Cheerio Confessions

Sweet dreaming (Yeah, I know. It's a little blurry. But just look at that "grin"! lol)

The Drama King

The Thinker

So Content

Okay so tomorrow is my birthday. Historically, the week of my birthday (the 6 days before and the day of) sucks! This week has been par for the course. (See here.) I was hoping that if I was too busy/tired/stressed to recognize my impending birthday that maybe it wouldn't suck this year. So far that plan has backfired. Well it backfired until now. :)

So far this week lots of crazy crappy stuff has happened. (Again that's par for the course.) The high points of the week have been:

Nikky had Junior! (Yay!)
Cold Stone Creamery sent me a coupon for FREE ICE CREAM!!! (Yum!)
I may have "Girls Only" plans for lunch tomorrow. (Well, girls and Emmett. lol)
I get to finally get my hair cut today! (Woo who!)

This is where my birthday gift to myself and a child I'll never meet comes in. My hair is really long but the ends are all perm. I've been excited about my haircut but bummed at the same time because it seems like such a waste to throw all my hair away. I really, really, really wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love but I assumed I couldn't because of the perm.

I was wrong!!!! :)

I am so stinking excited I can't even tell you! I'll be happy to ditch my "Duggar-esq" hairstyle. I'll be sure to have Rob take plenty of before and after pictures. :)

I can't believe it's been three weeks since Emmett John made his grand entrance into the world. I suppose he's growing by leaps and bounds. I'm sure he's changing everyday right before my very eyes. But he still looks like my Tiny to me. I'm still amazed by all the new and different things I notice about him.

• He's started a game of sorts when nursing. He "sneaks" up on it a few times but never really latches on. Then he waits before "attacking"! lol
• At birth his eyes were such a dark blue that they looked almost black to me. Now they are slowly beginning to lighten into a deep blue.
• He's getting much better at lifting his head up. Although he always "over does it" and begins to look more like a huge bobblehead doll than a 3 week old baby. lol
• He loves his binkies. If we offer one and he isn't interested, he scowls and does this little gagging noise. Then he continues to scowl even after the bink is removed.
• His favorite face is the "fish face".

He's just getting so big. I keep coming back to "I'm not ready. I don't want him to grow up." He's the last one. My last baby. There will be no more pregnancies. No more babies. No more tiny clothes and tinier diapers. *sob*

This has been the week from HELL.
This is what has happened so far:

1) Our stimulus check is now 2 months late. We were desperately waiting for that.
2) Lizzes laptop finally completely died.
3) My really nice Braun Self-Cleaning Razor died yesterday. I bought that a few years ago, so it's lasted I guess.
4) We are at our wits end with poor Gavin. Things are really, really getting bad.
5) Our house is continuing to fall apart. We are renting so we can move but are limited because of Gavin's behavior. We cannot get an apartment or townhouse or duplex because of Gavin's fits.
6) I scrapped Lizze's laptop for parts and got some hardware for our desktop to allow for easier backup of our pictures and company information. During the process of installing the external hardware, my new 500gig SATA drive died. The logic board shorted out. I have tried to track down the exact same model and revision but no luck. It died before I could back it up. I have lost 8 years of information. We lost the first 2 years worth of pictures of Elliott Richard. I am so angry with myself for not backing it up sooner. I also lost every movie (and the RAW files) I have created over the past 2 years. I lost ALL our business records. I have been so distracted that I became complacent in my backups. I don't know if we can recover any of the loss. Recovery ranges for $300 to $3000+. Segate will replace the drive no problem but not the memories. I don't care about the business stuff, but the pictures of my baby breaks my heart. I still have all the raw video of Elliott and Emmett but not pictures. We lost over 14,000 pictures last night. Everything else is replaceable. My backups that I did have were destroyed a few monthes ago when our house was struck by lightning for the 2nd or 3rd time in 5 years. And with Lizze on bed rest and Gavin struggling backing up wasn't a priority. BACKUP< BACKUP< BACKUP> Learn from my mistakes.
7) Since all the company data is gone I have to start over from scratch. I had to mail my invoices today to avoid the 70 mile round trip to the office on Thursday when they are due. I have to start completely over.

My nearest and dearest Nikky is currently at the doctor's office. She will be 39 weeks pregnant with her first later this week. She is *very* uncomfortable and looking for an end to come soon. I know she's really anxious to meet Jr and see him. Not to mention be able to "sleep" without loads of pain. (Sssshhhh...we won't tell her about how sleep is a thing of the past once Jr is here. lol)

So if you're so inclined and you have a moment or two...please pray that Jr gets, understands and follows his eviction notice.

Gavin came home this morning and we found out that Grandma W caught him sneaking Lego's when he knew he was not allowed. He keeps claiming that he "Forgets". This is so frustrating because it appears that Gavin has become a liar.

We have known for a while now that Gavin has major problems but how do we know when he is lying. How can you tell when your autistic/bipolar child is lying to you or honestly unable to remember. It's so hard for Lizze and I because with everything he has going on, memory loss isn't out of the question. We struggle because it seems like he can remember the things that are important to him (but that isn't always the case either).
It sometimes seems that some of the repeditivness is compulsive on his part (again which is VERY possible). For example, if we tell him "No Lego's" he will throw a fit and then ask again 5 minutes later, but it's like he's asking for the first time all over again. So we may have heard him ask 5 times but each time he asks he thinks he is asking for the first time. We have had this happen over and over again for days at a time. Does that make sense?
The other side of the coin is that he may be minipulating us (because he has become EXTREMELY minipulative). He will ask the same question 10 different ways to try to get what he wants and then freak out each time we tell him NO.

It gets to the point where we have to ignore him completely, which feels terrible. I know I can only take so much. The doctors don't seem to have anything to offer as far as what to do. All we are told is he has to held accountable for his actions. The problem is how can you punish a child for something they may have no control over and how do you tell the difference?

Emmett John and I have been home for 2 weeks today.

I can't believe it. I'm still pretty sore if I don't take it easy. Or if I try and do too much. Apparently I'm going to have to relearn my limits or discover my new limits.

My hormones are still sorting themselves out. It's nowhere near the worst it's been since Emmett's birth. I'm actually starting to feel pretty normal. Mainly I've been tearing up at appropriate times and triggers. Sad parts in television shows. Sad songs on the radio. Stuff like that. And at least I'm no longer bursting into tears. Only tearing up.

Emmett John is turning out to be quite the laid back little baby. He was awake at 4:00am today. It didn't occur to me until later in the day that he's been working so hard to build up and increase my milk supply and last night it wasn't coming in fast enough for him. We've had this same problem all day today. He wants more but it just doesn't happen that quickly. Other than that, he's content to snuggle with me or relax in his swing or bouncy seat. He's awake more during the day now. And I just love watching him check out the world around him. He's just fascinated with Elliott Richard, which Elliott Richard *loves*.

Elliott Richard has been having a pretty good week. He's definitely entering the "terrible two's". He wants to pick everything out himself. Do it himself. As polite as he is, he still demanding while using his manners. It's a good thing he's so darn cute. ;) lol Other than the terrible two's, Elliott Richard is *all about Emmett*. When I change Emmett's diaper, Elliott is right there helping. When I nurse Emmett, Elliott is right there asking if the baby is hungry for nummies. He's quite the little helper when he's not trying to help by burying me in diapers, clothes, or blankets. lol

Gavin...well, he's Gavin. He's been claiming lately that he "doesn't hear" us, however, it's becoming more apparent that he's lying and not having a difficult time hearing us. I can say this because he hears us when it benefits him. When we call him for meals. When we tell him that we are going somewhere fun or doing something he wants to do. He only "doesn't hear" us when we ask him to do something (pick up your toys, bring down your dirty clothes etc).

It's also been asked where the pictures of the three boys together are. Long story short, they don't exist. Gavin is too volatile and unpredictable at the moment to have that kind of contact with Emmett. Never mind the fact that he is completely uninterested in Emmett. He doesn't ask about him. He doesn't look at him. He doesn't even react when Emmett cries. It's as if in Gavin's world, Emmett does not exist. For us to get pictures of that nature we would have to force Gavin to do something he is not comfortable with, which is just asking for trouble.

