in the way that most brothers have with each other.

Today Elliott had bumped his hand. I kissed it to make it better but that wasn't really what he needed. Elliott saw his big brother Gavin coming down the steps to get some more water. Elliott ran over to Gavin and was almost crying to him that he had a boo boo. He asked Gavin to kiss it and make it better. Gavin pushed him aside and walked right by. Elliott then ran after him begging him to kiss his boo boo. Elliott even said "please" which he rarely ever says but Gavin ignored him. Gavin started back up the steps like Elliott wasn't even there. By this time Elliott was desparatly pleading with him to kiss it and make it better. Gavin returned to his room without any thought to his little brother. Elliott sat down on the step and started to cry the way a 2 year old cries. Then he slowly walked over to us with his head hung and climbed into Mommy's lap and just snuggled. We both had tears streaming down our faces and we asked him if we could kiss it and make it better. Elliott just quietly wispered Gavin.

At that very moment we realized just how hard this is on Elliott. Gavin isn't to blame for this becasue it's not his fault but never the less it impacts all of us.....It impacts all of us in a very real way....

You know how they say everyone has their breaking point? I am no exception to this rule. I just can't tell if I have actually hit mine yet. I know that sounds weird but I have become so numb anymore I just can't tell. I know at this exact moment I don't think I can take anymore. I don't mean that to be dramatic but I think if anything else happens I will just break. Not in a violent way but mentally break down. I already have a hard time even putting coherent thoughts together. I don't remember anything anymore. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't feel restful and all I have anymore are nightmares.

Lizze is completely overwhelmed and in so much pain. Elliott is so stressed out he doesn't sleep more then a few hours or less at a time. I feel like he is being robbed of his childhood. We cannot play outside because A) I don't have any energy anymore and B) our neighborhood just keeps getting worse. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I know Lizze feels the same way. We don't want to go outside because or some of our neighbors and we don't want to be inside because Gavin is in there. I know that sounds terrible but he is so indescribably exhausting. I know its not his fault but it doesn't lessen the impact his behaviors have on the rest of us. I slao know I probably sound like a scratched record but it is what it is.

I know I can speak for Lizze when I say we don't want to give up on Gavin but I just don't think we can do this much longer. I know that we won't survive this long term. I know that.. No matter how much we keep pushing ourselves we just don't have much left.
It's like when you are working out with free weights. If you are doing some curls or even bench pressing you can only go for so long before you hit a fail point. No matter how bad you want to do that last rep you just physically can't. That's what it feels like.
I have to much to worry about right know to be able to cope at all. Here's my top worries at the moment:

1) The pregnancy. I could of easily lost Lizze the last time and we almost lost Elliott. That is my worst fear.

2) Keeping Lizze out of jail. I know I said they cannot get away with this but never say never. After all this is our live we are talking about. Anything that can happen will happen, regardless of the odds. If we can fend this one off what will they do next? Because apparently our lives are complicated enough already.

3) How do we ensure the health, happiness and safety of Elliott and Tiny and how long can we keep it up. We also have to take care of ourselves but when? How do I keep my family from falling apart.

4) How do we all live together. Things are only going to get worse for Gavin once the baby gets here. Worse for Gavin means worse for us. More meltdowns and more violence.

5) How do we do all of this without making Gavin feel different (I know we don't think he can perceive things like that but as his parents we assume he can) then the other kids. We don't want him to feel unloved or unwanted but he has to be treated differently then the other kids.

6) How will we survive financially? Because I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off. Retirement? What's that?


There it is. My current worries... All are very real. There are so many more but just listing these has made me sick to my stomach.

We need a miracle.. I am pretty sure that's what it is going to take to get through this alive....

That's my "completely overwhelmed, extremely stressed out and losing my mind" rant for today. I had to blow off a little steam...

Ok now the Lizze update. We had to go in to see Dr.D this afternoon because her contractions were getting really weird. They are 15 to 20 minutes apart but some were lasting 10 minutes. So we had to get checked out.. Same song different day. Nothing we can do but Tiny is doing great. We are almost 34 weeks so nothing will be stopped if she does officially start labor. So we are on edge because we really don't know what is going on but we know it's getting real close. I am sure Lizze will post more later.


Thanks

Wow. I've spent 90 days on strict bed rest. That's just unreal to me. Of course, I've broken out of jail a few times during those 90 days but still. It's been 90 days since preterm labor went from a concern and possibility to a reality. It's been 16 weeks since the ER docs said we were experiencing a "threatened abortion" (I still hate that term.) and if it happened it wouldn't be our fault. Tiny's a fighter, that's for sure. I just hope he has it in him to fight for another 4 weeks.

I've spent the weekend having crazy contractions. They were consistantly 15-20 minutes apart, which is nothing new. But some of them were lasting for 5-10 minutes a piece. I woke up this morning with cramps that were so bad I actually thought for a split second that I was getting ready to start my period. Then I remembered that I was pregnant and that wasn't going to happen. After debating all day, Rob finally called Dr. D's office. They had me come in at 4:10pm.

I had an NST and fFN test done. Dr. D said that while I was having some contractions things looked good. He said that if I go into labor at this point he isn't going to stop me. He'll just let me go and allow Tiny to enter into the world. They gave me a shot of Demerol/Phenergan to help with the pain and nausea from everything. I must admit, it was nice to be relatively pain-free for a little while.

The Stats
Weight: 183 (I gained 4lb! Yay!)
Tiny's Heartrate: 147bpm
NST: passed (3 cx/20m)

For now we are just waiting. Again. I'll be sure to update if anything changes. I'm hoping to make it to 36 weeks but Rob thinks it will be sooner. Let's hope not.

Rob is now cleaning like a mad man. I think he's nesting enough for the both of us. (lol) We have a lot we need to get figured out PDQ. I need to get a duffle bag and pack it for me. Have bags packed and ready for the boys. Have arrangements made for who is taking which boy. There is so much to be done and I just don't have the energy to do any of it.

90 days down ~ 45 to go
13 weeks down ~ 5 to go

I need to write up my own update. I know this. I keep trying. The fact of the matter is that I'm so exhausted, I'm lucky to function at all. My morning (all-day) sickness has returned and the phenergan isn't touching it. Although eventually it does knock me out for a few hours. So I guess I'm getting away from it that way. As soon as I can find 15 mins to myself in this mad-house, I swear I'll post an update. For now, know that we are surviving...for the moment.

A- Attached or single: Attached

B- Best Friend(s): Rob & My Mommy

C- Cake or Pie: Cake

D- Day of Choice: Monday

E- Essential Item (s): Pop, journals, art supplies, pens, cell phone, PC

F-Favorite type of music: Christian and Country

G- Gummy Bears or Worms: Sour Patch Kids

H- Hometown: NE Ohio

I-Indulgence(s): pop, chocolate, art supplies, pens, journals

J- January or July: July (for mine and Tiny's birthdays) January (for the weather - I hate the HEAT!)

K- Kids: 2.5

L- Last movie: August Rush (awesome flick!)

M- Marriage Date: September 2003

N- Number of Siblings: 1 brother (2 - 1/2 sisters I don't have contact/relationships with)

O- Oranges or Apples: Both

P- Phobias or Fears: Small Spaces, needles, water, spiders

Q- Quote(s): Bad luck is something we endure. Good luck is something we create. ~ Bobby Kennedy

R- Reason To Smile: My family

S- Season: Spring

T- Tag : Nikky (because it's so much fun to mess with her lol), Julie, Slade, Apple

U- Unknown Fact About Me:

V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: I eat meat. Does that mean I'm an oppressor of animals?

W-Worst Habit: Procrastination

X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Ultrasounds

Y- Your Favorite Food: Mexican

Z- Zodiac: Cancer

89 down ~ 46 to go

Lizze and I wanted to take a minute and say thank you to Gavin's very "GIFTED", patient, kind and caring teachers (including staff). You know who you are... We would have been lost without you. Gavin has done so much better as your student then he ever has before. Thank you for your patients, understanding and compassion this past year. You are trully a credit to your perfession. We really hope we are woking with you again next year.There's a few containers of "box tops" in it for you... :) lol

Thanks Again for all your hard work. All of you have made a "HUGE" difference in our lives.....

Rob and Lizze

Today has been pretty uneventful thus far. My parents are taking the kids for a little while to go celebrate my Grandma G's birthday.... Happy Birthday Grandma...

We have only had 1 or 2 minor meltdowns today (Thank God). Mostly today is just not listening. It's not like he is ignoring us, or disobaying us. He is just lost in his own little world and so we are literally repeating ourselves a dozen times for everything.. It quite exhusting acctually. However, no violent tantrums so far... Great job Gavin!!!!!

Well we are going to try and rest while they are gone.

It has been asked by Anonymous "why do you all have ptsd?" I have it as a "parting gift" from my ex-husband and our previous disaster of a marriage. Rob has it from all the horrors he witnessed while saving lives as a firefighter/paramedic. Gavin has it...well, he's a minor and my son...so just take my word for it...he has it. His Autism actually puts him at an increased risk because he can't process the world around him, let alone tell; which makes him the "perfect victim". Elliott Richard doesn't have it. Thank God for small favors. (When I have more time, I may eloborate on my "parting gift". But seeing as how it's currently 11:07pm and I've been having wicked contractionns all day and Elliott has been super fusy...it can wait. Most of you know it already anyway and no one likes repeats. lol)

Thank you for the question.. :)

Good Night........

The first day of summer vacation has been a disaster. It started at 7am with Gavin beating on our door because he thought his TV wasn't working (even though he hadn't even turned it on, cause if he had he would have seen it was working). Then he beat on the door an hour later because we were sleeping to long, I guess.

I lost track of the meltdowns today. It started first thing this morning and continued until about 7pm this evening. I think Gavin scared the teller at the bank today because out of nowhere he started screaming and screaming as loud as he could. Then he started to lash out at Elliott who was trying to kiss it and make it better. Gavin hasn't listened ALL DAY LONG. I am losing my mind. Elliott is not feeling good again and keeps waking up and screaming and we are having a hard time comforting him..

Lizze isn't doing good. Her contractions are raging right now. Some are lasting pretty long and are really painful... We are living in our bedroom because we have a window air conditioner in there (Gavin can't stand the air so he hangs in his room). We have to keep the windows on the first floor closed because the people in our neighborhood are not nice and have zero class. They curse and yell and do drugs right outside my house. We cannot allow the kids to play out side in our fenced in yard because our neighborhood is going down the drain.

I keep wondering what kind of life we are giving our kids. It breaks my heart to see my family falling apart and I don't know what to do about it... Our quality of life is nothing anymore... I want so much more for my wife and kids but no matter what I do nothing works or something else happens and drags us right back down.

Elliott is screaming I got to go. Hopefully tomorrow is better....

I will keep you posted on Lizze's condition...

Well last night Elliott went to bed a little before 7pm. That was really good because he was tired. But we soon learned that he was tired because he was getting sick. He was up all night long, waking up every 30 mins or so crying. He woke up with a fever of 100 F. Another night with no sleep is par for the coarse.

Gavin seems to have slept better last night but was up by 6am and watching cartoons. We got of to school with to many problems. This is the last day of school for the summer and we are both on edge because we know what that is going to mean.

Lizze and I have been trying to figure what the sleeping arrangements are going to be for the Elliott and the baby. We are waiting to find out if Gavins MRDD rep was able to get us funding to increase our home security system so it will monitor Gavins room at night. At this point we don't feel comfortable putting Elliott in his room unless we lock Gavin in his (which we are also uncomfortable with)room at night. That brings up safety concerns for Gavin and it will also encourage him to use is carpet as a toilet again (WE DON"T WANT HIM TO START THAT AGAIN)...

Today my goal is to try to get the kitchen caught up (it fell apart with all the plumbing problems) and laundry done.

Lizze is resting but is in a tremendous amount of pain still. She is distracting herself by working on some greeting card orders she has in right now (thank you for the orders).

Elliott is feeling a little better and is all over the place once again.

I am going to keep setting small goals and try to accomplish them.

The mail just got here and still no check. Our economic stimulus check was supposed to be here by May 30th and we still haven't seen it yet. It is starting to make me nervous (but I am constantly on edge so that doesn't take much) because our income tax return direct deposit got lost this year and was delayed because of that... I just hope it shows up eventually...


That's all for now... More later....

I can't believe it's morning already. Last night seemed to go on....forever.


Elliott Richard is getting sick. He doesn't seem to have any symptoms other than a fever and a grumpy disposition at the moment. He didn't sleep for crap last night, which in turn means that we didn't sleep for crap either. We gave him some tylenol and he seems to slowly be making a come-back. Genetics seem to work in his favor here because Rob and I both tend to get sick and then recover pretty quick. (Rob just tends to get sicker since he doesn't get sick very often. Whereas I tend to get whatever it is to a lesser degree but I get it more often.)


I woke up feeling like I had a night of charlie horses in my right leg and uterus all night. I am so incredibly sore it's unreal to me right now. I don't know how I managed to sleep through a bunch of charlie horses but it feels as if I did. My stomach feels as if I was beaten on in my sleep. Rob keeps asking me if I need to call Dr. D's office because I'm in so much pain and discomfort at the moment. I don't think I'm in labor or anything. It's probably just normal pregnancy related torture. (Thank you, Tiny.)


Today is officially the last day of school. I honestly can't take the time to feel overwhelmed at the idea of Gavin home all day everyday.


87 down ~ 48 to go

I started this post a few days ago and I really struggled with this. I don't know if this will make any sense but it has been swimming around in my head and I needed to get it out.....

First of all I wanted to express our many thanks to all you out there that come by and visit us here, or at our card store. I cannot begin to explain to you how good it feels to know there are still caring people out there. Most of you don't know us outside of this blog but still choose to leave kind words and encouragement. Your kindness is so very appreciated. We have been living through some very difficult times for the past 7 or 8 years now. It's comforting to know people care....We will forever be grateful for your thoughts and prayers..Please know we keep all of you in ours....

Secondly I would like to re-emphasize the purpose of this blog. As I said earlier we are living and have been living through some very difficult times. We have been defending ourselves and Gavin (our 8 year old with Autism/bipolar disorder/adhd/ptsd/ocd and sensory integration disorder) from his drug and alcohol addicted father and abusive grandmother. They have been waging war on us for almost 7 years now. Even with EVERY doctor,caseworker and teacher 150% behind us, we still cannot stop the barrage of contempt motions and the psychological warfare from continuing. These attempts never go anywhere but we still have to go to court to address them. Currently there are 2 motions pending to have Lizze put in jail for up to 60 days. Again they CANNOT win but we still have to drive 2 hrs to appear in court in another part of the state and pay our attorney a crap load of money we don't have just to make this go away only for it to happen again. Lizze has been on bed rest for many months now and the stress of all this stuff doesn't help. Our attorney along with her doctor told the court that if forced to appear in court now, it could very well kill her and or the baby. The court then had to force a continuance because her ex mother and law refused to postpone court till after the pregnancy despite knowing what could happened to Lizze or our unborn son. In the end Lizze was granted about 5 days recover from labor and delivery before she must appear in court and deal with this stuff. We are hoping this will be the very last time we are put through this and we intend to close any possible loop hole that may exist to ensure this cannot continue to happen in the future.

Gavin.....

Gavin is a sweet, compassionate child with a huge heart and spirit. Gavin is also Autistic and Bipolar (just to name a few). He is struggling with every single aspect of life right now. He is severely regressed and best we can figure he is somewhere between 2 and 4 years of age emotionally. He cannot handle anything anymore. He is violent to himself and his little brother. We cannot allow them to play together because Gavin can snap in a second. Gavin is a good kid but is troubled. We have exhausted all our resources (physically, emotionally and financially)trying to protect him and ensure early intervention for his disorders. We are doing everything we can to ensure he has a good life and as bright a future as possible. Unfortunately, right now there is nothing more we can do for Gavin because he has so many problems we have to wait until he cycles down and we can pick them apart and see what is what. The most painful part is now our lives have been reduced to "ensuring the health of the healthy". The various Doctors we see have all told us that the only thing we can do at this point and for the foreseeable future is to "Physically Survive". We can no longer pour everything into Gavin because we have other kids to worry about now.

The best way to explain it is like this: Think of all of us as bank accounts. Gavin's account is always in the negative no matter how much we deposit. Elliott has a growing balance and retains anything we can give him. Lizze and I have over the years "spent" or "deposited" all our money into Gavin's account. No matter how much we deposit into Gavin's account it will never have a positive balance (at least at this point). Over the many years we have been doing this we have been beaten down so many times that we have lost all our money. What very little we have left has to be divided up between everyone. However, there isn't enough to go around. So with what little we have left, we have to figure out how to "spend" it. As I stated earlier we have been advised by the doctors to "invest" the money into Elliott and the baby because they will benefit from our efforts. This again is because no matter what we do we cannot fix Gavin. If we continued to pour money into Gavins account then Elliott and the baby would be negatively effected and we cannot allow that.