Overall, I'm starting to feel like I'm finding my footing as a stay-at-home mom again. I figure right about the time I have the home life down to a science again; I'll get to try and work in my duties as a President of the PTA at Gavin's school. lol It never stops does it?

Well Gavin is at Grandma W's and I thought I would take a few moments to do a quick family update.

Emmett is doing great. I'll leave it at that because Lizze will post more later. Elliott has really taken to Emmett and is VERY good with him. Elliott loves to hold Emmett (as seen in the pictures Lizze posted earlier)and showers him with kisses and "nice touches"(Elliott is supervised of course).

Gavin is a whole different story. Gavin is really not doing very well at all. Everything is a struggle with him. Gavin doesn't hold or have physical contact with Emmett. The reason for that is the MAJOR safety concerns for Emmett. Gavin is far to unpredictable to allow him to hold Emmett no matter how much we would like him to. Emmett's health and safety HAVE to come first. Also Gavin has no interest in his little brother so it seems to be working out because we don't have to tell him he's not allowed.

Gavin only held Elliott one time when he was a baby and that was because Gavin was in a slightly better place and much smaller at the time and hadn't done the things he's done since then. We are NOT willing to take any chances with Elliott or Emmett. We live with Gavin every day and we know how "Dangerous" he can be to be around. Dangerous is not an exaggeration either. We don't believe he would ever deliberately hurt anyone but when he rages he has no control over himself.

As Emmett's and Elliott's PARENT'S we have made the decision(along with and supported by his specialists) not to allow Gavin much, if any, physical contact with Emmett and Elliott as it's the only way to ensure everyone's safety... We have to put the well being and safety of Emmett and Elliott first and foremost. We don't like the idea but we do it because we know it's the only thing to do.

I know that it seems cruel and unusual but we have witnessed many things that everyone else hasn't. We know how painfully difficult it is to accept that Gavin will never be "Normal" but that is the reality whether we like it or not. No amount of treating him like a typical child is going to help him. In fact it will only serve to make things worse. We are forced to face this reality and fall out every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Emmett and Elliott are forced to deal with this also.

And while this may seem cruel to everyone, we do know what we are doing. We are desperately fighting to keep this family together and we have managed to do this so far despite ALL the cards being stacked against us but it's getting more and more difficult. The past 2 or 3 weeks alone we have lived from one meltdown to the next. Emmett was home for less then a week and one of meltdowns almost knocked him out of his swing and onto the floor. Gavin was freaking out over Lego's again and started trying to smash and throw things in the living room. We were trying to get him upstairs and he decided to take out his frustration on a balloon that had floated directly above Emmett while he was swinging in his swing. Gavin lunged at the balloon trying to smash it completely oblivious to Emmett. If we hadn't stopped him Emmett would have gotten hurt. That is the reality we live in. That is why we do things the way we do things.

What everyone doesn't seem to understand is once Gavin hurts someone (accident or not) the fight is over. We will have no choice but to send him to residential treatment even though it would kill us to do so. If we didn't then we would be failing Emmett and Elliott because we wouldn't be keeping them safe.

While we are lost and completely overwhelmed, there is a rhyme and reason for all that we do. The sooner we all come to grips with the reality of the situation the easier life will become for us and Gavin. Gavin is NOT a typical child and NEVER will be. He HAS to be treated in a different way. We don't have to like it but its what's best for Gavin and everyone else involved. We have been doing this longer then anyone else and we are privy to information and experiences that most people aren't.

Gavin requires special rules and a strict schedule. If we deviate from that his world begins to crash around him. When that happens he lashes out at everyone and everything around him (including himself). It can take us weeks to bring him back down and under contol. Even routine doesn't seem to help much anymore.

Emmett and Elliott end up paying the price for all of this, as they will learn to fear their big brother. Lizze and I are already forever changed by this situation. Our health, both physical and emotional has been going down the drain. We will not let this happen to the kids. We are trying to keep things as stable as possible so we can live together as a family but with every passing day we are realizing that all of us living together may be impossible. Nevertheless we are trying because we love Gavin deeply.

Okay, those of you who know me (or read this blog) know that I LOVE reality television. I've probably seen most reality shows. Usually I like what I see. Or I at least see some mildly entertaining, redeming quality *some where* in the show.

Have you guys seen the commercials for "Greatest American Dog"? This show is just painful to watch! The only redeming quality in the show are the dogs. (And I'm not even a dog person!) Although there is a 75 yr old great-grandfather with the dog that saved his wife's life. I just love him and I hope he wins.

But seriously? Are we so sad and out of ideas that we are reduced to watching people obsessed with their dogs compete against each other? (And when I say obsessed with their dogs, I mean *obsessed* with their dogs. Like making a different oufit for every day of the week. Or having a "bark" mitz va? I couldn't make this stuff up. lol)

This does not bode well for our Fall Season Premieres if the actors do strike. Imagine...another season of crap during another strike. Yippee.

In honor of Emmett's 2 week Birthday I want to jot down some new things I've noticed.

~ When Emmett is half-asleep and trying to wake up, he scrunches his forehead. It looks like he's trying to pull his eyelids up with his forehead. (I love this.)
~ So far Emmett has only peed on me and the couch. (I'm trying to not take it personally. lol)
~ When he sleeps, he strikes varying versions of "The Thinker" pose.
~ When he's nursing and I have to cover him up with a blanket, if I peek under the blanket I'll find him nursing and scowling at me.
~ He can't get his fist in his mouth when he wants but when he was having his billirubin blood draws done, his accuracy with his free foot was astounding!
~ He has a double cow-lick.
~ When he sneezes, it's always at least two sneezes in a row. (Just like his Aunt Kate. Could this be some crazy genetic thing?)

General Thoughts on Babies & Parenthood

~ Why is it when babies are asleep the poop flows right out. But when they are awake it takes work and screaming to work it out?
~ Why do babies smile in their sleep?
~ Elliott Richard seemed so small to me. Until Emmett John was born. Now he seems HUGE!

Welcome to the world, Emmett John!

Daddy and his boys (well, two out of three anyway)

Emmett John snuggling with Mommy

Emmett John asleep in his bassinet

The cuteness (and temper) that is Emmett John in the hospital.:) Not that I'm biased or anything. lol

Emmett John is 2 weeks old today! Yay!

He slept and nursed really well last night. (Thank God.) So I managed to get some sleep. (Yay!)

Then Emmett had his 2 week appointment with Dr. H at 10:30am this morning. Dr. H wanted to follow-up on Emmett's weight, jaundice, and eye infection. (I don't remember if I posted about his eye infection or not but it's nothing major. When he was born his tear ducts were clogged. Despite my attempts to keep his eyes/tear ducts clear, he developed an infection. Dr. H called in a prescription for an ointment to help clear it up.)

The jaundice is getting much better (no more bloodwork for now). Dr. H said that it can take preemies with jaundice up to a month for their livers to really get the hang of things. If he's still a little yellow in 2 weeks Dr. H will get another billirubin level and a complete liver panel just to make sure that we aren't missing something. He doesn't believe that there is anything we're missing. He just likes to be thorough, which I like.

His eye infection is almost gone and we've gotten the okay to stop the ointment after today. (Yay!)

As for Emmett's weight, they like to see infant/newbornsat least back to their birth weight at 2 weeks old. After being plateaued at 6lb 13oz since our discharge almost 2 weeks ago, we were kind of concerned. There was apparently no need to worry because he's turning into quite the Chunky Monkey!