I know this sounds bad and unless your in our shoes it might not make any sense. I know some of you out there know what we are talking about. All we can do for Gavin at this time is Love him, care for him, keep him from hurting himself or others and keep trudging along. However we are to the point where residential treatment is once again being kicked around. Our family is crumbling under the years of trauma, stress and pressure. Our health is going down the drain. Pattie said she cannot believe we have made it this far for this long. She said we "HAD" to get immediate relief or we would completely fall apart and whats left of our family could be lost. She said it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when".
We had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our life. We sent Gavin to stay with Lizze's parents. My parents picked him up from school and her mom took him after work and then to school in the morning. They have been doing this for 6 or 8 weeks now. This has helped Lizze get through the past 6 or 8 weeks of the pregnancy. Gavin is in a kind loving environment and was shielded from all the stress from the pregnancy and the court things... It was the lesser of 2 evils.However, not a day goes by that we don't feel like complete failures as parents. We are reassured by his therapist Pattie that we have done "absolutely everything we can" and now we have to survive. We are and have been for a while at the point where we are having to choose between our kids. Gavin does not tolerate Elliott very often anymore. Elliott has been hit, pushed, screamed at and kicked across the floor for simply touching Gavin. Elliott is paying a very high and we owe it to him to continue to protect him from that. We have to ensure that Elliott has a safe and loving home and the only way we can do that with Gavin there is to keep them seperated. That is very difficult and not always possible. Elliott still has his toddler bed in the corner of our room because it's not safe for him to be in his own room unless we lock Gavin in his at night.
School is out for the summer this Thursday and Gavin will be back home full time again and I don't know what we are going to do.

If all this wasn't enough all of this has taken its toll on our health. Lizze has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (due to the extreme amount of long term stress and trauma), ptsd, depression and a few other things. Her body has basically turned on itself. I am suffering from a career ending back injury,ptsd,depression and degenerative disc through out my spine. Lizze and I both live in constant physical pain every single day. It makes things so much more difficult to deal with. However we push through it and do what we need to do for our family...

Wow I got off track...
Sorry about all that the flood gates opened....

SOOOOOOOO, back to the point...

This blog is our ONLY outlet. Over the past few months we have had the honor of meeting some really kind people on our blog. It has been very therapeutic to be able to use this as a forum to vent our frustrations with the major setbacks and share our miracle moments also.. We spent years keeping this all to ourselves and "sugar coating" everything because we knew its was to overwhelming for people to hear about. Since then we have come to the realization that it doesn't help us much to hide all this. So now we use this as a (most of the time) journal of our daily trials. I am sorry if anyone felt like we had different motives (ie looking for free stuff or money or anything else like that). I want to make it clear this blog is here for us to tell our story and that's it...
We have been overwhelmed by all of your thoughts and prayers, and honestly, sometimes that's all that gets us though the day. Through this blog we have found that there are indeed kind, selfless, compassionate people still left in the world and they seem to have migrated here. We are asked many times by people how they can help. Honestly, we aren't looking for anything. Your thoughts and prayers are more then we could ever have asked for or even imagined. But to honestly answer those who are asking to do more, you can feel free to visit our card store. Lizze has opened a greeting card store in an attempt to help us finacially make ends meet. So if you need a card just check her store out or pass the link along. This store is hopefully going to help us to continue to survive. Again, PLEASE don't feel you have to do anything. All we humbly ask for is your continued thoughts and prayers.

My head hurts and I need to make dinner. I hope this made sense. It sounded right in my head but that doesn't mean anything anymore...

Thank You for your support.
Please know that we keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers each day.

What Tiny is up to this week: For all the weight and bulk you’re lugging around these days, you’d think your little champ should weigh much more than a mere 5 lbs and measly 17 inches in height, but nope, that’s about the average size for a baby in its thirty-third week. In terms of appearances, they’re getting cuter and pudgier every minute as they pile on the baby fat for those adorable little wrist rolls and chubby toes. And as we’re sure you’ve already noticed they’re getting stronger with every passing day. Nowadays, it’s possible to observe a well-placed kick just by watching your belly—but you already knew that didn’t you? Although they’re getting stronger, your bigger-by-the-day baby is losing space to move around, so the actual rate of movement will drop off in the last few weeks, despite that powerful drop-kick they’ve been working on. Hey, did you know you’ll continue feeling their movements even during labor?

As you can see from the sidebar, Tiny has gone back to Tiny because we can't decide on a name. Again. *sigh*

It's shaping up to be "one of those days".

I should have known when I woke up 5:30 - 6:00am with a charlie horse so bad that all I could do was cry, that it wasn't likely to be a good day. Poor Rob asking me which leg it was so that he could rub it but I couldn't even talk I was in so much pain. After that charlie horse went away, I had...I'm not sure what it was. It felt like a charlie horse only it was in my uterus not my legs. By the time I worked my way through all of those, it was time to get up and get Gavin ready for school.

That's when the fun really began! When we got up, Gavin was already awake and watching cartoons when I stumbled out of the bedroom at 7:30-ish. When Rob asked him to get dressed and put his socks on, Gavin lost it. He started screaming how we woke him up (we didn't), we were mean (we try not to be), he hated his life (we're doing our jobs as parents then). On and on he went. I can't wait for the last day of school tomorrow. Then he'll be home with us all day, every day. (Um...yay?)

86 down ~ 49 to go

Just got home from my NST, BPP and appointment with Dr. D. Things went well. (Yay!) We had the BPP first. Tiny is looking good. She didn't take measurements because she does those every two weeks and we just measured him on Thursday. So he'll get measured next week at the hospital. He was such a trooper. Breathing as soon as we started and then breathing through the whole BPP. He was moving his hands and fingers around. He's still head down and from what I can tell "locked and loaded". Barb was trying to get us a picture of his profile and it was so cute because the umbilical cord was right in front of his mouth (the cord looks like bubbles on an ultrasound) and Tiny had his lips puckered so it looked like he was blowing bubbles! (lol) Barb tried to get a picture of it for us but she couldn't get a good one because my hip bone was in the way (that's how far "head down" he is!). It was so cute to see though. So Tiny passed his BPP with flying colors again. (Double yay!)

After the BPP we had the NST. I passed even though I had 3 contractions during the half hour test. Tiny was moving around and his heartrate was having all the appropriate decells and whatnot. I think he only moves because the monitors on my belly make him so angry; other wise I don't know that he'd move that much. (lol) Those 3 contractions were kicking my butt though. It was bad enough that I woke up with morning sickness again this morning. Then the contractions were making my back hurt and giving me cramps. It sucked.

Once we finished up with the NST we got to see Dr. D for a minutes. I asked him about the return of the evil morning sickness. He said it was normal. I told him I have been taking my phenergan for it. He said, "Oh the 12.5mg?" I laughed and told him that I was taking the full 25 mg and I was lucky if that took the edge off, forget about getting rid of it. (lol)

Now we just hang out until next week. I have to go to the hospital next Wednesday for my BPP and NST because Barb is on vacation. Then I see Dr. D on Thursday to go over the results. (Yay!) I can't wait to see how much he's grown in two weeks. :)

The Stats
Weight: 179lb
at least I managed to maintain my weight with the return of the morning sickness)BP: 96/63
Tiny's Heartrate: 137bpm
Fundal Height: 33 cm
(right on target which is good considering he's already head down and locked in place)
BPP: Passed
NST: Passed (only 3 contractions)

After we finished up at Dr. D's office we had to stop and pay a bill. Then Rob took me for Chic-Fil-A on our way back to Mom and Dad G's to pick up Elliott Richard. (It was being delivered to Dr. D's office as we were leaving and it smelled heavenly!) We hung out at Mom's for a little while. I finished off my lunch. Elliott Richard took bites from each end of his kickin' strips. Then we headed for school to pick Gavin up.

I admit it. I cheated. I went in to the school and said Hi to everyone. It was so great to be there! I can't even tell you how much I have missed picking Gavin up and seeing everyone 5 days a week. That was by far the best "pick me up" I've had in a while. (Not that the sprinkle wasn't an awesome "pick me up" because it was. It was just different.) Plus, not to sound completely narcissistic here but it was nice just to be missed. (lol)

Now I'm back at home with my feet up. Just like I'm supposed to be. I'm trying to listen to the radio on the internet but they are being difficult! The only one I can get to work is MSN/Pandora's and they don't have a very large selection. It's mostly mainstream rock/pop/r&B stuff, which I don't really care for. I was looking for a good christian pop station but they don't seem to exist. :(

Lisa just left. Only 3 more 17P injections to go! (Woo who!) Apparently since my 18th shot would have fallen on 36 weeks and 6 days my insurance company doesn't see the benefit. Dr. D agrees so it's all good. Plus let's face it, it's one less shot for me! (Yay!)

The Stats
BP: 100/60
Tiny's Heartrate: 130bpm

I've got an appointment at 10:20am for my weekly BPP and NST. I can't wait to see Tiny again! :) Hopefully we pass with flying colors again.

I need to scan last weeks BPP pics and post them. I also have some of the sprinkle pictures ready but I need to upload them before I can post them. Maybe I'll get it all done this afternoon.

You know for a woman on bed rest, you'd think I'd have plenty of time to get all this done. But you'd be surprised how much I have to do. And how difficult it is to do most of it on bed rest.

85 days down ~ 50 to go
13 injections down ~ 4 to go
12 weeks down ~ 6 to go

I had my sprinkle today. It was so much fun. I had an absolute blast just seeing my cousins. As we've all grown up we've each gone our different ways. As we should. But that's definitely made it difficult to hang out etc. I miss them all greatly. And I loved seeing them and catching up with them.

Wonderful company. Good food. What more could a pregnant gal on bed rest ask for?

(I'll post a more detailed update with lots of pictures tomorrow. For now my morning sickness has returnhed and brought a migraine for company. So I'm going to veg and watch "Andromeda strain" with Rob.)

Hi! Welcome to my blog. :)

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I have nothing but respect for you guys. And I would have loved to go with the Roto-Rooter guy who came and gave us an estimate, however, it honestly came down to a matter of money. We need to be able to pay the bills and buy diapers so the difference of $200.00 is a HUGE difference to us. If money were no object, I would have loved to have Roto-Rooter snake the line and "make it like new", as well, as had them replace the entire soil stack and plumbing int the full-bath on the 2nd floor. But that just wasn't feasable.

Thank you for your advice and input. I hope you'll come back and visit us again. I have a feeling that this drama will be on-going for quiet a while. :) lol

Seriously. I quit. I'm done. I want out. I want a new life. If anyone knows of any crimes I can witness that will get us into the Witness Protection Program...please let me know. Because right now, that's the only way I see out of this disaster.

So far we have spent $400.00 on trying to fix this disaster that passes for a "house". When last I updated on "The Leak" we were trying to figure out how we were going to afford to replace 2 toilets for an additional $400.00. Apparently, once again, that was the least of our concerns.

After the guy snaked the lines everything was running much better. We breathed a sigh of relief. We dared to think that maybe, just maybe our luck was beginning to turn around. Maybe the rain was going to stop and things were going to get better. *insert insane laughter here* Yeah, right. That might happen if we were talking about someone else's life. But this is MY LIFE. The life where things rarely go as they should. Where the sh*t storms last for weeks and months at a time. This is my life, where "bad" people do bad things and good people get the crap that bad people deserve.

Then we woke up this morning. We used the bathroom because it was fixed, right? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

We flushed the toilet twice and everything was working fine. After the third person flushed, everything came back up. When I say everything, I mean everything. The toilet over-flowed so there's stuff on the floor, which happens to be carpeted for reasons beyond my understanding. Stuff flowed back up into the bathtub. And we think, although we aren't sure, that stuff came up/down from somewhere in the 1/2 bath on the first floor. Which means that snaking the line didn't help the issue. Granted, it needed done anyway. However, financially we only can "afford" to what absolutely must be done. And I use the term "afford" very loosely here.

We are, quite literally, drowning in crap at the moment.

*side note* Does anyone know where my slightly altered quote in my title of this blog came from? It's a movie that I haven't watched since my partying days but the quote fits. (It's supposed to be "F*ck you." rather than "Forget you" but I'm trying not to cuss anymore. So "forget you" it is.)

No, I did not have a nervous breakdown. Although, truthfully, I prayed for one all day yesterday. I prayed for the chance to breakdown. Shut down. Unplug. I was (and still am to some extent) so incredibly over-whelmed it is absolutely unreal to me.

I spend yesterday with absolutely no appetite and feeling as if I were on the verge of a panic attack (something I haven't had it ages). I kept trying to "let go" just enough so that I could have the panic attack and get it over with. If you've had a panic attack (or many), then you understand what I'm talking about. The build up, the slow decent into the actual panic attack is far worse than the panic attack itself. My whole body feels as if it's electrically charged. My heart feels like it is going to literally beat right out of my chest. It's the whole fight or flight response. Only if I don't have the actual panic attack, I never get the end result, which means I'm stuck in fight or flight. While some people may be adrenaline junks and always chasing that "high", I am not one of those people. I prefer to be calm and laid back. (And yes, I realize that me preferring to be calm and laid back contradicts the fact that I have ADHD and am constantly on the go. But being "driven" by ADHD and being "driven" by adrenaline are two completely different things.) I spent a lot of yesterday crying. Mainly because I didn't know what else to and because of the pain in my back.

Rob, bless his heart, tried so hard to distract me and help me. But there are times when I can't be helped. No one can lead me through the "crap" but me. And I just wasn't in the mood to wade through anymore crap. (Afterall, I have more than enough of that in my walls. ;) lol) He put the window AC in our bedroom window. He went to the store for milk and juice and brought me home a rootbeer and some ice cream. He played "Bio Shock". But I just didn't want anything to do with any of it.

Then to rub some salt in my wounds, my satellite DVR box is fried. Julie and Susan will understand exactly what this means for me. My TV is my main source of sanity at the moment. (And let's face it, sanity is something that seems to be slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate these days.) I have a DVR full of shows that I want to watch. Nothing doing. I can't use any of the DVR features. I have to watch live TV. *shivers at the thought* (lol)

I love my life. I love my life. I love my life....

83 down ~ 52 to go

I'm tired of being strong. I want to breakdown like everyone else. I want to shut down. Shut off. Unplug. I'm tired of being sh*t on. (haha I made a funny. Too bad I don't feel much like laughing.)

"The Leak" was apparently the tip of the iceberg.

After spending $200.00 to fix that, we find out the whole sewage line is clogged. The only reason it's been working (for the past 5 years we've lived here!!!) is because of the 3 ft crack that was allowing "stuff" (use your imagination as to what exactly "stuff" is) out into the walls. Now since the crack is gone, the stuff has no other way out. The line is completely clogged. Rendering everything unusable. Toilets - unusable. Sinks - unusable. Washing machine - unusable. Bath tub/shower - unusable. So we had to pay another $200.00 to have the line snaked. (That's $400.00 total so far, that we didn't have. If you are keeping track.)

For the curious, here's what happens when the soil stack/sewage line is clogged. You flush the toilet in our 2nd floor full bathroom (toilet, sink, tub) - the sewage comes up into the tub. (Nice, huh?) You flush the toilet in the 1/2 bath (toilet and a sink) on the 1st floor - the sewage leaks into the basement. You turn on the washer - all sorts of lovely stuff floods the basement.

So the guy Dad G uses comes out. He taps on the cap to get to the line to snake it. The cap and a piece of pipe just fall off because the pipes are so rusted. He tells Rob that from what he can see, there has never been plumbing upkeep done on our house. The snaking will not hold for long. (The Roto Rooter guy quoted us $600.00 to snake the entire line. Making it "like new". The guy we used snaked a path through the...stuff. I'm sorry but if we don't really have the $400.00...we definitely don't have $800.00!)

The toilets are original to the house. Making them nearly 105 years old if they were put in when then house was built. Now we learn those need replaced as well. They are $200.00 a piece. (Putting the grand total at $800.00 not including tax.)

We need out of this house. This money pit. This Hell-hole!

I don't see how though. We will never get financed for a house. We don't have a down payment. Because of Gavin's "something more" we can't live in an apartment because even if the neighbors are understanding at first. Their patience will wear thin and we will wear out our welcome. I don't know where we will go. Or what we will do.

I'm honestly having a hard time holding my tongue at the moment. But Rob has asked me to do just that, for the sake of sanity...so I will. Out of love and respect for my husband, I hold my tongue.

It's true what they say; ignorance is bliss. I wish I were ignorant too. I could use some bliss right about now...

This will be a pity party post. It will not be happy or upbeat. Most likely, it will be bitter and sarcastic. You have been warned.

So I posted the other day about "The Leak". Rob and Dad G were able to fix it. (Yay!) It cost us around $200.00 (Boo!) but that's still better than the $5,000.00. (Yay!) Of course, they didn't replace everything. They just replaced the busted out portion. They even managed to fix the wiring so that I have power in my upstairs bathroom. (Yay!) Not that it matters now because the whole sewage line is backed up. (Ew!) When you flush the upstairs toilet it comes out in the bathtub. (Double ew!) When you flush the toilet in the half-bath on the first floor, the whole basement backs up. (Triple ew!)