The Stats
Weight: 7lb 5.5oz
(That's an 8.5oz gain in 5 days!! And 1.5oz heavier than his birth weight.)
Length: 21.25 inches
(He's grown 1.75 inches in 2 weeks!)
Head circ: 34.5 cm

***He's really not that off color. It's just easier to take and send pictures from my phone right now. And well, my camera on my phone STINKS!***

Basic

What is your favorite color(s)? Cerulean blue
"Shabby chic" vs. "straight, clean lines" - shabby chic
Where's your favorite vacation destination? Texas
Pick ONE: shoes, clothes, purses. Shoes
Describe yourself in three (3) words. Creative, independent, loyal

Music:

Favorite song of all time? Amazing Grace
What is one song you secretly really like that no one would believe you if you told them? My collection of religious songs
What would you consider the "theme song" of your life? Either "Bring On the Rain" Jo Dee Messina or "untitled" Simple Plan
If you could see any concert - what would it be? Rascal Flatts
Name the radio station most commonly playing in your car. What's the genre? 94.9 country

Holiday

What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving
What food item is your holiday not complete without? Sweet potatoes w/the big marshmallows
What's your favorite holiday memory? Going to my Granny's every Thanksgiving.
Is there a holiday tradition that you cherish? If so, what is it? I don't know.
Lights: colored or white? I prefer white.

Deep Thoughts

If you could get advice from any woman (dead or alive), who would it be? my mom
Name three (3) "simple pleasures" in your life. Writing, journaling, eating
What is your dream job - be honest! author
If you could play any character on TV or in the movies, which one would you pick? I have no clue
What car would you most like to be the "spokes model" for? Saturn. Haha (Hey, I really want a Relay!)

So Emmett John is now officially 12 days old. Soon to be 13 days old in one hour and 9 minutes.

His cord stump fell off today. *sob*

I've been waiting for this to happen because as my sleep deprivation comes and goes I keep catching it on clothes, diapers, my fingers etc. I didn't want it to happen because this is one tiny step (ha ha I made a funny.) closer to my last baby growing up. *sob*

It just dawned on me that his circumcision is healed. Now his belly button is healed, which means I can give him his first tubby. *sob*

I'm going to snuggle my Tiny Doodlebug now.

Honey,

Look, I know things are bad.
The irony is I feel the exact same way. If I hadn't blown out my back I would have been hired full time at the fire department and that would have afforded us better insurance and financial stability and more money means we can deal with these things better.
I know most or all of our troubles are Gavin related (and I am having one of those moments right now because he wants his Lego's back) and out of our control but I feel like I should be able to do more.
Please don't apologize for things you aren't responsible for.. Gavin is the way he is, we KNOW that isn't your fault and it certainly isn't his fault. (He just came down again asking for his Lego's and it's only been about 3 minutes since the last time)
We will figure this out some how. I don't know what we will do or how we will survive but as long as we stay together and keep talking we will make it. I honestly don't think this "tunnel" has an end but we can try to make the best of it. If not for ourselves then for Elliott and Emmett.

I want you to know that you have already given me the world twice and below is the proof.

But please keep talking to me. I know it's not easy but really does make a difference and you are better at it then you think.
Now when get up may try to take a short nap :)

I love you honey. Thanks to telling me how you feel....

Well, here we are. Day 11 post partum. Just when I think my hormones are starting to even out, they take another hairpin turn. I'm thrown into another crying jag over a crazy look from Emmett. Or the most recent episode of "Army Wives".

Last night (Saturday night) was my first truly sleepless night. I mean those first few hours were sleepless but that's because I was riding an adrenaline rush. Emmett woke up at 3:00am hungry and fussy. I nursed him but he was still pretty fussy so we went downstairs. By the time he fell asleep, I couldn't. Then when I could, he was making funny noises that terrify me. So I gave up.

Tonight has been...you guessed it...anther sleepless night. Elliott Richard woke up at like 1:30am and no matter how exhausted he was refused/fought sleep. Finally at around 4am Rob took him downstairs so Emmett John and I could sleep. Yeah. I look like I'm sleeping, huh?

Bright side? Emmett John is sleeping at this very moment.

Not so bright side? He and I are co-sleeping. Something Dr. H is dead set against. Something Rob was okay with until Dr. H stated that it's taking a risk and made his case against it.

Problem? Emmett hates the bassinet. (I know. I know. Why would he want to sleep there when he could sleep next to me.) and I need to sleep. Plus, with me, Rob, Elliott Richard, *and* Emmett John all in the same bed room...well, it's far more difficult. If it were just the three of us with Elliott Richard in his room, we could let Emmett fuss a bit. But that wakes up Elliott Richard and we end up with disasters like tonight.

Oy.

Oh and just to clarify my last post to Rob. Nothing has happened. We are as good as can be expected. I just wanted him to know how I feel and I suck at saying it out loud. So I write it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything. Everything that I brought into this. Everything that I've done to make matters worse. Just...everything.

I'm sorry that I can't be more. I'm sorry that I can't find a way out of this. I'm sorry we're stuck. I'm so sorry.

I wish I had the words to say. The answer. The magic key or golden ticket to make it all better. I don't.

I'm sorry.

You deserve so much more than this. More than this drama. More than the stress and heartache. You deserve the world. I only wish I had it to give to you.

I love you. And I'm sorry.

We have been really struggling and Emmett has only been home a week. Gavin is exhausting and Elliott Richard has hit the terrible 2's. We have our hands full and haven't had time to update. I am so stressed out that I don't feel much of anything anymore. I have developed nervous ticks and they are driving me crazy....Lizze and I have been trying to figure out how we are going to survive but can't seem to find the time to talk much about it. Part of me thinks we are really just avoioding the subject because neither one of us likes the topic..... But I am going to try to sleep. We will try to post more ofter because it is an outlet for us...

Good Night

We have picture and I will try to post them in the morning....

Emmett John and I have been home for one week. We're doing pretty well so far. Emmett John had another appointment with Dr. H this morning.

Dr. D had said I couldn't drive for "two weeks or pain-free", whichever came first. I'm pain-free so I got to drive. Yay! So I was actually able to take him all by myself, which was kinda scary. I'm not going to lie. I mean today was the first time I've been behind the wheel of a car in nearly 6 months! Rob had me run to the store for milk and doughnuts this morning so I could get used to driving again. I was great getting doughnuts. Driving Emmett John to Dr. H's office, I was nervous.

The office building where Dr. H is located has a bunch of different offices in it. Like internal med, allergist, a lab etc. The pediatricians' offices were the only offices open today. Plus one phlebotomist. It was spooky parking in the nearly empty parking lot and walking in the darkened building. Yes, I was just a bundle of nerves today. (lol)

So today was just a jaundice follow-up. The nurse weighed him. Then Dr. H came in. We chatted. He checked out Emmett. Emmett's bell-ring thing for his circumcision fell off yesterday so I asked if everything looked okay with that. He said it looked really good. He said that it appears that he hasn't gained any weight but he hasn't lost, however, there's no way to know what happened between Monday and today. He very easily could have lost weight and put it back on between then and now. He wasn't thrilled with Emmett's coloring though so he asked if I was opposed to having another blood draw done. (Like I was going to say no?!) I said while I hate to see him hurt, I obviously want what's best for him. So the phlebotomist came up and did the blood draw. (She was much faster and better than the chick from Thursday. Thank God.) So he wants to see him again on Thursday for a weight and color check.

The Stats
Weight: 6lb 13oz (same as Monday's appointment)
Bili Level: 11.2 (down from 11.6 on Thursday)

So far Emmett John and I seem to be rebounding pretty quick. :)

Happy belated 4th of July!

Yesterday was Emmett John's first 4th of July. We spent most of the day at home. After a rather bumpy start.

I was sitting on the couch sorting and folding laundry. Gavin was sitting on the steps (not as a punishment - it just happened to be where he was sitting). Emmett John was chilling in his swing.

Gavin and I were discussing his fit the other day and how when he flails and flops around (think screaming fish out of water) he's dangerous to himself and others. He denied it. I tried to explain that when things happen and he's *that* upset, he isn't hurting people on purpose. He's just completely out-of-control and things happen when he's like that. He denied it some more. Then he lost it (surprise surprise).

Up to that point, he had been playing with one of Emmett John's mylar balloons. When he lost it, he jumped up and tried to throw the balloon using the string, which is completely ineffective (the balloon just goes all of three inches - if you're lucky). That just served to tick him off more. Cue the flailing to begin. Unfortunately, his attempt to throw the balloon had brought him very close to Emmett John in the swing. When the flailing began he nearly took out the swing and Emmett. Not cool. And very unacceptable.

In that moment, my "momma bear" instincts kicked in. I jumped up to protect Emmett John and sent Gavin to throw his fit in his room all in one movement.

I don't believe that Gavin would ever intentionally hurt his brothers. At least that's what I would like to believe. I think if ayone was ever seriously hurt by Gavin it would be more of an "Of Mice and Men" type of moment. Gavin wouldn't realize his own strength and bad things would happen as a result.

I don't think he was going after Emmett John. I think it was more Emmett John was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not to absolve Gavin of his responsibility for the incident but I'm trying to put it into perspective.

After he calmed down things were pretty quiet. Granted he was only home until like 11:00am because that's when my Mom came and picked him up. But still at least we didn't have any "fall-out" fits during that time.

Gavin spent the day with my parents at the 4th of July picnic/family reunion on my Dad's side of the family. Mom said he had a few rough spots but overall he had a pretty good day. Then he got to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa W's house.

Rob, Elliott Richard, Emmett John and I hung out at home until Papa G came and picked up Elliott Richard and took him to their house. Then Rob and I got ready. Packed up Emmett John and headed over to Grandma and Papa G's house for a cook-out.

Everyone had a good time. Even Emmett John who slept through the whole day; which is a feat in and of itself with 3 barking dogs, 2 teenagers, 7 adults, 1 toddler and a Wii. (lol)

Overall, it was a pretty good day.

Yesterday marked Emmett John's One Week Birthday.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Emmett John and I started it off by riding with Grandma G to Dr. H's office (Emmett John & Elliott Richard's pediatrician) for his follow-up bilirubin blood work.

(On Monday, his levels were down to 15 from 15.4. On Tuesday, his levels had dropped below 13 (we don't know the exact number) and we were given permission to stop using the Wallaby blanket at 12noon on Wednesday and told to have a repeat draw done by 12noon on Thursday to make sure his levels weren't rebounding.)

The lab was packed. Then the first phlebotomist screwed up. She almost had enough blood (It's insane how much they need!) and then she spilt half of it on the table! I was ticked off! She took what she was able to get to see if it was enough. Trying to avoid having to repeat it. No such luck.

Her boss came in to redo it. When she saw the table she said that she could see it was clear that she had "lost too much of the sample". So another heel stick. More sobbing (both me and Emmett John). Luckily, she was able to get it pretty quick.

On the bright side, Dr. H's office called a few hours later with the fantastic news that his levels had continued to drop! They were now around 11! No rebound. No more Wallaby blanket! :)

Other than that, the one week milestone was pretty quiet.

He tried his swing out for the first time. And absolutely loves it! He continues to get better and better at nursing. The horrible diaper rash he developed when he began to get over the jaundice (and began pooping every 20 minutes) has finally started to get better.

I've been noticing more little things that I love about Emmett John. I love how his hair at the nape of his neck feels softer than the hair on top of his head. I love how when he tries to focus his eyes, his eyebrows knit together. I love how when we snuggle, he reaches out with each hand and grasps fist-fulls of my shirt like a little spider monkey. I love how he can't get his fist to his mouth but when the phlebotomist had a hold of his heel/foot, he was able to kick her with surprising accuracy. (lol) And I love how as a mother I really do seem too have no boundaries on my love and everyday I love him a little bit more than the day before without loving anyone else any less.

I'm still completely amazed that my body created this tiny, perfect person.

Happy One Week Birthday, Emmett John!

I just wanted all of my friends (real-life and blogger alike) to know that while I cannot comment on your blogs/posts from my phone. I am reading. I have a nifty little program Rob found called Viigo that allows me to keep up with your blogs but not comment. I haven't stopped reading. ;)

I just read Lizze's post and think I should clarify what she meant and build on it. I believe what she meant was that even our parents are beginning to feel the overwhelming exhaustion that is Gavin anymore.

We realize that this is our responsiblility. It wasn't until recently that we even let people in enough to see just how bad things are because we believe so strongly that this is our responsibility and we knew just how overwhelming/unbelievable it was to hear about. What's frustrating for me and I am sure Lizze also is that the only one's willing to help are the one's that don't have to (ie my family and Lizze's parents) and the one's that are obligated to take responsibility don't and actually try to make things worse for us and Gavin out of spite (ie Gavin's "father").

More recently we are feeling like it is unfair of us to "share" this "burden" (we love Gavin but burden is pretty accurate) on anyone else. I believe that is what she meant because we were discussing this last night. Please know we are extremely grateful for all the help we get, it's just getting harder to accept because we know what we are asking of people when they take him for even a little while. The guilt we feel for having to send him is immeasurable. We are wrestling with some VERY difficult decisions right now. We are just cannot win no matter what we do. Someone will always pay a price. Right now we have to ensure that it isn't Elliott and Emmett.

As I am writing this I had Gavin come down and ask for his Lego's back. They were taken away a day or two ago because of a massive melt down. He was trying to kick Lizze (he denies that's what he was doing but I just think he was so angry he doesn't remember) all because a few pieces of his Lego ship fell off. When I got home and checked on him he had completely destroyed his Lego's and cut the palms of his hands smashing his Lego's as hard as he could.

Anyways he came down a minute ago and asked for them again. I told him no and reminded him that the more he asks the longer he will wait. He then made some smart remark to me and I responded by reminding him why his Lego's were gone and he should consider himself lucky that he has a chance to get them back at all. Of course that didn't go over well and he completely lost it and I sent him to his room but on his way Elliott comes up to him and tries to tell Gavin "don't worry, it's okay, don't be sad" then attempts to give Gavin a kiss to make it better and Gavin screamed at him. Then Gavin went upstairs to finish his meltdown. He apparently heard Elliott say his name from the living room so Gavin started screaming at Elliott to leave him alone. This is happening more and more often.

We need help and no one knows what to do. He has the best doctors but everyone is at a loss. Don't get me wrong, we love his doctors and are very grateful for all they continue to do for him but they are supposed to know what to do and they don't. So we are left to our own devices. We are told we are doing everything right but it doesn't feel like it because nothing is getting better.

Oddly enough the only comfort we get is that everyone else is seeing the same things we are. I know it sounds crazy but it was comforting when Lizze's mom had to bring him home because he was so out of control. I say this because it shows me that it isn't just us. Which then means maybe this isn't our fault after all.
So I ask anyone who helps us with Gavin to always be honest with us about what went on. We need to know this stuff for many reasons but right now the comfort of knowing it isn't just us.....

Apparently everyone is worried about me having baby blues and/or post-partum depression. While I appreciate the concern, until yesterday I was doing really well. At least mentally and emotionally, physically I look like crap and still feel *really* sore. My body is currently declaring mutiny against me for having put it through that Hell again. (lol) My mom tells me this normal and in a few days I should begin to physically rebound. We'll see. ;) As for emotionally and mentally, I'll be fine. Really. Baby blues are perfectly normal and they don't qualify as post-partum depression until I've had them for 2-3 weeks. So let's just give me a chance to recover first before we start worrying about what might happen.

Yesterday was an...interesting if not completely hellish day. It started off innocently enough. Although I am quickly learning how difficult it is going to be taking care of the boys needs while caring for Emmett John and protecting him and Elliott Richard from Gavin.

Emmett John needed to be taken to the pediatrician's office for another heel stick. Rob was too exhausted to drive so we tried to find someone to take Emmett John and I. No luck. In the end Rob had to take him because it had to be done. He didn't like it. I didn't like it. But what other options did we have?

They left. I sobbed. Elliott Richard told me, "Don't worry. It'll be okay." Then I washed Emmett John's clothes, which we are flying through because we only have so many newborn sized outfits. (Even the newborn size is too big. But 0-3 months is insane.) I even managed to get Emmett John's binkies boiled. While that's not a lot at least it's something.