This whole thing is just gross and disgusting. Not to mention so not what I need right now.

My back is killing me. I now have sciatic pain shootin down both legs and up my spine if I dare to move. I've been taking my medications that are supposed to help. They don't help. They dope me up pretty good so I don't care quite as much about the pain. But the pain is still there. I really hope this pain goes away after Tiny is here. It should. Although I already have arthritis in my back so there's a chance that this stirred all that up. *sigh*

Tomorrow is my sprinkle. I can't do laundry. I don't think I can take a shower right now either. On the bright side, the sprinkle is at my Aunties Paula's house and I can take a shower there if need be. The Roto-Rooter guy is coming some time between now (9:56am) and noon to give an estimate on "The Leak Part Deux". Rob has to go to the grocery store. And Gavin needs to come home from my mom's at some point. I love my life. *sigh*

82 down ~ 53 to go

Today "Sex and the City" movie is showing in theaters everywhere. I have been waiting for this movie for...ages! Sadly, I will not get to go. I have seriously over done things this week and my sprinkle is Sunday...so I really need to just stay down for the next few days. Plus there's the added issue of my sciatic pain is now in both legs at the same time. So I don't know that I would even be able to sit for a full movie without crying. Rob offered to watch it for me and report back. He was kidding but I know he'd do it if I asked. But that's not the same thing.

Oh well, just another thing to add to my "Things I've Missed While on Bed Rest" list. *sigh*

Pretty quiet day.

Rob and Dad G worked on "The Leak" until about 11:00pm last night. We had a bit of a scare at one point...While Dad was cutting through the soil stack he found an "electrifying" surprise. Apparently at some point a previous owner had run some electrical wiring up the back of the soil stack. While cutting the soil stack Dad G also cut the wires! Flippin' idiots! (Whoever ran the wires there. Not Dad G.) Then the problem was that now we had this leak and these sliced, exposed wires! Not a good combo. So Rob and Dad went and found the wires and capped them off to remove the risk. We were definitely lucky though.

"The Leak" is also far worse than we originally thought. It's not a "leak" so much as a 3 foot CRACK splitting the side of the pipe! They were concerned at one point that the crack extended farther down into the wall than they could reach. Luckily, it stopped just shy of "the point of no return". Now Dad G is back and hopefully they are going to be able to finish the repairs tonight. Although it won't help me much since the cut wires supplied power to the bathroom. I swear if it's not one thing, it's another.

We had our first BPP today at 3:00pm. I read up on BPP's yesterday but I still kind of figured they were just another ultrasound. Nope. Barb, the ultrasound tech at Dr. D's office, said that Tiny had 30 minutes to practice breathing twice for 30 seconds each time, show us 3 good movements, have some good accelerations in his heartrate and have plenty of fluid. Barb said we would sit there until we'd seen everything or 30 minutes had passed, which ever came first. Unfortunately, Rob missed most of the ultrasound because my mom was late picking up Elliott Richard. He'll get to see the rest of them though.

It was actually really cool. Tiny has just the right amount of fluid. (Yay!) He was breathing when she started and he didn't stop the entire time! (Yay!) She said it isn't breathing like we do but it helps him prep the right muscles for after birth. It was really cool to watch his little chest rise and fall. I'd never seen that before in an ultrasound. And while it's not an indicator of lung development, it's definitely a good sign! :)

Then she measured his belly, head and femur. According to his measurements he is the size of a 34 week old fetus (he's 32 weeks 1 day). She figured out that he weighed 4 lb 11oz!!! The average for a 32 week fetus is 3 lb 12 oz. So he's almost a full pound ahead! And here I was worried because my fundal height hadn't changed and I've been struggling to gain weight that he might measure small. Turns out he's been keeping all the weight for himself. (lol)

After she measured him, she watched for the movements. I think he only moved because she was poking him and he hates that. (lol) She didn't give us his score but she did say that had passed with flying colors.

Then we spent a little bit of time just checking out what Tiny looks like since Rob got a late start. She gave us 3 pictures, which I need to upload. One picture is of his foot, which was planted in my right ribs (he's head down just like we thought but she said there's a chance he may pop back out). The second picture is of his face looking at us. We even got to see his eye moving while we were looking at his face. (Very cool.) And the third picture is just of his nose and lips. You can see his tiny little squishie nose (who knew my squishie nose would turn out to be a dominant trait?! lol) and his lips! Seriously, we could see his lips all puckered up as if he wanted a kiss. It's too freaking cute!

We go back on Tuesday for our next NST and BPP. She said she won't measure his weight every week because there usually isn't much change. But they do these NST's and BPP's because of my thrombo-something (the reason I develop the blood clots and have to have the Heparin injections). She said the thrombo-whatever it is could cause Tiny to not get enough blood and nutrients through the umbilical cord. So once a week we get to see Tiny. I can't wait! :)

While we were spying on Tiny, my mom took Elliott Richard to pickup my Grammy for ice cream. Then she brought him home. He had fun and it was good for him to get out of the house and see his grandmas for a bit.

*Leak Update* Dad just finished cutting the piece out. He showed it to me once they removed it and it's *obvious* that this leak has been going on for *ages*. The crack appears to be 1/4 - 1/2 inch wide in some spots! That's just insanity! I can't wait for them to finish because this pregnant woman has got to pee! (lol) And Tiny's break dancing is NOT helping.

80 down ~ 55 to go (I think...)

Not for us.

Please pray for Angie and her family as they work their way through this difficult time.

Okay so I usually try and take my bed rest very seriously. Really, I do. But I've been struggling this week.

Sunday - I was good.

Monay - Was Memorial Day and we went to Mom & Dad G's house for a family cookout. I behaved. Really, I did. I only got up to pee or change location. I swear I only changed location twice. About 75% of the day was spent in Dad's super comfy Lazy Boy recliner with my feet up watching others play Wii or playing (from the Lazy Boy) with them.

Tuesday - Lisa came. Dropped Elliott Richard at Mom G's. Saw Dr. D. Visited at Mom G's for a while. Again from a reclining chair with my feet up. Came home and hung out in a funky mood. Went to dinner (got up twice to get food but I would have been up that much at home). Went to Pat Catan's (a locally owned craft store) and walked way more than I should have. Came home. Put Elliott to bed. Took my meds for my back and passed out at about 9-10:00pm.

Today - Got up a totally grump from lack of sleep and loads of pain. Took meds at lunch. Took a nap for 2 hours or so. Got up and helped Rob pickup before Dad G got here to investigate "The Leak". Transferred items (food, toys etc) needed for sanity upstairs to the bedroom. Relocated from living room to bedroom with Elliott Richard and Cleo. Oh and Gavin is also home tonight because my little brother has an awards ceremony tonight. So he's all setup in his room. (Thank God we had satellite installed in there!) Once in the bedroom I began refolding laundry that had become unfolded and putting it away. While Elliott has been playing with toys.

So yes, I supposed that's *technically* considered over-doing it. But at least the laundry is folded and put away. Well, the laundry that has been outgrown and now needs packed away.

Every day I *swear* I'm going to stay down all day. And every day I end up doing things that are definitely probably considered "over-doing it".

As I write this (on my phone) Rob and his dad are tearing into my walls. Examining the extent of the damage from "The Leak". It's bad. Real bad. Far worse than we thought. They left for Home Depot a little bit ago to get the part to patch it. Rob is hopeful that even with it beginning as bad as it is, it's still within reach to be patched. I hope so because until it's fixed, we've lost the use of our full bathroom. "Luckily" we have a 1/2 bath (toilet, sink) in our kitchen. (Don't ask. We didn't put it there.) I can't even begin to list all the things I find wrong with using this bathroom. I just pray that they can patch it. And I pray that my back pain doesn't bring me to tears during my u/s tomorrow. Oh and my "over doing it"...I hope and pray that doesn't cause Tiny to come early. (By the way, I talked to Dr. D's office today and my fFN was NEGATIVE! Woo who! So hopefully that will get us another two weeks of baking...that would take us to 34 weeks. Not bad.)

***Not sure when this will post but it was written late, late Wednesday night. Just so you know that the "today" I refer to is Wednesday, not Thursday.***

Okay so I had my weekly 17P injection and my appointment with Dr. D yesterday. I tried to write all about it yesterday but I was exhausted (still am) and it just wasn't happening. Sorry.

So Lisa came at 8:00am, per usual. We sat. We chatted. She took vitals for me and Tiny. Then she gave me my injection. I finally got around to asking her if she knows why some of the injections burn and others don't. She said that's just the way it goes. So nothing to be concerned about. Just one of those things. Overall, it was a rather lovely visit...aside from the whole injection part. :) lol


The we all got dressed and ready and took Elliott Richard to Grandma G's house. Then Rob and I went to my appointment with Dr. D. The appointment was at 10:00am but I didn't take into account the fact that he hadn't seen patients on Monday so the office was PACKED! I swear for every 3 patients they called back another 5 walked through the door. It was craziness.

At 10:45am they finally called me back for my NST. I had a few contractions that seemed to go on forever. But overall it went pretty well. Of course, in keeping with being my son Tiny started moving like a good little boy and then promptly got the hiccups so rather than being done in 10 minutes it took us about a half hour. (lol)

Once that was done, the nurse took me to the exam room. Dr. D came in and did the fFN test, which I guess will be my last one. (woo who!) He said that we are looking good and have done everything we can. Now we wait. He didn't really give any indication of whether he thinks Tiny will come in the next few weeks or not, at least not that I can remember. I asked him about the hot flashes I've been having. He said they were normal. As are the spots within my line of vision during the hot flashes. So all in all, it was a pretty low-key appointment.

Then we had to make an appointment for a BPP on Thursday (I was supposed to have it yesterday but they didn't tell me to schedule it so I have to go back tomorrow.) and an appointment for an NST and BPP for next Tuesday. :) Yup, I now get to see Tiny once a week until he makes his appearance. (Yippee!)

They didn't have the results of my fFN test yesterday when I called. So I have to call in a little bit to find out what they are. Rob still thinks it will come back positive. I'm not sure what I think. All I really know is that I'm sore and exhausted and can't seem to stay awake lately.


After my appointment we went to pick up Elliott Richard from Grandma G's house. We ended up hanging out for a while and just chatting with Mom. Then when it was time to leave we found Elliott passed out on the couch. So we stayed for a while longer. Once we finally got home I was in a funk. No reason really. I think it's just crazy pregnancy hormones.

Rob decided to take me out for one last "hurrah" and we went out for dinner. This is always one of the ways I can tell I'm a mom...Rob offers to take me to dinner and I pass up the places I would typically ask to go for a "kid friendly" place. I finally opted for Golden Corral because it's a buffet and we could get there and get Elliott eating right away. Plus there's the added bonus of I can eat whatever I want and as much as I want. And so can Rob and Elliott. So if Elliott doesn't eat what we picked out the first time, we can just get him something else. All I really cared about was the steak, potatoes, and sauteed mushrooms. :) Yum.

After dinner we made a quick dash to Pat Catan's so I could pick up some card making supplies. I also got to pick up some new stamps which were on sale and some different papers. Now I just have to find the motivation to make the cards. (lol)

What Tiny is up to today: In the latest womb reports, your amazing baby has now developed sensitivity to temperature! This means you’ll probably get a swift kick if you put a hot pad on your ginormous belly. For the Elton John lovers out there-- yes, baby’s got blue eyes. At this point, all babies do, although depending on their chromosomal disposition, this could easily change after birth (or even between now and labor), but for the time being, blue it is. Thanks to their recently matured lungs and a remarkably strong immune system, over 90% of babies born in their 32nd week, survive premature births. So it’s pretty much a done deal. Even if your little monkey’s planning on heading out early, their survival odds are in everyone’s favor. Time to celebrate (no, no, wait until after the birth to crack open the champagne!) We’re talking baby-showers and alcohol-free punch!

Oh and to answer the question some of you have been asking about Tiny's name...I was happy with Alexander. I even thought we may have found a middle name. Then Rob decides that he likes "Reid" and can't live without it. (insert eye roll here) I don't know how I feel about it. As a middle name, maybe. But I don't really care for it as a first name. (Help!)

Good morning. I'm exhausted and still not quite awake, despite having been "awake" for an hour and a half.

Elliott is busy taking my books off my book shelf, stacking them up and knocking them down. I am so sore it is absolutely insane. I woke up at one point last night, as in sat bolt upright from a deep sleep, trying not to scream in pain because I had the worst charlie horse I've had in a while. I felt silly because I was flapping around, trying to smack Rob awake to rub it out for me. (lol) I finally landed a few smacks and woke him up. Although he wasn't exactly awake, he tried to rub it out. He did manage to get it to a tolerable level so I was able to go back to sleep. So now, my leg is still cramped up. My back is cramped up. And for some reason my right arm is killing me!

Today my plan is to work on some things online. Try and make some cards. Eat a lot of food. And generally veg since I seriously over did it on Monday and Tuesday. Fun. Fun.

79 down ~ 56 to go
12 injections down ~ 6 to go
11 weeks down ~ 7 to go

I've been writing blogs on the stories of my boys. So far I've completed the first 3 parts of Elliott Richard's story. Once I finish telling his back story, I will go and write up Gavin's. If you are interested in how my pregnancy, labor and delivery etc with Elliott went...here you go. :)

Again I may be jinxing myself, but I'm thrilled (honestly, I am) to report that Elliott Richard slept THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! (Woo who!) That makes 3 full nights sleep in a row! Of course, we finally seem to have this down pat and just as we all get used to it...along will come Tiny. (lol)

As for today's plans...we are planning on going to Grandma and Grandpa G's house for a big ole family cookout etc. Before we can go there are a few things we need to do....

1. I need to take a shower.
2. Elliott Richard needs a bath.
3. I need to take my meds and get my "morning torture" (as I've taken to calling my Heparin injections).
4. Gavin needs to pack for Grandma W's.
5. I need to make plans to meet up with her.

I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and Grandpa G's ultra comfy Lazy Boy recliner. (Yes!) And hopefully there will be lots of yummy food to fill my tummy! :) My only concern about the day is that when I'm over there I tend to get up more than I do here at home...and I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I'll just have to make sure Rob is nearby at all times.

I'm still feeling like Tiny is dropped. Although I'm not quite sure if he's "engaged" or not. Meaning I think he's head down and hanging out in the birth canal, ready to come out and play. But I don't know if he's "locked" down there or if he can still pop out. I'm hoping he can still pop out. But I know he's down there pretty good because when he gets the hiccups now (usually 3-4 times a day) I only feel the little "bomp bomp bomp" down there and on my cervix. Before I would feel them all over and my whole belly would jump with them. I keep praying that he's going to pop back out and hang out in there for a while longer (only another 5 and 1/2 weeks) but I'm not sure that's going to happen. *sigh*

So while I'm not going to L&D or anything. And I know that a lot of you are already praying for us. If you could just pray extra hard that we make it to 36-37 weeks, I would really appreciate it.

I hated having Elliott Richard in the NICU, although the staff made it completely bearable and as pleasant an experience as possible. I hate that his medical records will forever read "preemie" because he was 36 and not 37 weeks. Plus on a completely selfish level, I would rather avoid the "bottle v breast" debate in terms of which will get him released faster. And again on the selfish level, I am going to want to be in the NICU all the time but with two kids "on the outside"that isn't going to be nearly as easy as it was with one.

Pray! Pray! Pray!

77 down ~ 58 to go

Now that we all know that Tiny is in fact a boy (If this is news to you, see previous post here.) we can talk names. Gavin has actually picked the first name: Alexander. Rob and Gavin plan to call him "Alex". I plan to call him "Xander". (That's pronounced Zander for those who don't know.) Unfortunately, the family as a whole agrees that he will most likely be stuck with the nickname "Tiny" for the rest of his life. lol (Sorry about that kiddo.) Now we are just trying to come up with a middle name. Rob wants Alexander Joseph. I like Alexander John. I'm open to suggestions. Just bare in mind that I don't have to like or take your suggestions. And it isn't a reflection on you or anything else if I don't take your suggestion. It simply means it wasn't "right".

So let's have some fun with this. Let's have a little contest. I don't have anything to offer as a prize other than the thrill of knowing that you helped me keep from going crazy trying to figure it out on my own. Here are my guidelines. You don't have to follow them. That's why they are guidelines.

I'm big into meaning. (Some ideas are God, gift, firey, fighter.)
It has to sound good with Alexander. (I don't want to feel silly calling out his full name when he's in trouble. lol)
Unique is good.
Crazy and completely out there are not. (I don't want him picked on for sharing his middle name or scared to share it.)

And just for reference purposes, here's the meaning and origin of Alexander.