Shortly after I completed my two whole chores Gavin threw a fit of colossal proportions. It started with screaming that I thought meant he was severely injured. Nope. He was angry. I was now injured from running up the stairs two-at-a-time (apparently a no-no at 5 days post-partum). There was screaming, kicking, flailing, wall-bouncing. Fun was had by all.

Rob and Emmett John got home about half way through the fit. They found me sobbing in the "man cave". I took Emmett John. Rob went to try and get through to Gavin. He came down like a half-hour later. I was no longer sobbing but still crying. (I cried off and on for the rest of the day.) At that point Rob called and made arrangements for Grandma W to watch Gavin and Grandma G to watch Elliott Richard while Rob, Emmett John and I met with Pattie.

We met with her. I cried some more. I spilled my guts on all things Gavin. She said that she's never seen parents do more for a child. That we have jumped through every hoop and something should have worked by now. Nothing has. No one knows what we can or should do. Before we left, my mom called saying Gavin would spend the night and she would drop him off on the way to work in the morning.

After the appointment, Emmett John was *starving* so we stopped by Grandma and Grandpa G's so I could nurse. While we were there my mom called. She needed to bring Gavin home because he kept having massive meltdowns over not being allowed on the internet. They couldn't get him to stop. For the time being, we've lost our biggest source of help with him. I'm not angry or upset with my parents. They gave their all. Unfortunately, "their all" isn't enough from anyone for Gavin.

So that was my Tuesday.

I'm so stressed. I'm grateful for everything God has granted us lately. (Emmett John's complication free labor & delivery. His health and avoidance of the NICU. Etc) At the same time, there's so much more we need help with. I feel guilty asking God for more. As if to ask for more would be selfish and greedy.

(I remember what I wanted to blog about.) These are thoughts I want to be sure to get down for Emmett John and whomever else would care to read them.

Since 12:30am Thursday, June 26, 2008 I have learned...
* that Emmett John's arms fall to his sides when he is awake and pooping or passing gas. Then he pulls up his legs and does his business. When he's finished he gets this look on his face that says, "Holy hey! Did you *hear* that?!"
* that while I love my sleep, I love sitting up with Emmett John more.
* even after two sons, which amounts to more shots and fingersticks than I can count or remember, I still sob everytime Emmett John has his bili-level heel sticks.
* that my favorite time of day with Emmett John are his 3 and 6am feedings because I have him all to myself.
* after changing diapers for nearly 6 years, I'm still clumsy, uncoordinated, and slow-as-molasses when it comes to changing Emmett's diaper. (which has gotten me peed on quite a few times already - lol)
* I had Gavin and became convinced that I could not love anyone as I love him. I was wrong. Then I had Elliott Richard and became convinced I culd love anyone as I love them. Then I had Emmett John and I learned that everything I've ever "known" about love was wrong.
* no sunrise is as beautiful as the two I watched at the window of my hospital room with Emmett John.
* everything I've learened to this point as a mother, will only serve to further educate me and remind me of how little I actually know.

It's currently 11:33pm. Rob is snuggling with Emmett John. Elliott Richard is asleep in bed. Gavin is also asleep, finally. I have no idea how long I have before Emmett John decides he's starving. (lol) Ah, the joys of exclusively breastfeeding. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to attempt to keep this update short and sweet, since I don't know how long I have to write/post it.

Emmett John saw Dr. H, his pediatrician, for the first time today. He's been on the walaby blanket for about 18 hours, give or take. At his appointment this afternoon his bili level was 15, which is down a whole whopping .4 from Sunday. *sigh* Rob and I were really hoping for a greater improvement than .4 but honestly, we'll take whatever improvement we can get at this point. He goes back tomorrow for another bili level, which while necessary I hate it. Poor baby is running out of real estate on his heels!!!!

Other than that he's absolutely perfect. Since we've started the walaby blanket his nursing is back up to snuff. For a while there, he was nursing but not very effectively and that's painful for mommy!!! Now he's back and nursing like a champ. (Thank God for small favors!)


I'm sorry if I worried any of you with my "I'm only human" blog from a few days ago. I just needed to vent. Rob says it was all about him but in all honesty it wasn't. It was about him and about a zillion other things/people. I'm just dealing with raging hormones and a little bit of baby blues. I'm keeping a close eye on it. So is Rob. But I thank you all for your support and love. It helps, truly it does.

My cousin Sam came over and visited with me today. Which is to say that she came over to see Emmett John and was kind enough to listen to me ramble for like an hour. (Thanks Sam!)

There was so much I wanted to put in this post but my "Mommy Timer" is telling me that Emmett John is going to be calling for me in a few. (Nursing mommies will understand that comment. lol) So it will all have to wait. Not that I remember what most of it was...but that's beside the point.

Emmett has run into some problems and is becoming very jaundice. We have to wrap him up in a UV blanket 24 hrs a day. He is getting blood drawls everyday and is being very closly monitored at home. Other then that he is VERY small but in really good shape. Lizze is struggling a little bit right now but said she is going to post some time today. We have pictures of Emmett glowing blue. We will keep you posted....

I am only human.

I bleed just like everyone else. I hurt. I get completely over-whelmed. I'm 2 days post-partum with everything that comes with that...raging hormones, pain, sore breasts, raging hormones, crying, sobbing...did I mention raging hormones?

I realized something today. Everyone always tells me how strong and resilient I am. How I'm a "statistical anomaly". It dawned on me today that while people may say that out of one side of their mouths...they are dumping their issues on me out the other side. It feels like they really say it because it makes them feel better about dumping their issues on me. If they see me as this strong, wonderful, rock of a woman or even if they just *say* that's what they see...they don't feel the guilt. I get these lovely back-handed compliments and they get to unload.

Maybe it's my fault. I should just start unloading. I should bare the deepest pieces of my soul to stop them from dumping theirs on me?

No one knows how terrified I am. How when I move while holding Emmett I have flashes of him tumbling from my arms. How I laid in bed and shook after his birth because I couldn't bear the thought of him going to the NICU. No one knows how he has quirky preemie things he does that terrify me. So I have sat in bed for three days and held him and watched him. When I would put him in the bassinet and he would make funny/new baby noises, I sat bolt upright and watched his every move. I have had maybe 10 hours of sleep total since Wednesday night. I have had conversations that I'll never remember. I've been "on" for everyone. I've shouldered everything and just kept on going.

Lucky me.

Elliott met Emmett for the very first time today. This is a small clip of how it went. Nothing was done to the video because I am to tired and I have both Elliott and Gavin at home now. I just wanted to show how it went. Gavin does not appear on tape. This is for a couple reasons...

1) Gavin doesn't always like being taped.
2) With all the legal "Crap" we are very careful with Gavin.
Once this is all over with (hopefully very soon) then we can just do what we want. But until then we have to be careful what we do. If you are new here and wondering what I am referring to skim through some of the older posts and you'll understand.. Those of you that know us know what we are referring to... Gavin was completely indifferent to Emmett today when they met for the first time. We kinda expected as much. But we know Gavin loves Emmett in his own way and that's good enough for us.

Until later.... Thanks You

Emmett John was born at exactly 12:30am this morning after about 10 hours of "Official" labor. Lizze pushed 12 times. Emmett was born and given right to the NICU staff for once over.. I am so pleased to announce that he is perfect. No problems at all. We were terrified as the time grew closer because of what happened with Elliott Richard.

Lizze did an amazing job and I am so grateful for all her hard work and personal sacrifice in order to bring him into this world. She is absolutely amazing and I am so proud of her. The hospital staff are second to none. I will post more later.

Thank you for yours thoughts and prayers though out this process. While we will still need your continued prayers because of the turmoil our lives are in we made it over a huge hurdle. Thank you so much for thoughts and prayers....

Love,

Rob

Well, doctor just checked me again. I'm now 5-6cm dilated. 90% effaced. Still -2 station. She placed an internal monitor........

Having baby now

Just got checked again. I'm a whopping 5cm and 80% effaced. -2 station. We want 10cm 100% and +2 station. I'm having some major itching as a natural side effect of the epidural. They've increased my pit quite a few times and my epidural once. I predicted he would be here between 9 and 12. I was wrong.

I'm off to try and sleep for a bit.

No NICU.
No NICU.
No NICU.

Doctor (not Dr. D) just came in and checked me. I'm still dilated 4cm but now I'm 80% effaced. So we are making some progress. She said she isn't worried b/c this is my pattern...stall then jump to 10cm. Other than that, nothing much has changed. Tiny is tolerating labor really well. And the general concensus is that he should be fine and we should be able to avoid the NICU.

That's my prayer request: no NICU.

I'll update or have Rob update as needed. Although *the* update make take a while. ;) lol

Epidural in.
Dilated to 4cm.
Water completely broken now.
That's about it for now.

Stupid phone cut me off in mid-email when I was still typing. Oh well, I'll fix it later.

Long story short:

My water is leaking. (it took 2 tests and an ultrasound to confirm this.)
I've been admitted.
Pitcin was started @ 230pm.
Last time I was checked (2.5 hrs ago) I was dilated to 3cm and effacing more.
I am exactly 36 wks today.

We will probably post more later on. Pray he doesn't need the NICU. Please God, don't let him need the NICU.

I'm currently admitted to the hospital! Yes, you read that correctly...I am in the hospital! :)

I was having some nasty contractions last night and this morning. Late last night I was feeling like my water may have broken but I literally didn't have *any* evidence of it breaking so I blew it off. I woke up this morning after a crappy night's sleep with some horrible cramping. I was having some contractions about 5 mins apart that were making me...let's say uncomfortable. (I'm sure Rob will feel free to correct me later. Lol) At one point Rob backed into the "man cave" to get away. Lol

We came in anyway just in case my water was leaking. Turns out that I was rig

Seriously. We do.

I don't think I'll share until he's born though.

Ha. Ha. (Remember you love me! *muah*)

What Tiny is up to this week: The countdown continues… and in fetal developments: most of the bones (soft skull aside) in their little body are now completely hardened, providing a solid structure from which they can now make their grand debut into the world. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are structurally ready for a secure launch. In physical fitness news: their muscle tone has also improved over these past few weeks, and you’ll definitely be impressed by their steel-like Ulnar grasp (a newborn reflex that occurs if you lay your finger in their palm). And in genital development: if you’re having a girl, her labia are now fully developed. Finally, in the fluids/excretion department: the amniotic fluid-to-baby ratio has fallen over these past weeks, although they’re still swallowing fluid (building up even more meconium for that historic first poop), and some vernix caseosa. They will be more than ready to swallow and digest milk after birth. Just in case you didn’t get it quite yet: you’ve got yourself an adorable and hungry 6.5 lbs 20 inch baby—are you ready?

Now this is all assuming of course that Tiny sticks around for another 7 days. Personally, I highly doubt we'll make it to 37 weeks. And at this point, I question if we'll make it to the end of the week.

I've been having contractions 8 minutes apart all day. My mom came and picked up Gavin for a slumber party. Elliott Richard is having his first slumber party sans grandparents over at Uncle Jon and Aunt Teri's. (I'm not sure who was more excited - Elliott Richard or Aunt Teri when she picked him up.) I was having contractions 3 minutes apart for a few hours but they have moved back to 8 minutes apart. I am having some serious pressure though, which is new. I haven't had pressure like this yet. At times, the pressure is actually more painful than the contraction itself. My nurse yesterday/last night (the one who fought for my admittance) said if "anything changes, anything at all come back". I think the amount of pressure I'm having definitely qualifies as "anything changing". So if that keeps up (it's only gotten worse as the day goes on) I will probably go back in. And then I will probably be sent home, again. *sigh*

Dr. D was kind enough to call in a script for the Zofran. (Thank God!) My insurance will pay for 10 pills. We aren't sure if this is 10 pills at a time. Three days worth at a time (since it's prescribed 3 times a day). Or if it's 10 pills a month. I'm currently trying to figure this out. Anyway, they are dissolving tablets. Which is nice. However, in their attempt to make them not taste like asprin they made they berry flavored. Which is absolutely disgusting when you are already incredibly nauseous.

Okay, so one more quick post before I try and nap. (Ha! Yeah right!) Anyway, it occurred to me last night that for 4 months everyone has been praying for us. For Tiny to stay put. To this I politely and lovingly scream...

REVERSE YOUR ENGINES!!!!!!

No more praying for him to stay put!

Please!

I beg of you!

Pray for him to COME OUT!

Out I say!

Yeah so it's Tuesday and I'm just giving the weekend update. Sue me. (Seriously, go ahead. All the "cool kids" are doing it these days. lol)

Thursday ~ L&D visit. I think I posted from my cell phone in my room.

Friday ~ L&D visit #2. Again I think I posted from my cell phone in my room. (Feel free to correct me on this and I'll fix this part of the update.)

Saturday ~ Stayed home. Absolutely miserable. On again, off again contractions with cramps.

Sunday ~ Home again. Still miserable. Still having on again, off again contractions. Tiny was moving like mad. Whoever said they slowly down on the movements when they run out of room, didn't know my son. Ate Wendy's spicy chicken for dinner. (That's the first thing I'd had to eat since Saturday at dinner.)

Monday ~ Home in the morning. Phenergan not working. Unable to keep down food or water. Probably dehydrated. Forcing down water. Trying to hold it down, failing more often than not. Went in to L&D at 1:00pm. Declared in "latent early labor", which is a fancy term for "stuck at 2cm during early labor". Once I get over this 2cm hump I may just fly. It's just a matter of getting to that point. We were in L&D for 6-7 hours. My nurse was able to see a few of my "10" contractions that for whatever reason weren't showing up on the monitor. So she was fighting to have me admitted but since I'm not changing the doctors weren't going for it. They gave me Zofran for the nausea et al. (I'm currently waiting to hear from Dr. D's office on whether they are willing to call in a script so I can keep hydrated blah blah blah.) Then they released me.

Now we wait. Well we wait. I try and stay sane. I woke up with horrible cramps - I think I only slept through them because the Ambien didn't leave me much of a choice. I was feeling pretty good this morning and made the mistake of eating a doughnut and drinking some water. The contractions have decided they don't appreciate the doughnut being in my stomach and are trying to evict it.

Lisa came at 8:00am and gave me my last 17P injection. She assured me that it will not stop what has already started. (Woo who!) I will miss her weekly visits. I will NOT miss the injections. (lol)

Rob is "nesting". I am exhausted. I think I'll let him nest and go try and nap.

Here's the current list of first names. Don't ask me for middle names because we just aren't there yet. I have included origin and meaning in case you are interested.

Elijah - (Hebrew) Lord is my God

Caden - (American) Fighter (also spelled: Kaden, Kayden, Kaeden)

Lucas - (Greek) from Lucania

***This is a vent. An unleashing of the flood gates. Maybe in releasing the floodgates I will finally *fully* go into labor.***

I appear to have lost my God. I've been praying, mentally calling, desperately seeking and the line appears to be dead. I think I've got a wrong number. Or he's got caller ID and is avoiding my calls.

I begged last week, "Please God, let's end this. Whatever it takes, let's get Tiny here and be done." At that point, my labor came to a screeching halt. Since then it's been stuck in a puttering car-dying while you are driving it kind of mode.

I'm having just enough contractions to physically, mentally and psychologically exhaust me. I've been walking around all weekend with that full-body tensed-up feeling that you get either just after running that 2K you really didn't prepare for or like Rob says "when you feel like you're going to puke but you never do". My mom says
, "maybe that feeling is impending labor".

I've eaten once in two or three days because the nausea is horrible - even with the phenergan. I've lost my mucous plug, which could either mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. I've had pink tinged mucous since then, which again could mean everything or absolutely nothing at all. (Sorry that's probably *way* too much info.)

I can't sleep, even *with* Ambien. I toss and turn, while I try and get away from the "feeling" (see 2 paragraphs up). I'm sure I kept Rob up all night.

I am a grumpy and generally horrible person to be around. Rob keeps begging me to go back to sleep. I don't even want to be in my own skin at this point.