Alexander: Greek meaning Defender of men

I think I'll leave this open until Tiny is born or I find a winner, which ever comes first. (I'll bump it once a week to keep it fresh in your minds. :) lol)

Okay so I haven't introduced my new blogs recently. Well not my new blogs but the blogs and whatnot that I've found and grown addicted to. :)

Bed Rest and Beyond ~ This is the story of Becci. She started this blog when it was discovered in her second pregnancy that she has I.C. (Incompetent Cervix). She had a cerclage and nearly her entire pregnancy was spent on strict bed rest. She chronicles her entire pregnancy and delivery. Then she goes on to tell the story of their journey on the quest for #2. I love the blog! Now go! Check it out! Read Becci's story - start to finish! :)

Ok...I have other blogs that I have discovered. However, I don't know if I'm going to add them to my Blogs of Note list. So it remains to be seen if they will be listed here. Now on to the other things I've discovered and want to share...

Verve Earth ~ You go. You sign up. You start a little profile-thingie. It plots you on the global map every time you view your blog (I think). And it shows all the other people around the globe who are viewing their blogs. You can search based on keywords etc. It seems pretty cool.

Blogamama ~ You can list your blog here too. I *think* you have to be a mama to list your blog here - but I'm not sure. Since most of you who read my blog are mamas...you're good to go. ;) lol Although in order to list your blog you have put their little graphic button or text link on your blog linking back to the Blogamama page. No big deal really. And that's where I found a bunch of the blogs I'm currently reading and reviewing for you. ;)

The Mom Blogs ~ Now this one I know for sure you have to be a mom in order to list your blog here. However, it operates much like Blogamama. You give them your information. You put their button/icon thingie on your blog - on the actual blog not in a post.

So basically, for an interesting read...check out Becci's blog. To find some cool blogs to read, checdk out Blogamama and The Mom Blogs sites. :)

I'm off to vegge now...seriously...I am. I swear. Maybe...

Double blech! The more Rob and I debate whether Tiny has dropped. The more we are certain that he has. Or he's trying. I've only got one lump now, so I know he isn't laying transverse (side to side). And I'm 90% certain that lump is his butt because he's been spinning and I watch his feet become little lumps as he pushes off and spins. Then I'll get a foot to the ribs and an elbow when he wants to stop. It's interesting. I'm so sore. My whole body just aches! Especially where he's doing all his break-dancing moves - oh dear God. Not to mention the pain when he nabs a ligament with an elbow.

Luckily, I've been sleeping okay the past few nights. Although I probably just jinxed myself by saying that. Elliott Richard has been going to sleep without help, although I'm still sitting nearby. Every night I move a little more away. I'm also trying to get him to fall back to sleep on his own. It's so going...but we're getting there.

I finally got all of our contacts into Outlook. All 204 of them! And I didn't even add all of the contacts in my organizer. I only added the ones we had to have. Well that and all of my email addresses...but still...204 is just insane.

Okay, the "morning sickness" is kicking in again. Time to take my meds. Then find something to eat. And zone in front of the TV - Rob is wants to watch "Norbit". That movie where Eddie Murphy plays most of the characters himself. *shrugs* Whatever.

I've been feeling really crappy today. I don't think I'm getting sick. It's just pregnancy ickies. I woke up this morning to find Tiny out of my ribs and dropped! (Ack!) I'm praying that he's just practicing and will pop back out. It is too early for him to even think of making an appearance!

My morning sickness has been rearing it's ugly head for the past few days. I've been taking my Phenergan but it's only taking the edge off. What really stinks is that I'm starving but when I eat absolutely nothing sits right. Which is just cruel and unfair for a pregnant woman!

I've been feeling a little better contraction wise over the past few days. Still having them but nowhere near as bad as they have been. Today they are back with avengance! Right now they are 10 minutes apart consistantly. My back is killing me with them too.

I refuse to have this baby now! I've got a shower in 8 days darn it! *stomps foot* (at least I would stomp my foot if I weren't laying down to try and stop this mess) Plus I had decided he was going to be full term (even if that's just 37 weeks) so that Rob and I wouldn't have to deal with the nursing over bottle issue again. *sigh*

I wonder what it's like to have a "textbook" pregnancy. *double sigh*

Okay, so I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Let's face it, I'm a thinker to begin with so I think way more than I should right out of the gate. Then you throw in the bed rest and there really isn't much more for me to do besides think...a lot.

Anyway, one thing I've been thinking about is "Friendship".

I love having friends. (Who doesn't, right?) And I've been blessed enough to have a few true friends off and on my whole late teens/adult life. My best friend from high school, Amanda, said it best a few years when she described our friendship. She said that she's always known we are true friends because even when we go years without seeing or talking to each other (my fault but that's a long story), when we reconnect it's as if no time has passed at all. I love her for her willingness and ability to forgive me.

Truth be told, and I'm sure some may disagree, I feel like I am a horrible friend. I don't know why. I can only guess. There are some friend-things I always do. Then there are other friend-things that I am good at in the beginning but as time goes on, I down right suck. I will always be there for my friends to the best of my ability. It is not unusal for me drop everything to sit with a friend with a broken heart or drive where ever, when ever to help a friend out. As I've grown up and my own responsibilities have increased this has become more difficult to do. Back in the day, I would drop anything and everything to be where ever I was needed. That part I'm good at.

The phone calls. Emails. Remembering to mail birthday cards etc. I'm horrible at. I'm great at remembering the actual days. I'm even great at getting a card (since I make them lol) but I just seem to fall painfully short when it comes time to mail them.

I think that people take my...lack of enthusiasm over phones calls and whatnot as a lack of enthusiasm in the friendship. That honestly couldn't be further from the truth. Part of it is that I go through moods where I want to talk on the phone all the time. Then there are moods when I will talk on the phone if I absolutely have to. Most of the time, I don't like to talk on the phone (except to my Mom). I guess it's kind of like I'm on contact overload after dealing with the boys all day. So when they are napping or down for the night, I just want to be left alone. To sit and do what I need to do or want to do without anyone demanding or needing my attention. Even Rob falls prey to this. I still consider you guys my friends, I just don't talk to you very much. Which sound bad.

*sigh* I just don't know. I miss my friends. I miss the days of being able to do special things for them. I feel guilty that my method of "doing special things for friends" has resorted to me leaving glitter messages on their MySpace pages or Facebook pages. I don't like having to resort to these things, however, something is better than nothing, right?

What am I teaching my boys about friends and friendship? When I was growing up, my mom had this friend that was just suffocating. At least I thought she was. She would call and my mom would be on the phone for hours! Even though they had just had lunch together the day before so seriously how much could they possibly have to discuss? And I learned early on that I did not want that kind of friendship. I didn't want to be the suffocating friend. Nor did I want to be the suffocated friend. Unfortunately, I never learned what that middle road was. I tried my whole childhood to find that middle ground. And I remember failing a lot along the way. But I don't know that I ever figured it out.

So, someone please tell me, where that middle ground is! How do you be a great friend without loosing yourself in the process? I'm open to any and all opinions on this...seriously.

75 down ~ 60 to go

Ok, so Rob gave me this great new phone that's way more than I will ever need. However, he feels better for having given me a really cool phone and I can check my email and instant message from it...so whatever. The problem is that I have needed to enter my contacts for the past...oh let's just say month now. I'm finally getting to doing that. Not because I want to but because I'm tired of getting text messages and not knowing who they are from. Plus, I'm on bed rest and I feel that I should at least accomplish a few "real life" things while I'm laying here.

Anyway, as I'm going through my contacts in Outlook I'm noticing duplicates galore. As well as, email addresses with no names and whatnot. So...I'm cleaning out my contacts. If I disappear from your MSN Messenger list, I'm sorry. If you no longer get emails from me, well, that's not really indicative of anything since I don't really email anyone very much. But you get the idea. I'm not deleting on a personal level. It's strictly a matter of time and space. (Do you have any idea how long it takes to scroll through all those email addresses with no names when I'm just looking for someone's phone number?! It's insane.)

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More
Written by: Lori Borgman
Columnist and Speaker

Expectant mothers waiting for a newborn's arrival say they don't care what sex the baby is. They just want to have ten fingers and ten toes.

Mothers lie.

Every mother wants so much more. She wants perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin. She wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly. She wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two). Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire
ballet class. Call it greed if you want, but a mother wants what a mother wants.

Some mothers get babies with something more. Maybe you're one who got a baby with a condition you couldn't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palate that didn't close. The doctor's words took your breath away. It was just like the time at recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming, and it knocked the wind right out of you.

Some of you left the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, took him in for a routine visit, or scheduled him for a checkup, and crashed head first into a brick wall as you bore the brunt of devastating news. It didn't seem possible. That didn't run in your family. Could this really be happening in your lifetime?

There's no such thing as a perfect body. Everybody will bear something at some time or another. maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, therapy or surgery. Mothers of children with disabilities live the limitations with them.