I begged God four days ago, "Please!? Can't we end this?" I get that God doesn't always answer our prayers in the manner we would like. Really, I get it. But at the same time, I never really had him pegged as a sick and twisted kinda guy.

If Tiny isn't coming, FINE! But enough with the torture already.

I hereby wave the white flag in surrender.

I'm not sure when but I doubt it's going to be long before Tiny makes his grand enterance into the world. If you haven't already, you'll want to be sure to enter your guess into the poll we've got going!

I feel like I've been complaining, a lot; however, I am being honest. Something I hope my friends and family have come to expect from me...honesty. It's so rarely seen anymore. Many don't know it when it stares them right in the face. Other's don't care to know it at all because lying is easier.

Me? I prefer the truth. I will lie on certain things. Christmas. Birthdays. Other holidays/events where gifts or surprises are involved. But in all things big and major, I tell the truth.

I like to think that's why some of you read the blog at all. Because of the honesty you'll find here. Because it's not post after post of how rosie things might be or could be or we would like them to be. We show you the honest truth. The nitty gritty of our lives, within reason. (Let's face it, something things just aren't meant for sharing. ;) lol)

Rob and I spent the better part of 7-8 hours in L&D last night. When we arrived my contractions were 10 minutes apart. Then they were 7 minutes apart. Then 5 minutes. In the end, just before I was sent home, they were 3 minutes apart and kicking my butt.

Long story short, I was "violated" 6 ways from Sunday. Had one incredibly painful IV placed about 30 minutes before my release. And monitored for 7-8 hours. In the end, I had dilated to about 2 cm (an increase from the 1 cm/40% effaced I've been for 3-4 weeks) but that wasn't enough. I needed to dilate more and faster for it to be "true labor". They sent me home.

Elliott Richard was "spending the night" at Grandma and Grandpa G's. I used that term loosely because apparently very little sleep was had.

Gavin spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa W's. Although from what I hear, sleep was hard to come by there as well.

We got home at 2-ish am. I took a Darvocet and an Ambien to help me sleep. They finally kicked in (ie won out over the contractions) at around 4-4:30am. I slept for about 4 hours total last night. My uterus contacted away. Like the "Little Engine that Could" only without the accomplishment in the end.

We woke up. I took my morning meds. Made a quick trip to Wally World for envelopes for my cards. Came home. Laid down for a while. (Contracting 7-10 minutes apart all the while.) Grandma G and Aunt Jenny brought Elliott Richard home. Hung out with my Twitter Bug until the contractions became so bad that I was clinging to the couch for support and sobbing. Grandma G and Aunt Jenny came back. Elliott Richard was gone again.

Off to L&D we went again. So sure that "this was it". So sure we would be seeing our Tiny soon. I contracted 3-5 minutes apart all the way to the hospital. I contracted during the entire trip from the ER to L&D. I contracted and I cried.

They wheeled me into L&D. My favorite nurse, Shawn, was on shift. She saw me. Then she saw the tears and lack of smile, which I usually always wear when I see her. (She is a truly special nurse in my book.) She caught on that we meant business and it might actually be it. It took a few moments to get my ID bands on because I was doubled over in pain. I finally flung my right arm out to the side so they could band me - pain or not. They debated moving my wheelchair because of the pain. I think I half mumbled, half grunted "it won't matter". So they moved me. As if I were either made of glass or going to shred their heads from their shoulders...I'm not sure which.

I climbed into bed with a lot of help from Rob. He helped me get dressed. Something that never happens due to my fierce independence streak. I think I laid my head on his chest and sobbed for a moment. I got into bed. Shawn came in. Hooked up the monitors. And as if she had flipped a switch (a very cruel and vindictive switch) it all stopped. My contractions disappeared. The few I had weren't showing up on the monitor but were obvious upon viewing and feeling my belly. It all just came to a screeching halt.

I cried.

They checked me, again. I'm still dilated to 2cm. No change. These contractions that were bringing me to my knees sobbing in pain weren't enough to get the job done.

I cried.

Shawn came back in. She zapped Tiny with a vibrator/buzzer thingie because he was asleep and they needed to see his heart rate with some increases and decells before they could release me. She placed it on my belly and *buzzt*. Tiny literally jumped from his spot head down with his back in the center of my belly to the left side of my belly. As far away from the violating "buzzt" as he could get. All in one moment, Shawn "buzzt" Tiny. Tiny jumped. And my entire uterus seized up in a massive contraction.

They were all happy with the outcome. We were discharged. The nurse who discharged me (not my beloved Shawn) said that the "seasoned nurses" swear by spicy food and sex. I've been eating spicy food. The other is a no-no while on strict bed rest, which Dr. D is adamant I continue until Tiny arrives or 37 weeks - whichever comes first.

We came home again.

Gavin is still with Grandma and Grandpa W.

Elliott was with Grandma and Grandpa G until about 2 hours ago. They were nice enough to bring him home along with Taco Bell for me (spicy food on a budget) and a sundae for Rob. Elliott fell asleep in the car. Rob carried him to bed.

I feel like a horrible mother.

I didn't get to say "amens" (aka prayers) with Elliott Richard last night or tonight. I love to say "amens" with him. I didn't get to tuck Gavin in or remind him that he needed to sleep and turn the TV off at 10pm last night or tonight.

When Tiny comes, if Heaven forbid he is in the NICU, I know I will camp out at the hospital. I will not leave. I will sleep in whichever room they see fit to give me. I will drag myself from bed every 3 hours to help feed him. I will pump enough milk to put most dairy cows to shame. I will ask questions. I will beg for chances to change diapers and watch baths. I will stalk my son, his nurses, his doctors and anyone else who may possibly have information on his progress and prognosis. My life Gavin and Elliott Richard, will be placed on hold. I will miss them. I will love them (no less or no more than Tiny). But I will be where I am needed most. And so the good of the two will stumble while I focus on the good of the one.

There is no doubt in my mind that Rob will at some point attempt to lure me home. Attempt to lure me back to normalcy. I can't fathom that. I can't fathom a sense of "normalcy" with one child fighting for life while the other two live. I can't make that work out in my head.

In the end of July, I will be summoned to court. To defend myself against charges that have no basis within the scope of the real world. I will be drug my newborn child. Ripped away from him. I will likely be his only source for food. And yet, I will go. I will go because in the end of July, just as those few days from now, I will fight for the good of the one. While the good of the two must suffer. I will be angry. I will be hormonal. It's likely that I will be blunt, which may or may not work to my favor. However, the fact will remain that for that day Gavin will be the good of the one. Elliott Richard and Tiny will be the good of the two placed on temp hold.

Until then, I am trying to find a way to survive. The contractions on a 10 on the lovely pain scale (that we all know I love so much) of 1-10. (1 being no pain at all and 10 being "a shark could be ripping my limbs off and I would not notice") I'm so tired that Ambien on an empty stomach still takes 3 hours to kick-in over the pain. I'm so frustrated with my body and it's sudden unwillingness to follow through. When I've been fighting it for 4 months to NOT follow through. I'm so frustrated that I struggle to see and feel the miracle that is every movement of Tiny within my belly. And this makes me feel horrible beyond words.

How many women would die to be me at this very moment? How many would love nothing more and yet will not be granted such a miracle? What right do I have to complain and be irritated with the miracle that is our unborn son, when I myself was told 3 years that he was a complete and total impossibility.

For all of these things, and many other things that simply were unable to penetrate my sleep-hazy mind, I will not be awarded "Mother of the Year". I am sorry to disappoint. I am a mother. I am a human. I am not Super Mom. At least, I'm honest about it. That counts for something, right?

We're home. I have a throbbing migraine. I'm physically exhausted. My contractions are painful and my nurse told me not to second guess myself, that I know my body better than anyone. I've eaten some waffles. Took my meds for the migraine and ambien to sleep through the contractions. Now i just wait for it all to kick in.

So until later today, good night.

It's now 11:38pm. I'm beyond caring about grammar and spelling etc so ignore the typos.

Here's the run down:

BP: 112/72 (which is kinda high for me)
Tiny's Heartbeat: 131 bpm
Pulse: 101 bpm
Weight: 181 lb (from Dr. D's office)
Fundal height: 36 cm (from Dr. D's office)
Cx: 3 minutes apart
Dilated: 2 cm

Intern/resident guy just came back in and checked me again. I'm still only dilated to 2 cm, which means I'm not in "true labor" (bull****!) and they are sending me home.

I'm not sure, but I may kill someone. If I commit a crime while in labor (true or not) does that automatically qualify me as "temp insane"?

Thank God they started my ultra painful IV and humilated me 6 ways from Sunday just to send me home!

Argh!

35 weeks appears to be the limit. Contractions are 10 minutes apart. Have been that way all day. Some feel closer than 10 minutes to me. I feel like I'm leaking but at this point who knows. They will not help me along unless my water breaks. Something had better freaking happen because these are exhausting. I'm going in. If they send me home, fine. But I don't know that they will.

If you pray, do it now! We don't have a name. I'm shaking. I'm exhausted. I'm so not ready.

PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

What Tiny's up to this week: Congratulations! You’re now carrying nearly 6 lbs of baby not counting their amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord, or the placenta itself. We’re impressed because that’s a LOT of work non-stop. Are you feeling proud of yourself yet? Well, get to it—you’ve done an amazing job! At this point, your little grower is almost busting out of the womb size-wise, which make their restricted attempts to move much more challenging. Of course, your stubborn little sucker is still trying to move around as if they weren’t in a cramped space. And the accumulationg baby fat deposits are starting to level off so your little butter ball will be padded and warm when they head out of their super snug little home.

So if I was carrying "nearly 6lbs of baby" last week what does that mean for this week?

Some of you may remember I gave up my prized xbox 360 Elite (which was my only outlet) in order to replace our video camera. It was really the only thing I had left I hadn't sold off. I hung on to it as long as I could but I decided I would rather have the ability to record and document our lives (which I love to do) then play video games.
Well I used my fathers day gift (Best Buy gift card) to get Call of Duty 4 for my PC (which is actually pretty high because of my video editing and computer repair work I do for people out of my home office).

I had mistakenly assumed that I could use my wireless 360 controller for this game (like you can with most new games). Turns out you can't and that really sucked. I have never been able to use a mouse and keyboard to play a game like this. I used to play my xbox Live friends in Call of Duty 4 for the 360 all the time after the kids went down at night.

After a day or 2 of really being mad at myself for not checking the controller info out before getting something I cannot return, I decided to try the mouse and keyboard because I LOVE this game. Not that anyone cares but I am actually getting pretty good at it now. Once I beat the single player game I may try online.

This is the only good news I have to post. It's stupid but it's all I got at this point. It's the little things.......

Sha'Nay'Nay is my alter ego. She's the name I go by when I've had enough of my life and I want to be someone else for a while. That's the name I answer to when I can't stand the sound of Mom, Mommy, Mama, Lizze etc. Although no one calls me that anyway so I honestly don't know why I bother.

I've been trying to formulate a blog in my head all day. Nothing sounds good. Nothing does justice to life. And I don't want to sound like "Wendy Whiner" as my Daddy used to call me. Mostly, I just don't really know where to start.

My stomach is killing me. I can say with complete sincerity that I have rarely had pain like this in my life. And I've injured myself quite a bit between 8 years of gymnastics and being a typical hyperactive kid growing up. At least with all of my various injuries, the pain peaked and then began to subside at some point. There is no peak. There is no subsiding. It's just a plateau of intense pain at this point. My stomach/diaphragm muscle is so exhausted from the pain of it all that I can physically feel tremors in it.

You know, rarely in my life have I ever been speechless. I just love to talk. I usually have an opinion on just about everything. But now...I've got nothing. That's how overwhelmed and far gone I am at this point with everything. Rob met with Pattie tonight. He's told me what was discussed. I don't remember it. I'm sure he'll tell you what he can later.

I was a complete slacker today. I didn't make any cards. I didn't update Tiny's pregnancy journals and calendars. I played solitaire on my phone. Watched a lot of pointless television. Napped off and on. And now I'm going to take half of my night-time medications and then I'll take the other half later. Who knows, perhaps I'll have something insightful to babble about once they kick in. Seems to be how it works out every other night. *sigh*

My nightime medications are slowly starting to kick in, which means I'm becoming "chatty cathy". (lol) I debated between discussing the neighborhood drama of late and discussing what my current favorite shows are. I'm going with neighborhood drama for $200. (haha)

Let's see...where to start. We have an issue in our neighborhood with the teenie-bopper boys who like to imagine they tough guys. The one kid's mother seems to almost be afraid of her son. Her daughter seems to believe her younger brother is a "good kid who don't cause no trouble". Apparently she missed him getting hunted down by the cops for fire starting the other day. I'm sure the cops must have misunderstood him. (sarcasm)

Well, lately the teenie-boppers have acquired a basketball hoop (the details of the acquition are shady and hazy and still remain unclear) and begun playing basketball in the street. Now while this isn't necessarily an issue, it becomes an issue because Team Teenie-Bopper doesn't like to play by the same street rules we all followed growing up. *We* had fear of the massive vehicles plowing down the street. *We* respected the fact that they could (and just might) flatten us into asphault pancakes. Team Teenie-Bopper has decided that *we* should fear and respect *them* so long as they are playing basketball. The scene from "Wayne's World" of 'game on' and 'game off' for traffic, doesn't happen here. If we ask them not move with either civilized words or a beep of the horn, we are rewarded with a few colorful choice words or certain fingers being flashed our way. Then they continue to play. Leaving us with the choice to try and drive around them or wait for them to allow us through or just plowing through and ending up on the 6 o'clock news. And they know they we would never go for option 3.

We've called the cops. They made them move the hoop. Only to have it back in the street 20 minutes after the cops have left. We've tried to talk nicely to the older sister, which led to a verbal argument between the sister and my other neighbor (who is very cool). My neighbor called Teenie-Bopper's mom at work and told her that we (the neighborhood) are not going to put up with his behavior anymore. His mom said she's asked her kids to behave or the will get evicted but they don't feel there is anything wrong with their actions.

When did parents become so terrified of their own children? Granted, there are times when Rob and I are terrified of Gavin; however, this is a completely different situation. Gavin's anger and almost un-natural strength when he's enraged make him terrifying. We don't fear him lashing out in general. We fear him actually harming himself or one of us in a blind rage. She seems to fear TB because his behavior is so out of control and she knows she helped create that, that now she doesn't know how to undo it. So she fears him. (Did that make sense?)

It's sort of sad though. Because she lost control of her kids, they will likely lose their home. Only the kids are too self-centered and self-destrctive to care. It's just sad. But at the same time, we live here too and it's only right that we should be able to drive the streets without having to worry about running someone down.

I don't remember being told that being a grown up was going to be about making sure your neighbor's kids are raised properly as well as raising your own children. I don't recall any clause to that effect when I signed on to this parenting gig 9 years ago. *sigh*

I'm not looking for perfection here. I'm looking for responsibility. I'm looking for decent parenting skills. I'm looking for some humanity. Is any of that really so much to ask for? Or are my expectations simply set to high? I mean, I get the whole "boys will be boys" or "just leave them alone, they're kids" mentality. However, at the same time, the kids need to have a basic understanding of respect. Respect for others. Respect for self. It's one thing to ride your bike down the biggest hill in your neighborhood at 12noon. It's something entirely different to ride your bike down that same hill at midnight while screaming at the top of your lungs, ya know? Or like while treasure hunting...the *only way* to get to that "uncharted plot of island" was through three or four different neighbors yards. You could get there. You could even cross through those yards to do it but that didn't mean you had to trample Mrs. Smith's prize roses to get there, you know?

Simple respect. Respect for every little thing. For other people, whether you like them or not. Whether you agree with their lifestyles or beliefs.

I just can't help but wonder when things went from respect based living, to gimme-gimme-mine -mine-mine based living snd how do we get back to the way things usued to be.