Frankly, I don't know how you do it. Sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that kid in and out of the wheelchair twenty times a day. How you monitor tests, track medications, and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists yammering in your ear. I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, the well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike. I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy columns like this one-saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this, you didn't jump up and down
in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God. Choose me? I've got what it
takes."

You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so let me do it for you.

From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of the draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. You're a neighbor, a friend, a woman I pass at church and my sister-in-law.

You're a wonder.

**********************
I borrowed this from Susie's blog. She borrowed it from someone else. Quite frankly, I don't care where it came from. I'm just content to have found it. I cried the first time I read it. Then I read it to Rob and I cried again. I've always felt that there weren't words to do justice to how it feels to be a mother of a child "with something more". Apparently there are words to do it justice. I simply hadn't found them yet.

I am thrilled to report that I actually got more than a 45 minute stretch of sleep last night! Wooooo Whooooo!!!!!! Rob and I made it to bed at about midnight. And it helped that I had just taken my medications for my back right before we went to bed. I vaguely remember Elliott Richard waking up at one point screaming his head off. Rather than wait for me to drag my pregnant butt out of bed (which is getting more and more difficult everyday) he hopped out of bed and ran over to Rob. Then he climbed over Rob into bed between us and we all fell asleep. We just woke up about a half hour ago. I'm by no means "caught up". (And yes, I know that you can never trully "catch up" on sleep but you get the idea.) But it was nice to get some sleep. Although I'm now more exhausted that I was yesterday because my body has had that taste of sleep and realizes how much it's been missing.

I had a crazy dream too. Rob, the boys and I went on a little mini vacation somewhere. When we got home we discovered that our house had been broken into. Rob started making the phone calls (police etc) while I went and took an inventory of what was missing. Here's the odd part, nothing was missing. Whoever had broken into the house had played with Elliott's toys and gone through his clothes - making a huge mess - but they hadn't taken anything. I'm thinking it has some subconscience meaning having to do with Elliott Richard and Tiny. It was just interesting.

I don't have any big plans for today. Just laying in bed. Staying down as much as possible, which honestly isn't nearly as much as I'm supposed to be down. I've been awake a whole 45 minutes and my back is already throbbing. And could it possibly be any colder this morning?! Ick!

74 down ~ 61 to go

I had plans for today. Even considering the fact that I got up at 4:00am. I even made a To-Do List. Here it is:

1. List new cards on Etsy.
2. Update pregnancy journals.
3. Write Elliott's Story (Before, The Pregnancy, L&D, Home, The Aftermath)
4. Write Gavin's Story (The Pregnancy, L&D, Home, The Aftermath)
5. Write the growing list of emails that needed written.
6. Ship gift tags that were purchased in Etsy store.
7. Mail Elliott's test.
8. Create database in Excel to track the inventory (both listed and purchased) for the Etsy store.

I managed to complete numbers: 1, parts of 3, 7, a portion of 8. I guess all in all that's not too bad.

My day has been pretty quiet. My back has been throbbing today. My morning sickness made an unwelcome appearance. So I've actually had to take my Phenergan as directed rather than as needed like I typically do. Rob was kind enough to allow me to take a 2 hour nap and a bath. I've been having contractions consistently 15 minutes apart for an hour then 20 minutes apart for an hour. Back and forth. Back and forth. All day today.

Elliott Richard appears unfazed by the waking every 45 minutes. I wish I were that resilient. lol

Gavin had a run in with Grandma and Grandpa G's dog, Rogue, this afternoon. She isn't sure what happened first but she does know that Gavin kicked the her (the dog). My mom called a little bit ago and I asked Gavin what happened. He said that Rogue jumped up (she's part Australian Sheppard and loves to jump) and knocked heads with him. He got angry and kicked her. I told him that we don't kick people, animals or things. We are only allowed to kick in martial arts. He said he understood and had told Rogue he was sorry. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I guess I'll start by calling Dr. R tomorrow and trying to get in earlier. Something has got to give. And right now, that "something" is our sanity...

You Can Only Type One Word
Not as easy as you might think.
Good luck!!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? selfless
3. Your hair? long
4. Where's your mother? work
5. Your father? driven
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? non-existant
8. Your favorite drink? pop
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you're in? living room
11. Your ex? pass
12. Your fear? pain
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. Where were you last night? bedroom
15. What you're not? comfortable
16. Muffins? blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? sanity
18. Where you grew up? Ohio
19. The last thing you did? kiss
20. What are you wearing? pajamas
21. Your TV? satellite
22. Your pets? irritating
23. Your computer? old
24. Your life? complicated
25. Your mood? exhausted
26. Missing someone? Granny
27. Your car? parked
28. Something you're not wearing? shoes
29. Favorite Store? Amazon
30. Your spring? outside
31. Like someone? sure
32. Your favorite color? blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
34. Last time you cried? yesterday
35. Who will/would re-post this? Julie
36. Who won't/wouldn't re-post this? Nikky
37. Favorite sport/activity? writing

I tag:
Julie (because she's bored and bed ridden like me)
Jen (because she hasn't posted in 2 weeks but might be reading and I miss her)
Nikky (because it will bug her and that's fun *evil laugh*)

And if you believe that, I've got bridge to sell you. *sigh*

For...what...the 4th night in a row (I've lost track at this point.) I've had little spurts of sleep. 45 minutes at a time. I don't know what is going on with Elliott Richard. I wish I did though because I honestly may loose my mind from pain + bed rest + lack of sleep. I was so ready to write this post (at maybe 8 or 9am - not 5:10am!) and tell you how yet again Elliott Richard shocked me with his ability to know when it's time for a change for him. I guess, to a certain extent, I can still write that post. Only it won't end quite the way I had hoped.

Elliott has always done things on his own time. Even in the NICU, he knew when he was ready and if we didn't listen, he made it loud and clear. Over the past 6 months or so, I've worked off and on to get Elliott Richard to self-soothe. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

Lately our routine has been: Daddy carries him upstairs for me and brushes Elliott's teeth. Then I sit in the bedroom next to his bed and help him fall asleep by patting his back and butt. Usually I ask him, "Do you want Mama to pat?" when he's playing around and he'll stop and say, "Yesh." Well the past few nights I've asked, "Do you want Mama to pat?" and he's answered, "No." Well it didn't occur to me that he was serious.

Then last night I asked. He said, "No." Again, I didn't think he was serious. So I started to pat and then I was distracted and I stopped for a moment or two. When I looked up, he was out cold! :) I was pleasantly surprised. Then all evening while Rob and I were watching the season finales of our shows, Elliott would wake up and fuss. Usually this would require one of us to go upstairs and help him back to sleep. Tonight he handled it on his own! (Yay!)

I had such high hopes for the night. He self-soothed to sleep. He self-soothed a few times during the evening. I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to get a full nights sleep. Nope.

From the moment Rob and I went to bed at midnight, he's been up every 45 minutes! I finally gave up at 4:45am and came down stairs. I turned the baby monitor off so I don't know if he's been up again. But he if he's going to do it again, he should be up any minute now.

I debated trying to sleep on my bed here in the living room but it's not worth it. I'd only get a few hours sleep, more like a nap, which would just make things worse for me during the day. So I'm sitting here. Writing blogs. Watching "The Steve Wilkos Show" that I have recorded. It's going to be a long day...

73 down ~ 62 to go

***Side note: Is anyone else having an issue with Blogger saving drafts as completely seperate posts in draft mode? I just went through my lists of posts because this post errored out when I tried to post it and I had probably 25 posts that were listed as "drafts" but most of them were nothing more than the title of posts that were finished and posted ages ago. Just thought I'd ask.

Today marks 31 weeks! Woooo whoo!

What's keeping Tiny busy this week: Your not-so-little-one is just a bit closer to their birth weight and height at around 4 pounds and 17 inches. With each added layer of baby fat, your baby's skin starts to look more and more like it will when they finally get to see the light of day. The heavy news: you can expect your miracle-gro muffin to gain about a half a pound of weight per week from now until about two weeks before birth. Great. That's just what you needed. Even more weight to carry around! Your baby's still-developing immune system has gained substantial strength over the past few weeks getting them in full gear to face our disease-ridden world o’ wonders. Obviously, a large majority of your child’s immune strength will be derived from exposure to breast milk as well as the outside elements. Their cute little noggin’ (which could already be covered with luscious locks or just purty peach fuzz), is still soft because the skull bones have not yet fused together. As much as that sounds a little too vulnerable, their “skull softness” allows for a much smoother passage through the birth canal during labor—something both you and your little swimmer will appreciate when it’s finally time to “go!” Also, some babies will have that “soft spot” on their head for up to one year after birth.